Will Somebody Please Pronounce Ghislane?

Your love is like  gray meatballs, from the convenience store. 

Yes, I'm easily impressed. It absolutely knocks me out to watch people typing on their phones with 1 hand. As a guitar player, I have some manual dexterity, but typing with 1 hand is like petting a giraffe's head from Dick Cheney's underground lair. Watching people type quickly is also mind-numbing. I have non-professionally graded my typing as 1 error for every key typed, and this is typing slowly. 

So if you want to impress me, show me you have no gag reflex bang away at the drums phone. Or pop by with some pizza, from the place we tithe to. Like I said, I'm easily impressed.

These made-up days are just giving me headaches.... Black Friday, Black Sunday, Cyber Monday, and now, Giving Tuesday. I noticed there's never a Give to lefty Wednesday, or Show Sympathy to Mrs lefty Sunday. Mind you, sympathy to Mrs lefty is a universal concept. No matter who I introduce to Mrs lefty, their first words are always "I'm so sorry." It doesn't matter if they're from work, bands, plumbing organizations - they always say that. Don't ask me - I have no idea. I'm a heavenly experience every day.

Today I identify as   that alien thing from the movie, that covered their faces

As the Flying AIDS vaccine approaches, we need to decide who gets its first. And who decided who gets it first. At this point, a committee of 'expert' advisers for the CDC makes recommendations. We need someone with more mojo, like the people who decide which shoes are going on sale at Target, or what coffee will be the special at Starbucks - people with import, style, and the aforementioned mojo. 

After we (they) decide on who decides, it's time to decide who gets the Magic Flying AIDS Cure<tm> first..

• some of the most important people in the world are the staff of convenience stores. Where will you get your coffee and donuts in the morning before going off to do your important work? Think about it.
• operators of adult websites - they're the highest rated for some reason or other, plus we need something to do while imprisoned in our own houses
• pizza delivery - do I really need to explain?

Of course we'll need a list of the last people to get vaccines too...

• anybody in media - do you really need to read about this shit anymore?
• Congress
• people who send emails with emojis in the subject
• the Top 20 album sales - truly disposable
• CDC and WHO executives
• anybody who doesn't want it and/or doesn't trust it

My very complicated relationship with Guitar Center continues, with the latest email telling me to have no regrets about taking advantage of the deals. Just the other day it was threatening to tell my wife about some visit I made with a woman who wasn't her, and now it wants me to take advantage of it. This is what you call a dangerous retail establishment: you know no matter what you do, it's not going to work out well, possibly involving the police and a no-contact order.  So I'm warning you, good readers, not to fall for any of this stuff. It will not work out well, and you cannot access ThermionicEmissions in jail.

Perhaps because of the holidays, the aliens are still at it. The disappeared Utah monolith which turned up in Romania has itself disappeared. These guys are really active this season, maybe because the Betelgeuse situation has been solved. I don't know these aliens any better than you, but I'd watch my anus, if I were you.

• UPDATE: the monolith re-reappeared, atop a California mountain. Although the aliens have an interesting sense of humor, it is somewhat less than fully developed.

Dear lefty  

• Should I remove my hat when indoors?
• although it is societal convention, you should definitely keep yours on - you do not want the top of your head visible, generally from the neck up.

It Went BOOM 

The Arecibo telescope, starting to have 'destructive events' lately, has gone all the way and collapsed. 

Invasive wasps are creating incidents with passenger planes.

An absolutely ingenious way to get rid of surveillance tech has reared its absolutely ingenious head: discover the tech is actually racist, misidentifying black faces and confusing broom handles with guns. As we know, anything even accused of racism is a non-starter. So we just identify all surveillance tech as racist - no problem.

One of the biggest booms in my life was Led Zeppelin. I never got to see them live. This article puts kind of a nasty period on one of my favorite bands. For years, I've wondered why we hear no more... I think we have an answer.

• the Amazon Quantum Uncertainty Delivery Principle is in high gear, having proved thus far that November 31 is November 31, but packages to be delivered November 31 will be delivered December 1-2. 
• The aforementioned Principle has been further modified to show that any day a package is promised for delivery has a higher chance of a Kennedy being elected (and remaining) in high office.

