Bottled Snakes?

So we smartasses know we're being tracked by our cell phones. Some of us don't care. Some of us are positively incensed, bordering on explosion. We turn off Location functions and the GPS, but we know we can still be located by cell tower triangulation.

We also know that apps use ad networks, potentially both spying on your location, and whatever other info they care to gather.

Well, guess what.... there's a new way to track us suckers. It takes 2,000 lines of code, inserted into an app that can go tens or hundreds of thousands of lines.  What can we do? Absolutely nothing at the moment. Well, that's not strictly accurate: you can turn off the phone. There are hardware and software features than can be implemented, but that depends on the phone manufacturer and Google (for android) or Apple (for iOS). Considering that manufacturers don't seem to bother pushing out security updates, I doubt we're going to see privacy upgrades.  Having said that, I'm not sure if we're going to see this code in apps, as there's detective work to be done to find where the phone thinks you are. This doesn't mean the operating system won't have it in the future.

When I said the only thing you can do is turn off the phone, I wasn't completely accurate. You can also firewall the phone and decide specifically where the app can go to, but that's only for really strict privacy weirdos, with control issues and way too much time on their hands (raising hand, sporting evil grin).

• New Zealand's airport customs folks, while examining packages, came across (non-live) snakes. Because there's always (non-live) snakes being sent all over the world.  Two of the little beauties were positioned on a base, 'standing up.' The other two were in jars. Because when we don't send taxidermied snakes, we send them in jars.

Knowledge Transfer

I believe in sharing knowledge, both at work and at home. Knowledge is power. 

Let's say you're going to England and want to sound like a native. Well, the first thing you have to do is learn the accent, which tends to vary from block to block. Then you have to learn the lingo.

Let's start: 

• When you need your car repaired, you take it to the GARRidge.
• If the plane goes down on the way over, the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) will look for DAYbree. This is the kind of word you can be smug in knowing, but will not get a chance to use after the plane touches the ground.

Learning the accent and language are only two thirds of the package. For some reason known only to Julius Caesar (inventor of the dressing), the Brits spell words incorrectly. A lot of words. They watch their favourite television programmes in their vividly coloured pyjamas. In their defence, they pay for a television licence with aluminium foil. They keep their spare tyres in the boot of the car. Instead of a wrench, they use spanners. I have a cocker spanner.

England and the United States: two countries separated by a common language.

• There's another nephew orchestral concert this week. I'm already building myself up for the event. Wife suggested copious amounts of drugs. I may just go with the flesh-colored earplugs.

It's Saliva Time, Kids!

There is a Chinese delicacy called bird's nest, which is made from bird saliva. The Chinese are a very silly people.

Since this lovely dish is a delicacy, we can reasonably expect that Bird Saliva Harvester is an honored position in China. WANTED: Bird Saliva Collector for 1,500 year old Bird's Nest dynasty. All male heirs have killed themselves in advance, rather than take the position. Fair pay and ducks to hang in your window. No forks.

In the name of humanity, who thought up this dish?

After a bit of digging, it is rumored to have originated with a Mr. Too Faht, special cook to the King of China, in or around the year 245BBS (Before Bird Saliva).  The king wanted something new, something special, something so rare and delicious that the kings of other countries would be terribly jealous, when they gathered at their King Retreat, located at the fabled Basketball Stadium of China. Interesting historical note: archaeologists have ancient China mapped out, but have never been able to locate the Basketball Stadium. It is rumored that the reason the Stadium cannot be found is that it was located next to the mythical Chinese Driving School.

Too Faht, the cook, was a fat, lazy man, with the occasional brilliant idea. Unfortunately, the majority of his ideas were total shit. After the King's demand, Too Faht didn't want to bother because he had a planned an entire night of sitting. It was then that he came up with one of his more brilliant ideas. He would suggest something so disgusting, so supremely vile, that the King would lose his appetite and suggest Too Faht take the night off.

So the cook told the King of his latest idea for a delicacy, called bird's nest, made entirely of bird saliva. Too Faht stood there, visions of ChinaLoungers in his head, when the King thought about it and declared, "That must really be something Faht... make me one." And that is how we got Bird's Nest.

How the bird saliva is collected is a closely guarded secret, known only to Bird Saliva Collectors and their mentors, at Chinese Driving School. With that name, no one would think saliva collecting was going on, plus no one would show up at the school anyway.

• There is now a hair shampoo with caffeine in it. This way, at least your hair will be awake in the morning.

