Go Ahead- Smoke Near the Gasoline-See What Happens -or- Forced Vacation, Day 1

 Yes, like last year, I have a bunch of vacation days that I have to use or lose. Since they won't pay me for them, I figure I'd use them. Since I don't pay attention well, I was off the month of December last year. This year I paid attention, so I'm only off half the month of December. 

Why is it a forced vacation? Because I don't do well without structure (not defined as a wife screaming at me). So while I'm off, my job becomes finding things to do. Anybody with a functional set of eyes could look around the house and find a lifetime of things to do, especially in the living room. Depending on your decorating tastes, the 74 Camaro sitting nose-down may or may not be a keeper. If nothing else, it's really tall, and brings to mind the monolith from 2001 - A Space Odyssey. So the artsy-fartsy among us could consider it an homage to Stanley Kubrick. Or just an absolute original in the Department of the Abstract. 

Incidentally, due to the laws of physics, you too can have a monolith in your home. Anything even mildly out of place, like a welding rig or Camaro, left there for more than 3 days, starts to become invisible. You walk past it and it doesn't register. Eventually you catch it out of the corner of your eye and realize it looks pretty good there and you'd miss it if it 'had to go.' This all started with my friend's beautiful sitting room. One day I noticed a large red air compressor on wheels. The following week it was still there. I told my friend that it was a spectacular decoration and she should definitely keep it there. She didn't know what I meant because the laws of physics had rendered it part of the room. So I had to go out and get my own air compressor, in red. The only problem was my house lacking a sitting room. I was flummoxed and I was beat, because I do not have the skill set to add a sitting room (or turn the bathroom into one). I can wield a hammer by the correct end damn near 84% of the time. Same with screwdrivers. I hit 100% with my soldering iron, for obvious reasons.  I guess I could buy a pre-fab shed-like thing, but couldn't attach it to the house, plus it would lack light. So the red air compressor sits unused in the bedroom. Almost unused, but I won't expand that.

So on my first day of Forced Vacation, I was awakened precisely at almost 11am (12:37 New Jersey time). Wife, who was getting into bed (don't ask), informed me it was snowing. This is a dangerous trio: awakened, gloom, and snow. The stupid weather doesn't even have the decency to have sunshine with our snow. I think somebody roofied Mother Nature. 

Apparently the mailman snuck up on me and delivered my NEW MEMORY! The laptop's new memory, but it would be great to order my own, right? Then the strangest thing happened: I installed the memory, the laptop recognized it, and everything ran ok. I had to wake Wife to have her explain it to me. She told me "Essentially, it failed to fail." It may take a few days for this to sink in. Anyway, now I can open up 12 programs at the same time, without everything stopping due to no memory. The irony here is that I don't have 12 programs I use, and after 3 programs, the tiny 13" display won't show them anyway. So things run faster and it makes downloading my hamster pr0n a breeze. The memory only took 4 days to arrive, from just under 10 miles away.

But even I know that vacation (even forced vacation) should include more than installing RAM and downloading hamster pr0n. Let's see.... there's..... ummm... and then.... but.... I know - breakfast! Sugar Frosted Chocolate Sugar Bits await me. Oh. No they don't. The store didn't have any. Supply Chain Issues, you know. It's pretty sad when a supermarket doesn't have the most popular breakfast cereal in the world. I think they may have to be reclassified from a supermarket to a market if this keeps up. There's nothing super about it. It now costs more for lunchmeat than to fill your car. Perhaps because it's so expensive, I notice a lot of 'help' when making a sandwich lately. The dog has laser-focus upon the lunchmeat. She's helping me, in case it tries to attack me by falling to the floor. She will throw her body between the lunchmeat and me, then eat it so it's disarmed. I'm thankful for dogs, especially this one. She has a t-shirt that says COCKERS FOR COLD CUTS. She's a lot smarter than I thought. So after being awakened at 11, it's time for breakfast at 3.

And after breakfast, there's napping! And after napping, there's napping. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm woefully behind on my napping. There are some days I get barely 3 naps.. can you imagine?  It has been brought to my attention that people do stuff and go places on vacation. Really? It's a pretty good bet the dog doesn't do rollercoasters, so that's out. The only guitar store I really want to visit is the Southpaw Shop, all the way at the bottom of the country, in Houston. So it's a pretty nasty drive. Plus if I see an entire shop of lefties, I may not want to come back, and they probably won't let me live there. So I'm a bit limited on places to go. Wife doesn't have this problem: there are shoe stores everywhere. Plus she lost weight and now nothing fits her anymore. WARDROBE SHOPPING! Vacationing looks too expensive. I think I'll spend my time becoming a zen-like one with the couch. Oh, wait... that's what I'm NOT supposed to do. I'll report in as I figure it out.

The Biden administration refused to obey the law and withheld a percentage of the JFK records, which were supposed to be 100% released already.  #Impeach

On another day of forced vacation, I awoke (at noon) to some strange light in the sky. It took me a while to figure what it was. The neighbors all pulled their kids inside and rolled down the shades. If I listened closely, I could hear murmuring, chanting, praying, and of course, the neighbor's continuing construction. I thought the construction guys had a clause that said they couldn't work if the sun came out, but I never really saw the contract.  I know they only speak Spanish because they kept telling the dog to shut up in Spanish and I informed them she didn't speak Spanish, so they gave up.

Although I could see light in the sky, I could also see clouds. Lots of them. They were hanging back, getting their strategy ready to begin their assault. Even though we are allowed 1 or 2 days of sun per week, the clouds are not happy about it and are never far away, just in case. PA has what scientists call Shoe Weather. Whenever it's sunny, people get nervous, waiting for the other Shoe to drop. I heard one parent talking to her frantic children, telling them "It's ok, kids.... it will be gray and rainy tomorrow, just like every other day."

Last year England called and wanted its weather back. This year they called to say they're thankful their weather isn't as bad as ours, and if it's all the same to us, they'd rather we keep ours, please. So a spot of tea and Bob's uncle is the bees' nipple.

Google is introducing end to end encryption to Gmail.

Now only Google will have access to your email.

Further in the Great Laptop Debacle 2022, my laptop has been received by the manufacturer and is being looked at by their technicians. Impressive  - it only took a week and a half to arrive there. Probably because I didn't want to lose a mortgage payment to the shipper. I can imagine them looking at it.... picture a line of technicians. Shipping hands the laptop to the first technician, who shakes his head, says tsk tsk, then hands it to the 2nd technician. This goes on the larger part of the first day.  Not that I blame them. Aside from the crappy plastic hinge that broke, I mean. Every Monday morning, I wipe the laptop down, using a hideous green brush on the keys. When I took the laptop out of my somewhat dim office (caused by its somewhat dim owner), the thing looked filthy. "But I have a hideous green brush," I thought to myself, as I handed it over to be shipped.

