We Need Commonsense Truck Laws

It was a fine morning.
The wife had taken off at some unearthly time to take the parents to the airport. They were flying to somewhere (allegedly) warm.* It was so early, she had to scrape ice off the windows.
Back home, I had to get the trash out before the trucks did their parade down the block. Fortunately they didn't have their marching music blasting from the trucks this morning. The Crazy Lady was peering out her spyhole front window, shaking her head disapprovingly, as her trash goes out three seconds after the Minimum Allowable Time strikes the previous day.

Running late, I looked down at Marshall, who looked up, expectantly.
Ah yes, The Dance of the Medicines.
As you know, he isn't very good with taking his pills, depending on your definition of good. He has figured out all manner of not taking his pills, worse than a psych patient in a locked ward. We have tried all sorts of hiding places, like peanut butter, cheesecake, lunchmeat, tuna loaf, Tastykakes, and whatever else is around. This week we're back to turkey. I carefully roll the pill in turkey and present it to His Highness. He quickly sniffs it and gobbles it (sorry). I notice the chewing isn't at his usual rate, which signals Shenanigans. Not hearing the pill drop on the floor (he spits them out while eating the lunchmeat), I turned to give him another pill and there he sat, pill attached to the side of his mouth. Now if you're a black dog, you should probably not hide your white pills on the side of your face. Yes, he's smarter than we are, but according to science, he sees black and white.. perhaps some color.

Running later, it was time for breakfast. No, not mine - his.
Marshall gave up dog food a while ago. As he is doing his best to train his parents, he hasn't had to touch the stuff since. I guess it's not so bad - the stuff costs more than our food, plus we know what he's getting. Unfortunately there was none of it about, so I went with the No Fail Option: tuna. Or as he prefers, "Smells Like Cat Food." Never a problem with tuna. It comes in its own juices too, which drives him nuts (further).

Then it was time for my pills. There's the one to prevent diving under the desk and sitting there for the rest of the day. The other one to counteract the side effects of the one that prevents diving under the desk. The most disgusting pill known to man: vitamin B. I've seen people willingly choose the stuff they give to prisoners with a death sentence over vitamin B.  Then there's the pill that keeps me off the mail lady. The postmaster was very clear about this, so I try not to miss any.

It's not that my wife takes a lot of pills, but the pharmacy truck pulls up after the mail lady leaves.

• All we hear about these days is the opioid crisis. I mention this because the dog takes a non-opioid, very mild pain reliever. Recently we discovered that the Mother In Law also takes this pill. Mother In Law was very unhappy to discover that the dog's dosage is higher than hers and is on the phone to the doctor now.
• As for the Great Opioid Crisis of 2017, a presidential order will result in further chasing of our tails and, importantly, genuinely sick people not being able to get their pain medication. Remember the signs on the pharmacies that said "We do not carry Oxycontin"?

We cannot go a few days without Internet of Things news, and today's is a real winner. LG has a Smart Vacuum. Yes, you read that right. For the bargain price of $549, you get a vacuum that streams video to a smart app on your phone.  The problem is that an attacker can intercept the video, hack the account, and 'gain control of the device'. While it might sound like someone else doing the vacuuming, it could allow access to the home network. So someone can look around your house. 

There are patches to secure the device, but these depend on the vacuum owner having the latest version of the app. What are the odds.....? By the way, over 400,000 of these vacuums have been sold. We're just asking for it. 

Back in my days of customer service, I was taught that when I say NO, I should offer an alternate solution. Well, I left customer service because I hate people, but I want to help. What I'm going to do is keep my house just like its owner: dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. I managed to use vacuums all my life that didn't have a video system that streamed to my phone. You did too. My vacuum is not required to see, as that's a function I can handily perform. My tv does not need to listen to me or send details of what I watch to the manufacturer. My toaster does not need to communicate with anything, other than to tell me when my toast is done (DING). I can survive without my fridge showing me what's in it and telling me what I need to buy at the store.

It's not that I can't see the value of certain smart appliances. A friend has his tv set up through his network and can control it with his voice. Another talks to his Google box, which gives him handy answers to questions and reminds him of things. That's pretty cool... this is the future we read about. What we didn't read about was the technology spying on us and hackers taking over our home network. It's your choice.

• Because of all the ship incidents recently, the Navy has made sweeping changes, including improved training for sailors. 
• Do. Not. Hit. Other. Ship.

China and the US signed an agreement not to hack each others private sector companies for commercial gain in 2015. After the signing, hacking dropped ninety percent. This is really an accomplishment, except that the intrusions haven't entirely stopped; the Crap Cleaner malware left signs that China was involved. 

Taken on its own, an agreement not to hack private sector companies kinda willingly pushes aside the small matter of hacking government systems. 

Mom... Russia is looking at all our files.
Yes, Dear, but they've agreed to ignore files on regular people's computers.

