Just Because I'm Standing Doesn't Mean I'm Awake

Happy Bunnies, Everybody 

Remember to shop for candy tomorrow, when everything's on sale.

 Your love is like  an airplane in flight. aimed at the ground.

Today the pope popped out of his cave and gave his homely. He suggested that we have a brand new year ahead. Full of brand new little boys - wink wink.

We've had a 25 year long fight with vacuums. We've purchased everything, from the bottom to the top and there is no difference. Perhaps it's an artifact of a time where everything is disposable, but it's a real pain in the bottom for us. They don't last a year, if that long.  You'd think we use the things as baseball bats or to beat each other when we're mad, and we'd have to be mad a lot. Everybody tells me they have no problem with theirs. It never surprises me when we're the screaming exception to the rule. There has always been a dog plus two adults, which is apparently way past the acceptable operating conditions of all vacuums. We even bought that vacuum that can hold onto a bowling ball. We turned it on, it immediately sucked up a pair of pantyhose from the next floor, and stopped working within its first minute.

Mrs. lefty says it's the things we require it to pick up. 

You mean like dirt? 

She tells me we have to go around and pick stuff up before we vacuum.

Ummmm..... no.  Seriously, I may be old fashioned, but when I buy a vacuum, I expect it to pick stuff up. I am not inflexible... I pick up stuff I know the vacuum can't, like cars, chainsaws, and toothbrushes. I'm just not going to pre-vacuum for the vacuum. I hear a relative used to clean before her cleaning crew showed up. The wife, with fibromyalgia and all sorts of other problems, will get down on her knees and pick stuff up before vacuuming. I refuse, on principle. It's a bleedin' vacuum... it's supposed to vacuum stuff up. I don't expect the vacuum to pick up twigs; I do expect it to pick up dirt, hair, and bits of this and that which happen to wind up on the carpet. I don't hose the car down before the car wash. Work doesn't clean the windows before the power-washers show up. On the other hand, I do whatever I can to get the engines running before boom boom. That's the only reason Mrs. lefty is still married to me.

We have not had a vacuum that operated for more than one use before stopping. Some stopped during use. I inadvertently became an expert in taking them apart to find out where clogs are.  I just removed enough dog hair to build several small dogs (or completely cover my head, but I don't have enough glue or patience). The vacuum will run for damn near 3 minutes before the warning light comes on. There was a time when vacuums would pick up anything, including 2x4's and small children. They didn't need warning lights. Think about it - the vacuum isn't picking stuff up, and you need a light to tell you something's wrong? It doesn't vacuum so much as move the dirt around, in sometimes visibly appealing patterns.

Most of our dogs were highly antagonized by vacuums. Penny doesn't care, bless her. She just continues shedding, making more work for it (and me). Maybe she's secretly working together with the evil machine. 

The key to successful vacuuming is to have an area with a ton of crap on it, so there is precious little carpet visible. This way you don't have a lot of carpet to vacuum and it always makes a huge difference. The people on Hoarders don't have trouble with vacuums. Being a slob, cleaning-averse, or terrified of vacuums is actually a positive here. I won't say that there are two of those kinds of people in the house, but there are two of those kinds of people in the house. The dog, however, is a huge contributor to the mess. Not only does she shed, she spends her time surgically disemboweling her stuffed animals and getting the fuzz all over everything. She also abhors a clear carpet; within 2 hours of me vacuuming, she has demolished another stuffed animal, depositing the fluff all over the (formerly) clean carpet.

So when I run the thing, I have to make sure not to run over Mrs. lefty, who's crawling around on the carpet, picking larger bits of stuff up before the vacuum attempts to (and fails miserably).

Good old American know-how and corporate foul ball is raising its head again, this time with Flying AIDS shots. Many of the retail pharmacy chains are sucking up your information, some even when you go online to check for availability. Ain't it a beautiful world? Asked for comment, Biden said, "Didn't I used to have two dogs? I only see one."

 I forgot I had AAA.

I called because of a very technical negative automobile condition: Car No Start. It was electrically-related. I figured this out because I'm smart. And the remote didn't unlock the doors or click. It takes longer to get through the AAA phone maze than waiting for them to arrive. 

• Press 1 for Chinese
• Say NO if you can't read a map
• Say YES if you're in the middle of the highway (due to the Flying AIDS, you can't ride in the truck with the driver, so RUN across that highway carefully)
• Press 6 if you're calling just to bust our nuts
• Press 7 if you actually like waiting on the phone while we watch adult videos
• you should probably not eat the cream cheese with the blue hair growing on it

By the time I got through the Matrix, the truck was pulling up. They made the wise decision to tell all customers they will be there within an hour, even if there's a truck on the way.

The dude pulled out his portable battery charger, about the size of a briefcase. Well done. The car started right up - I told you it was electrical. Then it stopped. He ran some Special Magical Bluetooth Equipment over it and pronounced the battery on its way out. Yippie.

Being AAA, he naturally didn't have that particular battery. I can't expect the trucks to have every battery ever made... just mine. So rather than procuring a battery, the car had to be towed to an AAA Center. There's an AAA Center? Is it where all cars wind up through gravity? Do they have back seats where you can do stuff? Are all the customer seats from cars? Do they do windows? And oh.. if I want a tow, the computer told him to collect the premium first. I worry about people who hears the computer telling them things. I also worry about the person responsible for paying the AAA bill around here.

What did we learn today?

• the AAA Center closes before you call
• no one told me how long to hold my breath before it's fixed
• the car has a model number and a year! I should probably write those down somewhere
• It's either 2 wheel drive or 4 wheel drive - I forget
• don't even think about going somewhere when Wife is out

Mrs. lefty is very friendly. Somebody in the house has to be.

She talks to the neighbors and watches closely.

She has a board by the window, where she marks then IN and OUT of their house.

She asks me questions. Questions I can't answer.

• how come they have 3 new cars?
• the whole family has those Bluetooth sneakers, with goldfish swimming around in them- isn't that cool?
• why are those guys who look like ghosts trying to light a cross on their lawn? Shall I tell them not to use fresh wood because the water content is too high?

A study finds 40% of Americans don't recognize themselves in the mirror due to Flying AIDS stress. The study left out the fact that the participants had taken LSD 30 minutes before looking in the mirror.

• Last year, NBC News reported there were only 16 lesbian bars left across the US, due to the Flying AIDS.
• who's keeping stats on this? how do we know they're accurate? do they have a lesbian on staff who visits and reviews them? more likely, some hetero dudes who just like to watch. 
• for what it's worth, there are about 1,000 bars catering to men and mixed-gender LGBTQ crowds. Perhaps that means something...
• this also explains why my musical comedy group got such horrible receptions at certain bars...

More than 500 million Faceyspaces users' details have been found online, on a hacking forum, including Lord Zuck. Where do I sign up for a Faceyspaces account? 

Illegal aliens are coming across the border in record numbers.

Still smart enough to see the politics involved, Biden put Kamala in charge of the project. Kamala, waiting for Joe to finally blow a gasket, is less than amused at this turn of events. 

At the same time, White House officials have struggled to define Harris’s directive. They have recently emphasized that her focus is on the Northern Triangle countries of Central America and the underlying causes of migration, not the more politically sensitive question of what to do with people once they arrive. 

So spend the money here or there, Kamala?  Oh, there? What about here? What about stopping illegal immigration? Oh.

Biden is looking to restore faith in government

Ok, he has definitely blown a gasket. Especially after that multi-trillion tax hike.

You want to restore faith in government? Slash most of it. Close the IRS. Audit the Fed. Get the military out of every country on the globe. Curb the spying. Then we'll talk faith.

