Washing Machine Beauty Pageant

Your love is like  slamming your finger in a car door

Michigan school superintendent is forced to deny rumor that LITTER BOXES were provided for students who are FURRIES after outraged mom claimed kids are being encouraged to identify as cats and dogs

Today I identify as  Bob Dylan

Today's most coherent headline

Caf ruling means Comoros without recognised keeper for last-16 tie live on BBC

 You need a new pillow

Why - the current one works great.

It's kinda old. Who knows what's crawling around inside.

Like me?

I bought you two to choose from.

So this is a done deal and you're just notifying me?

They're really nice.

I tried one once. Couldn't sleep. I'll try again (because there are no other pillows in the house).

How was the pillow? 

Tall.

How did you sleep? 

I didn't.

But those are the top of the line Memory Pillows. They remember better than we do.

I believe you.

I love them. I sleep well on them.

You mean when you sleep, right?

Ok, fine. What's wrong with them? 

Remember my old pillow? It was an old POS, about 3" tall?

Yes, it was old, ugly, and needed to be replaced.

The pillows that remember are about 6" tall.

Aren't they great? 

Aside from hurting my neck and not being able to sleep, they're wonderful. What we have here seems to be a problem in the vertical plane. Whereas your Remembering pillow is 6" tall and causes all sorts of trouble, my old pillow, which apparently threw itself out when I wasn't looking, only ventured 3" vertically, but performed flawlessly. Will your pillow remember if we saw it in half?

But we'll never find one like your old POS, thin pillow.

This presents a problem, doesn't it? Do you mean to tell me no store on earth has POS thin pillows?

I don't think so. I'll look.

["I'll look" translates to "You'll love that pillow. Just give it a chance. Don't sleep for a week and twist your neck around backwards."]

Meanwhile, at dinner.......

Here, have some cauliflower.

I don't like cauliflower.

It's good for you.

That's nice, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't like it.

It's innocuous.

It looks like brains.

Just try it.

I have tried it. I don't like it.

It has vitamins in it.

So does my vitamin bottle.

Just eat it for a week.

It makes my stomach vault it out at ridiculous speeds. It could take your head off.

One week.

If it makes me nauseous, why do you think I should eat it?

It's good for you.

I have a neat concept: allow me to decide what's good for me.

Oprah made pizza crust out of it.

I'll bet she didn't eat it.

I put some in your pasta last night.

I couldn't understand why your pasta made me want to decorate the walls. It's always been so good. I didn't want to say anything....

UPDATE: new pillow appeared. Looks to be same size as Deep Memory pillows.

Sometimes it's just me (?)  

I know I'm different than the other employees.

When I was little, my mom used to tell me I was different than the other boys. Now that I'm older, 'different' has a different definition.

At work, once a month, I receive a file. I add some specific information and post it to our group's file share. I sent out an email to let everyone know, with a link.

This was my first mistake.

In a recent meeting, everyone wanted to know where that file I used to put together is. [start of banging my head on the desk]

COWORKER 1: I need to get a copy of it.

ME: Look in the group's file share.

COWORKER 1: I liked when you sent it in spreadsheet format. I can work better with it.

ME: Look in the group's file share.

BOSS: I get a list every month

COWORKER 2: lefty used to send a file out every month

ME: Look in the group's file share.

COWORKER3: I go to a different place to look at it.

ME: That place is old and no longer updated, per the email I sent. Look in the group's file share.

[HUGE crash in my kitchen]

BOSS: Oh, the older list has info the newer doesn't have.

ME: Yes, that's old info. Ignore that.

COWORKER2: Well where do we find that?

ME: Look in the group's file share. TAP TAP TAP - is this thing on?

EVERYBODY: Yes, we can hear you.

ME: [so the roadblock here is understanding me, specifically that the file is in the group's file share, where every single one of files are]

BOSS: I noticed that you have a few versions of the file in the file share.

