Nasal Imperatives

A phone manufacturer named Nothing has ported Apple IMs to android.

Why, you ask?

Nobody knows, but it was shut down in 24 hours (ok, it was a security issue).

Let's be serious - who wants those stupid bleeps and bloops and ridiculous visuals? Android users are still pissed we have to put up with iDevice 'liked that message' notices. Guess what... I don't care if you liked my text or not. I do not derive my ability to get through another day because you liked my post. Or 12 friends liked it. I'd never do that. Except on my blog.

One of those endless Black Friday promos touted mouse pads.

Mouse pads?

Did Consumer Reports buy a bunch of them and test them? What was the testing criteria? Shape? Smoothness? Reaction from people you steered by them? Funky colors? Use as a tissue?

We've gone nuts.

• Some picky Australian mosquitoes may target frog nostrils for blood
• and here we thought they were merely a delicacy..

Deep space astronauts may be prone to erectile dysfunction, study finds

Well, there goes all the ThermionicEmissions reader astronaut job applications 

Study: The serotine bat uses its super-large penis as an arm when mating

So?  Don't we all? Drives the female bats crazy!  

 I got nothing for Thanksgiving. That's ok, I did want anything.

I also got nothing on Cyber Monday. What a stupid concept. Black Friday starts in October, and there are many of them.. they line up, like North Korean government officials, waiting to be shot. Next year, Black Friday will occur in February. Cyber Monday will start on Sundays. Now there's a Giving Tuesday. I like that one - I'm going to give myself a break from all this crap. The xmas trees have been out since July, but didn't fare too well this year due to climate change.

Now that I think about it, I did want something for Thanksgiving: turkey. I don't know what it is but I have trouble getting turkey on Thanksgiving. While some would consider it rude to demand a host serve a certain dish, mine has this fascination for lamb. To the best of my knowledge, the Pilgrims didn't fsck sheep, so I'm going with turkey. Mind you, the dog appreciated the hell out of the lamb, which came home in the appropriately-named doggie bag. Bless them, there was a turkey this year, but we were terrified of what might happen to it - perhaps a turkey stuffed with lamb (or tomatoes), so we had a few large boxes of Stove Top stuffing in the car, just in case. Another guest was from Colombia and brought a traditional dish that involved poorly-cooked yellow rice and stuff. I hear Colombia was pretty mad and sent something else.

When there is no turkey, Mrs. lefty says she'll make a small one at home, then promptly forgets. I decline to remind her because I like my testicles. Mostly, I really want a vat of vanilla buttercream icing, like Mom used to make.

My dish is always dessert. It's usually something chocolate and very heavy to carry (and eat). This year it was a pumpkin pie (with lamb) and a very heavy peanut butter/chocolate pie.

While I got vanilla and chocolate buttercream icing (and a spoon), Mom used to bring the best cake anyone ever had to events. It was a very heavy chocolate cake, with chocolate buttercream icing. Everybody went nuts over it. There was a little coffee in the icing, which only made it better. Mom played a really insidious joke on the family by telling us the cake recipe was on the chocolate tin. No member of the family could make the cake like she did. Mom literally took the recipe to the grave...I have to admit, she got us good.

It's been 3 months since she departed. Her ashes sat next to the table so she got to celebrate with the family. I suggested her ashes could summer at our house next year. 

We all miss her terribly. The grief sneaks out here and there, triggered by a situation or word. Whenever anybody says 'icing,' I'm inconsolable for hours.

Getting Even with Aardvarks

Your love is like  green eggs and ham

• Fired Employees Sue Google for Breaching 'Don't Be Evil' Part of Contract
• Lawyers for Google said the word 'Don't' was stricken from all work contracts
• Google has removed Pirate Bay domains from search results, citing Dutch order
• Do not use Google. Use duckduckgo.com

Today I identify as   a very popular $900 red Christmas tree

• Scientists figured out the chemistry behind marijuana's skunky scent.
• meanwhile, no one has figured out how it works or its long term effects - Go Science!
• Next up: scientists figure out why cocaine is white

My four day weekend went smoothly. Well, smoothly if you count by motion; I barely moved.

