Do Snakes Fart?

Yes.

It's been a rough time in the old state..... first an earthquake, then an eclipse.

All brought to you by the letter E.

I was nonplussed by both, although it's always weird to have an earthquake here because by the time you figure out it was an earthquake, it's already over. It's not like we get many of them. It was a 4.8, which means the Planet of California is laughing at us. I had an earthquake at work, many years ago. I had the good fortune to be on the potty at the time. It started shaking and moving toward the wall and back for a while.  I figured that one out pretty quickly after dispatching the idea that the lunatics that ran that place put in vibrating commodes, or made an amusement park ride out of the bathroom. I must have been beta testing it because I had no tickets.

I saw the eclipse without glasses. Wife said blindness would only improve my outlook.

Little did she know I watched on tv. People got really excited. I didn't. All we got was brown skies, like there was going to be a tornado or something. If we want crappy weather, we don't need an eclipse - our weather is mostly crappy.

Mrs. lefty's body parts are not cooperating, meaning she's recuperating in bed all day. This means the dog is also in the bed all day. It also means I get stuck with the shopping. I suppose I should be happy I don't have to go to CostCo. But I'm not. In fact I'm not happy in general, especially when it involves doing stuff.

I knew it was going to be worse than I thought when I hit the inside glass doors and a guy on a motorized cart was completely in the way of the open doors. Why? He was rubbing down the cart, perhaps for germs. Completely blocking the entrance. Maybe he was protecting himself from snakes by using snake repellent. Perhaps he needed to block the entire entrance because that helped him with his voodoo, although I didn't see any dead chickens. Or snakes.

Soda was on sale. If you buy 2, the price is only twice what it was before the Flying AIDS. Wife laughs at me... actually she laughs at me a lot... because I don't know what things cost. This is part of a plot on my part. If I keep expressing surprise and anger, she'll leave me at home. See the magic here?

There. Was. No. Dog. Food.

Well, actually there was an entire aisle of dog food; just not our brand.

Because she's a tuna-seeking missile, we get her seafood-flavor food. The store had any flavor I wanted, so long as it was chicken and rice. In addition to seafood being her favorite, I used the price as a Flying AIDS price control: it started at $14 and went over $20 the last time they had it.

At least they had English Toffee Oreos. They're like crack (but more expensive). Nabisco will put absolutely anything in Oreos; dark chocolate, mega-stuff, oregano, etc.

Speaking of prices, by the time I checked out, it was more than the mortgage payment. In order to get the discount, I had to put in a phone number (that I haven't had for 20 years). I can remember that but don't ask me to finish a sentence with the correct word.... "That's a really nice.... dammit.... elephant? No. Parade? No. Parking job - that's it."  I asked the doctors about this and they put my mind at ease. They said I didn't have dementia or diseases.... it's normal for aging persons. Yeah, I'm really at ease now. They said forgetting where your car keys are is normal. Forgetting what they do isn't.

Privacy is ‘virtually impossible’ on iPhones, experts warn

Just another reason (of many) not to use Apple devices. Do not compute with fruit.

 

Turkeys Go Well With Vaccines

 Your love is like  a box-o-spiders, all Black Widows

Q. Are zebras white with black stripes or black with white stripes.

A. Neither. Zebras are green.

Today I identify as  a microphone that everybody walks up to and asks "is this thing on?"

A German State Is Saying Goodbye Windows, Hello Linux

Now, if only our government....

Flying AIDS News  

The new COVID war: Redefining vaccinated

Germans will be ‘vaccinated, cured or dead’, says minister

ve haf zees nice camps for zem  

Dutch police arrest more than 30 amid ongoing unrest

Adults nationwide eligible for boosters this weekend as CDC gives sign-off

Covid in Kenya: Unvaccinated to be banned from public spaces

53.3% of the world population has received at least one dose of a COVID-19 vaccine

Sweden now has Western Europe's LOWEST Covid infection rate - didn't shut down society

Europe's lockdown fury: Violence breaks out in Vienna as 10,000 protesters take to the streets and thousands more march in Amsterdam - hours after two people are SHOT in Rotterdam during clashes between activists and Dutch riot police

I don't advocate violence, but people all over the world are starting to wake up and show backbone.

