If There's a Bustle in Your Hedgerow, See a Doctor

Malware found in android app CamScanner, with 100+ million users.



Boris Johnson (R-Blighty) asked the Queen to make a speech and shut down Parliament for a while, to keep Brexit plans in-place. Johnson says this has nothing to do with Brexit; there is important legislation to work on - more laws to hold up, more fighting to do, and more pressure on Parliament to have ridiculous haircuts (and new, taller hats). Asked for comment, the Queen said, "Huh? Are you talking to us?"

Scotland's representative said this is the action of a despot. She said a few other things, but nobody could understand them.

Critics have said this is a Constitutional Outrage, Absolutely Wrong, We Cannot Have This Sort of Thing, and some of them went so fas as to be Highly Miffed. They said Trump Johnson should be thrown out, possibly even for the weekend.

Things are so similar between the UK and US, when a member of Parliament is sick, they call Nancy Pelosi to have her send over a congressman.



Life is sweet, you get cancer and die.

RIP Eddie Money (Eddie Mahoney- 70). Guy gets a horrid reality show, revives his career, then finds out he has stage 4 esophageal cancer. He passed peacefully. Condolences to his family.

• It's not that I've been married for a long time, but when I see an attractive lady, I say, "Boy, could I make her life miserable."

Dear lefty

• Why are you so crusty all the time?
• Why do you ask me questions all the time?

10 best sites to download free ebooks.

• Be prepared - September is National Preparedness Month.
• In the Old Days<tm>, schools had nuclear bomb drills, then fire drills. Now it's cybersecurity drills. During the exercise, they simulate Faceyspaces being down. That stopped after the first time, when students passed out and developed PTSD. Parents sued school districts for cruelty. Faceyspaces also sued, but you're not allowed to see the paperwork because they believe in privacy.

• Dairy Queen has confirmed that their burgers are not made with human meat.   That's outrageous - who goes to Dairy Queen for burgers?

I love my coworkers.

One just texted me.

Her: Hi.

Me: I'm not here today. Hi.

  --> 2 minutes of total silence

Her: really?

Me: I can't say. Need to know only.

  --> more silence

Her: haha. Anyway, I have an issue.

Me: see a specialist.

Her: ha ha, can you help me or do it for me?

Me: No.

Her: lol

2 hours later....

Her: now that you've done the work and emailed it to me, how do I save the file you emailed?

Me: Call Microsoft and ask to speak to an Outlook Specialist.

1 hour later

Her: can I show you my screen?

Me: why?

Her: well this is what I get.

Me: yes, I know. You told me and I sent you the file.

Her: but I need you to send me the file.

Me: I already sent you the file.

Her: Oh, I didn't see it.

Me: [remembering] They already warned me about killing coworkers.

I love my coworkers.

I suspect another one of them uses their 8 hours to work a second job.

• With the second weather-related state of emergency being declared in Puerto Rico, it occurs to me that Puerto Rico was a bad investment.

No thanks, I'd rather run over some nuns while drunk (me AND the nuns)

My father had a stroke or three.

I am typing this because you should know that people don't always hold up a sign saying I'M HAVING A STROKE. He just looked bad for a bit. We only noticed one side of his mouth droop and rushed him to the hospital. Fortunately he's a stubborn guy, like his son, and will eventually be ok. Tons of tests, watching for swallowing difficulties, and more tests. He walked into the emergency room, which says something. The other night, his advice for me was not to get sick. I will take him up on that immediately.

Watch carefully, ok? If someone looks bad, get them to their doctor quickly. If they look really bad, get them to the emergency room. The local hospital has a wonderful, kind staff; many of whom are very attractive. This is an important thing to watch for in hospitals.

The best thing I've seen so far: my mom waking my dad to ask if he's comfortable.

This is a 100% non-partisan post:
Why does every picture of AOC look like this?

She looks very unhappy. She is not an unattractive woman - if she smiles... does she smile?

Heroes of the Stupid

An Oklahoma woman forced kids to eat dog feces. She somehow avoided jail, perhaps because the judge enjoys some nice feces now and then.

A woman who stabbed her boyfriend 39 times during a sex game has been freed from prison. This must be what they call Rough Sex.

SJW Attacks

A Sydney, Australia, university will lower the engineering entry bar for females as a part of a plan to get more women into the field.  Do you want to live in a building designed by affirmative action engineers?

Are You Left Handed or Backwards?

Mercedes UK admits spying on drivers with tracking devices. Your location is not a secret on new or used cars. The government is outraged because only they should be able to spy on citizens. Is this happening in America too? Check what you're signing.

Lincoln is introducing Phone-As A Key, where you download an app to unlock your car (android or other). You're tracked here too because the app sends the data up the line every time you use it (and probably when you're not using it).

Faceyspaces gives everyone a 'clear history tool' that doesn't clear anything. 
Still logging in? 400+ million users' data on the loose. Still logging in?

Over a third of firms have suffered a cloud attack.
Once again, I have been proven correct.
If you can't touch your data, it's no longer yours.




Boris Johnson, the UK's new PM (PDQ), said he appreciates Donald Trump's kind words, but promised that he wouldn't say anything nice about Trump if Trump doesn't say anything nice about him. A Trump endorsement makes it even harder to get anything done.

• Denmark's PM said that Greenland is not for sale. She recommended the US take a look at China.

Dear lefty

• Why are you so nasty all the time?
• Because I hate you.

Angela Merkel (D-Germany) is being hauled into world court to explain why she deliberately uses a hard G in Angela.