NOTE: do NOT use anything but a soft cloth and a little soap to clean monitors, laptop or external. Anything with alcohol in it will dry out the plastic. No special green cleaners or anything else. Don't apply too much pressure or you too will have to send it back to the manufacturer.

So now it's only 2-3 weeks before my sainted laptop makes its way from Bumfuct North Dakota to my house. Naturally this depends on whether they can fix it and how much it will cost. But mostly if I can afford return shipping. If I were smart, which I am obviously not, I would have purchased another laptop in the meantime, to act as a backup. So I'm still pounding away on the 13" old laptop, only running 32 bit software. On the bright side,  it hasn't ever failed me, and it runs much better with 8g RAM, as opposed to 2g. 

While I'm meandering from subject to subject,  I wanted to talk about updating your laptop. If you don't have a laptop, pretend you do and play along nicely with everybody else. In the case of my ancient laptop, there were a few obvious upgrades. Of course you have to decide if this is financially viable, but let's continue. Since I only had 2g RAM and the meter was constantly pegged, I needed RAM, desperately (like television  needs to lose its reality shows). It cost me the staggering amount of $23 to go from 2 to 8g. There is no arguing that upgrade. This also goes for home machines. More RAM never hurts, especially with very popular operating systems starting with W.

I can't do anything about the CPU or the 32 bit operating system. A traditional bottleneck in laptops is the hard drive. Many laptops have tiny hard  drives with poor specifications, like a 5400 rpm drive. These are extremely slow. Yes, you can upgrade to a larger, faster (7200 rpm?) drive, but don't. The answer is to upgrade to a solid state drive (SSD). The performance is so much better, it will floor you. Same for your desktop. It will feel like a new machine. None of these suggestions is very expensive. I've seen SSDs for well under $100. Shop carefully.

The greatest and cheapest upgrade comes when you don't hold the pursestrings: I wanna new laptop. This one's slow.

And just out of fscking spite, the keyboard on the old machine seems to be developing a finicky space bar. Sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes I get 2 spaces. Sometimes they really are out to get you.

Why is there a gaming mouse pad? We all know that a regular mouse is $19.95, but you call it a gaming mouse and it's $79.95. But a gaming mouse pad? Does it dispense Monster overcaffeinated drinks? Does it tell Mom to SHUT UP, I'M GAMING IN HERE? Assist in other antisocial activities? When was the last time you used a mouse anyway?

While we're at it, a laptop cooler was suggested for my laptop woes. These are rectangular jobbies with a lot of fans in them. You put the laptop on them and it keeps the laptop cool. I was just about to buy one when I decided to look into the comments. Sure enough, you are supposed to put the laptop on the cooler, but on a surface. This kinda defeats the purpose of the laptop.. you know.... being on your lap. On the other hand, all those fans whizzing probably make an interesting device to have in your lap. Think about it.....

Another Great Reason to Get a Ring 

On November 8, for instance, local police in West Covina, California, received an emergency call purporting to come from a minor child reporting that her parents had been drinking and shooting guns inside the minor’s home. When police arrived at the residence, Nelson allegedly accessed the residence’s Ring doorbell and used it to verbally threaten and taunt the responding officers. The indictment alleges the men helped carry out 11 similar swatting incidents during the same week, occurring in Flat Rock, Michigan; Redding, California; Billings, Montana; Decatur, Georgia; Chesapeake, Virginia; Rosenberg, Texas; Oxnard, California; Darien, Illinois; Huntsville, Alabama; North Port, Florida; and Katy, Texas.

Musk's alleged stalker identified; no evidence of ElonJet tracking, report says

Last Wednesday, Elon Musk seemed absolutely convinced that an alleged “crazy stalker” used a Twitter account tracking his private jet to accurately pinpoint the Twitter CEO’s live location at a gas station outside the Los Angeles International Airport

at a GAS STATION??

Musk polls Twitter users on whether he should be CEO - 57.7% want him to quit.

This single act proves Musk doesn't get Twitter.  Say you asked Twitter who Jesus was. The top 2 answers would be 'serial killer' and 'racist'.  So either he doesn't get Twitter or he's a megalomaniac.

Oh.

Long genital spines on male wasps can save their lives

And you thought it was hard to get a date now? 

(You're a) HO HO HO

Yes, it's Xmas 2022. Things are different this year, as we learned at the mall the other day. Rather than staying open ridiculously late, stores are making up their own hours. By the time we were done at the department store, I was dragging Mrs. lefty into the mall, so maybe I could see something interesting. Typical of things lately, we were surprised to find a mall with most of the lights off. At 6pm on a Sunday, right before Christmas.

This particular department store is a very nice one, with friendly employees and stuff other stores don't carry. This was discovered to be another difference in 2022. Most of the employees one could find were nice, but therein lay the problem. We went by 3 sales desks and there were no cashiers. Did the corporate bean counters want to save money by not scheduling employees? Hint: if you don't put people on registers, no one can ring up sales, and it will be a coal-shaped Christmas for you, beanies.  So we eventually track down a cashier with only a few people in line. No, wait, they were employees. Great - we're up! Err... no, we're not. It looked like the purchasing employee was purchasing 1,437 individual gift cards, then teaching the newbie employee how to ring them up. And we stood there, foolishly thinking our turn at bat would come. It didn't. Nor were we acknowledged. Both of us are fairly easy to spot in line, or from a helicopter. But nothing. Not so much as a hello, be right with you.

Employee #3 went back to his station, leaving the 2 on the Ignore Desk to do their thing, whatever that was. #3 left with a spring in his step, a hee-hee worthy of Michael Jackson, and a mustache. So I was not entirely certain I had the correct pronouns. Since the Ignoring continued, we discovered another cashier, halfway across the store and fled. I'm sure they never noticed us leave. I was thinking of a small stink or smoke bomb, which I always have  with me, but Wife warned me just as I was about to pull the pin on the grenade (dammit). So where do we wind up but at the counter where the Pronoun Person works. I thought it was nice of the store to hire... different... people. I had no trouble with whatever he wanted to do or be (provided it didn't involve reality tv), but I just needed to figure things out. 2 xmas ball earrings, a uniform pullover in the shape of a dress, a high, giggly, underage voice, and a mustache. And a tremendous cashier, most importantly. But.... he kinda looked like someone just told him about gender, and he wanted to try them out, at the same time.  Wife was having a blast comparing earrings. I was just thankful we were getting out of there, because I was tired and he was a great cashier.  As is my norm, I wanted a malt. But of course the shop was closed, with the rest of the mall.

