That Hair Color Does Not Exist in Nature

Archaeologists discovered that 200,000 years ago, people slept on comfy grass mats. And only got 1mb download speeds, because Comcast was the only provider.


Your love is like  drinking past its date milk


Death Valley made the record for highest temperature on Earth, at 130 degrees (54 grams Canadian). With temps like that, they should give the place some sort of ominous name.


Does this sound familiar?
You barely had the energy to stand up the entire weekend.
Now it's Sunday at 11pm and you're FULL OF ENERGY!




Let's Meander Outside

For the 2nd time in a few weeks, they let me loose again.
All local businesses were on alert.
I didn't think it was fair of Wife to drag me out of bed on my second nap of the day - after all, it was only 2pm.

I'd probably have a better time if the sight of people with masks on didn't piss me off so much. I have to admit that the people with the welder's helmet 'masks' are pretty funny. I learned earlier not to ask them about their torches and hoses.

To spare the restaurants, the wife and the mom picked up some sandwiches. You've got to hand it to the Jews - they did to corned beef what the Irish did to... corned beef. Nothing like a corned beef sandwich. Or a corned beef special, with cole slaw and Russian dressing. Technically, Jews aren't supposed to mix meat with dairy products, so I guess this makes it even more exciting: the Forbidden Sandwich. Don't ask me - it just tastes good.

Wife bought this matzoh ball soup. Judging by the size of those balls, a matzoh must stand about 7' tall. I kid - matzoh is one of the few allegedly edible substances that is indistinguishable in taste from its cardboard container, like Pizza Hut pizza. Actually, the cardboard is a little tastier, plus it has fiber.

She also bought chopped liver. I don't get this substance... after all, who wants anything to do with anything called liver? I ate it every now and then when I was little, when 'chopped liver' was simply a phrase. As I got older, I found out that 'liver' actually meant something and stopped eating it.  Speaking of spending time in the bathroom, I have memories of a meat-like substance I ate when I was very little, called tongue. I remember liking it. Then, one day, I realized tongue was not a descriptor word that meant nothing - I realized I had one. I spent quite a while in the bathroom, then a few years post-traumatic. It was not good time in school health class, when they described the tongue. I'd turn white and run out of the room. It was hysterical for my classmates, whose conversation always turned to tongue whenever I approached. 25 years later, a girlfriend made me a surprise for dinner. Surprise - I didn't like it. She told me it was kidney. That was doubly nauseating because I had 2 kidneys, which were busy taking turns trying to pass stones.

In the Emergency Room, the nice nurse handed me a container and asked if I knew what it was for. I nodded and said, "Wee wee!" It was the worst pain I had in my entire life, but at least the staff was amused. I went to the bathroom and came back with my sample. I'm pretty sure I know what color they were looking for, but it looked like blood. I told the nurse I couldn't remember whether she wanted blood or urine, so I brought them both. I figured this was serious, when the black nurse went pale and rushed off with the sample. Not a drop of pain medicine in the hours I was there. I told them that if I died, my last words would be, "Please don't take me to that hospital."

One of the great things about not having a religion is the only dietary restrictions are the ones I make up. This works out well for the holidays too. National Left Handers Day was last week, so I had the entire week off, being a very important holiday. We also take Christmas off, because everyone else is off work, and that one where the Catholics chase each other around, beating themselves with palms. Sometimes we celebrate that more than once a year.

Mom has some nice potted palms in her apartment, although she isn't Catholic.
And those corned beef sandwiches were delicious, but I never touched the balls, no matter what anybody tells you.

• It's not like the movie was old, but George Kennedy had hair.

Philadelphia has had some horrible shootings lately. Really sickening shootings, where children died. Leaping, seemingly drunk, into action, the Philadelphia City Council ran a gun turn-in. Thus, a bunch of honest gun owners dropped off guns (43 at 1 of 2 locations). And the criminals will continue to shoot people. And the City Council will continue to advance idiotic, impotent schemes. Business as usual in Philadelphia.

In election news, Vladimir Putin has declared himself the winner of the election for Leader for Life. Kim Junk Illin gave him a run for his money, but everybody's favorite was Barack Obama. Obama fans, unable to get him elected as One World Leader, figured they'd do it one country at a time.

Black Lives Matter, but so do your profits  

The Movement has been doing its best to extort local businesses in Louisville, KY.  Amongst other things, businesses must 'donate' a percentage of profits to black causes, and put up a sign supporting reparations. If this doesn't end police violence, nothing will!

Who's Running this Cathouse Anyway?

The Season of Politics is upon us.  We're about to be mowed down by advertising.  The Republican Liar Convention survived the weather and the Democratic Liar Convention survived the president.  Ron Paul got screwed, as one would expect, and no one knows who Gary Johnson is.

In essence, we're screwed.

This is also no surprise.  Since we're all inside this luxurious handbasket on its way downhill, we should at least be amused.

Cue Joe Biden:

No surprise, for the third time.  It's Good Old Joe, sitting at a diner with some bikers.  He is in very close proximity to the lone female biker, as opposed to the two male bikers.  As if this weren't jolly enough, it all happened in Seaman, Ohio.

As if this weren't enough to tickle the old funny bone for the day, I came across his boss, President Obama, having difficulty with an iPhone.  The headline should have read Head iHole Can't Use iPhone.

DEMOCRAT PLANNERS TAKE NOTE:

You know me - I'm a Ron Paul kinda guy.  I wouldn't give you a handful of rocks for a republican or democrat.  But it certainly is amusing to note that perhaps the democratic candidate and his second-in-command should switch place.  I think most reasonably sane people would rather have someone who can handle a biker chick running the country than a guy who can't grok an iPhone.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

My esteemed coworkers and I arrived at work this morning to discover a new parking policy.  I smiled when I read it, knowing that the natives would soon be restless, sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches.  The natives never disappoint.  In short order, I could hear the drums beating and smell the lighter fluid.

