Purple Eggs was the Working Title

 Your love is like   an Olympic-size pool of feces

• SHAFT to be remade with all white cast

Katie Couric edited her interview with Ruth Bader Ginsburg, cutting out her comments on NFL knee-taking, so people wouldn't get upset. Isn't that sweet?

Today I identify as     a queer LGBTQ - I'm straight

It's time to get serious and address an issue of major import: today I speak directly to Nabisco.

As a fan of Oreos since birth, I just picked up some Double Stuff Golden Oreos. Sitting them next to regular stuff, it's obvious that there's way less stuff in the regular ones, and the double stuff has about what the regular ones used to have. Double Stuff is a uniquely American treat - a manifestation of too much of a bad thing. Are profits so bad that you need to Cut the Stuff? Do you need a boycott, featuring thousands of rowdy, unhappy stuff fans, giving you the kind of publicity you don't want? Halloween's coming up, and we already have to deal with shrunken candy bars - please don't join them.

Flying AIDS Follies

Southwest Pilots Warn Fatigue, Frustration Could Fuel Further Outages  Executives say they are addressing labor challenges

Unsupported ‘sickout’ claims take flight amid Southwest woes.

I spoke with an industry insider, who told me "Yeah, it's the vaccine mandate."

• 'Huge problem': Passengers are bringing a record number of guns to the airport, TSA says
• They're having a hard time getting into jail and wanted to go with a sure method
• it's not exactly news that you're not allowed to carry on planes, friends... did you miss 9-11?

Boeing workers are planning a #FreedomFlu sickout.

Italy will require all workers to show a coronavirus health pass from Friday, one of the world's toughest anti-Covid regimes that has already sparked riots and which many fear will cause "chaos".

The mystery of how long Covid damages our memory

Passengers couldn’t fly after NHS vaccine passport went offline 

vare ah your paypuz?

FDA advisors unanimously green-light Moderna boosters for people 65+, high-risk

Storm brews over 46x price markup of Merck’s Thor-inspired COVID pill

President Taxit envisions wind farms on both coasts. He says they will serve a dual function: if we are ever attacked, we can reverse the turbine fans to blow away any ships headed our way. We can also lower them under water in case of submarines. 

Why Jimi Hendrix was a Racist

Jimi Hendrix put Fender guitars and Marshall amplifiers on the map.

Jimi was black.   RACIST!

Jimi forced Marshall to make 100 watt amps.

The amps were covered in black tolex.   RACIST!

The amps always used tubes.

Jimi was a paratrooper in the army, along with other black men in his squad.    RACIST!

He broke a bone and was discharged.

After the army, Jimi played the 'chitlin circuit' in the south, backing many black acts, like Little Richard    RACIST!

During this period, Jimi used Fender amps, also covered in black tolex      RACIST!

When Jimi first played England, rock royalty turned out to see the crazy man with the guitar (the Beatles, Jeff Beck, Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton). They were devastated.

When he got famous, he used white Stratocasters     RACIST!

Buddy Miles, who was black, had one of Jimi's white Strats     RACIST!

At the height of fame, Jimi had a lot of pressure from black groups but didn't bow       RACIST!

Jimi believed there was no color, just music         RACIST!

Most of Jimi's music was engineered by Eddie Kramer, a white man from South Africa     RACIST!

The Faucet  

So after all the sweat and phone calls and arm hair and YouTube videos, we were no further than when we started. The faucet still refused to come out of its box.

On the bright side, there was precious little to do.

On the dark side, we probably have to call a plumber. ACK!! This means it's either the mortgage or the plumber. We also have to move the ICBM so he can get in the front door.

• Hey, remember that medical advice to take aspirin to help against heart attacks?
• Medical advice retracted, especially in over 60s. They cite the risk outweighing the benefit, in that aspirin can eat holes in your stomach. So take it with food, dummy. It would seem that's a minor risk, but I'm not a doctor, even though I have the long white coat and say 'gynecologist' a lot.

Oracle's new data center is in Israel, nine floors down, and able to withstand rocket attacks.

Ummm.... if you were going to open up a high-availability data center, would you choose an incredibly unstable region for it? Maybe they should move it to Iran.