ME: Yes, they're labeled JANUARY, FEBRUARY, MARCH, etc.

BOSS: I want to delete the old files.

ME: [because no one in the group can tell the difference between clearly labeled months? Why is this a problem? Were my coworkers hired under the Special Initiative, where we hire people who have special needs? Oops, no. The special needs people have no trouble understanding this.]

BOSS: lefty - are you ok with this?

ME: [I try never to argue with the boss, because I like my job. But there has never been a reason to disagree with my boss since I started with the company.] No problem.  [shaking head, which hurts from banging it on the desk Feeling very dizzy.] 

BOSS: Ok, so we can keep the latest month's version only. Is everybody good with this? 

ME: [Ok, no, I am not ok with this. I work with a group of really intelligent people. We get awards for our work. Are you really going to tell me this is an issue? We have wasted an hour and a half of our precious meeting time on me telling people to go look in the place we keep all our files. It seems to be a serious roadblock. Do we need to bring in a consultant to explain this to everyone?]

BOSS: Ok, are we all good on this? 

Everybody: [total silence...crickets]

BOSS: Ok, we'll take it up at the next meeting.

ME: [internal voice: This is why people 'Go Postal' and kill their coworkers]

• Former Pope Benedict failed to act over abuse, new report finds
• just like every other one of them - rout them out from the top and start over

Flying AIDS News 

Booster shots needed against omicron, CDC studies show

Covid: Clashes at Belgium protest against restrictions

German Covid protests turn nasty in row over rules and vaccinations

Vaccine mandates: 'I lost my job for being unvaccinated'

Unvaccinated 5X more likely to get omicron than those boosted, CDC reports

Two cannabinoids have opposing effects on SARS-CoV-2 in culture

New Mexico asks Guard to sub for sick teachers amid omicron

This is a pretty substantial event, even with their lack of teaching certification.

I see this going off the rails, like Biden addressing Qanon

• MATH: Johnny has two AR-15s. Billy has one. How many rounds can Johnny fire?
• HISTORY: The Abrams tank is the most advanced tank ever made - discuss
• SOCIAL STUDIES: After a city defunds the police, who do they call when BLM peacefully loots and sets fire to businesses?
• CHEMISTRY: With airplane fuel at $13 per gallon, how much is wasted every time there is a cross-country 'training flight'? 
• GYM: Give me 20, MAGGOT!

So because work uses Windows, my machine doesn't work. I have to call Helpdesk.

You know you're in trouble when the Helpdesk recording says they're experiencing 'higher than normal call volumes.'

Then it asks you a bunch of questions you can't answer.

Then it asks you if you'd rather just hang up and have the system call you back at first availability.  This is a brilliant scheme on the part of Helpdesk. It works like this: you tell it to call you back and it doesn't. This takes call volume way down.

Eventually you talk to a human (hopefully). They're all in the US, thankfully, but sometimes their regional accents are confusing (Y'all).

When the technician pops up, she recites a paragraph or two that sounds like she's reading it mechanically. She should probably drop in a curse or two, maybe a death threat, to see if I'm listening.

No, this has not happened to anyone else. Just me.

Here's where it gets weird (no, really? just here?): the machines are locked down. I can't do much other than change backgrounds, which I haven't. I have a personal computer if I want to mess with stuff, so it's hands off the work machine. Yet it still drives into a wall and refuses to cooperate. My only theory is that the machine knows how I feel about Windows and breaks itself.

• Just a health reminder: most heart attacks occur while shoveling snow
• Exercise causes cancer
• please take care of yourself - I can't afford to lose any readers
• the CDC, which gets better drugs than the rest of us, says 90% of the US has poor diet, 25% don't exercise

Hippos can recognise their friends' voices

My cousin can, with 90% accuracy. We call her hippo-on-a-bus.

