Talking to friends, I realized what kind of shape we're in: financially, without hope, and looking for some tiny bit of... something... to make life tolerable.
In a nod to positivity, we've said the following:
- The car overheated. It only cost $250 to fix!!!
- The dog got sick. The vet bill was only $375 WITH blood work!
- I opened the curtain and there was only 95% cloud coverage. There was even a tiny spot on the sidewalk that looked like it might start drying...
- I put my frozen dinner in the microwave. Yes, it came out black, but I finally figured out how to set the power level!
- Only 4 of my friends died of coronavirus!
- My retirement account only lost 25% during the Great Coronavirus Panic of 2020!
- the dog only got half of the thanksgiving turkey!
It's kinda sad when this is what we're excited about.
Although it does speak to the resilience of the human spirit...
Please comment with yours.
We continue with news of The Great Coronavirus PANIC of 2020
Today's report is brought to you by Mrs lefty, woman on the street:
It's really dead out there.
Thank you, Mrs lefty.
A brief call to several local businesses had entire malls closed and entire malls open. Restaurants were open, but I wasn't allowed to go outside to visit them. Every website had the same disclaimer:
Mrs lefty, I understand you were out checking on your mother in law today.
Yes, lefty, I was.
And how was she.
Well, lefty, she was in a panic.
Why is that?
She didn't have any bottled water.
A quick check on her yesterday revealed 6 one gallon jugs of water under the sink.
Exactly, lefty, but that's not enough for her. She drinks water, you know.
6 gallons?
No, but she wants to have it there just in case.
Good thing she doesn't need any toilet paper.
Heh heh heh, lefty. Back to you in the studio...
All of the past and current democratic primary candidates released a statement, blaming President Trump for the virus.
They were going to blame Hillary Clinton, but changed their plans when they started to disappear, one at a time. The coroner reported that they all committed suicide while handcuffed, shooting themselves twice in the back of the head, then hiding the gun.
Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-Uranus) is pleading with the president to mobilize the military to fight coronavirus. Do you want to explain it to him or should I?
In an attempt to stop a Hawaiian lava flow, the army bombed it in 1935.
WTF is wrong with us? We also bombed the Moon. There are other options... we don't have to bomb everything we see.
A spokesman for Hollywood said that they are losing $20 billion, more or less, each weekend. As a result, Meryl Streep, Robert DeNiro, and Rob Reiner have released a statement, blaming Trump personally for the virus.
Things are pretty good at the lefty mansion.
Mrs lefty lets me out every 6-8 weeks (whether I want to or not).
But now that she's keeping me indoors because of the Flying AIDS, I suddenly want to go out. Why is that? Maybe if I get her to tell me we're going out, I will calm down and go back to sleep in the basement.
Israel takes step toward monitoring phones of virus patients.
Monitoring? We call that spying when the CIA/FBI/NSA does it.
Now is the time to watch carefully. See what goes on with restrictions and official reactions. Don't let it bog you down - just notice it.
Israel has some technology - they also use it to spy on us.
In the US, this would be largely the same, except it would be 'for the children.'
Today I identify as Dolly Parton
List of Free Software and Services During Coronavirus Outbreak
- Things that are certain in life: death, taxes, and rain on the night the trash has to go out and/or when the bins have to come back. I kid you not.
We continue with news of The Great Coronavirus PANIC of 2020
Today's report is brought to you by Mrs lefty, woman on the street:
It's really dead out there.
Thank you, Mrs lefty.
A brief call to several local businesses had entire malls closed and entire malls open. Restaurants were open, but I wasn't allowed to go outside to visit them. Every website had the same disclaimer:
UPDATE ON COVID-19
We apologize for coronavirus and for being a business and for being open, because our families have to eat too. We want you to know we have taken every precaution to keep our customers and employees safe. If an employee feels sick or has vomited up his intestines, he can get a note from his doctor and miss work that day. He won't be paid, though.