I finally figured it out: next time we go through the mall first, THEN she goes to the department store. I'm a little slow, I'm not good looking, sometimes I smell a bit, but I'm entertaining to hang around.

Hey - is anybody investigating where the Flying AIDS came from?

Just askin' 

Dog Toy Zombies

 Your love is like  serial earaches

• You're not gonna beat this headline this month: Man tosses his penis out of car window during car chase with police
• naked and covered in blood - voices on radio told him to do it
• notice the voices never tell you to clean your room or pull over for the police? 

second best: The unit of measure for fatbergs is not hippopotami, even if the operator of an Australian sewer says so

Today in Olympic News:  after the Taliban took over, all Afghanistan women's teams became Nigerian women's teams.

Today I identify as  Jeff Bezos

Japan finds black particles in Moderna vaccine

• Amazon’s new ‘adaptive volume’ will make Alexa speak louder when it’s noisy
• now asks you to repeat anything it couldn't hear, especially about activities and purchases

Tesla must tell NHTSA how Autopilot sees emergency vehicles

"as big friggin' targets" 

Amazon offers punctual staff £50 (123 grams) for turning up

• $34 for performing their job
• $25 for not sexually assaulting coworkers
• $55 for not sexually assaulting themselves

McDonald’s hiring 14-year-olds in Oregon amid labor shortage

stuff is getting weird 

But everything will even out shortly, when unemployment runs out. People will actually have to get jobs.

Tokyo 2020: Anger after Paralympian is stripped of gold medal for being 3 minutes late

• another stripped of silver because belt not fastened to correct hole
• another gold stripped because shoes on backwards
• $100 fine for attempting to take a knee

Russia wants us to know the International Space Station is in 'pretty shitty shape' and could suffer "irreparable" failures due to outdated equipment and hardware. 

Russia wants to emphasize this has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the 'superficial' cracks discovered in their portion of the station. Regardless, Russian astronauts have been advised not to open the windows or run the vacuum cleaner. Astronauts have done spacewalks to apply that leak-proof tape that can build a boat, but the leaks continue. 

Last month, the Russian section fired its jet thrusters without warning, destabilizing the ISS. Russia said it was a very nice space station and it would be a shame if something were to happen to it. He said the US could avoid anything else happening to it by sending 100 million rubles to the Kremlin right now, then every Friday thereafter.

Problems with the ISS arose when no one could find the architects or engineers for the program. The American captain said all the docs were lost, trashed, then burned by mistake, along with the UFO documents. The Russian colonel said the Kremlin told him there was never a Russian component to the ISS. 

Russia is in favor of building a new, modern space station, with cable tv and ice cream. International analysts say when the current space station falls out of orbit and plummets to the ground, it will effectively bomb Peoria, Illinois, which is exactly what Russia wants. 

• got a Faceyspaces account? (everyone but me does) Here's how to lock it down.
• Faceyspaces also withheld its Q1 transparency report - pretty damn transparent 

Google says geofence warrants make up one-quarter of all US demands

Crime committed? Let's get a list of everybody in the area at the time. Nothing overbroad or unconstitutional about that....

• Anger, frustration at FDA over Biden’s booster plan; two top regulators resign

Everybody loves the brilliant quotes from famous people like Franklin, Shaw, and Twain. What will you leave for posterity?

• If you put a keyboard or windshield in front of a person, you get Instant Asshole
• I'll let you know when I'm awake
• No, I don't know where your glasses are
• How much is that in guitars?
• Would it help if I gave you a breast massage?

As a result of Ida, or even Hurricane Ida, it got wet here.

No, really.

We have a pool. It's not much of a pool. It's more familiar to you as a B-A-S-E-M-E-N-T.

It's always been a pool. Sometimes it has more water than others.

Sometimes it's a trickle. When Ida left, we couldn't exactly float, but at least we got our ankles wet.

Way in the distant past, we were on vacation. As we got on the plane to come home, a relative let us know we had an 18" kiddie pool. They waited to tell us so vacation wasn't spoiled. So it was only spoiled on the plane home. With a psychotic flyer who kept trying to roll the plane's windows down and a too-tired spouse, who can't swim.

We've spent a long time on the pool, so it's never filled.

Except during fscking Ida.

Ida was unprecedented... we had a pool even before she was fully in the neighborhood. It was like a time warp. We kept looking for Dr. Who or Stewie Griffin.

The two of us have different strategies for dealing with flooding. She monitors every 20 minutes. 

I play Sergeant Schultz: "I know NOTHing."

Only one strategy is particularly effective. Take a guess....

These strategies continue after storms leave.

Two days out, one of us is still monitoring at frequent intervals. The other still knows NOTHing.

Eventually the one who knows NOTHing will jump into the pool with his vintage Sears wet-vac and empty the pool. Ever jump into a cold, dirty pool? Even really kinky people don't do this.. there's no 'philia' in the books for it. Then there continues to be no pool, until the next major storm.

We tried putting our stuff on wooden pallets. That works until the pool has over 4" of water in it. Then we had to raise the artificial floor. While it worked, the basement is effectively four feet tall.

So until "checking every 20 minutes" gets loud near "I know NOTHing," there will be no vacuuming.

But we did manage to go to the mall. 

She was really surprised that I made the request.

I needed 2 things from 1 store, so it only took a few hours.

Apparently those shirts that don't come to the waist are back, and with them, fat women, with their stomachs hanging out from under them. I'm not policing anybody's weight - I just don't want to see your gut in its full glory, especially if you're an employee, especially if it's a food place. Whoever told you that was 'hot' either has a sick fetish, or loses a bet if he says the word 'fat'.

There was a sign on the mall door that said to follow CDC guidelines. 

From which day?

Before we got to spend a few hours at the mall, we had to get out of the house.

This is a very complex, involved process, that can take up to a week.

As I have a hair trigger, this is absolutely the last thing I should be involved in.

But wishing to stay married, I must give it my best. The doctors say this will help me to practice patience. I counter that in order to practice it, I'd have to have some in the first place. At this point the doctors pretend to have something better to do and leave the office.

Let's take the groceries out of the car so we can go to the mall.

Ok. 

[groceries in]

I'll wait on the couch. 

I'll be right there.

[and I'll win the lottery]

looks at groceries

out back for a ciggie

looks at groceries

We were going to the mall, right?

I'll be right there.

I'm still waiting on the couch.

I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right there.

messes with groceries

out back for a ciggie

[not getting off couch because this opera ain't done by far]

decision on pocketbook

stand in front of tv

Are you going to turn the tv off?

