Johnny, Don't Do That with the Anvils - they're too hard to clean

 

Your love is like  Crunchy Frog

• James Corden?

Today I identify as  The Pink Panther

So you're having one of those incredibly happy days, that nothing can ruin.

Did you know There's a 10% Chance Rocket Debris Will Kill Someone on Earth This Decade?

What a sad species. We trash the planet and then we trash space around the planet.

Besides - falling rocket debris never touches the people who deserve it most.

Michigan Library Fights to Restore Funding After Dispute Over Books With LGBT Themes

Voters decided to pull funding for the only library, proving nobody can read in Jamestown Township. Sheep are nervous.

Toyota and Subaru are recalling EVs because the tires might literally fall off. 

Bolts come loose and tires go bye-bye.

Tesla is insanely jealous.

 

Your ‘digital footprint’ might shock you: Average person posts 10,000+ times on social media in their lifetime

The average person posts everything. But you need to read this.

Today the president was found wandering around the White House, saying, "Tax..tax..tax..taxit." The alternative media claimed dementia. The White House spokeslady said it was only Joe being president.

Speaking of Old Joe, his $80 billion gift to the IRS has upset many. It had been allowed to languish, but Joe's doing what he can to promote Big Government and pay for all of his ridiculously expensive projects.

Arizona makes it illegal for bystanders to record cops at close range

No.

You can be filmed, with the excuse that you're in public and have no expectation of privacy. Same for police.

However, it's probably a good idea to stay out of the action.

Police: Ma'am, what are you doing?

Citizen: I'm filming this. I don't trust the police.

Police: You're two feet from my face.

Citizen: I need all the data to upload to all the social media sites.

Police: Can you move back two feet?

Citizen: DON'T CENSOR ME!

Police: I can't handcuff him with you in the way.

Citizen: Don't use that excuse to hide your abuse and misdeeds.

Police: But he could get away.

Citizen: Maybe you didn't need to sit on him then.

Police: He could steal your phone.

Citizen: BEAT HIM! SHOOT HIM. Sit on his neck - criminals don't need to breathe.

If I could make this happen with $100 bills... 

I left a cereal bowl out. This morning it had a nickel in it.

Whenever I go to vacuum, I have to watch for coins.

Nobody knows how or why this happens.

Usually stuff disappears. This is the only thing that appears (aside from dust). 

A man was sentenced to 65 years in prison for the murder of his wife. His testimony differed from his Fitbit location data. Isn't it bad enough Google tracks you... Fitbit does too. People reading this blog know this; they are well informed. Some don't care, but they know this.

So it's the penalty phase of the Parkland shooter trial. 

The trial is getting kind of iffy and the lawyers are getting kind of persnickety...

Lawyer: How do you know the defendant?

Lady: He's my friend.

Lawyer: He's your friend?

Lady: He's my friend. Are we supposed to repeat things?

Lawyer: Were you a good friend?

Lady: I'd say we were just friends.

Lawyer: On a scale of 1 to 10....

Lady: about 5...

Lawyer: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT. TELL ME EXACTLY.

Lady: Ok, exactly 5.5.

Lawyer: Use whole numbers, please.

Other Lawyer: OBJECTION! Prosecutor being an asshole.

Judge Hottie: Sustained.

Lawyer: So you knew the defendant, right?

Lady: Yes, I knew the defendant.

Lawyer: And were you closer to acquaintances than good friends?

Lady: He thought we...

Lawyer: DON'T TELL ME WHAT HE THOUGHT.

Lady: We were somewhat friendly.

Lawyer: You didn't always live in the same state as the defendant.

Lady: Correct.

Lawyer: What other state did you live in?

Lady: New Jersey.

Lawyer: Ah, New Jersey. I see. How frequently did you travel to his state?

Lady: Every now and then.

Lawyer: What the hell does every now and then mean?

Lady: You know...

Lawyer: No, I don't know.

Lady: Every few months.

Other lawyer: OBJECTION! Prosecutor being a little less of an asshole.

Judge Hottie: Sustained.

Lawyer: Mrs. Smith, why are you wearing a mask?

Lady: Flying AIDS.

Lawyer: If you're wearing a mask to prevent the Flying AIDS, why is your nose sticking out?

Lady: It is not.

Lawyer: SIDEBAR, your honor, to decide whether Lady's nose is covered by mask.