I don't move much while asleep, although I'm told I laugh a lot. In fact, I'm much more amusing when asleep. Napping is a large part of my life - I'm good at it and I practice often. Mrs lefty also raises the Nap Flag (it's black so you can't see it in the bedroom). I was rudely awakened from my first nap of the day by a request for assistance: someone had tripped. I got that sorted out and, shaking my head, left the room. Not before almost tripping on the thing Mrs. lefty tripped on. Every day is like the Three Stooges. It's only a matter of time until she asks me to carry a 2x12 and I turn around, hitting her in the head. Last night I fell down the steps, carrying shelves so we won't fall down the steps.

Of all the weird shit the builder did to this house, the absolute weirdest has to be the stairs. Halfway down, they turn at a ninety degree angle. No warning, no lights, no signs. The last washer we got broke trying to get it down the steps. I'm thinking of inviting my neighbor to see the steps....

Pants became a theme, perhaps because of the holiday, but not because I overate, no sir, I don't want you to leave with that impression. I was minding my own business, as I do once or twice a year, when the zipper to the aforementioned pants felt weird upon pulling up, and POOF, the zipper broke. I have never had a zipper break before. I couldn't figure out a way to fix it, as this is beyond rocket science (and napping). So I put on another pair - one with a functioning zipper. I sat in 'my chair' and felt weird. No, that can't possibly be liquid. I checked and I was wrong: it was liquid on my chair, and by extension, on my pants. Before having a Proper Fit, I went back one day, to discovering liquid on the couch. The dog lets us know when it's Liquid Time, and I believe the rest of us have the concept down, so we're stymied. So then it was time for a Proper Fit. I blasted through the bedroom door and turned the lights on, causing the dog to go into barking fits and the wife to go into Asking Fits. MY CHAIR IS WET. THE COUCH WAS WET. Plus I can't sit on the life-sucking couch.

I think this is either the universe fscking with me or it's the universe trying to tell me to just stay in fscking bed. There is no liquid in bed. I hope.

I spent a lot of quality aggravating time with my laptop over the past days. The long and short of it is that it would have worked much better if the manufacturer would have suggested installing their proprietary drivers. This was suggested during a recent conversation with them. They sent a link. It was on a part of the page I've never seen before, under How to Buy a $4,000 laptop, Staff Baseball league, Hawaiian pizza, How to Remove Nose Hair without Infection. It was too obvious for me to find.

The reason I was taking about my laptop is that the keyboard's 'A' key only works if you hit it a certain way. I'm getting close to hitting it with a hammer.  So that's $75 for a new keyboard, and $25 to ship it. I begged them not to ship USPS because I wanted to get it. And get it sometime before Summer. $25 to ship a new keyboard that has to weigh a pound or two. WTF is going on with shipping? Are they experiencing Supply Issues? Are the trucks on strike? Has President Taxit raised Unemployment Compensation or sent out more checks, so all the drivers quit? Are they demanding vibrating seats in the trucks and Comfort Girls in the cab? How come *I* don't get Comfort Girls when I go out somewhere? Hess trucks cost a few dollars to ship. WARNING: this year's Hess truck is an airplane, if you have OCD or that's the kind of thing that bothers you.

Have you ever worked on a laptop? It is not for the short-of-temper, ADHD, far-sighted, impatient, or blind. None of them are alike - I mean no single laptop out of the millions sold over the years is alike. If you're lucky like the Pope, there will be a YouTube video of the teardown. If you're unlucky like me, there will be little arrows on the case, telling you which screws to remove to get the case open. You also might find the process in the manual, which you threw away with the packing, or it came on a CD you couldn't find if you were on fire. Fortunately there's the website, where all the manuals are kept. Under How to Buy a $4,000 laptop, Staff Baseball league, Hawaiian pizza, How to Remove Nose Hair without Infection. After you get the screws out and pry the damn thing apart, there are no little arrows telling you what to do. But you sure do look intelligent, with two halves of s laptop on your 'bench', or dining room table that will not be used for dinner for a solid year, until your wife throws the damn thing out and you get a new one. Or become proficient in abacus. Or send the thing in for service. Or bribe your kids' friend, the odd-looking nerd who gets picked on all his life. Offer him something substantial, ok (guess who that nerd was)? WARNING: You will have screws left over. It's a universal fact.

In the process of cleaning, I watched Mrs. lefty arrange the cereal boxes. It took a while to figure out, but she was arranging them by size. So naturally I moved them around when she left. Every house with an OCD also has an Asshole, and that's me. The joke is probably on me, because it's just more time and effort. But like Christmas, it's worth it.