• Tesla entertains us once again: some Tesla owners were unable to unlock their cars due to server errors.
• THIS is the problem with the Internet of Things. Anything that needs to contact a server to operate is a no-go. By the same token, Tesla can push software to your car that you did not approve or want. No IoT here, thank you.

A Michigan woman tried to hire an assassin online at RentAHitman.com. Now, she's going to prison.

What kind of world is it when you can't even rent a hitman?

I made the mistake of getting between the dog and her mommy yesterday.

Penny was sitting on my lap, when her mommy appeared.

Penny got so excited, she did a 180 and ran off the chair, splitting my lip with a nail.

So now I have this impressive cut down my lip.

When people ask, I tell them I got it trying to save children from an out of control car.

My life just isn't that exciting.

• FDA approves first drug for genetic cause of dwarfism
• the drug is being boycotted "until they refer to us as little people"  

the pedos
the joke was on him - Epstein was Jewish

Black Friday has been going on for a month now. This must confuse the hell out of children.

MOMMY - why is it Black Friday today? It's Tuesday.

I thought Black Friday was after we eat turkey.

Oooh, games!

Next year, Black Friday will be in February.

So, reader-type-people, I need a favor. Can you check in and tell me what, if anything, you want?

I promise not to tell anybody.

Can you also tell me if it's normal not to want anything? The Black Friday sales bore me to death, and I can't think of anything I want for xmas. Or is it just the Spirit of Humbug?

Technically, I'd like Emilia Clarke to babysit me while Wife is out of town, but I feel it unwise to ask Wife for that for xmas.

Anybody?

I generally don't want anything for birthdays or holidays. Well, anything I can afford, like vintage guitars that cost as much as my house.

I actively dissuade anybody from buying me anything. It's not only because I don't want anything, it's because it will inevitably be stupid.

How about some nice, generic cologne?

A hairbrush (for the remaining hair)

Diet candies (good lord)

a sports jersey (for the AntiSports)

animal slippers (not old or female enough to wear slippers)

mowing accessories (let's get him something to complement his most hated activity)

an iPhone  (it sizzles when my skin comes in contact with it)

an iPhone cover  (won't that fit on your phone?)

a sweater  (ugly sweater contest? EVERY sweater is an ugly sweater. Have you ever SEEN me wear a sweater?)

Windows 11  (also sizzles)

A concert ticket (Yay!) to see Ed Sheeran (oof)

a Junior Demolitions Kit (Yay!)  without plastic explosives  (boo)

Do It Yourself Crab Farm

Home STD Kit  (testing or getting?)

Alexa

Johnny Bravo Home Napping Kit  (I can teach a master course in napping)

guitar picks  (yay!) with Justin Bieber on them (boo)

Me: xmas is coming

Her: yeah, I have to find anthrax for my sister

Me: Do me a favor? I love your mother, but could you please tell her not to get me anything?

Her: She tries so hard.

Me: I know she does, and I try to look grateful. It's just that last year's Santa mittens weren't quite me.

Her: You're tough to buy for.

Me: That's why I tell everyone not to buy me anything. You're easy - a gift certificate to a shoe store puts you over the moon.

Her: What do I tell her?

Me: I dunno - tell her I have taken a vow of poverty or I have cancer or something...

Her: Yeah, lemme get right on that. 

Me: What about the family polyanna?

Her: Oh, we took you out of that years ago, after the Plumbing Incident.

Me: Look - all I said was, "This explosive has a waterproof fuse, so you could flush it down the toilet." I'm not around kids. How was I to know they'd actually do it? Why is everybody so sore - I paid for new plumbing for the house.....

Michael Hutchence (INXS) died on this day.

Michael, a real rock star, failed to die a rock star's death (choking on his own vomit due to drugs).

Michael died of autoerotic asphyxiation. This means he strangled himself while having sex with himself.