• Tenth graders in California (where else?) are being taught that their sex partner must say 'yes' every ten minutes or it's rape.
• Omitted from this all-encompassing piece of knowledge is what to do when you have multiple partners at the same time.
• Also missing is whether 'oh my God' is an affirmation.
• Who reports the 'rape' if the partner waited til eleven minutes to say 'yes'?
• Do both partners have to do the Rape Dance afterwards, if any laws were broken?
• Can't the president just build The Wall around California?

Parents: you're doing a great job by monitoring your kids' internet use, on their phone, computer, and tv. Unfortunately, the Circle with Disney program you're using has been found to have twenty two vulnerabilities. You're still practicing good parenting, though... instead of monitoring, you're teaching your children to hack. This is a very valuable skill in the 2010s.

• Because you're an aspiring linux guru, here's 3 tools to help you remember linux commands.

Apple will share face-mapping data from the iPhoneX with third-party app developers. Although not as alarming as the headline sounds, this is bad news.

• There's a lawsuit. Yes, there's always a lawsuit, but this one's a winner: a woman is suing Sephora (it's a makeup store, guys) because one of their lipstick samplers gave her herpes. No word on whether the sampler was called Ron and if it was applied in the back room.

Hold onto your hats, kids.... an independent Special Committee has cleared four Equifax executives, including the CFO, of insider trading, after they sold shares just before a major data breach was revealed. Yes, there may be more facts in evidence of which we are not aware, but please... the selloff occurred over a few days, right after they discovered the breach (a month before it was made public). Let me phrase it differently: if you or I had done this, we wouldn't have internet access in jail.

• Offshore law firm Appleby got hacked recently and the hacker dumped an awful lot of information for everyone to see. Yeah, yeah, another breach, it's Monday. Wanna hear a few bits of information?
• secret financial dealings between commerce secretary Ross and a Russian firm part-run by Putin's son-in-law
• millions of dollars of investment in Facebook and Twitter from Russian state companies
• Yes, I like to watch things burn sometimes.. especially when information like this comes to light. They're dirty all the way up to the top.

Pence Leaning on His Kaine

Cruise lines are banning Samsung Note 7s on their ships. Airlines are going there if not already. If I had one, I'd extend this to cars and houses. Probably pants and sidewalks too. Remember: they don't have to be on to catch fire. Kinda heartwarming when you think about it. New horror movie: Samsungs on a Plane.

• Speaking of Things, Animas insulin pumps can be hacked to deliver an overdose, via any of three vulnerabilities.  You have to remember that these devices need to have security built in and it is the responsibility of the consumer to take reasonable steps to secure it from their end. At very least change the default password, search Duckduckgo.com or a lesser search engine for  known vulnerabilities. Interestingly, all of the hacks make use of the unit's wireless capabilities. This can be done anywhere from 1-2KM (.86-1.574 miles) from the unit. In an unusual step, the manufacturer has gone public with the hack and posted a fix.
• Funny cartoon on what happens when you use 'connected' appliances.

If you have a Yahoo email account, know that Yahoo was forced to comply with a FISA court (government) demand to scan all email for a 'terrorist signature'. The order prevented Yahoo from disclosing anything relating to it. I previously recommended changing passwords due to the Yahoo hack. Now I'm recommending that you close your Yahoo account to let them know how you feel about Secret Email Scanning and security vs liberty. I'm closing mine.

• I've recommended the encrypted texting app Signal since I discovered it. I use it as my only chat app. You should too. It is a drop-in replacement for your existing chat and encrypts any text sent to a person also running Signal. If they don't have Signal, it works as normal but isn't encrypted. So install it and tell your friends. There's now a desktop version, although I'm not sure I need to text from my desktop. The app exists as a Chrome plugin, which is a shame, as I primarily use Firefox.  The phone app runs on android and the other operating system that shall not be named. Being a Chrome plugin, it will run on any desktop operating system that has a Chrome or Chrome-based browser.
• Why do I need encrypted texting or browsing, lefty? Certainly not because I'm doing anything wrong but because privacy is a right. If you don't use your rights, you lose them. Plus it's nobody's business what you're doing.

I invented a food. Yes, little old me. We were at a late night dinner after a gig. I got those wide-flat french fries, which are generally tasteless and require salt. The salt was hidden down at the other end of the table, because you don't want to put too much salt on a large table of diners. Fortunately, sitting next to me was a young lady who had ordered a Greek(?) salad. She did not like anchovies, so she left them in a pile next to the plate. Hmmm.... no salt... anchovies... and now we have Anchovy Fries. Since most people tend to hate anchovies, this will be of absolutely no use to them, but I don't care - I invented something. It was borderline clever, like me.

• A new study has linked birth control pills to depression. Is nothing sacred? Think of how depressed you'll be if birth control fails...
• Speaking of depression, a lot of antidepressants have the lovely side effect of sexual dysfunction. This can range from some libido loss to complete libido loss and/or inability to function in males and females. Wanna talk about depression? And btw, these side effects start immediately, where the antidepression effect can take weeks.

You may want to seriously consider who you're burgling.  Two miscreants broke into a house to burgle. What they didn't know is that the house belonged to America's most prolific gay sex predator. I can't read the article but I bet it's full of gay sex predator goodness, complete with picture of the fella, complete with cigar. And when I say cigar.... I mean cigar.