Boris Johnson went to meet Angela Merkel as his first visit out of state. Boris took some remedial German classes in preparation, but couldn't make all the classes. As a result, here are a few things he said to Merkel

Good evening. Your mother is a fire truck.
About this Brexit thing.... God, you're ugly.
Germany holds a special place in my spleen.
Terrible thing about those Jews, isn't it?
Don't mention the war. Did I say that out loud?

• England will never be taken seriously until it stops saying conTROVerSEE and SHED-ule.

No thank you, I'd rather vacation in Jeffrey Epstein's jail cell.

Speaking of Epstein's cell, his former cellmate is being politely requested not to talk about a single thing that goes on in prison. Lest he get transferred to that cell.

• Having a bad day? A man burying his wife, a victim of the El Paso shooting, had his SUV stolen at the funeral.  Stop complaining.

I bought an ergonomic mouse, forever answering the question 'can I get a left handed mouse?' If you take a regular mouse and pick one side up to about 45 degrees, it looks like that. I really like the device and recommend it. It even has backspace and forward buttons for browsing. Since it's tall, I always knock it over with my hand.

Related: know how it's difficult to grab the tiny perimeter of a window to resize it? I have a hard time NOT grabbing it. It's like magic. Evil magic.



OXYMORONS

• Faceyspaces Privacy Officer
• Congressional Ethics
• Microsoft Security Engineer
• MTV Rocks

Work is fun and I'm learning all sorts of Stuff.
Stuff like being security conscious but using Chrome and Internet Explorer is ok. Internet Explorer is a Hall of Horrors. Whenever I use it, I remember why I not only hate it, but why I use ad blockers on my real browsers: it's the only time I see ads. So this is what PTSD means....

As with all jobs, there are meetings. I have tried with all my might to avoid meetings, without success. Even bad behavior hasn't helped.... when I try, I find out the others are trying harder than me (and succeeding). It's a competition to keep up. My behavior is actually encouraged. I tried feigning incompetence, but this also failed, as most of my coworkers are genuinely incompetent. I also tried Tourette's Syndrome, randomly blurting out curses, but no one could tell it from my regular outbursts. I tried an earring through my eyebrow, but the boss has a 6" bone through his nose.  I even tried explosives, but one coworker laughed and said, "You call that an explosive," then showed me his desk drawer. I even claimed I'm second shift (where literally nothing gets done) but no one heard me because they were off doing nothing of their own.

This will challenge all my creativity but I'm up for it.


Speaking of work, I had to put in a trouble ticket for some broken software.
My department must get to our issues in 24 hours...  to this day, we're not sure if Helpdesk is obligated to even look at their tickets. Since this was a fairly important request, they got back to me within a few weeks. I got asked if I'm still having that software problem. Well, I'd say so, as I can't fix it myself. You know, that's why I put in the ticket. Software doesn't spontaneously repair itself.

Oh.

He goes away a couple of times, without informing me he's working in the issue. I'm staring at the screen, waiting for something magical to happen. Fortunately there was no extensive breath-holding going on. I gave up and went back to my own job, where I get to all issues within an hour. A few disappearances later he informs me of what's wrong.  Well, that's nice. Then he disappears again. Where do these people go? When he eventually gets back, it's Fixed!

He has this whole dance down to a science. No one ever complains because, like their doctor, they're just happy to see him.

Now he'll tell his boss he spent 4 hours with some idiot who broke his machine, so that's why he got nothing done this week.

Oops, the fix was less that perfect, in that it didn't work at all, much like Congress. I'm sure someone will get back to me. In a month or two.




A girl was found bound and gagged in a car on a California freeway. The family said they were taking her to drug rehab. Turns out they were taking her to a Taylor Swift concert. It was for her own good.

There's a commercial on in the background and I notice the jingle sounds perfectly vapid and perfect for a commercial. Then I find out it's not a commercial - it's Taylor Swift. This is only the second song of hers I've heard, but my first instinct is RUN. She seems like such a nice person, though.

• Porn Industry Worried Association with White House May Tarnish Its Image.

Heroes of the Stupid

Fearing they could be overwhelmed with visitors, officials in the remote Nevada county that’s home to the Area 51 military base have drafted an emergency declaration and a plan to team resources with neighboring counties and the state ahead of events tied to the “Storm Area 51” internet drive. The entire storm will peter out when they find out cell service just crashed and they can't livestream to Faceyspaces.


If you play touch football at Lamar High School in Arlington, Texas, things just got safer: you are now required to wear a helmet.


Best headline: Joe Biden's brain surgeon is defending Joe Biden's brain.
He plans to install it after the election.


I just saw a message from someone using Microsoft Outlook for Android.
A virus you have to install manually.



SJW Stupidity

San Francisco board rebrands 'convicted felon' as 'justice-involved person'.
Richard Ramirez, 'the Nightstalker,' is now 'serially female-involved'.