A new view of international financial health has been introduced by a Chicago aquarium, which takes its penguins for field trips to movie theaters, art museums, and football stadiums. Apparently the birds like to get out and be stimulated, when they're not following their keepers around.

I have inadvertently wound up with a Wife Detector. It only works at home:

It's Penny, the Wonder English Cocker.

When Mommy leaves, Penny's by the window, pining away. While this doesn't tell me where Mommy went, shoe shopping is always a good guess.

When Mommy's in her office, I know because Penny's in my office, staring intently at me, hoping I'll open Mommy's office door so Penny can sit next to her. She will continue to sit there, with her huge brown eyes, begging me to get her mother.

Cockers with abandonment issues (redundant, I know) can be put to good use.

• Teen makes dress out of 1400 mangoes to highlight food waste
• might also be highlighting mental instability, which should be looked into

An International Council on These Sorts of Things<tm> has expressed alarm over the LGBT communities' inclusion, thus far expanding their abbreviation to LGBTQIA+. The Council warns that their moniker hurts tolerance by requiring more letters every few months, ruining old letterhead and requiring new, plus putting people who don't know the latest few letters at risk from the tolerant group.

An Oscar-nominated actor came out as trans; formerly coming out as queer. Pretty soon there will be a checklist, I fear. 

I look at this the same way as I look at hiring people: the best person for the job - not their color, gender, race, or feelings about vanilla over chocolate. Naturally this fellow is being praised as a superhero, not for his acting ability, but for coming out.

Warning: guys, if you look at his picture and say you'd ask for a date, you'd be queer too. Perhaps this will require even more designations, whereby you get some percentage for being attracted to someone's birth gender, as opposed to current one. Nah, you'd wind up tarred as some sort of -phobic. Contrary to current belief, there are some benefits to being CIS-hetero.

The fellow who played Darth Vader, in the costume, has passed

When asked for comment, his voice said, "We've got the MEAT."

The UK is the first country to approve a 'fully tested' Flying AIDS vaccine.

It has been stated to be around 95% (that's 15% British) successful. Aside from the conversationally nasty nose hair, tendency for eyeballs to stare at each other (when they're not rolling backwards, into the head, like errant slot machines), occasional sex change, tendency to make you threaten the Nicaraguan President, permanent foot switch from left to right, joining foreign nose-picking competitions,  voting repeatedly for Biden, and repeated efforts to kill your own children, or anyone else's), this is a perfectly safe vaccine. Boris Johnson would have taken it himself, but he is just a hair frightened about the dunking one's head in acid side effect, which the Ministry of Silly Side Effects has listed, in a sealed filing cabinet, at the home of the lead janitor, up on the roof, under 12 other sealed filing cabinets, for public display. 

Twitter - DC Cesspool6%

1. The vaccine should be tested on politicians first. 

2. If they survive, the vaccine is safe

3. If they don't, the country is safe.

Heroes of the Stupid  

France, which is closing its ski slopes over Christmas, to protect everyone from the Flying AIDS, is imposing random border checks to stop citizens from skiing in neighboring Switzerland. And we thought Idiot Governor and Idiot Mayor had some ridiculous ideas...

An apparent Taylor Swift fan defaced Lana Del Ray and Dua Lipa's (2 Lips) Spotify pages. It's good to see, that in these days of the Flying AIDS, that Really Important Work<tm> is being done.

No Thanks - There's a Nap Out There With My Name on it

Your love is like  a giant oil spill

So I'm sitting here, realizing I need to complete this because I have so many people waiting on it.  SNAP. Ok, I'm back to 'reality.'

Today I identify as  a camp with absolutely no concentration

We've already established that Mrs lefty watches too much tv.

We've looked on in horror as she tuned in Home Shopping Channel and commented on sale items as if she knew them. We've gotten a terrible feeling hearing her refer to jewelry as 'pieces.' We've gotten douche chills when they call her if she hasn't purchased anything in a few days, to make sure she's ok.

