Turkey Sandwiches, Turkey Soup, Turkey Ice Cream

Your love is like  chlorine gas

So we're all over T-day.

We stuffed, we slept.

My t-day was weird.

(say it isn't so, lefty)

We haven't celebrated at my house since that unfortunate incident with PETA and SWAT, so we are fortunate to get invited elsewhere. The way we were raised has us politely accept or decline only, rather than saying, "Great - this is what I'll need you to make for me," or "Are you f-ing kidding me? LAMB for Thanksgiving?"

As luck would have it, the lamb option came up.

Although I will defend your right to have anything you want at your T-day dinner to my last breath, LAMB? There are only 4 people on the planet who would eat lamb on T-day and the 2 of them that live together invited us. Of course we (or at least 1 of us) politely accepted, while the other one said, "LAMB? WTF is wrong with these people? LAMB." At this point you know that there was not just lamb, but 2 different kinds of lamb (the kind I didn't like and the other kind I didn't like).

The only possible action, assuming you politely accepted, is to bring turkey. And if you are allowed to bring turkey, you can sneak the rest of the dinner in. Yes, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, acceptable veggies, unacceptable veggies (Brussels sprouts- I like them - wanna fight?), and pineapple stuffing.  WAIT a minute... pineapple stuffing? For those of you playing along at home, we now have to sneak regular stuffing on top of the entire turkey meal we're sneaking in, because someone likes pineapple stuffing. This has all the complexity of negotiating world peace, plus dealing with relatives. When we get there, eyes will roll and people will get lemon face once they see Brussels sprouts. So someone will have to sneak in some green beans or something, assuming they are not part of the LAMB express. As roughly 3/4 of those present are preparing to gleefully ignore the LAMB, we discover the turkey BREAST we cooked doesn't have dark meat, so Uncle Harvey may be stuck with LAMB after all. Or, if Harvey drinks a lot, we can tell him the LAMB is dark turkey meat. 

Some of the guests come from a foreign country, which is so poor....

HOW POOR IS IT?

It's so poor, they can't afford to import Brussels sprouts.

So they got their first, and last, taste of Brussels sprouts.

They also brought some dishes from their country, with names even they can't pronounce, and this is before the drinking.

Someone noticed, with horror, the mashed potatoes had skin in them.

Well of course they do - all sane people make them that way. Garlic too.

"OH GAWD - Aunt Bertha is allergic to garlic - I'll call 911."

Everybody can agree that the highlight of the dinner is dessert. The hosts did well, with a pizza-sized chocolate chip cookie. The entire family, and some other families we don't know, are insane for Mom's chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream icing. The foreign folks would fly in just for it. Unfortunately, Mom's mind is not well. Last year that meant way less cake and way more icing. This was not a problem for me or most others. Whenever Mom makes the icing, she makes a small tub of it just for me, so I can launch a spoon at it. Remember: cake is merely a vehicle to carry the icing. We were all curious about what she'd come up with, if she didn't make cake. She did not let anybody down; the broccoli was very easy to pull off the cake. She puts a hint of coffee into the chocolate buttercream icing that could distinguish it from 100 other cakes. I would eat it if she somehow managed to fashion the icing into a cake shape (this is very difficult - believe me, I tried). 

After dinner, it looks a lot like it looked before dinner, except for the hazy eyes. The little kids are playing with the aunts and uncles who are most like them. The teen kids are in another room, texting each other, and the adults are wherever they land, talking about the Olde Days<tm>.

Last year, as I was sitting around the table, talking about the Olde Days<tm>, I had a flashback. No, it was not LSD-induced, it was just your good old American flashback. I was a kid, it was Thanksgiving, and I was sitting at the table with the adults. Then it hit me.. I was now the (apparent) adult at the table. I can't decide which I liked better.

Remember: Thanksgiving doesn't exist outside of the US. The other countries just squint at us strangely. This is a lot better than they way they look at us normally.

What have we learned here?

Lessons way too complex for a blog.

Also that one should always bring a Substitute Dinner.

And plenty of Brussels sprouts, so you know you'll have plenty to take home for the week.

Today I identify as  an orphan power supply that might be from an old laptop you no longer have.

Dear lefty  

• What are you supposed to do the day after Turkey Day?
• Take off work. Sleep late. Pay attention to the dog. Masturbate furiously.
• What are you doing?
• Getting up early, working, not buying anything for Black Friday, hopefully holding off til after work for masturbating furiously

Flying AIDS News  

AstraZeneca's vaccine tested at 90% effective last Monday.

Apparently, later in the week, it was closer to 62%.

They're working on how this happened.

In the meantime, they suggest you get the vaccine on a Monday, when the figures are much better than later in the week.

Whilst plumbing around for the snafu, it might all come down to Bob, as it usually does. Bob emailed, saying that the 90% vaccine was then 10% ineffective. This got into the system and now it turns out the vaccine is only 10% effective, especially later in the week. It's completely ineffective on weekends, but if you can find someone to vaccinate you on a weekend, I'll eat Sophia Vergara.

AstraZeneca stated that 90% and 62% were just 'numbers and stuff,' statistical variances, caused by mixing in age groups less likely to catch the Flying AIDS, dispensing half dosages, firing anyone who knows anything about statistics, and gathering numbers closer to the weekend. Some Random Employee explained that 'the statistics gathered closer to the weekend were even worse than the ones gathered right after lunch.'

When the highly effective vaccine appears, the states will decide who gets them. As a patriotic and gentlemanly citizen, I will step forward and volunteer my dose to anyone who wants it. In fact, I will voluntarily move to the back of the line. Wait - not just the back of the line, I will hide somewhere so I don't even appear at the back of the line. Such is my patriotism and concern for my fellow citizens. 

According to some stats I've seen, I'm going to need a large building in which to hide. Many Americans do not trust a vaccine and will not get it. Interesting, no? Perhaps they're all waiting and watching, doing their due diligence. Maybe they want to wait a month, or a few years, to see how safe it is, how effective it is, and what the side effects are. Maybe they just don't trust anything anymore. Do what you feel is right.

Mind you, people are already concerned if the vaccine is vegan.

Vegans are a fun group. Eat or don't eat whatever you want, but if you can provide entertainment to the masses, even better.

Duckduckgo, the search engine that doesn't track you, has a weekly newsletter of privacy tips. They're all in plain english.  Subscribe.  Stop using Google. You can set Duck as your default search engine in all browsers.

• We're hearing a nonstop barrage of horrible Flying AIDS news: the hospitals are beyond capacity. I smell Shenanigans. Ask your friends who work at the hospitals. Let's find out for ourselves (locally). 

If you're a Comcast customer, prepare to bend over (further). Almost everything is going up. Comcast is a distant favorite to own the universe, after Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk die. At least I'll avoid the sports upcharge, cuz I'm the AntiSports.

