Your love is like showering with your clothes on
Well, isn't that nice. Something happened and Google ate all the content for this episode of ThermionicEmissions. I had no idea I had to save everything personally, in addition to Google auto-saving it. The ENTIRE entry. I can't even remember what's there, so I can't recreate it. POOF - it's gone. Thanks, Google.
NASA's UFO study started the other day.
NASA is an organization responsible for tons and tons of hardware sent into space, as well as lives on the Space Station. Do you mean to tell me they have no idea what's flying around up there? Thus far, their job seems to be finding prosaic explanations for anything odd-looking in space. Now they're studying it. Congress is also studying it. We can't wait to see their conclusions.
NASA has known something since at least the Apollo Moon missions, when the astronauts told them there were 'things' down there as well as shadowing them. We're being bamboozled. Again.
Don't forget the well-known Air Force studies Project Sign, Project Grudge, and Project Blue Book, most of which were set up from the beginning to debunk UFOs. These studies ran from the late 1940s to 1969. The good cases were excluded from the study. So UFO studies are nothing new.
9-11 gave us Security Theater. NASA gives us UFO Theater.
President Biden just got Booster #27 and reminds everyone to get theirs. This one week after the president declared the pandemic over.
Loath as I am to say anything bad (STOP LAUGHING), I'll point out the positive: Big Pharma made tons on it. The only issue they faced was making sure their accounting systems could handle the additional zeros.
Speaking of guitars, I'm noticing an alarming trend in online sales: calling guitars I grew up with 'vintage.' This is incorrect and downright creepy. Then I discovered music I grew up with on the classic rock station. There is only one possible conclusion: the world is out of sync with me. I suggest the world get its sync together to stop making me feel so....
Someone from out of state informed me that the Phillies were going to the playoffs.
"Yay," he said, dejectedly. Now the city is going to have to grease the light poles, which the fans will climb anyway. Sales of yahoo flags will go through the roof and start appearing on cars. Philly will have to import beer to avoid a catastrophic shortage. The trucks will be under armored guard. People will have a new greeting: "YEAH, FSCKING PHILS, man!" You will be expected to use it any time you talk to someone, lest you be thought of as being a fan of whatever other team is playing. If so, that's a beatin'. Parking will become quadruple, up from the normal triple-parking, especially on residential streets.
Polio, as found in the New York city sewage system, will become a Philly issue, as fans piss all over everything between the game and subway, or homes. The homes around the stadiums will be empty for this reason, with all the owners flying to a tropical destination where it's not gloomy 6 days per week and the grass doesn't smell like urine. Whose brilliant idea was it to buy a house next to a stadium anyway? You say people used to not pee on your property? How nice for you. Since the Philly police are busy not dealing with other crimes, you're on your own. Have your ridiculously invasive Ring doorbells take video of the people peeing and put them up on YouTube. I can't decide if this would be embarrassing or encouraging for the urinators. Look - I'm YouTube famous! HEY - my dick is bigger than that!
After this is all done, the Phillies' management will take a page from the NFL and jack the prices through the roof. We already have the highest priced drinks in the NFL. Next is parking and ticket prices. The price will be determined by taking the fan's yearly salary and doubling it. You will no longer have to bring a Flying AIDS certificate to games - now it's a tax return. Parking will be a bargain (if you live in New York City) and only require the deposit of a child or two. This will solve a fan dilemma of what to do with your child who doesn't like sports, or takes ballet lessons. It will become a very expensive babysitting service. If anybody gets caught selling unofficial merchandise, the government will have a strike force raid the place and seize all their merchandise, just like the NFL does. Baseball is long overdue for its own monopoly and the effort will start in Philly. Nah, I'm kidding - the prices of everything will rise and that's it. A badly-mixed imitation Coke will cost $15. Phillies Water, in a bottle with the Phillies logo, will be $75 ($25 for non-playoff games). World famous Philly soft pretzels will be $7.27, exact change required, mustard extra. In addition to the entrance fee, there will be an exit fee, a bathroom fee, a standing up and stretching fee, and a spilling beer on some innocent schlub fee. Philly had the first stadium with a court inside it for a reason. The court gave up prosecution for parking offenses, as the entire city is a parking offence.