The new thing is Supplements. Some dude comes on, selling supplements for this, that, and the other thing. The first one was for hair and nails, and it worked. The next was for a sleep aid, and it helped. This was a major miracle, as Mrs lefty has 'the mother of all sleep disorders.' She cannot sleep when tired, when awake, when tired for hours, when tired for days, when there's a holiday, when she has to get up early, at any point when sleep is important, and generally when it's dark. She has been prescribed enough sleep medicine to take out a battalion of marines, and stays awake. She's a very talented woman.

The latest supplement is to knock down your cholesterol numbers. Now hear this: it's chocolate. No really... you eat your food then eat some chocolate. This is a supplement I can really get behind. In fact, I have been practicing this most of my life. Naturally, Mrs Killjoy comes along and tells me the supplement chocolate has some sort of Plant Stuff in it. And it's dark chocolate. If there are 2 things I don't like, it's dark chocolate and plant stuff. It turns out you can't simply stuff your face with a Milky Way and expect to lower your cholesterol. What kind of world is this when chocolate doesn't cure everything? 

Since dark chocolate is still higher on the list than prescribed medicine, I'm going with it, dark chocolate and plant stuff aside. I'm also working on a circuit to stop all shopping networks from coming in on the tv. And blocking their phone numbers for when they call to check on her.

• The White House remains in disarray, with Biden still refusing to leave.

Dear lefty  

• Will this blog take on a more straight-laced, humanitarian bent for 2021?
• Are you #*$&ing kidding me? You should bottle and sell whatever it is you're sniffing. 

The NFL has asked the president (either one) to declare a national emergency: most of their quarterbacks have the Flying AIDS. They have demanded that the first shipments of The Vaccine<tm> go to NFL quarterbacks. If, for some silly reason, the players cannot be innoculated first, a president declaring a national emergency will allow them to keep collecting billions in insurance money.

According to NFL rules, the other way out is to bring in substitute quarterbacks, either from other teams, or people off the street. They tried to recruit Jessica "WAX MY BALLS" Yaniv, but her country of residence is Canada, and the rest of the players are terrified of her. While this would be a move of pure genius in hockey, it fails in football. Drew Carey and Jane Lynch are locked into tv contracts, and most of the retired quarterbacks have a bit of a Traumatic Brain Injury issue, and showed up to camp with baseball bats. Black Lives Matter showed up, but left when they realized they had nothing to complain about, so they took off to the NHL.

Szilard Demeter, ministerial commissioner and head of the Petofi Literary Museum in Budapest, compared George Soros to Adolph Hitler and the nazis. Mr. Demeter retracted his statement:

Fellow Hungarians, I apologize most humbly for saying George Soros was like Hitler and the nazis. It was a most unfortunate slip of the tongue. What I meant to say was 'George Soros is a very naughty boy,' so you can see how I made that mistake.

Joe Biden picked all women for his communications team.

We are told they all have nice-smelling hair.

My emails are getting weird.

Moreso.

No, really. Ever since Guitar Center announced Chapter 11. They already got all sorts of clingy and needy - now it's getting pitiful. They're coming in hourly....

Dear lefty: hey, that 15% off we gave you? Since we feel the way we do, make it 20%. 

Dear lefty: That 20% is still on the line. We're sure you heard about our Chapter 11. We thought we had a little love here. You bought a lotta strings from us. Just sayin...

Dear lefty: Chapter 11 means nothing if you don't come back...

Dear lefty: were you ordering from Amazon? 

Dear lefty: haven't the pedals meant anything to you? If we go bankrupt, there will be no more pedals.

Dear lefty: Musicians Friend ain't gonna be your friend because we own them too.

Dear lefty: remember that time you came in for a cord with that redhead.. the one that wasn't Mrs lefty?

Dear lefty: sometimes we miss you so much it hurts. Can you understand that?

Dear lefty: No, we don't carry a single interesting left handed guitar, but we promise, if you come back, we'll have 1 in every store...

Dear lefty: remember the back room?

• I know shipping is a little rough during the holidays, but my just-shipped package will arrive sometime between this month and late next month.

I was just told to let the dog out. Well, try to let the dog out.

You see, I don't think I let the dog out right. She stares at me and won't go near the door. Apparently her mommy lets her out better. The dog will not go near the door until her mommy gets up and walks toward it.

I told her she mows the lawn better too, but no luck.