Our last installment featured news of more human feet washing ashore in Canada. In true American spirit, Detroit floated to the top, where human organs were found at a wastewater treatment plant. But that wasn't all. This was the second time in two days. Either the mafia is getting lazy or rank amateurs are attempting body disposal again.

• RAF Mildenhall is an American base located in England, where today, a man drove onto the tarmac, stopping just short of a CV-22 Osprey. After a brief firefight, the man was taken into custody. This is, of course, not terrorism. The base spokesperson hasn't see the video and the investigation is in its early stages, but she already knows it's not terrorism. America is lucky to have this kind of psychic talent on its side.
• He drove onto the airfield of an American base and parked near a plane. How in the Sam Hill (where did that come from?) did the man get near the military base? You have to have all your papers in order, including your birth certificate and whether or not you were breastfed to get onto a military base (don't ask how I know). If you attempt to breach the gate, you will quickly gather more holes than Swiss cheese. Maybe the airfield is accessible via a route other than the front gate, but that doesn't sound so tactically smart.
• Our friends at the TSA are worrisome enough, but now this?
• I remember when the Ospreys first came out. They had so many problems with it that the saying was "Boeing killed more of our people than the enemy." You'd think the guy would get out of the car and an engine would fall on his head or something.
• at least it's not terrorism.

How's Marshall?

Glad you asked. The previous chemotherapy stopped early because he's doing so well. He will likely go on oral chemo. The oncologist wants to do another operation, most likely due to the new kitchen she's planning. After all, we just finished paying off her Mercedes.

Meanwhile, Marshall is in great shape, physically and attitude-wise. He's running around like a puppy (at 13). He still whines a lot when he wants something. When we've had enough, we tell him. Then he goes to take a nap in the bed. He's an enigma, wrapped in fur.

In the Ridiculous Coincidence department, we were overjoyed that the oppressive vet bills have ceased. Maybe the Flying Spaghetti Monster would visit for FSMas after all! But it was not to be... somehow the city heard that there might be some discretionary income and sent a huge bill for funds not taken out of my check by my awesomely alert employer.

Certain schools of thought state that we live many lives, each time to learn a lesson.  If this were true, this time around, I'm learning to value what I have, as something always manages to suck up every dollar I make. I'd let you know what I find out, but there seems to be inexplicable difficulties involved in communicating post-mortem.

• it's another one of those weird weeks. For the second week in a row, it wasn't raining when I took the trash out (at gunpoint). Something's up.
• Speaking of weird trash, I've got something wrong with me. At this point you're saying "and it took you this long to notice?" I am utterly incapable of putting things in bags. Sure, I can grab some fries and put them in a plastic bag, but if I have to put something in an open trash bag, I will wind up wearing it or cleaning it up off the floor. My wife wonders why I won't go near her if she's holding a bag open, asking me to dump something inside it.
• It doesn't matter if she's holding the bag open with a three foot radius - whatever I try to put in it will wind up everywhere but IN it.
• I have yet to ask the doctors what happens in childhood that would cause this, because I have much more pressing issues to discuss with them.
• Someone suggested it might be related to my lack of basketball skills, but I pointed out that I'm equally horrible at all sports.
• I can put things into other things.... in fact, it's my favorite hobby. No one ends up wearing it*, nor does it wind up on the floor.  *unless specifically requested
• Sometimes I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. It's because I just had a horrible nightmare about trying to put one small bag into a larger bag. Eager to help, my wife bought earplugs.

France just halted an auction of a manuscript by the Marquis de Sade, referring to it as a national treasure. Eh - national treasure... instruction manual... whichever.

• President Trump, and his cadre of Very Smart IT People, have officially blamed Wannacry on North Korea. North Korea's response, from King Kong very Ill, was, "Nyah nyah, you can't catch me, imperialist pig, with your hair even sillier than mine!"

I'm thinking of getting politically involved...

My Eyebrows Hurt

Mrs lefty hands me a paper from the state. There's some sort of Tax Amnesty thing happening and perhaps, since this is the last day, I should call.

Why?

Because the paper says I own lots of hundreds of dollars for something and if I pay now, I'll get a discount. Mrs lefty says we should make payment arrangements. Mr lefty says we should have a look at this.

The paper, which looks legitimate, says we own money for Voluntary Fair Use Tax.  Well, taking the obvious road; if it's voluntary, we don't have to pay it. This is apparently not a useful answer and the state has no sense of humor.

So I call the state to try and figure out what all of this is. Being the state, I get a recording, reminding me how important my call is to them. It's so important, the recording reminds me at one minute intervals. During the hold, I get four calls from Mrs lefty about Very Important Stuff, plus a few texts from friends and family, and a whole lot of email.