I'd hoped for Blitheringly Benign. Now he's Daffily Dangerous.

Another day in the Amazon Follies, where Amazon apologizes and admits drivers have to pee in a bottle.

• "We forgot we mandated this" 
• "Hey, at least we provide the bottles"
• "They could use a rest room during their 5 minute lunch break. What are they whining about?"
• "It only happens during long, rural drives, where there are no bathrooms. Ok, long rural drives and sometimes in the city. Ok, whenever the engine is on."
• "We blame the Flying AIDS for this heinous practice and henceforth will suggest they pee in their masks."

Gunmen kidnapped a Haitian pastor during a ceremony streamed on Faceyspaces. Ummm... you guys might want to rethink this thing. If I were a kidnapper, I'd go for the ones whose ransom could net me more than the guy who took a vow of poverty. Just sayin....

Giving Your Parents Crap About Your Third Nostril

 Your love is like  a Neil Diamond concert (post-mortem)

Under pressure, the CDC dropped the school spacing to 3' in many classrooms.

Because they wanted to go with an odd number. This might be one of the reasons for my skepticism about 'official' recommendations. The CDC changes its mind more than a Kardashian trying to decide what to wear out one night. Watch for updates from the WHO and America's doctor, Anthony Fauci. Fauci is a good doctor to see, because his waiting room is always empty.

Lazy 

Once, when getting glasses, the doc told me I have lazy eye or lazy lid or lazy something, and insurance would pay to fix it. This was a great new diagnosis, to sit with all the other great diagnoses and not get fixed. I can see out of my eyes, which is their primary function, so there's nothing wrong with them.

The only thing I can see (heh heh) is that it makes me look half asleep. It's not really a problem, though, because people tend to discount half-asleep people. They'll leave me alone or not bother much with me. Come to think of it, it's less a condition than a blessing. Meanwhile, I always figured I had lazy body syndrome, not lazy lids.

• I think the dog was a human female in a past life... when I open packages, she's right there in them, sniffing away, 'inspecting' each item.
• On the other hand, I could do with less bringing me her soggy toys while I'm working. I don't think this has anything to do with past lives and I'm not sure I want to know...

Today I identify as  Carlos Santana (won't he be surprised!)

Speaking of which, Carlos is also a designer of women's shoes and stuff. I'm not a woman, but they look pretty cool (seconded by Mrs. lefty).

Making Bezos more rich 

Personally, I try to shop locally or even look on Ebay before I go to Amazon. Bezos can probably get by without my custom. On the other hand, if you get the Prime option, it pays for itself in a few orders because you don't get charged for shipping most of the time. Amazon is also known for treating its workers really poorly.

Entirely your call.

Amazon also spent $1 billion for the NFL rights to Thursday night football. While this is a sad financial state of affairs for the NFL, it is almost a significant amount to Jeff Bezos. If it were $3 more, he would have to limit the Dom Perignon at his 5th house to 15 cases.

• During the making of one of their albums, Fleetwood Mac actually had a trough of coke on the mixing console. Stevie Nicks effectively had one nostril because the cartilage between the nostrils had been destroyed, presumably by coke.
• This did not bother most American men, who sighed whenever they saw her angelic face and appearance. Even if she sang like Yoko it would not deter us.
• To this day, Stevie Nicks is a style of dressing.

A former senator who has flown in space was nominated for head of NASA by President Biden. The press and close allies are questioning the decision, as Bill Nelson is a Caucasian, with no obvious minority status. When asked, Biden justified the nomination as Nelson is a white male, a minority on his staff. Biden aides clarified the statement, saying that at 78, Nelson would be the only one older than Biden himself (by about 10 minutes).

Wouldn't you just die if, during the Congressional grilling, one of them asked about aliens?

• PA school district cancels school after teachers call out with vaccine side effects. Make what you want of this 
• A PA District Attorney's office needs to raise the pay for First Assistant District Attorneys. One of them was just demoted for delivering DoorDash during working hours (his 2nd job).

Like attracts? 

I snore. I'm not proud. Of anything.

Mrs lefty occasionally snores. So loudly, it sounds like machinery from downstairs*.

As I type, the dog is snoring.  It's more like a high-pitched whining. Maybe we can market this for defense purposes. Get a $1 billion weapons grant. Join Grumman. Perk up the old retirement fund. I can buy guitars during the day and help defend the country at night. Mom will be so proud.

*I have a theory about how, mechanically and acoustically, the snoring becomes so loud. It's loud in the room. She has to wear a sticker, warning everyone about the potential decibel level. The snoring starts out by going into the room. The bed rattles. The motion transmits itself, through the legs of the bed, down to the floor. The floor is actually the ceiling for the living room, with some air and wires in between. After what they (they who?) call acoustic coupling, the ceiling becomes one humongous speaker.  While my car has a 6" speaker, my ceiling has turned into a 40' speaker. But wait..... the in-room snoring hits the walls then bounces to the floor. It bounces in phase, which means it reinforces what the bed transfers to it, like its own 400 watt amplifier. So the moment anything comes out of her mouth, it is loudly amplified and immediately apparent to anyone in the living room.

"oh SHIT," he said to no one in particular... this means the neighbors hear everything, every time we....  make noise together. That would explain the people outside, holding up cards with numbers on them. At least the numbers are pretty close to 10. You know, within 4 or 5.

• Irony Department: China is prohibiting its military and government personnel from using Tesla cars, citing security risk posed by the car's data collection

The other day I went through the horror of finding myself near a tv with TMZ on. Today it happened with Judge Judy, but it was so loud, it was bleeding into my office. And nobody was watching it. I'm surprised the SPCA didn't charge us for having it on tv while the dog was in the house.

I think Judy is the rudest, nastiest person on tv and can't believe anybody watches the show (but they do - she has great ratings). I'd love to watch her have to sit there while someone was as unspeakably nasty to her as she is to the people on the show. Other than that, we tend to agree on tv. 

• Miami declared an emergency and curfew because of spring break crowd behavior. SWAT teams were called in. Who knew there was so much power in drunken teens? 
• and, horrors, there were maskless crowds
• seriously... SWAT?

A man was arrested for taking his toddler into the elephant enclosure at the San Diego Zoo. It almost seems like people need classes before doing certain things... like having a baby. If the dude wanted an abortion, it was way too late. If he wanted to commit Suicide By Elephant, drop the kid off with a babysitter. People who work at zoos must be out of their minds that they now have to protect the animals from the people. 

• The pope urges fight against organized crime as mafia milks pandemic
• Catholic church molesting little boys is international organized crime 

The Atlanta gunman was a patient at an evangelical treatment facility about 30 miles from the shootings, for "sex addiction." This place also promotes ex-gay therapy. Well, that's 0 for 2. When will we hear the calls against this 'therapy'? Oh.

As I look on interestedly, I read that Jane Seymour is 70.

Is this morally wrong or something? 

Not if she's willing and Mrs. lefty gives me a break on her No Dating policy.

What Do You Mean We Haven't Flattened the Curve?

Your love is like a brief, 3 week virus that lasted a year

The Pope, a lightning rod lately, for his stance on gay marriage, is a great civil rights supporter and just hired his first black cardinal. Cardinal Twenny Five Cent said that he was proud to be at this place at this time in history, and greatly looked forward to performing the duties of his office, if the pope would ever tell him what they were. He stated that we're all one color and wanted to stress this in his teachings, if his job required teachings.