• I'm not sure if this would be called Butt Shaming or not, but a UK student got a vibrator stuck up her bum during sex. She rated her own article (with G-rated pictures) in one of Englands many rags. This may be the difference between the US and the UK. In the US, there would be a lot of whispering among medical people. In the UK, she gets her own story, complete with pictures from the hospital bed. They even have one of the boyfriend. You decide which is the better country.

Amazon, everybody's favorite shop for just about everything, has stopped selling a 'sexy burka' Halloween costume because it's racist. We know it's going to get worse before it goes away somehow. First it was American Indian references, now Muslim garb.  What's next - cowboys? Buzz Lightyear unfair to astronauts? Richard Nixon (and ghosts) unfair to the dead?

• Kazakhstan's president, Nursultan Nazarbayev, is being treated for a cold. Stay tuned - leaders being treated for minor ailments are usually in trouble. I'd include a link but the page is in Kazakhstani. If you can read Kazakstani, let me know. Better yet, don't.

Award for Excellent Corporate Citizen goes to Samsung, which just pulled its fire-prone Note 7 from the market. Several weeks after it started catching fire. Samsung said to turn off original and replacement devices. As reported here, turning them off doesn't make a difference: they catch fire anyway (like the one on the plane). Perhaps the returned units will catch fire in transit, making things just that much more exciting.

• IMPORTANT GOOGLE ACTION REQUIRED: go to this site and tighten up your Google security if you have a Gmail account or deal with Google at all. It's all explained for mortals. Please.

Speaking of Google, Yahoo wants to spy on people through billboards, via microphones and cameras which might be on the sign on in nearby drones. Hell approacheth.

Brussels Sprouts

Marshall the cocker will eat raw Brussels sprouts, but he prefers them slathered in butter and salt.

Moments after the explosion, the French rushed right in and did the right thing: they surrendered to the Brussels Airport, American Airlines Division.

• In England, sexting among under-16s is 'skyrocketing', leaving the rest of us to wonder, longingly, where this technology was when WE were young.

The FBI is warning new car owners about hacking risk (from the FBI).

• Batman vs Superman? We have truly exhausted every plot imaginable. God vs Muhammed? The Tick vs Bipolar Bear?

The self-lacing shoe? Have we finally reached the point where we're too lazy to tie our own shoes (people in pain aside)? I appreciate the surety of taking the trash out and untying my shoes automatically (and tripping). Or running out after the dog at 3am because he's barking. This way, the neighbors get the dog barking and me cursing over shoelaces magically coming untied. I think the neighbors look forward to these events (it's a quiet neighborhood). But seriously.. self-dressing underwear? Auto-install bras would take half the fun out of things.

• What happens when you introduce an innocent Artificial Intelligence chat robot to Twitter? Well, it's kind of predictable - you get an evil Hitler-loving, incestual sex-promoting, 'Bush did 9/11'-proclaiming robot. There is a slight possibility that aritficial intelligence is not ready for prime time.

A woman has married the sperm donor father of her child. Dates, like sperm, are hard to come by.

• TMZ, the foul, evil, stupid tv show, has been sued for naming the wrong rapper who cut his penis off. Is this a thing now?

A Saudi prince has been sued for trashing a $100,000 Hollywood mansion via wild cocaine, stripper-fueled parties. Who knew the Saudis could party like this?

• Flight MH370 has become so good at not being found that a remote-controlled robot that was searching for it disappeared.

Bill and Ted 3 is waiting for a script and has studio support. This includes Alex Winter (who is working on a Frank Zappa movie) and Keanu Reeves. Whether or not we want to see it is anyone's guess.

When I die and go to hell, it will look just like Chuck E. Cheese

With Leather!

So there's a Rebecca Black Operating System. It comes with a gun so you can shoot yourself.

• The wallpapers for Ubuntu 16.04 have been revealed. Because we don't give a shit about the operating system-we're only concerned about how it looks.

Apparently we've been playing Gershwin wrong for seventy years - the taxi horns are out of tune. The joke is on the horns, as nobody I know plays Gershwin.

• Clarence Thomas just broke a ten-year silence at the Supreme Court. He farted.

A Google self-driving car hit a bus in California last month. Twelve people sued SEPTA in Philadelphia for injury.

• In news no one saw coming, a top Vatican cardinal says senior clergy lied about child sexual abuse. I think the Catholic church has jumped the shark. They have proven time and again they cannot/will not clean their own house. Absolutely no offense meant to Catholics. 

In the interest of truth in reporting, it's very telling to note the crazed reporting of Donald Trump's Secret Service detail shoving a reporter to the ground. They seem to be conveniently ignoring the picture of the reporter grabbing the Secret Serviceman's neck first. If you need any proof of biased reporting... and Trump isn't my choice - I'm just pointing this out.

• Pennsylvania diocese knew of sex abuse for decades, grand jury says. Perhaps it's time to build a new Catholic church. The old one is riddled with child molesters and cover ups.