History will look back on us and get a neck sprain from shaking its head vigorously.    - lefty

Some things never go out of style

Put Down the Ice Cream and Come Out with your Hands Up

"Hi, lefty!" went the automated assistant.
"WTF," went lefty. That's just creepy.
"Would you like to make a payment? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no."
presses 1
"If you would like your balance first, press 1. If you want to pay now, press 2."
presses 2
"Your balance, that you just told me not to read, is $100. Would you like to pay $100 now with your card on file?"
"Yes."
"......... Sorry, I don't understand. Would you like to make your payment now?"
"YES, PAY, YES, PLEASE"
"......... You selected 'talk to customer service.' There will be a $17 charge."
"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU A FRIGGIN DEAF MACHINE? I SAID YES, YOU IDIOT. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND YES? I REALIZE THIS IS NEW TECHNOLOGY AND HAS ONLY BEEN AROUND FOR 25 YEARS, SO YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN IT RIGHT YET...."
hangs up
calls again
"Hi, lefty!" went the automated assistant.
same routine.
"Pay. PAY. YES I WANT TO PAY, YOU DONKEY PLOOKER. PAY. P, A, Y - GOT IT?
"There is a longer than normal wait for Customer Service. Please follow the link we sent you or you'll have to call back 20 more times and you won't get any further."
follows link, pays in 14 seconds
"We detect you have paid online. Thank you for your payment and go fuck yourself."
click





The US Navy will be replacing their touch screen monitors on their ships because they're stupid (the monitors and the designers). The new tech is being blamed for a ship crash: there are separate controls for left and right power, located on different sides of the bridge. Plus the monitors are apparently too complex for the users. Feel safer now?


Hey, do you have one of those new wifi routers with the WPA3 incredibly secure standard? It's already been hacked to allow password discovery.  


Wanna see some stats on the NSA's telephony metadata program?


You know those voting machines that are Very Secure because they're not hooked to the net? Oops.







Dear lefty

• I'm a closet Trump supporter and I'm getting tired of all the divisiveness. What should I do?
• Have the president announce that he is categorically against jumping off buildings. By the next morning, there won't be a single divisive person alive. 

Hey, Kids - it's Sunday morning and I'm in bed.
Well, I was in bed.
Now I'm typing this to you, my good readers.
On a Sunday morning, what's the best thing you can do at 8am?
That's right - the neighbor is having their roof redone!

There are a bunch of dudes with hammers hitting things, conveniently located outside my window. There are also two guys on the roof with those auto-hammer/stapler thingies, playing call and response.

Left: bang bang bang
Right: bang bang bang BANG
It took me a while to figure out they were doing Led Zeppelin's Moby Dick.

Mrs lefty went out to ask them if we should move our car.
They stared at her, silently.
Apparently there's a regulation that companies hire non English speaking workers. This is a problem if you need to communicate with them, but the amount of complaints has plummeted to zero.

I just wanted to let you know that if you hear on the news about some unfortunate roofers in my area falling 2 stories to the dirt, next to the sidewalk, and being impaled on 4.7" wood 2x4's, spitting out their spleens and a pancreas or two, just before lunch, near a red truck.. I had nothing at all to do with it. I was asleep.


Speaking of the news, there's a lot going on in Kashmir lately.
I just can't listen to this human tragedy.
(without hearing Led Zeppelin's Kashmir)
It's been a great time for Led Zeppelin.

• a fake Hillary Clinton Twitter account sent this: Jeffrey Epstein was once a close friend. His impending suicide will take a heavy toll on us all.

A Tesla caught fire after hitting a tow truck in Moscow.
Regular cars also have this annoying habit.
One should always avoid tow trucks.

South Wales police want to remind you that if you make fun of this convicted drug dealer's hair, you will be investigated. Even if they take lack of freedom of speech into account, the right to pick on this person's hair should be universal.

• My dad, retired and in need of hobbies, is still agitated I use 4 spoons of sugar in my coffee. I took offense, as I whittled down to two spoons. The secret here, in case you need to cut down on sugar too, is to use really sweet, high sugar creamer. When I retire, I hope I find better Stuff to bitch about.

Something is wrong in the UK government.

Boris Johnson's hair barely points north, east, and west since the election. The news says this signals his about-face on Brexit and Life in General. The people remain more divided than ever. The Americans ask "What's Brexit?"

If you watch Sky News, I'm dating Kay Burley.

The bad news is that she's not aware of it.

The good news is that neither is my wife.

Hong Kong has gotten a bit riotous lately, with protesters getting more bold, since they found out they can Get Stuff when they protest. The current protest is being held at the Hong Kong Airport. The police are out in force and the government has shut down all flights out of spite. Forgotten during this massive argument as to whose penis is bigger, is the reason for the protest: renaming the airport Donald Trump Honorary Airport.

This would be even funnier if it appeared when the protest started happening, not weeks later. This is the quantity quality of work I put into this blog.

Positive government action
Yes, I know... you don't hear about that a lot.
The FDA warned that drinking bleach will not cure cancer or autism.
On the other hand, the fact they had to put this out is terribly sad.

SJW Stuff

[twitter]
Dear white people: If you haven't apologized for being white today to a person of color, maybe you should.


[also twitter]
Do you have white teenage sons?
Listen up.

I've been watching my boys' online behavior & noticed that social media and vloggers are actively laying groundwork in white teens to turn them into alt-right/white supremacists.   Fake news... everybody to the right of Michael Moore has been purged from the larger social media platforms.



Two commercials have been banned in the UK because they perpetuate harmful gender stereotypes. Yes, this is an actual law.  There is a funny point: news people refer to one of the commercials as Philly Cheese, when the product is Philadelphia (brand) Cream Cheese.

And Now, the Breast of the Story

President Trump and the FBA (Federal Blogging Association) now require this disclaimer on all blogs:

Do not read ThermionicEmissions if you are allergic to ThermionicEmissions. Always read ThermionicEmissions with an alcoholic beverage, on an empty stomach. Use caution if you are driving.