I also get to look up Fair Use Tax. This is such an obscure item, it barely appears in search engines. A few pages later I have a grasp on this tax. It's very clever: this is a tax-grab. The state, upset that one can purchase things out of state and avoid sales tax, has rectified the problem by enacting a Voluntary Fair Use Tax. Any time legislation or tax has a positive name, you had better watch out. The trick here is that they have decided that the tax-free purchase has to hit state transportation, thus you owe tax. Even if you think of buying something from a different state, you owe the tax. To make matters more amusing, the tax is even higher in two cities.

Forty five minutes later, I reach a very cheerful state worker, who proceeds to explain to me that I owe hundreds of dollars and can get amnesty if I pay now. Like most reasonable humans, I ask what the tax is for, or on. Like most state workers, she has absolutely no idea. Her best suggestion was to dig up our tax return from 2000. Ummm.... no. Even if I could unearth the return, there would be no item that required hundreds of dollars of tax, or I would have paid it. Statie then says she's not a tax professional. So I ask again, can she tell me where it's from. She tries to sell me on paying today but still cannot tell me why I own the tax or even what the tax is.

Let me lay this out for you... we receive a tax document that says we owe hundreds of dollars for something that happened seventeen years ago. We can get a discount if we pay today, but no one can tell us why we allegedly owe the money.  I have a feeling I'll have to dispute this. I hope it doesn't involve a phone call.

• There is snoring coming from the bathroom. I'm torn between curiosity, inertia, and the realization that it's not going to be the weirdest thing to happen today.

Honda (yes, that Honda) was forced to shut down a manufacturing plant on Tokyo after the WannaCry virus made a return. Are these the people you trust with making you car 'connected' in the computer age? This is a preview of what's to come, this time, in your car.

• In reference to the Department of Defense Inspector General's report on the NSA, well, the NSA doesn't come off so well. After Snowden, there were steps recommended, which were performed in a rather half-assed way. Rest assured, your data is not collected in a half-assed way.

What's faster to transfer a terabyte of data from San Francisco to London: a 100mbps internet connection or a British Airways 747? This is an interesting explanation of how data moves across the net (and on a plane). The best line from the article is "If airlines experienced aircraft loss at the rate the Internet sees packet loss there'd be 28 crashes per day in the US alone."

• A police officer at the airport in Flint, Michigan, was stabbed and is in critical condition. The airport was closed down and the perp is in custody. The talking head news person said there was no apparent cause for the stabbing. I beg to differ - the apparent cause was the guy with the knife. I should probably avoid getting into tv news.
• On the other hand, imagine how interesting tv news would get if I were on it.
• On the third hand, my career would last just under a week, with Las Vegas giving me very poor odds.
• On any remaining hands, the Canadian-born knife-wielder shouted "Allahu Akbar" before stabbing the policeman. Who could have seen that coming?

The mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, wants to offer amnesty for the illegal aliens who lived in the Grenfell Tower, the building that just experienced a tragic fire. This is his priority.

• Followup: Evergreen State College, coming off a protest around a day without white people, has had so much of this going on that they have been forced to hold graduation off-campus. Because nothing is being done to correct the matter. The professor who disagreed with day without white people was forced to teach off-campus for his own safety. He and his family have been forced to move. Anyone who disagrees with antifa is branded a fascist and is a target for violence. A Daily Caller author has suggested antifa be considered a terrorist group. Nothing is being done.

I don't claim to understand and am not sure I want to, but an Instagram model was killed the other day by an exploding whipped cream dispenser. It's hardcore when one dies for one's ice cream (if that's what was involved). Your can of whipped cream is still safe - this is a high-end, CO2 injected, high-performance cream whipping machine. The local news brough in an expert who said the blunt force looked like when hockey players take a puck to the chest. This household will stick with a can of non-leathal Redi-Whip.

• Two twenty-something British men were arrested for planning to hack into Microsoft and steal user data. After further examination and testing, the case was dropped because they were just trying to use Windows 10 and the behavior was normal.

Today is National Take Your Dog to Work Day. What could possibly go wrong? All of my coworkers were astounded to see someone attractive walking anywhere near me. Then it was time for Trashcan Inspection, followed by Desk Inspection, followed by Search for Snacks and Maybe Attention. It's a full day's work for Marshall. If I can keep him from defecating on the boss' desk, I will consider it a complete success.

• In what could be the only good news ever produced by a computer virus, traffic cameras in Australia were hit with the WannaCry ransomware.

Today's best psychology journal title: Vegan Sexuality: Challenging Heteronormative Masculinity through Meat-free Sex. You can't make this shit up.

