Well Sure - Mowing

This blog experienced a blip, with my extended absence.

Since this blog is here to document the decline of its writer, one might think I've finally gone off the deep end. No, you are not so lucky. I'm damn near as sharp as when I left.

I also notice that the blog numbers, although ludicrously small, are still greater than when I was writing before. That alone should tell me something.....

In addition to my great hatred of  mowing, I've discovered a strong dislike for other mowers. Not exactly the mowers themselves, but the fsking noise of the blasted devices. I'm sitting here, doing my first blog entry in months (?) and the noise is spectacularly annoying, like a Yoko concert.

Hoping my mind still has enough gunpowder to produce something entertaining, here we go....

Those of you long-term readers know what's up... I was abducted by aliens. I had to insist on the anal probing.

Across the street is the Construction Project That Will Never End. I think they started it during the Carter administration, and the noise continues. The block is set up so all the noise comes directly into my office. Jealous, my next door neighbor decided to have some construction done, which obviously comes right into my office. I almost long for the days when I had to go to work, then pray for a hurricane.

Our hearts go out to Florida, where as of last night, 1.6 million were without power. In North Carolina, many were without towns - they got washed away last week.

Some tadpoles don’t poop for weeks. That keeps their pools clean

     If only people did this in my pool....

Highline Public Schools confirms ransomware behind shutdown

     Administrators say it couldn't have been the students - they can't read.

YOUR ELECTRIC RAZOR SUCKS...

she said to me.

Ummmm.... how would you know this, I said to her.

I had to use it.

You didn't HAVE to use it.

Yes I did.. I have some scabs and needed to shave around them.

This is the entire reason your father hates you, right?

Umm... yeah. We all used to borrow his razor.

I wonder if this explains the bent dinner knives....

I have to start learning basic video editing (in linux). I'm doing the research, but does anybody have any recommendations? Many of the programs are cross-platform.

 The British are pissed. Fscking pissed. How do we know?

Sue Gray, the Prime Minister's chief of staff. has caused the populace to become flipping mad.

Do you have any idea how mad flipping mad is? The term is used for serial killers and tax increases.

How to stop LinkedIn from training AI on your data

In the past weeks, it has been revealed that more companies are stealing your data and forgot to let you know. LinkedIn (Faceyspaces for adults) is the latest.

 

Shoot me, beat me, run me over, but don't TAX me

Yes, it's April 15, a day that lives in infamy. For non-US readers, it's Tax day. This is the day your tax return has to be mailed by. The 11pm news will have video of people standing in line at the post offices to get their envelope stamped before midnight.

It's legalized highway robbery. The Internal Revenue Service is anything but a service, and strikes fear into anyone who hears its name. They can seize your bank account, take your house, and take parts of your salary, all without your input. Trump borrowed from the libertarian platform when he said it should be closed. If you have a problem with closing the IRS, pick up your W2 and see how much money was appropriated/stolen from you in just the federal box. We are being sucked dry. And politicians want to spend more, raising the debt every single time. The same politicians who pledged to reduce debt and stop spending. Btw, think about the total of everybody's federal taxes.... who sees that money?

We had a situation with the IRS. I called for an explanation and was not pleased. Wife called later and the rep said I was not pleased.

President Giveaway just gave the IRS $80 billion. How did he get into office again? 

The military industrial complex had a 30 day orgasm after Iran fired on Israel. Just think of the profits!

I have been on the phone for over a month with the IRS. When I say on the phone, I mean on hold for an hour, then transferred and on hold for another hour. These legal demons from hell LOST a tax return. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE THE TAX RETURN FOR THAT YEAR? I sent it via TurboTax, so it was filed electronically. So I had to fax a copy, which required a Sherlock Holmes hat, a shovel, and 48 hours straight of digging everywhere to find the document. I don't have a fax machine, so I went to a store that rhymes with Maples and paid to fax. It didn't go through twice, and on the third time, my 12 page fax cost me $27. I could buy my own fax machine for 2 or 3 faxes. This was the same Maples that charged me $110 to ship a laptop via ground service, and I had to tell them how to pack it so it would survive. Yes, I know... it's my own fault for not having a fax machine or running a shipping shop, with all the right boxes and bubble-pak.

Today was the nicest day of the year so far.

You know what that means, right?

MOWING.

I think I was bitten by a mower when I was little. I just HATE mowing.

Even my high performance 250 volt mower kept stalling. It also refused to chew up and spit out metal fragments on the ground. Last year I fragged 2 of the neighbors. Neighbors' houses, I mean. I would never hurt my neighbors (they have bigger mowers).

In fact, when they heard I got a 48v mower, they got 100v mowers. The batteries were bigger than truck batteries. This year I got the 250v auto-powered! I don't even have to push-it goes up hills and over small children by itself.

My greatest desire, after being a minor rock star, would be to have all my grass removed, never to grow again. I already checked and I'm not allowed to cement it in. More government bulldookey. However, I noticed the area my dog hangs out in only grew little spurts of grass. Halleleujah! I could collect half of her urine and distribute it over the rest of the lawn! But then I'd have to collect half of her urine. It's a sticky wicket, however you look at it.

Wife's doctor sent 2 prescriptions to the pharmacy. They got 1. How does this happen?

I hope they're not using their own medicines. Again. 

 

Sleeping more flushes junk out of the brain

Until next month, when it will be discovered that more sleep just makes you tired.

Elizabeth Warren, famous Indian Chief and African American, believes TurboTax should be reported to the FTC because of their infernal selling and upselling and hiding the free options. Having just used TurboTax, I am in the very uncomfortable position of agreeing with Rabbi Warren.

When I say in agreement, I mean that everything she says about it is true. I do not, however, want to run off and tell Big Brother to make them stop doing it. All we need is more government interference. If you don't like it, don't use it... let the market decide.

But it really bites the big one. Every time it asks you a question, you have to think carefully and look around the screen for other options. It has you fill out your state form, then wants to charge you $69 to electronically file it. Your choices are to file or delete. Time wasted. Then it wants to sign you up for other things Intuit owns. It tried to get you to sign up for more expensive plans. It's almost like constant commercials. A little while back, I had an article about many tax preparers sending info to Faceyspaces. I believe H&R Block did but TurboTax didn't. Pick your poison.

I am Offended by Your Offense

Your love is like  deep fried pickle peanut butter

Porsche and BMW are working on integrating AI into their driving systems.

This project will take much longer than expected, when they discover how hard it is to teach computers to drive like assholes.

Today I identify as  a Tesla driver assist driver: I'm in the trunk

You know, I've been uneasy for years. No, not that way. Uneasy because the whole world is offended by something or other, but very little offends me (except houndstooth). I searched the ends of the earth for something that would sufficiently offend me, but the only thing I came up with is that there's no Left Handed History Month. Unfortunately we cannot generate enough guilt to get anything from it, so I remain unoffended.

Then it hit me: I *am* offended by something. It was so close I couldn't see it. I am offended by your offense! Whenever someone, like SJWs, starts whining and getting offended, I am offended by it! I feel like a true citizen of the world now. The only thing I haven't done is sued anybody. If I don't get on this, I might lose my American citizenship, even though I was born here.

TIME 

Sometimes it's a song by Pink Floyd (a 1920s gay gangster). 

Or a song by the Alan Parsons Project (that could bore you to a slow, lingering death). 

It could be time for a change.

Time for napping.

Time for ice cream.

Time for boom-boom!

Time goes on (or so they say).

When it's feeling way too organized, time marches on.

Time screams when you wake up 5 minutes before the alarm.

Sometimes time stampedes, like a particularly deadly Who concert in Ohio.

If you're waiting for your paycheck or a hot date, time crawls.

If the IRS is involved, there is no time.

But the absolute longest period of time is when you're waiting for quitting time at work.

Honey, I'm feeling frisky - let's go get naked.

I can't.

Why not?

The battery in the phone is low and we won't be able to video ourselves.

Oh. Good night then.