We have engaged the services of the best cleaners in the entire state. They show up in a nuclear green pretty serious-looking truck. They all wear hazmat suits and carry bottles that have 'Coronavirus Eradicator' written on them, in crayon.
I'm not kidding... they all say something to this effect. Ok, they don't say nuclear green - that was.... what's that thing called? Poetic license.
Wait, we have a bulletin from Mrs lefty:
Mrs lefty, I understand you were out checking on your mother in law today.
Yes, lefty, I was.
And how was she.
Well, lefty, she was in a panic.
Why is that?
She didn't have any bottled water.
A quick check on her yesterday revealed 6 one gallon jugs of water under the sink.
Exactly, lefty, but that's not enough for her. She drinks water, you know.
6 gallons?
No, but she wants to have it there just in case.
Good thing she doesn't need any toilet paper.
Heh heh heh, lefty. Back to you in the studio...
All of the past and current democratic primary candidates released a statement, blaming President Trump for the virus.
They were going to blame Hillary Clinton, but changed their plans when they started to disappear, one at a time. The coroner reported that they all committed suicide while handcuffed, shooting themselves twice in the back of the head, then hiding the gun.
- Know who's suffering the worst from The Virus?
- Hypochondriacs - the people who always think they're sick. They're feeling left out (and sick, of course) and are jamming emergency rooms across the country.
- The National Guard has been mobilized, and have been authorized to shoot these people
Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-Uranus) is pleading with the president to mobilize the military to fight coronavirus. Do you want to explain it to him or should I?
In an attempt to stop a Hawaiian lava flow, the army bombed it in 1935.
WTF is wrong with us? We also bombed the Moon. There are other options... we don't have to bomb everything we see.
- Everybody could use a little more cash. Since I don't make anything from blogging, I do what I can. I stand out on a corner, selling toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Mrs lefty ho's me out and calls me 'her main bitch,' whatever that means. She said if I do over $5,500, I get my own corner. If I do under $5,500, I take a beatin'.
A spokesman for Hollywood said that they are losing $20 billion, more or less, each weekend. As a result, Meryl Streep, Robert DeNiro, and Rob Reiner have released a statement, blaming Trump personally for the virus.
Things are pretty good at the lefty mansion.
Mrs lefty lets me out every 6-8 weeks (whether I want to or not).
But now that she's keeping me indoors because of the Flying AIDS, I suddenly want to go out. Why is that? Maybe if I get her to tell me we're going out, I will calm down and go back to sleep in the basement.
- What do you have when you find an open pie container, with most of the pie hollowed out but not the crust, and a spoon in the middle?
- Kids
Israel takes step toward monitoring phones of virus patients.
Monitoring? We call that spying when the CIA/FBI/NSA does it.
Now is the time to watch carefully. See what goes on with restrictions and official reactions. Don't let it bog you down - just notice it.
Israel has some technology - they also use it to spy on us.
In his address, Netanyahu acknowledged the technology had never been used on civilians. But he said the unprecedented health threat posed by the virus justified its use.
In the US, this would be largely the same, except it would be 'for the children.'
Today I identify as Dolly Parton
List of Free Software and Services During Coronavirus Outbreak
- Creepiest headline: What is a smart diaper and how does it work
In case you slipped and clicked the MS Edge browser icon...it's also sending serious data back to MS. Win 10 wasn't enough...
- Apple bans COVID-19 games.
- what an odd little company
Next time you complain about your period, remember MRKH Syndrome: the girl that was born without a vagina. Not kidding and not giggling.
- Data of millions of eBay and Amazon shoppers exposed
- Haven't we had enough of this? It's the same cause every time..
If you've got a few million to burn, check out McClaren's ELVA - it has no windshield. For that price, it should sexually gratify you too.
- Now that we're all working from home, let me give you my first tip
- turn off... ummmm... anything you might be watching... when the boss calls.
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| Please use birth control - you don't want your kids to be known as coronavirus babies |
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