Thirdhand smoke? Is that the smoke by the candy stand?
When was the last time you saw someone smoke at the movies?
UPDATE: Are you ready? Thirdhand smoke is the residue of smoke left on coats and clothes. Think of the benefits... you can smoke without smoking! Just go to a theater and inhale. You'll still get cancer, but at least you didn't have to light anything.
- You can now jailbreak an iPhone with an Android phone
- No, I did not write that headline.
I'd recommend Xubuntu, but take a look.
- Harvey Weinstein moved to jail after heart surgery
- Yeah, sure. Convenient walker, convenient heart surgery. Upcoming: convenient AIDS. His entire body is failing before prison - this is unprecedented. And shocking! He's trying to escape, one piece at a time.
SJW Speakings
Described as a horror drama, Antebellum tells the story of a 'modern-day social activist who finds herself traveling back in time to the 1800s.' It's Blog Gold here at ThermionicEmissions.
We went out for dinner just for fun. Usually this involves people dying (and we hoped it wasn't us). As we walked in, there were ladies handing out roses for Women's Day.
Women's Day?
I couldn't hear the explanation because of the blood boiling in my ears. She refused to give me a rose. I told her I identify as a woman, and can get pregnant like a woman, and even menna... minister... mennistrate..... but she did not recognize me as a woman. Next weekend we're picketing the place. I'm bringing in the Ladies Guild: at the front of the march will be 20 very large women with facial hair and signs, demanding gender equality. And free food.
Special Coronavirus Coverage
The coronavirus has spread to Venice, California.
Governor Newsom is passing a law against it.
Some local groups have canceled weekly meetings, claiming there are cases closeby.
People are going insane in stores, like they do here when 1/4" of snow is forecast: they buy all the bread and milk. Now they're buying masks and flu medicines. And condoms, because you gotta do something while you're stuck inside.
There has never been a better time to have some strange neuroses, especially with coronavirus running rampant, like Congress running to vote itself a pay raise.
Today I identify as a 5 day Postal Service delivery box that costs $24.99 to mail across town.
Most people are in PANIC mode, not helped at all by the 24 hour TV/Radio/News/social media barrage. It's quite frankly not fair. Nobody talks about the Good that the virus will bring
- The citizens immediately institutionalize her because she has green hair.
- They burn her at the stake, because she has a bone through her nose.
- She gets wooden teeth! Every time she says something about women running things, people hit her in the mouth with a 2x4.
- Her sex life is exactly like it was in 2020: even her fellow inmates think she's too crazy to have sex with.
- frequently accused of being a weird man
- her fellow inmates at the Happy Place<tm> keep asking who Hillary is and why women should vote for her. Also, what is vote?
- Insists that women are just as crazy as men, so why aren't there more women in the Loony Bin?
- Never makes it back to 2020 because she was killed after trying to explain that men can have periods too.
We went out for dinner just for fun. Usually this involves people dying (and we hoped it wasn't us). As we walked in, there were ladies handing out roses for Women's Day.
Women's Day?
I couldn't hear the explanation because of the blood boiling in my ears. She refused to give me a rose. I told her I identify as a woman, and can get pregnant like a woman, and even menna... minister... mennistrate..... but she did not recognize me as a woman. Next weekend we're picketing the place. I'm bringing in the Ladies Guild: at the front of the march will be 20 very large women with facial hair and signs, demanding gender equality. And free food.
- Alanis Morissette's debut - Jagged Little Pill, is 25 years old.
- And still sounds like a cat having an operation without anesthetic
Ya know Virgin Media? A data breach exposed 900,000 customers' info.
In other words, a breach made them Virgin no more.
- Microsoft, Faceyspaces, Amazon workers told to stay home because of coronavirus
- And because nobody likes them
Special Coronavirus Coverage
The coronavirus has spread to Venice, California.
Governor Newsom is passing a law against it.
Speaking of coronavirus, we have it locally now.
Why?
Because some idiot who has it attended a function. 5 schools are closed.
They need to jail this person, but I have it on good authority that you can't arrest someone for excessive stupidity.
Some local groups have canceled weekly meetings, claiming there are cases closeby.
People are going insane in stores, like they do here when 1/4" of snow is forecast: they buy all the bread and milk. Now they're buying masks and flu medicines. And condoms, because you gotta do something while you're stuck inside.
There has never been a better time to have some strange neuroses, especially with coronavirus running rampant, like Congress running to vote itself a pay raise.
- Agoraphobes are now being celebrated - they don't leave the house!
- Germphobes take all sorts of precautions and never shake hands.
- Obsessive Compulsive hand-washers are now being recognized as The Neurosis to Have, according to Time Magazine.