• Google has certified its search engine 100% Flying AIDS-free

President Taxit will have an audience with Pope Francis at the Vatican October 29th.

The president plans to ask why he wears a yamulkah and what they did with Netanyahu's body.

• NASA is sending 'Lucy' on a mission to the Trojan asteroids
• Decided no additional protection is necessary in Jupiter's orbit

The Kongsberg, Norway, bow and arrow attack appears to be terrorism. The shooter recently converted to Islam. It's obvious they need common sense bow and arrow laws.

• Waymo Self-Driving Vehicles Keep Going Down the Same Dead End San Francisco Block
• Waymo says they're going home to spawn, before they die

Army slows ~$20bn project to put Microsoft's HoloLens VR headsets into the field

The commanders are afraid to expose the soldiers when they have to reboot

• Seattle school cancels Halloween parade because it ‘marginalizes students of color’

Superman - a Bundle of Sticks

Your love is like   cholera

• Superman Comes Out, (as bisexual) as DC Comics Ushers In a New Man of Steel
• Making Superman bisexual is 'bandwagoning not brave' - actor Dean Cain
• 70 years in the closet is a long time  

Amid drop in covid rates, Dr. Lord Fauci encourages outdoor trick-or-treating and says 'enjoy Halloween'

Says it will be safe, with the following provisions:

• masks must be worn under and over Halloween masks
• must stay over six feet from other trick or treaters and houses.
• people in houses must throw candy at children's bags, six feet away. Whatever goes in they keep.
• all candy must be vaccinated

Today I identify as  a number three pencil

WARNING

• Laser vagina menopause therapy shows no benefit in trial

California's been busy, as usual, doing Weird Shit.

Sales of gas-powered lawn mowers and leaf blowers will be illegal. GET YOURS NOW. Soon only criminals will have gas-powered lawn tools!  You could make some real money, trucking them in from out of state.

Governor and head of Light Entertainment, Gavin Newsom, hath decreed that large toy stores must have an aisle for non-gendered toys. No pink or blue. No sense.

Stealthing: California bans non-consensual condom removal

also bans sneezing, murder, and running people over with bicycles

• Pentagon says hypersonic weapons are too expensive
• hang on... when was the last time the Pentagon said something was too expensive?
• They must be going with an even more expensive weapon

The Faucet

Finally having retrieved the faucet from the car, where it was hiding, I opened it carefully, lest it think I was a newbie and go SPLOING, sending all its minuscule parts all over the kitchen. Looking at the instructions, I should have taken them to the Reading Room and spent a week ingesting its wisdom.

I don't do plumbing. I've seen it done, but preferred to leave it in the realm of Magic. I prefer electricity. I'd rather change a light switch with the power on than try plumbing. They say homeowners become plumbers, electricians, and general handymen. Others say they have to, because plumbers, electricians, and handymen don't return calls or show up. Still others recommend calling the company that rhymes with Moto Scooter, who always show up, but only for plumbing. If I remember correctly, Moto Scooter has a flat fee system, wherein they tell you what the fee is and you go flat. I think sinks are $400.

The box said easy installation - all you need is a screwdriver, wrench, and a left handed smoke shifter. I was overjoyed, as all these tools were within easy reach and with 3 tools, it couldn't be too difficult! They lied. All you need is a screwdriver, wrench, left handed smoke shifter, and a plumber.

This process was kicked off by the hot water knob breaking off. Since even I won't use pliers to turn the hot water on, we needed a new faucet. The instructions were well-illustrated and in three languages, so I knew they were serious. It looked mildly do-able, plus all my friends and family said it was almost idiot-proof. You know when something is idiot-proof, they just make a better idiot, and here I am. The first issue seemed to be the traffic jam we created by running separate hot and cold into one lane. This worried me, but I decided to have faith (this one time) in the instructions.  The long and short of it is that you plug the faucet's lines into the shutoff valves.

BZZZZZT - there are no shutoff valves. 

I suspect I need the wet suit from the bedroom (don't ask).

The problem with my house is my the builder of my house. Everything is rigged and every shortcut was taken. Of course there are no shutoff valves. There may be one on the toilet, but I've never found it. I think the house did not originally have a second floor, making it very difficult to get to sleep at night. At any moment, the second floor could take the express elevator and become the first floor. The only thing I'm sure of is the humongous joists and concrete floor. Unfortunately the concrete floor is on the second floor, not the basement. We have a swimming pool, but it's more of an unintentional pool and only operates when it rains. Fortunately it's not on the second floor.

