I'd like to wish my Jewish friends a Happy Passover.
But I can't, because it was a little while ago.
So I'll wish them a happy end of Passover.
The end of Passover, as I understand it, is the happiest part of Passover.
What is Passover?
Way back in the times when Charlton Heston parted Bea Arthur's hair and men rode on armed Chevrolet platforms pulled by octopi; Jesus had, through no fault of his own, become dead. This was later featured in Monty Python's Life of Brian. The Romans, a cheerful group that occasionally nailed people to wood, nailed Jesus to wood. Then they did what every forward-thinking civilization does - they put him in a cave with a huge rock in front of it, so his dead body couldn't escape. Well, Jesus showed them.... he came out of his cave in February and saw his shadow, indicating that everyone was in for four more weeks of pretending a rabbit is going to bring you candy.
Jesus was in no mood for this sort of thing and
passed over everyone's houses, guaranteeing that Air Traffic Control would have to lie again and tell everyone there was no unidentified flying lord on their radar that day. And to this day, the holiday is celebrated by the Jews with matzoh, because they couldn't eat bread during the time Jesus passed over their house, because the village baker was on vacation that week. The baker's apprentice was on a bender, having been to see the Dead the night before. This was before Jerry grew a beard.
Now, allow me to share another tradition that is not taught in your comparative religion class... For reasons unknown, Jews tend to buy too much matzoh and 'kosher for Passover' food for Passover. Considering that matzoh tastes worse than the cardboard box it comes in, overestimating the quantity borders on the insane. So at the end of Passover, there's all sorts of kosher food left. What is kosher food? In high school, my Jewish girlfriend said it was food that a rabbi spit on. That was good enough for me. If I didn't agree, I was going home by myself, so she was always right.
There is also something called guh-fil-ta fish. Don't bother asking me how it's spelled - it's spelled the way I spell it. The girlfriend showed it to me once. Your traditional fish, they come from water. You fish for them, they bite the hook, then you take them home to a woman, who guts them, throws them out, and cooks frozen fish she has on hand for just such emergencies. Guh-fil-ta fish does not come from water; it comes from a bottle. No, really. Ok, there is some water in the bottle, but it's mostly this very strange clear jelly, which doesn't show up on the periodic table. The 'fish' doesn't have a tail. Or eyes. Or any other characteristics that would identify it as a fish. Or even something that was alive at one time. It looks like...ummm... a sort of almost colorless almost gray.. ummm.. turd. There's really no way to describe it... run down to your supermarket
this minute and look for a jar. It's craggy, like the surface of the moon, from where it's thought to originate. It is virtually flavorless.. more of a texture, like a fast food burger or something you make out of a cat. As if this weren't enough, they dip it in this Purple Stuff. Being the good boyfriend, I did. OHMYFRIGGINGOD WHYDIDN'TTHEYTELLMETHISSHITIS HORSERADISH? It is the most potent form of horseradish known to man, disguised as Purple Stuff. It was my girlfriend's family tradition to burn someone's nasal tract to hell every year on Passover. To this day, I cannot deal with purple food and never grew back my sinuses.
Mrs leftystrat's buddy celebrates Passover, and thus winds up with lots of leftover matzoh. Every year she asks Mrs leftystrat if she'd like some. Every year, Mrs leftystrat gets excited and says she loves matzoh and would be happy to take some. Every year I ask why anyone would voluntarily eat that stuff and besides, she never eats it anyway. Every year she lists the things she can make with it, number one being fried matzoh. I saw fried matzoh once. Only once. I shall attempt to describe it thusly: take a dry, flat, moistureless cracker, and fry it. In essence, you have Deep Fried Cardboard, with extra grease. Each piece weighs ten pounds and everyone claims to love it, although you never see anyone actually
eating it.
Within two days, a five pound box of matzoh shows up, unopened.
I told you there's overbuying. Five pounds of matzoh is enough to feed an entire village in the time of Yul Brynner's shiny, bald head. And he died of cancer... draw your own conclusions. The matzoh sits out in a very conspicuous place for a few days, then goes to the pantry. Where it sits until at least the next Passover, by which time it hasn't expired. In fact, matzoh
never expires - it's just a conspiracy by the Matzoh Lobby to sell more.
And that, folks, is the Secret Passover Tradition.
Say, it's around the middle of April, isn't it....?
That means it's Tax Time!
Tax Time: when you have to pay more of your money, or you get some of your money back, without interest, because the feds aren't interested in you.
Cheech and Chong, a married couple (their names were changed to protect the IRS) waited til the last minute, as they did every year, to file their taxes. They purchased an expensive tax program because their situation was weird.