ThermionicEmissions should not be read if you are pregnant, thinking about getting pregnant, or practicing getting pregnant. Do not read if you are not consuming recreational pharmaceuticals, if your kids are in the room, in the bath, in the shower, or thinking about a shower. Tell your internet provider if you develop a persistent laugh, which could be the sign of a serious mental condition.

Side effects include itchy breasts, heart attack, bloody spleen, black plague, red death, blue balls, spitting out your pancreas, punching old ladies, screaming WHY DIDN'T YOU MOLEST *ME* at priests, OCD OCD OCD, shaving your testicles, shaving your mother's testicles, and death. 


One percent of people who read the blog asked for a different blog. The other 99 percent were too stunned to reply. Only 3 percent of men became pregnant. 38 percent assaulted the person who referred them. The majority painted their nipples red and sang loudly, out of tune, at the zoo.



Amazon now lets you opt-out of having humans review your Alexa conversations.

No really. We're not kidding this time. We'd never lie to you. We're good, honest people.


I don't use goog Maps (or goog anything), so here are 10 alternatives. The irony is they're all available from the goog play store. I'd avoid mapquest if you're interested in getting somewhere.


If you fly Cathay Pacific, the privacy policy changed: they will gather all possible information on you. This will be aided by cameras in lounges and plane cabins. The statement from Cathay is that they don't have cameras in the loos, so don't worry. Meanwhile there are cameras on the seat back entertainment console, which they claim aren't used. Don't fly Cathay.


This won't come as a surprise to ThermionicEmissions readers, but Microsoft contractors are listening to some Skype calls. I'll go one step further.. Microsoft is very fond of Telemetry, so they're listening too. The program was cracked before they bought it.


AT&T customer? Employees took bribes to plant malware on the company network, as well as unlocking phones. I like the unlocking phones part..





Dear lefty:

• Why does my wife have more shoes than clothes?
• Because she's preparing to go clothes shopping.

A man proposed to his girlfriend by putting a ring on a cow's udder.
Ten points for creativity. Minus eight points for romance being dead.





THIEF!
The other day I noticed there were no cereal bowls. Ok, perhaps I didn't wash them or something.  Dear, have you seen any bowls lately? No? Where do you suspect they all went?  Bowl thieves? People from different dimensions popping in and stealing them for fun? People from the future, coming back and taking ours because there aren't any after the year 2502? Cereal Bowl Fairies? A cocker that takes them and buries them in the yard?

Sometimes I find dishes in ... different... places. Like the forks on the other side of the kitchen, near the tree limb lopper.  Tupperware outside, near the driveway. Coffee cups in the tub. Paper plates made into mock wind chimes, attached to the back of the car. Stuff like that....



It's not that our driving has gone to hell, nor is it our driving manners...
Ok, it IS.
There is a bad section of the Turnpike, where alleged repairs are being done on the road.
Undaunted, the drivers are knocking down the bright orange pylons and driving outside the traffic lanes.
Daunted, the drivers are pulling over, with mangled cars, from driving over repair detritus.
Instant Karma.



An indefinite 'security' lockdown is in place in the Indian-controlled portion of Kashmir.
This means the internet was shut off to avoid protests.
If you're ever curious why I'm so against any government control of the net, here it is.

• Amnesty International has issued a travel warning for the US
• The US has issued a Do Not Pay Attention warning for Amnesty International

There are already calls for Boris Johnson to resign and a no-confidence vote.
This makes the US and UK feel so alike, in spite of the distance between them.



Heard on tv
No matter what I wear, I'm afraid people will see my bladder leak underwear.



I'm in the waiting room at the doctor's office, minding my own business.
The couple across from me is listening to their voicemail at TOP VOLUME and commenting on it. This goes on forever. Since I'm socially retarded, I was hoping  you can help me choose the right thing to do

• scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP, you shameless bastards."
• say "If I wanted to hear idiots, I'd turn on the tv"
• pull down pants and masturbate furiously
• tell them to go home and molest their sheep

Bang Bang
Once again, bad people with guns shot good people (apparently) without them.
Everyone has sounded off on this; the people who think laws deter criminals, the people who don't want one restriction on their liberty, and the 'hate' crowd.

I'm going to sidestep that and look at the issues surrounding this.
Already, one social media platform has had (at least) its DDOS protection shut down. I haven't read the alleged hate-filled, motivating messages, but I think that unless the speech is illegal, they should be left alone [8chan posted the shooter's manifesto]. Shutting down DDOS protection clashes with my belief that private companies can do what they want - I admit it. But the alleged cesspool that is 8chan (never been there), should be left alone. Nothing 8chan said forced some mentally-questionable person to pick up a gun and shoot. Let's have some personal responsibility here. They're words. The problem is with actions.

Free speech includes speech with which you do not agree.
Posting whatever kind of crap online also helps you keep track of these loons. I'm sure social media platforms have algorithms that discover this kind of speech. Let the dummies continue to leave it out for everyone to see.

The above assumes you agree with the information put out after the shootings.
Some believe there's something else afoot. Your mileage may vary.


Related, you'll notice the official story changes here and there. The witness said 4 shooters, the press said 1 shooter. The witness said green pants, but the guy they arrested had brown pants. I am not telling you what this is, just telling you that it is.  Want to check up on what's happening? Usually the truth comes out first, then gets replaced with the official narrative. Go to your phone's software store and download a scanner app like Scanner Radio. You can set it to alert you when lots of people are listening to a particular scanner feed. You can also set it to BING when local police/fire are busy. There's no manual labor involved after you set the limits to alert you. You will hear what's happening first, from the mouths of the police there.