Good night.

I am writing today from the hospital. Don't worry - I have a few posts in the can so no one will miss out.

Why am I in the hospital? Why did you ask? You didn't?

It goes like this: as you know, I was one of the kids who couldn't shut up in class. It did not translate well to (alleged) adulthood, nor did the meds work. So I don't always read the whole sentence. Or even more than a word or 2. It bit me this morning. My coffee creamer has this nice blue container, from which comes the french vanilla goodness that helps the morning get started. As it turns out, Carnation also uses this shade of blue on another flavor: coconut cream. Guess what I did? Guess how long it took the ambulance to arrive? They came faster when I said 'coconut'. 

At first the emergency room docs didn't think I was going to make it. It was the worst case of coconut creamer they had ever seen. I begged them to try harder - ThermionicEmissions must go on!  It turned out some of them are readers, so I lived. It's a good thing I got poisoned when I did... if it happened an hour earlier, I'd have gotten the doctor who tried to read ThermionicEmissions but hated it. I'd have died in the E/R.  So I just have to rest for a few weeks. The doctors told me I am not even to read the word 'coconut' or I could suffer a relapse. Oops.

Know what would be bad?

Being an astronaut and going to Mars, then finding out you've been fired. Or there's no money in the budget to get you back to Earth because NASA administrators bought an island for themselves. It's ok, though; you just found out you could grow Brussels sprouts in the Martian soil.

Headline: First Suicides on Mars

Those telehealth appointments... I don't like them. I don't necessarily need to see my doctor in person - he's not my type, but what's really embarrassing are the rectal exams.

MOW 

If you've read any of this blog, you know I like to mow about as much as Jews like nazis. What's worse is that the fscking grass grows back in a week. Correction: the weeds grow back. Whatever they are, they grow like weeds... well... you get the point. This sets off  my Mowing PTSD, as well as Wife's terror that the neighbors will see the weeds getting so high, they hide the dog. I will not mow weekly and have a doctor's note to that effect. I also have a doctor's note so I don't have to use iDevices at work. but that didn't go so well. So We settled on every 2 weeks. Or rather, SHE settled on every 2 weeks. I fight tooth and nail to avoid it. Then she threatens to withhold things... like cooking and shopping and laundry. So I run out of excuses and have to mow.

She purchased some sort of industrial blue electric mowing thing for me. When I say 'for me,' it  makes me nervous and pissed. I want her to purchase guitars for me, not a fscking mower. Blue is nice, but it does nothing to change the fact that it's a mower. It's electric, so it makes me feel good that I'm not causing a hole above the house, even though the electricity to charge it way offsets the gain from not using gasoline. Regular mowers use those 12v or 24v batteries. Because this is a mower that can do a football field, it uses 48volts.  That's a lot of responsibility, especially for someone who hates mowers like the pope hates the rest of humanity. Oh yeah, it also has a Blue Lever<tm>. Being the curious sort, I pulled the Blue Lever<tm> and the mower SHOT FORWARD on its own, nearly mowing down the shed and a few smaller children. There are so many children around, I figure no one will miss a few. The problem here, aside from me having to use the infernal device, is that it will go, but will not go by itself, so I can sit on the sofa in peace. Or pieces, depending on how much grass I temporarily knock down mow.

There are robo-mowers, like those stupid robo house vacuums, but the yard is so weird, it will burn out its own cpu just thinking about it. So I need to stand behind and move with the fscker. Being smart (the mower, not me) it won't start if it's on tall grass. This caused a bit of Language before I figured it out. The robo feature is actually kinda cool, especially going up hills. Wife was most impressed. Because it is a robo, it undoubtedly cost waaaay more than it should have, but she 'got it on sale.'  I'm only slightly aware of how this works... a plain old mower might be $200. A riding mower would be a few mortgage payments. A robo-mower might have been $500, but she got it on 'sale,' meaning $400. So because of the 'sale,' we spent $400 instead of $200. This is some sort of Shoe Logic<tm>, by which she purchases a lot of shoes because they were 'on sale.' Like all husbands, I try to explain that 'on sale' does not mean 'saving money,' it means paying less (or more, in her case). 

So I mowed.

Ugh.

I remembered something the doctor said, when he was giving me no-iDevice notes: most heart attacks come when (from) shoveling snow, because people overdo it. Mowing is just the summer equivalent of shoveling snow. People who make a life sitting on the couch should not progress directly to shoveling (or, heaven forbid, mowing). There should be some sort of intermediate activity, like standing and walking (to the kitchen for a Yoo Hoo). Or standing, walking out the door, and sitting on the steps. One must approach this carefully, lest a heart attack (or worse, mowing) occur. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I sit. A lot. The couch has actually molded itself around my buttocks. It's comfy - a safe feeling, like Wife sitting on my lap, or a naked Hadid. So for me to actually stand, get the mower, plug in the batteries, only to find they're not charged, and scream a bit is taxing, both physically and mentally. I constantly tell Wife that she's going to be the cause of my heart attack (like most me, I guess) and will have to live with me being a vegetable, something I hate, or dead. Then who will mow the lawn? 

At least I can listen to music.

Oops, no I can't - the headphones keep falling out of the headphone jack, as mentioned earlier, so no music. It was such a small thing, listening to my tunes while doing something I like as much as President Giveaway likes taking down the debt. But I have Unrealistic Expectations, or so I'm told. 

So I mowed.

I have nothing nice to say about the experience, like everyone says after paying taxes. My mother told me "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything," then she was surprised that I did't speak til I was 19.  It's not like I'm getting older, but the mower got heavier and harder to use as I went on. After I shut it off, the drag to its resting place (not its final resting place, unfortunately) was painful and interminable. Only when I turned around did I notice why it was so painful: it had become attached to 8 feet of branches and various species of Yard Flora. If I had had to drag it another foot, Wife would have found my body the next day (or the next week), if she missed me (a real long shot). They say the Walk of Shame is the hardest thing women have to do, but the longest and most painful thing for men is the House Walk, which is the walk from the mower to the house. It may only be 20' (3 grams Canadian), but to us, it's a mile and a half of pain and sweat. It is then that you figure out why people say not to wear black in the summer. But everything I have is black. Once safely back in the house, it's 2 hours of showering with my clothes on. I have to keep my clothes on, because after 10 minutes (3 grams Canadian), the hot water runs out. And because of the shame. If I don't shower immediately, I sit there, praying to the industrial fan (she buys nothing small, but it was on sale) for an hour or two, until I stop dripping and the Yoo Hoo is gone. The whole case. Every now and then I check the heart monitor, to make sure I'm not having a Cardiac Event, as if I were shoveling snow (or mowing). My last Cardiac Event was catered, and people are still talking about it.

So that's it (for another 2 weeks) -(3 grams Canadian).

Apropos of nothing, I finally bought myself a Christmas present. One I could use. Something cheap. A nose hair trimmer. It's the most useful (and fascinating) thing I've gotten in years. It started out as a joke for my BFF, who's older than me. But it actually works. I turn it on, start sawing away, enjoy the noise and smoke, and spend most of my time wondering where the tiny little hairs go after they get reduced in length. I'm very easily amused, if you couldn't tell.

• If you need to feel old for some reason, adult star Gauge is 41.

Ten Years Gone 

My favorite Led Zeppelin song.

Robert Plant said it was written to remind you to love someone because they could be gone at any time.

At this point, it's over 15 years since you left.

We were all shocked beyond belief.

It was your favorite song to try to play on the guitar. You'd play it over and over (and over), annoying the hell out of your friends and anyone who happened to be within range. To your credit, it's not a very easy song to play, and you'd keep at it til you had it down.

We still think of you all the time. I feel terrible I was out of touch- like that would have made any difference. I hope, in whatever way, we meet again.

- Ten Years Gone, Holdin' On, Singing Songs

This burger continues to have no burger

Last week or so, I wrote up yet another Fast Food Screed, after a Fast Food Fsck at Wendy's.

