Hey - You've Got Your Snow on my..... Snow

Your love is like  dysentery

We were having trouble looking out the windows. Turns out they were just blocked. By snow.

Yes, it's the Week of the Damned, where it snows all week. 

As a result. we're out all week, re-moving the snow. We removed the snow the first time. Since then, it's all re-moving. Are you the kinda person who liked to do the same thing repeatedly? Involving physical exertion?

You realize this is going to lead to nasty arguments, possibly shootings. 

HEY - YOU GOT YOUR SNOW ON MY SNOW. 

NO WAY, THAT'S *MY* SNOW. 

HOW CAN YOU TELL? 

IT'S WHITE.

This is the city where triple parking is enforced, by the parkers, with handguns. Where there are yearly stories about chairs left in empty parking spots, resulting in verbal attacks, which are sometimes worse than the shootings.

• UC Berkely bans outdoor exercise
• also any hope of a normal adult life

The news, long held to be a questionable source of information (and sanity), referred to outdoor dining as comfy cozy. Mrs lefty observed that these people were nuts - 17 degrees is not comfy cozy, even for Eskimos. She was also amused that as soon as restaurants got outdoor freezing dining going, the city came along and demanded they install up-to-date HVAC. This city is not stupid. Well, yes it is, but it's stupid greedy. It will also keep the inspectors busy measuring table separating for social distancing. 

• PA police are looking for an umbilical cord thief. Yes, someone stole an umbilical cord and other things from a storage unit. Thus far, no one asked the victim why he keeps an umbilical cord in his storage unit. The thief did not steal the pancreas, which was just behind the umbilical cord.

Sometimes, when bored, we take turns reading out different forecasts. Mine shows no snow. Hers shows 3 days of snow. Meanwhile, the dog is figuring out how to levitate, so she doesn't have to touch the snow when she goes out. This will go well with her Walking on Water trick. Not everyone's dog is the Messiah, but we don't treat her any differently. Quite frankly, it's a little..... boring... having the Messiah. After 3 very mentally deranged American cockers, this English cocker is only slightly deranged, and very similar to... a...  dog. We always wondered what it would be like to have a dog, and now we know. Aside from the standard abandonment complex, she's a dog. She barks when anyone goes by the house. I gotta tell you, having a 'normal' dog is overrated. After that many dogs with complex personalities and oddities, having a normal dog is almost tedious. No otherworldly abilities, aside from the tendency to snatch stuffed animals from shelves she can't reach. She has a big mouth, like everyone else in the house.  Maybe we should get her her own cat, just to make things weird again. Marshall had his cat. Although we were told Penny liked to chase cats.... I guess she could heal the sick, but that would create quite a burden on our down time. Plus she'd bark each time one of the sick knocked on the door.

Today I identify as  the pile of dust that always accumulates on your laptop, both screen and keyboard.

Ignoring the special geniuses who wear their masks so their nose sticks out, we have a Great National Tragedy, which is Mask Slipping. It's even worse with those gaitors (not to mention those crocodiles). We need a Great American Inventor to come up with a Mask Bra! This will also satisfy the outrageously stupid recommendations to double mask. Naturally the DD-Bra wearers will be way more popular... even the guys.

• Bruce Springsteen was popped for DUI last year, after accepting a shot from a fan.
• Bruce Springsteen should be popped for his music, not DUI

Today the president  nervously demanded the impeachment proceedings be disbanded. He feels he did nothing to deserve it. And that somebody should take a hose to Nancy Pelosi

• In an historic first, women begin boot camp at Marine Corps Recruit Depot in San Diego
• We support equality here. Women have every right to be as gullible as men, believing they're defending the country, while they're actually supporting the Military Industrial Complex

Today the Russians  started influencing Faceyspaces users to continue the impeachment. Of Biden. So far the campaign is going well, with large numbers of users forwarding the ads to all their friends and their friends' friends and people they went to 1st grade with.

