Cubist Anvils

 

Your love is like  little Bobby's snot collection

Russia just hit a Ukranian maternity hospital. As usual, examine claims carefully. Misinformation is all over the place.

Russia has taken over the abused Chernobyl nuclear plant, with radiation levels rising 20% around it. Russia also plans to take over a tie factory, a furniture outlet that is going out of business, and a McDonald's

Today I identify as  Gomez Addams

And then there's Existential Agita: wondering what it's all about and your place in it. After thinking about it for a while, I realized it all revolves around the dog. I pick up her toys and serve as a cushion or mattress for her. The other night, in a recliner, she jumped up, straightened out, plopped down, and went to sleep. I was just supposed to lay there, like a flounder, until she decided to stop laying there. And I did. Nobody ever said I was bright.

Musicians are hooking up synthesizers to plants for new sonic possibilities.

Also pants, tomatoes, folding chairs, and wives.

• This could make your brain explode, have you humming along, remain in your head for the rest of the day, or wonder why.

Britain to start approval process for Rolls-Royce mini nuclear reactor

Green energy, blah blah blah.

Well yes, it will lessen the need for fossil fuels, but.... ummm...  you still have to purchase and dispose of nuclear fuel. That doesn't seem to have been addressed.

Hey Bob, how's your reactor?

Great, Jim. Just gotta get a few new fuel rods.

Bob, I happen to have a few half-used. Would they be helpful?

Jim, you're my savior. All I have is a garage full of spent rods. I can't get anyone to come pick them up and take them to the disposal site.

Where is the disposal site?

You know, I don't know. I don't remember the sale paperwork mentioning it. Let me check... hmm.... startup.. wattage... ah, here we are - disposal. "You are on your own, sucker."

I vaguely remember there being a site in Yuma, Arizona.

Yuma? It cost me $25 to send a t-shirt to Detroit, and that was without the Special Nuclear Fallout Rate.

But still, we're not using fossil fuels and contributing to global warming.

Yeah, we can sure feel smug about that, yessir.

Scenario #2

Hey Bob, how's your reactor?

Same as yours, Jim. After getting rid of fossil-fuel generation, we can't get nuclear fuel because Homeland Security says it can be used for a dirty bomb.

Yeah, we kinda screwed the pooch on that one....

Hey, if your day isn't terror-filled enough, a species of 3" spider is invading the Southeastern US. View at your own peril...

• I Used Apple AirTags, Tiles and a GPS Tracker to Watch My Husband’s Every Move.
• This is fascinating on so many levels, including the possible misidentifications. The article was written with full knowledge of the husband. It should chill you.

Is Samsung the latest Android device maker throttling apps?

This is a weird story at this point. Why throttle apps at all? Interestingly, it does not throttle benchmarking apps, so the phone looks way speedier than it is.

Now that LG is out of the phone business (my last two phones were LG), android folks are at a bit of a disadvantage: last I looked you can have any phone you want, so long as it's a Samsung or Google. Samsung also has a reputation as the most data-stealing company out there, at least for tv. You have to agree or the tv won't work. I'm sure the phone isn't far behind. 

So there's no serious competition in the market. My provider keeps sending me deals on Samsung phones and I won't touch them. When it's time for a new phone, I'm in trouble.

• Happy Birthday to Mickey Dolenz and Robin Trower, both 77

I'm a curious guy, who needs to know how things work. 

At this moment, I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to know about the container of chocolate milk blocking the stinky soap in the bathroom. Ya know, I might let this one go. I'll just be thankful the chainsaw is no longer there and go about my day.

I spend days with the fond memory of my friend, who had a large, red Craftsmen air compressor in the living room. But it caused a problem, in that I could not possibly keep up with this sort of thing. I can't afford random large tools. I found a huge blue tube tester, which Wife was perfectly ok with, for the living room. Unfortunately it was too expensive. Price obviously is a consideration when decorating. The late 70s Camaro, oriented vertically in the dining room, is certainly a great talking piece, as are the dust rottweilers (do NOT get near them). I learned by experience not to put your battery-powered radio on top of the tube radio because the heat will do really nasty things to the batteries.

It's fscking snowing. Two days ago, I had to turn on a fan because it was ridiculously hot and stuffy. The next day, we went back to heaters. In Pennsylvania, we continue to set up a national telethon to raise money for a climate.

If I were an actual writer, I'd start out something like this.....  