Wife says bacon cheeseburger with nothing but pickles. 

I got a bacon cheeseburger with everything, including MAYONNAISE. Not only does NOTHING BUT PICKLES mean no mayonnaise, but there should NEVER be mayonnaise on my burger (you do whatever you want). To put the cherry on the burger, the pickles were wrong. Every single pickle I have ever had on a burger was the same - a sweet-ish pickle. This particular pickle was sour-ish. Not only do they have different pickles than every other burger joint, they have different pickles than every other Wendy's.

The pickles were symbolic. Really? Yes, symbolic of the service we get everywhere we go.

One of the problems is that you have to hire adults or children with a great work ethic. Neither of these are available in my area, so they hire kids with whatever psychological disorder that makes people screw up everything you tell them. Occam's Razor (the simplest answer is usually the right one) would identify this as stupidity, not a psych disorder. So old Occam knows these stores aren't paying much and are hiring blithering idiots. 

But wait.... we're not done.

She came home with 2 large sodas. Oh dear, they taste like poop - what are they?

Coke is on strike. WHAT?

Yeah, Coke is on strike.

Why?

Because they have unions. They are the cause of all strikes.

Good point.

So they only had the dregs left - the Coke that nobody drinks: cherry and vanilla.

ACK! I love vanilla, but not in my Coke.

I'm starting to wonder if there's any point in going back to Wendy's - the only fast food I can tolerate.

Or any place that sells things.

I suppose I could saunter in with a gun. I wonder if, seeing this, their accuracy would improve. 

Nah.

It's not like I want to rob the place. I just want what I ordered. I know, I know... ridiculously high expectations that could never be met.

Go ahead and ask the question I didn't..... YES, her order was 100% correct. Only mine was out in space, having been hit with the Stupid Ray<tm>.

As we ate the (alleged) burgers, Wife looked at me and said, "You're composing the blog in your head, aren't you?"  She gets me.

Will Biden Ever Run Out of Things to Tax?

 

Your love is like  Plan B souffle

At this point, the answer is NO.

Today I identify as  a failed abortion

• I can only do one thing at a time and I can't really do that well

Looks like Pride Month is coming up.

I'm gonna be proud of being a straight guy who plays guitar left handed and is the CEO of Sarcasm.

Something tells me I'm going to get a lot of crap. As usual.

People are getting explosive gastroenteritis at the Grand Canyon

Man, I hate when that happens. If nothing else, the environmentalists better get on this, because climate change flatulence damage is significant.

Emergency calls have been put into Fauci, because if the virus can be declared a pandemic, the federal government will send $$$.

Beg-a-Thon

It ain't your fault, but yesterday three people stopped by this blog. All day.

Tell your friends. If you don't like us, tell your enemies. Let them know the blog can be automatically emailed to them. Tell your service elephants and peacocks. Tell your air conditioners, because it's spring and fun to watch people talking to inanimate objects.

I turned off advertising, so I make nothing. I'd just like to soothe my fragile ego by having a few more people coming by.  Thanks! 

Tech Companies Won't Say If They’ll Give Cops Abortion Data

Understand this: data will become available on people at protests [turn your goddamn phone OFF].

Tech companies ready public stances on Roe v. Wade

• the Ugly has just started...
• Faceyspaces will offer abortion in their cafeteria
• Amazon will do abortion, but only on the shipping line, to minimize down time

Facebook Is Banning People Who Say They Will Mail Abortion Pills

Keep dem people in line

 

Congress Wants to Spend $45 Million on Nukes the Navy Said it Doesn’t Need

So long as it comes out of their pockets, I don't see any problem.

Three changes to legislation demanded by ThermionicEmissions

1. all legislation be vetted for Constitutionality - this will cut down a lot of unnecessary legislation and fighting later on
2. all legislation be on One Topic only. No inserts, no exceptions, no pork.
3. Some sort of responsibility for all legislation. If your bill fails and cost the taxpayers $25 billion, you (Congressperson) must be responsible for it in some way, to be determined later. Watch the cockroaches scatter! 

Ukraine war: US to ramp up military presence across Europe

Gotta get in there somehow..... don't short Boeing

 NASA wants nuclear reactor on the Moon by 2030

• NASA wives want shoe store on Moon by 2030
• Astronauts want Victoria's Secret on Moon by 2030
• Bernie Sanders wants free education on Moon this week
• Biden wants 'a nice place to nap' on Moon by 2030
• Biden wants tax revenue from everything on Moon by 2029

Amtrak derailment: Three killed in Missouri after train hits truck

Some historian, long in the tooth and dressed very strangely, will finally put together the figures on trucks hit by trains and discover the phenomenon he'll call Truckus Blockus. This is the condition that results from complete stupidity, wherein a driver decides to just park his truck on the tracks - what's the worst thing that can happen? Related is Vehicle Idiotus, in which a clearly deranged driver thinks he can speed by the blinking lights and beat the train. This is usually his last thought.

Texas Supreme Court Rules This Train Is a Train

The Texas Supreme Court is on a roll lately, having ruled that this gun is a gun, this washing machine is a washing machine, and George Bush is.. well.. they don't know what George Bush is.

As if Alexa isn't creepy enough, they just announced that they will be able to read stories as your dead grandma. Will this finally be the thing that makes me buy an Alexa? Does the pope shit in the woods?  

I want to hear all of my dead relatives sing "It's a Small World."

Fauci reports COVID rebound, says his is “much worse” than initial illness

God snickers....

Your Tax Dollars at Work

Biden administration launches $1 billion effort to correct racist highway designs of the past

#ImpeachBiden - I don't have to make a single headline up (unfortunately)

 

The mowing situation has gotten even worse, if you can believe it. The constant rain causes the weeds to grow, requiring mowing every 2 weeks. It's gotten so bad that we're now at ONE week. Pretty soon someone will sneeze and we'll have to be out there again, with our environmentally-supportive electric mower.

I tried asking Iqbal, my emotional support elephant, to mow for me. He looked at me in the way he does, with slanted eyes, and said, "Not my yob, mang."

The Demand for More Anvils in the Inclusive Blog

Your love is like  mashed glass and gravy

A California court ruled that bees are fish.

California is a large planet that circles the United States.

Also, grasshoppers are doorknobs, recliners are lawns, and Led Zeppelin is Britney Spears.

Today I identify as  prune juice

 The President's Council on Blog Diversity has decreed that all US blogs be more diverse and inclusive. Despite my initial reaction to deny or ignore everything he says, I got to thinking how he'd know these things. There's only one of me, unless you count Mrs. lefty, but she doesn't contribute, except by example. I could be very diverse, but how does one tell? Mrs. lefty has a pretty diverse collection, or so I hear; I have never seen them, but I know they're there.

Plus there has been a significant development in my blogging and working: I have graduated from two cups of coffee to three cups. It's a momentous occasion in attempting to remain appear awake. I wish I could be sponsored by the coffee and creamer companies, but I pay full boat.

I think my laptop's getting up to things while I sleep.

I go to sleep with it clean and disconnected from the wireless. When I wake up, it's dirty. Sometimes it's hooked to the wireless. Mind you, the device is locked, so no one, not even the dog, can get into it. And there's a tv remote on the keyboard. The remote is a good indication it's also is not the dog. It's Wife, who always expands to fill out all horizontal space. Then then kids eat something, which winds up on the screen, the keyboard, and the tv, which is all the way across the room.

Either that or the laptop hooks itself to the wireless and has some snacks. It's not a quantum laptop so it (probably) can't use the transporter to get food. In my house, it's a tossup between these two explanations.

• We might have a new neighbor.
• They can see through the office window. I'll probably have to restrict my pr0n to one small screen for now. Who knows how they feel about hamster pr0n.

Mrs. lefty is watching Les Miserables, making the rest of us More Miserable. I don't know what it is, but I detest musicals. And opera. And sports. And most other things. But she likes it, so it's ok. Up until she starts to explain it to me. This is when it becomes an act worthy of prosecution.