At Sidebar: I'd like a beer, please, and a Gin and Tonic for Her Honor.

Lawyer: Ok, ma'am, we've established that your nose is not covered by your mask.

Lady: YES IT IS.

Lawyer: Your Honor, permission to treat her as a hostile witness.

Judge Hottie: Why?

Lawyer: I've always wanted to say that.

Judge Hottie: Granted.

Lawyer: Did you see the defendant in 2015?

Lady: I don't remember.

Lawyer: You said you used to visit him.

Lady: Yes I did. I just can't remember when.

Lawyer: You never really saw him, did you?

Lady: You're not even human, are you? Yes, I did see him.

Lawyer: GUILTY, Your Honor.

Judge Hottie: Counselor, this is a witness, not the defendant.

Lawyer: Sorry, Your Honor, I got a little carried away.

Lady: You should be carried away.

Lawyer: Didn't your mother ever teach you to speak only when you're spoken to?

Lady: No. 

Lawyer: What did you wear when you hung out with the defendant?

Lady: Uh... what do you mean?

Lawyer: Were you naked?

Lady: No, of course I wore clothes. Your Honor, is she always an asshole or just with me?

Lawyer: What kind of clothes?

Lady: A dress, like I'm wearing now.

Lawyer: Did you wear that dress?

Lady: No.

Lawyer: When did you purchase that dress?

Lady: I dunno... a year ago?

Lawyer: Was it a year ago, or, in fact, a year and a half ago?

Lady: (crying) It could have been a year and a half... I forget.

Lawyer: So you have no idea when you bought the dress.

Lady: You're twisting my words.

Lawyer: Where did you meet the defendant when you met him?

Lady: In his house.

Lawyer: Just in his house?

Lady: No, sometimes on his steps.

Lawyer: Mrs. Smith, it's obvious you never met the defendant.

Lady: What are you going on about?

Lawyer: You can't even tell me where you met him.

Lady: Your Honor, has anybody ever assaulted her in court?

Judge Hottie: Only a few times, but I'd advise against it.

Lawyer: How many trashcans did he have out front?

OBJECTION! How does the number of trashcans impact this trial?

Lawyer: Life and death trial, Your Honor. I'm throwing out whatever I can.

Lawyer: When were you aware of the shooting?

Lady: On tv that day.

Lawyer: Were you not at the high school?

Lady: No, I was in the courtroom next door on a prostitution trial.

Lawyer: So, you're a prostitute?

Lady: No, an expert witness.

Lawyer: Are you sure you're not a prostitute?

Lady: Positive. Unless I have one of those disorders where you wander around and have sex in your sleep.

Lawyer: So you could be a prostitute.

Lady: No, I am not a prostitute.

Lawyer: Ma'am, you just said you could have sexsomnia.

Lady: I don't.

Lawyer: Have you been tested?

Lady: No, I haven't.

Lawyer: So you could have it.

Lady: Your Honor, do you have any .357 rounds?

Judge Hottie: Give her a break... she's on her fifth marriage and it's already on the rocks.

Lawyer: Did he ever talk about shooting up a school?

Lady: No.

Lawyer: What about other places, like a mall, a vegan gathering, or a sex dungeon?

Lady: No.

Lawyer: Did he have guns?

Lady: No.

Lawyer: Clearly he had guns. Didn't you watch the news?

Lady: He didn't point any at me or show them to me, or try to have sex with them.

Lawyer: Did you know his mother?

Lady: Yes.

Lawyer: Why did she look like a man?

Probably the drugs.

Lawyer: Are you a doctor?

Lady: No.

Lawyer: How are you qualified to say it was because of the drugs?

Lady: Just a guess, Sally.

YOUR HONOR - make her stop calling me Sally!

Lawyer: What kind of drugs did his mom do while pregnant with him?

Lady: Pretty much whatever she could get her hands on. Plus anything she could drink.

Lawyer: Did you ever say anything to her?

Lady: I didn't think it was any of my business.

Lawyer: So you, in effect, are guilty of allowing this to happen.

Lady: Do you get crabby when your period hits? Does it last 27 days a month?

Next witness: the defendant's psychiatrist

Lawyer: Did you see the defendant in your capacity as a psychiatrist?

Shrink: Uhhhh....... yes.

Lawyer: How long did you see him.

Shrink: Twice.

Lawyer: That doesn't sound very long.

Shrink: I didn't require very long.

Lawyer: What, in your professional opinion, was he about?