Did you miss Black Friday or Black Saturday or Black Sunday because you were knocked out and tied up by escaped inmates? You're so in luck - it's Cyber Monday! Are you beginning to think this is all an even bigger attempt to get your money? Do you wonder how they came up with these names, and if there are more on the way? Kinetic Tuesday? WowWow Wednesday? Cyber-Stupid Thursday? Grossly Incompetent Friday? Flat Tire on the Information Highway Saturday? Sexy Sunday (where the deals are guaranteed but the sex isn't)? 

According to my inbox, which tells me solar weather (but not earth weather), my Black Friday coupons are still valid, and the state of my relationship with Guitar Center, there sure are a lot of sales. Gaming seems to be a huge category. Unfortunately, when the gaming craze started, I was left in a basket on church steps, and missed it totally. I know that if you call something 'gaming', you can charge 74% extra for it: get this limited edition gaming mouse pad - only $49.99! I know there's a Final Fantasy, but it's all a lie.. just when you think the fantasy was final, there's a Final Fantasy XII. I can't support that level of deceit. There are a ton of headphones; wireless, wired, and tie-yourself-up-in-the-cord. Some have mics, like a pilot, which partially hide your face. From what I've seen, people should pay extra for anything that hides their face. If you're going to buy anything that starts with Amazon Fire, don't. Every keystroke goes through Amazon, to the Bezos-Lair. Get yourself a regular old android tablet, that only goes through the Goog. After you bought Gaming Everything, you'll need a Gaming Chair from which to perform your Gaming Magic. The Herman Miller Gaming Chair is only $1,499. Snap em up before they're all gone!

There are wireless mice, which, if they're gaming mice, are horribly expensive. There are Xbox goodies... last time I checked, Xbox has a microphone inside that's always on. If you start talking about linux or Mac, your games won't work. Of course there are 43 different tv's for sale, mostly the same size.. the kids can fight over the 43" or the 44".

There are laptops. Cheap laptops. Believe me, you get what you pay for. There are gaming laptops, indicating you are not getting what you're paying for. At the Laptop Factory, Bob goes around to half the laptops, putting a GAMING sticker on them, so they can charge twice the normal price. There are lots of tiny 13" monitors, which are obviously marketed to children. I'd spend all day trying to boot up a 13" monitor because I couldn't see where to log in.

There are a ton of Apple products. Do not purchase an Apple product unless it has the $Expensive tag on it, otherwise it's a fake product.

Don't forget the mechanical keyboards, as opposed to the ones you use your mind for?

Get a good deal on SD storage for your phone or whatever. You need a place to keep your larger pR0n files.

The Insta Pot is deceptively named, because it still takes time to cook stuff - just less time. I have one... it took me longer because it had 3 lids and I couldn't figure out which one to put on. The directions were almost, but not quite, IKEA quality.

So yeah... Happy Buying. Remember your local stores, before their Idiot Mayors put them out of business due to Flying AIDS restrictions. Or Idiot Governors, who discovered prime shopping time was Sunday at noon, so he ordered all stores closed. To protect you.

People keep talking about the Vaccine<tm> to eradicate the Flying AIDS. There are other ways, you know. Allow me to list some:

• have Rosie Perez talk at it
• have the CDC and WHO attempt to make it more lethal
• have it star in the latest Hollywood blockbuster
• form Virus Lives Matter and peacefully march a lot, destroying other virus' stores and homes
• infect it with ransomware

Linus Torvalds, contentious father of linux, doubts linux will get ported to Apple M1 hardware.   --------> Who cares? 

So that illegally installed Monolith in Utah that the aliens put there in their never-ending quest to mess with us? It was illegally uninstalled. Somewhere, in a spaceship circling the planet, the grays are wetting their.... whatever grays wet.

• Baltimore public schools shut due to ransomware. This after Baltimore city shut due to ransomware. Obviously they hired (then fired) some uber competent IT folks. Be safe and stay out of Baltimore... if their traffic lights are computer controlled, it's gonna be a Big Mess<tm>.

Home Wi-Fi security tips – 5 things to check

• Story: Joe Biden fractured his foot while playing with his dog
• Reality: he tried to sniff Kamala's hair