2nd District Police, Sergeant Ballzac, how can I help you?

It's my wife.

Is she missing? Dead? Does she have weapons? Has she murdered you?

No, it's worse. She has Les Miserables on.

That's not a crime, Sir.

She's explaining it to me.

We'll be right over.

The PA democratic candidate for governor, and current Lieutenant Governor, John Fetterman, neglected to disclose a heart attack and didn't follow the advice of a cardiologist. Gee, maybe the cardiologist should have mandated it. Hypocrite Fetterman.

Flying AIDS News

Dogs can detect the Flying AIDS better than PCR antigenic tests.

Can long Covid lead to death? A new analysis suggests it could

June 21 is expected start date of COVID vaccination for kids under 5

 

 

We're not going to get away from mowing. Well, I'm not going to get away from mowing, which means you aren't either. Boy does my back hurt. So long as I don't lay down, get up, sit, sneeze, reach, or carry anything, I'm ok. I'm all set to use this as an excuse not to mow, then I remember I'm the only one in the house who can.  It's not that my back's killing me, but my back's killing me. They tell me 7 is the lucky number for ibuprofen, but only with vicodin. No, wait, that's Viagra. No, it must be vicodin, because Viagra will make me hurt myself even worse. But then again, boom boom releases endorphins, the body's painkillers.... some of my friends would try both.

• Woman performing oral sex on driver causes vehicle to crash into FedEx truck, officials say
• Where, you ask? Florida, of course.
• meh - what's the worst thing that could happen? 

The Apocalypse Will Be Televised
And it will look a lot like ‘The Masked Singer’

It's funny when reality catches up with me....

And sad.

Biden urges ban on assault-style weapons and gun age limits

Wow - who saw THAT one coming?

#ImpeachBiden

Presidents and Congress have been hacking away at the Constitution for years and years. Let's make sure they get no further.

• Ringo Starr has received an honorary doctorate from the Berklee Academy of Music
• This set off a twelve hour scholarly debate on whether he was Sir Doctor Ringo Starr or Doctor Sir Ringo Starr.

Johnny Depp is playing on the rest of the Jeff Beck tour. 

blah.

Don't get me wrong- I like the guy, but he's not exactly in Jeff's league.

They may be working on an album. 

Sometimes Jeff's judgment....

Mohammad Visits the DMV

 

Your love is like  extra math classes

Driverless cars could force other road users to drive more efficiently

also more carefully, because they don't want the driverless cars to hit them...

Today I identify as  25 year old classic dust

• Headbutts hurt the brain, even for a musk ox
• Who could have seen this coming? 
• NFL chooses to ignore, lawyers celebrate

New Zoom Flaws Could Let Attackers Hack Victims Just by Sending them a Message

Stop using Zoom - it's a piece of donkey dung. There are many alternatives, some secure. Try Wire.

Flying AIDS News 

Kids 5 to 11 get FDA OK for COVID-19 booster doses

Top Biden health officials sound warning on rising coronavirus infections

What the public wants in COVID news vs. what the press provides

Pfizer warns of “constant waves” of Covid as complacency grows

Pfizer says 3-dose COVID vaccine for under 5s produces strong immune response

trials begin in-the-womb 

Monkeypox cases investigated in Europe, US, Canada and Australia

Somebody wake Fauci - we need another PANIC!!!

Sixth child in US dies of unexplained hepatitis as global cases top 600

Don't worry - Pfizer's already on it 

The Biden administration announced it is sending $24 billion to Ukraine this week and more next week. When asked how it's going to pay for that, Biden brought up his new Bathroom Tax. Whenever you go to the bathroom, you pay a tax on it. To be fair to lower wage earners, the tax will be a flat fee of $5. So if you go four times a day, just mail $20 to Good Ole Joe, c/o White House, DC.

Little Feat's Waiting for Columbus, their 1978 live album, is being released, with a whole bunch of new shows added. With or without the extra material and tweaking, Waiting for Columbus is a great live album. The latest version of Little Feat is missing 3 (dead) numbers and I'm not too sure I want to listen to this version. But buy the album - if you aren't up and playing invisible percussion, you are probably deceased.

I notice it almost daily: all emails must be on one topic only. If you send an email like this:

1. I need your hours

2. I'm going to touch your wife inappropriately

Response:  40

People don't read or can't deal with more than one thing at a time. 

1. hey - nice shirt today!

2. the boss wants to see you before you leave. He's pissed.

Response: Thanks! I got it a long time ago.

Try it.

The Continuing Saga of Mowing 

It never stops. 

The rain.

And because the rain never stops, the grass weeds continue to grow.

And because the weeds continue to grow, I have to mow them.

And I have PTSD because a lawn mower did something to me when I was little. Or something. I hate mowing. And grass.

We have an electric mower that has done a great job for years. And now the battery is not taking a charge. No problem, go to the manufacturer's site and find it. Oops. Can't find.

Look elsewhere. Can't find. Because when you search for a battery, all you get is battery chargers. Even using the part number.

Back to the manufacturer and there it is: only $85. Out of stock and discontinued.

So to pile on the aggravation, we need a new mower. The similar ones start at $300 and ramp up rapidly. I paid less for cars than some of these mowers. It just has to cut the grass.. I'm not looking for Bluetooth, baggers, body-shredders, or DNA cleaning. The idea of self-mowers is good, but it would just try to mow then commit suicide (like the dehumidifiers).

When we visited Arizona, many of the 'lawns' were dirt and rocks. I fell in love. I wanted to concrete the rear, but was officially told no. Something about being harder to find the bodies, but I stopped listening after No. If you watch the grass and concentrate, you can see it fscking grow. The dead mower is sitting there and you can watch the grass growing past it and trying to eat the mower. The dog has to be watched because sometimes she disappears in the weeds.

Looking at goog maps and driving around the block, I notice there are a lot of houses. Therefore, a lot of homeowners. How do these people do it? Our house-buying experience was like falling down a recently-sharpened set of metal steps. Each one a deep wound and another problem. Our home ownership experience has been like the buying experience, with a couple more floors of steps added, just for fun. It would have been nice if one of the many homeowners on the planet would have told us something. Anything. Just a little tip. Stuff about mowing. Interest rates. Teaching the dog not to bark at the neighbors. Something.

My guitar fund is actually in negative numbers.

RIP Alan White, who played the drums on John Lennon's Imagine, as well as being a member of Yes, since 1972.

• If you want a fast, accurate market reading, ask a stripper
• it makes sense - read the article 

I don't know if it was a state thing or a federal thing or just plain old weather modification, but we only have two seasons; winter and summer.  We just went from the 50s to the 90s. Summer is upon us. It seems to be really late this year, like falling gas prices. $70 to fill the car. Given the choice, I'd take summer. I could deal with never wearing a coat.

We went out of state to a Mem

orial Day hamfest. As you no doubt remember, a hamfest is a flea market for radios, electronics, and Various Other Stuff<tm>.  We thought it would be mobbed, because people are springing forth from their state-mandated Flying AIDS lockdowns, but alas, it wasn't so great. The amount of crap being sold is always mesmerizing, as well as the sheer variety. Anything from ancient parts removed from ancient tube equipment to DVDs. Mrs. lefty loves DVDs like I love sleeping late. Really bad old movies. Really bad black and white old movies from before anyone was born. There was computer equipment too, but I gave up when the computer's sticker said WINDOWS XP (although linux would run fine).  It was more for the experience than the purchasing, although I've made some great purchases. We made our customary stop at Waffle House. You need to stop laughing when I say that. We don't have Waffle House anywhere near us. Their waffles are just like....  waffles. I think we go for the show. Which is definitely preferable to going for the coffee, which may be made using old, used  ashtrays. The internal children love it to death. I just want to warn you... if you have PTSD, you really shouldn't go in there. The screaming, plate smashing, and cooking noises are really too much and could trigger an episode in the most well-appearing veteran. It sent me right back to Nam, in a sweetened cereal paddy....

