Monday, April 27, 2015

As It Turns Out, Babies Don't Bounce

Today's winning headline:

Thousands March Through Snow Protesting Global Warming.

Not even a close second:

Woman Pregnant With Quadruplets at 65!
Part of me is about to be ill. The other part of me hopes I'm still going strong at 65.

I can tell there are no credible threats to the president. I know this because the Secret Service had to scramble to catch a 4-year-old who snuck under the White House fence. I've met Secret Service people... apparently they're hiring different Secret Service people these days.


Tahiti has succeded in setting the record for largest ukelele ensemble. There is good news and good news: not only have they set the record, we didn't have to listen to it.  In almost related news, China will introduce square-dancing rules, following complaints over disorderly "dancing grannies".  Say what you will about China, but they have some good ideas.  In still more news, Indian music lovers can now listen to Eric Claption's Layla in Sanskrit. How many times have you said to yourself, "Self, what I'd really like is to hear Layla in Sanskrit. Or Swahili."

Incredibly fortunate news here: The NSA has decided to kill the phone surveillance program.  In a completely unrelated story, the KKK has decided to kill the hate thing for the Jews and all brown-skinned people.

Today's Second Best Headline:

Glowing Tampons Help Detect Sewage Leaks.  I included the link in case you think I made that up.

You know whenever there's Philadelphia news, it's going to be amusing and this is no exception. Philly's mayor, Michael Nutter, has been dragging his feet on releasing the report on Comcast's customer service. Nutter has been sucking on the Comcast teat for years. As it turns out, customer satisfaction level was the lowest, by as much as 11%, of other Comcast franchise areas studied over the last six years. Strangely enough, Comcast's home, Philly, has the highest rates in the chart. As if we needed another reason to hate them. Not that Verizon's much better. This is what happens when the local legislators allow a duopoly on cable service.

In national news, the Defense Department keeps losing sensitive explosives gear, then finding it for sale on Ebay.  And we trust these folks to 'defend' the country? I wouldn't trust them to mow my lawn (and you know how I feel about mowing). Even more frightening is the chemical warfare center, Ft Detrick, keeps 'misplacing' all sorts of viruses. Unfortunately they're not showing up on Ebay.

The Facebook Strikes Again: Your chats may be scanned by a CIA-backed company. Of course it's safe to assume you're being tracked on Faceyspaces anyway...


TSA screeners in Denver set things up so a gay screener could grope the groins of male travelers he found attractive.  Of course this backfired when they got caught. The TSA writes its own material.

The 'You Could Never Have Seen This Coming' Department

Investors in legal marijuana are Tommy Chong and Snoop Dog. Tommy has his own special blend and Snoop invested in delivery (to the lungs?).

No comments:

Post a Comment