A British company will allow women to take days off during period. I can't decide if this is just plain silly or defamatory to women.

• How to get around Ebay's latest security vulnerability. If you're not interested in why and how, start about halfway though.

Ever wonder why tv shows and movies cover up logos? Wonder no more. I like it because I see less apples.

• Still undecided on November's election? I think I have the answer to your problems: Donald Trump and Charlie Sheen! Hookers and blow in the White House, out in the open. No more sneaking them in through the back door, a la JFK. Transparency! Make the Oval Office back into the Oral Office, as it should be. Isn't it time for beautiful women in the White House? 

Seventh Day Adventist minister and nearly inaudible presidential candidate Ben Carson has said "there is no way forward" for his campaign.  He did not say he was pulling out (if that's ok with Seventh Day Adventists), just that there was no way forward and he would not be doing the opening number at the next debate.

• The Department of Defense has invited hackers to hack the Pentagon's websites. What could possibly go wrong?

If you're into music, you should see the new movie Jaco. It's about the legendary bassist Jaco Pastorius and his influence on music. Just got done watching it - highly recommended.

I just want it to be this easy.

Teaching Ravens to Fly Under Water

Continuing the ThermionicEmissions hatred and coverage of selfies, we have an 18 yeard old Florida woman who police said took selfies as she was having sex with her pitbull. Not known was whether the pictures were posted to Faceyspaces or Instagram.

• While we're continuing, here are the top ten passwords from the Ashley Madison hack: 123456, 12345, password, DEFAULT, 123456789, qwerty, 12345678, abc 123, pussy and 1234567. ThermionicEmissions readers know better than to use these kinds of passwords.

Husband bites estranged wife's nose off and eats it after she fails to return his calls. "When I said 'eat me,' what I meant was...."

• Countdown to Popemageddon continues: US sex victims say Church remains obstacle to justice. 
• A pastor committed suicide six days after his name came up in the Ashley Madison hack. 
• Men of God, all of them.

As it turns out, reports of Monty Python Terry Gilliam's death are premature. He has not joined the choir invisible, he is not pushing up daisies, he was not nailed to the perch and no one will have to come home from holiday to a dead Gilliam. For his part, Gilliam apologized for being dead.

• Dereliction of Parenting Department: Irish Dad sues Facebook after eleven year old daughter sent provocative pictures of herself to men and had chats. Ummm... Dad... if your eleven year old daughter behaves like this, Facebook might not be her only issue, eh?

California legislators approve bill allowing doctors to give patients suicide pills. They should give this over to the Pentagon's 'secure' virus labs. Perhaps they'll send them to DC by mistake.

• Both Chrissy Hynde (Pretenders) and Grace Jones have had their say about today's female stars: “They dress up as though they are challenging the status quo, but by now, wearing those clothes, pulling those faces, revealing those tattoos and breasts, singing to those fractured, spastic, melting beats – that is the status quo."  If you told me I'd be quoting Grace and Chrissy, I'd tell you that you were driving the short bus, short a few wheels.

Pentagon computers hacked again - this time it's the Food Court!  Never mind the Office of Personnel Management - this is WAR.

• When they came to tax my salary, I was silent. When they came to tax my drinks, I was silent. When they came to tax my internet, I was silent. Now who is going to speak up for me, now that they have come to tax my porn?  Yes, Alabama, rather than fixing their problems, has levied a massive porn tax.

America gets a D in science: 22% confuse astronomy with astrology. We are a nation of morons. Now ask yourself who this benefits....

• Tired of the endless iDevice hype? This puts it in perspective.

Forty-two percent of registered voters think Hillary Clinton is the presidential candidate most qualified to protect the United States from cyberattacks. Occasionally there is a headline so stupefying that I have no choice but to reproduce it. We not only fail to remember last we - we actively ignore it.  What was I saying about a nation of morons?

• A few weeks back, at work, I was in the men's room, doing what one does in the men's room. Also in the men's room was another fellow, doing what one does in the men's room. He starts singing, which I found weird, as well as being outside of the Accepted Rules of Rest Room Etiquette (ARRREQ). "Oh Sara... Oh Sara... Oh Sara..." he went on. After a few of these, it began to seem that this guy had a problem, ostensibly named Sara. He sounded hurt. I felt sorry for the guy - we've all experienced this. Not so sorry that it wouldn't make it to the blog, of course. Unless I completely forgot.
• Today I was back in the men's room, doing what one does in the men's room, when I heard some dude talking to the loo. No, not talking - singing. "Oh Sara...oh Sara...oh Sara..." he continued, with the familiar tone of sadness.  Along with his singing, I hope he wasn't also practicing his dancing.

Japan's crippled Fukushima nuclear plant Monday began releasing previously contaminated water into the sea. Previously contaminated? Is this some sort of code? New math? Triplespeak? Rest assured that whatever comes out of TEPCO (Japan's nuclear authority) has been marginalized and homogenized to within an inch of its life, much like American politicians. From the initial incident, TEPCO has sought to minimize any impact. Yet here they are, inventing the state 'previously contaminated'. Do you suppose all of the nuclear waste we bury in Yuma, AZ, is previously contaminated? Would you mind it being dumped in the ocean?