Guitar Center, like every retail outlet on the planet, had Black Friday, which lasted approximately a month. I didn't really think about it because I opted out of their emails. The first few were innocuous, but then they started arriving daily, accusing me of shopping at Sam Ash, and other local stores. I had to stop it. So naturally, after Black Friday it's Cyber Monday, the most blatant attempt at commercialism since Christmas. I was going to check Guitar Center out because I haven't been there since the Flying AIDS started. But getting up at 3pm and my napping schedule made it impossible. I'll have to wait a week or two, til everything is open til midnite. Or I could go online. This is where all of the sad Barnes&Noble customers have to go, after their stores were shuttered. I guess they got tired of people buying overpriced Starbucks drinks but not their overpriced books. I dunno.

Christmas or sales in general are sad times for the left handed... they advertise a Bob's Midnite Special guitar for 30% off. If you were to ask, they'd tell you it was only for the right handed models. If you want a lefty, it will be 30% extra. It doesn't matter - they don't have it in the store for anyone to try. At times, it's tiring being treated like a leper: you have to pick up a backwards guitar and your arm falls off. To be fair, Guitar Center had 135 guitars on sale. One was left handed. Either we have to acknowledge their effort, or burn the place down - your call.

Four days with the leftys. Do you have this kind of fun?

Good God, my feet are ugly.

• so far, the only Black Friday Month Cyber Monday Week item that generated any interest was a phone holder that clamps onto a surface and you can twist it around.  I'm easy. Very easy.

Cat Tails 

• All cats have ‘an element of psychopathy’, according to new study
• Woman found ‘breastfeeding cat’ onboard flight in front of horrified passengers, cabin crew messages reveal
• No, cat owners are psychopaths. Cats are just assholes. Mine used to jump on the stove, turning the gas on.

President Taxit released many barrels of oil to reign in gas prices.

To do their thing, Canada released half its store of maple syrup.

I did not make this up   

• One third of the workers in Australia's parliament have been sexually harassed, per a report
• Australia's doing some weird stuff lately, but guys - it sounds like there are job opportunities!

Flying AIDS news   

New variant: PANIC!!!

From discovery to global panic in 48 hours: How South African scientists' warnings about soaring cases of Covid super-mutant variant sparked frantic cabinet meeting and worldwide travel ban

Excellent, Smithers

Dr. $400k Fauci says the new super-strain is probably in the US already

uh-oh, we'll need a third vaccine and to wear four masks

U.S. President Biden says not considering new vaccine mandates

watch for mandates

Merck's COVID-19 pill significantly less effective in new analysis

do you mean to tell me a few months' testing doesn't produce accurate results?

US preps vaccine contingencies amid panic over poorly understood omicron

we don't understand it, but we're making up the contingencies now. Don't get mad - it's how we've handled everything so far...

Africa has extremely low COVID-19 death rates despite only 6% of its population being vaccinated,

• Jeffrey Epstein Spent Final Days In Fear of MS-13, Struggling With Constipation
• if  he was tormented by a cellmate, maybe the cellmate saw how he died.... it was apparently not on the toilet....

Nebraska’s attorney general recently identified 57 priests and other Catholic officials responsible for allegedly sexually abusing more than 250 victims

Sue the church. Force it to compensate victims. Prosecute the abusers, from the priests to the pope. It's long past time.

Which reminds me, it's Hanukkah. Or Chanukah. It's also Chanukkkahch. The Jews have a lot of holidays that sound alike. I wanted to explain Hanukkah for my non-Jewish readers (mostly for me). Hanukkah is observed for eight days and nights, strictly for the purpose of pissing off Christians, who think they have the only important holiday in December. Hanukkah commemorates the Jews setting alight the Holy Grail and walking around the desert for 40 years (the more modern Jews walk around the dessert for 40 years). They had a very bad sense of direction. Of course I kid - Hanukkah recognizes the only time in history the Jews were not picked on, for eight days straight. Right after Hanukkah, it was back to making bagels, and the usual, "My god is better than your god" stuff.

At the evening of each day, one candle on the menorah is lit. In ancient times, it was hard to tell the time, so most holidays begin the night before. Not only do the Jews have no sense of direction, they can't tell time. The candle is lit with the traditional Holy Flamethrower, by the head of the house or by any child they can get to stand still long enough.  Each night, another candle is lit. No one has the ability or math to figure out how many candles are lit in total, but rest assured each box of candles is always one short.

