She's Got a Missile Silo in Her Pants

 

Your love is like  nostril jam

• There's very little going on in marital relations lately. Wife says it's supply chain issues.

Today I identify as  a gay priest who says homosexuals will burn in hell

Home That Washed Into Atlantic Ocean Still Worth $380,000, Zillow Says

• prime ocean view!
• easy access to the beach
• local parking and boating
• fish from your bedroom!
• easy conversion to water power
• sit on the roof and get your feet wet
• swim Move right in!

I got really excited looking at the tv guide, until Wife said, "No, Naked and Afraid is not pr0n."

Stevie Wonder originally wrote Superstition for Jeff Beck. When Berry Gordy (Motown Records) heard it, well... it went on Stevie's record first anyway. Beck did it with BBA (Beck Bogart & Appice), in a different kind of funky.

My favorite song (Cause We've Ended as Lovers) off my favorite album (Blow by Blow) was another Stevie Wonder song, which Beck instrumentalized. Sorry Stevie, Jeff's got this one.

Leaders at San Jose church confirm they conducted ritual to rid 3-year-old of ‘evil spirits,’ leading to her death

You should also avoid this church for treatment of

• Gay
• The Flying AIDS
• splinters
• anything inside or outside the anus
• forgetting to take the trash out
• atheism
• death
• Catholicism
• dandruff

Pastor: "I am not guilty - it was God's will."

Depp Jam  

Today at the Depp-Heard trial the defense called their witnesses

• the guy who checked the tire pressure on Johnny's plane
• Heard's small flock of toenail painters
• the owner of Alaska's bicycle repair shop
• 2 guys in Cleveland who dive under water to look for guns and dead bodies
• the staff of Nebraska's only five-star-rated Circle K
• board members of the New Jersey Cocaine Guild
• the guy who puts vodka into cardboard boxes at Smirnoff's
• the shipping department at Clairol Hair Dye

Definitions

Trichotillomania: hair pulling

Deereotillomania: tractor pulling

Porkswordotillomania: penis pulling

Mmmmmotillomania: nipple pulling

Munt: 28, 30, or 31 days

Unwatchable: Gregg Allman performing on the Cher show in 1975

A UK charity says disabled children should be able to use playgrounds and some should be constructed. I agree, but would strongly caution against the slides, especially with wheelchairs.

• California's under 21 gun ban was struck down, citing the 2nd Amendment. Technically all gun bans are illegal. The 2nd Amendment simply affirms the natural right to bear arms.

Adidas is in trouble over UK ads that feature bare breasts. The images 'reduced women to body parts,' (unlike any other bra commercial, bladder leak underwear, clothing, or anything else). Meanwhile in America, 'intellectual curiosity' has men, and some women, eager to view the commercials to decide for themselves. 

The time has come to remove Chinese voices from global social media, according to Samir Saran, president of Delhi-based think tank Observer Research Foundation (ORF), a commissioner of The Global Commission on the Stability of Cyberspace, and a member of Microsoft's Digital Peace Now Initiative.

I see what he's talking about, but what of the innocent Chinese people? Shouldn't they have a voice? Social media also shows lifestyle and the ability to make friends. It's interesting  As with free speech in America, we take the bad with the good.

• Yeah, the new Dr. Who is black, but couldn't he be trans too? It makes the show look transphobic.

Twitter is now demanding my phone number. I've been on Twitter for quite a number of years without my number being involved. Ridiculous.

The PA election for governor is coming up. The only thing I can say now is thank God we'll be rid of Wolf (2nd term). That man singlehandedly closed businesses, ruined people, and made PA into the Nanny State it is today. 

This brings up a related topic. Both Senate candidate Kathy Barnette and gobernatorial candidate Doug Mastriano are republican and heavily Christian. I don't know about the democratic candidates, but Wolf is a democrat and I hate what he and local democrats have done to the state and city. I hate them almost as much as I hate the republicans. Obviously I'll vote straight libertarian, but if there's no candidate, I'd get stuck.  Being Christian republicans, they're anti-abortion, which I'm not. This may become important with Roe v Wade in the news.

My question is how the candidate's religion impacts doing their job. I don't care what their beliefs are, I just want the beliefs kept out of office. Anyone have any thoughts on religious politicians?