• As of 2021, the Austrian village of Fucking will be known as Fugging.
• In southeast Pennsylvania, Beaver College renamed itself Arcadia, for some strange reason, years back. 

Microsoft has done its part to enable corporate spying with the Microsoft 365 tools. 

reports also let managers drill down into data on individual employees, to find those who participate less in group chat conversations, send fewer emails, or fail to collaborate in shared documents.

It is spying, clearly.

Naturally, Microsoft denies this completely

“We are committed to privacy as a fundamental element of productivity score,” wrote Jared Spataro, the corporate vice-president for Microsoft 365, in online documentation. “Let me be clear: productivity score is not a work monitoring tool. Productivity score is about discovering new ways of working, providing your people with great collaboration and technology experiences … For example, to help maintain privacy and trust, the user data provided in productivity score is aggregated over a 28-day period.”

In short, Microsoft has put out an egregiously invasive monitoring tool that's committed to privacy, but aggregates user data and is opt-in, even though the default is ON. Your administrator could switch this on by default and you'll not be able to switch it off.

Some of you might not understand my hatred of Microsoft. With years and years of Windows crashing experience and all news similar to the above, what reason is there to like them? I will not even tolerate them, and you should show your love accordingly.

• There are no peanut butter cracker packages in the house. That aside, the dog has one, and has been carrying it around for a week, like a treasured stuffed animal. She's not eating it.

Happys 

The Jimi Hendrix

Tina Turner

Quality of new houses went up 75%

Captivity - Day 33 It's raining ferrets

Like the damn thing up top says, we're into day 33 of captivity.
It's not at all punchy or violent. No weapons were pulled from the safe. No safe was there to pull the weapons from. It was a test, officer. I swear.

I suspect the wife and dog are against me. I hear them up all night, plotting and planting. What use is planting for me?
Must watch carefully...


I was going to start exercising, but when the Weather Guy said there may be snow toward the end of the year, I had to call it off. No use getting my chops together, only to find it's snowing.


It's a nice-looking morning, especially discovering that the medicine you got to calm down the side-effects of the other medicines, requires another med to stop its own side effects. This is the Shakespeare of Pill Pushing. Hopefully this will stop the body from randomly throwing itself at the ground.  *Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground and missing."  - Douglas Adams


Let's try to make something positive of this.
ummmm..... I didn't have to mow yesterday?


I just got a stack of birthday cards. It was really nice.
I feel bad, so I won't tell them they're off by a few weeks.

The doctor told me to exercise.
He wouldn't take NO for an answer.
He didn't even believe that exercise causes cancer.
It took me hours to put together the scholarly research project, all for nought.



You've probably never seen anything like it, but I successfully flipped a pizza in the air, then it landed on the oven. I wasn't trying. You know if I tried, it would have cut itself into slices, got out some paper plates, and served itself to the ThermionicEmissions staff. It was kinda fascinating to look at Naked Pizza. Take everything off and you're left with crust tinted red.
To make things more interesting, the dishes staged a revolt. As I washed, things started to leap into the sink; either suicidal, or just to piss me off. Or both. Everybody headed for the Safe Room, but I explained what happened and they went to the Safe Room instead. 3 minutes later, the dried dishes joined forces with the dirty dishes, and it was ON. The off the rails moment was when a huge baking sheet flew itself at the ground. Practicing my newfound calm, it only made it to the roof. I gave up doing the dishes at that point,  because I was worried about getting sliced up. It took another 20 minutes for the circus to stop and pack itself up. We have knives so sharp, if you even look at them, they'll cut off body parts. It's like the Amityville Horror, but with a really gorgeous dog.

Hey wait... we could do a reality show live from lefty place, and bring in a different exorcist every week. We could follow them around, asking really stupid questions. We could ask how the SM4 (Stupid Monitor) meter works and how many minutes it took to assemble it. One of the hosts will be an attractive female. At the end of every show, she'll get slimed. For some unknown reason, she never wears a bra...



It takes a lot very little to make me angry, up to and including flamethrowers.
When the ground starts shaking, low pitched growling noises, and many other socially difficult stunts, Mrs lefty grabs the dog and runs for cover. There are only 2 things that really get me going: Calling for support and purchasing something online. Well, let's start by listing commonalities... a phone, a computer, English as a second language and me.  My browsers are so locked down that even I can't use them. It can take 8 browsers and 2 operating systems to make it through the transaction, plus a lot of screaming (but I am never rude to the person on the other end of the phone). I made a reasonable suggestion never to use a Social Security number for identification. She kept repeating that it was necessary for identification. Lovely script, no?


RING RING...
blah blah blah para primo pressy numero 13.
silence
Would you like to open your card?
If I didn't, why would I be calling you?
I need your SS#
No you don't. How come the Magic Phone Lady wants the last 4 and you want the whole thing?
It is for identification.
We shouldn't be using SS# for ID
We are just trying to identify you.
You mean all the info I gave you, including size of my ahem..., wasn't enough? No, you may NOT take a measurement for me.

It got downright hysterical when I called Comcast. Their server had an aneurysm when I asked it to do something. Then I got to play 14 rounds of CAPTCHA fun. How many buses can you spot in these blurry boxes? None - the boxes are too blurry. I have to give them credit: I got it all done on their page. Now they can fire customer service people. And you can't do anything because Comcast owns everything Disney doesn't.




Sad news this morning: work lost one to the Flying AIDS. He had gloves, mask and other protective gear.  We salute him and hope for the best for those left behind.

first tube on the Moon

Of Course I've Taken My Meds, Mr Dragon

There's a special place in hell reserved for people who Reply All.


Practical advice: your laptop or pc needs to breathe, like those people you keep in the basement. Over time, dust (and body parts) pile up in computers because they have fans. Fans suck. Sometimes the people in the basement do also. They tend to get all icky and can clog up, making it difficult to cool your computer. If you can't cool your computer, it will get hot. No, really. When it gets to a certain temperature, it will (hopefully) shut down. Even if it does, this is not a good thing.

Buy some canned air. Spray it on the intake side of the fan (there might be a filter). You can do this both running and off. You'll see dust (and hopefully nothing else) come out. I recommend against snorting it, but I can't tell you what to do, especially in the privacy of your own home. If things still get hot, download a manual for the pc/laptop or check YouTube, and learn how to turn a few screws to open it. While you're disassembling, put the screws in a pill bottle or convenient container. Spray again. Get the whole computer.

And please remember to feed the people in the basement. It's inconvenient to dispose of the remains. Or so I hear.

• Great news, Comcast users: Your favorite cableco is selling your viewing habits to advertising biz Comscore   Evil to their core.

TikTok 'tried to filter out videos from ugly, poor or disabled users'

also abnormal body shape, chubby, obese or too thin, ugly facial looks or facial deformities.  How many categories do you fit in?   I suspect the Inclusive Patrol will be all over this, even though the story will be forgotten by noon.