If you're at home, go to broadcastify.com to hear anything that the app can produce. It's a good site when you hear there's a problem. Another online resource is fox10phoenix.com  - they tend to have news earlier than others. Plus I like the climate there.

• If the dog wants something, she'll stand between her humans, barking urgently. This makes conversation difficult. If we throw a toy and it lands on a chair, she stands there and barks.
• There is not a single being in the house with an ounce of patience. Apparently opposites do not attract.
• Today we watched her stand still, then leap into the air to catch a bird. This works out well, because I don't have a camo outfit and shotgun to take her out huntin' with me.

In my quest to find as unbiased a news source as possible, I found a feed for Israeli news (i24). After spending 5 minutes there, I deleted it. It's not that they didn't like our president, but interviewed only people who disagreed with him, and asked questions indicating a left wing bias. After the shootings, they asked what he should do about mental health and apologizing for hate he caused.  Ok, no bias there. From the questions and answers, you'd think Trump pulled the trigger at both shootings. You'd also think that no one has an original thought, instead, waiting for programming from online to tell them what to do. I just want a little unbiased news. Again, I didn't vote for him, but the rampant bias is sickening. A friend said he didn't vote for Trump, but the behavior of his opponents makes him want to defend Trump and followers. He makes a point.

I support free speech, even in other countries, even when I don't agree.

I also support stopping aid to other countries, 100%, now. Oddly, as printed here before, Israel gets the most US aid of any country. Aid and news are not related - just irony today.

Just to drive the point home, I turned on Fox news and there was a commercial for the Ark exhibit. Click.



The Boss said the meeting would topic would be Ad Hoc.
What a terrible-sounding phrase. It sounds like you're clearing your throat, which must mean it's German. It's probably a declaration of love. AD HOC, fraulein!

Now let's have a go at the Chinese: bok choi.
It roughly translates to "We must fight acrobatically, out of sync"
Bok CHOI!



watching tv...
ME: Wow, she's pretty.
WIFE: She looks like a porn star.
ME: and the problem is...?



A Florida couple experienced a small after effect of a storm, when lightning hit close to their septic tank, blowing their toilet on its side. So if you've got a septic tank or a toilet, don't swim in them during a storm.



SJW Stuff

[Coalition for Women in Tech]
White Papers are racist.           [ok, I made that up, but it's not too far off]

Rosanna Arquette: 'I'm sorry I was born white and privileged. It disgusts me.'
This is a winner. I kept looking for a sign it was a joke, but no.

Hippos Wearing Tutus

The IRS has warned tax professionals to create data security plans.
This would have been a great thing for the cities that got hit with ransomware. Or just having good backups.

Which brings me to the same topic: You need a data security plan.

Let's simplify it a bit.. you at least need backups. Even if your phone stores your data In The Cloud, it's not enough - for the phone or anything else. There are many huge backup services In The Cloud that can back up your data automatically. I'm talking about your home computer/laptop(s), and phones. You want to have at least two backups, with at least one off premises. 

Create a scenario where there's a serious spike or brownout in your electricity, wreaking havoc on your home computer (s).  Even if your computers get blown up, you can buy new ones and reload your data from backups. If your data is In The Cloud, you can restore from there, but the data has been known to 'get lost', so your 2nd backup, perhaps burned to a CD at home, will restore.

If, heaven forbid, something happens to your house, a copy of your data In The Cloud or at a relative's house, or in a safety deposit box, will save your bacon. You can never be too careful with your data. You will instantly regret not doing this the first time your device dies.


Discovered on Reddit: malicious links leading to android ransomware. It's limited at this point, but could go wider. 

There is a new attack on driverless cars: a drone projects a stop sign or obstacle, so quickly you can't see it, but the car can. Because drones follow you.

Technically, Windows is an operating system, which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warming whatsoever, stop operating.  - Dave Barry

Dear lefty:

• I need more sex from my girlfriend of 2 months. Whenever I bring it up, she gets angry and we get nowhere. She used to be into it when we first met, but everything has gone to hell. I really love her and wonder what to do. What should I put on chocolate cake?
• Vanilla buttercream icing. To be authentic, just eat the icing. Cake is merely a delivery system for icing.

Hairy the Ginger Prince and Princess Megan announced they're only having two children, to help the planet.  Harry, Megan, do not fret. You're not that ugly or objectionable, so you won't be hurting the planet moreso.  Although influencing others not to breed might be worth it. On the other hand, if you're that worried about the planet, don't have any kids (you selfish royal, virtue-signalling bastards).

Meanwhile, Megan is reportedly looking at in-vitro fertilization.



I don't do sports, so the closest I get is the news:

• The ability to overlay ads on the field is appalling.
• How come female golfers don't look nearly as clownishly dressed as men?
• In the most recent election, the UK's Silly Party got 1% of the vote. This is usually an ugly sport, but it's so different from the US, where both parties are Silly.

Woodstock 50 will not happen. The celebration cash grab has had much trouble getting organized, with a financial backer pulling out early. With acts like Miley Cyrus and Jay Z, Jimi and Bill Graham were revolving in their graves.

• Watching the last few public appearances since the election, Boris "Cindy" Johnson's hair seems to have calmed down a bit. Rumor has it the Royal Lawnmower has gone tits up.