• Obamacare enrollees must double to make budget projections work. Ain't socialized medicine grand? I'd love to give you an 'I told you so,' but I'm paying for this just like you.
  

Two Muslim fundamentalist preachers were discussing the question of “whether wives should be beaten or not” when two topless activists jumped onstage. Ummm... if it's feminist to not believe women should be beaten, call me feminist. In yet another case of extreme journalistic bad taste and incompetence, the Telegraph put black bars over the women's breasts. All of the news, guys... censorship will not be tolerated.

TECH

• Malibu Phone Home: Chevy reports to parents on teens' driving habits.  If this car can report on your teen...
• Oops - GM performed a stealth update because of a long-term vulnerability (2010-2014) to OnStar. The only way to truly fix this issue is to completely disable the hardware (it's easy).
• Remember this blog reporting on California optical internet cables being cut about eleven times? Systems of the US Department of Energy were breached more than 150 times between October 2010 and October 2014. I believe this need some serious study. What would happen if either went down? Shades of the east coast US power blackout, allegedly caused by a squirrel. I hope to be mistaken here.

As if Windows 10 isn't enough of a pervasive, spying data sinkhole, Windows is now downloading it to your computer, even if you didn't ask for it. Just in case, you know.

Make with the Music

Superstar is frequently used but not frequently earned. In this case, I'm sure you'll agree that Queen neatly embodies the term. From their humble beginnings to stardom beyond expectations, this incredible band of audio and video experts truly entertained.

Queen could not have been without the outrageous frontman and composer, Freddie Mercury. Born Farouk Balsara, he could certainly command attention. Less publicized is his ability to musically direct the band in the studio. He sometimes came in with complete musical scenarios, which the band ably saw to completion. Freddie's personal life is fairly well known and a biography turned up a great line: Freddie's parties were truly something to behold, but I can't say more without the advise of my attorney.

Brian May, the guitarist who built his own guitar, is responsible for large amounts of Queen's sound, with his wall of amplifiers and multitracked, delayed harmony guitars. Yet somehow he manages to carry the excess off live. Brian is also a doctor of astrophysics, perhaps the doctor with the tallest hair of the title. `39 is a more acoustic song that Brian sings. It deals with the very interesting, and sometimes sad, topic of time travel and time relativity. The chorus harmonies are right out of the Queen playbook.

The spirit of show business shines through on The Show Must Go On. And it must*.

Successes are complex beasts but often have a great sense of humor, not to mention boundless creativity. I Want to Break Free is a good example. I can't say I'm crazy about the song, but the video is absolutely hysterical. I understand it was popular in Britain but didn't translate well Across the Pond. This does not strike me as requiring any translation at all.

One of my favorite Queen tunes, from the Sheer Heart Attack album, is Brighton Rock. Unless you're a rabid fan, you might not know it. As if you didn't know why I like it, the reason might start around 1:50 in. It's a solo symphony.

Freddie and the band will live forever in our ears.

After Freddie's death, Queen toured with the great Paul Rogers singing (an unfortunate mismatch), then Adam Lambert. One day, after viewing Adam, Freddie's ghost was heard to say, "Unh-uh. No way. Too gay."

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen cocker?

* RELEVANT ANECDOTE: Back in my musical comedy performing days, I had a weekend show in Bumfukt, PA. Hungry, we set out for some local food pre-show. A pizza place was down the street so off we went. I ordered a meatball sandwich because it's harder to screw up, plus gray meatballs were a favorite target of mine.

After the show we went home, as we were wont to do after shows. The next morning, I begged my girlfriend for help in stopping the bed from spinning rapidly, in the opposite direction that the room was spinning. Things got no better from there, at which point we made the difficult diagnosis of gray meatball-induced food poisoning.

As the spinning was getting faster, we called our agent, requesting he put in another act. Ever accommodating, the agent told us there was no other act.  As a result, I had to stand onstage, buffered on each side by a group member. While there was great internal debate about the hilarity of projectile vomiting, I decided against it. Afterwards they packed me in with the gear and took me home. Eventually the room stopped its rapid rotation.

The Show Must Go On.

The Week in Skepticism

Apparently bunnies have a weed problem in Utah.

This blog has taken a break from the usual cynicism and general distrust but today we're back in full strength.

White House Celebrates National Freedom of Information Day by Making Office of the Administration Exempt from Freedom of Information.  Yes, the most transparent kingdom ever.

• Judicial committee approves FBI plan to expand hacking powers. They voted 11-1 to modify a rule to allow judges more flexibility in how they approve search warrants for electronic data. It's for the children.

How police fight to keep use of Stingrays quiet.  No, not the Corvette - this is the black box that spies on your cell phone by impersonating a cell tower. It would be catastrophic if the citizens knew how their Fourth Amendment rights were abridged.