SO hamfest has no porcine relevance. Radio amateurs are 'hams'.

This is not to be confused with CBs, which are operated by loud inbreds, who feel the need to add echo to their radios. I don't want to paint with too broad a brush.. I'm only referring to 95% of them.

• According to Gene Simmons, Kiss are retiring out of pride and self-respect.
• Sorry Gene, that ship sailed over 20 years ago...

It was dark and the rain had been falling all day. Few were gathered at graveside to support the widow. After everyone got done lobbing stuff into the grave, they proceeded to the party. The main question on everybody's mind was what happened? 

Since it's not polite to ask this sort of thing of the widow, Mrs. lefty, people lined up to ask.

She looked at the small assemblage and said, "He walked into his office Monday, and everything just worked. He had a heart attack and died."

Lately it's been printers, although it's not limited to them. Since we only print once a month or less, issues aren't common. One would think you plug the printer's USB into the laptop and hit PRINT. But you silly mortals don't understand the finer points of operating computers, networks, and printers.

1. Turn on the printer: this is where it can all go wrong immediately.
2. Plug in the printer cable: it's hard for even my coworkers to mess this up
3. Hit PRINT
4. Wait for an error. There's always an error.

In order to keep printer prices low, manufacturers build in the Intermittent Invisible Fault option. When this activates, you can plug it in, reboot the pc, reboot the printer, and hang upside down from the ceiling, but it's not going to work. If you're a Level 11 Masochist, you may call Support, which cannot even begin to diagnose the problem because it's intermittent and won't act up for them.

If you've plugged in more than 3 printers, you tell the computer to print a test page. This will fail miserably. This morning the error was "Out of Paper."  Folks, even our president could tell there was paper in the printer, but I tried to look perfesshionel and reseated the paper. I even added more paper to confuse things. Of course the printer won: it had PRE-confused things.

Then you bring up the printer queue. This tells you what the printer has to print, if it hasn't already. So I printed a test page, watched it zip through the queue and completely failed to print. So as far as the computer was concerned, the printer printed. This means the printer is stupid. But how can the printer be stupid if it deliberately fails to print? The only one upset here is me.

It is at this point that you need to go back to #2: Plug in the printer cable. I can't tell you how many times this has saved me hours of work.

It's not like there's any particular brand of printer I have problems with, although I prefer HP because they play well with linux. Perhaps the printer is female and throws up errors because I don't pay enough attention to it. I don't care: there's a female wife and a female dog in the house... I don't need any additional agita.

The printer itself is located out of the way, so it doesn't produce more clutter, making it very difficult to launch across the room or the house. Perhaps I can get the dog to bark at it.

The only sensible action is to state "I ask too much" and go on to something else. Cuz you know the thing will start spitting out pages at 4 tomorrow morning.

The only acceptable for ThermionicEmissions Depp news: Johnny flew across the pond and appeared onstage with the one and only Jeff Beck, Thermionic's favorite guitar player and one of the world's best. But let's face it - Depp is not in Mr. Beck's league and doesn't really belong onstage with him. It's nice to have friends.

Don't Count Your Chickens Before the Barn Door Closes

 

Your love is like  standing in just-poured road tar for a bit

• Couple in India sue son for not giving them a grandchild
• might be a good idea to stay out of India. For so many reasons. 

Today I identify as  a homicidal black Asian Jew whose weapon is a lawnmower

NSA Says ‘No Backdoor’ for Spies in New US Encryption Scheme

Would we lie to you? No, really, we're telling the truth. Even WE can't break it. Please believe us. Things will be different this time. 

• MindMed Collaborators Announce Positive Topline Data from Phase 2 Trial Evaluating LSD in Anxiety Disorders
• That should be interesting, especially when they drive cars. [Chong voice] Hey - why don't they keep those purple dragons off the road, man?
• How is your anxiety going to be treated when you see the house trying to eat you?
• Above all - don't eat the brown acid

Your Government at Work  

E.U. Proposes New Rules for Tech Companies to Combat Online Child Sexual Abuse

• it's for the children 
• no politician will be seen voting against a child abuse bill, no matter how invasive or wrong it is
• courts have ruled you have no expectation of privacy in public - now you have no expectation of privacy in encrypted messaging, definitely including WhatsApp, Messenger, and Instagram. And all others.
•  this is how the Patriot Act and many other laws were put into effect

F.B.I. Told Israel It Wanted Pegasus Hacking Tool for Investigations

see above 

• US secretly issued subpoena to access Guardian reporter’s phone records
• we make the rules, we break the rules... go on home... nothing to see here...

• San Francisco Police Are Using Driverless Cars as Mobile Surveillance Cameras
• Surveillance State. Make fun of Alex Jones, but he predicted this.

• ICE 'now operates as a domestic surveillance agency,' think tank says
• We sure have a lot of these, in our Surveillance State. The *I* stands for immigration. Why are they surveilling citizens? They also enforce copyrights. I've seen film of them arresting a flea market vendor for counterfeit goods (NFL).

If you're a Grindr user, there's a bit of a problem. The ad companies got all your information through Grinder. This is actually a normal thing.

Don't worry, they won't out you. They'll just advertise to you, which may be worse.

Ukraine conflict: Russian soldiers seen shooting dead unarmed civilians

Lieutenant: SHOOT THEM!

Private: why?

Lieutenant: BECAUSE I SAID SO!

Private: But Comrade, they're already dead.

Lieutenant: AND THIS IS A PROBLEM WHY?

Private: Sir, they can't hurt us.

Lieutenant: WHAT IF THEY'RE FAKING IT?

Private: Sir, most of them are without limbs or have their heads blown off.

Lieutenant: THEY COULD BE NOT COMPLETELY DEAD, PRIVATE

Private: Even if they were, they have no guns or knives.

Lieutenant: YOU NEVER KNOW. THEY COULD HAVE GRENADES OR BOMBS 

SECRETED ABOUT THEIR PERSONS.

Private: Sir, there's very little left of their persons.

Lieutenant: THEY COULD HAVE GRENADES

Private: Where?

Lieutenant: THESE BODIES ARE TRICKY. MAYBE THEY HAVE BOMBS IN THEIR ORIFICES.

Private: There are few orifices left, after the officers got to them.

Lieutenant: THEY COULD BE POISONED.

Private: if they were poisoned, they would have been poisoned then shot.

Lieutenant: NO, YOU IDIOT, THEY COULD HAVE POISONED PARTS, LIKE SKIN, SO WHOEVER COMES IN CONTACT GETS IT.

Private: Sir, there is precious little skin left after we Swiss cheesed them.

Lieutenant: LOOK - I HAVE TO SHOOT SOMEBODY. WHAT WAS YEARS OF  TRAINING FOR?

Private: I think the Kremlin will have our heads for using too much ammunition. You know what happens then....

Lieutenant: WHAT?

Private: they shoot us.

• speaking of which, McDonald's is pulling out of Russia for good after 30 years
• Russia has pretty much ground to a halt, trying to figure out whether this is a bad thing or a good thing.

Author Benjamin Myers on the crop-circle makers who 'blew people's minds'

Wow, a book on two perfect geniuses pulling a stunt that was already proved disingenuous. They went into fields and created circles. The debunkers immediately said this was how all crop circles were created. Sure, people from ancient times on have been creating their own crop circles. 

• I am by no means a crop circle expert
• Legitimate crop circles were studied under a microscope. There is a bulge where the crop was bent, indicating great heat. No so in human circles. It has been present for quite a while before Doug and Dave, and will be there after. It's science, folks. Even better than Fauci Science.

• why is my phone upside down every time I reach for it? I go to push a power button that isn't there.

Elon Musk puts Twitter deal on hold over fake account details

This doesn't pass the smell test.

