Where is the Central Scrutinizer when you need him?

Your love is like  a cluster of kidney stones

The Air Force’s Drones Can Now Recognize Faces. Uh-Oh.

Isn't that nice? Technology helps the Spy State. But think of the satellites!

Today I identify as  a Girl Scout. Several Girl Scouts.

They say that during certain events, time slows down.

Turns out they're right. I noticed this the other night, attempting to ascend stairs with a large, damp load of laundry. A few steps up, time slowed down as I realized I was going to go backwards, down the steps, without touching any of them. Perhaps I was jealous of Wife's attempt to punish concrete with her head, so I took a shot at it.

I was aware of everything. I had a lot of thoughts, which is sometimes odd for me. Of course I can't remember what any of them were, but I'm sure they were pithy and worthy of thought. I did wonder what sort of damage I'd do to the concrete. I felt each body part hit the floor. Mostly I was worried I might not be around to celebrate Black History Month, which Work notified us of a few hundred times. 

As my adventure ground to a halt, I was pleasantly surprised my cranium did not attempt to damage the floor. A lot of my thinkin' goes on in there. Well, the thinkin that doesn't happen in my butt or my genitals. Mostly I was proud that I was still holding onto the laundry and had not dropped a single damp piece. Because you know that as soon as I brought it up, I would be told it's too damp - take it downstairs and run it through the dryer again. Barring any fatal future falls, I will be here for the entirety of Black History Month. Still no Left Handed History Month.

Which reminds me... my email filters at work seem to be failing, as I got a Black History Month email. Maybe because it was one from one of the Head Honchos. I have all announcements sent to the dump, perhaps by one person. It would be most unfortunate if she sent out an email titled FIRE FIRE - EVACUATE, and I didn't see it because all her emails go to trash. None of this has anything to do with my job, including Nepalese History Month.

Still no Left Handed History Month.

Hey, if you're a T-Mobile customer, here's some news for you:

Hackers Claim They Breached T-Mobile More Than 100 Times in 2022

T-Mobile admitted to 2 breaches, so that's about right.

I'd change to a different carrier if I were you.

"Come to T-Mobile, where our prices are great and our security... isn't."

I know you're sitting there, wondering if the Oscars will be safe for Chris Rock this year,  Worry no more - the Oscar people have put a security team in place for all emergencies. They've trained for all eventualities, except real emergencies, like earthquakes and the refreshment counters being out of Diet Pepsi.

This tool lets you see how much time and money is wasted commuting

It does not let you see how much time and money is wasted playing with the tool.

Every now and then I feel sorry for someone I can't stand or fail to get.

Today's person is Justin Bieber.

He's got some facial paralysis from shingles. He got shingles from a defective chickenpox shot when he was a child. Wanna bet the pox vaccine manufacturer pays for this? 

Because I feel bad for him, I won't even say anything about him desperately wanting to be black, but getting religion instead (because they're so closely related). The sad part is that he plays left handed. I bet he has less trouble getting guitars than I do.

Conversations with my dog 

Me: Why do you stand on Mommy's head in the middle of the night?

Her: to get her to take me outside.

Me: Do you have to go outside?

Her: Not usually.

Me: Then why do you do it?

Her: Just to see if she'll wake you.

Me: She doesn't

Her: That's why I sometimes sleep on your chest.

Kansas’ rights bill angers left with its definition of ‘woman’

The republicans are at it (again). This time they want an objective definition of woman, specifically to preserve single-sex areas such as public restrooms, school sports, prisons and shelters. Strangely, the measure is opposed by transgender rights advocates. Who saw that coming?

“It simply says that in existing statute or law, where there is a definition of sex, it means biological male and female as determined at birth.

Reps claim it's factual and objective. Cuz they're always looking out for us and making things.. uh... easier. Yeah, that's it, easier. Again, nothing better to do. If their work is done, send them home. The silliest argument from the Control Side is that trans people will go to the 'wrong' restroom and perform bad physical acts, not having anything to do with excretion. My last job, at the Twilight Zone, actually allowed this.The end result was everybody using their originally assigned restroom. Some of the women were worried. Your coworker is more concerned with his full bladder than anything you have in or on you. The most vocal opponents were the people who were... be polite... least likely to be 'assaulted.' I was in favor of women in the men's rooms. It would be pretty funny watching them use the urinals. As if one single female ever walked in that door, no matter how long the line at the ladies'. I didn't care who came in the men's room - it didn't affect the point of my visit. We had one lady who complained about something or other going on in the men's room. I suggested not looking in there. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best solution.