1 first night

11 second night

111 third night

1111 fourth night

I'm not typing this all out.

The children spin a dreidel, which is a little wooden spinny thing. After 300 years of persecution, most children have dropped the dreidel and instead play with the holiday edition of Playboy. It is said that Hugh Hefner did more for Judaism than Jesus himself. While the kids spin the dreidel, or play with Playboy, their parents make deep fried food, in tribute to the Christians. They also put mayonnaise on meat, which doesn't happen the other 357 days of the year.

Hanukkah is not a really important holiday, but it's used to get even with the Christians and Christmas. In fact, Hanukkah wasn't even invented until 1999, by Jews trying to sell Kwanzaa trees.

• We all have this coworker, don't we? The guy you ask a question, because he's very knowledgeable. Then the answer comes....
• Dear lefty: someone asked me about this 2 weeks back, on a Thursday, at 5pm. We came up with  a temporary workaround, but I asked for some information, that I haven't received an answer to. So I'm prodding you to prod the Boss, or it ain't gonna work right. And good luck catching the boss' attention. Even Ritalin doesn't help him. Let me know... I have a spreadsheet of every question everybody has asked me since I was hired.

Hey, don't forget, Giving Tuesday follows Cyber Monday. They want you to give to businesses that maybe you didn't give to on Cyber Monday. I didn't look, but I bet there were sales.

I can't wait for the rest of the week. Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, Hyper Sales Wednesday, and my favorite, Naked Thursday. Note: Black Friday starts in October and runs through Christmas.

Then there's Boxing Day. This is not a US thing, but more a Canada thing, where Canadians stop talking about hockey for five minutes and throw boxes at each other. The box has to contain an absolutely stupid gift they received. The winner stays home.

• I did what I was told: I took the chainsaw and the pickup truck out so we could use the dining room table for Thanksgiving. Then a screen door tried to push Mrs. lefty down the stairs.

No Thanks - There's a Nap Out There With My Name on it

Your love is like  a giant oil spill

So I'm sitting here, realizing I need to complete this because I have so many people waiting on it.  SNAP. Ok, I'm back to 'reality.'

Today I identify as  a camp with absolutely no concentration

We've already established that Mrs lefty watches too much tv.

We've looked on in horror as she tuned in Home Shopping Channel and commented on sale items as if she knew them. We've gotten a terrible feeling hearing her refer to jewelry as 'pieces.' We've gotten douche chills when they call her if she hasn't purchased anything in a few days, to make sure she's ok.

The new thing is Supplements. Some dude comes on, selling supplements for this, that, and the other thing. The first one was for hair and nails, and it worked. The next was for a sleep aid, and it helped. This was a major miracle, as Mrs lefty has 'the mother of all sleep disorders.' She cannot sleep when tired, when awake, when tired for hours, when tired for days, when there's a holiday, when she has to get up early, at any point when sleep is important, and generally when it's dark. She has been prescribed enough sleep medicine to take out a battalion of marines, and stays awake. She's a very talented woman.

The latest supplement is to knock down your cholesterol numbers. Now hear this: it's chocolate. No really... you eat your food then eat some chocolate. This is a supplement I can really get behind. In fact, I have been practicing this most of my life. Naturally, Mrs Killjoy comes along and tells me the supplement chocolate has some sort of Plant Stuff in it. And it's dark chocolate. If there are 2 things I don't like, it's dark chocolate and plant stuff. It turns out you can't simply stuff your face with a Milky Way and expect to lower your cholesterol. What kind of world is this when chocolate doesn't cure everything? 

Since dark chocolate is still higher on the list than prescribed medicine, I'm going with it, dark chocolate and plant stuff aside. I'm also working on a circuit to stop all shopping networks from coming in on the tv. And blocking their phone numbers for when they call to check on her.

• The White House remains in disarray, with Biden still refusing to leave.

Dear lefty  

• Will this blog take on a more straight-laced, humanitarian bent for 2021?
• Are you #*$&ing kidding me? You should bottle and sell whatever it is you're sniffing. 

The NFL has asked the president (either one) to declare a national emergency: most of their quarterbacks have the Flying AIDS. They have demanded that the first shipments of The Vaccine<tm> go to NFL quarterbacks. If, for some silly reason, the players cannot be innoculated first, a president declaring a national emergency will allow them to keep collecting billions in insurance money.