• White House looks at domestic travel restrictions
• we're not Conspiracy Theorists - we're Futurists

Denmark's top court will on Thursday begin an appeal hearing in which it will be asked to decide if coughing at someone while shouting "corona" constitutes threatening behaviour.  This is a very important case, especially for people like me, who call this Just Plain Fun, and practice it against people who annoy us in public. It's much funnier and more subtle if you just cough.

• Senate republicans say the trial has ended any chance of Trump running for office in the future.
• Huh? These people are even more disconnected from reality than we think. Yeah, make him the nominee for president in 2024! Vote him in as President for Life - no problem there. Even the greatest Obama fan will finally understand the necessity and inevitability.
• speaking of inevitability, the Debt will exceed the size of the economy - even before the new bailout. And we don't care. Congress should be pilloried for this. Instead, more spending.

My state just allowed itself a tax on out of state purchases.

Why should the state get a present from my purchases, made with money I had left over after I paid taxes for having a job?

• I need a cup of coffee to keep myself going. But the coffee maker is all the way in the other room...

TIP: do not use Ikea furniture for Adult Activities

TIP: If you're looking for Frank Marino (and Mahogany Rush) videos, which you should be, be aware that there's a Frank Marino who is a female impersonator.  You're bound to be disappointed if you're looking for a groundbreaking guitarist and find lipstick, wigs, and penis-hiding. Although Frank Marino (guitarist) has long hair, it is not a wig and he is not the least bit impersonating a female. By the same token, looking for a female impersonator and coming across a great guitarist could be odd too, although I can't say I've done it. By their very nature, guitar players hide their penises, but inadvertently, with a guitar. The Red Hot Chili Peppers would sometimes hit the stage dressed in only a sock. Still, the guitar would obscure that. Frankly, I'd be terrified of that dream, where you're in front of people, naked, even with a guitar. Do you want close to 10lbs of solid wood banging into (arguably) 6" of personal wood? How would you explain it to the people in the E/R?  

Was it a sex injury? 

No, not at all.

We're you clothed?

Nope.

Did someone hit you with a baseball bat?

Not exactly.

What happened, then?

Well, I was having that dream where I'm in front of people, naked, with a guitar.

I know that dream.

Then I repeatedly hit my equipment with my equipment. I couldn't walk off til I finished my set.

[staff] Ouch. Take these, ice it, and rest for 2 weeks. No gigs, or even dreams of gigs.

What about practicing at home? Clothed?

Not even with a winter jacket.

How about a sofa cushion?

Not til after 1 week.

What about Sex?

No thank you.

With my girlfriend.

I don't know her.

Can *I* have sex?

No, but thanks for asking me.

With my girlfriend.

Try this... bring her in on my break.

Can *I* have sex with my girlfriend?

I don't know - can you?

With my penis?

Well, that would be the traditional way.

It won't hurt?

It won't hurt me.

Look. Using my slightly damaged johnson, will it be bad to have sex with my girlfriend?

Probably for her.

You're not helping.

You will probably scream a lot too.

So I should avoid sex?

That would be up to your girlfriend.

I could always take matters into my own hands...

Let me put it this way: go ahead and try. You will know instantly whether it's a good idea or not.

Where did you say you went to medical school?

I didn't.

You didn't say or you didn't go?

Both.

I see. What are you doing here?

Practicing annoying people.

Couldn't you just run for public office instead? Same effect.

I like it here. I get to annoy people who are having the worst day of their life.

How much does insurance pay you?

Nothing - I do this for free. And the nurses.

But seriously, we're graduating from snow to sleet, freezing rain, ice, and toads. The toads are the best of it because you can see them. You don't see the rest of them until your car finds them. I'm going to get some pictures of Arizona, have them blown up, and tape them to my windows. Nothing to see anyway - just every variety of precipitation possible and the entire state cursing. The sun has successfully hidden behind the clouds and only faith assures us it's there. The more brave and inquisitive of us are outside, trying to figure out whether it's sleet or freezing rain. These are the people who stand outside and measure the rainfall, in case the large breasted newslady is lying.