Out to lunch with a friend, I explained the whole parking brouhaha, including the pitchforks.  

He looked at me and said, "So there's a new parking policy that states people should not park in places where parking is not allowed."

"Yes," I assured him, "you understand."

He replied, "And people are outraged."

"Exactly."

"Ok," he said, and we went to another topic.

Goofus and Gallant Go to D.C.

Rand Paul returns $500k to treasury from congressional office budget...

Obama asks Congress for another $1.2 billion debt limit raise.

9/11 - The Elephant in the Country

Obligatory Where Were You

I was working, the same place in which I still toil.  A coworker came into our office and said a plane had crashed into one of the towers.  Odd, I thought...

Shortly thereafter, the same fellow came in and said it happened again, this time to the other tower.

I wanted this to be explicable.  I wanted this to make sense.

Back at that time, online video wasn't what it is today.  I looked for some streaming network coverage.

After the towers fell, I was physically ill.  There was simply no precedent for this.

When the planes were ordered grounded, I thought to call my brother, the pilot.  I was overjoyed when he answered immediately.  He was one of the thousands of pilots on the ground with very few options for parking, but perfectly fine.

As I tried to fill up on news, a little voice kept telling me something wasn't right.  It was a tiny voice, which I mostly ignored.  Work dismissed early and I took full advantage, listening to the news on the car ride home.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

----------

• FACT:  There were numerous reports of another plane in the air.
• FACT: The newspapers following the Kennedy assassination had a full biography of Lee Harvey Oswald, as if it were prepared in advance.  Osama bin Laden was named the instigator of 9/11 within minutes of the buildings falling.
• FACT:  Bush claimed Weapons of Mass Destruction, yet there were none.  When questioned, he said, "So what?"
• FACT:  Enlistment in the armed forces went through the roof.
• FACT:  Not one single enlistee was `fighting for our freedoms'.  This doesn't mean they weren't brave or shouldn't be honored.  It is simply disingenuous.
• FACT:  The Pentagon is one of the most highly surveilled buildings and areas in the nation.  The FBI went around impounding all surveillance footage.  Where is it?
• FACT:  Regardless of what you believe hit the Pentagon, the five or so frames of video released certainly don't help anyone to reach a conclusion.
• FACT:  In spite of a national grounding, a Saudi aircraft was allowed to fly.
• FACT:  The `dancing Israelis' with the moving company van were allowed to leave the country after it was discovered they were Mossad.
• FACT:  A twin towers janitor heard and felt large explosions before the plane hit
• FACT:  Larry Silverstein, owner of the towers, gave the order to `pull' Building Seven
• FACT:  Building Seven fell just like the twin towers, yet was never hit by a plane and had no serious fires inside.
• FACT:  The BBC reported Building Seven's collapse twenty minutes before it fell. 
• FACT:  jet fuel does not burn at a temperature sufficient to melt or slice through steel.
• FACT:  There was molten steel for weeks in the place where the towers used to be. 
• FACT:  Traces of the explosive thermite were found all over the place. 
• FACT:  Building Seven was completely ignored by the 9/11 Commission.
• FACT:  Bush would only testify for the 9/11 Commission off-the-record.
• FACT:  Over 1500 architects and engineers dispute the government's account of how the buildings came down.
• FACT:  the 9/11 Commission admits they never got all the facts.
• FACT:  Bush grew the federal government more than any of his predecessors.
• FACT:  Obama outdid Bush in the first few months in office.
• FACT:  Cheney was repeatedly advised on the approach of the Pentagon plane.  When the plane was fifty miles out, the lieutenant asked if the orders still stood.  Cheney barked `Of course the orders still stand, have you heard anything to the contrary!?'
• FACT:  Before and after 9/11, Air Force response to stray planes was rapid.  Why was it nonexistent on that day? 
• FACT:  Bush and Obama used the event to great advantage, starting numerous wars.  Congress sat mute, then did what they were told. 
• FACT:  the Patriot Act was ready suspiciously quickly, signed immediately, and not read by many.
• FACT:  There is a special room in AT&T's San Francisco headquarters where all of the voice and data is mirrored to the NSA.  While this is the only one we know of, rest assured all large carriers have these rooms.
• FACT:  The government has used 9/11 as an excuse to spy on its own people and ramp up a surveillance state.  Those who would trade liberty for security deserve neither.
• FACT:  Flying has been made ridiculously difficult by the TSA (of the DHS), which forces us to not lock luggage, not carry liquid, not carry scissors, take our shoes off, and submit to a form of legalized rape.  
• TSA goes by a No Fly List, which we cannot access or correct when it is wrong, including congresscritters.
• FACT:  The TSA introduced full body scanners, which they claimed were safe (and not privacy-invasive).  They lied on both counts.
• FACT:  The TSA is expanding to trains.
• FACT:  the TSA is denying entry to Canadians with mental health issues.
• FACT:  the CIA is in newsrooms, the NYPD is working with the CIA, the SFPD is working for Apple, and the NYPD now has its own army and navy.
• FACT:  the official story of 9/11 is a conspiracy theory!
• WIDELY HELD OPINION:  We are no more safe today than before 9/11.

Whenever you need to find the genesis of a project, follow the money.

Ask yourself who benefits:

• The government has expanded exponentially, mostly in the Department of Homeland Security and related areas.
• The military/indistrial complex certainly seems to be the recipient of frightening sums of our dollars.

Ask yourself who loses:

• our brave, dead soldiers and families
• our wallets
• our Constitution