When I awoke, I first got out of bed and looked out the window. It was gray outside. It is always gray outside. The catch is to figure out which of the 255 shades of gray it is. As I beheld Gray #42, I looked across at my departed neighbor's house. There was a lot of love for her, all over the neighborhood. Love was not solely from her neighbors - it was from the birds she fed, each with special bird food mixes. Her loss was a big one. As I looked over, I noticed the other night's storm knocked down a small piece of decorative wood from her fence. Normally this would have been fixed the next day. However, this just sat; a sad indicator of our loss.

Meanwhile, a branch fell off my tree and destroyed someone's fence.

This is why I'm not an actual writer.

No, really. Many bloggers consider themselves writers. You do not have to worry about that here at ThermionicEmissions.  I have no delusions. Well, no delusions of being a writer anyway. I'm barely a typer.

Ya know, it's not so easy being an olympic athlete like us: I compete in Napping, she competes in the 400' Wallet Losing race.

Sure, anybody can nap, but competitive napping is different entirely. 

I warm up for my naps. If my nap is at 5pm, I put myself on the couch, like Zen, starting at 4pm. Sometimes I prepare for my nap by napping, but only on work days. In the off season, I teach napping at the college level, but that doesn't mean I don't keep training.

Part of an athlete's performance is his tools. I happen to endorse Sleep Number mattresses, but only because it's a product I actually use. I have turned down endorsement deals with Nike, My Pillow sheets, and Holley Carburetors, because I don't use them. They are not integral to my performance. I had to explain this to Whirlpool refrigerators and Gutter Helmet too. Whirlpool got sneaky and teamed up with Yoo Hoo, claiming that a cold Yoo Hoo was necessary both before and after a nap. While this is sound logic, I don't have a Whirlpool fridge and won't whore myself out, like Shaq. Shaq is almost as rich as Lord Zuck and Bill Gates combined. He wipes his backside with $1,000 bills, but he takes any ad he can get. I have integrity and won't do that. I am curious, however, about what it's like to wipe with $1,000 bills, but I shan't know that. My friend has a bidet but I'm afraid to ride it.

As for Wife, losing a wallet is a deeply personal event, so I can't comment on every facet of her preparation. Obviously you have to start with a wallet. Starting in 2026, everybody will be given a standard wallet, which we believe is unfair. Every team, including the Russians, is on strike, because a wallet is a personal possession and it's just not the same with a standard wallet. The Russian team is not aware they have already been disqualified for lobbing explosives into other countries over whether or not there should be a change pouch on the wallet. The Ukranians claim that a change pouch will weigh down the wallet and make it more difficult to lose. They obviously don't know my wife. Ya know how you go into a newly-built home; all you see is walls and maybe a carpet? She could lose her wallet there. Her advantage is that she doesn't have to leave the home to lose her wallet, where every other country can only compete outside the house.  

The 2022 Olympics were scandalized when China thought the event was wallet-finding, and cheated with those little locator things for their iDevices. Asked for comment, China said, "No we didn't." After the judges showed the Chinese the little locator things, China said, "No we didn't."

Tools for wallet-losing are not as specific as for napping, but more diverse. Because of the diversity, Joe Biden had wallet-losing added to the Olympics. She prefers a house with one floor. Miscellaneous Stuff all over the place, in uniform piles. This makes it harder to lose things. Last year she broke an unofficial record, involving a wallet, altered mental status, the police, and the Happy Place<tm>. The wallet was eventually returned by a neighborhood ferret. She does not go easy on herself. Just yesterday, she lost her wallet twice in one day! She's ferocious in competition.

So we ask that you give generously to the Olympic associations, so these sports can continue to fund themselves with sofas and wallets.

• the other day I saw a horror book that was so bad, I couldn't pick it up
• Gardening for Everyone 

Some of the most bizarre search results come from Amazon. I needed a specific product, so I put in the name. I got 147 results, none including the name. I had to go through each search result to see if it was the correct one, and of course it wasn't. I only use Amazon when I can't find something elsewhere. They'll get by without my money.

• Speaking as an expert, or an eager consumer, the Ben & Jerry's flavor with Steven Colbert on it (vanilla with caramel and chocolate-covered cone bits) is just ok. We still prefer Karmel Sutra. Haagen Dazs vanilla bean too. That is all.

I've always joked about social influencers. No company has ever approached me to be an influencer (and who would blame them?). I definitely could not pull off Smug like they do. Then there's my few blog followers and the fact I haven't been on Twitter in a few years. Forgetting that, I wonder who'd contact me....

