Captivity - Day 84 Wanna See My Tire Iron?

Live Sitcom Time occurred today. This is one of those times when things seem so bizarre, you think you must be on tv.

Mrs lefty is in her office. I'm enjoying the cool air on the couch, stretched out, getting ready to start the snoring.

--> LIGHTS <--

BANG

CRASH

WHOOSH BANG

Ok, I'll play.... I opened a singular eye.  The light is blinding and Mrs lefty is sliding stuff off the table onto the floor and into the trash.  BANG

I'm amazed at the timing. It was minutes after I laid down. I looked around for the tv cameras but couldn't find any. No studio audience either.  CRASH

I couldn't let this go, so in my sweetest tone, I asked if I was sleeping too quietly for her.

NO, I killed 3 [BANG]  4 ants!
Everything has to be thrown out and get the ant bait. I'll spray. Call the neighbors... if we have 4, they probably have hundreds. This is the time of year when they come inside.

I'll call the police too, just to let them know.
It's going to be a long night.



Flying AIDS Fallout

I hate to sound like a reviewer or salesman, but medicine is undergoing a paradigm change as a result of the Flying AIDS. Because of the way telehealth worked out, docs and patients are supposedly really happy with it. This will be an important factor when people are 'allowed' to go to work and the doctor's office. Doc may not be that interested in seeing you in-person. It's causing problems now because most docs and staff aren't in their office, so they can't get to everything or communicate immediately with their staff and coworkers.

Consider that your 'appointment' can be over the phone or video, using your phone or other device. Are you comfortable with either of these? Do you have a space that you can be alone and not be overheard? Do you want Doc to see what's on your walls or your naked spouse running around the room? Does telemedicine sound good to you?



Americans are a bright, creative group, who can weather any storm. To that effect, strip clubs are offering 'coronavirus-free lap dances', drive-thru pole dances, and food delivery.  A lap dance with a mask-wearing stripper, performed 6' away sounds less than optimal, but who am I to judge? It just proves we have great imaginations too.

(Reuters) - Sexual activity among young American men has declined sharply since 2000, with nearly a third reporting no sex with a partner in the prior year, according to a survey study published on Friday that suggests social media and electronic gaming might be filling the void.  Any male who would refuse sex for social media or games should be examined: blood work, intrusive psychotherapy, testosterone levels, penis check, and STD testing to make sure the worms haven't bored into his brain and eaten it slowly. The only thing that would cause this in men over 20 would be marriage.



Social media 'influencers', as a term, ar just silly
With that in mind, I just read that the influencers are wearing blackface, in solidarity with Black Lives Matter.  I remember way back in the dark past (of last week), Jimmy Fallon was on his knees, apologizing for being in blackface over 10 years ago.  There appears to be some uncertainty about whether blackface is ok or not. After we figure this out, we can ignore the social media influencers and force them to get real jobs.



Told You So
The other day I said that you can't have a discussion because you're not allowed to talk about certain things. Stealing my thunder, days later, is NY Mag's Intelligencer, where Andrew Sullivan asks "Is there still room for debate?" He's right. Of course I was right first.



Can you explain to me how one of the largest corporations on earth can put out an email program that won't open to the same size every time? Sometimes it comes up like I set it. Sometimes fullscreen or halfscreen. (rhymes with Mouthbook365)

And that same humongous entity can put out a huge chat program that can't remember your audio/video settings and cannot be made smaller than 1/4 of your entire screen, like its predecessor? (rhymes with Beams)

We know how I feel about Microsoft, but this annoys normal people too.



China media says the US is having a 'cultural revolution'.
Offers to lend Trump a tank for Al Sharpton to stand in front of.



Listen up, Christians
Christianity Today calls for churches to pay reparations to black people: "Repentance is not enough."

A spokesman for Black Lives Matter said that they were recruiting heavily due to multiple upcoming church protests.

Fearing peaceful protest, churches are upgrading their fire detectors.

My Service Elephant has Coronavirus

Thirdhand smoke wafting off moviegoers hurts air quality in theaters

Thirdhand smoke? Is that the smoke by the candy stand?

When was the last time you saw someone smoke at the movies?

UPDATE: Are you ready? Thirdhand smoke is the residue of smoke left on coats and clothes. Think of the benefits... you can smoke without smoking! Just go to a theater and inhale. You'll still get cancer, but at least you didn't have to light anything.

• You can now jailbreak an iPhone with an Android phone
• No, I did not write that headline.

Linspire 8.7 Is Trying to Persuade More Windows Users to Use Linux

I'd recommend Xubuntu, but take a look.

• Harvey Weinstein moved to jail after heart surgery
• Yeah, sure. Convenient walker, convenient heart surgery. Upcoming: convenient AIDS. His entire body is failing before prison - this is unprecedented. And shocking! He's trying to escape, one piece at a time.

SJW Speakings

Described as a horror drama, Antebellum tells the story of a 'modern-day social activist who finds herself traveling back in time to the 1800s.' It's Blog Gold here at ThermionicEmissions.

• The citizens immediately institutionalize her because she has green hair.
• They burn her at the stake, because she has a bone through her nose.
• She gets wooden teeth! Every time she says something about women running things, people hit her in the mouth with a 2x4.
• Her sex life is exactly like it was in 2020: even her fellow inmates think she's too crazy to have sex with.
• frequently accused of being a weird man
• her fellow inmates at the Happy Place<tm> keep asking who Hillary is and why women should vote for her. Also, what is vote?
• Insists that women are just as crazy as men, so why aren't there more women in the Loony Bin?
• Never makes it back to 2020 because she was killed after trying to explain that men can have periods too.

We went out for dinner just for fun. Usually this involves people dying (and we hoped it wasn't us). As we walked in, there were ladies handing out roses for Women's Day.
Women's Day?
I couldn't hear the explanation because of the blood boiling in my ears. She refused to give me a rose. I told her I identify as a woman, and can get pregnant like a woman, and even menna... minister... mennistrate..... but she did not recognize me as a woman. Next weekend we're picketing the place. I'm bringing in the Ladies Guild: at the front of the march will be 20 very large women with facial hair and signs, demanding gender equality. And free food.

• Alanis Morissette's debut - Jagged Little Pill, is 25 years old.
• And still sounds like a cat having an operation without anesthetic

Ya know Virgin Media? A data breach exposed 900,000 customers' info.

In other words, a breach made them Virgin no more.

• Microsoft, Faceyspaces, Amazon workers told to stay home because of coronavirus
• And because nobody likes them 

Special Coronavirus Coverage

The coronavirus has spread to Venice, California.
Governor Newsom is passing a law against it.

Speaking of coronavirus, we have it locally now. 

Why?

Because some idiot who has it attended a function. 5 schools are closed.

They need to jail this person, but I have it on good authority that you can't arrest someone for excessive stupidity.

Some local groups have canceled weekly meetings, claiming there are cases closeby.

People are going insane in stores, like they do here when 1/4" of snow is forecast: they buy all the bread and milk. Now they're buying masks and flu medicines. And condoms, because you gotta do something while you're stuck inside.


There has never been a better time to have some strange neuroses, especially with coronavirus running rampant, like Congress running to vote itself a pay raise.

• Agoraphobes are now being celebrated - they don't leave the house!
• Germphobes take all sorts of precautions and never shake hands.
• Obsessive Compulsive hand-washers are now being recognized as The Neurosis to Have, according to Time Magazine.
• The paranoid wear masks so no one knows who they are. Now they blend right in. Plus facial recognition doesn't work with masks.
• The depressed don't feel like getting out of bed anyway.
• The bipolars are running to the store to buy everything, but.. they're... probably.. gonna... stay...in...bed... for.... a...while.
• The schizophrenics don't go out because they're having a perfectly nice conversation. With the front door.

Today I identify as   a 5 day Postal Service delivery box that costs $24.99 to mail across town.

• I asked Wife why coronavirus doesn't attack the eyes.
• She said nothing.
• I asked again.
• She said nothing again.
• I think she's onto me.