According to NFL rules, the other way out is to bring in substitute quarterbacks, either from other teams, or people off the street. They tried to recruit Jessica "WAX MY BALLS" Yaniv, but her country of residence is Canada, and the rest of the players are terrified of her. While this would be a move of pure genius in hockey, it fails in football. Drew Carey and Jane Lynch are locked into tv contracts, and most of the retired quarterbacks have a bit of a Traumatic Brain Injury issue, and showed up to camp with baseball bats. Black Lives Matter showed up, but left when they realized they had nothing to complain about, so they took off to the NHL.

Szilard Demeter, ministerial commissioner and head of the Petofi Literary Museum in Budapest, compared George Soros to Adolph Hitler and the nazis. Mr. Demeter retracted his statement:

Fellow Hungarians, I apologize most humbly for saying George Soros was like Hitler and the nazis. It was a most unfortunate slip of the tongue. What I meant to say was 'George Soros is a very naughty boy,' so you can see how I made that mistake.

Joe Biden picked all women for his communications team.

We are told they all have nice-smelling hair.

My emails are getting weird.

Moreso.

No, really. Ever since Guitar Center announced Chapter 11. They already got all sorts of clingy and needy - now it's getting pitiful. They're coming in hourly....

Dear lefty: hey, that 15% off we gave you? Since we feel the way we do, make it 20%. 

Dear lefty: That 20% is still on the line. We're sure you heard about our Chapter 11. We thought we had a little love here. You bought a lotta strings from us. Just sayin...

Dear lefty: Chapter 11 means nothing if you don't come back...

Dear lefty: were you ordering from Amazon? 

Dear lefty: haven't the pedals meant anything to you? If we go bankrupt, there will be no more pedals.

Dear lefty: Musicians Friend ain't gonna be your friend because we own them too.

Dear lefty: remember that time you came in for a cord with that redhead.. the one that wasn't Mrs lefty?

Dear lefty: sometimes we miss you so much it hurts. Can you understand that?

Dear lefty: No, we don't carry a single interesting left handed guitar, but we promise, if you come back, we'll have 1 in every store...

Dear lefty: remember the back room?

• I know shipping is a little rough during the holidays, but my just-shipped package will arrive sometime between this month and late next month.

I was just told to let the dog out. Well, try to let the dog out.

You see, I don't think I let the dog out right. She stares at me and won't go near the door. Apparently her mommy lets her out better. The dog will not go near the door until her mommy gets up and walks toward it.

I told her she mows the lawn better too, but no luck.

Did you miss Black Friday or Black Saturday or Black Sunday because you were knocked out and tied up by escaped inmates? You're so in luck - it's Cyber Monday! Are you beginning to think this is all an even bigger attempt to get your money? Do you wonder how they came up with these names, and if there are more on the way? Kinetic Tuesday? WowWow Wednesday? Cyber-Stupid Thursday? Grossly Incompetent Friday? Flat Tire on the Information Highway Saturday? Sexy Sunday (where the deals are guaranteed but the sex isn't)? 

According to my inbox, which tells me solar weather (but not earth weather), my Black Friday coupons are still valid, and the state of my relationship with Guitar Center, there sure are a lot of sales. Gaming seems to be a huge category. Unfortunately, when the gaming craze started, I was left in a basket on church steps, and missed it totally. I know that if you call something 'gaming', you can charge 74% extra for it: get this limited edition gaming mouse pad - only $49.99! I know there's a Final Fantasy, but it's all a lie.. just when you think the fantasy was final, there's a Final Fantasy XII. I can't support that level of deceit. There are a ton of headphones; wireless, wired, and tie-yourself-up-in-the-cord. Some have mics, like a pilot, which partially hide your face. From what I've seen, people should pay extra for anything that hides their face. If you're going to buy anything that starts with Amazon Fire, don't. Every keystroke goes through Amazon, to the Bezos-Lair. Get yourself a regular old android tablet, that only goes through the Goog. After you bought Gaming Everything, you'll need a Gaming Chair from which to perform your Gaming Magic. The Herman Miller Gaming Chair is only $1,499. Snap em up before they're all gone!

There are wireless mice, which, if they're gaming mice, are horribly expensive. There are Xbox goodies... last time I checked, Xbox has a microphone inside that's always on. If you start talking about linux or Mac, your games won't work. Of course there are 43 different tv's for sale, mostly the same size.. the kids can fight over the 43" or the 44".