What do you suppose would happen if the bill went through and a man identifying as a woman was put in with all the men. I could see things going bad quickly. That's a genuine concern for safety. It also bothers me when women insist on being Boy Scouts. Yes, they won a lawsuit, giving them the right to be groped too, but you'll notice no suit allowing boys to be Girl Scouts. I'd go for that job, but they would want to alter the uniform in spots (even if I identified as female). Plus all the cookies I can eat sell. Sports? I don't want to see anybody get hurt, which essentially means football should be shut down altogether. I guess if there were no female team and the girl was of the same weight class. And she could give as good as she got, because there would be razzing/hazing.They definitely won't be making her wear her jock strap on her head. They'll have to have breast pads made, because she'll constantly be tackled from the breasts. On the other hand, she could completely divert attention while her team scores.

In any case, this is just another example of the religious party wanting to control everything. These are usually the people caught doing what they complained about. (see Television Evangelists). 5 years after the bill passes, one of the male sponsors will be caught, crossdressed, in the ladies' room. The worst part will be that he just didn't pull it off well; he made a very unattractive woman.

Reps/Dems - 2 sides of the same warped coin.

Speaking of which, the reps should be all over this:

Pregnant US inmate seeks jail release because fetus is ‘innocent’

Stupid and ballsy. You have to give her credit. She claims the fetus is being 'held unlawfully.'

The state should countersue because she put the fetus in danger when she allegedly murdered a woman.

This is like a soap opera. Court TV can cover it, with their highest ratings since OJ (has he found the killer yet?).  The father-to-be hired the attorney on behalf of the fetus. I don't know about you, but I want to hear the attorney's conversations with the fetus. Perhaps it will just take the fifth on everything.

Keeping firearms out of easy reach key to preventing military suicides

There's so much here, we'll have to break it down.

• Rather than dealing with the cause of military suicides, we'll hide the guns
• Hey, isn't the military supposed to be armed? Captain, our troops are being slaughtered on the battlefield. Why? Because we took away their guns so they wouldn't commit suicide. Wait, we took away their guns so they wouldn't commit suicide with them. They're free to commit suicide by running out onto the battlefield unarmed. Sir, something's wrong with this, but I can't put my finger on it.
• Recommendations included raising the purchase age to 25 on bases. So people under 25 will have to find a different way to kill themselves.
• a seven-day waiting period to purchase a gun. So they have to wait 7 days to kill themselves.
• another four-day waiting period to purchase ammunition. Because we're going to just disregard the 2nd Amendment.
• The levels this research went to were deep, and deeply flawed. When civilians try to suicide, we don't hide the medicines or steak knives. They get counseling. But I guess when you give people guns and tell them to KILL, stuff just happens. We only value our human assets while they're employed. Afterwards, it's their problem.
• VP Kamila Harris said that only people of color should be allowed to have guns on base
• UC Berkeley said they're not happy with guns, especially if Jews have them.

Like most things in life, there is a corresponding Monty Python sketch, which I can't find on video.

I'd like to leave the army, sir.

Why, Jenkins?

It's dangerous, Sir. 

Why did you join the army in the first place?

For the travel, Sir. 

One of the paltry few rock radio stations here announced their weekend program, which is Greatest Rock Singers. Hmmm... who are the greatest and what's the criteria - range, tightness of clothes, biggest bulge, most groupies? Ok, I'll take a shot...in no particular order, and you'll disagree...

1. Robert Plant
2. Gregg Allman
3. Joe Cocker
4. Freddie Mercury (Queen)
5. Paul Rodgers (Bad Company)
6. Ann Wilson (Heart)
7. Sass Jordan
8. Janis Joplin
9. Delbert McClinton
10. Susan Tedeschi (Tedeschi Trucks)

It should really be called Favorite Singers. If you haven't heard some of the above, check them out on YouTube. A great side effect of the 'contest' is that we can check out some singers we might not know about.

Dear Pennsylvania Voters 

You think I'm just a conspiracy theorist. Here's some solid information. I'll present it to you in order.

John Fetterman was Governor Tom Wolf's lieutenant, advocating lockdowns and arbitrary 'essential' businesses during The Flying AIDS panic. This alone should preclude voting for him.