Most people are in PANIC mode, not helped at all by the 24 hour TV/Radio/News/social media barrage. It's quite frankly not fair. Nobody talks about the Good that the virus will bring

• you will finally be able to get a seat at that restaurant (although you'll probably be ignored for 30 minutes when you first enter)
• there will be no traffic at all, when you paint CORONAVIRUS on your car
• while police and fire get right of way, World Health Organization will always get in first
• there will be a coronavirus baby boom, but the kids won't know what that means
• there will be a divorce boom, after husband and wife are forced to be in the same house for a few weeks

• I just discovered I'm dyslexic. Mrs lefty asked me how it took so many years to figure this out.
• Because I see the year 2020 and read it as 1970.

In the time I have had my last 2 phones, my dear wife has had only one. The screen is cracked (in letters that spell her name). The case resembles a pair of jeans that just gave up and keeps ripping itself, hoping its owner will finally develop sense and throw it out. I think it has encephalitis: it randomly changes account pictures and phone numbers, so you never know who you're dialing. This week, I'm Dr lefty Giancanna, with a picture of her sister's dog. Nobody in or out of the phone industry has ever seen this before. It's not a virus.

Normally this would not bother me at all.
But this is my house we're talking about. The phone rings only when I need to be undisturbed. Mrs lefty sets an alarm when she takes a nap. I know this because the alarm goes off 6 times because the phone was left near me, not taken to the bedroom. She has alarms set to remind her there are alarms set.

The worst, and I mean worst, thing about the phone is that it randomly changes ringtone. I made her a bunch of ringtones from her favorite songs, guaranteeing we'll never hear any of them. The current tone sounds like... stay with me for a moment... take a set of stairs, with about 20 steps. Line up a marching band, complete with instruments, 2 per step. Push the top person down, starting a domino effect, taking the rest of them down, one step at a time. If anyone doesn't fall over, the second set of marchers will go down, so we'll have several lines of marching band, falling down the steps, playing their instruments.

And that's what the ringtone sounds like.

• Before we invented civilization, the White House area was nothing but swampland. Since we upgraded civilization, the White House is a beautiful building, occupied by mud, mosquitos, and lethal parasites.

We got one of those horrible noise alerts coming from our phones the other day. We hoped it was a test of the Emergency Broadcast System, because those are cool. It turned out to be a serious weather warning: EXTREME SUN FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS. REPEAT - EXTREME SUN FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS. Keep small children inside and use plenty of sunscreen, especially if you're walking to your car.

Fortunately we had a Family Plan, so after we got done yelling PANIC PANIC, we consulted the family plan. We just got done spending two days in the basement, where it was cold and dark, like every other day. That was a close one.

Be Careful Not to Catch Kubernetes

One of the signs of the end of 'civilization' has arrived: there is an attack for android that uses the accelerometer to 'listen' and transmit the results to an attacker.

Microsoft, Google, and Apple clouds are banned in Germany's schools. They do not satisfy Germany's privacy standards.  Pay close attention to the section on Windows 10 telemetry.  There is also a city government in Germany that jettisoned Windows for linux.

Here's 100 linux command line commands explained, for your linux pleasure. No, linux does not have to be run from the command line - it can look just like Windows or anything else.


You're probably bored with your drone and need a little more excitement. Boy, are you in luck: Throwflame has a drone, complete with flamethrower. 

How about those new USB-C cables? Did you know there are 6 different kinds, that all look the same? My brain hurts.

2300 National Health Service (UK) computers are running Win XP.
I told you socialized medicine is no good.




Say thanks.
Some of the most underappreciated people are those who work at the counter or behind the scenes. People who may know you when you come in to use their services. Some are even downright friendly.

Next time you go to one of these places (vet, doctor's office, etc), bring something along, if you appreciate their service. Nobody else does, and the reaction is open-mouthed surprise. Thank the person who gave you a later appointment when you overslept, or who got something done for you faster than usual. Bring a donut or a dozen. Coffee. Candy. It costs little and means a lot.



Dear lefty

• What is phishing?
• When people who can't spell stick their thing in the water to catch stuff

NATO mistakenly published the location of 150 US nuclear warheads in Europe. Pure genius. Also, the US is reportedly spending up to $10 billion to modernize this arsenal.

1. can I have a few of the old ones?
2. I TOLD YOU about the dangers of Big Government and the Military Industrial Complex. Endless war. Your money is paying for this. Imagine how much more of your own money you'd have if the military were for a strong defense only... you could more than afford ridiculously expensive health insurance.
3. President Eisenhower said this about the Military Industrial Complex

Irony Runs Thick

Bernie Sanders' campaign workers are demanding a $15/hr "living wage" and 100% free healthcare for those earning under $60k.  The campaign has thus far resisted.

UPDATE: unable to take the battering of the Irony Squad, workers were granted $15/hr. And had their hours cut.

• I'm telling you, pick up some YooHoo in juice boxes and put it in the fridge. Your taste buds will thank you.

Coworker Follies

ME: asks can you please see if you can find this for me? I can't find it.
HIM: when is the meeting?
ME: what meeting
HIM: the meeting with Bob's Incorporated
ME: I'm not aware of any meeting
HIM: the one with Bob's
ME: I'm still not aware of any meeting
HIM: you sent me an email, asking me about the meeting
ME: no, I sent you an email, asking you to FIND this in the Bob Box. If it makes you happy, you can meet with Bob's.
HIM: No thank you. I'm confused.
ME: I concur.

There is such a basic level of miscommunication, it sounds like we're married.

• Don't let them hoodwink you and charge you extra: guacamole is frog in a blender.

A woman claims Taco Bell served her a 'doorknob' in her nachos.
The joke's on her - it was the healthiest part of the meal.

• Remember the Mosquito? The device that emits high frequencies that only 20 somethings can hear, but not 30s. It's to repel people, like in riots. Well, it's being used in public parks in Philthydelphia. The city that wants your guns, taxes your sugary beverages, and is proud to be a sanctuary city.
• The city is using a riot tool to keep people out of city parks after dark.

There's some sort of problem with the way humans hear and (hopefully) comprehend. It comes in 2 forms: phone and email. The words in capitals are the words the person hears....

PHONE
Hi - I want to kill your daughters HI BOB - HOW ARE YA?

for some reason, people don't hear the first words you say.


EMAIL
1. DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE REPORTS ARE?
2. Would you like a raise?

you will get an answer to 1 but not a word about 2. This applies to anything you ask for with 2 topics or more.



We always like to think our children are gorgeous and bright. I know mine is gorgeous, but the jury is out on bright. Last night, she somehow managed to get a rear paw nail caught around her ear. Same this morning. We thought maybe she was special.

During her final chemo appointment, they put a bandage around her leg. She was trying to get it off.

Maybe if I hide, no one will see me...

The results are in, and Penny is CANCER FREE!
The vets are happy for us and for themselves, because they want her back every 3 months for Very Expensive Tests.




Florida man arrested for "being awesome" after throwing his son into the ocean to 'teach him to swim'.  The police did not think I was awesome for throwing the neighbor into the ocean.



SJW Antics

The Apollo program was designed by men, for men. If we do not acknowledge the gender bias of the early space program, it becomes difficult to move past it
[New York Times]

The People's Republic of Berkeley, CA, is removing all gendered language from city code. No more He and She - now it's They. Including rest rooms.

Instagram is hiding 'likes' in Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, Italy, Japan, and Brazil, in the hope it will make people feel less judged.

Every woman has a right to have her scrotum waxed  [twitter]

Ivanka Trump mocked for giving 'all white' dog to her daughter.  [Newsweek]

Children of color make up more than half the student population—but only 20% of public school teachers are people of color. Our plan will devote $500 million per year to create-world class teacher academies at MSIs and HBCUs, so more students can have teachers who look like them.  [Beto O'Rourke]

Blog? You Call This Thing A Blog?

Best Headline:

1 person sent to hospital after drinking internet personality's bath water.

No really... there's at least one young female making a bundle selling her (used) bath water. Is this one of those apocalypse horsies I always hear about?


Speaking of selling your bath water, the latest trend is going to a store and licking something from a package, like ice cream, then putting it back. Of course you video yourself and post it on the net.

Remember Ariana Grande? She went into a donut shop, picked up a donut and licked it, then put it back, stating that she hated white people. For once, she was ahead of the curve.