Shrink: Ohhhh.... he was clearly Koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs.

Lawyer: Can you explain that for the man on the street?

Shrink: .... uh....  out of his..... friggin mind.

Lawyer: Can you narrow it down any?

Shrink: Ummm.... he was .... fscking crazy.

Lawyer: What made you think this?

Shrink: $500,000 in schooling.

Lawyer: What else?

Shrink: He tried to put his penis into everything. I was concerned that he didn't notice some of the holes were too small to succeed. He really liked setting the other children on fire, but it was only for attention. His mother would sodomize him. Later on, she'd include the family pets. He was a very smart child. Smart, but incredibly violent.

Lawyer: Anything else?

Shrink: His mother would chain him to her bed.

Lawyer: That's terrible.

Shrink: It was bad. It was terrible when she shared her drugs with him.

Lawyer: Was he damaged?

Shrink: Yes. He damaged my office because he was still chained to the mattress when he came in.

Lawyer: What did you think?

Shrink: Oh, there was no doubt.... he'd be shooting up some large building within a year or so.

Lawyer: Shouldn't you report this to the relevant authorities?

Shrink: I don't get paid that much.

Lawyer: Was he schizophrenic?

Shrink: What's schizophrenic?

Lawyer: Your witness....

In my years, I've discovered that most mental health professionals are crazy. However, the absolute batshit craziest are the psychiatrists. 

It would appear that My Big Fat Fabulous Life hasn't bored its audience (both of them) yet, so it's still on tv. Excited by the attention, several other shows are being rushed to production

• My Arterial Blockage is Bigger than Yours
• My Dangerous Reality Show Addiction
• This is Borderline Personality Disorder
• It's All About Me, I'm a Narcissist
• Psychopaths Make the Best Leaders
• My Really Deep Clinical Depression

We have another new neighbor, bringing the total to two.

Which is good, considering there are only two sides to the houses.

Everybody has a dog now, which is unfortunate, as ours wants to eat anything else on four legs. She doesn't care how big they are - she just goes into Cujo Mode<tm>.

The new guy was carrying some interesting stuff into the place: bondage furniture, high end exterminating equipment, a donkey, several people of short stature, and a few cases of YooHoo. I'm pretty excited: I love YooHoo, and he's single, so there should be a parade of women through the house, on which to use the bondage furniture. I'm going to ask about a live video feed. I feel we'll be good neighbors.

New from our friends on the planet of California: CA to Ban the Sale of New Gasoline Cars

Will also ban electric can openers, Jawbreakers, laundry detergent, and bridges.

California will protect you from everything except California 

 Speaking of the city by the bay, a startup is introducing software that will make any call center employee sound 'White and American.' 

Now all they have to do it make Americans sound like Americans.

Many groups are against the software, saying it will erase the beauty and ethnicity and diversity of the individuals.

Many people who have to call tech support are chasing them around the table with pitchforks and torches.

Walmart can now put your groceries in your garage with a myQ smart garage door opener

Don't have one? You can get one free! Walmart lost to Amazon, which charges you for the device that steals your information. Don't have a garage? Walmart will give you one. Perfect for apartment dwellers. Don't have a fridge in your garage? Walmart will take the keys and come into your house. Walmart will sleep with your little sister and frighten the dog. Don't want Walmart in your house? Tough luck, it's inevitable. Get used to it.

A Texas School District Just Voted To Ban Talking About Trans People

Yes, Texas is in a race to be even sillier than California. They're going to lose.

Also on the No Talking List: armadillos, the French, contraception, the weather,  talking about talking about trans people.

Missouri school district revives paddling to discipline students

If we cross Missouri with Texas, kids will get a beating for even thinking about trans people.

Parents: beat your own damn kids, instead of leaving it for the schools, you lazy bastards.

The president is canceling billions in school loans.

Do ya think he'll cancel my mortgage?

What kind of president just pops out and cancels business' collectibles?

Oh yeah, this one.

Republicans and some moderate Democrats have said debt cancellation will add to inflation by giving Americans more money to spend.

That's why we have taxes! We can't allow Americans to keep their own money!

 Uvalde school shooting: Embattled police chief Pete Arredondo fired

I don't think they're being fair to him. There was only a 77 minute response in dealing with the shooter. Meanwhile the police kept the parking lot totally safe, by standing there for the entire 77 minutes.