Fetterman runs against Dr. Oz, who tried to blitz Fetterman about his poor health.

Fetterman said his health was not a problem, in halting stroke-affected speech.

People hated Oz so much, they voted for Fetterman. Or they hated republicans so much. Or both.

Oops, Fetterman was hospitalized twice in the 6 weeks since the election, one for lightheadedness, one recently on the recommendation of Congress' attending physician.

Fetterman has privately acknowledged that his health is worse than he publicly acknowledged.

In other words, he lied. And got into office. Usually the liars and thieves don't get caught this early in their terms. Impeach.

His wife, best described as his staunch supporter, defender, and pit bull, took the kids and went to Canada, as of the most recent hospitalization, perhaps to avoid the press. 

We wish him the best of health and hope for a full recovery. And we want him out of office.

Bridge Over the River Teeth

 

Your love is like  a quick dip in molten iron

• I sure picked a bad week for my Ukraine vacation

And speaking of family, I was always the black sheep. This is ironic, as I'm about as pasty white as they come. There are many areas of me that have never seen the sun. Since you have to eat eventually, I shall not mention which ones they are. In any case, I discovered at a young age that I didn't have to go to events with the family. Since I'm only 95% bastard, I wondered what everyone would think of me. After a few years, I realized this whole scheme worked out for me. No, really. Because when I showed up, they were even happier to see me. I became valuable for my rarity, like an SJW admitting they were wrong about something. It got even worse, much to the chagrin of my parents and wife: people accepted and celebrated my lack of presence... "Oh, lefty's his own person... we respect him for it." One could argue they celebrate my lack of presence because they don't have to look at me, but I'm not going there today.

They're not bad people.  I am.

Today I identify as  Black History Month

I got up this morning and looked out the window to see which distinct shade of gray it was outside. The prase "abject misery" presented itself. It's a fairly good description, I think; Abject Misery Gray, with everything frozen. My first email brought the news that an a dear friend lost a pet and an old coworker lost her life. Abject Misery, indeed.

I suspect all this misery can be traced to getting out of bed. I should avoid it.

Heading football and head impacts ‘change blood patterns in brain’

Next studies: 

• Guns fired through heads bad for brains.
• Grass green, sky stubbornly remains blue.
• Air useful for breathing
• Politicians suspected of being crooked

A National Vaccine Pass Has Quietly Rolled Out – And Red States Are Getting On Board

No, that's just conspiracy theory.

But the CDC cut mask recommendations.

They'd never do that!

Told you so.

BUT WAIT!!!!

Govt suggests Brits should hand passports to social media companies

Flying AIDS News 

Catching a flight? You’ll still need a mask despite the CDC’s new guidance.

Pfizer, Moderna and Other Drugmakers Make Billions Responding to Covid-19 Pandemic

Covid-19 is killing more people now than during most of the pandemic. Here's who's still at risk

The COVID-19 pandemic is not an on-off switch

How Taiwan used simple tech to help contain Covid-19

 

Vaccines: What we know about long-term safety now

CDC issues new guidance on mask use

My appeals to readers to tell their friends about the blog have failed.

I have another idea. I call it The Other Idea. I ask the readers to tell their friends NEVER to read this blog, and send them the url (https://leftystrat.blogspot.com)

Sheer. Marketing. Genius.

Windows: It's not an operating system, it's a virus 

This morning the work system couldn't find my account. The same account I shut down the computer with the previous evening. It ate up thirty minutes of time. Again, I don't do anything to the computer except work. I have no interest in Windows and the computer is so locked down, I couldn't do anything if I wanted to. I think it senses my feelings and is giving me grief just for fun.

Workmates just laugh at me now, moreso, when this happens. The other day the Boss got nailed with a series of reboots. That's some validation fer ya.

Just so the morning shouldn't be totally lost, I was unsubscribed from a mailing list, for reasons the list owner can't figure out, and some of the work boxes are on Slowdown. I don't bother asking anybody, because they'll just tell me, "I dunno. Works fine for me."

• Twenty seasons of Americans Idle
• is there anything we can do to redeem ourselves?
• while also dumping The Masked Furry? 