- The paranoid wear masks so no one knows who they are. Now they blend right in. Plus facial recognition doesn't work with masks.
- The depressed don't feel like getting out of bed anyway.
- The bipolars are running to the store to buy everything, but.. they're... probably.. gonna... stay...in...bed... for.... a...while.
- The schizophrenics don't go out because they're having a perfectly nice conversation. With the front door.
Today I identify as a 5 day Postal Service delivery box that costs $24.99 to mail across town.
- I asked Wife why coronavirus doesn't attack the eyes.
- She said nothing.
- I asked again.
- She said nothing again.
- I think she's onto me.
Most people are in PANIC mode, not helped at all by the 24 hour TV/Radio/News/social media barrage. It's quite frankly not fair. Nobody talks about the Good that the virus will bring
- you will finally be able to get a seat at that restaurant (although you'll probably be ignored for 30 minutes when you first enter)
- there will be no traffic at all, when you paint CORONAVIRUS on your car
- while police and fire get right of way, World Health Organization will always get in first
- there will be a coronavirus baby boom, but the kids won't know what that means
- there will be a divorce boom, after husband and wife are forced to be in the same house for a few weeks
- I just discovered I'm dyslexic. Mrs lefty asked me how it took so many years to figure this out.
- Because I see the year 2020 and read it as 1970.
In the time I have had my last 2 phones, my dear wife has had only one. The screen is cracked (in letters that spell her name). The case resembles a pair of jeans that just gave up and keeps ripping itself, hoping its owner will finally develop sense and throw it out. I think it has encephalitis: it randomly changes account pictures and phone numbers, so you never know who you're dialing. This week, I'm Dr lefty Giancanna, with a picture of her sister's dog. Nobody in or out of the phone industry has ever seen this before. It's not a virus.
Normally this would not bother me at all.
But this is my house we're talking about. The phone rings only when I need to be undisturbed. Mrs lefty sets an alarm when she takes a nap. I know this because the alarm goes off 6 times because the phone was left near me, not taken to the bedroom. She has alarms set to remind her there are alarms set.
The worst, and I mean worst, thing about the phone is that it randomly changes ringtone. I made her a bunch of ringtones from her favorite songs, guaranteeing we'll never hear any of them. The current tone sounds like... stay with me for a moment... take a set of stairs, with about 20 steps. Line up a marching band, complete with instruments, 2 per step. Push the top person down, starting a domino effect, taking the rest of them down, one step at a time. If anyone doesn't fall over, the second set of marchers will go down, so we'll have several lines of marching band, falling down the steps, playing their instruments.
And that's what the ringtone sounds like.
We got one of those horrible noise alerts coming from our phones the other day. We hoped it was a test of the Emergency Broadcast System, because those are cool. It turned out to be a serious weather warning: EXTREME SUN FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS. REPEAT - EXTREME SUN FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS. Keep small children inside and use plenty of sunscreen, especially if you're walking to your car.
Fortunately we had a Family Plan, so after we got done yelling PANIC PANIC, we consulted the family plan. We just got done spending two days in the basement, where it was cold and dark, like every other day. That was a close one.
Normally this would not bother me at all.
But this is my house we're talking about. The phone rings only when I need to be undisturbed. Mrs lefty sets an alarm when she takes a nap. I know this because the alarm goes off 6 times because the phone was left near me, not taken to the bedroom. She has alarms set to remind her there are alarms set.
The worst, and I mean worst, thing about the phone is that it randomly changes ringtone. I made her a bunch of ringtones from her favorite songs, guaranteeing we'll never hear any of them. The current tone sounds like... stay with me for a moment... take a set of stairs, with about 20 steps. Line up a marching band, complete with instruments, 2 per step. Push the top person down, starting a domino effect, taking the rest of them down, one step at a time. If anyone doesn't fall over, the second set of marchers will go down, so we'll have several lines of marching band, falling down the steps, playing their instruments.
And that's what the ringtone sounds like.
- Before we invented civilization, the White House area was nothing but swampland. Since we upgraded civilization, the White House is a beautiful building, occupied by mud, mosquitos, and lethal parasites.
We got one of those horrible noise alerts coming from our phones the other day. We hoped it was a test of the Emergency Broadcast System, because those are cool. It turned out to be a serious weather warning: EXTREME SUN FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS. REPEAT - EXTREME SUN FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS. Keep small children inside and use plenty of sunscreen, especially if you're walking to your car.
Fortunately we had a Family Plan, so after we got done yelling PANIC PANIC, we consulted the family plan. We just got done spending two days in the basement, where it was cold and dark, like every other day. That was a close one.
No comments:
Post a Comment