 

Japan reverses course on post-Fukushima nuclear ban

"We are committed to clean, safe energy, no matter how much irradiated water we dump into the ocean. We promise safety because we won't tell you when we dump the irradiated water into the ocean."

 

Butt Pains in the Afterlife

 

Your love is like  chewing lemons for lunch

FedEx Support Employee on Twitter: Sorry We Lost Your Dead Body

I hate when that happens. They're so small they tend to get lost. 

P.S. The body escaped three years ago.

Today I identify as  some good looking person, like Brad Pitt.

But It's for the Children

DHS bought “shocking amount” of warrantless phone-tracking data, ACLU says

Once again.... you don't believe me? If they CAN, they WILL. It is not safe to give them an inch. Now let's see what the NSA collects [hint: everything, warrantless].

The Fourth Amendment guarantees the right to be free from unreasonable search and seizure. 

• It took a while to get my work iDevice to ring. Eventually it turned out to be the ringer switch, which I didn't turn off. I continue not to turn it off and it continues to be off. I think we've reached equilibrium: I don't like the phone and it doesn't like me.
• It's getting pretty long in the tooth, meaning there's a replacement on my horizon. I fear no matter how much pleading, begging, doctor's notes, and antibiotics I offer, it's still going to be an iDevice.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar were among those detained near the Supreme Court during an abortion protest.

Not that it's a bad idea for the three to be put away somewhere... but they were blocking a street, and that's not free expression. And I support their cause.

Ode to a Dead Fly in my Lemon Water

Oh fly, why did you drop by 

Out of the sky, when night was nigh

I cut a lemon for my drink

I did not think

You'd be by

I drank

I spat

I ruminated

This is why I drink soda

I think I need a sippy cup.

The astronauts don't have to worry about a fly in their water; why should I?

Of course the astronauts drink and eat through straws and wear adult diapers. There is always the question of whether or not two (or more) of them have had boom boom in space. If you think about the mechanics, it seems really difficult... one thrust and you both go plunging off in opposite directions. If you were trying to get pregnant, this would not be worth the effort. If you could both get in your NASA-approved sleeping bags, it would be much easier to mattress-dance.

You'd have to wear a condom, because, face it, you wouldn't want to be an astronaut, floating along, minding your own business, when you ran smack into Floating Sperm<tm>. That would be pretty gross, unless you're into that sort of thing. And let's face it, you couldn't do this at home. Anal would be VERBOTEN. Imagine mixing up your KY and your mashed peas containers. No straws, please.

Oral would be much easier. In fact, there is a kill switch on the video feed to NASA, in case oral breaks out. So if you're watching the Space Shuttle feed and there's a 30 second break, one of the guys is getting his candle waxed. NASA calls this Interruption Due To Oro-Genital Interface. You can be sure this happened when the video starts back up and at least one astronaut has a faraway look in his or her eyes and is trying to hide a big smile.

UPDATE: 

The following evening's lemon water was free of flies. Unfortunately I can't be 100% sure because I made it in a black cup and couldn't really see inside it. Sometimes I seriously outsmart myself.

I was too happy yesterday, so I watched some of the trial in the Parkland shooting. I saw testimony from two of the victims. One thing that occurred to me, aside from the sheer terror of being in a classroom when this happened, is that the school system has to try harder: their grammar was atrocious. "I done this", "I left out", all sentences start with "So", the word "essentially" repeated in the same sentence. It was not a strong endorsement for public education. At least the kids weren't in their English class when the shooting started.

Maybe the shooter was from a more militant wing of the Grammar Police.

Unwanted Lifeforms, Spock  

As I've written, the neighborhood is alive with things we'd rather not have in our houses. When they hit, the ants are horrible and multitudinous. There were the mice, but that's not common. Now it's the flies. These fsckers are huge... they must be genetic defects, let out of the farm, probably in China. They frighten the dog, even though they're only half her size. Using Science, we set off to figure out how they were getting in. We checked windows, doors, amplifiers, and roofs; everything was sealed up tight. Perhaps, like aliens, they can walk (or fly) through walls. I'm going to go ahead and discount this theory, as good as it sounds. Maybe they have tiny bolt cutters and make tiny cuts in the window screens, then wave all their fly friends in (like illegal flying aliens). Perhaps they line up, in groups of 50, waiting for one of us to open a door, then CHARGE in. Someone got out the insect spray and let loose near a window. It was a complete massacre. Bodies all over the place. The 11:00 Fly News will report a shooting of immense proportions, and demand a ban on insecticide. 