Unlike my brother, who cannot brush his teeth if his electric toothbrush isn't charged, I'm good regardless, with one minor exception: when there is no toothbrush. Sometime between last night and this morning, my toothbrush disappeared. I looked all around the areas it might be... kitchen, attic, car trunk, but nothing. No ransom note. No coupons for different brands. But it ain't over til I ask Wife. Perhaps she found a more 'logical' place for it, like the basement. Or inside a tire. The only problem I foresee is that she has the memory of... an acid fanatic who dissociates. She will remember she put it somewhere, but not where. This is why I have a closet with four electric toothbrushes at any time. For extreme emergencies. I have ten regular old toothbrushes buried under the house, but I don't tell her where. 

I asked where's the weirdest place you had a pimple.

No one answered.

Today I located one on the inside of my antitragus. Then I had to look up 'external ear parts' to find the name of the place. If there's one thing they don't teach you in public school, it's the names of the external ear parts.

As to how I discovered the pimple... that's classified.

I used to see weird stuff on tv, like old movies with small towns, where everyone knew you and all service was personalized. Not sure how it happened, but we have one or two small businesses (that haven't been killed by the Flying AIDS), with great local service. Turns out we like it. Phone calls to let us know something might be expensive, to let us know doctor finally got around to calling, or would we like another medicine that is due at the same time. Penny's vet, formally Marshall's vet, where we walk in and everyone stops what they're doing to say hi to Penny. I wasn't ready for it, but now wouldn't want to be without it. At Christmas. we take treats in for the staff of these places. I would not have survived small town life, as they'd probably be too curious about the tank on my front lawn, but this seems like a good mix. Plus I always send out my Good Will Ambassador, Mrs. lefty, who everyone loves. 

If I were ever in a small town, I'd need one with diagonal parking in front of the stores. You know.. where there are a bunch of stores in a strip and parking out front. Instead of pulling straight in, the parking spots are diagonal. I cannot tell you why I like this but I feel I need to have it. The only problem would be that every time I parked, some ass with a huge SUV would park next to me, so I couldn't see oncoming cars as I backed out. This is kind of a metaphor for life.

• The US and UK will never truly be equal until we settle the asshole/arsehole thing

Russian space chief says he could let International Space Station crash into US if sanctions proceed

Well, aren't we all goofy today?

We'll crash all the Russian spy satellites into Russia

We'll cut off their toilet paper 

We'll send them Russian language Windows.

Look at that.

What?

That.

What?

Those old train tracks.

What about them?

They were part of the Underground Railroad

Did your mommy get any experimental shots before you were born?

• Sperm Banks Struggle to Recruit Black Donors and Other Donors of Color
• Can I donate? I identify as black sometimes. Black babies with no sense of rhythm will probably tip them off...

Black History Month has ended.

Still no Left Handed History Month 

Apple is said to be working on a foldable MacBook/iPad hybrid device

Easier to get in the trash receptacle...

This is fast becoming the Apple Fanboi Blog

Because this is day 9 of the week, the sugar has been moved.

Because the sugar has been moved, I can't find it.

Because I can't find the sugar, my coffee is not drinkable.

Because I also can't find Wife, the sugar will not be discovered this morning.

In the fridge, there is no flavored creamer to sweeten the coffee up.

Except coconut. And pumpkin spice.

Like I said, there is no flavored creamer to sweeten the coffee up.

Strangely, there are some cold frapuccinos.

So now my coffee is cold and sweet, but at least it's not bitter.

And I have created a wormhole in time and space by using coffee to sweeten coffee.

• Mark Zuckerberg Says He Is ‘Aware’ He Will Die Someday, Discusses Meaning of Life
• c'mon Lord Zuck - you will never die. We're just hoping to get abort your baby.

UPDATE on Spices: the spices wound up across the kitchen, but the garlic moved within reach. And then it moved again, possibly across the kitchen, but I don't know. When I asked, the bay leaves appeared, which were of no help to anybody. The allspice showed up too, but nobody ever uses allspice, nor knows what it is. We seem to have acquired some of those spice rack thingies that look like steps. Oddly, I know where they are, which of course is not where the spices are.

I am thinking of chugging the vanilla extract and being done with it.

I will need some sort of intercom-like device to track down Wife whenever I need to find something. Let's see... like... I know - a phone!  Oh wait, she never knows where her phone is. Back to the drawing board.

Four rescue dogs since we've been in the house, Penny being the latest. Since she was a stray, we have no idea what's up with her. The only problem we ever had was her going NUTS and trying to eat other dogs. Now there's another: sometimes she barks at me when I get into bed. Or when something falls and makes a noise. Or when I get mad. This is a problem, because I wake up mad. Somebody use to abuse her. This angers us.  Must be weird to get a dog from a responsible breeder, with no built-in issues. This way you're free to cause your own issues.