One person caught doing this faces up to 20 years in prison. I wonder if the trial will be livestreamed on Faceyspaces and become a trend....

The police apprehended one of these people and arrested him for tampering. The fellow showed them store video of him purchasing the item after the stunt, but he got arrested anyway.


UPDATE: The girl selling bathwater (or one of her friends) is also selling urine, as Gamer Girl Pee.

I don't do sociology, but I want to know that sociologists are saying about this.




Dear lefty:

• Why is my display so dirty?
• Too much one-handed typing.

NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory was hacked for nearly a year without being detected. It was discovered in April 2018 and NASA temporarily disconnected several space flight related systems from the JPL network.  

In other news, the Mars Rover, NASA's coffee machines, and several lunar simulators belonging to JPL have all stopped working....


Do you have a MAC and use the videoconferencing service ZOOM?
Don't.
A security researcher discovered a flaw that allows to turn on your webcam without your knowledge or consent. The second flaw is that it installs a web server on your computer which stays there, even if you delete the software. This means things can be downloaded to your computer without your knowledge or permission. The company patched the first item but chose to leave the server, for 'user experience'.  

Don't use Zoom


Researchers discovered over 1,300 android apps collected data when you denied permission.


The US Coast Guard issued a safety alert following a cyber attack:

1. Do not use your computers under water
2. Use protection, personally and on your computer (they didn't).
3. There is a 90% probability your bunkmate does not want to play Hide the Salami.

• Microsoft partners told they're no longer getting free software to run their businesses.
• Partners should look into a free OS that is free of licensing and free of MS. We might know of one.....

Things We Can Do Without

1. Wasabi ice cream
2. the Duck Decoy Museum
3. bagpipes

UK News

In an interview, Boris Johnson said he couldn't wait to get his message out. The interviewer suggested perhaps showing up at debates might help. Boris terminated the interview, but allowed that he might send his lawnmower to the debates next time.

The British Labour Party continues to deal with antisemitism allegations. A party member resigned because he couldn't deal with the level of antisemitism. Labour said they regret his resignation and wish the goddamn Christ-Killing Jew the best.

In yet another move for world diplomacy, President Trump referred to the UK ambassador as 'wacky,' and a 'very stupid guy', after the ambassador referred to him as 'the kind of person who is tall and has good teeth', in a leaked paper.

Not satisfied, Trump then scolded Teresa May for not taking his advice on Brexit, then failing totally. Comments were immediate, saying that Brexit was none of Trump's business. The comments came during the protest against Trump's border policies.



UPDATE: the British Ambassador resigned.

Although my diplomacy skills are rough (largely nonexistent), I'm wondering about this affair. The way I see it, if the Prime Minister asked for a report, advice, or observation, the fellow was in the right in giving it. The leaker was a cheeky little bugger who needs a lesson. Was the ambassador correct in making the assessment? If so, leave him alone. If he was wrong, he should resign. So far, this is only a show (politics as usual). The issue here seems to be that he got caught. Will the ability to avoid this be the single criterion for his replacement?

Would the US do the same thing?

Please correct me if I'm off here or this is not how diplomacy works.

Note: I'm just asking about the process. I am not commenting on the note, the accuracy of the note, or Trump.

• RIP Rip:  Elmore Raul Torn, Jr, aka Rip Torn (88).
• Charles Elmer Taylor, aka Rip Taylor, is still throwing confetti.

Mrs lefty came home from shopping (never a good omen) and showed me her bounty. She tells me she saved me $100 on these shoes. Suspending disbelief, I asked her how. Well, these shoes were on sale, as were these... $100 off the bill!

That's nice, Dear. By the way, I just saved you $1,000.
HUH?
Well the left handed guitar shop has a Custom Shop 1958 Strat. If I ordered it new, it would be $4,000. Since it's used, it's only $3,000. I saved you $1,000!

Turns out savings doesn't work both ways.

• I love recruiters. Just received info on a job 5 hours away. I politely declined, stating the 10 hour commute would be too much.
• What is wrong with these people?

SJW Stuff

Salon magazine: exposed: The Declaration of Independence is sexist, racist, and prejudiced.


Bette Midler tweeted that it's 115 degrees in France and Trump is only interested in putting tanks on the mall for a salute to himself. 36k likes. I'm a fan of hers.

Twitter: where you find your favorite stars' personal opinions lack any sort of discernible logic.

Perhaps she wants the president to load up an aircraft carrier with window air conditioners for the people of France. Or send emergency ice. Will she carry air conditioners and do a USO show for the troops? She can sing her hit, "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy Who Voted for Hillary."



Remember Antifa - the anti fascists?
Remember they committed acts of violence against people who didn't agree with them in Portland? With masks on?
Remember how they and their friends honestly believe they can assault people because they deserve it (for showing up and disagreeing nonviolently)?
Remember how the police did nothing, under orders of the mayor?

One day, Antifa is going to protest in the wrong neighborhood, say somewhere in Texas. There will be some dirty diapers that day. Open carry is a religion in Texas.

I really don't want to see this. No one should get assaulted, milkshaked, or shot at a public protest. No matter how much you want to see someone get some instant karma. As they say online, Shit's Getting Real.

How do you convince a misguided group of people that it is not a human right to hit people with crowbars if you think they're Nazis? They're going to get way more than they anticipate.

It's almost like Divide and Conquer.

Oh.

Does A Brexiteer Wear Mouse Ears?

Florida News

A daycare worker was caught on camera throwing toddlers.
This is now a problem?

Florida man detains burglar by holding his iPhone like a gun until police arrived.
Thieves, like politicians, always send their best and brightest...



India plans to launch a lunar mission in July.
Yes, they're going to be the first fourth nation on the moon!
They're looking for water and other goodies, like all lunar visitors. And, according to Apu Nehasapetapetaloma, to open the moon's first Kwickie Mart.


CERN, the Large Hadron Collision people, just had their academic credentials from Microsoft revoked, causing a tenfold increase in license fees. As a result, CERN has a new effort called MAlt - Microsoft Alternatives. They're looking for open source software.

Let's see.... open source...  hmmmmm.... get rid of Windows and other MS software... hmmm.... I wonder what could possibly work for them....

In completely unrelated news, I upgraded to the latest version of Xubuntu linux (19.04) the other day and things are running better and faster.



Dear lefty:

• If Boris Johnson wins the election, will his 'hairstyle' become popular in the UK?
• No, but his teeth will.
• in North Korea, Kim ding Dong's hairstyle is all the rage (among people who wish to remain alive).

Ever since Obama, there have been charges of America sending billions of dollars to Iraq. Trump mentioned it too. I have a memory of the money being a return of money frozen by a previous administration. Anyone have a reading on this?

Speaking of Iraq, the warhawks are beating the drums again. We just sent a Rather Large Ship to that neighborhood. Whatever happened, we need to remain out of it. History shows the Powers That Be cause a False Flag event as a pretext to war (Weapons of Mass Destruction, 9-11).

• Toronto won its first basketball championship. No one knows how. It's the Jamaican Bobsled Team all over again. It wasn't easy -  they had to build stadiums and import black people.

According to the BBC, the countries using the Euro have agreed to have a common budget. What? Now explain how the conspiracy theorists are nuts because they refer to the coming New (one) World Order.

Shopping Time

My luck has been good lately, which was probably just setting me up for yesterday. Mrs. lefty had lots of shopping to do....

WALMART
Her: Could you tell me where the milk is? I can't find any.
Them: I'm sorry, we don't have any.
Her: Milk?
Them: Milk.

How could the largest vendor in the country not have milk?
It's like Monty Python's Cheese Shop sketch....

Well, we don't carry milk here.
You don't carry milk? It's the single most popular shopping item in the world.
Not much call for it around here, Sir.

Her: How about yogurt?
Them: We have this yummy probiotic stuff.
Her: It tastes like particularly bad dog excrement. What else?
Them: Oh, nothing.
Her: You have a huge food department.
Them: Yes we do. Largest in the area.
Her: and all I'm asking for is normal yogurt.
Them: I'm sorry, we don't carry normal foods.

Her: Dare I ask about potato bread? It takes much longer to turn blue and fuzzy than white bread.
Them: Since you asked, we will no longer carry it.