No, I leave it on for the dog

Isn't that animal cruelty?

looking for keys

Is it safe to get up now?

Yes, I said we're leaving.

[thinks about it... looks around... gets up]

Wait - have you seen my phone?

Dammit..you got me again.

This is why I order stuff online. 

I may just pull one of my arms off.

[parking at the mall - trying to get out of the car]

I don't have a mask in this pocketbook. 

You're kidding me, right?

You were pressuring me to get out of the house and I forgot it.

This is why mall stores close.

• not sure anybody will be able to tell me why there's a bottle of brake fluid on the stove
• it's best to let little things like this go.. the headaches are immense

They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Except where I am concerned.

My mother is a clean woman. Even with her mind slipping, she's clean.

We discussed this the other day. I asked why her other children got the Clean Gene and not me.

Decorating too. She can move into an apartment and it will look perfect the next day.

Did I have an accident and lose these abilities? Does this explain the mower?

I'd like to have the Clean Gene. And the decorating ability. Anyone entering my house would appreciate that. Before, but especially after something really large and weighty falls on them. 

It's strangely self-fulfilling... I can't clean that well, so nobody wants to come over. Since they don't come over, I don't have to clean.

I guess I should have known something was up when I was little. The house was spotless, except for any room I was in charge of. For some reason, my bedroom looked worse after I cleaned it. Mom was afraid to let family near some of the rooms. This didn't help because I didn't like most of my family, so keeping them away was a boon. Have you ever been in an avalanche of dust? Been hit by flying amplifiers? Become intimately aware of 120 volts? Let's see... I'm viciously sarcastic, unpleasant even when sleeping, not particular good looking... I guess the only reason they kept me was fear of child abuse authorities. I don't want to clean things with a toothbrush or I can't sleep. I'll settle for cleaning every now and then. Some people tell me I just don't see dirt. Hell of a theory.

I have some gorgeous furniture... if you can find it.

Naturally, the furniture was handed down. I sure as hell don't have any taste.

The dining room set is older than me by quite a few years. We did more damage to it moving in than the entire time it had been used before us.

We have another 'interesting' piece, I call the Leviathan.  It's an unbelievably huge piece of furniture that takes up quite a lot of one wall, and threatens to take the rest of the wall when we're not looking. I'm horrible with furniture names - I can't tell a valance from an [eh-tah-JAY]. It's got shelves, cabinets, and an expanding(!) spot for a tv. You just get 16 of your best friends, 8 at each end, and PULL until the spot is wide enough for the tv. This is the part where it threatens to take over the entire wall. It was always just the right width for the tv, but suddenly we notice there's a lot more space for the tv. Maybe it's campaigning for a larger tv set. I just want to avoid angering it - it weighs more than the car.

We even have really nice stuff to display on furniture, should we ever find it.

Since we've only been married for many many years, we haven't exactly gotten in sync with our design ethos. I discovered Less is More. She swears that More is More. So if there's a shelf with 3 Monty Python toys, it's my shelf. If there's a shelf with 3 Eeyore toys, it turns into a shelf with 47 Eeyore toys, and it's hers. This is my ode to decorating. You won't see it because it's hidden behind Eeyores. Sometimes odd bits of furniture appear, usually in front of other furniture, and way too large for me to move. We know the tv was there yesterday, in the Leviathan, but we can't see it today because a full length bureau materialized in front of it (next to the Peterbilt truck, by the water fountain).

The last time Mom came by to help, her only suggestion for decorating was explosives.

If it's anyone's job to be unhelpful, it's mine.

My observation is that there's a bit of clutter. The solution is to eliminate all horizontal surfaces. Since everything's sitting on horizontal surfaces, this would help immeasurably. Since all furniture is horizontal, it would go. We could keep the couch. With all furniture gone, things will be less cluttered, unless one of us discovers the floor.

And that's the extent of our designing capabilities.

• the CDC has found the Flying AIDS vaccine effective in the dead - they never get the virus.

Montgomery County, PA, has decided masks are needed outside. And inside. 

All residents will be checked before bed, to see if they're wearing masks.

If there are any mountains in the county, climbers require masks, even when distancing by 5,000 feet.

If climbers require oxygen, the mask must be worn inside the oxygen mask.

Anybody experiencing a heart attack will be required to wear a mask, even while receiving CPR.

CPR will be performed from the safe distance of six feet

If you require electroshock therapy, the electrical probes require masks.

Any babies born will require masks before coming out of the canal.

The church that came up out of the ashes of the adult video store has gone bust.

Bust. heh heh.

All things considered, I preferred the adult video store.

How does a church go under? That Reverend Koresh seemed like a really nice guy.

Captivity - Day 93 Wanna See My 8 track Collection, Baby?

I like to shake things up by releasing these in odd numerical order. That's about all I've got these days.


Happy F Day, to whom it applies.
It's Sunday - why the F are people mowing at 11am?


I looked up my local mall to see if they were open. They seem to have forgotten to update their page. I know this because it said March 3rd. They were kind enough to let us know Sears was open just fine, and Kay Jewelers had curbside service. "Oh, K? I'd like an engagement ring. Could you bring one to the curb?"

Guitar Center emailed to say it's not too late to get Dad a gift card. I should probably forward this to Wife. I feel privileged: she has an email filter specifically for me. I asked if it brought all my emails to the top and she said close; it brings all  my emails to the trash. Perhaps if I print out the email and leave it on top of the shoe store sale flyer....


Mrs lefty said all men want a threesome.
I looked at her incredulously and said, "What - and disappoint 2 women at the same time?"


I always found myself drawn to technology. If I were doing a play, I'd wind up wanting to do sound instead. Nothing has changed... I want to be the guy who wires up the wireless mics to celebrities. "Ms Vergara? I have to snake this small black wire up your shirt and clamp it to your collar for your microphone. Oops."



Mrs lefty asked me to carry a whole lotta stuff out of the back room. I said, "Excuse me? I don't carry boxes - I am a knowledge worker."

So I carried everything.




Joe Rogan is undergoing SJW canceling (whine, never watch again, expect everyone else to not watch again, contact his boss, contact his advertisers) for making a joke about female comics not being allowed onstage until they orally satisfy him.

It's a joke, you socially correct fun-vacuums. They've been around forever.
I used to be a musical comic. At a college (of course), some SJW boy came up and said we were really bashing Jews. We explained to Cindy that many of the group were Jewish and we bashed everyone equally. Keep in mind that all we did  was song parodies. Then he said we were really hard on women.