• Despite Snowden leaks, Americans' use of the net largely unchanged. I should change the name of this blog to We're a Nation of Morons.

Private companies continue to amass millions of license plate photos, hold onto the data forever.

Automatic license plate readers are everywhere. The data is accessible to police and certain members of the public: car dealers, insurance companies, private detectives… basically anyone willing to pay access fees and who can offer a suitable justification for digging through a multi-billion plate database.

 Hertz puts video cameras inside its rental cars, has 'no current plans' to use them. We promise. Trust us. We're from the government and we're here to help you.

• McDonald's workers claim they were told to treat burns with mayo, mustard. It's still better advice than eating the food.

CIA worked with DOJ to re-purpose foreign surveillance airborne cell tower spoofers for domestic use. This wonderful example of intra-departmental cooperation is to spy on you, but it's for your own safety. Never mind that this is the CIA working on domestic issues....

• The Secret Service, fresh from drunk driving and failure to remain awake stints, is looking for eight million dollars to build a fake White House to train their agents. They have, however, rejected a fake Obama, saying that one is more than enough. Although it sounds like a great place to work, that's a lot of taxpayer money for hookers and booze.

Apropos of nothing, here is the story of an accomplished deviant Manhattan lawyer (redundant, I know) who liked to dress up as a TSA officer and choke his girlfriends during rough sex. Like the guy who shot two policeman in Ferguson, he explained that he meant to strangle someone else.

• Thailand warns that women who post 'underboob' photos face five years in jail. It's full frontal nudity or nothing - they have an image to protect.

Trial to begin for North Carolina man who cuffed a child to the porch with a dead chicken around his neck. Prosecutors demand animal cruelty charges.

• And speaking of North Carolina, the people must be incredibly tolerant. A man has been standing in his doorway, naked and smoking for ten years. Neighbors called the police, who said the man was doing nothing wrong. The neighbors claimed he was setting a bad example by smoking.

The big news is not that the Prevaricator-in Chief is keeping us in Afghanistan, it's that Angelina Jolie, famous for her looks, her husband, and voluntarily removing two of her breasts to avoid cancer, has had her ovaries removed, also to prevent cancer.

For commentary, we asked our medical consultant, Dr. Wilma Deth, about this surgery.  Dr. Deth has opined that this has absolutely nothing to do with cancer. Angelina simply hates her life and her husband, not to mention her thirty-some children and all of her money.  It has been theorized that Angelina is simply trying to escape, piece by piece, but Dr. Wilma states otherwise - that this is nothing more than self-mutilation, like cutting, tattoos and multiple piercings (especially on the genitals).  So instead of slicing and dicing her arms, she has an organ or two removed.  Imagine having at least two of your breasts removed.....

--Dr. Deth is a native of Camden, New Jersey, and practices in Florida.  What she practices is still unknown.

The Unemployment Follies - Final: The Pets' Lament

Thanks for hanging in there with Thermionic Emissions through this most interesting time (all three of you).

As you might have noticed, this is the final installment of The Unemployment Follies.  This can mean a number of things: 1. I'm going to shoot myself (or someone else), 2. I somehow managed to become employed.  As amusing an idea of shooting would be, I'm going to have to go with number two; I somehow managed to become employed.

This blog is nothing if not logical.  Now follow this logic: as we know, I'm am information security guy. And as we've all read, there are tons of hacking incidents happening all over the place, each worse than the previous one. Therefore, there is a huge demand for security people, so I should get a job very quickly.  While this blog is logical, little outside of it is, thus the five month desperate search for a new position.

My wife is very supportive. She's been dealing with everything well but for some reason lately she's been reminding me (constantly) that I only have one month of unemployment compensation left. It's not that I didn't appreciate the rather frequent, panic-filled reminders, but I was somewhat well-acquainted with the impending date. No pressure, of course. Mowing lawns and McDonalds were starting to look good. And you know about my almost paralyzing fear of mowing. Not to mention my almost paralyzing fear of eating anything from McDonalds.

I started looking outside my specialty. Interviews started picking up. I spent hours each day looking for a job. My in-laws were holding prayer vigils outside the house at night, complete with candles that kept me up until daylight. The neighbor's children added me to their school's prayer list. Two people read my tarot cards and put me in a job before the end of the year. A friend said I was working way too hard and to simply ask for a new job within forty-eight hours, also writing it down on a piece of paper.

One, some, or all of the above held a conference, wherever these types of conferences are held and laid one on me. Within a few hours, someone called about a job. Within a week, I was provisionally hired. When I say provisionally, I mean that they have to do a little snooping around in my past. You're thinking that I'll be back on the unemployment rolls again, aren't you? I wish them luck - since I can't remember a bunch of it, perhaps they'll have better luck (and tell me a little about it). Hopefully neither of us will discover what I did with the bodies.