My Eyebrows Are Giving Me Hell

I was in a mall yesterday and noticed an Eyebrow Design Studio kiosk in the middle of the aisle.

Eyebrow design. I had hoped that 2017 was Year of the Eyebrow and we'd never hear or see anything about it again. My wife, who spends as much time in malls as me, seemed to know all about it. I guess eyebrows are the natural progression from breast implants to push-up bras to blue hair to Brazilian waxes and anal bleaching. It's a weird world, but generally fun to live in.

I know, deep down, that there had to be some sort of Eyebrow Control Station somewhere, so why not the mall?  They were closely located to the perfume wagon with the obnoxious foreign fellow, spraying everyone walking by, then asking if they want to try the perfume (Eau de Skunk toilet water). On the other side was the soda machine. Like antiques and vintage guitars, if you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. There were no prices on the soda bottles, but they did have a slot for your debit card. And if you need a debit card to buy a bottle of soda....

Although I suspect the eyebrow place catered strictly to women, I allowed as how my eyebrow control is relegated to genetics. This doesn't stop my coworker from making rude comments about them. As she's female, they're even funnier, regardless of my having to go to the bathroom and cry for a half hour or so, or take some time off. This is a known entity to H/R and you are allowed time to get over this, provided you come back with a psychologist's note.

I spent some time observing this operation, by which I mean staring with my mouth open as I walked by. The Main Eyebrow Design Expert was standing on the customer's lap, studiously doing something in her expert way, involving what looked like an impossibly long string of dental floss.  I don't know about you, but I don't want to make the connection between eyebrows and dental floss any more than eyebrows and what looked like a combination pneumatic jackhammer  and weed whacker. Small wonder the mall businesses change so rapidly between our visits.

We were pretty excited to discover a Cinnabon in the mall. You know Cinnabon, right? Impossibly good cinnamon buns with some white, sugary substance akin to icing all over the top. It's an orgasm for your mouth. Then there's the Mochalotta Chill, which is a chocolate coffee drink; perfect to wash down your bon. New was a variation on the Mochalotta - an icy drink. My head was ready to explode. I decided against a bun because I'm trying to cut down, but my wife took my job and did the Bad Influence Thing, ordering a bun. I had no choice, Your Honor. We ate it at home, with glazed eyes and satiated sighs.

Because it was New Years Day, I checked the mall's website to determine their hours. It said normal hours. Because she's a wife, my wife demanded we call too, as the site was obviously wrong. Do you think women are born with this, or does it come with the wedding band? In any case, the phone agreed with the website's hours, and off we went. The secret here is that we left about 4pm, after a brief 'getting ready period' that went about an hour. I live in terror that if, heaven forbid, there's a fire, she simply won't make it out of the building. Speaking of buildings, the mall closed at 9pm.

Much to the wife's surprise, the humongous mall consisted largely of cell phone and shoe stores. In case you're still trying to guess, it's the shoe stores that caused the most glee, in spite of her cell phone, which has a whole gaggle of gremlins in it, that have messed up her contacts so badly that wrong names and photos come up for the contact, plus it refers to Jim Smith as Jim Jones. Back to the shoe stores, it was a great day for looking at shoes. Up one aisle and down the next. Up the next aisle and down another next aisle. These stores are larger than football stadiums, as if I've ever been in a football stadium.

I think I identified one of my wife's issues as we walked down the aisles:
Got that.
Got that.
Got something similar to that.
Got one almost like that, but in a different color.
Wouldn't wear that if they paid me.
DAMMIT- I knew they wouldn't have that in my size.