• Oscar Meyer bologna
• Bachman Cheese Jax
• Coke, San Pelligrino grapefruit drink
• ice cream
• Fender guitars
• definitely NOT Apple
• Apple's Thunderbolt cable is $159
• I have never swiped left or right

a truly motley crew. Yeah, it's probably better they don't contact me. I'm the anti-influencer. When I try a product, people stop using it.

• US Border Patrol finds dozens of snakes and reptiles in man's outfit
• Sir, why is your penis trying to escape your pants? 

NASA is just now opening a vacuum-sealed sample it took from the moon 50 years ago

NASA's new budget is around $24 billion and they have their best people on this.

The Chinese Are Bugging my Instant Noodles

Your love is like  3 broken kneecaps


The Russian election interference continues. I think they're under the bed.
I keep inviting them up, but they keep pretending they're not there.


Dear lefty

• Why do people keep pretending they don't watch pr0n?
• because of a lifetime of being told 'that's dirty'  
• That's all you got?
• and because your mother sniffed glue through her pregnancies.

Mrs lefty just got home from shopping.

Or rather, the ambulance carried her in.

The line at CostCo was out the door, even before social distancing. It's almost like their management didn't expect people to be shopping. The stinky old ladies gave her an idea: farting, to enforce distancing. See why I married her?

We learned very early that I cannot accompany her. In a stunning gender turnabout, she would do her Shopping Business, while I would wander around, comparing chainsaws, tires, and computers [TIP: they don't compare]. 

We also learned very early that the courts do not take kindly to running down old ladies with your cart. Mind you, the police were very understanding, and admitted they did it themselves, but they had to take her in. This was more my idea anyway. Hey, we can all get along together, in peace and harmony, until you leave your cart in everyone's way, then wander off to look at something. It's the unspoken rules of civilization (they only have civilisation at CostCo UK). Then there's the people who reach in front of you. I find that biting their hands dissuades them, but you have to keep biting each new person.

Then there are the talkers. These people piss everyone off. They are on their phone, naturally (because this is a store), talking as loudly as humanly possible. You can hear them across the store, and we all know CostCo is 4 miles long on each side. If they talk loudly near me, I participate in their conversations. YES. OH, THAT's NICE. DID HE REALLY? A POUND OF KANGAROO EGGS? Either they get the message, or call Security (mostly Security). Sometimes I walk behind them as they shout into their device that can 'hear' the cockroaches that crawl all over the phone at night, while they're sleeping. 

You know me - I have the patience of an infant, along with some of its behavior. The last time I went, the lines were ridiculous and I wasn't of a mood to stand there. So I did what the adults told me; I used my words. I'M NOT STANDING IN THOSE LINES. I'D SOONER LEAVE THE CART HERE AND GO HOME. The adults were right - they opened a lane immediately. Ever since, there's a loud siren that goes off whenever I enter. I suspect a custom lefty detector.

Since it's 90 degrees outside, it's a great time to shop for winter coats at CostCo. I thought this was just a Store Thing, but CostCo is really out there. In 90 degree temperatures, your air conditioner  or fan is going to break. When it does, you better not go to CostCo, unless you want to replace them with space heaters. At one point I was told they have some nice couches. When we went to look at them, being a champion of the obvious, I noticed they weren't there. Perhaps we were shopping out of Couch Season. Unfortunately, nobody told us when Couch Season is. She suggests we can order online. Oh, sure, let's order furniture we've never really seen or sat upon - that sounds like a good idea. When we're done, we can order a car we've never sat in or driven; perhaps some potentially poisonous seafood we've never tasted. Welcome to Backwards Shopping World<tm>, where even the women can't figure it out.

If I'm particularly aggravated or bored, I ask one of the Cheerful Salespersons where the plastic explosives are. Their days are so mundane, I'm doing them a favor by introducing a little spark, so to speak. The real pains in the ass are the demo ladies, who stand there, cooking things, that customers shove down their throats because it's free. Some have dinner there. Ok, it's not their fault - again, it's the rude customers. I don't care if they're choking on their Deep Fried Grease Bits - stay out of the lanes of travel. It's a simple matter of respect and convention. Someone will eventually jump up behind them, put their arms around them, and yank. Someone might even try the Heimlick Maneuver. Meanwhile, the rest of the shoppers can finish up their list, provided they finally found that little black thing that goes in the toilet... not the bowl - inside the tank. Near the bottom. You know what I'm talking about, right?  [sound of explosion]

• The FDA wants you to know NOT to drink the hand sanitizer, even if it's sold in what looks like a beer can.
• Don't forget - these people can mail in their vote...