I did my level best to remain calm and listen to what he had to say. Susie looked at me and told the group I looked like I was ready to kill him. I've never been good at hiding my emotions. This was over 20 years ago and still gets my snot boiling. It was a sign of things to come. We had to stop doing colleges ($$) because the SJWs were infiltrating campuses. And just the other day, students apologized for letting the police use their bathrooms at one of their informal riots.

Where was I?  Oh, jokes.
Back in the Olde Days<tm>, we'd  listen to a comedian and find him funny or not. If funny, we'd watch. If not funny, we wouldn't watch. I hated Pauly Shore, Carrot Top, Elaine Boosler, Jerry Seinfeld, and all the other whiny, neurotic alleged comedians. Did I call the venues, agents, sponsors, bus companies, parents, and keep it mentally stored in case there was ever social media? Apparently I had a life (or something) and this idea would take way too much time. In addition, I wasn't interested in taking away anybody else's enjoyment of the things I didn't like. Are you seeing any similarities to today?

Joe Rogan: after you read this, know that even though I don't watch or listen to you, I'm squarely behind you. In spirit. Because I can't do shit for you. And because you don't read this blog (although you should). And maybe if famous people read this blog, they'd steal my stuff. As if it were worth stealing. I know you're a psyop, but I promise not to tell anyone.


Make sure you read carefully, unlike me, who likes to look at the pitchers.
I saw something called a Cloud Microphone. Whenever I hear 'cloud,' I cringe. Now I'm wondering if the microphone goes to the cloud and comes back down. That would be a hell of a trick, not to mention the delay.


My BFF is a lesbian.
That makes two women I'm not sleeping with.


In fact, I know a lot of ladies, none of whom have expressed the slightest desire to sleep with me.

My wife is amused. And cruel.
One day at work, a very pretty lady walked up to me and kissed me on the cheek, in full view of a few people. She turned around and walked away. I told my wife, who said she probably lost a bet.  I told you she was cruel. Coincidentally, my BFF, the lesbian, was standing right there with me. We'd sit in the office and rate breasts going by.  Speaking of coincidences, Mrs lefty's BFF was a gay guy. THEY would sit there and rate asses. This dipshit had AIDS, pretty much cured, then took too much whatever, and died falling on his face. He was a great dude and we miss him.

UFOs - Under my Bed!!

• I'm really impressed by people giving back. There are countless stories of people giving back to their college by providing scholarships.
• Now it's my turn: I'm providing 2 scholarships to No College, which I attended immediately after high school.
• British schools have lost over a million dollars because the donor wanted his money to go to people of his own background. Interesting article.

Dear lefty:

• Are you going to pursue schooling this year, like you said?
• I said schoolgirls.

Speaking of UFOs, NIST, the National Institute of Standards and Technology, just digitized the bullets that killed JFK. It's been 50 years, so there's a tiny sad giggle factor to this. This is actually an interesting, possibly (eventually) helpful idea. They're using the 2 fragments from the actual bullets from the neck and back of the head. They also include the 'stretcher bullet,' which was found lying near Governor Connally's stretcher.

If you step back and take a look, you see an interesting see-saw effect. On the one side, things are being done to research, store, and solve. On the other side.. well... it's less of a see saw effect than half a see saw effect. One side moves up and down, while the other side stays unmoving.

• Grinch Award, 2019 Closeout: Special Olympics NY hacked, phishing emails sent to donors. 

Dear Wife:
I send you this brief note not in the spirit of apology, but in the spirit of explanation. You prepared your famous Mexican dip, with the beans, cheese, and salsa. I had a small taste this morning.  It was even better than I remember. I will be incommunicado while I finish the last 75% of it. After that, try looking for me in the bathroom.  Love, lefty.

• A study found apps don't provide reliable help for suicide prevention.
• Ummm... perhaps we're relying just a hair too much on apps. Yes, absent any care whatsoever, in minimal cases, the apps can help. Don't get your psych advice from an app. In an emergency, wrong numbers for hotlines aren't helpful.
• I don't get help from plumbing apps, so if I'm having trouble, I'll likely use my phone to actually call for help.

Curious as to how the PinePhone is coming along? The $149 phone with no connections to Google or Apple? Here's what 4 different operating systems look like running on it. You can put whichever you like on it, or others. Just wait til the developers are done and it's ready for prime time.

• Go surfing. You do it all day long. Those cookie notices that get in your way are a PITA. Today's was my favorite: We care about your privacy.
• If you cared about my privacy, you'd leave me alone and eat your own cookies.

We're learning about Stealth technology. We're learning about how it was made (tested at Area 51). Some of the Stealth aircraft have been retired. Retired.. yet we're just hearing their stories. This work is many years old. The SR-71 Blackbird was used by the Air Force from 1964 to 1998. So what is in the chute now? The Stealth craft have all sorts of 'futuristic' features. What do current generation testing planes have?  I don't think we've seen any of this. Doesn't it make you wonder? [Note: I understand the need for secrecy in certain military projects]

To possibly answer my own question, there are a ton of triangle craft sightings. Remember: UFOs are unidentified. We don't know what they are and where they came from. We don't know who or what is driving them. There's speculation that the triangles are ours.

One thing we don't know (I think): how to go unbelievably fast and make instant 90 degree turns. In current aircraft, if that were possible, we'd become puddles against a side of the cockpit. Bodies can't take that kind of force. Something inside the craft has to nullify this force.

As far as we know, only helicopters hover.
What flew over Phoenix twice hovered and also flew very slowly. Unless we have an impossibly large craft that can hover, it's not ours.

Compare and contrast this with Skunkworks' Ben Rich (Skunkworks did the super secret stuff and Ben was the head), who said something to the effect of having the technology to take ET home.

• Reminder: do NOT stick a USB stick into your computer. At all. Especially if you picked it up somewhere, like on the ground. Or stole it from a friend. You have no idea what's on it, but it could be a really nasty virus. Or something that silently takes over your PC and allows access to Bad Guys.

Today's word is gynecomastia. It means male breast growth.
Why do I bring this up?
Because of the claim that plant-based burgers will cause gynecomastia.
Read the whole article before you die snickering (like I almost did).

"We should not speak so that it is possible for the audience to understand us, but so that it is impossible for them to misunderstand us." Marcus Fabius Quintilianus

• China jails scientists behind first genetically engineered babies.
• and when they say jailed, they mean "gave them houses and larger salaries"

Why is it the attractive women are the ones least suitable for relationships?
On LivePD the cute ones are always the meth chicks (I like em skinny).
And those famous female killers... Amanda Knox, Rachel Wade, Jodi Arias, Casey Anthony... if you saw them on the street, you'd look twice. It's just that one other thing, keeping you from asking.....  These girls just kill me.