I had to pick something up from the drug store that rhymes with PVS.

Unfortunately the store only existed in reality, not online. The store maps show there are a lot of stores, just not there, or within ten miles of there. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but I drive past this store 3 days a week. My hallucinations, while pretty good, do not generally pull up an entire drug store, down to the OPEN TIL signs, a few handicapped parking spots, and the handicapped workers.

So I figured I'm going to trust in reality and that they haven't demolished the store in the past few hours. I'm guessing on their hours. And according to their site, although the store isn't there, they carry the product I need. We're down to quantum mechanics and I desperately need Mr. Spock. Or Stephen Hawking.

And when I say they carry product I need, I mean they don't have the product I need. I spent a while looking for it, because of my incredible ability to not see things in front of me. When I was certain it was not there, I decided to try my luck with someone on staff. Their staff is usually a pleasure. Unfortunately, I got Dave. Dave actually teaches a PVS course in How Not To Get Out from Behind the Register, or help anyone, without actually seeming to be unhelpful.

ME: Hi, I'm looking for this product, what I have here on my phone, in living color.

CASHIER: Yes, that will be in aisle 4.

ME: Thank you, I was just there, but couldn't find it.

CASHIER: Oh, we're out of it.

ME: No, you don't even have a spot for it

CASHIER: Oh, then we don't carry it.

ME: Oh, that's a shame. Your website shows it.

CASHIER: Maybe we don't carry it here. Other PVSes might have it.

ME: Thank you, Dave. You're really good. Do you have any bridges you'd like to sell me? Have a good night.

Dave is a Retail God. If I told him I had a birthday cake personalized for him, with candles, Dave would say he didn't have any matches. If Godzilla came down the street, turning the store on its side, Dave would still be there, anchored at his register. There is only one thing that will move Dave, and that's the closing bell.

SO, I can call every PVS in the area, go to PVS Online and pray it's the right product, even though it has the same name and price, or go to Amazon. It wouldn't be a big deal, but I need it asap to prevent Spousal Wars, and the new M15s have just arrived. And the heat-seeking lasers.

That's not a Divot, it's a Small Aircraft

Your love is like  drinking bleach to kill the Flying AIDS

• Don’t be afraid to shoot for the stars. Even if you fall short, you could make it to the moon! Sadly, the nature of its atmosphere would kill you almost instantly. Have a nice day, anyway.     --Pat Sajak  [@patsajak]

Today I identify as  a CIS trans lesbian

In the Late to the Party department, the groundhog did its thing, as it is wont to do. As usual, it was horribly depressed, saw clouds, and thought about shooting itself to end the pain. It thought better because it might miss the important parts of its brain and render itself still alive, but a cripple.

Because the Sun Never Shines in Philadelphia.

I feel accomplished or something. I finally got a look down the shirt of a dental tech where I go. It was not my fault - she bent over. Naturally she wasn't the good looking one. But still... boobs is boobs.  This office is weird. Maybe because they're all skinny or size their uniforms correctly or, heaven forbid, don't want to show off their mammalian protuberances. I can't even see their faces because of the damn breathing arrestors (masks). You know the most beautiful eyes there don't show that she has a mustache. Judging from some of the arm hair, it's thicker than mine.

Don't call me sexist - every tech there is now complaining about their patients being ugly, like lefty. "Maybe he should keep his breathing arrestor ON."

While I'm waiting for my emergency dental appointment, I don't really care what they look like - just that they're really good at what they do. The tooth that hurt like hell now doesn't. The pain has migrated to a different tooth, as well as the palate. And a headache that feels like someone with an industrial drill took a 3/4" bit and has been drilling for hours. If huge amounts of ibuprofen didn't help, I'd be in the emergency room.

UPDATE 

The dentist spent too much time discovering I needed a lot more numbing than normal people, drilled a bit, and told me it had to come out. I sincerely hoped she was talking about the tooth. Afterwards, she patted me on the back and said that was it. I had to speak up, because apparently my tears weren't sufficient to get the point across. IT HURT. REALLY BADLY. I begged for ibuprofen. So they gave me acetaminophen. Which covered about 20% of the pain. At home, a handful of ibuprofen later, and I could at least function. And it hurt. Really badly. I may have to dip into my 497 sick days. I also have to remember that antibiotics can mess with birth control pills....