For some reason, known only to the Universe and Frank Zappa, I managed to get tickets to see ZZ Top. This was thwarted last time after trying 9 browsers and 3 operating systems. Customer service said to call the venue. The venue's hours make banks jealous. Using stripped down Chromium, I mostly succeeded. Except they told me the password was wrong. While resetting it, they told me I couldn't use an old password. Well if I couldn't use it, then it was correct in the first place, right? While waiting for the password reset, all the work I had done selecting the tickets was wiped out. When I got back in, those tickets were gone. I hate these companies with every fiber of my being. I hate the process. If every other site can be accessed by most browsers, why not Ticketmaster/Live Nation?

This is where it gets even more funner: there is a $17.50 'service fee', and a $5.00 'order processing fee' per ticket. Why do they do this? Because they can.

But wait - how would I like the tickets? Well, electronically on my phone would be fine. And halleleujah, free! Oh, too bad. They're not going to send me the actual emailed PDF files - it has to be viewed in their app. If they think I'm going to install their spyware on my phone, I suggest they hold their breath and wait for me. There are a number of other ridiculously-priced options. I finally had them mail the tickets to me, for $5.00. These people occupy the lowest rung of hell, just next to politicians and child molesters (redundant, I know).  By the time I'm done, there is the ticket price plus $20 per ticket in ridiculous fees.


Just for fun, I went to my state's drivers license site and found out one can renew a license online! Of course it took 3 browsers to find out one can't, because there's a certain time to do this and we're naturally outside of it. The 'solution' is to fill out a PDF. When the PDF comes up, one can check boxes, but not fill in text. This is about right for the state. So I have to download them, print them, fill them out, have them notarized, then mail them off. No problem, right?

Problem.

My $&#ing printer gave up the ghost a bit ago. My new printer. I don't have the time or desire to open it up and fix it, so I had to order a new one.  A certain huge electronics chain that I won't mention, but rhymes with Shmest Guy, has printers. Oops, the only ones in stock are the wrong kind, plus one that's twice what I want to spend. The site promises it can have the printer sent to the local store within a week, more or less (more). But they might consider shipping it to me, within a few days (depending on the weather and whether Mercury is in retrograde). So I have to get the printer, print forms, notarize, and send to the state. Then play America's Got No Talent til they get around to sending stuff back to me.

This is why I don't order online. Or leave the house. Or deal with the govt. Or consume diet anything.


UPDATE
After the successful ticket order, I made a successful printer order. They got it to me next day, I plugged it in and it worked perfectly. No drivers, nothing. We should play the lottery.  Notice that Best Buy's website allows me to order without Major Grief (he lives in my house). Not so much Ticketmaster/Live Nation.

• Bette Midler has declared herself a write-in candidate for president in 2020. Sorry, Bette, but your behavior mirrors the person you've been complaining about. We don't need more of that in the White House. Oh yeah, do you have a platform? Going to close the border to illegal aliens? Hollywood loves that. Uphold the Second Amendment? Change the national anthem to Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy?

SJW Stuff

In England, a woman was arrested after video surfaced of her shouting "Shame on you" at a Pride Parade. England is going down the toilet, starting with the Public Order Act, which means police can jail you for doing anything they don't like at the moment. Cursing will get you a ride, as will racial epithets.


CNN
Have you ever noticed the popularity of white robots? The reason for these shades of technological white may be racism, according to new research


The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, the House Democrats’ powerful campaign arm, has just abruptly purged half a dozen staffers. Why? Because they are white.   That's racist.

The Crux of the Biscuit

... is the apostrophe

-Frank Zappa, featuring Jack Bruce

The ProtonMail guide to taking control of your online privacy.

You can get a free email address that's encrypted and does not monitor your messages. A free VPN also exists.

With just a few characteristics, someone could identify you 99.98% of the time.

The Dutch government is really pissed at Microsoft for all the data slurping they do. After solutions were offered, the government discovered that mobile apps and Office online are still gathering information, as are some of the features in Win 10 Enterprise.

Meanwhile in the US, we can't get enough of MS. And data slurping.
You can turn off telemetry in Win 10 but it will keep sending certain data. Remember this as you type. Unless you use iOS (I think) or linux.

Female Privilege

The scene in the movie has 5 people pulling a raft from the ocean to the sand.

When I say 5 people, I mean 4 people are doing the pulling, and the lone female is jiggling behind, in a bikini top, laughing vacuously.

Who gets doors opened for them - house/shopping/car ?

When there's physical labor to be done, who is expected to not participate?

When does a man touch or remove his hat?

Who has the better mammalian protuberances?

Who isn't required to register for the draft?

If women truly want equality, they need to give up these things.

*I'm not suggesting this.

Dear lefty

• What is a heat index?
• This is when you're expecting 100 degrees but they aren't content with making you miserable... 'with the humidity, it feels like 107'. It's a conspiracy to cause unrest, funded by the air conditioning lobby.

You think your day was bad?
What about the driver of a van with over $80 million worth of crystal meth, who hit a police car at a police station?

Overheard

• If I were with her, she wouldn't be alone
• Baby's genitalia amputated after botched operation by nurse who claimed she was a doctor.

"Kabul seeks clarification in Trump talk of wiping out Afghanistan."
 ---> Go Boom

• Why does NASA tv have no sound?

Heroes of the Stupid

Someone tweeted: "Life is short, Steal a Walrus." MarineLand Canada sent the police to pay him a visit.

Bishop claims that a child becomes gay because parents had anal sex.