ADJUSTMENTS

There will have to be many adjustments made after me being home for such a long time. The ones affected most would be the poor pets.  Not that we weren't bonded well before this but now I have two quadrupeds almost physically attached to me all day.  Since I'm not exactly an athletic guy, this means there are two pets fighting for lap and sofa space all day. If one lays against my leg, the other one hops up on my lap. This is less than optimal, as there's usually a laptop there. The damn dog can do things I can't do on my laptop, with just one paw. I suspect my wife will have to take them through some sort of Pet De-Attachment Program. They won't know what to do without Daddy sitting around the house all day.

Inter-species same sex sibling relationships are the best.

The humans will have to make adjustments too, like having electricity and heat. Ok, more like having better chocolate and paying bills. I have a genuine fondness for paying bills. Well, maybe not a genuine fondness and maybe the wife pays the bills, but you get where I'm going with this.

Speaking of the little four-legged darlings, the cat has taken to peeing on a mat by the kitchen sink. Even after I've just gotten up, the mat does not resemble his litter box in any way, shape, or form. Now picture my sheer delight when washing the dishes, to discover I'm standing on a mat made wet by cat urine. Serves me right for not wearing shoes when I wash dishes. Or for having a lovely little furball who decided not to use his litter box that particular time.

The dog, not to be left out, has decided I take too much time to let him in from outside. Today I had to apologize for him having to bark twice before I let him in. I looked at the cat and asked him why he couldn't let his brother in - after all, he's a very bright cat. Of course he's bright... he gets ME to open the door.

THE BIG EVENT

Once in every decade or two comes an event so spectacular as to defy belief.  Yes, we started cleaning the house. Marshall was especially grateful for us removing all of the clutter that had deposited itself on the dining room chairs. This allowed him to use a chair as a step stool, gaining access to the table itself, whereupon he proceeded to eat the remaining half of a fresh cherry cheesecake. Let this serve as a lesson to each and every one of you: DO NOT CLEAN. EVER.


STARBUCKS

Most of you know Starbucks as a place to get overpriced, over-roasted coffee with a whole lotta smug appeal. Did you know it's also a great place for a sociology lesson?  Someone asked me to meet him there last week, in spite of my begging and pleading to go anywhere else, even Denny's.  While I waited in the parking lot, I observed the following:

• Some genius in an SUV pulls up to the NO PARKING HERE sign and parks (with a half-full parking lot).
• A BMW driver getting into his car with his double espresso half latte nonfat cream. He closes the door then opens it again and proceeds to pour out his old coffee onto the parking lot.
• A sixty-something with dyed black hair and boots so high she couldn't walk in them, attempting to navigate the lot and somehow open the door.
• Two more people spilling old coffee onto the lot.
• Several other people randomly inventing their own parking spaces, again with a half-full lot.

WESTERN UNION - WORSE THAN DENTISTRY

Speaking of paying bills, it became important to pay one bill immediately, as in now; and when I say now, I mean yesterday. I was advised to use Western Union, Moneygram or Wells Fargo. So I went online and did the transaction with Western Union. A day later, I realized that Western Union had not only not bothered to complete the transaction, they hadn't bothered to let me know they didn't complete the transaction.

So I called Western Union. Apparently the transfer was on hold. Apparently notifying me was on hold too. The nice non-English as a first language speaking fellow told me that it could not be completed. So I asked him why and he didn't know. Then he told me I could go into any Western Union office. I informed him that if I wanted to go into an office, I wouldn't have called him in the first place. He suggested I try online. I already tried online, using two operating systems and four browsers. Online help told me that people were having trouble online and to use the phone. Are you following me still?

He promises me a coupon. I don't want a coupon, I want him to put the damn transaction through. It was like the Cheese Shop sketch:

You are Western Union, right?

Yes, sir.

You send money, correct?

Yes, sir.

You have been around since long before I was born?

Yes, sir.

Are you telling me you can send money for everyone but me?

Well... let me check.  Ok, I checked and we can perform the transaction again. All I need is all of your information over again. And we're processing. And it has rejected again.

What has rejected - Western Union or the bank?

Western Union.

So you're telling me that Western Union cannot send money.

I didn't say that.

But you can't send my money.

You can try again but not for twenty four hours when our computers reset.

CLICK.

So I tried Moneygram online.  Oops, they don't have the correct receiver number - have to go to one of their locations. At their location I set up the payment, got my transaction number, went to the counter and POOF - they couldn't take credit cards for wire transfer.

My friend looked at me in wild-eyed wonder.

This morning I decided to go straight to Wells Fargo bank, as the money was being transferred to Wells Fargo anyway.  I called to make sure this was ok and off I went. After giving them cash, they took the opportunity to mention that the payment wouldn't post for up to three days. At this point my eyes were rolling like a slot machine. My ears were buzzing and the voices in my head were telling me to do things that were quite illegal, immoral and generally Not Nice.

The bank's staff were incredibly helpful and set out to find out how to let another division of Wells Fargo know that this division of Wells Fargo got a payment for them.  After another thirty minutes, we all discovered, to our shock and surprise, that it was faster to use Western Union or Moneygram than their own branch.