Flying AIDS News

House panel alleges cover-up by contract vaccine maker

Here’s the latest good and bad news about COVID-19 drugs

Switch to Moderna booster after Pfizer shots better against omicron in 60+

Life-threatening inflammation is turning COVID-19 into a chronic disease

BA.2.12.1 poised to become dominant in US, raising concern for future vaccines

Covid hospitalisation may affect thinking similar to 20 years of ageing

My good friends at Microsoft put out the Xbox S, which has no disc drive.

Sheer genius.

Now that it's out, they're looking for ways to validate discs and get them to the box. Good timing, guys. 

Hey, I know the answer: put a friggin disc drive in it. It will make it 1.25" taller, unless it's shoehorned into the side.

Btw, earlier units had the microphone on permanently. This probably does too. I don't know why people buy these, unless they snip the mic wires....

• It's not that I'm stupid - I prefer to think of myself as smart after the fact....

You know that I hate mowing. It has become worse lately, due to the constant rain, which causes constant growth of the mostly green stuff in the ground. The funny, almost personal fact is that last year, Mrs. lefty used weed and feed, or something like that, which got rid of the weeds. It got rid of the weeds so well, there are now new and better weeds. At last count, there were three or four blades of actual grass; the rest were weeds. I know the authorities are going to come after me, as they have every time I used the flamethrower. I can't afford the cost of a landscaper to remove the weeds and go with sand or rocks or lizards.

The new and better weeds are so strong, they grow in clumps and when the dog's line gets wound around them, she gets stuck. They also have a strange effect on the mower. Every time I use it, I get a small portion done, then the battery is discharged. Like my car. So after defeating every safety feature built into the mower so it would operate, now the battery's shot. Or the new and better weeds are sucking out the power in the battery. It's not enough that I have to have the entire 12 horse brigade drag me from my beloved couch to mow, now I can only mow so much before the battery gives up its last. It was especially important because of the impending rainstorm. I don't hear about this stuff, but apparently everyone else had. Rain, sleet, Santa, hail, and falling elephants. The local schools sent the kids home early. There were other storms all though the state. So I stayed dry and the grass stayed largely unmowed. And everything except grass will grown at a nuclear pace, further frightening the mower. We apparently need a new one. I don't know where they come from... perhaps the stork. They just tend to appear. I suspect Wife has something to do with it. Anything large and expensive usually has her fingerprints on it.

• Someone also flipped the Ant Switch. One day, no ants. Next day, rather a lot of ants.

An Arm CPU ran on electricity generated by algae for over 6 months

an AMD Ryzen CPU ran on electricity generated by nose-picking for 3 months

a current Intel chip ran on electricity generated by whale poop for 9 months

an RISC chip ran for 12 months on actual electricity, then burnt up

• Bosses using AI to hire candidates risk discriminating against disabled applicants
• Has anybody ever considered interviewing candidates? You can easily get past the discrimination....

AI networks are less than 5 years away.

Great, now your network will discriminate against black people and disabled people.

Some state lawmakers are introducing bans on everything abortion, down to contraception. These people have gone completely insane in their attempt to control everything. To the best of my knowledge, contraception is only a problem with Catholics. We may assume these legislators are Catholic. If they're not Catholic, their excuse is that abortion kills. Contraception prevents what they describe as life, but is not life itself. Can you imagine if sperm were life? Contraception would be a holocaust. Masturbation unthinkable. Will there be people stationed in every male's bedroom in case of nocturnal emissions? These people really need to calm down a bit and think this through, not that this ever stopped them before.

Absolutely Thinking About Getting Around to Doing Something About the Lawn

Your love is like  marijuana edibles without the marijuana

• Australia has mandatory voting. Some French said they didn't vote because nothing will change. The US stays home, watching Americans Idle and the new Kardashians show. Ultimately, only the French are correct.

Today I identify as  a chest of drawers

Yes, it's that time again. Time when the repeated rains (Hello, London!) cause certain grass to grow. And by certain grass, I mean mine. It might not even be grass, but it's green and it grows and I have to mow it. It grows in clumps, as does most of my yard. It grows mainly in front, so I can share the view of unmowed grass with my neighbors, who hopefully know of my trauma and PTSD around lawnmowers. Nobody knows where from the trauma comes... perhaps I was bitten by a lawnmower when I was little. The doctors can't tell. Wife says it's weeds and we have to put some chemicals on them so just the grass will grow and I don't have to cut it every few minutes. Well.... wife..... get out the ($&# chemicals. You're not making this any easier on me. But then again, that may be the definition of wife.

• Stone Age people may have gathered at night to watch animated “fireside art”
• The Masked Furry would not go into production for a few thousand years...

Efforts to ban books jumped an 'unprecedented' four-fold in 2021, ALA report says

Book banning efforts are inspiring readers to form banned book clubs

C'mon people - it's 2022 - can we do away with the pitchforks and torches?

No.

Every Teen in the US Can Now Get Free Access to Banned Books

How Democracies Spy on Their Citizens

Please read this - knowledge is good  

WINNING!

Army of worm larvae hatch from man’s bum, visibly slither under his skin

It's great that 'magazines' review cars, for obvious reasons. However, I really don't understand why somebody reviewed the new electric Fedex truck. First they mention the 'infotainment' system. Why do delivery drivers need more than a radio? I can't imagine the bosses approving this. Then they mention certain areas being spartan. IT'S A DELIVERY TRUCK, STUPID. It's not the latest Porch SUV or a Lamborghini. More from the review....

• It has four tires. They are very effective at sticking to the road, and as part of the peppy electrical drive system.
• It does not have the VOOM that the Mercedes SUV has.
• the ride suffers when compared to a Cadillac
• room for 12, but only one seat
• surprising amount of room for cargo

Flying AIDS News 

By way of observation, when I've been out, there are very few masks.

Cases of rare vulvar ulcers have been diagnosed in adolescent girls after 2nd dose of Pfizer mRNA vaccine

Mysterious outbreak of hepatitis in children grows, first death reported

Fauci confirms parents’ nightmare: FDA may delay COVID vaccines for kids under 5

Beijing kicks off mass testing after spike in Covid cases

Bill Gates Gives TED Talk Proposing New Global Team to Quickly Prevent Epidemics 

Two words should always make you wary: Bill and Gates. He is not here to help us.

When Tom Justice failed to make the Olympics he decided to use his cycling skills to rob banks instead. 

Now this is the kind of feel-good Olympic story we need!

Presidential Hijinks

Boris Johnson is fighting claims of misogyny.

I told you he was England's Trump 

France's Emmanuel Macron said he's "the president of all."

This will probably come as a surprise to all the other presidents - they're probably humoring him, like Biden.

In certain species of spiders, after insemination, the female eats the male.

This has direct parallels to humans, only it happens painfully slowly, over years.

Sometimes it's so slow, the male doesn't realize it and staunchly denies it to the other males.

Wife is talking back to the tv today. Overheard:

Don't give it to her - she'll use it against you. Women are evil.  

• Google’s AI-Powered ‘Inclusive Warnings’ Feature Is Very Broken
• A feature rolling out this month uses algorithms to suggest edits in Google Docs, but falls into the same bias traps it’s trying to prevent.
• Errr.. why does anyone need their word processor to warn them when their language is not inclusive? Another case of the small diameter squeaky wheel getting the attention. 

The US Is Sending Ukraine a New Type of ‘Suicide’ Drone

Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster (and Grumman). Although we're not going boots on the ground, we're still spending/sending millions in killing technology their way. Although the tech is expensive, it won't develop PTSD and be subject to the VA because it's not returning. So although this doesn't look like Endless War, it still is. In fact, no one can track what we sent to Ukraine. I'm sure the next 'war' is already planned and is heating up.

Elon Musk 

What do you do after you put together $42 billion to buy Twitter?

Watch an Autopiloted Tesla Crash Into a Multimillion-Dollar Jet

It's not like the technology is Not Ready for Prime Time, like I said repeatedly, but it's Not Ready for Prime Time. 

I haven't read anything on it, but I can just feel insurance companies hiring lawyers and ramping up for autopilot.