Her: Snapple's on sale.
Them: Yes, but we don't have the flavor you want.


LOWES
Her: I just spent a long time trying to find a 3/8" ratchet.
Them: that's because we don't carry them separately. You have to purchase the complete kit.
Her: But I already have doubles of all the sockets.
Them: Now you'll have triples!
Her: You bought the name Craftsman from Sears, which stocked everything. Why don't you?
Them: Because we don't have to. Now STFU and go buy the complete kit.


This is why Mrs. lefty doesn't allow me to shop.

Decorating?

Didja ever walk into a house and marvel at the decor or style?

My parents' place is antiseptic, yet warm. Mom got it from her mom, who scrubbed the bathroom tile with a toothbrush.

The rest of the family has it all together, with different styles and lots of space.

Then there's our house.

There is no style. There is no decor. There's barely any space. At least the walls are painted. Our method is buy something and stick it Over There. Or put the groceries on the floor.  Nice poster, let's thumbtack it to the wall. Has anyone seen the dog?

We are two decor-impaired people. And one who is directionally-impaired.

But let me say something positive: The show Hoarders rejected our application because we have clear paths and the piles of stuff don't come past our knees.

We sit there and look around, trying to imagine how one would 'design' a room. The closest I've gotten is a fake lisp and imitation of one of those home design 'experts' from tv. Don't let the LGBTQrstuv lobby tell you they have no representation on tv: straights have no representation on home improvement shows. If any straight guys happen to wander onto screen, they look gay.

Let's say we like southwest decor. The closest we'd get is painting one wall salmon and another wall turquoise. Maybe putting out a token figurine skeleton that says, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". Viola - Instant Decor.  

We are horrible examples. It's sad. Maybe we can start a GoFundMe to get us some decorating lessons. Let's face it - even with lessons, we'd find a way to make it ugly. I was thinking about having a person with decorating skills move in, but Mrs lefty says no. I'm sure it had nothing to do with her being stunningly attractive. The bonus would be someone to babysit me when Mrs lefty visits family out of town. But noooooo......

So until we somehow acquire skills, the house will remain Decor by Tornado.

The president recently celebrated a birthday.
In case you're curious what he got from other countries....


Kim ding Dong, Supreme Haircut, North Korea, sent a hand-delivered note.

Teresa May (RIP) sent the Trump Balloon
Boris Johnson said he couldn't make it.
The Queen said, "We ARE amused."

Mohammed Somethingorother, Lord High Poobah, Iran, issued a press release stating the door was closed for birthday wishes and he had a much better hat than MAGA.

Vladimir Putin, King for Life, Russia, said that Trump's birthday was adequate, but Soviets have much better birthdays and he could kick Trump's ass in any sport.

China, asked for comment, said, "Who Tlump?"
"China has the advantage on America because Chinese food is really McDonalds and Burger King. Suggest Tlump stuff egg rolls..."

Australia sent a card that said "Good on ya, Don," but the postal kangaroo died and the card never made it.

Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Acceptance, Canada, sent an autographed picture of himself in his newest minidress. Melania was horrified. Donald hung the picture in the Oval Office, proclaiming Justin the best Canadian ever, after the other 40 million. The other 40 million spat in a hat then refused to send it because Americans have guns.


It's a sad day when North Korea sends the best gift.

My Antidepressant Just Shot Itself

In an event no one saw coming, FamilyTreeDNA confirmed that it has granted the FBI access to its vast trove of nearly 2 million genetic profiles.

Oh lefty, you're so paranoid. You believe every conspiracy theory.
Meanwhile the FBI is putting together a DNA database of everyone, pulling from arrests, before determination of guilt or innocence. That's unconstitutional.

• Are there still Four Tops?

Hey, kids, it's Nostalgia Time!
Today we're asking Whatever Happened To....

Whatever happened to Flight MH370? Is it making an heroic effort to remain lost?
Whatever happened in Las Vegas at the hotel shooting? We know the crime and shooter by the end of the night in every shooting. Not Las Vegas.
Whatever happened to the sans serif font I always use for the blog?

Dear lefty:

• Why do they make that noise whenever someone says Microsoft in a commercial?
• Microsoft wants you to think you're getting something valuable, as opposed to their operating system.

How about some inspirational news?
A nurse saw a trooper by the side of the road and stopped. He was shot in the face. She helped stop the bleeding and sat with him until EMS arrived.

• If I hear one more mentally-challenged person say whaaaaaaaat? in a commercial, I won't be responsible for my actions.

Multiple Personality Files
You know things are getting interesting when your spouse is driving along merrily and you come to a tunnel. All of the sudden you hear, "ohhhhh..... ohhhhhh.... no.... tunnels!!!!" and you're sitting in the passenger seat. It is at this point you separate the men from the boys. The boys will hide under the seat and await death. The men will hide under the seat, await death, and have everyone singing a Led Zeppelin song, pulling the driver's mind off the tunnel. The story had a happy ending: everyone lived.

Truly must-see TV

• In case you haven't seen it yet, you can watch The IT Crowd on Netflix. I highly recommend it. The official YouTube Channel. 5 reasons to watch it now and TV.com.
• While you're at it, check out Black Books. Watch it on Sidereel Hulu and Amazon Prime. Here's the episode guide. It's dryer than Python or IT Crowd and very funny.

Dear lefty:

• Why is breathing controlled by the autonomous nerve system?
• Because if you had to remember to breathe, you'd be dead.

Continuing with topics of minor interest and import, let's tackle The Wall<tm>.

I'm thinking out loud... never spent much time on it before.

FACTS:

1. It's going to be expensive. Ridiculously expensive. And it's not coming from DC's pockets.
2. All the money isn't there. Does this mean all The Wall<tm> isn't there?
3. They are illegal aliens - not undocumented immigrants. That is language manipulation to achieve an end.

QUESTIONS:

1. How effective is a wall, vs almost nothing?
2. Would the expenditure be worth it?
3. Who benefits?
4. Is there a different way of going about it?
5. Can we use some of our advanced tech to deter/catch illegal aliens? Heat-seeking lasers?
6. What would happen if we made the US unattractive for illegals? No insurance, no income, no benefits. It's attractive now for those reasons, as well as businesses hiring illegals for less than minimum wage. While we're at it, seriously punish the businesses.
7. I understand that if The Wall<tm> is to be built, people will lose their houses and land under Eminent Domain. This is where you have no choice but to move, while you are allegedly paid going rate for your home/land. Sorry, this one isn't passing the lefty test. I know someone who lost their house because a HIGHWAY was being extended. There is no excuse for this.

Remember: they are your representatives, not your leaders.

Hail the Passing of IE 10

That's right, folks, you heard right... Microsoft will be saying sayonara to Internet Explorer 10 next year, requiring you to go to IE 11. Since I don't use the software in question, I question whether these aren't old versions anyway. Meanwhile, most computer users ditched IE years ago for something less crappy, with fewer holes than Swiss cheese.

• Last week, Boeing's Autonomous Passenger Air Vehicle completed its first flight. Picture the passenger compartment of a plane on top of some helicopter rotors. It's electric and takes off and lands vertically. It will make road rage considerably more interesting.

This is the start of a good article on network tools for your android phone. You'll have to register to read more of it. There are some great apps available and you don't need to know much to operate them. Check your network to make sure it's humming along (or the kid next door is downloading a lot of things, on your wireless, that will have the FBI visiting your house).  Also remember: Remote Desktop or VNC for connecting your phone to your computer has absolutely no security. Yes, you can connect, but so can everyone else. Or they can eavesdrop on what you're doing.

Dear lefty:

• Winston Weinstein, from Walla Walla, Wisconsin, asks what my middle name is.
• Sarcasm.

Things are gonna be different when I'm president, believe me.

Yes, it's lefty for president - running with scissors for YOU.

• Today's Mission for you: go through the entire day saying, "No, that won't do," as your only phrase.

In recent times, fashion fascinations have run to things in ears you can put a nickel through, overextension of mascara toward the ears, lip implants, and now, eyebrows.  We on the bleeding edge of fashion, celebrate what's next: nostrils. Yes, nostrils. Surgery to make them larger, coloring and braiding nose hair, and cocaine to make one large nostril from two. After a self-administered coke treatment, be sure to drive.