There might be a name for this and if there isn't, we need one.

I just offered Marshall a bacon-like treat. He groggily looked up at me, sniffed the morsel, and put his head back down. I threw the thing on the ground, he sniffed it, then ate it. Does it taste better from the carpet than my hand?

You Picked a Bad Morning to Run Windows

If you haven't patched every version of Windows you use DO IT NOW, per earlier blog post, lest you lose all your files to ransomware. BACK UP YOUR FILES OFFLINE.

In case you're curious, everybody's best friend, the NSA, hoards vulnerabilities as weapons, not reporting them to (in this case) Microsoft. Unfortunately, these vulnerabilities got leaked and the Bad People are now using them. The letter agencies are completely out of control.

A very side effect of this is that medical equipment is getting infected. Do you want those machines that go PING next to your hospital bed to be infected? Why does this happen?  Since many medical devices run on Windows and they are connected to the local network, they can easily get infected with WannaCry."

Odds are my readers are not employed as security professionals. That said, reading the above sentence, what would you recommend? Yes, this is your future... your fridge will eventually hold your food hostage.

• United Airlines has taught themselves (hopefully) and us important lessons. One of their attendants leaked the cockpit door combination online. The lessons are to not drag people off planes when there's video and no matter how secure you are from the outside, there's always idiots on the inside who will screw things up. We have seen the enemy and it is us.

In the latest installment of Hackers Have Your Movie, Disney's new Pirates of the Caribbean is being held hostage and Disney isn't paying up. CEO Bob Iger has the Feds involved, but I wonder how long it will take until Bob's private files, featuring the donkeys, become public... or the Mouse House comes down on the private parts of the hackers.

In other, deeply personal hacking news, Brooks Brothers has been hacked; the hackers made off with payment card details.  When I think of all the money I paid for a closet full of high quality suits, I realize I can't even tell you where a Brooks Brothers store is. They want you to know they're right on top of the matter, though, as it has only been going on for about a year.

• I bought a laptop stand. It's pretty much a tray table but looked like it would do the job. I enjoy the thing, but not near as much as Marshall, who has taken to camping out underneath it, like an awning, or right next to it, so I can't get around him. It's almost like he's part cat. Currently he's in doggie dreamland, farting up a storm and choking off my oxygen. If anybody strikes a match, the whole place is going up.

CBS has been slammed for new fall shows, all starring men. 

Whine whine... 

Let's get together and collaborate on some possible starring replacements for men:

• talking breasts
• fish
• dust from vertical blinds
• carburetors
• elephants

please chime in.

• James Patrick Page, guitar player of some note, in a band called Led something or other, is dating a 26 year old woman. Fame and talent hath its privileges, as she's one-third his age. Are you getting the idea about why I want to be a Big Rock Star<tm>?

A woman stabs her boyfriend. This is generally acknowledged as a Pretty Bad Thing. Well, she may be getting off because it will hurt her career prospects. Is this what they refer to as Male Privilege? 

• Cardiff, Wales, home of the fictional Torchwood, is gearing up for its Naked Bike Ride protest.  It is not immediately apparent whether the protest is against naked bike riding or something else, but I dare not click the link, as it goes to Faceyspaces.  This event could go spectacularly wrong, so I advise caution if there's a live feed.
• As if anyone could get enough of Wales, people are OUTRAGED at the ASDA retail chain is selling a jumper that says "Boys will be boys." The lead malcontent claims this maintains damaging stereotypes. Not mentioned was the other boys jumper that says "I have a penis," which also maintains the damaging stereotype that boys have penises (and can't identify as girls, presumably).

RIP Chris Cornell, former frontman for Soundgarden. He died suddenly and unexpectedly (of suicide). Another of rock's great lead voices gone. He was an original.

Please talk to someone. Seek help. Tell a friend. There is assistance. You don't have to feel this way. And there will be a lot of people left in your wake after you go. Condolences to Chris' wife and two children.

Lastly, this means people will pay more attention to Eddie Vedder. Nothing good can come from this.

• Qualcomm has a patent on for internet-connected shoes. What could possibly go wrong?

Twitter has updated its privacy policy. Remembering that everything is opposite from the way it sounds, this means that Twitter has updated the way it ruins your privacy. The results are fairly astounding. Check it out.

• Tired of the ridiculousness coming out of the college professors, a Portland State University professor and mathematician collaborated to write a hoax paper called "The Conceptual Penis as a Social Construct." Reviewers loved it, even though the authors tried to make is as incoherent as possible.  Nice to see a little humor in the process.