Praying for the sweet release of death, I thought we could get out of the store at that point. Proving that thinking positive is a waste of time, she discovered the Closeout section. Did you know that women's shoes go to size 15-16? Why that's ... uhhh... size 27 in men's. Must be like wearing an alligator on both feet. And in about 15 minutes, I'm going to get a nastygram from one of my readers who wears a size 16 due to a congenital deformity and I will have to stop blogging out of shame.

When she decided to try 'just a few on,' I asked if she wanted me to adopt a lisp and play Male Shoe Store Employee. She laughed and said no, as she handed me six boxes to shoes to carry over to the bench to try on. I got to hand her the shoes one by one, then she asked me how they looked. What is the correct answer here - I don't know but I can say with absolute certainty that "the shoes make you look fat" is NOT the correct answer. I discovered that agreeing with her assessment was the safest option. I should have known that because it's generally the correct answer (for dealing with me also). We escaped with only minor damage, yet great savings.

Then we went to the next shoe store. And the next shoe store. She kept feeling guilty because we had to get to the far end of the mall to visit the guitar store, which was my only stop. The far end of the mall was approximately six nautical miles in the other direction, whether taking a ship, taxi, kids' ride, or heaven forbid, walking. She wanted to get moving out of guilt. Ok, guilt and fairness, as I never get to go places I'd like to visit for one reason or the other. We noticed there were stores that never bothered to open. That's weird.  What is even weirder is that some stores started closing around 6pm. Yet according to the website and phone call, as you remember, the hours were 10-9.

We got the car and drove the six nautical miles, through the frozen tundra and piles of snow that the 30% of precipitation brought us the previous day. As we saw the entrance, Wife said they look like... and I said NO. They are OPEN. They will be OPEN even if I have to use this car to make the store a drive through.

And quick as that, the store was closed. Who knows if it ever opened... certainly not mall management.

Bring the band on down behind me, boys....
For those of you playing along at home, pre-Christmas, we attempted to visit quite a number of guitar stores quite a number of times. We failed each and every time, for reasons no one can understand or articulate.

Due to the most interesting timing, or for the sake of entertainment of some larger agency of which we're completely unaware (some call it God, some call it The Universe, and some call it That Thing That Fucks With Me), anyway... I don't get presents. I don't get them at xmas and I don't get them for my birthday, as something always pops up at the last moment to divert funds from me. Even when I've been assigned a few dollars, something will require it before I get a chance to use it. Last year it was the dog's oncology bills. I try to take it with a grain of salt, even though I greatly prefer sugar. I'd rather have a well dog anyway, even if that doesn't explain why my presents came up missing most times before Marshall got sick. Can you say Obamacare and health expenses in general? I knew you could.

I mention this not for sympathy, but for background information.
As we saw no lights on at the guitar store, I yelled NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
It's not just one event.. it's a whole compendium of them lately. After a whole mess of crap, it's hard to not take it personally. As if I were important enough in the scheme of things to be someone's entertainment.

I'm feeling kinda like Charlie Brown ("I got a rock").
I asked my dear partner who she was. Without hesitation it was Lucy. Because she's loud and in charge.

Apparently she gets good deals on shoes too.

• If you found yourself spending money at a Forever 21 store last year, you should know they got hacked, via a data stealer on their Point of Sale devices (formerly known as Cash Registers). Reacting with frightening speed, they announced the breach after being infected for 7 months, which they didn't know. How did they uncover the malware? A third party told them.
• Yes, of course their important data is encrypted to prevent theft. Only the encryption "was not always on."    Bzzzt: Crap Alert.
• Customers were notified in November, after 7 months.
• The statements from Forever 21 were all ludicrous and full of imaginary visions and soothing terms. Yes, the malware ran from April to November, but in some locations, it was only running for a few days or several weeks.
• In most cases, the malware was "only" able to collect credit card numbers, expiration dates and internal verification codes, but cardholder names were also compromised in some instances.  Bzzt: this press release was put out by the PR department, not the IT department.
• Oddly enough, in 2008, nearly 99,000 Forever 21 cards may have been compromised in a series of hacks.
• Before you giggle at Forever 21 customers, Brooks Brothers, Buckle, and Eddie Bauer had cyber intrusions in 2016 and 2017.
• Your best and safest option is to disguise yourself as someone else and pay cash for everything you purchase. And purchase everything in second hand stores, just in case; which are less likely to have facial recognition systems.