• Breaking News: a man reportedly on amphetamines was arrested after his wife was found dead in their house. It turns out he wasn't on amphetamines - he was just really happy.

Been to Walgreens lately?

Coming to a store near you, a 'smart cooler' that uses facial recognition to determine your age and gender, then show you relevant ads. Contact Walgreens and tell them how you feel. It's bad enough we're tracked online, but let's stop the in-person tracking right now.

• A 19 year old Arkansas man was sentenced to 5 years' probation for trying to steal a commercial plane so he could fly to Chicago for a rap concert.
• He was arrested after bolting from the plane, screaming, "How do you put this damn thing in Drive?"
• Good thing he got caught - the stolen plane lot at the concert was full.

We are at war with Russia.
Well, not America... just me.
Not actually me, but my email.
Make sense?

I found some interesting software, but needed one little piece of information to see if I could use it. I wrote to Helpdesk, never expecting Vietnamese or Indian techs, and was not disappointed. I got a Russian gentleman instead, and asked for the little piece of information. He replied that black bread was scarce; not entirely where I was going with the question. Sorry about the black bread, I tried to break the question down into how the software worked. He responded with a detailed set of instructions for installing and using the software.

I briefly thought of putting my question into an English to Russian translator, but I try not to be an asshole (at this time of day). I tried again, using single syllable words and pictures. I have little hope of getting my little piece of information, as it's a fairly technical question. At this point, it's just a challenging exercise. Or maybe this is an attempt to dissuade anyone from emailing Helpdesk. This could be a deliberate action to sway the next election....

I'm still sorry about the black bread and toilet paper, bro.

• Japan's biggest maker of diapers said its sales of adult diapers had surpassed those for babies in 2011.
• Take that - ya big baby.

Dear lefty:

• What is your secret for success?
• I have no secret. I have no success.

Today's Text Bit comes from a question about social functions held on British Tornado jets:

The Tornado is a two-seat combat aircraft and therefore unsuitable for social functions such as cocktail parties or gala dinners.

What are your 10 favorite movies?
This will be a tough one - I have to think....

1. Monty Python - Life of Brian
2. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
3. Bedazzled (Peter Cook and Dudley Moore)
4. Airplane
5. Blazing Saddles  (Mel Brooks)
6. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
7. The Song Remains the Same (Led Zeppelin)
8. Mother, Jugs, and Speed (Raquel Welch, Bill Cosby)
9. Woodstock
10. A Fish Called Wanda

• Work keeps threatening everyone with downgrading to Windows 10. No matter how hard I try, I can't get HR to declare this a Hostile Work Environment.

Peter Jackson (Madea, Throw Madea from the Train) has signed on to make a new Beatles film out of unseen 'Let It Be' footage.

Footage includes:

• Ringo insisting the crew not film his nose
• 7 separate instances of people trying to push Yoko off the roof
• John and his guest Jimi Hendrix arguing over who wore the women's floral shirt best
• Crew requesting Yoko play "Catch the Toaster" in the building's pool
• Paul's return after recently being dead
• the wives and girlfriends cuddling together to conserve heat, and touching each others' boobs
• Brian Epstein relentlessly hitting on Yoko because he thought she was a man
• George asking Jimi if having a big one makes him a better guitar player
• George Martin, in a candid moment, saying he was sick of these guys and Ringo was the only one with any talent
• the band's reaction to the doctor telling them John gave them all herpes
• repeated pleas for Yoko to stop touching her penis on camera

I'm So Happy to See You, I Could Leave

Know what I hate?
Most everything.

But there's some really low rings at the place with the fire and the guy dressed in red, that belong to Microsoft.

Recently I lost my Windows virtual machine... the only copy of Windows I run, and only for emergencies. As I'm rebuilding from backups, Microsoft decided to send me 7 updates. Updates which I expressly said DO NOT DOWNLOAD. Bill Gates will roast. Win 10 does this too, whether you want it to or not. Linux respects your choice. I have no idea about Apple.

• The mayor of Port Richey, Florida, is in jail for shooting at SWAT, which was there to serve a warrant for unlicensed medicine.
• What do they put in the air in Florida?

Dear lefty:

• Marvin Mangler, of Minnetonka, Mongolia, asks if I really like my readers.
• Dear Maude: I wouldn't French kiss them, but I'll respect them in the morning.

It was 4 degrees the other weekend. It was 50 yesterday. Later this week, the Polar Vortex arrives, and we'll see highs of 5. That's -47 with the Freeze Index.  What record-setting sadist came up with this? Four degrees... your facial hair freezes (even women).  But that's not horrible enough... no, we need a Freeze Index or a Heat Index or a Pineapple index (for when it would be less painful to stick a pineapple....). People near me can tell I'm awake when they hear me say, "I hate it here."

There's no such thing as Polar Vortex.... they make up all sorts of meteorological mess terms with no meanings, other than "It's Gonna Be COOOOOLD out there today." Or Canada. Sneaky Canada. Really Nice People Canada. They smile at us because we don't know they're sending cold air. Once this gets to the public, it'll be War on Canada.

• Every now and then I set the tv to Discovery Science in Hindi, just to see if I'm awake. I had to stop because the dog would wake me at 3am to tell me to take her to the Happy Place. She's not used to Hindi. Nor am I.

I think I know how Dog the Bounty Hunter did its casting.... by carefully deploying the Mr Potato Head Method: randomly putting odd parts together, no matter how odd, to make a cast member. Let's put a shaved head here, maybe some watermelons under a shirt, bleached hair, and one short person with shiny objects and glitter.

• In a recent study, hard drives suck less than they did a couple years ago. That's nice.  139 of 10,000 high performance drives. No mention of solid state drives.

Speaking of casting, there's a new reality show called Dr Toe, or something equally stupid. This guy makes feet look good. Just when you thought you couldn't be stunned...  the show will end shortly, when Dr Toe is caught giving toe jobs to a favorite client or two.

Next up: crew of reality shows in their own reality shows. Family of crew of reality shows. Shoes of reality show crews. Salesmen of shoes of reality crews. Guilt-inducing mothers of reality show stars. And finally, a reality show where killing your opponents is the idea. Then naturally the 12 copycat kill your opponents shows. 

• Yesterday the president abolished the use of nerve gas. In an unprecedented show of unity, 50% of the country demanded nerve gas, saying Trump lied about its effects.

Data Safety and Privacy

Many of us will get hacked, whether it's email, phishing, data leaks, or hacking into your pc. 

I hate to ask you this, and you'll hate hearing it, but what could someone getting into your pc find?

Ack... that's scary. Whether you have no or easy passwords or someone hacks in, even more of your information has been accessed (let's not discuss Faceyspaces, Google, etc).  What do you keep in your computer? That's absolutely frightening..,..

Well, if you have any financial information on there at all, it will be exposed. If the information is stolen, it'll be for sale, perhaps on the Dark Web [ominous music]. If you get hacked, CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS IMMEDIATELY. Assume everything has been stolen. Reformat and reset your pc back to factory condition. There is no telling if your system has some remote access left in it.

Highly recommended: a password locker. All your passwords and information can go there, so if you get hacked, it's encrypted and locked. Spend some time thinking about what kind of information is on your computer and what would happen if someone got access to it.

TIPS

Reminder to keep yer damn system updated/patched.

Keep your antivirus current and set it to run automatically, daily, when you're not using it.

Be incredibly safe while surfing: don't use javascript and cookies: keep them turned off by default. Yes, some sites won't work. If you know the site and know for a fact it isn't hijacked, use javascript. By the way - how do you know it's not hijacked? Even huge corporate sites have been victims. Keep your browsers up to date, set them to auto-update the extensions. DO NOT USE odd browsers or extensions that look shaky. Look for bad grammar in descriptions, obviously fake/numerous reviews, small user numbers. Stick with the very popular extensions, if you use them. Use a number of browsers, one set open, the rest highly protected. Use incognito mode. KNOW that incognito or private mode does not make you invisible; it just cleans all traces when you're done. This helps with privacy by getting rid of cookies and any other junk left over from surfing... this way it does so automatically and you don't have to by yourself. Or install a cleaner that you use before closing the browser. If you have no tracking cookies, it's harder to track you (but not too hard). 