Under a new law, South Dakota will now require all public schools to display the "In God We Trust" motto; the display must be at least 12 inches by 12 inches in size - CBS News.  This will not survive a legal challenge. The religious advocates will not sit quietly until their symbols are everywhere. If anyone disagrees, they use the C card - everybody hates Christians.

The ACLU states plainly that trans people have the right to participate in sports consistent with who they are.

I'm not getting too involved here, but isn't there an ability gap when one gender competes with the opposite gender? Men are traditionally larger and stronger. If they transition, they're still larger and stronger. Put another way, if men tried to join women's sports, I'd be upset too. Technically I wouldn't - I don't do sports, but let's pretend, shall we?

SJW Stuff

Oregon approved 'mental health days' for school students.

How Armstrong's “giant leap for mankind” helped perpetuate inequality—on Earth and beyond.

Democrat State Representative Says Men Should Be Castrated to End Abortions, Taxed to Store Their Sperm

A gay artist's work was pulled from a North Wales gallery after police were called, and the work branded homophobic.

Two women were kicked off Twitter for 'misgendering'. For calling a trans woman 'he', after she spewed insults at them. This is the Canadian woman who filed a human rights complaint against 19 salon workers for refusing to do a Brazilian on her (male) equipment. While Twitter has every right to run its business this way, think about what happened: they got banished permanently for misgendering someone. Next up: book burning, then lynching.





I got used to missin her,
I practice all the time.
  -ZZ Top  Pan Am Highway Blues

Boris Johnson? Boris Freakin Johnson?

Boris Johnson won the election for the Conservative Party. This means he will be Prime Minister, but not now, for reasons nobody, including British citizens, can figure out. First there will be the initiation, with the male MPs, wooden paddles, and the Donkey Show. His official song will be Boris the Spider, by The Who.

This means the UK has normalized Interesting Hair. The Ministry of Silly Hats is worried for its future under Brexit. Perhaps out of spite, most of Mr. Johnson's hair was where it should have been today. It turns out the lawnmower wouldn't start this morning. Even liberals are paying attention, because they want to know what Boris' hair got up to today.

The only controversy thus far is that the UN met last week and decided that there can only be one Boris, and Mr. Yeltsin has already been there. Replacement name suggestions have been floated:  Bob, Chauncy, Spot, and Cindy.

The acceptance speech was full of energy and promised decreased spending for education, social services, horse racing, Very Large Hats, and kebab shops. In a nod to Vermin Supreme, everyone will get a free* pony or a free toothbrush, because oral hygiene is a strong metaphor for government. Joyful at the announcement, the audience clapped, reservedly hooted, and men kissed other men.

* not free


Man on the Street interviews featured men, well dressed, saying important-sounding things in strange accents. I could make out the word 'exit' a lot.

Woman on the Street interviews featured hats so large, they couldn't fit in the shot, so there were two disembodied voices, being political, and not being seen. Boris was elated, remarking that women shouldn't be seen OR heard. Note to women on tv: that face makeup really does wonders for you - it puts the rose back in your cheeks and makes you look almost normal. The failure to apply it to your neck makes your neck glow, like a geek who never sees the sun, in a graveyard, under a black light.

Critics were immediately heard, in the form of outraged MPs, demanding to see if the liberal party has less frightening-looking women than the conservative party. They said 'exit' a lot too. This must be some sort of political keyword, because it's used all over the place. The American correspondent's mic was muted, so all you heard was 'what are these people talking about' and a lot of giggling. The Irish correspondent said something about Resisting taking the Exit train over the edge, which caused even more laughter from the American correspondent. The promised Horse on the Street interview never materialized.



Sky News will feature videos of Boris' youth*, around age 6, with him running around shirtless, with friends. This goes to show the fix was in when he was little; and that he does have friends.

* I'm not kidding.



Watch out, UK - it's our turn!

Your Car is Racist

Things must be getting interesting in England, where candidate Boris Johnson (R-New Jersey) has just been accused of racism and stoking unrest. Gee, where have we heard something like this before?  Tune in next week for The Bizarre Hair Club for Men special.


Today in the news, there is none.
CNN is in hysterics, trying to cram everyone who has negative things to say about Trump running for re-election on the air.
FOX is overjoyed with the announcement, running clips from the rally and having a giggle at other 'news' outlet clips, every one damning Trump.

So it's SNAFU - Situation Normal, All F'd Up.

But wait, there's actually a development....
FOX has a bible study program.
A bible study program.

Well, it's their station, their clear bias, but a bible study program?
I'm certain it's trademark Fox, but putting cameras in the study says something about the network as well as the participants. If I were in that group, I'd strenuously object because cameras change things and I wouldn't want my private thoughts and feelings aired on tv (I have a blog for that - STOP IT!).

Not even an illusion of propriety.




Blighty

• Another candidate for Minister of Prime Beef is a fellow who looks like Howdy Doody, always smiling, with lips that don't entirely make it over his teeth. If he wins, how will the good people of the UK know when he is happy or sad? He'd have to hire a press secretary to report bad news because he always looks happy about it.
• Do you hear that? It was the sound of my British reader closing this site for the last time.
• The duke and duchess of TV Coveridge, Henry or Harry something, are getting praise for their work with the elderly. The other day, a motorcycle in their security detail taught an 83 year old woman how to fly. The security motorcycle hit her and up she went. What goes up came right down, and now she's in the hospital ('in hospital' in British). The duke and duchess, asked for comment, said, "The woman had a lot of nerve, being in the way of our security detail.  At her age, she should know better. We'll invite her to the palace and introduce her to the Queen's stunt double. That should keep the lawsuits down to a minimum. Oh, is this microphone on?"