Experts Say the Internet Will Mostly Stay Online During Coronavirus Pandemic

Donate your excess bandwidth to www.bobsadultvids.com before something bad happens!


Surge in home working highlights Microsoft licensing issue: if you are not on subscription, working remotely is a premium feature

Hmmmm.... I wonder if there's an operating system that isn't licensed.... hmmm..

Dear lefty

• What should I avoid during this virus?
• Breathing

As everyone knows, I don't like much of anything.
However, I found this online radio station - BellyUp4Blues - this is one serious ass-kickin' station. It plays blues and blues-rock. You can listen at the website, through different services (Shoutcast, TuneIn, etc), or direct to your player. You'll hear some great blues and serious guitar. Stop by and give it a listen. If you like what you hear, it's listener-supported, so please make a contribution (I am). This is my go-to online station.

• American hero Buzz Aldrin turned 90 this year.
• don't tell anybody, but he's an alien.

An interview with a YouTuber whose entire channel is videos of him opening  doors (334).I'm going to change the name of this blog to "We're a World of Morons"
Who among us will be the next Internet Sensation? How about 500 videos of you pulling a lamp cord? Or your zipper? Unlocking a car door? Cleaning belly button lint? Pushing a vacuum from east coast to west coast (for charity, of course). Pulling boogies out of your nose?  It's so difficult to keep ahead of people.

• Before this next item, I want you to sit down... this is a big one.
• Microsoft has done well. (are you ok?) MS Teams has held up very well under incredible load.

Back to normal, a leaked document has the government preparing for an 18 month pandemic.



What did we learn today?

Astronauts ordered to shelter in-place in the Space Station over fears of COVID-19. NASA concerned that all earthlings breathing will send COVID into space, infecting the astronauts. The astronauts have to shelter -in-place while practicing social distancing. A rocket has been sent to the Space Station, loaded entirely with antibacterial soap.

For some reason I can't figure out, people have been asking me what I think about the virus (the Flying AIDS). I think the response is way overblown. WAY overblown. We don't need curfews and shelter in place and VA virus stations. This is a test of some kind. PA is days from a lockdown.

Target stores are reserving the first hour (Wednesdays?) for older folks and people with disabilities. Advice to Target: stock up on canes.
The airline industry wants, and will get, a bailout.
Trump wants to give everyone $1,000 shortly, then again (next month?)
I wouldn't be me if I didn't grouse about where this is coming from. $850 billion.
MEXICO is giving the US $250 billion for the emergency. I am seriously impressed. Imagine having to ask the drug gangs for that kind of cash...

I haven't heard any democratic response to the stimulus package, but let's take a guess:

• it wasn't big enough
• IMPEACH! AGAIN!
• His wife is ugly. Mrs Obama was a trendsetter and so beautiful
• The whole financial giveaway was Obama's idea.
• Trump set the virus loose, so he could come in and rescue everyone
• Pelosi is $25k beyond on her plastic surgery bill so we wrote it into the law
• Bernie said socialism works.
• Biden said "Look - I'm James Bond!"

Hold on, kids... information coming in.... several senators face calls to resign over insider trading. They found out about the virus and sold stock before bothering to tell their constituents. The article mentions two republican senators. Further information says more, including Nancy Pelosi. There's one rule for us and another rule for them. IMPEACH!

I have to admit I was wrong about something (don't tell my wife). When Trump was elected, I said the busiest people in DC would be the Secret Service. In fact, the busiest people in DC are Biden's handlers.

Half of the republicans are against the stimulus unless it goes well. at which point they'll take credit for it and stand proudly behind Trump. The other half are registering democrat. And the only guy who makes any sense is the guy with the boot on his head (Vermin Supreme).

Many fees and government restrictions are being lifted.

We're getting more libertarian by the day!

Amazon is doing so well, it's hiring 100,000 warehouse employees in the US. As if it isn't already happening, Bezos is wiping his butt with $10,000 bills. He used to used two, but his wife got half in the divorce.

Uber is shutting down its Uber pool, where Uber users ride-share.
The company is doing its best to "flatten the curve" of the virus.
Instead, you can ride with a patient on the way to the hospital.

We are going to find out about all sorts of technology in the weeks to come.
For instance, a Texas company has a remote camera that senses a high temperature in people walking by. I wonder if they're going to alert SWAT. This would be a bad thing, especially if you're walking your dog. SWAT and the police kill more dogs than COVID kills people.

The US government and tech industry are discussing ways to use smartphone location data (from Faceyspaces, Google, and others) to 'combat' coronavirus. NO. Ok? NO. It's bad enough there is any location data. This serves no purpose and won't go away after coronavirus does.

Bernie said he is going to re-evaluate his campaign. So he's out, leaving Biden.
Biden said he'll have a female vice-president. I suggest Nancy Pelosi - they can run on the Senility ticket. But seriously folks... this is the best they could come up with? Do you seriously want this man as president? Online wags suggest Biden just gave the presidency to Trump.


Today I identify as   toilet paper - I want to feel loved just once.



Dear lefty

• What are you listening to these days?
• The good news: listening to my neighbors have sex
• The bad news: they're in their 90s.

I am torn.
We are advised to stay in, but Guitar Center sent me a 20% off coupon. I'll brave the virus. Ladies - would you do this for 20% off shoes? We know the answer - you would risk the Black Plague for a shoe sale.



SJW STILL!

Coronavirus declared transphobic as surgeries delayed. Life saving surgeries.
It's great to see one organization blazing on with its mission in spite of health considerations.

You've Got Your Pandemic on my Rhinocerous

Catholic priests are so upset about COVID-19....

HOW UPSET ARE THEY?

They're so upset, they're demanding clean COVID-19 tests from little boys before molesting them.

[you know you'll be telling that one at work tomorrow]



Cell Phone Stupidity

Verizon is offering a phone plan that contains a Yahoo Mail account.
Next they will offer a plan that includes an AOL account and a bag phone.

Comcast mistakenly published names, phone numbers, and addresses of nearly 200,000 customers who paid monthly fees to make their numbers unlisted.
Customers paid $3.50 to $5.50 monthly for this service. Comcast will not be satisfied until they have sucked every cent possible out of you. Then they'll find a way to get more.  This is a perfect example of a duopoly: Philly allowed only 2 cable companies to operate: Verizon and Comcast. More competition would drive prices to more reasonable levels.

• Are female urinals the answer to queues at the loos?
• What a tremendous idea... women's bladders are smaller than men's, so the lines are always longer.
• FEMALE URINALS? WTF?

Alex Jones ordered to stop selling fake coronavirus cures, by New York attorney general. Apparently generating coronavirus PANIC is ok, though. New York desperately wants to be the new California, and is working very diligently toward it. Like him or not, leave Alex alone. It truly is the responsibility of the buyer, not government. The AG referred to Jones' 'latest mistruths'.  I wonder if it's ok to sue an Attorney General for this. It's defamation, but apparently there are no statutes against that.  If nothing else, Alex is quite (inadvertently) funny. No one else would bullhorn the Bilderberg meetings.