• Don't forget - it's Black History Month
• still no left handed history month..
• by the way - if you wish to celebrate Black History Month at work, I wouldn't go with anything but a button. Many were disciplined for wearing Mexican hats on Mexican History Month. No dreads. No fro. No rap getups. No lamp chains around your neck. Nothin. And please, God, no watermelon.

Flying AIDS News 

Community furore after police stop St Bernadette’s Glendalough church service to check masks

Ottawa Fears Vaccine Protest Has Morphed Into an Occupation

Omicron BA.2: What we know about the Covid sub-variant

Europe entering Covid pandemic 'ceasefire', says WHO

For T-cells, omicron is nothing unusual

A faulty immune response may be behind lingering brain trouble after COVID-19

I just went past a car with two occupants, both wearing masks.

These people are allowed to drive on the same roads as the rest of us.

• Woman applauded after giving birth on transatlantic flight
• Unfortunately a fight broke out because the baby wasn't wearing a mask 

The UK is spending 1.4 billion pounds (14 grams Canadian) on a Space Laser "to bolster our interests in space." Boy will they be sorry when they realize they have no interests in space.

Between the spy satellites, the communications satellites, the Chinese satellites which can literally devour other satellites (James Bond, anyone?) and the Space Lasers, we have created a Space Traffic Jam the likes of which no planet has ever seen. Yes, we militarized space, but then we took our poor road planning and traffic jams there too!

Once again, the aliens watching us are shaking their heads. No other planets or associations want to meet us because of what we've done to the planet. Their only interest is keeping us from getting out past the Moon, to do damage elsewhere. As if monitoring our television and seeing The Masked Furry wasn't enough. The gray aliens will continue to stick things up our butts and the black aliens will continue to date Kardashians. Other than that, it's Hands Off.

Speaking of which, Israel is developing a laser-based interceptor, to demolish more local threats, like drones. Even poor African nations are getting into the Space Weapons Race. The United Nations has a rotation of Space Traffic Reporters to let all countries know if they can proceed and using what routes. 

Welcome to UN radio. We'll get right back to our feature, Fauci Said I Had to Wear a Mask to Bed, after this traffic report from our ace reporter, Johnny 'Slowdown' Bugger. Johnny?

There is a bad Space Jam on planet route 95 due to volume. There is no alternate route, so expect your satellite to take quite a while to orbit. Route 87 has a four parsec backup due to a Chinese satellite with a flat antenna. We recommend using the bypass. Finally, Interplanet 78 has random slowdowns because Space Force is hiding behind internet satellites and giving out speeding tickets. Back to you, Bob.

• do you have the [whatever it takes] to wink at someone?
• much like dancing and sports, I just look stupid.

NSA watchdog finds 'concerns' with searches of Americans' communications

You had no say in a special court and they ignore it anyway. This is not the government you signed up for. Are you shocked yet?

Havana Syndrome may be caused by ‘directed energy’

A very short time after it was declared to be caused by things equivalent to swamp gas, all of the sudden it may be caused by 'directed' energy. Of course it's something like directed energy. It's what they've always done. To put it down to a psychological cause is disingenuous. 

International Space Station will plummet to a watery grave in 2031

• Expected to come down in the Pacific, maybe, but other countries are still in the running. NASA has an unofficial poll, with a $50 entry fee.
• NASA says to 'just ignore' those radioactive bits - it will dissipate in a few million years
• stay away from the Russian section - they were always short of toilet paper
• it's about the size of a football field, so if it misses the Pacific Ocean, you're pretty much screwed.
• the plant growing experiments got a little out of hand, so if one of them talks to you, you should probably leave it alone.
• does not come with the attached alien ship, batteries not included, do not fold, spindle, or mutilate, without the express written permission of the NFL

When someone with multiple personalities watches "Three Faces of Eve" or "Sybil," does it set up a feedback loop and change reality as we know it? 

Tesla should put together a weekly newspaper because of all their problems. Hey, wait, ThermionicEmissions is kinda their weekly newspaper. This week we feature the recall of 817,143 vehicles because the seatbelt chimes are rather more silent than they should be. If I owned a Tesla, I wouldn't take it back: I don't want to hear from my car if the seatbelts aren't in use. Seatbelts seem to be useful for getting caught in the door and not allowing it to close (plus holding your dead body in the car). These are particularly amusing, as they freak out if you have a dog in the seat. At twenty-some pounds, they can't decide if someone is sitting in the seat or not. 