Impressive: you got a Tesla

Embarrassing: you hit a car
Dumb Shit: it was a police car

Seriously?: you were watching a movie

This is only going to get better  

RNC 2020: Trump warns Biden will 'demolish' American dream.

That's not fair.. he won't demolish it, so much as take away its guns and tax it to death. Let's be accurate: the American dream was gone long before we were born: Trump merely made things more amusing.

BeagleBoyz: 2020's hottest country-rap band... HOLD IT. Doesn't anyone see anything wrong with this?

I'm gonna hit the store
and I'm ridin in my truck
It's rainin outside
but I don't give a .... damn


You want protest? I'll give you protest.
All the sports teams that are on strike?
Their fans should go on strike. No games (when they start), no tv, no official merchandise, and perhaps a little reproducing without the express written consent of the NFL. 

I am not shilling, nor do I get so much as a free straw, but iced mocha coffee and frozen hot chocolate make my day (Dunkin). They shortened their name to Dunkin, because people might not be able to deal with the complexity of Dunkin Donuts.

Let's all raise a sympathetic paw to Penny, whose mommy is visiting folks for a few days. The poor dog will spend a day or three sitting alone, looking out the window for her mommy. Even though I'm home. She'll eventually sit near me and will sleep with me, but only because the room is cool. Meanwhile I need a babysitter to keep me attentive and busy while Penny's mommy is gone. Sandra Bullock isn't busy, as the film industry has shut down, nor is Linda Fiorentino, nor is the lady who owns our personal pizza place, none of which would entertain babysitting me. I think.

For new readers, you know that when the president is unable to fulfill the duties of his office, the vice president takes over. I figure that when the wife is unable to fulfill the duties of her office, the vice wife should take over. Strangely, this concept is not popular with the wife. She said she wants a vice husband. I agreed - I don't always fulfill my duties, like mowing the lawn. She could have the vice husband do it. I can fulfill all the other duties just fine.

UPDATE: Mrs lefty felt so much Catho-Jewish semi-Armenian guilt about leaving her doggie, she's cutting her visit short. She doesn't want her child to suffer anymore; sitting, looking out the window. You will notice there is no such concern about her husband...



Mrs lefty is not always gud wit words, so I fix her when I can.
I explained that a baklavah is what you wear to peacefully burn cars, and a balaclava is eaten for dessert. She's lucky to have me.



I've about had it with searching for things on shopping sites.
Today on Amazon, I searched for "MI Audio Super Crunch Box" (a guitar pedal). I got returns for UNBLOCK PROS, SUPERBOX theater bundle, 6 zone speaker selector, take out food containers, fast food takeout menu book, a Beavis and Butthead book, and Pussy Natural Energy Drink. I believe in honesty: if you don't have it, go ahead and tell me. Besides, I didn't know pussy had an energy drink.

Furthermore, it's very difficult to get a left handed Bluetooth mouse. Yes, there are left handed mice, but most mice have this ridiculous RF wireless that requires a tiny receiver, plugged into a USB port. Naturally, when I search, I get only right handed, few Bluetooth mice. Suck my algorithm, Amazon.

I highly recommend the Microsoft (no, really) ergonomic keyboard and the mice that you operate as if you're shaking hands.

SJW Sleeze 

• Princess Diana statue to be installed to mark her 60th birthday
• the next day, BLM will tear it down, citing racism 

JK Rowling said she is giving back an award associated with the US Kennedy family, after being criticised for her views on gender and trans issues. Harry Potter puts a spell on award that makes it keep reappearing at Rowling's mansion.

BLM pushes Japan to confront racism (not that this group is spreading faster than the Flying AIDS).

Peaceful protesters in Sacramento, dressed in black, faces covered, smashed windows and destroyed buildings the other night. We never thought we'd see the day that peace spread throughout America.

There is a relatively new newslady on the news here. She's kinda pretty, with long, straight black hair. One day she appeared with a style that can best be described as Poodle. The next day it was straight again. We both looked at the tv, with that 'you did WHAT?' grimace. She just announced she'll be keeping the Poodle, to show her black roots. In addition, I just announced that I'm going to shave one side of my head and appear shirtless, to show my ugly slob roots. Ugly Slobs Matter!