645,000 clients are affected in Oregon Department of Human Services data breach. It started as a phishing expedition and an employee bit. Human engineering is a huge security hole that can't be reliably plugged. This stuff ain't new.

Dear lefty:

• Why are women of color objecting to dictionary.com's definition of black?
• Because 'words hurt'. The people complaining lack basic knowledge of language and comprehension.

“If a young Black person saw and learned these definitions for ‘Black,’ they would be unintentionally learning to hate themselves. The statement: Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words do not, is untrue,”...

Trojan, world famous maker of latex hand warmers, has a new social media campaign: if you're one of the 59% of men who are unhappy with the shape or size of your hand, comment with [hash]PrideInMine.

Yes, you can advertise to millions that your appendage is tiny and misshapen. It will also do wonders for your love life. Win/win.

• Two drones have been downed near Iran. These cost $180 million each. Your tax dollars at work.

There is a charity in England that gives out free healthcare for pets of the homeless. This is a wonderful humanitarian gesture. And I'm thinking of how much we've spent on vet care/cancer treatment....

• The Supreme Court has ruled that a large cross monument to WWI soldiers can stand in Maryland. They consider it history moreso than religion. 
• This is the Supreme Court. Aren't they supposed to uphold the First Amendment, among others? 
• Rest assured if someone put an upside down cross there as a monument, we wouldn't be having this discussion. 
• All veterans deserve a monument.

It could be worse: you could live in Horry County, South Carolina.

• We noticed an elderly lady with some brightly colored doodads on her walker. When Mrs lefty complimented her, her daughter said, "She's 102."
• We asked the lady about her secret for long life, as she was walking out of the Red Meat Emporium.
• When I make 102, if my helper announces my age to every stranger who walks by, I will run her over with my walker. And again with my car.

Note to Libertarian party members:

We have a better chance than ever to make numbers this election. We definitely dropped the ball last time. Amid calls for donations and advocacy, let's take a page from the business world: dress for success.  It kills me to make appearances a key point, but it's reality. My last search for candidates showed a broad swath, mostly dressed like and looking like a loose IT department. Let's stop looking like mountain folk and groups with cotton candy-colored hair if we want to be taken seriously. While suits don't convey ability, you had better wear one to a job interview. Why don't I knock on doors or carry signs? Because I look like some sort of rock star reject, and wouldn't want people to think this is what we are. I scare people. 

When we debate, just showing up is points. Standing next to the established party clowns should be of immense help on its own. Knowing talking points and having enthusiasm are also mandatory. Let's not repeat Gary; that was an opportunity to score big.

We should also have a VP candidate that isn't a republican and doesn't identify strongly with them in interviews and practice.

It's a long, tough road, with established parties throwing up roadblocks because they're scared of us. As our numbers get higher, libertarian points are starting to creep into the established platforms. At very least, that's where we can do some good. We're not going to win for a long time, but we're making inroads and getting heard. Now all we have to do is let half of the country know there is another party.

Be safe out there and vote FOR, not against.

My Hair Hurts

Theresa May has announced she'll be stepping down as Prime Minister of England. Insiders say that she was unable to get the country to stand by its own vote.

A likely candidate is Boris Johnson. This guy is a shoe-in because his hair looks like he was attacked by a lawnmower: it will bring the UK and the US closer in follicles.

• Trump allows Barr to declassify surveillance documents around the Russia investigation. Perhaps if we send postcards, he'll declassify ufo documents.

Dear lefty:

• Why do I have trouble with relationships?
• You're too clingy. That and your micro-penis.

Making dietary changes is hard. We shouldn't have to do it... it lowers quality of life. Candy and CocaCola is a perfectly nutritious breakfast, but nooooo..... After that special diet most of my life, I had to make sacrifices. People used to tell me that sugar is poison. They don't tell me that anymore because they're afraid of getting hit. Again. They don't understand the sacrifices I've made... Morning coffee is sacred to everyone. I went from three tablespoons of sugar to two teaspoons. I'm still shaking, after a year. Don't let anyone tell you it's easy.

• In Australia, a man was fined at the airport for not declaring his nuts. Perhaps he identifies as female. Regardless - be proud.. show your nuts!

A man allegedly hiding drugs in his rectum accidentally shot himself in the testicles. That's the ugliest case of gender confusion ever.

• Florida (YAY!) banned 'childlike' sex dolls. 
• Florida is God's Waiting Room - what would they do with.... ewwww

The Georgia Supreme Court ruled that the state has no obligation to protect personal information. They did, however, restate that they have an obligation to take your money and fritter it away on any old thing, then raise your taxes.  Privacy - from the people who brought you the DMV.

• ThermionicEmissions applauds Gillette for inclusiveness, in its commercial about a father teaching his trans son to shave. Inclusiveness: what we all want to see.

Through the mid 80s, there were scheduled burns of garbage at Area 51. These were toxic materials from the Stealth program. Employees started developing cancer and demanded information. (Mr.) President Clinton signed an order stating that Area 51 was off-limits for investigations, on national security grounds. People continue to die, but it's a patriotic death - for national security. 

• If you live with someone who has ADD and you're bored, buy a house fan. While putting it together, put the front on upside down, so the logo is upside down. THIS is why I'm going to hell.