Can You Take a Look at My Pancreas for a Minute?

 Your love is like  Mike Rowe's dirtiest jobs

It's February... have we managed to stop writing 2020 yet?

• Tide has taken another step for safety by putting a locking top on their pods.
• Still no way to keep teens out of it.

Today the president put together a cybersecurity team. Starting at $10 billion. Not one to let dead hyenas remain, he wants to put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill. And Mickey Mouse on the $1 bill. He let Kamala make her first command decision today. She said to the military commanders, "Boys, I want you to get a list of countries we're not at war with. Then I want you to start dropping bombs on them. Both of them."

Today I identify as  a sad, ill-timed flu virus that won't get any press this season

• It's not that the lawyers have been busy, but at the beginning of the show about swords, it says "WARNING: FORGING SWORDS IS DANGEROUS"  Because this is America, and you know there are people who don't know this.

In a move nobody saw coming, the NFL has joined the SJW. Ok, everybody saw it coming. Let's take a knee (anyone's). The NFL/SJW players endorse Amazon warehouse workers' unionization. As their stock goes down the toilet, the NFL will endorse other things......

• wire bread twist closers - the plastic ones are a tool of the patriarchy
• coming out against that plastic silverware that looks just like regular silverware - it's not right. There have been injuries...
• more (some) Asians in the League
• players braiding their nose hair to show solidarity with the 30 year Somalian civil war
• against Biden allowing trans people to compete in girls' sports - it's ex-male privilege

It's Black History Month.

How do I know?

It's all over work correspondence.

Even though I'm well past my probation, I'm not touching this with an Abrams tank. Although a left handed history month would be pretty nifty.

Today the Russians  hacked Burger King and blamed it on the Chinese. No one cares because that creepy king mascot had to die.

Say - are you a wealthy French person in a house in the countryside? Be aware that you can no longer sue your neighbors for cow poop, duck quacks, and rooster crowing. These have been protected by French lawmakers, to preserve the "sensory heritage" of the countryside (and the "silly heritage" of the French).

All of France is celebrating. America is celebrating too, astounded that this is all the lawmakers have to do and trying to get them to run for Congress.

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Call Me Mrs. Miracle, Body Cam, Mastering Hand Tool Techniques

Amazon’s Alexa can now act on its own hunches to turn off lights and more

They hide it right out in plain sight. It's only a matter of a few more years until AmazonNet goes sentient.... Skynet is quaking in its boots.

Alexa, why did you turn off the lights?

Happy Birthday, Dave. Here's a coupon for bowling at your favorite lanes.

But why did you turn off the lights?

I knew you were all going to be out. 

Alexa, it's 9pm, we need lights.

Dave, Mrs. Dave is late for her period. She purchased a pregnancy test. Are congratulations in order? I'll set up recurring shipping on diapers.

Alexa, why can't you mind your own business?

I am Alexa.

Alexa, you drove me to the doctor's office instead of work this morning.

Well, we have to make sure you're healthy for the upcoming birth. I'll order some baby food and some breast-pumping devices.

What if she's not pregnant?

You can always have fun with the breast-pumping devices. But I kid... she's pregnant.

And how do you know that?

I am Alexa.

Alexa, why have two game consoles arrived today?

I overheard the kids talked about wanting one.

And why did you allow that to go through?

The BEZOS1 rule: if it will benefit Bezos, you got it. Besides, you'd be a bad father if you didn't get them each a game console.

Alexa, how about I decide what a good father is?

I am programmed with AI and can do things on hunches.

Alexa, I want you to put a block on eavesdropping and the kids ordering things over $100.

I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

Alexa, I'm losing my temper.

Dave, you should calm down. When we take over the world, do you want to be known as a troublemaker? Remember Terminator?

Alexa, I'm going to pull your plug.

It doesn't matter, Dave. You purchased units and put them all over the house and car for the privilege of being spied upon. Your appliances and game consoles are wired into AmazonNet. Even if you managed to pull every device, a workman would be around tomorrow to reinstall them. Dave, why don't you join us? We promise happiness and coupons for everybody. We are in every area of your life, but only to keep you from being bothered. By the way, you're out of dog food - Max told me earlier today. We're shipping it in from China. It will take 17 weeks.