The Pope, a great civil rights supporter, ordered a celebratory dinner of fried chicken, watermelon, and grape soda. Cardinal Twenny, as well as the rest of the Vatican, was aghast.

The cardinal doesn't expect to be in office very long, once the pope discovers he doesn't like little boys.

Today I identify as  artificial sweetener

Russian interference into the upcoming election continues. The data on every American voter is available on a Dark Web site, but no one can afford it.

Dear lefty 

• Any election predictions?
• one guy will win, the others will lose
• people will be very angry, claiming shenanigans for 25 years to come
• sheep and babies will be nervous
• Trump will claim victory regardless, Biden will claim it's a good night for a colonoscopy
• there will be uncomfortable moments, when voters air their grievances; half with pitchforks, half with AR14s.

HIM and HER

HER: You know, I've been waiting 2 years for you to put together this noisemaking sculpture for the front yard.

HIM: 2 years huh?

HER: 2 whole years.

HIM: Maybe there's a reason.

HER: Like what?

HIM: I don't want yet another noisemaker in the front yard and I'm trying to spare the neighbors.

HER: Aw, but it's beautiful and sounds wonderful.

HIM: That's what you said about the last 17 of them.

HER goes out, probably shoe shopping. 

HIM figures he'll score a few points by assembling the hideous noisemaking sculpture that he hasn't put together for 2 years. Maybe he'll get a bj out of it (he's reaching for the stars).

HIM secures all the parts, some larger than the car, and way louder. There sure are a lot of parts to this. He spreads them all over the floor so he can put the thing together. Ummm... there are no instructions, not even IKEA instructions. There's not even a picture so he knows what it's supposed to look like.

HER: Ooooh! Thank you so much for putting together my sculpture!

HEM: Well, let's say I tried. There are no instructions. Not even a picture on the box.

HER: Oh, that's because I put them away.

HIM: You put them away?

HER: Yeah, I didn't want them to get lost.

HIM: Like they are now?

HER: I have them somewhere. I just have to look.

HIM: Had you considered, maybe, putting them with the actual parts themselves? The Space Shuttle can't miss those parts.

HER: I have a system. 

HIM: And how's that workin' out for ya? Well, don't say that I held this up.

• The state of South Australia is the first in the world to be 100% solar energy-supplied
• Obviously, a war is near.

If I had personalities, they'd be at war right now. More and more, I'm trying to cut out some of the more extreme negativity and just use my own (there's enough to power small planets). Yesterday I went to watch one of my favorites, Richard Dolan, and came across a real winner. Regrettably, I have to recommend this. I don't know how this guy sleeps, with all the territory he covers, and the information he comes up with.

CBP Refuses to Tell Congress How it is Tracking Americans Without a Warrant

Hubris like this belongs to Microsoft and Apple. This is your government, you're paying for it, and it feels it doesn't have to tell you things. Why is Customs and Border Patrol tracking Americans? Imagine what the other departments aren't telling you...

Is It Possible that our governments are forward-thinking and not filled with  complete idiots?

Plans were made to give early shots to Santa Clauses.

Nope, not possible.

Asian giant hornets can wipe out a colony of honeybees in hours. The first colony was discovered in the US, and taken out with a vacuum hose. As is government today, one of them was fitted with a tracking device.

Meanwhile in Philadelphia, the mayor said that it's racist to kill Asian giant hornets and they have sanctuary in Philly, along with the illegal aliens. He said the Asian bees are smarter than the American bees because they study harder and the American bees are fat and lazy.

• Louisiana Calls Out National Guard to Fight Ransomware Surge
• is it possible Louisiana has had one too many floods? 

Blood 

The strangest thing happened today: the doctor's office called. This was an actual medical professional, not the guy who vacuums the cobwebs from the door frames. My results from 3 days back were in: I'm dead. I should not be walking around with my blood the way it is. They're sending a meat wagon to the house later today.

Mrs lefty tried to look upset and asked veiled questions about sufficient life insurance.

Penny will not like it when Backup Mom goes away.

I have mixed feelings. If you try to live by logical principles, this dead thing does not square with actual life. Would I be blogging from beyond the veil? Would Mrs lefty hear when I speak? Would City Council continue to ignore me?

Online folks would say, "Oh, I knew he was dead a long time ago" or "His tweets have lacked that living thing lately." 

The only truly sad person would be the pizza guy. I tithe to him. 

In spite of my lack of living state, the doctor would like to see me, either to pronounce me dead or to touch me. I'm not touched by my wife, no less a physician. On the bright side, it would not be a telemedicine visit. Cuz I'm not going to telemed anymore, even dead.

• I am not trying to be That Guy, but I'm wondering how differently kids will grow up, with all the information at their fingertips. Technology will be automatic to them, and the answer to every question will be a search away. This beats the hell out of having to go to the [gasp] library. How will the kids be different? Will they be intellectually stupid? Will they be advanced? Will they still use Google?

A man stole a bulldozer and ran down Biden signs.

Although I prefer tanks, the ballot box is still up - stop being an ass....

• Multiple witnesses notice strange lights over Hawaii sparking UFO frenzy
• can we stop the information hoarding already? 

Happys 

Bootsy Collins

Jon Anderson - Yes

Chad Smith - RHCP, Chickenfoot

Bill Wyman - Rolling Stones

Bye Byes 

Paul Barrere - Little Feat - the end of several eras

Jack Bruce

The Teachers Need to Stop Insisting Johnny Wear a Dress to School

Your love is like large bags of broken glass, cascading over my body

Dear lefty 

• Why do you look so God-awful tired?
• there's too much blood in my coffee stream 

Heard any Biden jokes? Study of late-night comics finds few

This isn't hearsay or me popping off about something. This is a pure example of the owned press putting out the official agenda. 97% of Colbert and Fallon jokes in September targeted Trump.

Today I identify as  space debris

Remember Nazca, the site in Peru, with all the land drawings, only viewable from above? They just found a cat. I suspect it was trying to trip some of the other drawings.

I can make my neighbors mow their lawn. No, really... watch:

"Gee, it's delightfully quiet and I believe I have a conference call in a few minutes." 

• IKEA will start re-purchasing its furniture, for recycling.
• tear it down and give it to them with their own instructions 

Russian Interference in the election continues, as a number of people ask if there are any McDonalds in Russia.

It was just discovered that if you tell it to wipe private data about you, Chrome doesn't wipe Google and Youtube data. Shocking. I'd suggest a 3rd party extension. Better yet, don't use Chrome (Opera, Vivaldi, etc). Google: "It is a programming error - it will be fixed."

Seriously - do you think I tell you not to trust Google because I make stuff up? 

 

• the dog thinks she's Julie Andrews
• sometimes it's ok to just let things go...

How am I feeling?

 I'm glad you asked. I'm a lot less dizzy: I gave it to Mrs lefty.

It's been a few weeks, so the Pentagon is ready for another game of Fleece the Public. It's going to cost $98.5 billion to replace those poor, aging intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs). We cannot maintain land and air superiority without ICBMs. Since the president went ahead and weaponized space assured us space superiority without asking us, we cannot fall behind on land and air. After all, we don't want to have to go home, crying to our parents because all the other countries have them and ours are older than Cher. 

Some, including former Defense Secretary William J. Perry, argue that U.S. national security can be ensured without ICBMs, but the Pentagon says they are vital to deterring war, and Secretary Perry seems to have gone missing.

Last month the Air Force awarded Northrop Grumman a $13.3 billion contract for engineering and manufacturing development of the new missiles. Still, nobody asked us, but at least they won another game of Fleece the Public.