Today I identify as  a cocker spaniel

Because I've been relatively good these past few months, I was allowed out of the house. Because I was allowed out of the house, it was gray and rainy. Not because it was gray and rainy, the car's panel sprouted a light that said AUTO. It was a new light. I like new things. Since it said AUTO, it didn't seem threatening. Since Penny wasn't in the car, I couldn't have her sniff it to figure out whether it was friend or foe. I pondered. Then I pondered some more. Then I drifted off to pondering other things, because I have the attention span of a newborn infant, but not quite as much. When I reached down for a drink, I came across a switch. This, too, was a new thing. The switch had a position called AUTO. Hey - that light said AUTO - was it a coincidence? Is anything a coincidence? Are there any coincidences? Not in my car, there ain't.  The switch said 2WD/Auto/blah. I sort of got the gist.. .one position gave the vehicle two wheel drive. The second position was AUTO, and the third shifted us into blah. Aside from blah, I think I had to the situation pretty well in hand. I flipped the switch to 2WD and, as if by magic, the AUTO light went out. Another mystery solved before breakfast. Let us not quibble that it was 3pm.. I still hadn't had breakfast.  Yeah, ok, it's a new to us car. We're still finding stuff in it. Sadly, it's a year older than our existing car, so it has no AUX IN jack either. I am beginning to suspect the brain-radio interface will be standard in cars before I get an AUX IN. To our benefit, the cd player will play data CDs. To my agitation, the humongous library of blank cd's I have contains no blank ones. It was much easier when I worked at places that would give me spindles to take home. So we're stuck in place, with nothing to listen to in two cars but broadcast radio. I know this is a crime somewhere, perhaps according to the Geneva Convention, right after that nazi stuff.

Because we were going to dinner after the mall, all sorts of interesting food and treat places that weren't there before opened. Each one had something I needed desperately. I remain not-paranoid, and at no time did I feel it was personal, as it usually is when they do this to me.

I'm at one of those in between ages.... young enough to go into Spencer's, old enough not to get some of the references. To be fair, the Led Zeppelin shirt was pretty cool, as was the Hendrix. There were some boffo hats.. one was done in the script of the golf ball company Titleist. It said Titties. I have a relative who would piss himself if he saw it, but wouldn't have the balls to wear it while golfing.  The other had was multi-colored, not particularly attractive, and said TRANS on it. Hmmmm..... what are the implications of wearing a Trans hat in public? Well, I'm not really attractive, so people already think there's something 'different' about me. I guess it depends on what they think of trans people. If Mrs lefty wore it, that would confuse people. She's a woman from birth, no doubt. I might need more time on this. If I wear it to work, maybe I can get a promotion. Guess I better find out if Trans people are a protected group or not. It could backfire spectacularly.

*note to trans people: I do not hate you anymore than I hate any other person or group. It's none of my business what you do, or what you might want to do. Go in peace.

There must have been a cell phone giveaway at the mall, because half the people there were talking on them. Keep in mind that I've had cell phones from the Beam Me Up, Scotty style Motorolas, so they're not foreign to me. Welding one to your ear is. I know everyone loves their cell phones, but what kind of conversation absolutely must take place and cannot wait til you're out of the mall?

Maybe the cynics are right when they say tv, then cell phones have changed our lives, mostly our attention span, forever. One guy was in the mall with his sister, talking very loudly about cell phones. He's probably one of those people who talk LOUDLY on cell phones for reasons nobody knows. Mrs lefty does that too. In fact, when she makes a call, she goes down to the sub-basement, where there's a small, padded, soundproofed room, and makes her calls there. I still hear them sometimes. It's wonderful that she's so considerate, though. I'd be horrified and spend my time figuring out how to be quiet enough to not disturb anybody. She tries to get out of earshot. Same effect, I guess. Unless I need her for something, then I have to run a few floors down, to the sub-basement, where she's on the phone, in the small, sound-proofed room. I bang on the door. Still talking. I scream. Still talking. When she finishes the call, several hours later, my eyes are staring at each other and I'm screaming because she hasn't opened the door. She tells me it's soundproofed - she couldn't hear me knock.


I'm looking for words to describe shopping with Mrs lefty.
Ok, start with a short yellow bus, full of 8 year old kids who just had their first coffee and candy bar combo. The bus trip isn't bumpy at all - they're just jumping up and down in their seats. Line them up outside the short bus, in size order, and march them into the store, stopping to tell Jonathan to stop asking the old ladies for cigarettes. Once inside the store, say START SHOPPING and watch them disappear in every possible direction, including up. Up is an interesting choice, as the store has no 2nd floor. Oh well, where there's caffeine, there's a way. Now imagine tracking each one down, across the entire humongous store. Hours later you have them back in line, and head off to shop. Along the way, each one wants to stop at a different display. At the same time. They try this, but never separate, so the loudest tail is wagging the dog, like some extremely large caterpillar with hiccups.

So shopping with Mrs lefty is like that.


Meanwhile, back at the mall....

• The wife keeps disappearing around the corner to shop for new things. I used to chase her, but then I realized I have the shopping cart with her new clothes in it, so she'll find ME.
• After stopping at every display, on the way to look at one thing, I voiced my impatience. "Ok, we'll go where you want to go."  Thank y... she had already disappeared.
• Wife found a really nice top in white. She asks me what I think. I say no, white is merely a canvas for spaghetti sauce. Or ketchup.
• NOTE: it may be 75% off, but 75% off doesn't make it any less ugly.
• The sale section looked like a small nuclear explosion. Wife may have disappeared beneath some disgustingly green pants. At least I hope so, because they're moving.

Men, just give it up. You have exactly zero hope of grokking women's clothes or stores. If you try, it will cause a severe headache, brought on by massive brain hemorrhage. 

It's not enough that women have sizes, they have designations: women's, juniors, seniors, misses, divorced, and On the Hunt. Size 10 can be any actual size except 10. We don't have that problem: our clothes are over there, in the corner, in the Never Mind section. There are 2 pairs of pants, in generic size, plus one pair of shoes, that may or may not fit you. 

No matter what either of you is looking for, it's ugly. Ugly never goes out of style.

I try to learn one thing each time we go shopping. I work through the headache because I'm devoted to knowledge. Unfortunately I'm working against the flawed premise that I will eventually understand the topic. I just realized I'm self-deluded and I should have stopped this years ago... perhaps I just like the pain.

What did I learn?
Follow along - I can see your lids closing and some of you heading for the medicine cabinet...
Last time there, Wife saw a rack of her favorite shirts. I brought her back to get some for xmas. I somehow managed to drag her, quickly, through only 12 stops, to the exact rack. When we finally arrived, I waved my arms expressively, to point out the exact rack... with a completely different set of shirts, bearing absolutely no resemblance to the shirts that were there last time. I stammered, flummoxed.