This is why you should never have sex by yourself. Always bring a friend or three.

Biden and aides tell allies he is running in 2024 amid growing Democratic fears

President Taxit said he expects he'll be running most mornings, and has anybody seen his ice cream? They told him he'd get ice cream after speaking.

Much like the republicans before them, democrats are getting repetitive stress disorder from shaking their heads, sadly.

I got out of the shower the other day and things started to shake and rumble.

Why does this Stuff only happen when I'm in the bathroom?

Years ago, at work, I sat on the toilet, and the entire building shook. It was an earthquake.

Mrs. lefty, who was Out and About, told me it was fighter jets.

The problem is that the only fighter jet base anywhere near closed years ago.

After two days of this, we discovered it was a NORAD exercise.

Why would an organization that looks for hazards (and ufos) coming in over the horizon, need an exercise in the North Atlantic US?

Happy Turkey Day, people.

I am most thankful that you come by and read my rantings.

Marshall Strikes Again

For once, it's not what you think.
I found myself, certainly not by accident, at the Philly Guitar Show. The amplifier company known as Marshall, named after my dog, Marshall, put out a cute little series of amps called Code. They were being demoed at a booth at the show. It was an adorable little thing (models from 25 watts up) and I haven't bought anything in I can't remember how long. The 1958 lefty Stratocaster I saw last week was $60,000, so I figured it might have to wait a little while. I saw other Interesting Stuff at the show, which I will detail in another post (I know you're waiting anxiously).

The salesguy's main point was that this little guy could be controlled by your phone, using BlueTooth. Yes, instead of turning the knobs on your amplifier, you could turn them on your phone (android and the other one - I checked). While this might be nice for someone who has mobility issues, I can turn a knob with the best of them.   One of the things Marshall forgot to advertise was that the box is so sharp that it will give you a Cardboard Cut. So I bled for a bit, which is never a good thing. Passing out while driving is not encouraged, except for some places in Philadelphia.

I don't know if this is part of getting older or one of my many deficiencies but I don't get nearly as excited as I used to when I was younger. It took me a nap and a few hours to get around to trying it out. I opened the box, without urge to take pictures or video of the box and posting it on YouTube for everyone to see. This is actually a thing: you take video of the box and opening it. They call it 'unboxing'. There is usually no actual information or tryout of the item in question - just physically taking it out of the box, plus a few shots of the device itself. We're a weird bunch, we are.

Setting something up in my house is a unique challenge, requiring lots of cursing and being assaulted by cables, grabbing and twisting themselves around you like a cat who's in the way and demanding attention. Or a constricting, venomous snake. Putting aside a very jealous Fender Mustang amp, the last next-to-couch amplifier venture, I fired the bugger up. It has that cute Marshall white script logo. One day I'll take a picture of it with Marshall the cocker next to it and send it to Marshall Amps. It's got all sorts of blinky lights, which should keep the current generation of Faceyspaces players interested. I declined to play with the BlueTooth feature, exercising my rights to turn knobs. Since I have the attention span of a pregnant gnat, I chose to go through the outrageous presets to get an idea of what it could do (unfortunately it could not vacuum, but at least I wasn't expecting it, hence very little disappointment).

The little beast is actually pretty cool. It came up rather rapidly, as it has no tubes in it. It makes some fun noises, from old clean to high-powered stacks of LOUD amplifiers. It will be fun and hold my limited attention for a while. No, it's not quite my large Marshall, but it's not supposed to be. And Jeebus, this bit was certainly much larger than I had intended.

• Watch the skies for the Supermoon. You will be able to identify it by its humongous size and its red or blue cape, depending on time of year and temperature coefficient.

Samsung is buying Harman International, provider of sound systems and components for cars, in a push toward smart devices. And apparently exploding cars.

• Reince Preibus: why? When vetting him, they should have tried to figure out where his name came from. Or what planet.

Here's a little ditty called "So You Think You Can Be A Morning Person" Seriously? I know they're supposed to exist but they're very rare in the wild.