This is just Day One.
With Love -
-the AntiSports
I knew it was going to happen, but I did it anyway. Readers know that I have some control over the weather. So I put my office fan away. This guarantees warm weather for at least a few days. Thus far I haven't been able to do anything about the gloom and rain, but later today I'm going to try... "Gee, I sure wish it would be gray and rain for the next week." I will report back on the results.
As part of a centuries-old tradition, King Charles started his day with the sound of bagpipes at his home. Nobody really knows why. One suggestion is that it keeps kings from being in office too long. Either they go crazy from the bagpipes or their neighbors hang him. Who says I can't do British humor?
Great - another alleged asshole. Although I'd kinda like Sarah Chalke to sexually assault me. Perhaps with her mammalian protuberances.
I insist we remain neutral in Russia's aggression upon Ukraine. However, Russia sent a missile into space to destroy one of their old satellites to prove they could. It caused so much debris that the Space Shuttle has had to move around it yet again. This might be a bomb-able offense. Nah, don't hurt any innocent citizens - surgically strike Putin. He is fond of poisoning; why not poison him? This is yet another reason why I'm not president.
Are you feeling pretty ok today? Let me fix that: An Indonesian woman's body was found intact inside a python. The 16' (27 grams Canadian) snake was dispatched and the body was found. Apparently after a certain size, rats aren't worth the calories for snakes.
People like to sound intelligent by saying they think outside of the box. I frequently get told to think inside the box. The problem here is that we never got the box. It was supposed to be delivered by USPS and you know what happens when USPS is involved.... their latest cost-saving idea is to officially not deliver 33% of the packages. This will be a change in name only, giving official acknowledgement to their unofficial policy of not delivering (at least) a third of their packages.
Darrell Brooks, the Waukesha Wonder, was found guilty on all 76 counts. The jury deliberated for 2:47 hours, which is 2:46 longer than thought. Brooks was dejected. One wonders if he thought representing himself was going to bring about not guilty verdicts. The scheduling of the penalty phase is coming up. With the number of people speaking about the impact, this phase is expected to last until 2025. The parade will go on this year, but no one wants to drive. Batons will have rearview mirrors, as will tubas. The Dancing Grannies will be accompanied by the Wisconsin National Guard. Picking up the rear will be OJ Simpson, looking for the people who murdered his ex-wife and her boyfriend. In his closing, Brooks blamed God. As far as I know, He wasn't driving.
I always want to know why. Why did that kid shoot up a school? Why did this guy mow people down at a parade? We (relatively) sane people need answers because we can't imagine doing something like this. Some of us can't imagine getting caught doing something like this.
Friday is usually a slower day at work. It gives us time to catch up from the week.
Until....
ring ring----
They towed the car
ARE YOU OK?
It wasn't an accident - it had something to do with paperwork.
Oh.
They had PLATE READERS.
Fscking Security State.
Tell me about it.
Philly has over 50% uninsured drivers, but you're the criminal.
I'll get a ride.
------------------------------
30 minutes later
%&#*%) I can't get an Uber, under, cab, or much else.
That's odd. I'll rent a car.
------------------------------
30 minutes later
I got a car, but they're not picking me up for a few hours.
Dammit. Guess I'll wait. The convenience store told me to go away or they'll call the police for loitering.
Oh, the humanity.
-------------------------------
2 hours later
I called Renterprise to ask if we were still on.
Absolutely!
Uh, ok, my only question is why weren't you here half an hour ago to pick me up?
OH, we were supposed to pick you up? I don't have that on the sheet. (yes you do, we discussed it earlier). We'll be right there.