Data of millions of eBay and Amazon shoppers exposed

To their credit, eBay and Amazon are not involved; instead it was a third party. So you're still exposed. What can you do?

• The White House told federal health agency to classify coronavirus deliberations
• Just cut it the f- out. There's always need for secrecy, but we're beyond out of hand now. We pay YOU, yet you decide what we can and can't see? Government for and by the people, not leading the country, doing what you feel like.
• If we had a real pandemic, these 'public servants' would classify that too. The people have no 'need to know.'

AT&T CEO pay rose to $32 million in 2019 while he cut 20,000 jobs

To be clear, I have no trouble with corporate salaries. I am not a socialist and don't believe these people are obligated to share their wealth. What bothers me is that he did it on the backs of those 20,000 ex-employees (most likely among other things). This is a personal opinion, and out of step with the libertarian position that it's a private company and can do what it wants. I'm am not a hypocrite: I just hold 2 differing opinions at the same time.  There was also a hedge fund involved here somewhere; it was over who was going to maintain the hedges outside the corporate offices.

• One of the reasons I like Firefox is the addons. My latest is Mouse Gesture Events. You'd be surprised (maybe you wouldn't) what you can do with just a mouse gesture.  Forward, backward, shut current page and go backward, all sorts of stuff. It's in the normal addons spot.
• Another is ColorfulTabs. The default Firefox has tabs that are all the same color. This auto-colors them so the one on top is easy to find. You can also make it use colors you prefer.
• If you're running Firefox under linux and want to use the Backspace key to go back a page, open about:config, search for browser.backspace_action, change the 2 to zero. Done. Test to make sure.

One newspaper asked if the 2020 elections could be postponed because of the virus.  No, the country would never get that lucky.

An article in the Guardian says that the virus is creating hell on OCD patients who are compulsive hand-washers. Part of the treatment is not washing their hands.  Up until recently, those antibacterial dispensers weren't for viruses: they were OCD tests.

• Everyone's favorite dictator and Wild and Crazy Guy, Vladimir Putin, signed a boatload of amendments to the Constitution (not specified whose), allowing him to run for Dictator once more. The amendment after that one had him winning the election.
• Not to be ignored, the Bernie Bros have stated that they'd rather hand Trump the presidency than vote for Biden. When the NY Post published this, they used the word 'exodus.' I thought they meant the socialists were leaving the country. Oh well.....

Everybody's favorite perv uncle, Joe Biden, forgot the year and wandered out of frame during a livestream. This man is presidential material. THIS is the Joe Biden we wanted to see while he was Vice President. It has been speculated that President Obama told the Secret Service to tie Uncle Joe to a chair for 8 years. Unless they find him with a 5 year old in a hotel, where pictures and video are already on the internet, this is the presumptive democratic nominee for president.

• Being stubborn, rigid may lower your risk of Alzheimer's.
• Hello... this is my wild card! Not only won't I get Alzheimer's, neither will my entire family. I have enough stubborn for the East Coast of the US.

EASTER

Happy Easter to those who celebrate (or care).
Although I'm not Catholic, I want you who are to enjoy whatever it is that you do.

In truth, I am part of a large, non-Catholic denomination that celebrates Easter. We are commonly known as the Holy C (candy). The malted balls are a favorite here, as well as the Reese's white chocolate candy.  As with any group, we had to split into 2: the people who dive right in, and the people who wait a day, til the candy goes on sale. Having been both, sometimes on the same day, I belong to the Sale Group. If I find myself at an Easter celebration and there's candy, I will switch over to the Dive Right In group for the day. I know, I know, religious hypocrisy. But let's face it: I'd have to want to leave the house and go to an Easter celebration for that to happen.

Since I'm not Catholic, my view of Easter is largely candy, complicated by reality. It's never fun when reality creeps into the picture. So I'm going to explain Easter to my fellow non-Catholic readers (so you'll only sound like a partial doofus at gatherings).  Warning: if you are an easily-offended Catholic, you want to stop reading right now. Solution: if you are easily-offended, you wouldn't be reading this blog, so....


Easter: Jesus comes out of his cave and looks around. If he goes back in, with a sad look on his face, we get another 6 weeks of gloomy weather (this happens regardless of Jesus where I live). If he goes jogging, it will be a good year for the crops (and thusly, Monsanto).  The final option, Jesus doing miracles, has been hoped for over 2,000 years. He will heal the sick (putting doctors and insurance companies out of work, so their lobbies got this option taken off the sheet). He will cure ailing cars (putting mechanics out of work, so they, too, got this removed from the list). Lastly, he will create peace the world over. This option proved the most difficult. This would force the Military Industrial Complex to starve, ruining entire economies, and giving millions nowhere to fight, causing worldwide starving. Jesus had no way of knowing that Peace = Starvation. Also put out were the politicians, who pretended to care about peace, and the one actually working for it. Lastly, President Trump was all set, in his third term, to create peace in the middle east, so he's Very Mad at Jesus. His only remaining satisfaction is that he's still richer than Jesus. They will go on to be great friends - the best of friends. Can I have a hand for Jesus? Jesus will be white-listed at all the presidents' golf clubs, resorts, and hotels (although I'd stay away from New York for a few years).

Stations of the Cross: this is where you guess how many gas stations will be open on Easter Sunday. This is a very complex religious game, because many stations have not set their hours yet. Exceptions: any gas station that produces its own food, like Fried Quickie Chicken. Any station run by a Sikh, and anything with an expiration date. The stations are north, south, east, and Bob.

Palm Sunday: This is where the devoted, the semi-devoted, and the people who are dragged into it by relatives, for some reason, beat each other about the head and shoulders with palms. At this point, they realized that this palm thing isn't all that bad, right?  This is also the time when the non-Catholics start to pay attention and think maybe these Catholics have a point. However, they want to modify Palm Sunday so the celebration is done at individual homes, sometimes with only 2 people, sometimes with up to 25.  Sssshhhhhhh  - the safe word is BUNNIES.

Ash Wednesday: People go to church, whereupon a person in a very silly white getup puts ashes on their forehead. The first time I saw this, I was aghast... how could people walk around with dirty foreheads for an entire day? My friends, bless them, took me aside and explained it to me. Then I became privately aghast. I have it on good authority that children sometimes celebrated this holiday in their own individual tradition: they smoked a cigarette, while writing their excuse notes for school, and put the ashes on their foreheads. This only worked once, because Catholic mothers know the difference between cigarette ashes and Proper ashes. Even modern science can't tell the difference, but MOM can. They just never asked her. Oddly enough, Jewish mothers can also tell, but nobody asked them either. The Jews think Jesus was ahead of his time: he worked at the first ever Car Wash. This gave him a lot of spare time to do miracles and stuff.