• Ok, let's call a timeout in the War on Elections. The left needs to stop damaging stuff (and people). The right needs to stop gloating and deifying the president-elect (as the left would if their candidate got in). It's time to get on with things. (Libertarians, you can keep crying quietly)
• And while we're on the topic, I've seen a LOT of foreign commentary and concern around the election. It's odd to see foreigners more wound up than some of the locals. One day I hope to be so frustrating that I cause demonstrations and riots in foreign countries. I'm a simple man, with simple desires.
• I can't forget this: VP-elect Mike Pence is seriously anti-abortion. In a move that could only happen in 2016, people are making donations to Planned Parenthood in his name. For each donation, notice is sent to him. Laughter is the greatest form of protest. Or something.
• About these protests: I harken back to when Obama was elected (both times)... remember all the fun we had, rioting in the streets, peeing on or own shoes and setting babies on fire? Good times.

Yet another NFL Sports Dude has sat out the national anthem before a game, over the 'joke' election.  Now I'd sit out the national anthem to protest the national anthem being played, but we're getting a little silly here. South Park suggested they invite everyone to sit or stand for the anthem, which would thwart some of this nonsense. If the players are seriously upset, I encourage them to not show up for games for a year and donate their salaries to an appropriate charity, like the Kneeling Sisters of Beryl, or some other deserving group. That should bring the entire brouhaha to a screeching halt.

• I hope my New Zealand readers are ok after their serious earthquake. Two people lost their lives, which is probably two people more than read this blog from New Zealand.

Using the (V)agina Card

Big Pharma is working tirelessly on a female Viagra.
Before you go off wondering how far I'm going to go with this, I must assure you this is purely medical (almost).

It would seem that there's a campaign to get the FDA to approve flibanserin, a female Viagra. The campaign is comprised of women's groups and, strangely enough, the developer of flibanserin. The claim is that the FDA has a gender bias, in approving twenty six Erectile Dysfunction drugs for men and none for women.

On its surface, this looks like a legitimate claim. Spend a few more seconds with me and we'll see if we have the same opinion.

As it turns out, flibanserin has been studied and rejected twice by the FDA, due to the side-effects outweighing the benefits.

But it's gender-related, right?

This week, the FDA will consider flibanserin for the third time (due to pressure from these groups?).

Other women's groups say the above groups are making a mockery of the FDA approval process. Sounds about right to me.

Let's face it... reality would dictate that we need Big Pharma to come up with drugs that work and are marginally safe. If this were to happen, odds are the FDA would approve them (bribes and powerful friends help - think aspartame). The potential sales of this kind of pill would be in the billions of dollars. Do you think for a moment Big Pharma isn't working on it (aside from the above-mentioned political ploy)?

I'm all for a solution for women - I'd just prefer it to be a safe one.

=====================================

A woman who married her female partner last year without first divorcing her husband has pleaded guilty to bigamy and other charges in Virginia.

• bigamy: one wife too many
• monogamy: same

====================================

Speaking of cards, I need one. I need one simple card or phrase I can pull out to deflect all criticims.  Black people can use the R-card (racism), Jews have the A-card (antisemitism) and, as you see above, women have the V-card. Now that I have completely alienated the NAACP, the ADL and most (if not all) women, let's get down to business.

I don't fit into any of the accepted minority groups. In fact, as a white male, I'm considered responsible for most of the world's ills. So you see, I need my own card.  I'm thinking the L-card. Yes, left-handed rights! Lately the press is full of people bemoaning the lack of women in tech (funny, I've always worked with women), demanding and setting up programs to recruit women in tech.

This raises yet another bugaboo: equal opportunity regulations. Forgetting for a moment the libertarian belief that the government has no business messing with business, do we need these kinds of laws? My personal belief is that the most qualified candidate should get the job, period.  Let's think about this a second.... Man #1 qualifies for the local police, with a score of 92 on his entrance exam. Woman #1 is hired due to EEOC regulations, with a score of 79.  Do you want your police to have the 'correct' amount of minorities on the force or the highest-scoring test-takers? They may be at odds with each other.