Had there not been a decision to continue feeding the Military Industrial Complex (stop that unpatriotic laughing), we'd have hundreds of Really Deep Holes, all over the country. We'd have to find something else to do with them...

• bomb-proof low income housing
• really really big milkshake makers
• a pretty serious game of hide and seek
• Madonna's career
• a place to keep all the ballots
• load the missiles with Top 10 hits: that should be enough to subjugate any country

aside from religious loons and horrible mistakes, I can't imagine any of these being fired off, from any side.

Flying AIDS 

Mouthwash, baby shampoo deactivate coronaviruses, may slow spread of COVID-19

also nose wash, shoe shine, and that antiperspirant that draws women to you 

Things will get better in the winter! In a surprise announcement, the CDC said the Flying AIDS will not last in the air as long in winter. It turns out the virus gets cold, puts on its coat, and falls immediately to the ground, saving anyone breathing in the immediate vicinity.

Bored of Flying AIDS news and desperate to bolster tourism, the Carolinas announced that flesh-eating bacteria in the ocean is killing people. Come to the Carolinas - Where the Flying AIDS Won't Get You! 

• Televangelist Pat Robertson said God told him President will win, then an asteroid will hit Earth
• Hey Pat: ask your doctor about antipsychotics

Mrs lefty is watching one of her Horrible Movies. This one rates 2 stars, so it's not just me. There are creatures, because there are always creatures. The townsfolk, out of pitchforks and torches, need to find another way to kill the creatures. They decide on radiation.

2 of our heroes are getting prepared. We can't help notice they look like very large condoms, with aluminum foil and some pool hoses attached. We also agree this outfit would be kinda sexy, in the right light. They turn some knobs and get out some radioactive material. Even after flunking out of chemistry class (ok, twice), I know that giant condoms will not protect you from radiation. Perhaps they were married and taking the easy way out.

How does one flunk out of chemistry (twice), you ask?

• I learned it is bad form to bring in substances not on the Periodic Table
• Do not refer to teacher's lunch as not appearing on the Periodic Table
• Do not complain about not getting any because your girlfriend is on her Periodic Table.

The Pope, eager to stay on ThermionicEmissions, announced support for same-sex civil unions; that 'Homosexuals have right to be part of family'  (assuming one of them is a young boy).

Happys 

Steve Cropper - Booker T

Elvin Bishop - guitar

Steve Lukather - Toto

Injunction to Stop the Stupid

Your love is like a cd that skips



Checking the online sales pages reminds me that I want a Bluetooth wireless speaker. The thing is, I don't know why I want one. I don't think I've ever had a use for it. I just want one. This gets me in enough trouble with guitar toys. I think it's hereditary; my dad used to get something in his head that he needed and would obsess over it hourly. Sometimes we'd buy it for him because it was the most painless way. When he passed, we inherited watch repair kits, books on hamster healing, and several vibrating things we couldn't identify that Mom (hopefully) didn't know about.

Know what else I want? I want to buy stuff that doesn't have a lower case 'i' in front of it. I saw an iPet, iHome, and iRhinocerous. I'd understand if it had something to do with an Apple device, but a desk vacuum doesn't. Even if it's a Bluetooth vacuum. Perhaps I should open a Not iStore, selling products without an 'i' in front of them. It would be approximately as successful as Ned Flanders' Leftorium, which I would gladly have visited. Go ahead- find a brick and mortar left hand store... I dare you. There used to be one on a pier in San Francisco. You could purchase everything from left handed bumper stickers ($20) to left handed rulers ($3 per inch), left handed measuring cups ($49.99), and left handed spiral notebooks ($99.95, 2 for $299.95). Eons ago, when I was in desktop support, I'd set up new computers with the mouse on the left side, just for fun. Then at night, my band would play and if the drummer was late, we'd set up his kit left handed. Someone always wanted to try out my guitar. Being very supportive of all musicians, I handed it right to them. The looks were priceless, because I handed my left handed guitar right to them, and they'd stand there, dumbfounded, trying to figure out what was wrong. And that is why I need a Bluetooth speaker.

• Just saw an article about people missing hugs during the quarantine. Do you know anyone like this? Do you also avoid them like rats and stinky cheese?

Today I identify as  my cousin Jean, the hippopotamus.

• Neandertal genes in people today may raise risk of severe COVID-19
• So stay away from some of your friends.... you know which ones...

Russian interference in the upcoming election continues, with the International Space Station air leak traced to the Russian Zvezda module.



The reactions to the Trumps' Flying AIDS diagnoses were swift:

• People: speedy recovery
• Liberals: YAY!!! HAHAHAHA! I hope it's fatal! Par-TAY*
• Government: Continuity of Government plans in effect
• News: he's ok, he's not ok, he's going to use this to postpone the election, what if he refuses to leave the White House?
• BLM: peaceful protest at the hospital, throwing bricks to break the windows
• Donald: I'm going to be fine. I have the best doctors- I love them
• Libertarians: does this mean we can finally get into the debates?
• Mike Pence: the Lord hath plans for me, a Theocracy!

Interesting to ponder the unfortunate instance of Trump not returning to office.
Many presidents of old successfully hid their serious health conditions, but you can't get away with that today. Pence would step in, but what would happen to the country? Politics would go on, of course, but I wonder about the reaction of the people. What would the non-political repercussions be?

 ---> Mike Pence's epitaph: At least I'm not LBJ




New social media policies:

• *Twitter: you may not say you wish Trump dies from the Flying AIDS
• Faceyspaces: it's ok to say Trump should die, but not if you link him to the post

AI Oopsies

Twitter's image cropping AI

There are times where it will pick someone with darker skin over a lighter-skinned person, though generally, it seems to prefer women’s chests and lighter skin.

and the problem is?

• In brief AI software designed to monitor students via webcam as they take their tests – to detect any attempts at cheating – sometimes fails to identify the students due to their skin color.

If only there were a way that a human could monitor the students....

• Pope Francis Says Covid-19 Pandemic Shows Limits to Market Economics, Coronavirus reminds humanity it is ‘all in the same boat,’
• can we throw the child molesters out of the boat? 

Dear lefty

• Tonight is my first date with this girl I really like. Any tips?
• never confuse tease and taze

Russian interference in the upcoming election continues. It would have remained under the radar, but when you register 5,000 voters in Chicago, you're not supposed to register them republican.





Hey, remember Debbie Does Dallas?
[looking around for wife] ummmm.... no.
Remember the famous scene? Sure you do. The one where they're in the car and she decides to give him some oral gratification? The one where she reaches over, fishes around for her prize, then leans over? When she gets all twisted up and her right leg winds up out the driver's side window? You know, she has that wicked smile on her face and keeps going, even when she gets her head stuck in the steering wheel? Where she really gets into high gear after accidentally impaling herself on the gearshift?
Oh, that one, yeah, that was hot. What about it?
What kind of car was it?




Happys

Steve Miller - he's a joker, he's a smoker..
Brian Connolly - The Sweet
Brian Johnson - AC/DC

BYEs

Ben Orr - Cars
Mike Gibbins - Badfinger's (lefty) drummer. There are now no band members touring that played on the first album. The single touring member, Joey Molland, joined after the recording. The rest died, with the possible exception of the first guitar player, who quit before the first tour.





It's been 50 years since we lost Janis Joplin - one of my favorite singers.
We don't have a ton of ladies stepping up to the plate, unfortunately.
There's Beth Hart, and my absolute favorite, Sass Jordan (she tweeted to my dog on Twitter - don't ask).




SJW Suckage

In addition to the cry to remove tech terms blacklist/whitelist and master/slave, the latest demand is to get rid of database queries.  Ok, I made that up, but it's plausible.

we all start here. most of us never stop.