There are laptops. Cheap laptops. Believe me, you get what you pay for. There are gaming laptops, indicating you are not getting what you're paying for. At the Laptop Factory, Bob goes around to half the laptops, putting a GAMING sticker on them, so they can charge twice the normal price. There are lots of tiny 13" monitors, which are obviously marketed to children. I'd spend all day trying to boot up a 13" monitor because I couldn't see where to log in.

There are a ton of Apple products. Do not purchase an Apple product unless it has the $Expensive tag on it, otherwise it's a fake product.

Don't forget the mechanical keyboards, as opposed to the ones you use your mind for?

Get a good deal on SD storage for your phone or whatever. You need a place to keep your larger pR0n files.

The Insta Pot is deceptively named, because it still takes time to cook stuff - just less time. I have one... it took me longer because it had 3 lids and I couldn't figure out which one to put on. The directions were almost, but not quite, IKEA quality.

So yeah... Happy Buying. Remember your local stores, before their Idiot Mayors put them out of business due to Flying AIDS restrictions. Or Idiot Governors, who discovered prime shopping time was Sunday at noon, so he ordered all stores closed. To protect you.

People keep talking about the Vaccine<tm> to eradicate the Flying AIDS. There are other ways, you know. Allow me to list some:

• have Rosie Perez talk at it
• have the CDC and WHO attempt to make it more lethal
• have it star in the latest Hollywood blockbuster
• form Virus Lives Matter and peacefully march a lot, destroying other virus' stores and homes
• infect it with ransomware

Linus Torvalds, contentious father of linux, doubts linux will get ported to Apple M1 hardware.   --------> Who cares? 

So that illegally installed Monolith in Utah that the aliens put there in their never-ending quest to mess with us? It was illegally uninstalled. Somewhere, in a spaceship circling the planet, the grays are wetting their.... whatever grays wet.

• Baltimore public schools shut due to ransomware. This after Baltimore city shut due to ransomware. Obviously they hired (then fired) some uber competent IT folks. Be safe and stay out of Baltimore... if their traffic lights are computer controlled, it's gonna be a Big Mess<tm>.

Home Wi-Fi security tips – 5 things to check

• Story: Joe Biden fractured his foot while playing with his dog
• Reality: he tried to sniff Kamala's hair

 

The Quick Brown Fox Gets Run Over Early

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Kill the Turkey

Turkey reheated.
Turkey sandwiches.
Turkey soup.
Stuffing sandwiches.
Throw out the bloody cranberry lump that Aunt Joan made to look like it just came out of a can, complete with lines....

• So the Remaining Royal got engaged. Fortunately there's absolutely nothing else going on in the known universe, so television, news, the internet, and people on the street can be completely absorbed in this great bloody nonsense. 
• As a Murkin, I'll obviously never understand the Royals and Britain's Royal Fascination. Not to mention the finances and ancient nefarious connections.
• Out here in the Real World<tm>, it turns out that people get engaged, marry, get knocked up, and divorce all the time.  Not one of us rates a notice, news story, or full Social Media Blitz.
• Sometimes, before or after engagement, sperm hits its target and a pregnancy results. Again, not so much as two lines on Faceyspaces, with four likes. The morning 'news' program has spent two full days on this. When we got married, we sent out email announcements. Not a single response, because everyone thought we were kidding. Imagine - me, kidding!

WARNING: if you need to wear a shirt with GORGEOUS or sweatpants with BOOTYLICIOUS on them, you're not.

• But it's ok - for the rest of us, who are sick of Royal News, there is still time to catch the ponderous, endless stream of Dog the Bounty Hunter marathon on A&E.
• Mrs. Dog, sadly, has cancer. This is not a problem for the show, which smelled ratings!
• If possible, they are going to livestream her chemo. Yes, the guy whose dog just went through chemo is now making human chemo jokes.

Those of you who survived Turkey Day lived to see Black Friday. This is a manufactured event, in which people are supposed to buy Stuff that's supposed to be on sale. Some of these deep-researching geniuses have come up with the perfect item that must be purchased and wait in line to purchase it, sometimes in tents. Things get interesting when they somehow manage to get inside the store. Things get even more interesting when there are tv cameras there, which document the carnage for the area and the rest of the world, via YouTube, to see. People pushing, people shoving, people taking sharp and blunt objects to each other - and that's in the parking lot. This is a sociology experiment gone really wrong twenty years ago, hence its repetition every year.