To be fair, they got me in and out in short order. So short I almost missed the financial bit: they take the entire fee out of my account, plus an amount not to exceed, but be double the fee amount, for a security deposit. It is supposed to be refunded. I'm sure it will (after much bitching and candle-lighting and dead chickens).
Renterprise feels like a huge used car lot, with only 2 cars for rent (or sale). You feel like you have to take a shower after you talk to them.
I'm zooming down the highway, full of adrenaline, to rescue my bride. Her ass has been on cold concrete for 4 hours. She can barely move. At least she got food from the convenience store before they told her to GTFO.
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30 minutes later
Ok, I'm Down South. Do I get off the same exit as we use for Cindy's apartment?
Apartment or house?
Apartment. The one we always use.
You will see a Springfield exit. Go to the next Springfield exit.
Of course there are 2 Springfield exits. The road planning committee ate the brown acid.
Get off the 2nd Springfield exit and make a left.
You mean like we always do?
Yes.
Like I said in the first place?
Huh?
Who's on First?
Huh?
And where do I find you?
There's a convenience store across from a gas station.
So the convenience store will be on my right?
No, it will be on your left.
Then the gas station will be on my right?
Yes. No.
Take your time - the questions get harder.
---------------------------------
30 minutes later (when rescuing a spouse, time moves in 30 minute increments)
ring ring... I am at Cindy's road and haven't seen a convenience store or gas station yet.
You went too far.
How could I go too far if I haven't seen the store yet?
Did I say you have to go left? I meant right.
Oh. Left, right, no matter. They're only directions.
Make the right and I'm a few blocks up.
I can do that.
ring ring I'm at a convenience store but you aren't.
Is there a gas station across the street?
No.
Then I'm not there. Keep going.
ring ring I'm at another convenience store and I've gone more than a few blocks.
You've gone TOO FAR.
You've had me on both sides of the highway and I can't find you.
Wait... the map says you're 1.5 miles away. Or 12 miles.
Is it having trouble making up its mind?
OH. I'm not where I thought I am.
Will I have to drive up and down a different street for a few miles?
OK, you just need to turn on Main Street and I'll be there.
Where is Main Street?
I AM GOING TO KILL THIS PHONE. YOU FIND IT. The battery is going into the red. BYE.
Oh.
I find myself in a McDonald's parking lot. This hasn't happened to me in 20 years (McDonald's, not a parking lot).
The first thing I notice is while talking to her, my phone told me I can't access data while I'm on the phone. Gee, I could access it 3 weeks ago. Now is not the time to call Purrrizon and share my most intimate feelings with them about this.
The second thing is a creeping terror at being asked to locate something. I have a wife for locating things. One with a non locked down phone. My phone is locked down tighter than the nuke codes. It's locked down so tight, it can't even tell where it is, no less Google. Google can't tell it's a phone. The location is turned off and welded in place. Plus I can't find my way... out of a parking lot.
So I'm sitting in the rental, screaming, cursing, launching the phone, screaming because I can't find the inside lights, trying to remember the name of that divorce lawyer, and screaming. The people outside the car gave me a 9.7 overall and a 5 for style. I thought the 5 was unfair - I never got that high before. I have no style. Or life.
30 minutes later
I found it! The directions are pretty simple. I just take the 3rd Springfield exit.
Them was some happy, cold, sore-assed folks that got into the car.
So all I need to do is pay the Police fine, Police Pizza Fund fine, Plate Reader Purchase fine, County Accent Correction fine, and the Give Us Money fine and we'll be... fine. The stack of tickets is higher than the car (ours or the rental) and the total fine makes the mortgage company jealous.
UPDATE
A local tag place straightened out every facet of our paperwork issues, reasonably and immediately.
As a libertarian, I don't want to live in a world where the state can TAKE your car. I hope I'm smart enough not to argue this point with them.