Parts of the northeast coastal states were confused by weather the other day. Forecasters predicted a snowstorm with 5-8" total accumulation. Because snow was forecast, no one expected it to happen. Everyone was caught with their shovels down.

Fun Stuff happens with a black dog in white snow. When he comes in, he looks like the Abominable Snow Span.

• I didn't notice for a while, but we're having a serious Gravity Day in the house. Everything my wife picked up, threw itself at the floor, taking a few other things with it. When she left the kitchen, a loaf of bread did a water slide to the floor. Then some dressing left a shelf, taking a bag of cereal with it. 
• I didn't notice this happening until she made a few loud remarks on the subject. Then my vitamins fell off their perch. Then a few other things took a header off a table.
• There is no cure for gravity (that sounds deep, doesn't it?). You just have to wait til it falls off.

Speaking of snow, the forecast calls for a high of 42 degrees late this week. With that kind of weather, I need to make sure my body is bikini-ready. Meanwhile, it will be really weird, slipping on ice in June.

So.. speaking of snow, we're on our way out of the house to do a few errands and get some barbecue. OOPS, it's 4am and the wife starts talking to me as if I'm awake and waiting for her missive: "Well, so much for barbecue - we're getting rain, sleet, and more snow." I have suggested that we hold a telethon to purchase a climate. This time it's even weirder... the South is getting it too.

Speaking of snow and sleet, the PANIC has started. Schools are letting out early today and some are already closed tomorrow. This alone should indicate we'll get no precipitation at all. The stores are no doubt jammed so badly that you can't get down an aisle. This is to be expected, as it's Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) here. Bloody idiots.

Now we face a different problem... we haven't shopped in a while and are actually out of SODA. The plan was to go today. Now if we go today, we'll run into the Bloody Idiots and we won't find bread or milk in the city. If they'd stop being idiots, our life would be much easier, but that simply ain't gonna happen. If we stand too close to the idiots, people might think we ARE idiots. It's almost, but not quite, worth it to stay home, without soda.

• Speaking of staying home, I've probably mentioned that I'm working on my agoraphobia certificate. That's the disorder where you don't leave the house. I don't get out much at all, except the odd trip for barbecue or to visit a guitar store (that will invariably be closed or not have a thing for me). Psychologically I've come up with Coincident Agoraphobia, where it just looks like agoraphobia, but I can leave whenever I like, and Stupophobia, where I don't leave the house because of the idiots on the other side of the door.
• Thanks for tuning into another fascinating episode of Dr lefty, Amateur Psychologist (and part-time Gynecologist).

So this Intel chip Spectre and Meltdown vulnerabilities have been found to brick some PCs with AMD chips, sometimes completely screwing up the pc because there's no back-out point set. And if your antivirus company hasn't set a particular bit (or you have an illegal copy), you won't get any future Microsoft updates. This is going to get worse, both due to future discoveries, and the solutions that introduce different problems. Fortunately you have my bright, sunny outlook on the subject.

• Did you know that the border of the US extends 100 miles from the coast? Customs and Border Patrol can stop you, in spite of the 4th Amendment, which is obviously dead in this case. The government has legalized a brief search for immigration status, but not an invasive search (which happens anyway). If you're a victim, contact the ACLU. This is the kind of thing it is necessary to know and strongly protest. Why is it there? 9-11 was a tremendous excuse for expansion of infrastructure.
• If you're in New York City or Philadelphia, you're on the border, so watch out.