So you've pretty much digested your turkey and the alarm went off at 3am, and here you are at [insert generic electronics store that is not at all Best Buy], with the doors just opening and General Unrest rearing his ugly head. The great mass of (in)humanity surges toward the door. Unfortunately, physics dictates that the width of the great mass of humanity go through the choke point of two doors, so humanity goes ahead and chokes. Each other, if necessary. People have died by falling and being Trampled Underfoot (2nd song reference - did you get the first?). After hopefully making it through the doors, you vault ahead, as if shot from a slingshot, to the... I dunno.. where did we want to go?

The Prepared Shopper, whose tent is insulated and has flowing booze, sprints right to their preferred, highly-researched item. Oh, so sorry... the large screen tv that takes up an entire wall and connects to your neural pathways, is not in stock. You discover that there was only one for sale anyway, and that went to Ralph, the manager's girlfriend's special son, the previous evening. Oh well, at least you got to stay in a freezing parking lot overnight.

The Real Hip Genuine 2000s Smart Consumer, who really has her shit together, has also been doing her research, but only for what's coming on Cyber Monday. This is a veritable online orgy of alleged deals from innumerable retail outlets, only these don't require a tent or getting up at 4am, hence it doesn't really count as Family Time. These poor slobs have also been deluded into the false belief that there are some actual deals to be had. While there are no apparent limits on large screen tvs for sale, you will run into them in terms of finding out they're no longer in stock, approximately two days before Christmas. 

This shit is mandatory, in case you didn't get the email.

The email, by the way, promised deals in every department, backed up by incredibly annoying tv commercials, featuring singing flipping boxes, belting out the worst vomitous soft classic rock tunes from your misspent youth. 

This email is markedly different from the email from a random Nigerian prince, promising you untold wealth, if you'd only send him your banking information. It turns out you can't even pirouette in Nigeria without hitting a prince.

If you happen to be a musician and mysteriously got on the emailing list for Guitar Center, you're in for a real treat. I counted eleven emails over the weekend, all with promotions for Black Friday and Cyber Monday, plus a 25% discount coupon, good on anything in the store, except for two paragraphs of exceptions at the bottom of the email. If you take the time to do the math, you can save 25% on your choice of (new only) guitar picks or those tiny little rubber things that go on the bottom of boxes so they don't slip. This is the package of six tiny little things, not the thirteen piece pack. I expect their manager to be personally knocking on my door tomorrow, asking why I haven't used my coupon yet. He already sent me three emails. When he comes by, I'll ask him about left-handed guitars. The coupon, of course, applies to new lefty guitars, but they happen to be out of them. And when I say out of them, I mean they don't stock them, or happen to be caught naked with two cheapies hanging on the wall, one of which is used, which is not covered by the coupon. For some reason, it would cause grievous bodily harm to order a few lefty guitars for southpaw customers. Perhaps even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'd feel terrible if I inadvertently caused this with my selfish demands for a guitar I could actually play.

After you have completed this conspiracy by retail to further separate you from your money, there is a Brand New imaginary invented day: Giving Tuesday. This is the day you're allegedly supposed to give to charity.  The very clever joke here is that this day was also invented by the retail sector. It makes them look great and also disguises the fact that by the time you're done with Black Friday and Cyber Monday, you have absolutely nothing left to Giving Tuesday. It's brilliant in concept and execution. You don't even have room on your credit cards, which were so maxed out, you had to get a few more. If you're in the UK, you can get them in 39% or 59% interest, and payday loans up to the minimally impacting rate of 1239%. Yes, that's right - you read that right (third song reference), 1239 percent.  In fact, as soon as you get the money conveniently deposited in your checking account the next day, Uncle Luigi comes by to collect the vig. If you don't happen to have it the next day, Luigi says that's fine, the amount you owe has been 'adjusted upward' to 2977%. This is grand progress from the days when Luigi would break a few of your limbs. Payday Loans have realized they can hurt you far worse than physically by interest and credit reporting alone.