Sometimes you can use substances to not kill them, but deter them. Mice don't like orange and a few other things. We're going to try lemons, Diet Pepsi, napalm, hot peppers, and M80s. We have to use these only at the front of the house, as Mrs. lefty smokes at the back of the house, and we feel the resultant BOOM would be inconvenient (unless the Jehovahs come by). 

I'm sitting there, in my favorite chair, minding my own business, with my favorite laptop, when the bombing starts. WHIZZZZZZZ BUZZZZZZ WHZZZZZZ It's the flies, Batman - get out the Bat-Swatter! My laptop and the lamp next to it are very bright, making us a prime flying spot. Since Wife massacred them, I will look forward to a quiet night tonight (unless the president lets the Mexican flies in).

We have a tennis racket, you know. It's an electric one. You push the button and swat at things that are flying around. If you get one, it goes BZZZZ also, but it's a more satisfying BZZZZ because you're killing the flying bastards. In effect it's a Racket Zapper, like your bug zapper from outside [think Prince's 'When Doves Cry' - This is what it sounds like... when bugs fry   BZZZZ  BZZZZ].

So while we're watching the Parkland shooting trial, no one's mourning the Great Fly Massacre of 2022. And we still don't know how they're getting in.

HOLD ON a minute.... a British company called Faradair is working on a 19 seat electric plane. I'm wondering to myself how are they going to get 19 people plus the batteries to fly the plane into the air?  They're not. There is a small gas turbine to provide the electricity. By that definition our cars are electric too.

"[insert name] would want you to go on and be happy. Find a new mate."

After you die, would you truly want your significant other to go on and find a new mate? People frequently assign wants to the dead. As I've never been dead (at least I think I've never been dead), I don't know if it matters. (No, I'd want you to be in mourning for the rest of your life)     How about you? 

And if you have been dead, let us know. Did you go to the light? See departed relatives? Jimi Hendrix? I'd like to see some departed, but am in no hurry to be dead. Wife may have other ideas...

Speaking of the dead..... 

For some reason I don't want to contemplate, sitting next to me is Death, complete with robe and all the trimmings. 

To what do we owe the pleasure?

I'm on the 2022 Reputation Tour

What do you hope to accomplish?

To get people to realize I'm not a bad... umm... person. 

What are some of the issues?

Well, people are terrified of me, mainly. They won't even shake my hand. Nobody will say as much as "Good morning" to me. No one is ever happy to see me, and I never get any chicks.

Oh, you're male?

Does my voice sound hormone-influenced?

Point taken. How did you get this gig?

God called a staff meeting and I overslept. Last one in gets the really horrible jobs.

But aren't you an angel?

That word doesn't mean what you think it means.

What sorts of things can you do?

Duh.

Oh. How does the process work?

A lot of people think I write their name in the Book of the No Longer Living. This is not accurate. They only get there after the fact, so I can keep track and my boss knows I haven't been slacking. Beware of the word 'metrics'. God discovered it and that's all I've heard for 10,003 years. He thinks He's a corporate genius.

Have there been any accurate descriptions of you?

Yeah, Family Guy. I'm not on anymore because Norm McDonald came to join me. His voice was pretty accurate. Anyway, I pretty much show up, the subject gets terrified, I touch them and tell them to come with me, and it's all over but the burying.

What if the subject doesn't follow you?

They all do. Eventually.

Grim.

You're telling me.

At the risk of sounding like a psychologist, how does it make you feel?

Horrible. It's unbelievably depressing. In 10,003 years, there have only been a few people happy to see me: the nutballs who castrated themselves and thought they were going to Haley's Comet. The goths. Hitler. And mostly the religious. They seem to think they're going to a greater reward. It's not pretty when they discover reality.

How do you keep yourself sane?

Who diagnosed me sane? I tried antidepressants but all they did was make my junk stop working, not that I get much chance to use it. Death Groupies are few and far between. And weird. I tried exercise, but found out that in the living, it causes cancer. It doesn't do anything for the dead except piss them off. Just like the living, I guess... heh heh. I get a real boost from snow; most heart attacks are caused by shoveling.

What about pets?

I used to have a dog, but he died.

I meant do you visit them in your official capacity?

No, that would be too sad, even for me.

Any hobbies? Recreation?