She looked at me, without pause, and told me they were 'over there'.
Over there?
Yeah, they moved them.
NO, they were HERE.
Yes, they moved them.
How do you know?
They were on sale. Now these are on sale. And they're the wrong size.
Hang on - they change locations and sizes?
Yeah, they're over there.
How do you know?  

She dragged me halfway across the store, and there they were. In a completely different department, next to the mumus the morbidly obese women wear. Is this some sort of female homing device? If the rack were moved into the back room, would women know and storm the back room? I'm kidding - they'd demand their husbands storm the back room. Or worse, ask somebody.



We had a very strange dinner. I was looking around, wondering if the police were going to be involved. Or maybe 13 of the top people in Corporate. We walked in and there was no line. The lady seated us immediately, asking where we'd like to sit. They had everything we ordered. It came out quickly. The waitress was great and sweet. The order arrived as-ordered - no mistakes. We paid, were warmly wished a good evening and happy new year. I thought for sure they were being robbed or something. I kept looking around for the flashing lights, or some hooded people with guns. Or the food inspectors. Maybe aliens. I have no idea, but this sort of thing never happens, so we spent the entire dinner waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you think about it, no dinner we eat at a restaurant is ever going to be good because it's either wrong or it's too good and we're waiting to be poisoned or something...




Heroes of the Stupid

The couple heard noise downstairs, called the police, the guy got his gun, the police arrived. He was called downstairs because his Roomba had switched itself on and was banging into stuff. On the bright side, Google now has his floor plan.


Sharon Stone (yes) was blocked from the dating app Bumble because of several reports that her profile was fake.   In unrelated news, Mrs lefty said Bumble had better not be on my phone.




SJW Meanderings

Transgender man gives birth to non-binary partner's baby with female sperm donor.  If you can follow this, please avoid leaving a comment to explain it to us.

Juggling Disney

We went to the mall yesterday.
That is usually enough for an entire blog entry, and this did not disappoint.

There are 2 guitar stores there, so there's something for me. And when I say something for me, I mean a place to look at backwards (right handed) guitars and note the extreme non-presence of lefties. I know that it's not economically feasible to carry a ton of lefties, but there are virtually none in most stores. And the ones that are present are starter junk.

The salespersons are sympathetic to my plight, but can't do anything. Some even note they get significant calls for lefties, but have little inventory. It's like ordering a few lefties causes physical pain for Manglement. One can go into Guitar Center and note an absolute ton of guitars there; few if any lefties. It's like the Cheese Shop sketch.

"Yes, we have a lot of guitars."
But I can't find a lefty."
"We have a ton of guitars. This is the best shop in the state."
How do you reckon this?
"We have a ton of guitars. It's a very clean shop."
Well, it's certainly clean of lefties.

Hey, I want to check out some necks on Fenders. Do you have the backwards versions?  Yes, one. A cheap one.  I see.

"But the warehouse might have one. You'll have to pay for it in full before we can order it, but you have a 45 day return option."

Ummm.. do you think I'm really that stupid? Would you buy a guitar you can't play beforehand?


Hey, Fender put out a 70s Strat. Lemme see - I know they're made left handed.
This is NOT a 70s Strat. I have a number of them and this guitar in no way resembles them. The alleged 70s Strat has a 2000s neck. What's wrong with Fender? Do they get better drugs than we do? Why do all the 50s reproductions have 2000s necks? HELLO... IS ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION AT FENDER?

So there was no surprise there.

-------------------------

We located a Disney store. It's virtually unheard of in our neighborhood, so in we went. Disney decided a while back to stop selling shirts and accessories for adults and concentrate on kids. This ignores a huge market - adults love Disney. Mrs. lefty adores Eeyore. She has Eeyore mugs, Eeyore socks, Eeyore clothes, and even Eeyore underwear. Being a resourceful type, I even looked for bras. There are no Eeyore bras.

The employees at Disney are among the most friendly in retail. I strongly suspect they go through 'training' at the Mouse House. The training involves blinky lights and things that go around a lot... "Pay attention to the spinning wheel. You are getting very sleepy. You LOVE Disney. You REALLY love Disney. In fact, you ARE Disney. You eat, sleep, and drink Disney. Your entire life is in service to The Mouse. You will be nothing but friendly and encourage the customers to buy more overpriced stuff at all times. When you wake up, you will have no memory of our little chat.... 1... 2... 3... and now you're awake."

We were approached by no fewer than six helpful, cheerful Mouse Workers. They were so happy that my subconscious was trying to drag my body out of the store. Upon checking out, the lovely checkout lady asked if we minded carrying the stuffed Eeyore we bought.

Huh?
I helpfully suggested an actual bag. You know bags - you get them in every store in the civilized world (and New Jersey).

"Yes, we've gone green and no longer have bags," she said smugly... like she was in California and was doing something great for the planet.

Huh?
"But you can buy this cloth one for 99 cents."
Huh? (she must have thought I was 'slow')

The Smug was heavy in the store.

Anybody who has ever been in customer service (or awake while working) knows you don't take something away and not provide an alternative. An alternative that the customer isn't required to pay extra for. This is stupid, even by Disney standards. I could almost see the blinky lights and the spinning round wheel (it doesn't work on ADHD people, who can't pay attention to spinning wheels and blinky lights long enough to have any effect).

So if I understand correctly, customers are supposed to walk around the mall with huge stuffed Disney figures or ten little stuffed animals, dropping them all over the place. The other stores laugh and say 'they just came from Disney'. Maybe it's just cheap advertising for Disney. Instead of a DISNEY plastic bag, people see all the DISNEY stuff you just bought. On the floor.

Mrs. lefty loves the hell out of large bags with handles, so she said buy one. It's not the 99 cents - it's the principle (my standing on principle is a recurring theme - one that causes me no end of inconvenience. I'm a pro at shooting myself in the foot - I can hit my foot from across the mall). Naturally the bag has a humongous Disney outline on it, so there's no doubt in anyone's mind where you bought it from. And that you paid for the ($&#ing bag.

----------------------

"Are you finding everything ok?"

How many times have you heard this? We were asked this no fewer than 4 times at Victoria's Secret.  By the way, Victoria's Secret is how they get people to pay so much for so little. Like swimsuits, there is an inverse relationship: the less material in the garment, the more it costs.