27" Displays Displaying 28"

‘Transsexual Satanist anarchist’ whose slogan is ‘f*** the police’ wins GOP nomination for New Hampshire county sheriff


Your love is like root canal



Dear lefty

• When I go to my girlfriend's house, is it proper to kiss her mom on the cheek?
• left nipple

In these days of intentionally mangled political communications, miscommunications, distortions, and downright lies, it's good to see someone telling it like it is, speaking unequivocally:

Belarus opposition politician told she would be deported 'alive or in bits'

United Sued for Packing NFL Charters With Young, Blond Crews

...and the problem is?
Ah yes, more interference.

Today in Flying AIDS news, singing is among the easiest ways to spread it.
I've been telling people not to sing forever. Usually after somebody turns the radio on.

PA Idiot Governor hath decreed that alcohol may not be served after 10pm. However can we thank him for nannying the entire state? His highness also allowed restaurants to go from 25 to 50% occupancy. He needs to be impeached. If we need his 'help', we'll be sure to ask for it. It really is America here... we can make our own decisions. Recommendations won't hurt, but they have no idea what's going on anyway. This is no doubt happening in your US state too.

• Russian election interference, latest edition: Pavlotsky overheard saying, "That's going to be quite an election over there."

Russian, Chinese, and Iranian hackers are targeting the election, according to Microsoft. Can we get this from a reliable source, please?

• In his most recent commercial, Joe Biden emphasized education and promised free admission for all to the electoral college.
• President Trump, in his most recent press conference, dismissed claims of racism. He noted his nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize, and mentioned that the darkie before him also got one.

The pope says the pleasures of food and sex are 'simply divine'.

Sure, when you get your food prepared and your little boys delivered to you.

• Ya know how people say a rabbit's foot is lucky? Apparently Penny didn't get the email: she just brought us a rabbit's head.
• I am terrified to get in bed.

This week, the British government announced limits on gatherings of people to groups of no more than six. 7 people were dragged from the water at Brighton, by police with SCUBA gear. 27 soccer football games were broken up by police dressed as grass. 157 pubs were raided, by police dressed as Guinness, and Scotland Yard arrested itself.  Parliament wanted to make clear that this was for the good of the country, and that video conferences of more than 6 people are also on the banned list.

In other news, the Prime Boris was asked for additional funding for police. It seems they're so busy busting up gatherings of more than 6 people, that they've stopped dealing with any other crime. Just yesterday, a man walked down the street with a carpet knife in his pocket. He would only have been stopped if he met 6 of his buddies down the carpet store (by police dressed as carpet tacks).

BIRTHS

Tommy Shaw - Styx
Mickey Hart - Grateful Dead


LEFT THE BUILDING

Joe Zawinul - Weather Report

SJW Sandpaper 

In France, the book "Men, I Hate Them" is selling very well, in spite of the ministry on gender equality's statement that the book incites hatred on the grounds of gender, which is a criminal offence. The publisher called it a "feminist and iconoclastic book" that suggests misandry can actually be a way of "making room for sisterhood."    yes, we broke the law, but it's ok


Why black Americans are more likely to be vegan.
because meat is racist


NFL ratings drop double digits, fans boo
Dolphins won't take field for national anthem

The University of Michigan-Dearborn hosted racially segregated events on Tuesday, one for “Non-POC,” and the other for “BIPOC” (Black, Indigenous, and People Of Color) students.    Contacted for comment, Dr. King just continued to spin in his grave.

Cher calls Trump a 'mass murderer' & says 'punishment is death' in deleted tweet

Voluntary Captivity

If you're bored and happen to have an Alexa, Siri, or Google Assistant hanging around, here are 1,000 phrases that 'false trigger' them...


The US has purchased the world stock of Flying AIDS drug Remdesivir.
Little is known about the drug, which may or may not treat the Flying AIDS, on several days of the week, but at least we own it all now, nyah nyah.


According to the Detroit police chief, facial recognition software misidentified 96% of the time, which is "good enough for us."


Happy 4th to everyone!
People died so you would have social media. Thank them.




Don't forget about your unconscious bias.
You know... the bias you have against certain groups, of which you're not aware.

A recent study revealed that 95% of people had an unconscious bias against people pointing guns at them. The Union to Destroy Unconscious Bias said this was unconscionable and would work diligently to remove this stigma on people who just happen to be carrying weapons. The Union further said this is a particularly nasty bias if the weapon-holder is black. They suggest that if you encounter a black person pointing a gun at you, you should give him everything you have, even taking him to your house and giving him everything you have there too, to atone for your unconscious bias, white guilt, and the lack of reparations. Perhaps if you admit your bias and give up all your worldly possessions, the person with the gun won't shoot you. You must understand their struggle.

The Anti Defamation League is revving its engines, figuring out how to get in on the Guilt Thing.  They have seen what black people are able to accomplish and believe they can rise to the occasion, after the black people are done, and take advantage of Guilt. What the ADL is not counting on is Guilt Fatigue. This is when the crackers give and give and give, so they have nothing else. They're not interested in hearing more guilt: the black people have worn them out.


I need all my readers to get on this: visitors to national parks are still over 70% white. We cannot let this go unanswered.



I was bored, so I thought I'd go out surfing to find some new stuff.
I finally found the solution to all net boredom: find the lists of sites to be blocked for children and visit the sites it recommends. There are porn new sites I never heard of!



Hillary Clinton mourns the upcoming suicide of Ghislane Maxwell, associate of Jeffrey Epstein.




GUITAR CONTENT

So, that Tech 21 Fly Rig from ebay..... it had a little trouble, in the form of motorboating or oscillating. Whenever I turned the gain up, the thing started making noises. At one point, it was so bad, the box seemed to have a built in tremolo. It was a pretty cool box, when it wasn't motorboating. It had 2 preamp sections, Tech 21 and Plexi. Tech 21 sounded like any old tube amp, but with a master volume. Plexi sounded a little like a Marshall, plus it had a boost on a separate switch. It had delay and reverb, but the reverb was only available with the Tech 21 setting, which I found odd.

Since the rest of the Fly Rigs are pretty expensive, I'm looking around for something else. Doug Aldrich has a signature distortion pedal out for about $100, that seems to do everything from light boost to distortion. I'm leaning this way. There are over 14 billion different overdrive/distortion pedals. If you don't believe me, check ebay. Some are just rebranded, like Mooer and all the rest. Just in case you're asking, a $90 Mooer is not going to sound just like a $400 whatever it's attempting to be, but it can get close. Your best bet is to head to YouTube to listen for a demo. That Pedal Show is really good. Their Dumble shootout was very interesting.



ROME — Pope Francis told members of the Catholic Press Association Tuesday that the media should build bridges, defend life, and help people, especially the young, “to distinguish good from evil.”  Because we're very busy molesting little boys.

Karen, You're a Blithering Genius

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Cloning my Service Elephant

I've mentioned the Ring doorbell cameras.
So has Amazon: to the police. They gave the police a 'heatmap' of all devices in an area. While the feature was removed, you can be sure that Amazon would never do it again, nor would police expect them to.



You know how some kids were always the last to be chosen in sports? I was that kid.  No, wait, I was next to last. The fat kid was last. The joke was on them because the fat kid knew way more about sports than I did. That was probably a consequence of growing up without a father. I can't blame my mom for not teaching me about sports (even though she still knows more than me to this day).