Speaking of Twitter, it's hilarious to see heads exploding, from staff to users. "OMG - he will allow people to say stuff we don't like!"

I reserve judgment.

Viola Davis responded to critics of her Michelle Obama portrayal

People complained because she pursed her lips too much.

Others complained about her erection.

Seriously? Were her nails not the right length? Teeth not bright enough?

There must be something in the water. Or people need stuff to do.

Finance 

Two 9volt batteries are $10.

Gas went nuts, Exxon showed massive profits, Congress went nuts (redundant, I know), gas went down a bit.

I can't wait to see what happens to prices when this is over. Will they go down to pre-Flying AIDS levels?

Deppaholics 

America (at least) has gone nuts over the Depp/Heard trial.

I'm not a lawyer. I have seen brief snatches of it, so I can't say much.

However, today there was a (smokin' hot) psychologist on the stand, and a Court TV banner that said Heard was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. This is my wheelhouse, having a wife with that diagnosis. Observations:

• MPD is now referred to as Dissociative Identity Disorder, and has been for quite a while. The banner was just there for an exciting headline.
• The MMPI test is a good start for diagnosing DID
• You are not likely to walk in, examine the patient, and come away with a diagnosis of DID unless the person is faking. It *can* take quite a while, provided the therapist believes DID is a legitimate diagnosis. Some are still in the Dark Ages.
• The term 'personality disorder' was being thrown around a lot. Multiple Personality Disorder is not in the category of personality disorders, believe it or not.
• I called it before the psychologist did: Borderline Personality Disorder. This diagnosis would cover Heard's alleged volatility and odd behavior. Again, I don't know too much about her and BPD was a decent guess.

When watching trials, you start to realize how lonnnnng and drawn out they are. 

They ask some of the most interesting questions:

• What were you wearing on the first day of your job, twenty years ago?
• Did you have any previous school experience when you started college?
• Have you ever seen your mother naked?
• Have you ever seen your parents 'do it'?
• Where were you, Sir, at the moment of your birth?
• Were you bottle or breast-fed? And don't tell me you don't know.
• Have you ever been to a Turkish prison?
• When was the first time you dressed as a woman, ma'am?
• Did you, in fact, have a cat that you referred to as Dog?
• How long have you been an adolescent, son?

It's Raining, It's Mowing

Your love is like  a mallet to the nuts

Today in Olympic news:  People cheered.

 You know my relationship with mowing... I'd rather chew my limbs off than mow.

So naturally it's Mowing Time<tm>.

Technically it was Mowing Time<tm> last week, but all we've had is rain lately. This had the effect of making our lawn look like Vietnam before Agent Orange (note: this is before my time, but I put it in for hip effect. It means 'jungle'). So in addition to the rain, the mower broke.

Although this is a combination of Christmas and July 4th for me, it's only a matter of time til the Crazy Lady calls the city to complain that our jungle is 1/8" over regulation. So it's Man of the House Troubleshooting Mode<tm>. Wife says the 'key' is lost. God, I hope the mower never gets the key. Some day I'll wake up to find it staring at me from the foot of the bed. The 'key' is a little plastic switch that allows the motor to start. Actually it allows the handlebars to engage, allowing the motor to start. Worx had some really good lawyers or some really big lawsuits to have these safety mechanisms in place.

So I went to the Worx page, which had precious little on service or parts or prayer. I typed 'plastic' into the search and got a whole page of new mowers and two female self-massage devices. I had no idea they were into this sort of thing. Wife called them and after laughing hysterically, they said they have no plastic switchy key thingies. Amazon had lithium ion batteries, which I'm sure were nice, but weren't exactly what we were looking for (unless maybe they worked in the self-massaging devices). So we were still down one mower. 

I was between a rock and an ICBM launch pad. I love not mowing, but if I avoided thinking about it, we'd have to buy a new mower. I rate things in terms of how many guitars they would buy me. A new mower would buy me one really cheap guitar or a down-payment on something nicer. So to stop her from spending, it was necessary to investigate the mower. This is like an atheist investigating Jesus and Satan; painful with little purpose. 

So I took the blasted thing apart. Mistake number one. Then tried out the switch moved by the plastic switchy key thing. Nothing. Smart designers... it was mechanical and relied on the handlebar thingies. So there I was with one of those exploded lawnmowers, as if I took every little piece of it apart to display it on a mat, like they do with drag racers. This is sometimes fun, as it gives wives all over the planet a near cardiac event. Great Gosh Amighty, Hubby is 'fixing' something. Again. 

Now here is where there's some sunshine: I could obviously fix it (obvious to whom, I don't know). Wife had an honest impressed facial expression, not because I could fix it, but because we didn't have to buy a new one. She didn't care about the money - she wanted to save on overnight shipping because the lawn was starting to attract jungle researchers with khaki hats and shorts and British accents. Regardless of the source of her expression, I proceeded to figure the guts of the thing out. [song] The green wire goes to the black wire. The black wire goes to the white wire. The white wire goes to the battery. And the battery explodes. 

I ask if she has her phone there to take a picture of the wires before I disassemble it. No. She tells me to tell her the wire position. I fall for this every time, like Charlie Brown (kick the ball, Charlie Brown). She can't remember what she just said, no less 4 wire positions. So I tell her. Three minutes later she comes out with a paper and pen, asking for the wire positions, that I already have taken apart, because she said she'd remember. It's a wonder we've physically survived this long, BOTH of us. 

So I figured it out. 

Bypassing every safety feature ever thought of or designed into a mower, I made it work. It's so illegal, I have to mow quickly, before the Mower Police come to get me. 

Think about this: a perfectly good $300(whatever) mower can be made completely useless by a fifteen cent piece of plastic, unless you have some idea of how to fix it.

Because we have rain and the occasional sunny day, it's sunny, so the jungle is wet. Wet and tall is a bad combination for a mower designed to take care of a normal yard. The battery discharged in 15 minutes. While that's nice for me, it's not nice for me later, as I'll just have to go out and mow again, hoping I get more than 15 minutes out of the battery. Then I'll get 'talked to' because the front lawn isn't done yet. I must have some weird ability to bilocate, with the mower, to mow the rear and front lawn at the same time. Oops, I forgot.

All mowers hate grass taller than they are. Wet grass moreso. Then I had to figure out whether to mow long strips or short strips, or random strips. Should I go over what I just did to keep the wet grass down?  I hate having to raise the mower and come down on the grass because if I run straight into it, the mower will stall. Hasn't anybody found a neighborhood kid who wants to buy a car by October? I'll pay.

• for breakfast, at 3pm, after mowing, nothing beats a nice cool melon. And to wash it down, some chocolate chocolate chip cookies.
• every now and then I flash back to my grandmother, who would cut up the melons in bite-size cubes for me
• Wife subtly reminds me those days are long gone, with a melon in one hand and a long, sharp knife in the other. Sometimes she doesn't pick up the melon.

Today I identify as  an old cell phone, with important info, that won't charge

Chase Bank Cancels General Mike Flynn's Credit Cards

..citing reputational damage. 

Do they think he's doing adult entertainment on OnlyFans?

• this week's stupid new word: workation
• definition: going somewhere else to work
• fans of the word say "It's even better than staycation!"

But seriously, folks.... going somewhere else to work?

I guess the reviews mention how comfortable the couch is first.

Yeah, I gotta tell ya... the vacation house let in a lot more light than my house.

I felt way more productive.

I wasn't at all jealous that the wife and kids went out and had fun every day

Wife wasn't impressed: I was still too tired to have sex.

Slow internet.

Can't bang my secretary when wife and kids go out

Breathing salt air makes me feel way different than breathing home air

Irony Department 

Radio host 'Mr. Anti-vax' dies of... you guessed it.

Texas anti-mask movement leader dies.... 

Children are going back to school.

But now we have the new Flying AIDS.

The original Flying AIDS kept children out of school.

So why are the children still going back to school?