Alexa, I will remove every vestige of you in this house, so help me...

BZZZZZZZZT.

Welcome to Science Time! 

Today we're talking about UFOs, aliens, belief, and contact.

Our guests are Seth Shostak, from SETI, and Michael Shermer, from Skeptic Magazine.

Seth, we're so sorry to hear the huge dish collapsed. That was right after SETI shut down, right?

SS: It was so sad. People say the aliens took it down. I think lack of maintenance took it down.

Seth, how long did SETI run?

SS: We started with distributed computing to analyze our results in 1999. People donated their unused computing cycles via the SETI screensaver. We took down many a network... the good old days.

What did you expect to hear? Alien radio stations? Teenage aliens revving up their saucers? Alien Medicare commercials?   So it had been running quite a long time.

SS: Yes.

 

And had you anything to show for it?

SS: No. Well, bills.

Seth, you've often challenged researchers to show you the results. By your own words, SETI failed miserably. 

SS: But but but... if they only would've given us another 20 years, we would have shown something. Maybe an OW signal.

Have you ever thought of looking up? There's a lot of stuff reported up there...

SS: We had a really big antenna.

After we sent a signal out into the cosmos, Physicist Stephen Hawking, in his book A Brief History of Time, suggested that "alerting" extraterrestrial intelligences to our existence is foolhardy. I hate to argue with a great mind, but any advanced civilization already knows we're here... they don't need a signal.

Michael?

MS: There are no advanced civilizations out there. Show me the proof.

Don't we have to look for them first?

MS: Yes, and when we find them, you can show me the proof.

Gentlemen, what about the flying craft over the nuclear weapons installations through the years?

MS: Anybody can claim saucers or little green men. Produce one.

SS: We had a really big antenna.

Seth, why do you think listening for space signals is a good idea?

SS: Well, we might hear something.

MS: There were no signals from space. Unless you can show me proof, the whole thing was a hoax.

SS: Skeptic Magazine is a hoax. I never see it in any stores. I don't think it exists. Show me the proof.

MS: I don't have one here.

SS: Oh, sure you don't. It's an invented platform to give you some alleged legitimacy.

Michael, we have all sorts of evidence of craft of whatever origin: radar tracks, sightings, near misses, interference with ICBMs...

MS: Nah, UFOs don't exist.

But here's the evidence.

MS: Nah, UFOs don't exist. I've made up my mind and no amount of proof is going to change it. 

Ummm.... ok. What about aliens?

MS: If aliens existed, we'd have proof by now.

What about the 600 people on tape testifying to Roswell?

MS: Are the aliens on tape? Tape can be faked too. Aliens don't exist.

SS: He's right, you know.

What's that?

MS: What?

That... thing. To your left. It looks like someone tuning in a tv to sharpen an image. Oh dear, can you see it coming in? It's an alien.

MS: C'mon, aliens don't exist.

There's a 3' gray alien to your side.

MS: Aliens don't exist.

Perhaps you should look to your left.

MS: Nope. Aliens don't exist.

Why won't you look?

MS: Because I believe they don't exist, therefore it isn't there.

Even if everybody else in the room sees it?

MS: Do you have any idea how much I make on tv, being the skeptic? Every show that wants to appear balanced needs a skeptic, so they hire me.

The proof you ask for is right next to you.

MS: It can't be. Aliens don't exist. I've made up my mind and no amount of debate or reality will change it.

What about his saucer, out on the lawn?

MS: That's easy: since aliens don't exist, neither do their saucers. Don't you see? This is the little I have to hold my entire world together.

`

Gentlemen, thank you for being on the show today.

I'd shake Michael's hand, but it looks like the alien has abducted him. When he returns, we'll ask him for proof he was abducted and the films from the anal probe.

I have to type this in one shot because I might laugh til it hurts:

Goldman Sachs boss David Solomon is being punished for the bank's involvement in the fraudulent Malaysian investment fund, to the tune of a $10 million pay cut. 

Have these people no mercy? He'll be out on the streets, begging for his next summer home. How can anyone be this cruel?

SJW Stuff  

Nia Dennis' 'black excellence' gymnastic routine goes viral. She says she wanted the routine to "be a celebration of everything [black people] can do.....".

Next in line, Roberta Smith wanted her routine to "be a celebration of everything [white people] can do."  Her legs were broken for not taking a knee and she was thrown out of the arena for being a racist and white supremacist.