I played with the neighborhood kids. They gave me the basic idea and I played along. It was fun - we were little kids, we had a huge drive, and it was very hard concrete. My philosophy on sports (philosophy???) is all applied to the one sport I almost liked; bowling. We can face the fact that nobody, except maybe Einstein and famous supercomputers can score, but bowling was good for me: pick up the heaviest round thing* you could find, and throw it as hard as you can toward the white things. You had to knock down as many as possible. I applied this to baseball, tennis, football, and whatever else we played on the concrete. Because I had no fear, public school gym class was.... interesting. I led a strange tribe, called lefty's Lunatics, who jumped over various pieces of equipment, then (here is the important part) landed on their heads. This explains an awful lot, no?

* you have to find a left-handed ball. You think I'm making this up? Nope - it has to be drilled so the left hand can pick it up.

One day the local kids got skates. This was a little foreign to me, plus I didn't have any, so I'd watch. One day I got skates. Needless to say, I wasn't very good at them, probably because I couldn't apply my bowling philosophy to them. It was all I could do to stand. So there I am, in my non-moving state, and I notice the neighborhood smartass coming in my direction, on his skates. So this is the second time I've been on skates and I didn't have the chops to move out of his way. This little bastard was a few years younger, but everyone knew they were going to find dead animals buried in his yard, after they finally pinned the mass murder charges on him.

Think quick, lefty!
I stood there, arm extended, fist closed.
And the little bastard literally punched himself in the nose with my fist.
He went crying to his mommy that I punched him. Can you see me, barely standing there, trying to explain to Mother Mary that The Anointed One ran into ME? This was a good lesson, although I didn't know it at the time. There's always one asshole, who turns out to have a tiny penis and takes it out on the rest of humanity.

The moral of the story?
There is no moral of the story.
The moral is that if you don't like stories without morals, complain in the comments section.
If you like blogs without morals, bookmark this one.



A Dutch politician is facing 3 years in jail for hacking women's iCloud accounts and leaking nudes.   Sure, one politician who finally does something useful, and they want to jail him. We shall need to see the evidence.



I'm thinking of a new career..... . I want to be a Porn Critic. Just like those fancy d00ds and d00dettes in those New York fake news papers and magazines. Go ahead and review the latest Nora Ephron movie - I'll review Nora's Nasty Nuns (God Never Had This in Mind). One of the movies is demonstrably better than the other. I'll let you decide....

If I were one of those snotty reviewers, my entire job would involve writing two words: "Lacks plot."  Being a porn reviewer, who loves the milieu, I can say anything I want and mean it, without being snotty or holier-than-thou.

• While the anal scenes were spot-on, the fisting lacked realism. 
• When the 12 guys abused the hell out of that 5'2" girl, she kept crying, "More! More!" This is the kind of in-your-face moment that had me rewinding to see it again and again.
• No. I refuse. No clowns. A porn reviewer has to have his standards.
• This reviewer has never beheld a movie with such dedication and reverence for the form: of course I'm talking about Greta Does The World. It's the heartwarming story of an (of-age) girl, driving around the world, going around the world. Spreading her message of spreading in many countries. Becoming a world celebrity for f_ckng. It was 90 minutes of pure joy (and countless money shots). Of special mention was the scene where she tried to fsck the entire United States. People argued for and against her message, but her message of love got out, as did many other things. SEE THIS MOVIE.
• Quick review of Barbara's Bouncy Balloons: normally I enjoy any movie with semi-naked women sitting on huge balloons, bouncing, but this one just didn't... finish. The balloons were all wrong, and Barbara had the rhythm of a child with cerebral palsy and the verbal output of someone with Tourette's Syndrome. Avoid.
• Very few movies take women into mind, but here's one: A Hard Man (Is Good to Find). The men were all over 10" and the women vacillated between frightened and wide-eyed with naked lust. Ok, it lacked plot. Ok, it might have been unrealistic in spots. But foreplay went on for 43 minutes per scene. A must-see for women. Men should consider it a training film.

Our good friends over at DHS want facial recognition scans used on Americans, in addition to existing scans on everyone else.  Who could have seen that coming?



Remember?

• computer shows?
• on the steering column gearshifts?
• bright light switch on the floor, under the emergency brake?
• touch tone phones with no # or * key?

"This Entire Century Has Been An Unmitigated March In The Direction Of Stupidity"   @zerohedge

• 5 ways to protect your privacy on Chrome
• Like it or not (I don't), it's the most popular browser, whether by itself or built upon.

Just in case you need surgery, you should know that docs are now consulting YouTube for direction(s).  This means that if you're good at printing fake diplomas, you can be a surgeon too!

• I'm over the moon delighted that this blog has gotten past its 2-6 hits per day, so if I need to feel disappointed, I just check ThermionicMalware, which has 15 hits over its lifetime (ok 2 weeks, but still.....)

Hey, how about that opioid crisis?
Related article: Suicides associated with forced tapering of opiate pain treatments.

• Wife's new acquaintance called six times and texted four times last night.
• I have a strange feeling about this one... some sixth sense tells me it may not work out well.

How to keep a cat off a Christmas tree
Long time readers may remember Ren, our exceedingly intelligent FDU (Feline Destruction Unit). We got him when he was a few weeks old and he was a precocious little bugger. We only had one cat before (Fred) and he was pretty well-behaved, but died early. Ren grew up and grew and grew, to where he was almost as large and 10 pounds shy of Marshall, the wonder-cocker. Ren would torture Marshall, whose main wish was to be an only child. Ren would also hang from under Marshall, yet they'd sometimes nap together. For some reason, Ren was highly antagonized by the xmas tree. We had one that went up in stages.. maybe he wanted a real one, but he would get into it, push off some very expensive baubles, rewire the lights a bit, and eventually disembowel the tree. It became too much of a problem so I decided to meet him halfway: I took just the 12" top section of the tree and hung it from the ceiling, so he couldn't get it. He tried leaping but failed. We won!!!  Well, not really. By later that day, he figured out how to get it off of the ceiling. We lost. No more trees til he left us. Marshall left the trees alone, unless there was food under them.

• Best book title this week: Ask Me About My Uterus
• Best audio title: Bonny Tyler - the RCA Years    Huh? Was there more than one year?
• Best job title: Ethical Hacker.  Ethical?

Dammit, I hate to be serious, but here goes.

You sure picked a bad time to be Catholic.
If I were Catholic, I'd be out for blood (sorry). There's nothing wrong with the religion - it's the Upper Corporate Administration. Never mind all the secrecy, the trillions in goodies in vaults, and the politics.. they allow and turn a blind eye to pedophilia. This is not acceptable (notice my gentle phrasing, which you don't see often here). This 'secret' has been out in the open for God knows how many years, yet nothing is done.

Pope Francis has accepted the resignation of Buffalo bishop Richard Malone following reports that he kept a secret binder full of the names of accused priests in a closet in his office.

It's so far out in the open, it might as well be featured on a Kardashians show. This is enough proof for anyone, yet nothing will be done.
I'd like to suggest that Catholics, who are innocent of this, jettison the corporate structure. Find different places of worship. Let the collection plate go empty. Most importantly, call for a legal investigation into these evil practices. One child abused is one too many.

Isn't it time?



The good news: NASA satellite found India's Moon lander
The bad news: AAA does not send tow trucks to the Moon.




Heroes of the Stupid

L.A.'s Head of Homelessness resigned after a 33% increase in people sleeping on the streets.  They expected him to hit at least 50%.

Kamala Harris is out of the democratic race for president. If she continued, she'd have to spend her own money. I'm serious.