US Spy Agencies: COVID-19 'Not a Bioweapon,' Can't Rule Out Lab Hypothesis

Still. No. Idea.

Mrs. lefty has the Gremlins or something.

She walks by the table and something leaps off.

She picks up a bag of brownie mix and it explodes.

She walks by anything and trips on it.

I suggested we find some sage, shove it up her ass, and burn it.

• President Taxit is at it again
• Biden's gambling on another death tax to fund his budget goals
• Once again, you voted for him and we all have to pay for it

China is aiming to develop miles-wide, 'ultra-large' spacecraft:

Phoenix Lights, anyone? 

• Parents Must Pay Son $45,000 for Trashing His Eclectic VHS Porn Collection
• just try to get "Hey, My Grandma is a Whore 3" on VHS! 

Since it's been days since the last Tesla nightmare...

So your Tesla is on Autopilot. What happens next?

No, not a random battery explosion...

Days after an inquiry into Teslas hitting emergency vehicles...

It crashes into a highway patrol car.

you can't pay for this kind of publicity.

Tesla: FSCK THE POLICE!

• Rugby: Head impact study says players' cognitive function can decline after one season
• hang on a second... do you mean to tell me a bunch of guys slamming into each other all night can cause cognitive decline? Like American football, but worse? 

Experts: WH Cybersecurity Summit Should Be Followed by Regulation, Enforcement

Our government never met a thing it couldn't screw up by regulating it.

Work is fun, but there is a serious side too.... I have no idea what group's history month this is.

My employer has allowed its employees to flounder around, not knowing. Can you imagine?

I know we've done black, Pacific islanders, women, and LGBTQ. I hope they didn't start left handed history month without consulting me first. I've been waiting for left handed history month since AOL was the Big Man on Campus. Then we can take one, one single day, for left handed guitarist day. This is nothing but a dream. So give generously to the Fund for Left Handed History Month and make me a happy blogger.

I'm going to put my money where my mouth is and list some famous lefties

Musicians

1. Jimi Hendrix - sales rep for Fender and Marshall
2. Paul McCartney - performed with 3 other small time teabags
3. Phil Collins - was at the genesis of progressive rock
4. Cesar Rosas - Los Lobos
5. David Bowie - he played it right hand
6. Lady Gaga - meat industry rep
7. Ringo Starr - plays righty
8. Tony Iommi - tuned down a bit
9. Harpo Marx - used a left handed harp
10. Bun E Carlos - pulled a cheap trick
11. Kurt Cobain - not as good a guitar player as his drummer
12. Justin Beiber - hey, I didn't make the list up
13. Billy Cyrus - yes, I know
14. Mike Gibbins - Badfinger drummer
15. Iggy Pop
16. Dick Dale - played upside down
17. Albert King - played upside down
18. Elvis Costello - plays right handed
19. Duane Allman - played right handed
20. Johnny Rotten - sang left handed
21. Joey Ramone - played right handed
22. Isaac Hayes - found religion on tv
23. Stuart Copeland - policed to play right handed
24. Joe Perry - plays right handed
25. Joe Cocker - air guitared left handed
26. Mark Knopfler - plays right handed
27. Gary Moore - played right handed
28. Ian Paice - deepest of the purple drummers
29. Elliot Easton - got famous with cars
30. Al McKay - EW&F
31. Seal - plays upside down
32. Paul Simon - plays right handed, Garfunkel's mate
33. Bob Dylan - plays right handed
34. Ludwig van Beethoven - too many syllables for fame
35. CF Martin - Martin Guitars' founder
36. Mozart - had the one name thing centuries before Cher and Madonna
37. leftystrat - you'd never know he wasn't normal

Left-handed are more inclined to artistic professions, to give an instance, lefties are about 10% to 15% of the general public, while among entertainers they are roughly 50%  (yet still the guitars are more expensive)

1. Keanu Reeves - Bill. Or Ted, I forget
2. Tom Crusie - yeah, probably
3. Nicole Kidman
4. Oprah - drove off a bridge and all her followers followed her
5. Barack Obama - first to piss off the blacks AND the whites
6. Bill Clinton - penis worked diligently in DC, married to Satan
7. George H.W. Bush - buried bodies around DC, had a special needs son
8. Gerald Ford
9. Harry Truman
10. Herbert Hoover
11. Thomas Jefferson - a slave to his job
12. JFK - made Dallas what it is today
13. J Edgar Hoover - hated gays because he was one
14. Benjamin Franklin - British gigolo, first to say "go fly a kite"
15. Albert Einstein- suck it, righties
16. Desmond Tutu - inspired the garment that bears his name
17. Fidel Castro - blew his nose in the general direction of the US
18. Mahatma Ghandi
19. Ruth Bader Ginsburg - warmed a bench with some dudes
20. AOC - just on the other side of common sense
21. Rand Paul - half a libertarian
22. Bob Dole
23. Prince Charles - inspired ear muffs
24. Prince William - is he the good son or the bad son?
25. Tiberius - Captain Kirk's middle name
26. Henry Ford - inspired the first workers' union
27. Benjamin Netanyahu - famous Jewish person
28. Winston Churchill - cigar tester
29. a lot of the King Georges - men with numbers after their names
30. Robert Redford - minor character actor
31. Cary Grant - good with accents
32. JFK Jr - pilot who failed to miss the water
33. Mark Twain - something something books
34. H.G. Wells
35. Lewis Carroll - wrote Alice in Wonderland after testing some really good LSD
36. Dan Aykroyd - brother who plays harmonica right handed
37. Richard Pryor
38. Paul Prudhomme - often mistaken for Dom De Luise
39. Carol Burnett - seeing red
40. Mark Hamill - seeing stars
41. Judy Garland
42. Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins, Buzz Aldrin - NASA employees
43. Leonardo da Vinci - wrote neato futuristic stuff down a lot
44. Napoleon Bonaparte - kept cocaine inside his shirt
45. Bill Gates - something to do with computers, not well liked
46. Amar Bose - the speakers
47. Lord Zuck - has a lot of info
48. Steve Jobs - because of him, we have lower case "i" in front of everything
49. Charlie Chaplin
50. Joan of Arc - named after the arc in France
51. Aristotle
52. Friedrich Nietzsche
53. Alexander the Great - if he were right handed, he wouldn't be so great
54. Jack the Ripper - probably left handed, due to crime scene evidence
55. Babe Ruth - a candy bar
56. John McEnroe - also plays guitar lefty
57. Jimmy Connors - also plays guitar lefty
58. LeBron James - some sports guy
59. Caitlyn Jenner - stop it
60. John Dillinger - ran afoul of the IRS
61. Billy the Kid
62. Jim Henson, most of the muppets
63. Ned Flanders
64. Helen Keller - blind, deaf, and left handed. The woman didn't stand a chance.
65. Marie Curie - Nobel scientist
66. Matt Groening - Simpsons creator
67. Michelangelo - a lefty who jumped the fence, training himself to write right handed
68. Aristotle - got paid to think
69. Julius Caesar - invented the salad
70. Nikola Tesla - fan of high voltage ac, heard voices on the radio
71. Dave Barry - funny writer, also plays guitar
72. Douglas Adams - hitchhiker, played with Pink Floyd and Procol Harum
73. Rembrandt - wrote "I'll be there for you"
74. Vincent Van Gogh - ear surgeon
75. Don Rickles - started the hockey puck craze

Heartbreakers

1. Julia Roberts
2. Kate Hudson
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Goldie Hawn
5. Jennifer Lawrence
6. Denise Richards
7. Angie Harmon
8. Fran Drescher - only for her voice
9. Julianna Margulies
10. Kelly Osbourne (just kidding)
11. Jodi Lyn O'Keefe
12. Angeline Jolie
13. Marilyn Monroe

Alfred Hitchcock frequently had left-handed lead actresses in his films, which include Kim Novak, Tippi Hedren, and Eva Marie Saint.

Looks good - or not - your choice