There are browsers that come with anti-tracking features... Brave for one. Brave, Bromite, Privacy Browser and Duckduckgo Browser on android. There are safety extensions too - I like Firefox and its extensions. It's my most locked-down browser.

To make you feel better (or worse), hackers can get in using known weaknesses in systems... it's not always the fault of the computer operator (but frequently is).  We do not learn from our mistakes, which is why I post this stuff. Be safe out there.

Dear lefty:

• When will you write about current music?
• When anything approaching music is produced.

I somewhat less than fondly remember when our car used to get hit many times per year.
Hey, that actually stopped years back!
Of course the tree proved it too couldn't fly, the dog proved she wasn't any of the things described (she stays, though), the dirty dishes have turned into zombies and return the day after I wash them, I only read some words in sentences (leaving out unimportant words like not and stop), the poltergeists now do impersonations of the neighbor I can't stand, and the aliens keep trying to sell me encyclopedias.

• Why do schools and businesses have a diversity officer?

Speaking of helpful technology and smart users, dozens have died because they don't turn off their cars with keyless ignitions. The car runs, producing carbon monoxide, killing people. If you don't find this a good thing, you should probably remember to turn the car off.

On the other hand, I've done some pretty stupid stuff by mistake, but leaving the car running ain't one of them. You can kinda hear it when you get out of the car. Especially in an enclosed space, like the garage. An electric car makes little to no noise, but won't poison you. It will kill you to replace the batteries, though, but only financially.

• The BBC reports that a spider has bitten an Australian man on the penis. Again.
• This fella must have some interesting hobbies. G'day, mate.

I flunked out of evil villain school: I never wrote a manifesto.

I can't tell you how many times this happened to me...

Bra Burning Had A Lot of Support

• Work has its own way of doing things. The other day I got notice that my request was completed. (Last October)

Let me say something nice about the dog: she comes when called.

Let me say something that was observed: ripping apart all sorts of stuffed animals was bound to have an effect. Her output is very.... colorful.

Dear lefty:

• Sam Suck, from Surrey, Saskatoon, South America, asks when we're going to feature stories on right handed people.
• Dear Suck: you were dropped on your head a lot as a baby, weren't you...

The final, egregious insult to the tv-watching public was just observed: there is a dental commercial in the UK with a spokeslady I like to moon over.  The other day I saw the same commercial in the US and the hottie spoke American.  This is not acceptable. They think we don't know. Although the British accent sounded smarter and more trustworthy.

• After doing the Science and proving that I cannot fly, I decided to stop trying. Even inadvertently. Ever helpful and safety-conscious, Wife went out and salted the ice. This morning we have ice with a lot of holes in it, like Jerry Seinfeld's comedy.

SNOW ALERT!!!!
It's that time again... I think they call it winter.
You know what that means.....PANIC!
There are two storms forecast for the weekend. Last time they forecast a dusting, then 3-6, and we got a dusting.

People were lined up at the supermarket before it opened. It's only a matter of time til the governor tells the National Guard to stop their research on medical marijuana and warm up. Shovels fly off the shelves, ice salt cannot be found, nor can thousand dollar snowblowers. A gallon of milk will go for $27.50 on the White Market and bread will be way beyond your means. Heaven knows you won't find anything in the stores. Except bologna and head cheese, which always seem to be in stock. That's because they're the same bologna and head cheese that were there when the store opened.

• She was watching a movie so old, John Wayne had no rug.

It might be time to leave when your IT department gives you the password password1.

• In the What Could Possibly Go Wrong department, Divers got to swim with one of the biggest great white sharks off Hawaii.

Millions of Oklahoma government files were exposed by a wide-open server. Patients with AIDS and FBI information (1986-2016) were available to anyone for about a week. The server was listed with a site that shows vulnerable servers and open devices connected to the net.

The FBI said not to worry, it was only 3 terabytes of data.

I'm kidding - they said nothing.

• Why you should clear your browser history.

A baby was found dead in a Phoenix Amazon distribution center.

They really need to go easier on their packages.

• Has your email address been stolen? Check at haveibeenpwned.com

Del Rio, Texas, got hit with ransomware attack, taking them offline and back to the ancient times of pen and pad (without the little i in front of it). No word on whether they got everything back together. All it takes to get back up is a good backup and a competent IT staff. I'll guess they weren't doing backups because 'they're not important' and 'we don't have the budget'.

Dear lefty:

• My cousin wanna know if youz coming downa shoor onna weekend.
• Horseradish.

A Microsoft partner portal exposed every support request filed worldwide. How do you measure something so large? Must be half the internet.

• Two people were killed at an Alabama IHOP the other week. Apparently Waffle House was closed.

Not Worth the Plutonium it Would Take to Blow Them Up

Every now and then, we see something so compellingly honest, we go back to basics and remember what it's all about.  Let's take the Lindor commercial (please). Lindor truffles are what we call Chocolate Bombs. They come in bright wrappers, in dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate. If you're not having a lot of sex, like most of us, this is the next best thing.  Anyway, it starts with some sexy music and a pair of feet. They're kind of rubbing against each other, sensually. The camera eventually makes it to unwrapping, then a stunningly sexy woman puts the confection to her plump, red lips, and takes a small bite. This makes her eyes roll backwards into her sockets, like a one armed bandit. I love the hell out of this when it happens. After it's over, even I want a cigarette, and I don't smoke. THIS is a commercial.

• I still fail to grok Dog the Bounty Hunter. It's been on forever, which I also fail to understand. If any of you can explain the attraction to me, I urge you not to.

It's Recommend Software Time!

There's a pretty cool MP3/audio player called Dead Beef. It plays most formats and works on android and linux. It may be coaxed to work on OS X, but there will be no Windows version. Bummer (hysterical laughter - use Winamp). With a name like Dead Beef, you know it has to be some good software. It supports plugins and plays APE files, which is a format used by [this joke has been pre-empted by the University of Pennsylvania, which has filed suit because they don't want anyone else to enjoy the humor].

I have this bizarre problem (which one?): while random playing my music collection, I keep hearing the same songs. When I changed players, I kept hearing the same songs. Dead Beef at least uses a different randomizer. 

* don't forget: Beef Flaps is the name of the subreddit about women with large labia.

Winamp is a wonderful player that runs on most OSes, except linux (naturally).

VLC runs on anything and plays anything, audio and video. I highly recommend it for every OS except android, because it won't simply play one folder. It has to locate every media file on the entire phone. If this is good by you, go for it. It's my primary player on linux, although Dead Beef is moving up quickly.

It's Recommended Artist Time!

Carl Verheyen is a premier session guitarist, known for the spelling and pronunciation of his name. He's a phenomenal talent, with a tone and skills all his own. I think he's with Supertramp somehow, but he tours with his own band. The man can play almost anything.

Nazareth is a huge act from Scotland, known for the single Love Hurts. Another is Hair of the Dog (both 1975). Search YouTube. The vocals are a country of their own - delightfully scratchy. Due to concerns I am not permitted to divulge, he left the band recently, as well as the band being a merry go round of other members. I think the guitar roadie is the only original member. Don't tell anyone I told you.

Oh yeah, the absolute mostest funkiest riffiest keyboardist, Joe Cocker's very own Chris Stainton. Go ahead - argue with that riff.

Dear lefty

• Rear Admiral Brucie, from Down Under, asks where we get ideas for the blog
• Dear Poof: don't you have voices too?

Let me say something nice about Microsoft. 

just kidding.

No, really, here's some dirt on Win10's new Notepad features. None of us will use them, but it's good to know they're there.

• a mishap at a factory in Germany caused a ton of chocolate to escape and solidify. Honey, we're moving to Germany! Sprechen ze Chocolate?

Crime Tip:

When you're going to do something Extremely Naughty, use Private browsing mode, so there are no records you searched for beheadings before you did whatever you did.

That is all.

• In my 2009 post on WWII, I divulged that I wasn't blogging in 2009.

Senate Intel staffer James Wolfe, who was busted leaking info to reporter Ali Watkins in return for sex .... blah blah...