From now on, whenever something doesn't go my way, I shall whip out (uh-oh) and use the L-card. Not hired? That's dexterism. Passed over for a promotion? It's obviously because they gave my less-qualified right-handed colleague the job. I demand the EEOC enact regulations requiring a certain amount of dexterously-correct hires. A quota of southpaws. A lorry of lefties. A sack of sinisters. A sizable stack of satan's spawn. Lefty Rights!

And now even more people can hate me!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A senior official in the Malaysian state of Sabah blamed naked tourists for the deadly quake of 6/5/15. Yes, Joseph Pairin Kitingan says this tragedy is connected to a group of Western tourists who recently posed nude on the peak and allegedly cursed at a local guide for trying to prevent them from stripping. Mr Pairin says the tourists made the spirits of the mountain angry.

This brings to mind the fellow who said that abortion was responsible for earthquakes in Mexico.

And now we know.

P.S. The world has yet to come up with a slur exclusively for Malaysians. I suspect they may be feeling left out.

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I just read an article stating undercover DHS testing revealed that 95% of items could be smuggled through airport security. Read that again: ninety five percent of screeners failed.

The article took a somewhat surprised tone. I just shook my head.. from the beginning I have stated that Homeland Security is Security Theater.  Security Theater is a program staged for the benefit of its viewers but without any serious thought toward its stated purpose.  Another example is the Patriot Act. The FBI and various letter agencies have admitted that the illegal interception of ALL of our data has not stopped one single case of 'terrorism' (Admitted Security Theater). Despite this, our president, McConnell and the always entertaining Feinstein are demanding the Patriot Act be reinstated. Constitutional rogues and political failures.

Do we really need the government protecting us like this? At the cost of our liberties?

The TUNE SPOT

When you're an instrumentalist and people who aren't musicians respond to your playing and songs, you're doing it correctly. Few do it more correctly than Eric Johnson.  Hailing from Austin, TX (like Stevie Ray Vaughan), Eric plays like no other and has sent many a guitar player back to his solitary room to practice and practice and practice again. He has speed, tone, and phrasing down.

Few guitarists win a Grammy award, but Eric did in 1991 for Best Rock Instrumental Performance. The song is Cliffs of Dover. I have even heard it on Rock radio stations. This is the live version, because it's faithful to the studio version and it gives you an idea of what he's like live and the things he can do. Here's Zap, from the same concert in Austin. Here's a concert in 1997, at LA's House of Blues.

Mrs. lefty and I stood almost at Eric's feat for a show in Philly. Most recently we saw him on the Experience Hendrix tour of 2014. Mrs. lefty was spellbound and loves listening to his songs. You will too (my advice is worth exactly what you're paying for it).

Toilet or Amusement Park Ride?

So I'm at work, sitting there, minding my own business, making use of the facilities.  All of the sudden, the device upon which I am sitting starts to display an in and out soft of motion, completely uncharacteristic of normal operation.

This is not to say that we haven't had more than our share of strange happenings in our rest rooms, no sir.  We have a urinal that's only operational one day per week, between being broken and physically being missing.  We have a stall that has a semi-permanent lake just to the right of it.  And we have automatic paper towel dispensers that never give you the same amount of paper towel twice in a row.  Regardless of what size they give you, it's not enough.

Doing a quick inventory, I assure myself that I have not forgotten any of my Happy Meds<tm>, nor have I forgotten to eat.  I have no outstanding appointments with any doctors. 

Plumbing has been known to shake a bit here and there, but I was experiencing rather a prolonged excursion, somewhat on the order of a child ride at the amusement park.  When porcelain moves, it's a bit difficult to determine whether it's just the porcelain or the entire building.

Bright soul that I am, I decided out would be a good place to take myself.

Back in my office, everyone was atwitter (does that still mean the same thing?) about the earthquake.

Oh.

How did we know it was an earthquake?  Because everyone on Faceyspaces said so.

Oh.