Jesus: I was really far out of the loop on Jesus, so it took quite a while to figure out this whole Father, Son, and Holy Ghost thing. You can't be 3 people.... unless.... Jesus with the first with multiple personalities! Just wait til the church starts fighting with psychology! The church will say there's no such thing as multiple personalities. Psychology will say there's no such thing as Jesus. It will be funny to watch for the first few hundred years; after that, it will get tedious.


Good Friday: The Catholics, overnight, in a quiet raid, borrowed a worldwide tradition. After an entire week of working, we celebrate by getting drunk, having sloppy sex, hugging telephone poles, eating things that don't go well with alcohol, and drinking alcohol that doesn't go well with other alcohol. Everybody looks forward to Friday. When the Catholics 'appropriated' it, they gave official standing to Friday Activities. The only thing they changed was during sloppy sex, you cannot use a condom, and you have to have sloppy sex strictly for having a baby.  Good Friday happens 52 times a year, but officially it only happens once. If you forget and use a condom in your drunken state, you must enter the Holy Closet and whip out a few bills for the poor and the PAL (Priests Alcohol Locker).  You are forgiven, and free to go out and do it again next Friday.


Super Saturday: This is a brand new (under 1,547 years) tradition that means nothing. Saturday just felt lonely, between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, thus was given its own holiday. We all have the person in the family who thinks he deserves his own holiday.... no one invites him to family parties, yet he shows up anyway.


Easter Sunday: on this day, most of the stores are closed. This is the way you can tell Catholics are serious about this holiday. Skipping ahead a few months, this is why the Jews eat Chinese food on their holidays. The Catholics have no choice but to eat at delicatessens, where they think corned beef is some dark shade of red, not brown, as Jesus decreed.


Easter Monday: when the candy sales start. Also typically when employers give their employees the day off, in celebration of Jesus the candy sales.

• According to a Vatican exorcist, one exorcism he presided over had the person levitate and stay on the ceiling for 6 hours.
• YOU - You get down off the ceiling and get exorcised, you demon from hell. This is precisely what my mother used to say to me.

Today I identify as   a missing COVID-19 test kit, going for $1950 on Ebay


Heroes of the Stupid

Utah may make it illegal for cops to masturbate in their cars.
Is there a need for this law? what about at home?



SJW Saltiness


Bulletin: It's racist to shut down travel from places that are heavily diseased.
It's racist to identify where the disease came from.


Furry hate is always just a cover for queerphobia
not when the #1 show in the nation features furries...


Tammy Bruce: Dem erasure of Tulsi Gabbard is the ultimate misogyny
Damn - I thought having a penis was the ultimate misogyny

Some Things Suck More Than Other Things

Former President Barack Obama has reportedly asked Jay-Z to encourage other hip hop artists not to meet with Donald Trump following the firestorm of publicity over Kanye West. I cannot verify this, but it's a good one.

If I were Obama, I'd call and ask Jay-Z to encourage other hip hop artists to attempt real music, if at all possible.

• A South Carolina NAACP leader accused the police of racial profiling when they pulled him over. He told his passengers not to move because the officer looked like he was going to shoot them. He claimed that the police accused him of having drugs in the car and what was he doing in that neighborhood.  
• Bodycam footage shows the officer not shooting anybody, not accusing him of having drugs in the car, and not asking what he was doing in that neighborhood.
• The man was not racially profiled - he failed to use his turn signal.
• Uh-oh, NAACP. The Race Card<tm> seems to have failed you.

Arizona is planning for INCOMING in case California has an earthquake.

Plans include portable Starbucks, smog trucked in from Los Angeles plastic surgeons to do emergent nose and breast jobs, individual tent mansions, indoor parking for Mercedes and up, and a stage for Berkeley to protest anything and everything, 24 hours a day. And no paper bags - only plastic.

Arizona is counting its blessings, already having way more than their share of illegal aliens, but hasn't yet figured out what to do to make the Californians comfortable around guns, which everybody owns. Because of their inflexibility on this issue, California has passed a resolution condemning Arizona's effort to help them and stating that they will boycott the state, preferring to take their personal environmentally green aircraft to a more friendly, socially conscious state, like... well.... they'll get back to us on this.

• Starbucks has ordered all locations to allow anyone to sit or use the rest room, regardless of whether or not they're customers.  Starbucks' regulars are worried about the place looking like a homeless camp. The only people pleased by this are the people who don't go to Starbucks. They're laughing so hard they see spots.

In a welcomed event for all airlines, today's headlines involve a passenger. Sort of.  Some old guy verbally and physically assaulted two women and touched one sleeping female passenger and later asked another woman about her sexual and marital life. Ok, here's the part where the airline could have done a bit better: they moved his seat, whereupon he urinated on the seat in front of him. He was arrested upon landing, then offered a movie deal by Adam Sandler.

• Speaking of Adam Sandler, a bunch of masked students recently ran into a school with water guns and firecrackers. I love me some black humor but there are some things even I won't do. High School Me is laughing and applauding.

In yet another giant step backwards for England, it is now going to protect its citizens from the 'wild west of the internet' by enacting new laws on social media. Those wacky Brits are heading down a dangerous path at record speeds. No knives over 3", no vegetable peelers or carpet knives, no swearing in public, continued refusal to drive on the correct side of the road, and jail time for insulting people online. What will they protect their citizens from next week? And are the citizens awake enough to notice this, no less do something about it?

• Oh God no - please... I just discovered a show called Paris Hilton - My New BFF. It was the last minute of the show, thankfully, as I was already pulling my hair out and losing the contents of my stomach from the last week. Have we truly reached End Times? Can they possibly come up with anything more inane, self-absorbed, or totally without redeeming content? I'll bet they can.

My hell is your entertainment, hopefully.

Let me start by saying that every f-ing time I try to order something online, I miss shopping in-person. And when I shop in-person, I miss online convenience.

Having said that, Amazon is cancer.

Just for fun, let's add two people who tend to be alpha in certain situations.

Don't use my account - I can't do it now, create your own.

Ok, I created it. It will only give me 2 day delivery if I do a trial of Amazon Prime.

Ok, do it.

No, we already have Prime. It's attached to your account.

Ok, fine, I'll do it on my phone. Write down what you want.

Write down? With a PEN? I can't do that. You don't want to see that.

[2 minutes later]

Is this what you wanted?

No.

I don't see it then.

So I create my own account and am ready to hit GO, when I realize they're going to charge me TAX. Originally tax was only charged if the seller was in the same state. I am not aware of an Amazon here, so I'm thinking the thieving bastards in the State capitol legislated their hands into our pockets. Again. To make matters more interesting, the shipping is taxed too.