One of the greatest experiences of visiting California was the Sacramento Zoo. I saw the hippos and said, "Look, there's Jean!" Not only were we amused, several of the people around us laughed. I guess they knew her too.

• After 7 years, a spent Falcon 9 rocket stage is on course to hit the Moon
• We spend a lot of time blowing up the Moon. First we blew up something to hear it ring, then we bombed it from Earth, now it's a rocket stage.

Alien1: Kee-rist, they've done it again!

Alien2: Earth has once again thrown something at their moon.

Alien1: If they're not leaving trash, they're bombing it. Dirty species.

Alien2: They can't join the rest of us until they learn good stewardship. Have you seen the space around their planet?

Alien1: It's full of debris, plus spy satellites.

Alien2: It's a sick planet.

Alien1: I guess we better pack up and head home. We'll come back in a couple hundred years and see if they made any progress.

Alien2: I have 500 megaquarks on them weaponizing the moon. Alien3 says they destroy all life and all that's left is their moon and something called Keith Richards.

Alien1: Dude...... The Stones!

• Say you've got 1/4 of the US nuclear weapon stockpile - roughly 2500 warheads. Say it's at Naval Base Kitsap in Washington state (it is).
• How are you going to guard it? With dolphins, of course.
• eels aren't interested, who knew ferrets couldn't swim, and cats kept trying to set off the missiles.

Flying car wins airworthiness certification

This is the future, folks!

The carplane has a single BMW engine, so it won't use turn signals on the ground.

I was really curious about how the space issues were handled, but it requires a pilot license and is handled just like a plane.

The article mentions other companies are working on pilotless planes.

Call me a control freak, but I want a pilot there. I hope there's never a problem, but I want a pilot there, just in case. Large planes have up to three pilots.

I'm funny that way.

for only $92k, you can prepurchase a person-size drone to fly. No license needed.

This entire class will fail when it's discovered you can't give the finger to other flyers.

• Hactivists say they hacked Belarus rail system to stop Russian military buildup
• threaten to make New York City's subway run on time if not paid

SJWow Factor

Virginia Public School Students Made To Play ‘Identify Your Privilege’ Bingo

Samsung pulls ad with drag queen after backlash

M&Ms characters to become more inclusive

Captivity - Day 45 Leave the blasting caps home, jimmy

Dammit, it's weird here.
Moreso.

Since it's a day ending in -Y, the Advanced Coordinated Stereo Lawnmowing Team is out. They have recharged and tuned their instruments, making sure to remove all mufflers. They sounded like one of those SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY commercials, only louder. Their new routine is Synchronized Mowing, whereby they do everything together, from starting, to cutting, to cleaning and hacking up some of the neighbors, and throwing them in the truck. They have a sensor on my phone and in my office, so that when I'm on a call, their mowers go into overdrive. It's fully automatic.

If the mowers somehow run out of gas simultaneously, there's no reason to worry - I live with a percussionist. She had to turn Santana down this year because she wanted to be locally magnificent. She'll somehow break into a percussion solo mid-day or so. This is generally after the mowers stop. The mowers are merely an opening act for the percussion. Percussion also waits until a work call comes in. How do they know? She loves to spontaneously bash some shit, pretending it's my head, then if she can get it loud enough to kill birds.


Hey - yuh know what's going on outside?
Neither do I.

Aside from some memories of a woman arrested on a licking spree. What the hell... didn't we have knife and gun crime? Now we have licking. Next year it'll be a looking spree. Just so you don't feel alone, there have also been blowing nose and a KKK hat sprees. America is a beautiful place, when it's not watching Furries on tv.