HANG ON... you can exchange info for sex? 

Why am I always the last to know?

• Mess Up Marketing: the theater wants to let me know Mary Poppins is back. Drop what you're doing... alert the press... masturbate furiously!
• I can barely contain my joy - Air Supply too!

Dear lefty

• Steve Blah, from Brighton Rock, wants to know how to play the guitar
• Carefully.

• Secretary of State Mike Pompeo confirmed that the government believes China is behind the Marriott Hack.
• Well.. we haven't 'exported freedom' to any country lately, so War On China! Just think of the corporate contracts! New planes, guns, fuel... this is like Viagra for Dick Cheney!

Speaking of China, no other country will take them seriously if they don't learn to spell. Sales are plummeting at Huawei. This is because it's pronounced Wah-way. They're worse than the French, who tend to drop a letter here and there.

G-Bus, watch and listen to this: stunning, in honor of the new Queen movie.

Generation Axe.

• Burton Cummings, of the Guess Who (These Eyes, No Time, Undun) tells a story about playing the flute on Undun. The guy at the music store said it was the same fingering as the sax. WHO CARES? IT'S A FLUTE.

In today's breach news, 40,000 stolen government logins are for sale on the Dark Web. They're from all countries, including... wait for it... the US. 

Hundreds of accounts on the websites of the US Senate, the Internal Revenue Service, the Department of Homeland Security and NASA were among those affected....

Remember: these are the people protecting US.
They're only protecting us from our tax dollars. 

• Work will soon have a gathering to talk about downgrading our computers to Windows 10.  I asked my boss how much it would be worth to him for me to stay home that day. Alas, no; he told me to tell him how it goes. Rest assured he will hear about my participation.... right after my probation period.

A comic turned down a gig at a British university because he was requested to sign a behavioral agreement first. This is what University Hijinks hath wrought.

The full list of topics listed by the organisers were "racism, sexism, classism, ageism, ableism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, xenophobia, Islamophobia or anti-religion or anti-atheism".

The contract said: "It does not mean that these topics cannot be discussed. But it must be done in a respectful and non-abusive way."

Think about that for a second... these are our institutes of higher learning. At this point, they're institutes of ideas that don't exist outside their protective walls.

The bigger surprise is that the college group apologized(!)

Unicef on Campus told Newsbeat: "Given that Unicef is a children's charity, we wanted to make sure it was an appropriate event for the cause. We would never wish to impose that guests would have to agree to anything they do not believe in.

No, they'd never impose censorship. Except with any guest that comes to the university, signing the behavioral agreement.

• What's Penny the Dog up to lately? When shredding books, she prefers hardcover. When shredding magazines, she prefers glossy (my Vintage Guitar magazines, to be precise). 
• If we take her outside every two hours, she only pees on the carpet a few times per week.
• The antibiotics are supposed to clear up both types of worms.
• The dog who lived with three other dogs snaps and growls at every other dog she sees while walking.
• She's terrified of linoleum. The Doggie Shrink says she was probably molested by it when she was a puppy.
• She's really affectionate and cuddly and only barks constantly several times a day. We're quite fond of her.

Male Pattern Baldness - the Band

I always wanted to call my band Male Pattern Baldness. For some reason, everyone else in the band refused. It wasn't so much a refusal as the physical reaction guys get when you mention getting kicked in the nuts. I had other names too... those merely got ignored.

• Today was a sign. An omen. The sun was out. As surprising as that was, it was forecast to be out. Something's up. Watch the skies.

Technology Time

Think about the march of technology. The things written in science fiction that are ordinary today. A wireless cell phone that replaces tons of physical utilities. This has created a mountain of useless things that kids born within the last 20 years have never seen, like:


a telephone booth, 45rpm adapter, library, a heavy mechanical phone doubling as a weapon, records, 8 track and cassette tapes, CDs, movies in grubby theaters or from a tape at home for $99, movie rentals, over the air tv with channel numbers, dialup internet, modems, leaded gas, land yacht cars, tuneups with spark plugs and wires, radios operated by a knob attached to a string, round clocks with hands, bigass computers with DOS, Windows 95/98/XP, printer ribbons, parallel cables, floppy discs, 286/386/486 computer chips, round  DIN computer plugs for accessories, adding port and other cards to computers, clean air, the US military in only a few countries, wireless phones, phone lines, busy signals, phones without Caller ID, large speakerphones that clipped off parts of words, answering machines, avocado green/harvest gold, huge wooden console stereos and tvs, black and white tvs with 6" screens, clothesline, washboard, wringer clothes washer, percolator coffeemaker, Lincoln Logs, board games, typewriters, paper notebook, newspapers, heating leftovers on the stove, wired or clicky remote controls, bra stores not carrying lingerie, computers plugged in to routers, written letters with postage stamps, pencils, sex without taking video, 16 year old virgins, verbal only gossip, walking anywhere, sitting quietly, having friends over and talking, smoking on airplanes, only charging things at home, C and D batteries, Radio Shack, only one type of condoms (that you shamefully asked for), cold medicine on open shelves, expensive heroin, soda in gallons, large tires with small wheels, floor-switched high beams, revving the engine to keep the car from stalling, stalling after running over a puddle, bench car seats, station wagons, metal in cars, starting your car with keys, protests against war, square computer monitors, $15 commercial-free cable, ice cube trays, porn magazines, door to door salesmen (non-religious), telling someone off without using the f- word, turn signals, generous employer paid pensions, no copays for anything, bicycles (without helmets), humongous analog reel to reel recording machines, community bulletin boards with 3x5 cards and push pins, Pong, hooking up vcrs and game boxes to the tv, tv antennas, amateur radio/CB, paying cash only for a doctor visit, milk trucks, malls with all kinds of stores and no food court, head shops, malts, drive in movies, handwriting, record stores, guitar solos, music without dancers, full albums played on the radio, radio stations doing whatever they wanted, giggling at gays and transsexuals, humor, walking up steps to get in a plane, liquids/pocketknives/scissors/guns and showing up right before the plane takes off, made in America, jobs for life, college degrees worth more than toilet paper, farms, tollbooth you throw change at, telethons, tv free of feminine products/pharmaceuticals/bladder leakage underwear that's actually pretty, dick jokes that didn't say dick, courtesy, really really stupid phones and tvs, bag and Beam Me Up Scotty phones, pay by minute long distance and cell, fixing electrical things yourself, Tab diet soda, whole milk, paying with cash, police showing up after you call, 2 prong outlets and plastic adapters with a little wire hanging out, Elmer's glue and paste, crayons, never hearing the word 'cunnilingus', waiting for the tv to warm up, unfinished basements, standalone stereos, mono records, head cleaning kits, record brush and fluid, record crates, posters, concert tickets, crystal scanners that could hear phones, soldering irons, neighborhood stores, guitar stores, weather that makes sense, baking cake from scratch, stereos over 1 watt, excitement of hearing the first time anyone said 'ass' on tv, beholding Sipowicz's ass, those little angular car windows in front of the main window, manual windows and door locks, real spare tires, AM/FM radios only, sneaking into Dad's special drawer, 8 or 16mm projectors, waking early on Saturday to watch cartoons, phones without hash or asterisk keys, the joy of sex (the book), record sleeves and foldouts with information, the brown acid, cleaning your pot on record jackets, products designed to last for more than a few months,



It's National Scrapple Day.
Scrapple is a Philly 'delicacy' which is essentially a meatlike substance made from (drum roll, please) scraps. Ponder that for a minute.

I try not to hate stuff before I try it, but the smell of whatever it is cooking is enough to keep mosquitos off your arm in the summer. Wife loves it. This is convenient because she'll never have to worry about me eating hers. In fact, it can sit in the fridge for six years, untouched, with all sorts of new and interesting growths, some speaking languages we've never heard before. I'm kidding - it can sit there for years, undisturbed: you can't distinguish ''fresh' scrapple from six year old scrapple. Philly is better known for soft pretzels and cheesesteaks... you're much safer with either.