And who wouldn't have a weird situation if they had names like Cheech and Chong?
They fired up their tax program and for no particular reason, Chong turned ugly because she couldn't find her tax paperwork. She had only made three million dollars last year, which was a significant loss from the previous year's marijuana growing operation profits. Cheech asker her when she would like to start, as they were kinda due on this very day and Chong replied by suggesting something anatomically impossible, followed by telling him if he was so eager to start, perhaps he should start.
In fear for his life, Cheech put in his information and his earnings. Then it was again time for Chong, so he asked her for her paperwork. I CAN'T FIND IT but I can get a copy online. Cheech observed that she couldn't find the
floor, then decided to keep that thought to himself; he had grown rather attached to his genitalia.
After establishing that the paperwork had mysteriously been eaten by either the house or the invisible goat, Chong decided to get the information online. And by get the information, I mean have Cheech go online. Whenever Chong tried to go online, she broke out in a cold sweat and the computer always wound up stapled to the front of the house, in a small bag of dark metal shavings, next to what remained of the monitor. Cheech went online, to the federal site, to get her information.
Oh no... you can't get your information on the site unless you set up an account. CHONG - what's your account name?
I don't have an account.
Ok, let me set up one for you. Hey, it says there's already an account with your name. Did you set one up last year?
No.
Let me do a recovery for people who can't remember their names. Ok, your account is CHONG1234.
NO, MY
PASSWORD IS CHONG1234.
You can argue with me if you like, but the site itself said your account is CHONG1234. What's your password?
GODAMMIT, HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
The cat knew what was coming and retreated to the tornado shelter.
Let me see... ok, there's a password recovery. Ok, I.. oh wait... they are going to send you the password. In the mail. In 5-10 days.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO HELP ME. YOU NEED TO FILE FOR AN EXTENSION.
Oh, look... here are your security questions: what's your mother's middle name?
My mother doesn't have a middle name.
Ok then, just wait for that mail to arrive. Perhaps you should call and ask.
SURE - I'LL SIT THERE FOR HOURS, WAITING FOR THEM TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND TELL ME THEY CAN'T DO IT.
Play stupid - people will help.
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO DO?
Cheech had a few suggestions as to what she could do, but decided it might not be a good idea to use his outside voice.
An hour later the problem was solved. The customer service person was unfailingly polite. She could not provide the password, but freely gave out the info Chong needed. Don't bother thinking about this - it will only cause serious headaches, resulting in your inability to understand Survivor.
Meanwhile in PA:
After, through some sort of miracle, we managed to file our tax return, we had to file the state return. Since the stupid tax software only runs on Windows, I had to bring up Windows. This is distasteful to me. I shudder involuntarily.
One of the good things about Windows is how it identifies hardware that you plug in. Since I needed to print the return, I plugged the printer in, waited too long, then got an error message that it couldn't install the hardware. Funny, linux installed it in a blink of the eye.
Off I went to get the Windows driver.
Wife breaks out in a cold sweat when she has to do taxes. I break out in a cold sweat when going online to get something specific or ordering tickets or most transactions. This was no exception. After several clicks, I closed my eyes and clicked a few more times, eventually winding up at the drivers page. It correctly identified my operating system and helpfully told me it could not pull up the list of drivers - maybe I could reset the operating system and hit the update button. Only there was no update button, just a change button. So I updated and changed and it refused to let me. When I reloaded the page, it again correctly guessed my operating system again, and couldn't find the list of drivers again.
I can't download drivers from an official website for a huge printer company. Huge. Do you see why I break out in a cold sweat?
Every time I need something. I tried two browsers, including [heaven help me] Internet Explorer.
So I rebooted into linux, the One True Operating System, and printed the file.
Windows: it's not an operating system, it's a virus.
- Seven students at an elementary school in Maryland cut their wrists at school using blades from pencil sharpeners.
- Well, I guess we're going to need pencil sharpener control.
- Oops, a ban on pencil sharpeners was announced.
- Things are going to look really weird when the district finishes banning everything the students can use to harm themselves or others. The kids will have to remove shoelaces and belts before they hit the metal detectors, which, instead of guns, will check for pencil sharpeners. Shirts and pants can be used to hang themselves, so they will have to go. Since children are cruel little bastards, they will pick on underwear, so that will also be forfeited. Then some parent will accuse first graders of raping each other so genitals will be banned...
You probably heard about the
Southwest plane that was forced to land at Philly International after an engine blew and threw shrapnel through a window, which almost succeeded in sucking a passenger out a window. She was pulled back in by passengers and given CPR. Unfortunately she died. A tremendous job was done by the pilot and passengers. The passenger was the first death in an accident involving a US airline since 2009. This is some safety record.