Later tonight, Mrs lefty is going to have one of those Telehealth doctor appointments. The substance of the call is a doctor calling you, instead of seeing you in-person. But noooo.... we can't call it that... no sir... we have to give it a special name -Telehealth. The joke, however, is on them, as they get less money for a telehealth visit than a Regular Vitsit, She has the choice of video or audio. This means a video conferencing service or what they refer to as an incredibly complex device with a name that's difficult to pronounce but sounds something like fone. It's like a video conference without the video. The real fun is if you choose phone: while the doctor is talking, you can make faces and blow your nose in his general direction. If you mute the phone, you can even stand there and imitate him. So if you're really bored, and who among us isn't, select the audio only option. NOTE: make sure to use the MUTE function before you start your impressions. Trust me.

Before we sign off, we want to remind you of a word that says it all... a word that will be with us for years.. a word you can use to show your friends how much smarter you are. Yes, it's teledildonics. It is an actual word, for technology to manipulate 'devices' remotely. Use it with pride.

The Russians - It Was the Russians!

It was the Russians, who visited this blog in great numbers. They hacked nothing, did not interfere with any ThermionicEmissions business or elections, and furthermore, did not provide ice cream or ice cream-like substances.

• This is an iAnniversary for the iPhone. Over one billion have been sold, at around $600 per. Barnum was right.

Everybody's favorite "whatever she is", Miley Cyrus, has proclaimed she has no age or gender. I suspect she has no input from certain important parts of her brain that really should be working but have been beaten into submission by alcohol, drugs, or torture. If she makes it to middle age, she's going to be embarrassed.

Having said that, I want to let you know that I have no body. This makes all that extra weight irrelevant and thusly halts the weaning off ice cream and vanilla buttercream frosting. Further, today I identify as a 2N2222 transistor.

Satire aside, I hope she manages to escape and somehow do so with a shred of sanity.

• WARNING: the furries have descended upon Pittsburgh, PA. Run for your lives.

If your computer reboots and you get a ransomware screen, turn the power off immediately, then you can get most of the data off your hard drive. If you don't know how to do this, ask a kid. Of course we don't have to worry about this because we make frequent backups, right?

• Our long national nightmare is over: Marshall got his new pool the other day. The original pool developed many small holes for no apparent reason. Maybe their cheap plastic develops holes via contact with grass - I have no idea.
• Marshall greeted the pool with a serious sniff-over, followed by the ceremonial filling of water, which he proceeded to drink from the hose. He thoroughly soaked himself, randomly got in and out, scrupulously avoiding most of my attempts at taking his picture. A chip off the old block, he is.
• Now, at 3am, when he goes out, he can come in, completely soaked.
• Regardless of hour, we all must listen closely for the ceremonial scream, "SOGGY COCKER!" At this point, we have to get out the towels to cover all surfaces he might perch upon.

Today is Social Media Day. In spite of this, I'm writing shit (professionals call this Creating Content, but I'm fairly distanced from professional) on my blog. After that, I'll log off and hang out with Marshall.

• Something happened today. Something so rare, so odd, so unbelievable, I don't even know how to type it out. But you know me - I'll try anyway.
• The morning 'news', in between social media reports and sports, said it was going to be warm in the morning, hot by noon, and REALLY hot in the afternoon. AND THEY WERE CORRECT.
• I managed to be outside in the afternoon and it was quite hot. Not ridiculously humid, just very humid. But hot. The kind of mostly sunny day in which it's just best to stay inside because the car will overcook your buttocks the moment they hit the seat.
• If we go out, I'll take my freezer packs and duct tape them around my head.

Ukraine Security Service blames Russia for 'Petya' outbreak. Well, who benefits? They were the obvious choice. I'm not saying it was Russia, but that's the quick answer.

• Can someone please explain to me why Scarlett Johanssen cut her hair? Was there a life change? That woman's hair is a national treasure. It's not like she's ever going to look like a boy, but still...

Apparently it's going to be a good/bad season for ticks. Good for ticks, not so good for us. It is recommended to keep grass short to give them no place to hide. Parents should check their kids when they come inside. Because your crazy mom, with OCD, will now have a legitimate excuse to check every hair on your body, methodically, one by one.