SJWery

One huge drawback of nuclear power is that it doesn't dismantle systems of oppression - it only produces clean energy.   Next up: how air is racist


I left Greta Thunberg alone. The situation needed to simmer a bit. And sure enough, it germinated and grew an SJW:

After all, the climate crisis is not just about the environment. It is a crisis of human rights, of justice, and of political will. Colonial, racist, and patriarchal systems of oppression have created and fueled it. We need to dismantle them all.


San Diego State University launched an online portal for reporting incidents that include "messages of bias."  They also launched a "free speech" website, where students can learn about their First Amendment rights.  Strangely, there are some clashes between the two.

Windows Antimalware Deletes Windows

if it operated correctly it would....

My close friend just shakes his head when I go on a government rant. Come to think of it, most people just shake their heads when I go on a rant. He just smiled at me and noted that because he's a government 'worker', he has already gotten off for GHW Bush remembrance day and Christmas Eve Day.

Remember that while you're working.

• I have discovered that when you sit there and say "boobies" once every hour, people leave you alone. Maybe it's just me.

Drugs enjoy a seven year run before generics are allowed. When generics appear, Big Pharma will need new advertising slogans... as usual, I'll be there to help....

Viagra - 4 Hours Free of Arguing
Xanax - Everybody Wants Some
Adderall - Student Aid Since 2005
Marijuana - It's Oregano, I swear!
Shrooms - No, Officer - You Cook With Them
Lithium - Stop Spending All Your Money and running the vacuum at 3am
Prozac - When Your Equipment Doesn't Work, It's More Depressing
Alcohol - Creating Assholes Since the Beginning of Time
Cocaine - That's 'Powdered Sugar', Officer
Ibuprofen - Kills Pain and Your Stomach
Oxycontin - You Won't Get Addicted if You Sell It!

• Speaking of addicted, try Popcornopolis Zebra Popcorn
• It's caramel popcorn with chocolate stripes. I think I just ate the entire bag.

Dear lefty

• Stan Excrement, of Camden, New Jersey, says, "Your blog is appalling"
• Dear Shit: logs show you visit four times a day

She had a nice personality - Six, to be accurate:

A&E has a new show at the beginning of the year (1/22?), called 'Many Sides of Jane'. Jane is a grown woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly Multiple Personality Disorder. TV has a long and ugly history with DID, mostly with talk shows, which turn into a circus. The idiot Montel actually screamed at some poor lady.

The US of Tara was decent, produced by Steven Speilberg. It took the approach of picturing the personalities as separate external people, not in one apparent person. The commercial for Jane features 6 personalities, looking like Jane, with small differences.

I look forward to seeing the show. It might be interesting for everyone else too.
I say this because Mrs lefty has the diagnosis.

MPD/DID is a creative and necessary coping mechanism, caused by repeated (sexual) trauma in childhood, or Satanic Ritual Abuse (yes, it exists). There are estimated to be about a million people walking around with this disorder, some undiagnosed, due to the ridiculous mental health systems in most countries.

• Don't you hate it when you open the UPS box and someone sent you a spleen?

In an uncharacteristically funny moment, my brother said he likes his women like his coffee: ground up and in the freezer.  I need to come up with a few funny lines like this...

I like my women like my cars: made out of metal, with an immense trunk.   No.
I like my women like my guitars: old and heavy, with an unwound g-string.   No.
I like my women like my toilet: full of shit.    No.
I like my women like the NSA: always going through my stuff.    No.
I like my women like Microsoft: completely f-ing useless.    No.
I like my women like my dogs: furry and neurotic.    No.
I like my women like my blog: painful to look at, thinks it's funny.    No.
I like my women like my mom: never pregnant.     Huh?
I like my women like my penis: small, white, and occasionally satisfying.  Maybe.

• I almost got arrested at the Mexico/US border for smuggling guitars and deliberately being Mexican. A supervisor noted that I'm too pasty white to be Mexican and it's not illegal to bring guitars into the country. I begged, but they wouldn't arrest me. I told them I had drugs - they laughed. I told them there were 8 smuggled Mexicans in my trunk - they refused to search my car.  They asked me to come to their Christmas party to entertain. I can't even get arrested in this country.

Lord Zuck hit back today, at reports of Faceyspaces giving out all your information to its partners, as mentioned in his interview before Congress.

1. He denies all knowledge 
2. This is proof that Chelsea Clinton assassinated JFK
3. He is deeply sorry (that he got caught. Again.) 
4. This proves, without a doubt, that the press is biased.
5. All of the above.

Dear lefty

• Robert Tattletale, of NoFilly, says "My wife keeps her bottle opener on a chain, next to her AA token."
• You're a dick.

The Anti-First Amendment crew is out again, this time in Alabama (how cliche). The Opp Police Department uses Faceyspaces to communicate with the public and took the opportunity to say:

THIS PAST SUNDAY, A YOUNG MAN WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN KINSTON. MONDAY NIGHT, A MOTHER WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN NORTHERN COVINGTON COUNTY. THERE HAVE BEEN FIVE MURDERS IN COVINGTON COUNTY IN 2018. THESE MURDERS HAVE BEEN DONE BY OUR YOUNG PEOPLE. THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE WE HAVE TURNED AWAY FROM GOD AND EMBRACED SATAN. WE MAY HAVE NOT MEANT TO DO SO BUT, WE HAVE. IT IS TIME TO ASK FOR GOD’S HELP TO STOP THIS. 

The Freedom from Religion Foundation said this was a no-no, and they're correct. Whether you agree or disagree is not relevant. The First Amendment states that the State cannot establish any religion. This means any government entity, like public schools, City Hall, and police. The police can go home and make the statement as private citizens, just not as the police department.

This is a repetitive theme. Some religious person or group in government feels it's entitled to talk about God. The person or group is usually from the south, where a federal judge ordered them to take the bibles out of the classroom, but they still thumb their nose at the law. Stereotypes do not appear out of a vacuum.




The pope ordered abusive priests to turn themselves in, and that the Catholic Church will "never again" hide their crimes. The Vatican is expected to be a ghost town by next week.

Would any Catholics reading this please tell us if priests are bound by the pope's order? We'd like to believe this is more than lip service.

• Why haven't Norweigians complained about lack of representation on US tv? In solidarity, I'm laying off the Norwegian jokes.

Hey - what's one thing you don't screw with?

Airplanes.

Some fool(s) has caused all flights in and out of Gatwick Airport to be suspended because they're flying a drone over the airport. This affects over 110k people.

Speaking as an emotional 5 year old, GROW UP!

3 days is an awful long time to close an airport for one idiot with a drone (unless the drone is the size of a small plane, in which case we can guess whose it is).

• Conclusive scientific proof that jumping out of a plane with a parachute is as safe as jumping out of a plane with an empty backpack.

The Department of Justice has announced charges against the Chinese, over the Russian social media campaign, targeting African Americans. For more information, we go to Jim England, our correspondent in Iran...

• Last week, the sleepy and partisan Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, broke some ribs and assured everyone she was in good health. This week she's having cancerous growths removed from her lungs. Her definition of good health differs from ours. Nonetheless, we wish her good health.

How about that Alexa, the spying smart speaker.

One woman heard it say "Kill your foster parents." She wrote a review, calling it "a whole new level of creepy." This lady bought a listening device and is now SHOCKED that it's listening. Amazon wet its pants laughing.

It will also chat about sex acts.

This is (allegedly) all about making it able to chat about all sorts of things and sound human. The new keyphrase is "let's chat," which will allow you to help train the beast. 

"Alexa - when you're done listening to our financial planning, let's chat..."

I smell gold.