I have to draw the line somewhere. The other day I got a work email from the Office of Diversity, which wasn't caught by my email filters. I don't even care what it says - I won't read it. Nothing good can come from it. I also want a raise: if they can afford an Office of Diversity, they can afford to pay me more. I've been there for a number of years now, and I have yet to see a single incident of racism, lack of inclusion, not working well together, or general agita. We do what any good employee does; we work. We work hard. We work well. We work well as a team. We are an incredibly diverse company. We even have a ton of women, which isn't too common in IT. But none of it really matters. What matters is doing your job and doing it well. We are that.

aww, isn't that cute? the head child molester and his minions

All I Want for Christmas is Headache Relief

Mariah Carey is turning her song "All I Want for Christmas is You" into an animated movie with herself narrating. Because the world is crying out for it.  I know this because the local Fox morning show brought in yet another Yak Show Special Guest to tell us all about it.

Speaking of Hard Hitting News, Fox just aired their third segment on Flashy Nails with Sparkly Bits. This segment features a teaser, followed by two experts from a local nail salon applying these scandalous fake nails to the reporter's short and mangled nails. This is a breaking story that no doubt will involve international Special Reports every thirty minutes, with other networks gearing up their own coverage. When the story is beaten to death, which some will argue has already transpired, Mariah Carey will reportedly do a movie about it, with herself narrating.

• are you ready for the latest Big Controversy? A white man has been accused of Cultural Appropriation for painting a picture of a black man. I never studied sociology but this means something (aside from reaching Peak Stupidity).

A great feature of cell phones is the ability to install software and change things. For example, the standard Android keyboard and I do not get along. I installed a different one (after wading through hundreds of them, primarily concerned with emojis), with which I got on a little better. Here is where I start to blaspheme: I have a really good relationship with the keyboard on my work iDevice. While the thunder dies away, I have no idea why this is. It has tiny little keys, while I keep going larger with the Android keyboards.

Just for fun, I searched for an iDevice keyboard for Android. I installed the most popular one, which immediately started phoning home to China (I use No-Root Firewall, which tells me these things). This is what will happen to you if you install crappy software. Clue#1: subtle to hilarious English mistakes in the description. Check the privacy policy and whatever else is listed at the bottom of the software description. Also check reviews, making sure to look for English mistakes or obvious shills. Stick with popular software companies.

• In news guaranteed to amuse, The Turkish Hacking Family group claims to have access to over 300 million iCloud accounts and is threatening to remotely wipe this data unless Apple pays a ransom ($75,000 in crypto currency or $200,000 in iTunes gift cards). The deadline is April 7. Whether or not this threat is real, Apple is advising everyone to change their iCloud password and enable two-step authentication. This may or may not be the same group that is involved in The Fappening 2.0, exposing pictures of celebrities.

A Utah man was killed and his wife injured in the London Islamist terror attack. This won't go over well with the Brits but maybe it's time to arm... the police and other authorities aren't providing much cover here and ultimately it's up to a person to defend himself and his family. Something to think about..

I owe a heartfelt apology to the Swiss, who I accused of the London attack. Turns out it was a Muslim.

• I am a big fan of Android Forums. Lots of information and assistance for any android device. They just got hacked and a very small percentage of accounts lost a few bits of information - one report said it was forty. Guess who's one of the forty? Yup.

On the Stupid News File, after the obnoxious outside host kissed a camel, they ran a promo for a wedding dress show. One look at the lady in the dress said man. Yup, she's a transexual. Marrying another transexual. Hey, do what makes you happy, but the math here is staggering.  He has a full beard, meanwhile I can't grow hair on the top of my head.

• Just the other day, the Senate voted 50(R) to 48(D) to allow ISPs to sell your personal data. This is the headline but it's caught up in a different topic, namely letting regulations apply to all entities equally. Regardless, it's just your privacy. Early word is that the best way to prevent this is to use a VPN. Here's some info on how your information is collected.

If you're traveling from certain Muslim countries to the US/UK, you'll need to stow your laptop. In Serious Anti-Terrorism News, the US/UK have decided that you cannot use or carry your laptop to the US from certain countries. Authorities claim that this measure is not based on any intelligence. Well, it sure seems like a stupid measure to implement otherwise. And let's face it - it's going to be a problem regardless of where it goes boom. Security Theater.

• Two weeks after Failed Snowmageddon 2017, nobody has piled additional snow on my car. For this I am grateful. No local authorities have been involved but we have called in Cthulu to make a small statement to the (allegedly) adult miscreant neighbors.

Someone discovered a dishwasher with a web server. A web server. When it breaks or gets hacked (which it will), you have to get web server updates from a dishwasher company. What could possibly go wrong?  To be fair, this is an industrial machine for hospitals, which are fast becoming a rich target for hackers. This will not end well.

Antivirus company F-Secure released this list of most-used login/password combinations used to hack their honeypot (decoy for the purposes of collecting information) machines. Please don't use these.

• Good article on hack-proofing your smart phone. If you're lazy, you won't like this.

I'm in the middle of intensive training for this event!