The news story on ticks went on to describe how to remove the little buggers. And no tick story would be complete without constant references to lyme disease, including how relatives of the talking heads were diagnosed with it.

• Today's best line: If you need stamps, they're right here in the lion.

Mark Zuckerberg, head of Faceyspaces, says 'Facebook is the new church.' 

Uh-oh.

Is it bigger than Jesus?

I sure hope he won't be laying hands on anyone, other than his wife.

Now we'll have to deal with generations of Face-O-Philes, molesting children digitally.

All money and treasure will be concentrated in the San Francisco area, with no one allowed to see it and no auditing.

Zuckerberg will get Serious Headgear - taller than the pope. He will insist on a similarly lofty title, like Your Poofitude or His Godliness.

Could there have been a better gift to me this morning? I don't think so.

Sexism in Hockey

A student activist group at the University of Michigan is demanding a 'No Whites Allowed' space.  Gee, this sounds an awful lot like... hmmm... what's that word? Oh yeah, racism. Martin Luther King is spinning...

• Very interesting article on three types of propaganda (Russia, China, and Milo) and how to counter them.

Someone (I can't get to the link) thinks white men should pay 5% more taxes because of their white privilege. I think we've reached Peak Stupidity. Or at least I hope we have. Personally, I gave up on this when I couldn't get a right-handed privilege tax enacted.

• Cool program alert: Privazer. This runs under Windows (boo) and cleans up a lot of garbage, from the Recycle Bin to temp files to Win and IE history. There is also a portable version, which doesn't technically install, for PCs you don't have install rights to (of course we never do this).

Over 820,000 user accounts were exposed, as well as potentially every voice communication recorded by a breach at CloudPets. Why?  An unsecured (no password!) database was discovered. The company was alerted multiple times from December 2016 onwards and did nothing.

Hmmm... what happens when you connect something (for children) to the internet and ok it recording everything you say? It records everything you say and sends it up to a server, which gets hacked, whether from gross incompetence (like not passwording your database) or general hacking.

I. Told. You. So.
It gives me no joy to say that.
Who am I kidding... there's nothing quite like an 'I told you so'.

Whether it's kids' toys, Alexa/Echo/Siri/Google stuff you put on your table or in your house or your cell phone to talk to.. this is what is going to happen. Also, every bit of data will be mined and used 'to make advertising more relevant'. And possibly mined by 'other' companies.

• What's next on the Fail Parade?  Air France, with its login password being 4-6 characters, NOT to include special characters. 4-6 character passwords? That's a Nope, Captain.

Ack - FURRIES!

It is not ours to judge.

It is ours to point and laugh hysterically.

• Congrats are in order for Carlos Santana and Joe Walsh, who won Vintage Guitar Magazine's User Award.

Actor Bill Paxton passed, from complications of an operation.

• A car plowed into a Mardi Gras parade in Gulf Shores, Alabama, sending eleven children from the marching band to the hospital (3 critical). I am not fond of marching bands either, but I just don't watch them. It never occurred to me to mow them down.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I'm relating this strictly for amusement. All will be well:

It's been a highly interesting few weeks/months. With all the drama surrounding my mom and the Furry One, it's been a whirlwind.

• Marshall has had ear issues for months. We finally got him to the Doggie Dermatologist, who scheduled a procedure under anesthesia. Marshall went under and his O2 sat dropped (technical thingie meaning Something Bad Happened). They brought him back up, having barely started on an ear. Now he needs diagnostic work from the regular vet to figure out why this happened, then back to surgery again. He has pain medicine, which works well.
• The hole in the large pipe in the basement was patched in short order and remains solid.
• Car #1 went for inspection, will take a week, cost half what we expected.
• Car #2 waits for inspection, runs flawlessly
• We now have an 'interesting' leak in the roof. Insurance will take care of it.
• Mom is a bit fragile, but nowhere near as batshit as before.

What doesn't kill you probably makes you hurt a lot.