Perhaps it would be helpful if Amazon used a little-known retail trick called Model Number. Sssshhhhhhh - it's a secret.  Think about this... we have two different computers with two similar searches and two different results. In fact, the item I'm looking to spend money on can not be brought up on her search at all, in any way.

We're doing our best, but the Strangle Urge is surfacing in both of us. Since Amazon is not physically present, it gets directed at each other [marriage counselors take note].

There are reviews, you know.

These headphones are almost the quality of my $300 Bose headphones.

These headphones suck.

These headphones are too tight.

Ignore the other reviews, the headphones are plenty large.

People tell me I sound like I was in a fishbowl.

The sound is crystal clear over the phone.

and these are the products with near 5 star ratings.

Finally I gave up and had her order something that looked similar with similar features. Both of us are alive and relatively unscathed. The dog is hiding upstairs, terrified of his parents. The police just left, but it's taking the SWAT team a while to get out of their vests and pack up the Armored Personnel Carrier the army gave them.

• It's been the saddest time in my car's life. Actually our life. Ever since the CD changer broke, we've had nothing but broadcast radio to listen to. Have you experienced the horror?  So I have to procure a new one.
• I know everybody has new stereos, with all sorts of whiz-bang features, but this is all new to me. I really like the Bluetooth compatibility. This will allow people in the back seat to play music, even if somebody in the front seat is already playing music.  It's a veritable bonanza of fun. Some units come with a remote control. WTF do you need a remote control for?  Again, the back seat people are laughing hysterically, playing with the controls. And they get all this fun at no cost to themselves!  If only they could Bluetooth the car for unplanned acceleration, help with the turn signals, and rolling up the window when the policeman is talking to the driver.
• I distinctly remember replacing the stereos in my very old cars. In fact, I wake up crying, screaming, and cursing precisely at 4am, so I will never forget. In fact, crying, screaming, and cursing is precisely what was required to get the box into the dash. Crutchfield makes it look so easy, with the adapters and recommendations and wire harnesses and B&D gear. It's their job to make it look easy, because they're total bastards and just like to make people suffer. At no extra charge.
• It's not that I'm old, but I don't trust any stereo that doesn't have knobs on both sides of the display.

Ever wonder what information Apple has on you?

Most of it is metadata, such as your IP and the IP you're going to, but not the content. You might want to have a look (I would, if I used any of their products). As harmless as this might look, any information can be combined with certain other information or details to come up with information you don't want anyone to have.

• So, just because the most hated entities in every category, cable providers, haven't been in the news in the past three days or so, Comcast has what's technically referred to as a Biggie. Your account and password has been exposed to the known universe. 
• Once again, a business entity has blamed 'a bug' for what is just Stupid Lack of Security and Human Error.
• Armed with an address and account number, anyone could get your login and password. Isn't that spiffy? The answer will come to you in plain text, as opposed to encrypted.
• Comcast removed the 'bug' and spoke thusly:

• "There's nothing more important than our customers' security," said a Comcast spokesperson. "Within hours of learning of this issue, we shut it down. We are conducting a thorough investigation and will take all necessary steps to ensure that this doesn't happen again."
• Translated: "There's nothing more important than not getting caught," said a Comcast spokesperson. "Within hours of learning of this issue, we shut it down. We are conducting a thorough investigation and will take all necessary steps to ensure that we won't get caught again." 

Speaking of cars, BMW has made security its top priority after learning that many cars can be accessed with a few dollars of parts. Let's face it - nobody wants anybody to steal or mess with their car.  BMW is terrified of the possibility that a hacker will re-enable the long dormant turn signals.

• a New York high school will use CCTV and facial recognition to enforce discipline. This is the beginning of the slide. "It's for the children" was the cry for anything against the Fourth Amendment after 9-11. Now it's school shooters and discipline. The system will watch everything and identify the student 'after their picture is uploaded to the system'. Big Brother is now in school. Then of course it will be the little children, because we have to 'keep them safe'.

MIXED BLESSINGS

The ACLU sent a letter to Amazon, demanding they not provide their AI facial recognition system, Rekognition, to the government.  I like this.

The system can track people in crowds and identify them. You know governments everywhere will want it.   I don't like this.

The ACLU's letter includes: 

"...the company’s product is primed for abuse in the hands of governments, poses a grave threat to communities already unjustly targeted in the current political climate, and undermines public trust in Amazon"  We do not like the president and he spies on people.

"Particularly in the current political climate, we need to stop supercharged surveillance before it is used to track protesters, target immigrants, and spy on entire neighborhoods. We’re blowing the whistle before it’s too late.”  We really do not like the president, it has serious 4th Amendment concerns, and we really like illegal aliens."

“We already know that facial recognition algorithms discriminate against Black faces, and are being used to violate the human rights of immigrants,”  Racism! We like to think illegal aliens have rights as non-citizens of this country. We have completely lost our focus as a group.

• Securus, the previously mentioned company that gives law enforcement your phone tracking information, got hacked. 2,800 logins and passwords were stolen. The irony is thick.

NOT THE ONION
Our good friends over at Faceyspaces (UK, US, Canada) are asking you to send them your intimate photos to stop revenge porn.

No, really.

"..photos will only be seen by "a very small group of about five specially trained reviewers"

Sure they will. Because everybody respects privacy, especially at Faceyspaces. Just send us your naked pictures and we promise not to look at them.

we shall never see another and we are the worse for it

Harvey Irma Jose

Feeling under the weather, I decided rest was indicated. Anyone with all but the most acute powers of observation will not be able to tell the difference between Rest Mode and Non-Rest Mode. My neighbor felt sorry for me and decided to begin a large, noisy, external home improvement project. The banging was quite accomplished, but the loud machinery really drove the point home. Somehow they even managed to produce a loud noise that sounded like they were hammering chains into my walls, for what seemed like weeks, but in reality was just every hour I was awake.

Next day was much better. They waited til I was awake to start (7am). At certain points I felt my house literally shake, as if they were performing surgery on my house instead of next door. One day I'm likely to look out the window and find out what they're doing.  I have cataloged many separate and delightful noises emanating from this project: the Mowing Noise, the Pick on Concrete Noise, the Sledge into Bricks Noise, the Entire House Shaking Noise, and the Repeated BOOM Noise, which only surfaced when I used the phone.

Just for fun, there's a lot of noise coming from the other next door.  Both of my neighbors are elderly: the one who Marshall trained to feed him treats, and the one Satan crosses the street to avoid.