I play guitar. You think Keith Richards has all that death imagery for no reason? He's my special project - he's been dead for 35 years and doesn't know it. I like junk food, and always wash it down with Yoo Hoo. 

How about Ozzy?

Ozzy is a special case. He's halfway between the living and the dead, but he's so drug-addled, he has no concept of it. And no rhythm.

Death metal?

Contrary to popular belief, I have nothing at all to do with that genre. You may be shocked to find out they're mostly churchgoing guys, who don't drink or do drugs. They're really no fun, as a group.

Hollywood?

They're actually my best recruiting agents. After listening to them and seeing them, most people are inclined toward death.

Is there a retirement or way out in your future?

Well, I could get demoted to Congress, but nobody wants to go there. I have no retirement plan, but if God calls another meeting and I'm not last in, someone else might be called to take over for me. I hope it's one of those goody two shoes angels - they're pathetic with their sycophantic behavior. God sees right through them. 

Well, Death, you seem like a good dude; just misunderstood. You're welcome to stop by whenever you want... err.... unofficially.

Doing Laundry with Covid

 

Your love is like  battery acid that leaked all over your device

STOP THE PRESSES

New emoji for iOS and Android include a high five and shaking face

We are a nation of morons. Make that a world of morons.

There is a group that approves and releases these. If we hadn't already achieved world peace, I'd be upset.

Today I identify as  Hennifer Lopez

No, the Flying AIDS is not doing laundry, but a dear reader who has it is. The reader suggested the title. Other rejected titles include:

• Gazing longingly at covid
• Dancing with covid
• Going to a cheap motel with covid

Ford recalls more than 100,000 Mavericks, Escapes, and Corsairs over fire risk

Engine failure could cause an under-hood fire.

Tesla is jealous - none of its cars has exploded in months.

Ford says the problem can be mitigated by not starting the car. 

If we go by the ads, the only things for sale in America are iEarphones, bigass headphones, and video games. Once again I feel left out and across the street from the crowd. Maybe in the next county over from the crowd. I remember getting excited looking at sale ads. Guess I'll stick with LL Bean (a complete lie).

• Recently in London, a large group of people chased a car that was transporting Niki Manaj. When asked how long they had been fans, they said, "Fans? No, we were chasing her AWAY."

Nancy Pelosi’s Husband Buys Millions In Chip Stocks Right Before Vote On Massive Chip Subsidy

• What are the odds.....

At least 3 dead after shooting at Indianapolis-area mall
A lawfully armed "good Samaritan" shot and killed the suspect, the mayor said.

Gun control gun control gun control.... oops 

Biden begins fisticuffs with Saudi Arabian prince

For their part, the Saudis were glad Biden changed his alleged mind and visited them.  They said, "Yeah, we lopped off that journalist's head, but we're your friends."

You'll be SHOCKED, but the government's $3 billion fund to give out money to replace devices with Chinese parts has run out. Empty. No more. Now telephone companies will have to actually spend their own money to replace the devices. Bail out the businesses! It's only imaginary money! Never mind that debt. Hey, how about those new emojis?

Meta, formerly Faceyspaces, released an apology today

We are sorry for the following headline:

Meta asks line managers to identify poorly performing staff for firing

What we meant to say was:

Meta asks line managers to identify poorly performing staff for promotion

Lord Zuck went on to say, "With only 72,000 employees, we felt we weren't getting the incompetence needed to run this whorehouse. We have instituted self-improvement programs so our employees can live up to their fullest incompetence potential."

Hey, kids, it's time to PANIC!

No, it's not going to snow. There are no elections.

It's the Monkeypox! Yes there are 1,470 cases in the US, according to the CDC, and we're short on vaccines (buy Pharma stock NOW). According to the WHO, there are 14 cases and it's nothing to worry about. According to Lord Fauci, we need to start closing businesses that haven't gone out of business during the last closures. According to Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey, WHO is trademarked and they are going to sue, vowing not to be fooled again.

Why is there dirt under my fingernails?

I'd understand if I were tuning up the car, playing in the dirt, or doing self-exams, but I don't do anything. If I'm sitting in my office, I notice dirt under there. If I clean it, it comes back within hours. Does it pick up dirt from the atmosphere? Has my keyboard been soaked in silt? Is my emotional support elephant tracking mud into the office? If I had OCD, this would be a nightmare.