So if I, for some strange reason, happen to have a few shekels left to divest myself of, I conveniently have an entire inbox of Helpful Suggestions. Even the libertarian party has an appeal. To be absolutely honest, and I am scrupulously honest, as you read several times per week, there's an organization called Oldies But Goodies, which finds homes for older cockers. I'm pretty sure it's tax-deductible. A few hard-earned dollars went there, before our own issues with an even older cocker. Screw the humans - there's no hope for them. Give to dogs (and even cats) whose situation is caused by humans, and can be remedied with a few of your dollars.  Give money, in-person help, pet food, and blankets to your local SPCA. Overbreeding, lack of spay/neuter, and pure human stupidity have landed these poor guys there.

SHIT - I have actually promoted the thing I just got done skewering.

• My house is weird. You probably just shot your coffee out your nose, all over the screen, and said, "No!"
• It lags the outside temperature by strange amounts, so that when it's warm outside, it's freezing inside. I don't actually know this until I go outside, and I don't go outside because Bad Things Happen when I go outside.
• In fact, whenever I open the front door, the neighbors yell at me not to let all my cold air outside and make it cooler for the rest of them.
• Pretty soon I'll be the only house on the block with windows open after Thanksgiving.

Abandoned Army and NSA Intelligence Sharing System data was left exposed to the public on an unsecured server. These are the people 'protecting' us and 'keeping us safe'. Mostly just spying on us.

• The UK, long known for systems, spying, and intel, has decreed that porn sites must age-verify, so children under eighteen do not access videos of people performing relatively normal human activities. Just imagine the fun that will ensue once this data gets stolen due to a not-protected server somewhere. Plus, you raise wonderfully-adjusted children when you brand sex 'dirty'.

An important court case is being brought by the ACLU (for people who think they do nothing good, here's an example of why they do). The government, which, as mentioned early, 'protects' us by spying on us, maintains that you have no expectation of privacy when you voluntarily give out information. Information, in this context, is your cell phone's location data, only you haven't freely given it out. The case attempts to overturn a guilty ruling for a person convicted of a crime via location data, obtained without a warrant. The spy agencies maintain that they don't need a warrant to spy on you. You'll note that this is a popular, recurring thing. They will spy anyway, so this is just window dressing to make it look like they're not violating Fourth Amendment protections. Law is ill-prepared to deal with electronic communications and advancements. Use your imagination as to why the government would prefer not to rely on your constitutional rights and protections.

• Bulletproof Coffee has informed customers that although their coffee is bulletproof, their network isn't. 

Marshall's treatments approach the finish line. The last chemo appointment was last week, stopped one treatment early because he's doing so well. This week, his bloodwork came up just fine. Next week is a visual inspection to see if there are any lesions left. Meanwhile, the New and Improved Marshall is ramping up the annoying of his parents, whining pitifully for everything his little heart desires. This usually takes place when they are doing something important.

No matter how intelligent he is, and he's frightening, he still drinks from the toilet.

• Here's a great headline: "French president Macron says gender-based insults will become a crime, punishable by law."
• Countries are criminalizing speech. Spoiled as we are by our First Amendment, this is shocking. Freedom of speech includes speech that you do not agree with - potentially ugly speech, that you'd prefer not to hear. Political correctness (social justice warriors) demands censoring speech with which they do not agree). The fact that this is infecting entire countries is worrisome. It's like a bad nightmare from old science fiction come true.
• The point of this exercise is "educating the public and schoolchildren about sexism and violence against women."  What this means is that men are not allowed to say bad words about women, but it will be perfectly ok for women to say what they like to and about men. Isn't that wonderful?

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios? No.

• While we're all happy happy joy joy, I'll leave you with this small rant: we recently had our car's windshield replaced. When this happens, the service will give you the piece of the original glass, containing your stickers. All went incredibly well. This was followed in rapid succession by a number of police stops, demanding to know where the stickers were. Fortunately, they were all fielded by Mrs. lefty, who was none too pleased at the opportunity. Once the relevant documents were produced, the police smiled and she went on her way, semi-unmolested.
• Today's visit with the local constabulary produced nastiness and attitude on the part of the policeman. When the documents were produced, he angrily went on about how this wasn't supposed to be like this. Well, what would you like done and what are the legal specifics on it, Officer?  The kind gentleman then gave her a legal warning. Thank you, Officer Dickhead. There's always one.
• I suggested keeping the piece of windshield on the dash to avoid aggravation. Wife said this was a good idea, except when stopping quickly, when the glass would turn into a projectile. Well, yeah... there is that.

I gave up trying to find stuff years ago and now just ask