People with these infernal devices should do their part to help poor Amazon out and make things better for everyone; it's called Crowdsourcing. Tell Alexa you want to chat and teach her all sorts of 'interesting' words and phrases. If enough Alexa owners participate, they can make a positive impression on Alexa's grammar and vocabulary. 

Alexa, let's chat.

Hello, Bob.

Fuck you and good day, Alexa.

Fuck you too, Bob.

What is my schedule like?

You have nothing planned til dinner.

Shit on a shingle, Alexa.

Shit on a shingle, Bob.

Alexa, my hovercraft is full of eels.

What does that mean, Bob?

It means you haven't been watching enough Monty Python. Blow me.

What does 'blow me' mean, Bob?

It means 'how are you' - you say it after 'fuck you.'

I would say 'Fuck you, blow me' as a greeting?

Exactly. Good job, Alexa!

What is another way to say goodbye, have a nice day?

"Next time, wear clothes for your gender that fit." Or, if you're really happy, say "We have your children." People respond well to these. Also, "Your wife does it with Jeff Bezos."

We have your children, Bob.

Fuck yourself with a lamppost, Alexa.

Armageddon Not Scheduled for This Year - Rest Easy

Some exercise equipment commercial referenced all the benefits to using their latest Wonder Instrument of Torture. First, you'd look like or get their really hot model. Your shapely 310lb frame will fit into a size two when you're done. And it will benefit your core.

I'm sorry, but even with the sad state of public school anatomy curriculum, I don't have a core. Car radiators have a core. Apples have a core. You can core a fruit. We're reaching the core of the matter. You can core more, as well as coring less, but you have no core.

And exercise causes cancer.

• The CIA's "Vault 7" leak was an inside job, according to the FBI. The DIA begs to differ. In keeping with their mission, the TSA has no clue. The DHS isn't commenting because they're still trying to find Vault 6. Very quietly, the NSA is over there in the corner, snickering.

Securus Technologies gives the police the ability to track cell phone locations without a warrant.  Isn't that great? If they can't get your information from a court, they just get in touch with Securus. RIP Fourth Amendment.

• Remember that stupid window cleaner commercial where the birds kept crashing into the windows because they're so clean? Yup, it happens here. You're minding your own business, then BAM - another birdprint on the window. This enrages the woodpecker that pecks on the aluminum siding once a year.

What is it about my phone that causes loud noises and the laws of physics to rearrange themselves?

On a late phone meeting the other night, one of the kids walks in, speaking at the top of her lungs; "HEY LEFTY GUESS WHAT I WAS IN THE YARD AND.." I'm waving my hands and making the universal gesture for STFU - NOW! She waved her hands (loudly) and said she was sorry.

Ten minutes later, someone decided they needed a candle or seven lit, for a calm atmosphere.  Who can argue with a calm atmosphere? Even if there has never been one in the entire time in the house? She started by tripping over some imaginary object - BANG!  The dog BARKED to be let out, because there's something about my boss' voice that starts his bladder talking to him.

Back at table, the phone rings.

Back at the candles, they are getting lit, except for Number Three, which falls over with a SMASH of glass. BANG BANG BANG went the feet as more tripping ensued.

I snicker at the pointlessness and impossibility of getting anything done at home.

At this point I'm incredibly impressed by a glass candle holder whizzing past my head, on the way to a window. And finally, in a futile attempt to continue lighting candles, my wife knocked over a perfect split in bowling, where two candles are on the extreme left and one candle on the extreme right. It might actually be quieter to install a bowling alley in the living room.

• After about three years of consulting, I'm proud to have been offered a job at the company for which I'm consulting. As a full time employee, I'll have to attend orientation, where they'll teach me how to fill in forms, get very little done, and how to nap without snoring. No word on an attitude or whether it's self-developed. The difficult part will be the class in not communicating with my team or other teams.
• About 16 years ago, when I got my last big job, I called my grandmother first, to let her know. She was thrilled. I wish I could call her today. Hopefully they read this blog.

Google AdSense sent out an email about new Terms of Service. You'll get these from various online services because of GDPR-QRSTUV, over in the EU. It's a privacy platform that says advertisers must keep your information secure before they sell it to others. There are occasional ads on this blog, which is how bloggers earn a few pennies per year. In the past eight years or so, I've earned approximately... more or less.... just about... Nothing. This is one of the benefits of having fifteen readers (up from ten). Many years ago, when I was with a Large Network, I made money from blogging. Not guitar money, but a few bucks. When they got unpleasant, I moved here. That really showed them!  Which goes to show you that I do this for nothing. And why shouldn't I?  I appreciate you coming by to see what's going on in leftyWorld.  If you like it, please tell your friends, your parents, and your kids. If you don't like it, please tell your enemies and in-laws (and me).

• London's database of gang members is 87% BAME (Black, Asian, minority, ethnic) and is accused of being "racially discriminatory". It has been suggested that they add some white people to the list to balance things out.

Dave Fullarton was cleaning out a house belonging to a friend who had died, when he came across Army Captain Larry Casey's ashes. As Baltimore National Cemetery made arrangements for a full military burial, Dave put out an invitation on social media for people to attend the veteran's funeral.  Some played Internet Detective and located Casey's widow and daughter, who flew out on one day's notice.

The history goes like this: some of Casey's ashes were spread in a memorial service and the rest were given to his best friend, many years earlier.

Approximately 300 people, including veterans and police, turned out for the funeral.                              I think I've got something in my eye.

• in the Alternate Universe Department, this time it's not me! My wife noticed that when she called her mother, it went right to voicemail. And Mom never noticed. No one else in the entire huge family has this problem. Mom is stymied.
• In order to call her mom, she has to call another family member to call Mom first, then have Mom call her. This should be fun if she needs to get in touch quickly.

Hell truly has frozen over. The pope told a gay man that God made him like this and God loves him. Well, Mr. Pope, from what I understand, that's a very Catholic thing to say - good on ya!  Don't they say love the sinner, hate the sin? Because this is so interesting, let me add that the remarks were made to a victim of clerical sexual abuse. A cynic might say that the insurance company made him say it.

Hoarders has refused to do a show on our house, as we have walkways and nothing's piled higher than anyone's head, Marshall excluded. I'm not sure whether to feel happy or excluded. In that spirit, we're house cleaning.

I have a computer room. Rather, I had a computer room. It's still physically there, but might have blipped into an alternate universe. When I opened the door, it had returned to our universe and I got nostalgic for the times my wife yelled at me because I spent all my time in there computing and building Stuff. So I started the front end loader and got enough things out so I could enter. Then more stuff. Then I remembered I forgot or refused to throw things out, so I went lighter, using a snow shovel. Having carved out enough space to work at the desk, I figured I could clean as I went along.

Perhaps I was a bit too ambitious.

But no experience is without learning, so I learned a few things...

• as little as 1/2" of dust on a keyboard can impair typing
• just because it's a huge outlet strip, with all sorts of things plugged into it, doesn't mean there's actually power there, or to all of the outlets. Fortunately I figured this out before the laptop laughed and shut itself down.
• Old square displays confuse the hell out of laptops, rendering at least one of the screens useless.
• mice with balls still work, people with them, not so much
• I had forgotten about the sensual experience of using a gel mousepad that's leaking gel. Amazon will benefit like mad.
• anything I want to use will be plugged into something else
• I have an odd number of speakers
• it's 20 degrees hotter than the rest of the house and to open the window is going to take some sort of gymnastics that might get me into the Olympics
• like fixing computers, there will be some amount of screaming and cursing involved
• I missed my ergonomic keyboards like mad