• Once again, a hurricane brought out the best and worst of humanity. Irma hit Florida with a vengeance and long before it hit, the volunteers were out, manning the help lines and trying to get help from more volunteers in the field.
• While the flood of volunteers manned the lines, an army of trolls did their best to interrupt communications. I have never heard anything like this before- with every request for help was one of these young miscreants, yelling obscenities and racist comments. This was completely unlike Hurricane Harvey communications. Maybe the Troll Alarm was sounded, and all the poisonous examples of subhumanity left their caves.
• All through the communications, there were less toxic examples of humanity, who wanted information on the weather, gas, and store openings in their personal neighborhood. These people were genetically incapable of using a search engine to check the information for themselves.
• Comcast and another local provider opened up their wifi hotspots and brought in mobile hot spots, allowing everyone unlimited access.
• People were posing as the electric company and robbing houses.
• While the storm was in its early stages, the looting started. One must note the can-do American spirit of the looters, who got out there, without consideration for life and limb, in the wind and rain, to steal things from other people. To feed their hungry families by stealing sneakers. To protect large screen tv's by taking them home.

Wife comes down the steps, says, "You're going to think I'm crazy" and disappears into the bathroom.  Ok, I'll play...

• Billions of Bluetooth-enabled devices are vulnerable to attacks across all operating systems. Google and Microsoft have released patches. I got a linux patch already. iOS before 10 is affected. Samsung smart watches, Smart TVs, and refrigerators also... This is Serious Stuff<tm>, people. Best practice is to keep Bluetooth turned off except when you must have it. Antivirus systems are unlikely to catch it. The beauty of this is that it shows us how unprotected we are and how manufacturers are unprepared to patch all their devices. The only positive here is that Bluetooth has a limited range, so it's more difficult to exploit.  Bother your vendors for a patch now.

Over in Afghanistan, three people died as a result of a suicide bomb blast in a cricket stadium. I told you sports are dangerous.

• The entitled are out again, this time demanding statues of people they don't like be taken down. And localities are acquiescing.
• My Demands:
• Being left-handed, I demand all statues of right-handed people be taken down. And that we get proper desk chairs in schools.
• I am also entitled to have statues taken down because I never got a statue taken down and others have.
• I want the Rocky Statue taken down because it's stupid and it's Philly's idea of culture.

Whither Kaprinsky: Kaspersky Antivirus (Kaprinsky or Kasper Sky, according to the Great Minds at my former employer) is up against the wall these days. The government has been ordered to replace it within ninety days because of alleged connections between Kaspersky and the FSB (formerly KGB). While no definitive connection has been established, the fear is that the FSB can request/compel them to provide data on systems 'protected' by it. Kaspersky has been given the opportunity to address the issues.

My natural inclination is to hold the phone until a connection is proven, but in the interests of safety, maybe this is a wise decision. Antivirus has privileged access to your files and operating system, so it would be a good way to obtain (or leave) data or programs. On the other hand, hackers are no doubt already in government (and other) systems. Having worked with quite a number of antivirii on a corporate level, I can safely say the all suck, in terms of deployment and operation. Best Buy will not be carrying it either.

• The new iDevice includes facial recognition, although I'm told it didn't work during the Big Announcement. While The Authorities may have trouble guessing your PIN, holding the phone up to your face is certainly convenient. Rest assured the law will be convoluted to make this work. It requires eyes to be open, so it will be more difficult to use on a dead body (make with that what you will). There is also a panic disable, which requires pressing a switch five times, that will disallow facial recognition unlock. There are other legal complexities around being compelled to give your fingerprint but not your PIN.
• This latest exercise in Apple Excess can be yours for the low low price of $1,000. Start lining up around the block, drooling, wide-eyed, wallet extended, to get yours now! We used to think $150 sneakers were ridiculously expensive.
• One of the latest flagship android phones is expected to hit $1,000 also, bringing up some questions... What the hell do you get for a grand that you didn't get for half that price (or less) on your current phone? 
• You'll certainly get a better camera, but I have not a qualm about my two year old phone's camera - the pictures are wonderful. One device has two cameras with different focuses.
• A faster processor: this would certainly be an incentive, although mine is pretty snappy.
• Better battery life: I hope. This is a huge one for most of us. Removable is a good feature too, so you can keep one charged as a spare. It's a shame you have to.
• Bigger and/or Prettier screen: some people aren't happy with the size of their screen (or much else)... larger or smaller. New layouts, for people who don't use their own launchers (Nova Launcher recommended-free).
• Facial recognition: if I didn't use eyeball tracking, imagine my thrill with facial recognition. Hint: it's probably in use on your driver's license.
• Sleek new case: please.
• Is it worth that price tag for the Latest and Greatest? I say no. In fact, if you wait a few months, there will be bigger and better, or you can purchase a gently used version at a considerable discount.

The most recent episode of South Park set off Google Home and Alexa devices. Go Matt and Trey!




As usual, I was minding my own business online, when things ground to a total halt. No amount of rebooting and troubleshooting turned up a cause. My cable modem indicated everything was fine. In situations like this, I love nothing more than interacting with Comcast (or most anyone else).

The automated service told me that my issue had nothing to do with any outages and actually sent me to a human, after a commercial for the NFL. Let's forget for a moment that I can't stand sports and concentrate on the obvious importance of an NFL commercial that you cannot bypass, while waiting to repair your internet service. The attempt to reset my modem had failed, then tried again and succeded. This was not particularly effective, as the modem did not indicate it was doing anything other than failing to go online, but they told me to wait ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, with no progress at all, I called again. This time the automated voice told me there was an outage in my area and expected restore time was four hours. So messing around with the modem earlier was a total waste of time.

Do you know the sheer hell visited upon you by being without internet for four hours? I'd rather go to the dentist than be sans internet for four hours. Fortunately my cell phone had lots of data, so I could tether my computer to it. Unfortunately, no matter what I tried, I could not get the computer hooked up to the phone. Connecting with a cable failed miserably, as did every single option I tried inside the phone. There is an actual button for wifi hotspot, that failed immediately, as did everything else.

Ever try using all your apps from a huge display on a cell phone? It worked, but not in a particularly useful way. Good thing I had many other things to do (that had absolutely nothing to do with porn).

Upon calling Comcast again, I was shocked beyond belief to speak to an Indian service representative (no I wasn't), but at least this lady spoke really good English and wasn't reading off a script. After re-rebooting the modem, it clearly showed there was an error. Mrs Service helpfully suggested that someone return the modem to Comcast and get a new one.

Because I'm that kind of guy, I had an upgraded modem, which seemed to surprise my rep, as she kept trying to get me to bring the defective modem back. After a bit of reiterating, I finally got her to accept my solution. I had to give her the new modem's MAC address.

At about this point, I discovered that I had a modem but not a manual, power supply, and whatever else came with the device. Mind you, I had the box it came in. This modem has been sitting around for a few weeks, migrating from this spot to the other, but always together. Not now, of course. Stuff just happens in my house. This was followed immediately by screaming. Unfortunately, screaming had to be modified, as I was doing it right into the phone.

One thing I note as I get older is that I cannot read small print. I used to be able to read things written on a grain of rice. Now I need Serious Magnification to read six point type. It's even more difficult after 12am, with very little light in the house.