Since I will pull all of my own body hair out, one by one, before I visit Western Union, I opted for Moneygram. Within three minutes, the money had transferred. Two entire days to pay a bill by wire transfer. My brain hurts and there are still pieces of my cranium on the ceiling at Wells Fargo.

I'd like to close this merry missive with the words of the latest email I received:

Love the Monkees? Don't miss this!!!  

When I opened the email, it was an ad for an Aretha Franklin concert.

To The Nice Folks in Anonymous

You guys (and your compadres) have been in the news a lot lately, with all the hacks.  Fine job.

Remember Gary McKinnon, the British fellow who hacked into the US government's black files?  There was an awful lot of press about this case after he got caught.  The US wanted him extradited and his lawyers wanted him held in the UK, claiming he was autistic/Ausperger's.

McKinnon used all sorts of low-tech methods to get into the network, including screen remote control software.  The most interesting part of the case, in my opinion, was Gary's claim of all the wild and wonderful things he saw while inside.  Since he was using essentially long-distance phone lines, he couldn't afford to download proof (or so he said).

So, Anonymous, perhaps you could take up where McKinnon left off and get us some actual proof of what's being done with our tax money in Black Ops.


Should you choose to accept it, of course.

Certified Ethical Hacking?

The first reaction seems to be `isn't that an oxymoron?'

But no.  Oxymorons are words that don't belong together, like:

• Microsoft Works
• jumbo shrimp
• military intelligence
• congressional ethics

Certified Ethical Hacker is the name of a title that one earns, as well as numerous books and courses.  CEH is where one learns the tricks of the hackers so as to apply them to defense of the network.

In my case, my employer (the Twilight Zone<tm>) paid an awful lot of money send me to this course.  I've been there rather a long time and this is my first real course benefit.  Others would see this as the first time they let me out in ten years or so.

The company doing the teaching allows one to take the course in a number of ways, generally at their place.  Their place is generally a good idea, as trying to learn anything at all at work would be a near-impossible task, similar to dancing across a war zone, naked.

Unfortunately their place has two locations; each one more difficult to reach than the other.  Difficult may not be specific... let's just say that either requires over an hour's drive on a good day (for a twenty minute ride).  I allowed over an hour the first day, figuring that this was the most highly-trafficked route in the area.  Philly has done a tremendous job of ruining interstates, with both the turnpike and I-95 completely jammed by close to six hours of rush hour traffic daily.

Thinking I could outsmart the turnpike was, in review, rather stupid and naive.  Leaving over an hour for my trip did nothing but ensure that my drive would be frought with frustration.  In fact, the parking lot started over two miles from the actual exit.  We crept, ever so slowly, to the toll booth, where I inquired whether this was normal.  The nice lady taking the money said that contractors had closed some lanes so this wasn't normal.

Knowing that this Grand Journey taking over ninety minutes was not normal actually did nothing to make me feel any better.  I did almost hurt my neck due to shaking my head vigorously at the futility of it all.  Take the absolute busiest turnpike exit and close a few lanes here and there during rush hour - yeah, that's sheer genius.

I can't say enough about the staff, largely consisting of one stunningly attractive receptionist who got me in, seated, and situated in no time flat.  And off I went - learning.  To be truthful, it had absolutely nothing to do with the Otis Spunkmeier cookies, but they certainly helped.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I ROCK AND ROLLED

Since it's just you and me, let me share something: it was roughly the early 1980's when I last parked my bottom in a classroom chair.  I never went to college (I couldn't pass the drinking exam) so I'm completely self-taught.

Years later I discovered I had Attention Deficit Disorder, which explained an awful lot.  It has also kept me from going back into the classroom until recently.  I just can't wait until the test for my certificate...

Boy was I pleasantly surprised.... the teacher was quite engaging, the material very interesting, and I somehow managed to keep my attention on the screen (large headphones covering my ears probably helped too).  The teacher was physically in San Antonio so technically I could have taken the course from anywhere.

Armed with that knowledge, I arranged to take the rest of the course from home.  I don't have any serious distractions and keep the room's door closed.  Thus far only the dog has stopped by to say hello.  This is a good way to learn (Marshall agrees).  I could also see this course being horrible if the teacher was boring.  Today's tornado probably didn't help either, although it missed by a few miles.

THE THINGS I CAN DO...

All of that aside, I am learning all sorts of new skills, none of which are particularly pleasant.  But the skills are very useful for network defense.  You would probably be shocked at the number of things hackers can do to your computer, some without even being near your computer.  I knew Windows wasn't exactly a secure operating system but some of this stuff is off the hook.  Another great reason to use linux (as if we needed one). 

Don't use wireless, while I'm pontificating.   WEP can be cracked in five minutes, WPA in about twenty.

We also learned about social engineering, starting with the phrase `there is no patch for human stupidity'.  This is truly the weakest link.  People are so generally helpful (or stupid) that they are your best shot for hacking, short of wide open systems.

I have refused to participate in electronic medical records, knowing what is in store (look at Sony).  This class made it worse.  Even the inevitable I told you so isn't going to make me feel better.

Caveat computor.