Condolences to family and friends.
- We mourn the passing of Barbara Bush (92). She seemed like a really good person. Her choice in men was questionable...
Starbucks is closing over 8,000 stores for racial-bias education day.
What about gender bias?
Unconscious transgender bias?
Secret Antisemitism?
Latent Latino bias?
within a few years, they're going to have to recover from Cracker Bias.
- A panhandler stabbed a man with a steak knife in New York City when the man refused to give him money.
- SHIT. Prepare for knife control.
A transgender woman is claiming discrimination because she was booked into the male section of the Sacramento County Jail. The jail promised to send her some money when it gets a job.
The person identifies as a transgender woman. I identify as a surface to air missile. What section will the drop ME into? First you have to check to see if I have the correct surface to air missile parts.
"My humanity was stripped." Sorry, you can't say huMANity. It's sexist.
She feared for her safety in the male population. "I have female body parts; I just felt dehumanized." I think part of the problem here is that she also has male body parts.
I am not lacking in compassion. I feel compassion for the poor jail staff, who weren't sure what to do with this lady. Seriously.. if she has any more than the required male or female parts, or they're intermixed, what are they supposed to do? The woman was moved to the female population in short order. A spokesman said transgenders are always booked separately. Furthermore, the woman was put into a cell by herself, which happened to be on the male side.
Naturally, transgender advocates are up in arms, demanding transgender equality behind bars. Naturally, I have a solution: if transgender and other people spent more time IN bars, they wouldn't spend much time BEHIND them. My other suggestion is, heaven forbid, not to do the kind of stuff which would land you behind bars.
- The phalanx of lawyers hired by Bill Cosby to defend him against rape charges put their heads (or some other body parts) together and came up with a bulletproof defense: Bill doesn't like intercourse.
- In addition, they claim each one of the fifty women made it up.
- Who, aside from married women, doesn't like intercourse?
Because it's been quiet at Starbucks(?), a camera has been discovered in the rest room of an Atlanta suburb's store. An alert customer removed the camera and took it to the manager. The manager immediately called Corporate, which asked if it took any video of People of Color using the bathroom. The camera will also go for bias training when the chain closes its 8,000 stores.
- The Jacksons are very concerned for Paris, daughter of Michael 'No Nose' Jackson, noted racist who tried to become white. Suicide attempts, self-harm, and substance use have plagued her life.
- Grandmother Jackson became distraught when she learned Paris was dating a model/actress. Grandma is 'not a champion of same sex relationships' and 'believes she may have failed as a guardian'.
- Paris' godfather is Macaulay Culkin. Her relationships with men have been rocky.
- In what possible universe could a child of Michael Jackson turn out to have trouble?
Speaking of unrelated matters, Michael's other child, Blanket, is still suffering PTSD from being called Blanket. Matriarch Katherine put together a documentary only available to paying fans. Joe Jackson, Michael's father, said Blanket is bound for greatness, because he was told so by a fortune teller. Is Michael starting to make sense to you now?
Prince Jackson, Michael's son, has been very quiet since his teenage years. He is rumored to be in a special clinic in the Azores, for children of celebrities to learn how to misbehave and start a life of crisis and gender confusion. Prince had his first nose job at five.
I think the courts should have stepped in and taken Michael, for his own good. Perhaps then he and his poor kids would have had a chance. Prince, Paris, and Blanket: it's time to find a good influence and listen carefully.
- In Chicago, an elderly woman was found pushing a shopping cart which contained the body of a black woman. Police released no other details.
- You mean you're not supposed to push carts with dead bodies in them in Chicago? That's not what I heard.
- The elderly woman was sent to Starbucks for bias training.
Revenge porn, the practice of putting pictures or video online featuring your ex to shame them, is a hot topic on the internet. One popular site was taken down already. A Texas appeals court just ruled that revenge porn is protected by the First Amendment, noting that it usually prohibits "content based" restrictions.
As a First Amendment proponent, this is a very interesting case, which could wind up at the Supreme Court. I haven't seen the law, which covers a small portion of Texas, and is supposedly vague.
- I joke and snicker about Knife Control, as we all should. Today brings the news that a Texas mother who lost her son in a knife attack is calling for knife control, stating that the perp “should have not been allowed to have an illegal knife on him and use it to murder somebody.”
- Should we set up knife checkpoints all over Texas? If this was, as she said, an illegal knife, this proves that any sort of control will fail. And what's an illegal knife?
- It's bad enough that we have a country desperately trying to be a Nanny State, but useful idiots like this are making it worse.
RIP Coal: one of the good ones.