Maybe it's the aliens. They abduct me and I'm completely unaware of it. The only remainder is dirt under my fingernails (and a sore anus).

I've never really seen an alien, that I know of. If they shape-shift, it's all out the window. They say the Queen is a reptilian. It's not that she's old, but she might be the original snake. Bush too. Unfortunately he's the Special Snake. He has a lot of gold stars from when he went to school and did good. Kissinger and Cheney are komodo dragons - one bite has enough pathogens to wipe out a football team (or  a few towers). The gray aliens are reported between three and five feet tall, which makes it difficult to get uniforms. There are no basketball teams where the grays come from. 

When the grays abduct you, you are given a memory block, so you won't be traumatized. Unlike the men and women we send into combat. Many abductions are recalled under hypnosis, the most famous being Betty and Barney Hill. Barney worked for the Postal Service, before they started shooting each other. Betty worked on her very silly northeastern US accent. It wasn't quite Kennedy, but it was on its way. Way before Monica's dress, there was Betty's dress, with Eau d'Alien. Later on, some abductees were discovered to have things inside them. Some were removed and found to be not made like stuff on Earth. Others had entire tractors pulled from their ears. They were not discovered to be Space Tractors, but if you think about it, how would we know what Space Tractors would look like? Trump was silent when he was asked if Space Force used Space Tractors. Some implants moved when surgeons tried to remove them. It looked like a cartoon, with the good guys (doctors) chasing the bad guys (implants) through hallways with ten doors. They'd go into one door and come out another door that wasn't next to the first one. These implants were used as location trackers, just like cell phones. Unfortunately they didn't all work because Bob the Alien forgot to raise the antennas. The leading researcher died suddenly, of a 'heart attack.' Did they look for grays? No.

Another popular alien class is the Nordics. They're tall and blonde, as you'd expect. They're otherwise known as Models. Just when you thought the dumbest people on the planet modeled clothes, you find out they're aliens. Don't worry too hard - they're still vapid. No, the Kardashians are NOT Nordics (or models). They're simply vapid.

Sometimes, when Bob the alien did the memory block, memories start coming back to the person. It's like childhood trauma memories, but more fun. No matter how many alien missions there are, there's always a Bob. They have to take him along, under the Woke Alien Act. He's not sick, he's special. And we all celebrate the special. There are also blue aliens, that look just like the gray aliens. After 14537 years of war, the blues were officially declared equal to the grays. Now there must be more blue aliens on the ship than grays, because of Alien Diversity Officers. While some grays don't like blues, they must take special training so they don't offend the blues and feel appropriately guilty.

There are also what is described at Grasshopper aliens. These are essentially seven foot tall grasshoppers (or cockroaches, depending on the time of day). This is where Earth drew the line and said "Nuh-uh, no sir, we are NOT dealing with seven foot tall cockroaches, no thank you." Earth put in a complaint with the Alien Invasion Council and as a result, the grasshoppers are not allowed on the planet. And Earth had a point. It is only a matter of time until our own cockroaches reach seven feet.

You would be surprised at some earthlings found to be aliens

• Keith Richards - how else could you explain his extended life?
• Richard Nixon - you probably knew this
• JFK and RFK - that accent doesn't exist anywhere in MA
• Georgio Tsoukalos - alien hair
• Andy Dick - was there ever any doubt?

Which probably explains the dirt under my fingernails.

NOTICE: As of this day, we will not click on, view, walk by, or notice out of the corner of our eye, anything described as 'hawt'.  That is all.

A Russian tennis player just came out as gay.

In a vacuum, this sounds silly. She's the same as you or me, only she prefers the same sex. Why is this news? Ok there's the encouragement of closeted gays, but do we need to know what she does in her own bedroom? I don't. I wouldn't care if she was heterosexual either. We need to get over this.

I watched a little of the Parkland shooter's sentencing trial.

I used to be a proponent of the death penalty, then spent some time thinking about it. In the end, I prefer a life sentence because I don't think the State has a right to take a life. Plus a life sentence is hell... he will suffer til the end of his days. We're short of knowledge on what happens if he were to be put to death.

I also desperately want to know why. He doesn't look cuckoo, like the other famous shooters. There's no way to look at him and tell if he's programmed - only a good psychologist can tell (think Sirhan Sirhan). Is he so damaged that human life means nothing to him?

I got good at missin' her, I practice all the time

-ZZ Top  Pan Am Highway Blues