• The FBI issued an alert in September due to the increase of attacks via Remote Desktop Protocol.
• This should never happen in a professional environment because you don't leave the Remote Desktop Protocol port open. It's like leaving your back door unlocked: burglars have to look for it, but they can walk right in. It's ok inside your network but not toward the internet.
• Home users are dependent entirely on their cable modems and routers. If they're not set to block by default (they should be), it's up to the user to get in there and close (everything). Anybody recommending this port be used to get to your computer from the internet should be shot, then sent to rudimentary computer school. If you need to remotely operate another computer in your house, it's relatively safe, assuming it's blocked at the router.

Between A.D.D., blurry vision, drugs, and a hyperactive dog, we can never find anything. The running joke is 'staple it to your forehead' so you know where it is and will be reminded. This fails because even the best of us run out of forehead space. This causes a clutter problem, and we're right back where we started.

• In my house, there's a place for everything. Unfortunately it changes daily.

Hack the Air Force 3.0 is happening soon, wherein 191 countries are invited to hack. Among those countries aren't China, Russia, Iran, or North Korea.  Sure, keep out the guys who have proven they can do it.  When this contest is over, the AF will pay bug bounties. They will also spend 8 months cleaning up the damage from unforeseen hacks:

• latrine doors won't open
• planes will confuse Up with Down
• refrigerators will report directly to China
• flushing a toilet issues the command to bomb North Korea
• Mr and Mrs Bob Winglehocker, of Bumfukt, Arkansas, will be awakened by surprise, after the AF computer orders a 1,001 person AF banjo cookoff and crossdressing cabaret held at their house.

Speaking of crossdressers, we're post midterm elections and nothing has burned. Yet.

• Dear lefty: Phil Poos asks if there are Portuguese Jews.
• Yes.

Somebody, who shall remain nameless, spilled sugar on the carpet. Someone else, who shall also remain nameless, was asked to vacuum it up. This particular someone forgot. No problem, as Vacuum 2 was activated: the dog found it and cleaned it up beautifully. The only issue was that when she was done, her snout looked like she was a coke addict. No one got a picture and the dog got no more hyper or otherwise dangerous. We just have to be very careful around her with cookies.

• There are a ton of operating system and app updates available. Please install them immediately: Windows is full of holes and so is anything from Adobe.
• RELATED: a MS update breaks Calendar and Mail on Windows 10 phones. THERE ARE WINDOWS 10 PHONES? It's the end times.

Since the new way of eating, I've cut way down on my chocolate intake. I've gone from 24/7 to once a day. Not at all coincidentally, I've felt like Advanced Death since around the time I started. Always supportive, my wife bought one of those absolutely humongous bags of mixed candy. This will truly test my will. I will lose spectacularly.

• I am just like everyone else: I put my pants on three legs at a time.

Much to no one's surprise, Penny is the second dog who would rather nap with his mom than hang out with his dad. Last night his mom heated pizza and put it on the arm of the sofa. Penny promptly pulled a piece onto the floor and started to eat it. This displeased dad loudly.  I am certain that she will not do that again. At least until the next time there's pizza on the couch.

• Dear lefty: reader Phyllis Moostache asks if dogs have buttocks.
• Yes.

My coworkers would be disappointed if they didn't hear me say 'I hate Microsoft' at least once a day. They are rarely disappointed. If you're burdened with Office 2016, you know that every meeting invitation automatically gets added to your calendar. Since my company runs on meetings, I have a calendar full of useless meetings (yes, all meetings are useless). I asked Microsoft Help, which isn't. An internet search indicated that it was designed this way on purpose.  One can 'filter' it, which still adds the meeting, but makes it a lighter shade.  I hate Microsoft. MAKE IT OPTIONAL, children of HERR GATES. 

Or, as Ben Stern used to say to little Howard, "I told you not to be stupid, you moron."

• If you missed it, there was a 'small glitch' in the internet, causing Google traffic to be routed through Russia, China, and Nigeria. I'm not the only one amused by this, but it was attributed to a 'misconfiguration' by a Nigerian internet provider.  Sure... blame the black guys.
• Does it bother anybody else that a single internet provider in China Nigeria can hijack traffic through a misconfiguration? Let's do Faceyspaces traffic next! But seriously, folks... this is the way it was designed, back when the most hostile people on the net were college students.

While having a blast at Faceyspaces' expense, their employees are surveyed twice a year about their sentiment and happiness. Last month showed 52% were optimistic about Faceyspaces' future, down a hair (32%) from 84% the prior year.  Unrelated: according to the Wall Street Journal, the leading Barbie Doll enthusiast magazine, the stock price was headed in this direction too.

Is this supposed to be a funny story? I'm laughing hysterically.

• a US panel warned against government purchase of Chinese technology. Gee, really?  How long has ThermionicEmissions been saying this? It's just common sense (which explains why it hasn't been followed).
• Wild guess: in WWII, the Allies didn't buy German technology.

The happy news is that "The fear and uncertainty generated by surveillance inhibit activity more than any action by the police." No, wait, did I say happy? It's a good read.

One of the hallmarks of good customer service (who cares) is not simply saying no - it's providing a workable alternative. I already have - you're just not reading. How's that for customer service? 

No, wait.. it means you really need to consider doing things as safely as possible. Use duckduckgo for searches, because it doesn't track you. Get rid of anything Google, Yahoo, Faceyspaces, Instagram, etc, including email. Set up at least 2 email accounts: one for important stuff and one for junk. Use a decent, encrypted email service like Protonmail (free for basic). Use https for every web connection (or use an extension like HTTP Everywhere, which will do it automatically for you). This will sound weird, but use cash for all transactions. Not only will it protect privacy, your card won't get skimmed or stolen. In the name of all that's holy, don't use free wifi without a VPN. Or don't use it at all. 

Turn your cell phone's wifi off when you leave your house. If you can't remember, a program called Macrodroid can be set to do it for you.

• Several Australian universities have BANNED sarcasm because it's a "form of violence." I'd be thrown in jail for several lifetimes.
• Professor - he hit me with sarcasm and I need a safe room, with puppies.
• The stupid continues, and it's overwhelming.

Speaking of good customer service, a Cryptopay user was denied a password change, so he did the only thing a responsible adult could: mailed them a bomb. Fortunately no one was hurt. The package sat around for five months before someone got around to almost opening it. The sender had a bit of a criminal history, including sending a bit of the old white powder to lawmakers. It turned out to be coke and the lawmakers dropped all charges. Just because I made that up doesn't mean it didn't happen.

• You're going to be shocked.... One Million Kids Tracker Watches were deemed unsafe because any old hacker can access them, allowing them access to your child's location and pictures. Not that you don't post that on Faceyspaces anyway....
• Imagine something called a Tracker Watch becoming a tracker....

So how about the personalized concert lineup the ticket people sent this week?
Jon Bellion's coming! Who the hell is Jon Bellion? Iron Maiden, which is at least close to my wheelhouse. Pink. Pink? I'm starting to think this personalized lineup thing is a lie.  Jeff Lynne's ELO - dammit - they finally got one!  While I know who Lindsey Buckingham is, there's also DAWES. Is this what people from Boston use to get into a house? Seinfeld!!!! God, I hate Seinfeld, although I know who he is. Who are these comedians...  who aren't funny? Kris Kristofferson. The man's multitalented. Trailer Park Boys? I don't know who they are, but I read they're now on the FBI terror list. They must have said something nasty to someone at some time. As a Ron Paul voter, I was on the list too. Let's not leave Sebastian Maniscalco off the list. Remember: you can get free innoculations against Sebastian Maniscalco at your local pharmacy for no copay. It's pretty damn serious, which is why the FBI is encouraging you take the shot. St. Paul and the Broken Bones are also coming. It sounds almost like my previous musical comedy act: we were so bereft of rhythm and grace, that there were inevitably broken bones. Galactic ft. Erica Falls will also grace our area. It would be more efficient to call themselves Galactic Falls, but either way, I'd have no idea who they are and no desire to spend my hard-earned money.  Mumford and Sons. Hmmm.. we know all about them. Banjos. Interbreeding. I can't even type the name without breaking out in laughter. 98 Degrees... sounds like a really HOT act (I apologize profusely for that). Last but perhaps least, The Noise Presents Nothing More. I have no idea, but the idea of Nothing More in the way of Noise sounds wonderful. When I get famous, people will be taking shots at me too.