Having solved the MAC issue, the rep told me to plug the device in, then started asking me questions about my router. Lady, if I had router issues, that would be my problem, not yours. If you get my modem set up and get signal to it, I'll handle any issues post-modem.

Apparently simply hooking a modem up and repeating a MAC address four times is not sufficient to restore internet service. There are things called hooks, put in somewhere to allow the original modem to work, and these need to be removed. Hooks.... somewhere at Comcast, there are a number of fish hanging on a line, each with a hook. They had to remove the fish and the hook so they could hang different kinds of fish, corresponding with my new modem. This is all because the old modem was brown and the new modem white.

Twenty minutes later, the helpful service rep sent what's technically known as The Magic Bullet to my modem, making the lights go all blinky and restoring service. Halleleujah! Only five hours to a solution.

Just Paying Additional Shipping and Handling

Yesterday I hit the Daily Double, when power and cable went out, one after the other. Today only the cable went out. But I am not worrying, as Comcast has their Best People on it.

Let this serve as inspiration to you, that if cable internet/tv is important to you, you have some sort of Uninterruptible Power Supply (UPS), aka Battery Backup. They are available in many ratings and packages. Some newer Comcast and FIOS installations have a battery backup for their service.Plug in all your devices you want to continue working in event of power outage: cable modem, router, wireless, laptops, chargers, etc. These will protect you in the event of power outage, but not cable outage.

• When asked, "Won't the laws of mathematics trump the laws of Australia?", the prime minister replied, "The laws of mathematics are very commendable, but the only law that applies in Australia is the law of Australia." Next up: Australia enacts law against gravity.

Jet, the online retailer bought by Walmart last year, has struck a deal with smart access provider Latch in an effort to make deliveries easier for its customers in urban areas. What this means is that deliveries can make it past the main joint door and tenants can allow the delivery in from their cell phones. Oh yeah, access will also be granted to all of Jet's business partners will automatically get access. What could possibly go wrong?

• It's World Emoji Day. Emergency Rooms across the world are on alert for people slitting their wrists and taking huge amounts of any kind of pills they have around the house. This blog is and will always remain, 100% Emoji-Free.
• Bulletin: cancer cured.

The people whose information got stolen from Ashley Madison, the cheaters' website, are eligible for up to $3,500, via a $11.2 million settlement. Not that readers of ThermionicEmissions would need this information...

• Finally, a Mac item I can get behind. Unfortunately you cannot make use of it without iTunes and the iPencil.

The FBI has warned parents that Internet of Things toys could present a safety and privacy risk.  You're kidding. No, really - the FBI wasted no time in jumping on this matter to keep you safe. After all - it's for the children! 

Seriously.. a federal agency, so far beyond things that they are just getting around to issuing an alert on IoT-connected toys. How long have I been warning you about this? When it implodes, which it will, it will give me no pleasure to say "I told you so."  Ok, maybe a little.

• Apparently the Hollywood Bowl gave up wood from its seats. Fender is making guitars out of the wood at $12,000 each. That's a little steep for most of us, and of questionable value (and tone) for those who can afford one. Perhaps they need a clever ad campaign:
• Monty Python may have blown their nose at it
• the wood was very wet when the Beatles played
• Hendrix burned an entire row ($20k extra for the burnt wood model)
• Jim Morrison had sex in the first row (with himself), right before the police showed up
• I'm a natural ad man, aren't I?

The secret to self-driving cars is to drive them yourself.

• Does Steve Harvey shout out the wrong name in bed?

I really like tying my wife up. Sometimes we have sex.

• Toasters are a cruel joke, played upon us by the Bread Lobby. I put my bread in, like any normal person, and set it to medium. When it's done, it becomes apparent that the toaster and I are not in agreement about what constitutes medium. I think medium is defined as starting to turn brown. Toaster thinks medium is kinda warm. But only on odd-numbered days. Regardless, I get frustrated and put the semi-toast back in. At this point, no matter how I set it, the toast is coming out black - there's simply no way to avoid this. I've tried old toasters, new toasters, and toaster ovens, all with the same results. So if I'm still in a Toast Mood, I have start over again, with new bread, enriching the Bread Industry.

As It Turns Out, Babies Don't Bounce

Today's winning headline:

Thousands March Through Snow Protesting Global Warming.


Not even a close second:

Woman Pregnant With Quadruplets at 65!
Part of me is about to be ill. The other part of me hopes I'm still going strong at 65.

I can tell there are no credible threats to the president. I know this because the Secret Service had to scramble to catch a 4-year-old who snuck under the White House fence. I've met Secret Service people... apparently they're hiring different Secret Service people these days.

MUSIC(?) NEWS

Tahiti has succeded in setting the record for largest ukelele ensemble. There is good news and good news: not only have they set the record, we didn't have to listen to it.  In almost related news, China will introduce square-dancing rules, following complaints over disorderly "dancing grannies".  Say what you will about China, but they have some good ideas.  In still more news, Indian music lovers can now listen to Eric Claption's Layla in Sanskrit. How many times have you said to yourself, "Self, what I'd really like is to hear Layla in Sanskrit. Or Swahili."

Incredibly fortunate news here: The NSA has decided to kill the phone surveillance program.  In a completely unrelated story, the KKK has decided to kill the hate thing for the Jews and all brown-skinned people.

Today's Second Best Headline:

Glowing Tampons Help Detect Sewage Leaks.  I included the link in case you think I made that up.

You know whenever there's Philadelphia news, it's going to be amusing and this is no exception. Philly's mayor, Michael Nutter, has been dragging his feet on releasing the report on Comcast's customer service. Nutter has been sucking on the Comcast teat for years. As it turns out, customer satisfaction level was the lowest, by as much as 11%, of other Comcast franchise areas studied over the last six years. Strangely enough, Comcast's home, Philly, has the highest rates in the chart. As if we needed another reason to hate them. Not that Verizon's much better. This is what happens when the local legislators allow a duopoly on cable service.

In national news, the Defense Department keeps losing sensitive explosives gear, then finding it for sale on Ebay.  And we trust these folks to 'defend' the country? I wouldn't trust them to mow my lawn (and you know how I feel about mowing). Even more frightening is the chemical warfare center, Ft Detrick, keeps 'misplacing' all sorts of viruses. Unfortunately they're not showing up on Ebay.

The Facebook Strikes Again: Your chats may be scanned by a CIA-backed company. Of course it's safe to assume you're being tracked on Faceyspaces anyway...

WHO SAYS STRAIGHTS AND GAYS CAN'T GET ALONG?

TSA screeners in Denver set things up so a gay screener could grope the groins of male travelers he found attractive.  Of course this backfired when they got caught. The TSA writes its own material.

The 'You Could Never Have Seen This Coming' Department

Investors in legal marijuana are Tommy Chong and Snoop Dog. Tommy has his own special blend and Snoop invested in delivery (to the lungs?).