So now I've come to the first difference between the instructions and Real Life<tm>. This is very bad because my plumbing knowledge is only slightly greater than my ballet knowledge and opera knowledge combined.  I decided to flout the instructions, and start out doing things the Man Way. This means I tried ripping it apart.

BZZZZZT - the large nut holding the hot knob down also turns the hot knob. Even after I cleaned it out, every time I tried to get the nut off, the hot water turned on. Fearing this was a warning of exactly how this was going to proceed, I did the smart thing and gave up immediately. I thought this was a two man job perhaps, or at least a one man job for someone who knew what they were doing. Since the men in the house totaled one, I had to wait til the woman got back from the shoe store, where she was praying to find me alive (or dead) when she got back. (if I were alive, I'd die when I saw what she bought)

They say there is always a silver lining and there was: I got all the dishes washed without hurting myself or the dog.

• Windows, aka The Great Titanic, needed to reboot on the work computer, making it so much easier to type this. You cannot stop it, not even with a note from the principal.

The first Arab mission to Mars is yielding significant data.

There are a few minor problems, though... 

• ship can't figure out which direction to turn to pray
• kept firing on the Israeli satellite
• backup computer kept getting fouled with beard hair

Chevy Bolts have been recalled, for new battery packs. They, too, have been spontaneously combusting, and they didn't want to be outdone by Tesla.  In fact, Chevy is boasting more battery fires than Tesla already. Remember the days of the internal combustion engine (last week), where there were no fires? Twenty years from now, auto manufacturers will boast about their battery-powered vehicles, stating there was a small period where they had to get the battery technology right...

• Study reveals Android phones constantly snoop on their users
• SHOCKING

In an interview, Paul McCartney finally let loose that John Lennon actually broke up the Beatles. He wanted to fly solo. When reading the interview, it reads best if you substitute Yoko for every instance of John Lennon.

• Germany unveiled the first self-driving train
• Germany is very efficient: more dead if the train crashes vs self-driving cars

France: Train kills three migrants lying on tracks

Hey, let's lay on the train tracks - what's the worst that can happen?

Flying AIDS News

• Southwest Airlines, the military, and more are Very Angry about vaccine mandates. Southwest crew is suing, no one else has gotten them. Southwest. 
• Speaking of Southwest, they are experiencing their 5th day of serious cancellations and have yet to convincingly explain why.
• 911 System In Jeopardy As First Responders Reject Jab
• Texas Governor Greg Abbott bans mandatory vaccination in state
• Wisconsinites plan to sue “every school board” that ignores CDC’s COVID advice

Her: Come look at this in the basement

Him: I can't see. Gotta flashlight?

Her: let me remember where I put it. Oh, here it is.

Him: battery's dead.

Her: let me find another one

Him: You have 52 flashlights, there has to be one that works

Her: sorry

Him: ok, we need batteries. Let me put them on the list. Gotta pen?

Her: Can't find one.

Him: You collect pens. We have more pens than individual specks of dust. Why can't I ever find one?

Her: Your socks are still here, in pairs, so maybe the pens go wherever the socks would go....

Him: I need a drink. Please tell me you can find one..

There's a war brewing. You want to keep your head down because it gets nasty.

Yes, I'm talking about jimmies vs sprinkles.

We've always called them jimmies. Never heard of sprinkles til recently.

Wife is very upset.

I just want to stay out of firing range.

So William Shatner finally made it to space.

He had comments....

• Who in their right mind would send a 90 year old man into space?
• Dammit.. why didn't Sulu fire on Earth when I ordered him to?
• Somebody tell them I'm an actor - I've never really been in space
• What do you mean Spock's dead?
• If you don't behave, I'll sing... I swear
• can I get a nurse to clean me up, please?

India man jailed for killing wife with cobra in Kerala

The snake bit the sleeping woman but not the guy who carried it to the bed?

Didn't he have the smarts to be 'out of town' when this happened?

Death penalty demanded: no mention if for husband or snake