NO, we're NOT finding everything ok. In fact, we're not finding ANYTHING.
We're wandering from table to table, looking at Stuff. We are playing the 'Let's find something in the store under $75' game.  We noticed Pink (brand) sweatpants for $60. I asked if we covered over the Pink, would the price tag magically lower itself to $9.99?

In a previous store, I noticed a young teenager wearing the absolute tightest shorts I've ever seen. Wife says everybody's wearing them. I'm flummoxed.. so tight that they look like they're sprayed on... to paraphrase Ren and Stimpy's Pope (voiced by Frank Zappa, RIP), "Cling tightly to my buttocks. Both of them?"

I am not my parents. These shorts look quite fine, but not on a teenager. If they weren't black, I'd swear she wasn't wearing anything. Again, this is just fine on legal age women who can wear them well, but I'd get arrested for looking at them on young girls.

Victoria's in an interesting phenomenon. Basically it teaches young girls it's ok to wear lingerie. And $50 thongs. I'm no prude and people can wear whatever they like, but this is interesting.

In happier news, TUBE TOPS ARE BACK!  They're my favorite. I always tried to get Tube Top Tuesdays instituted at work. I was all kinds of excited until Mrs lefty popped up to pop my bubble, reminding me the only people who will be wearing them are the people who shouldn't be wearing them. She's right, and not only because I have to agree. We also noticed that the largest size in anything in the store is Extra Small. So not only is Victoria's for underage girls to spend more money they don't make; it's for very skinny, petite girls. Normally this would be like Disneyland for me (girls without bags to carry them in?), but again, they're underage. I don't want to be Jethro Tull's old man sitting on the park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. But let me say something positive about the store: Mrs lefty says their bras are very good and long-lasting. So there's $99 well spent.

As if thongs weren't enough, you can now buy them flat, without lines.
Because no self-respecting woman would want anyone to know their thong has lines (when they bend over and the thong has ridden up their back). Again, the wrong people are wearing them.

"I wear thongs because it makes me sexy to the guys."
Maybe, maybe not. You'd be better served losing 100 of your 300 pounds, though... most men are incapable of mounting a Volkswagen, Hon.

And now I'm going to be called fat-phobic. Even though they're facts.
Actually, if I can get a campaign going to smear me, I'll get way more hits!

---------------------

Since I was with a woman, we stopped at the Lotion and Candle store.  The only men in the store were the ones dragged in by their spouses and the overtly gay employees. Candle stores, makeup stores, and shoe stores. I have no idea why, but it's an observation. The men dragged in by their spouses all had that faraway look, as if they were really not there; perhaps preferring to be on a rack, being tortured by Dick Cheney.

Candle stores are a license to print money. Throw some scented wax in a glass jar and you can charge $37.50 for it (on sale, naturally). If you buy 3 pumpkin spice lotions, you get 2 free (for only $24.99 each). I was incensed (get it?) because they had no rock or dirt scent. This only warmed me up for the biggest piece of genius since P.T. Barnum: the 3 wick candle. This thing is marketing and profit genius the likes of nothing ever seen before.. stay with me... Put three wicks in your normal candle. The candle now burns 3 times faster, and you can charge more money for it! Disney is jealous.

While there, a non-blinky lighted happy salesperson asked if we were looking forward to fall. WHAT? We just got used to spring/summer (we only have 2 seasons where I live - spring/summer and fall/winter). There are decent temperatures among the disgusting hot and humid ones, and it only rains 3 days a week instead of 5. No, we're not looking forward to fall. Plus the @&$(*ing leaves to rake.


So yeah, whenever I walk through a mall, I'm mentally writing this blog.

========================

No single topic blog rant would be complete without a rant on country music. 

There is a band called Big & Rich on tv. They are referred to as country music. Boy, country music has changed since I started avoiding it. The lead singer is black. I know many black lead singers, but this is the first time I've seen a black country lead singer (yes, I know they exist - I just don't watch country music). The drummer has a huge, metallic drum kit and a huge mohawk. There are always at least 4 guitar players in country music, but you can never hear more than one at a time. And since there are 4 guitars, there's also a lone banjo, in the back, in the corner, where all banjos belong. Fortunately the sound man 'forgot' to mic the banjo, so no one is subjected to it. Someone in the audience complained to the sound man they couldn't hear the banjo. The sound man smiled and said 'You're welcome.'

The singers alternate. The white one looks like a country version of Kid Rock, only less trashy. The joke's on the audience, as it's not possible to be more trashy than Kid Rock.

The lead guitarist must've been freshly recruited from a rock or metal act. This guy had all the riffs down to be in a pretty good rock band. I was impressed. This must be why people hate country music. I hear a lot of moaning about how new country music sucks (how does one differentiate it from the traditional country music suckage?). They want to hear ole Hank Williams and plastic-haired Conway Twitty. I swear if that hair hit the floor, it would bounce and injure at least 3 pairs of feet. So the traditionalists are against uptempo and rock-influenced country. Ironically, this stuff sells big time and there are more country fans than ever. Like Katy Perry and any form of rock and roll.

=========================

No single topic blog rant with a country music rant attached would be complete without another random rant. 

There is wonderful news in the medical field: surgeons have pioneered an operation that gives paralyzed people some function in their hands. It's a minor miracle and I am really happy for these folks.

That's the good news.

The bad news is what I saw about it on the news: they told everyone the good news, then they showed the operation, complete with the arm opened and the blood vessels and guts and Victoria's thongs and country music visible for all to see. I was nauseated. My breakfast told me to stop eating it.

Ridgecrest, California just suffered a 7.1 earthquake.

Quick to action, the governor just signed legislation making earthquakes illegal.

A Florida man pretending to be police pulls over a real policeman. It didn't go well.

SJW Stuff

from Twitter:
Air-conditioning is unhealthy, bad, miserable, and sexist. I can’t explain how may times I’ve gotten sick over the summer b/c of overzealous AC in offices. #BanAC

Hours and Hours but You Can't Find Out Which

We went out yesterday, which is usually the start of a good/bad story.
We tried to be prepared.. it was a Sunday, so our destination had different hours. We took to the web to find out what those hours were. This was definitely a mistake. I almost miss phone books.

The first place had a link for hours and told me all about their Christmas and other holiday hours.  So at that point, we know when we couldn't go, but not when we could. We eventually found the hours by going to a different site.

I'll tell you something the professionals won't: depression is 75% brain chemistry and 25% trying to find stuff on the web or type things on your phone. I am dismayed that people are moving to cell phones to browse, over laptops and desktops. With that in mind, you'd think the web pages for phones would take the hint and get better. As Ben Stern said, "I told you not to be stupid, you moron." An entire page in a font ants strain to read is not helpful.

The second place had hours and even shared them with customers. But mostly they had a BIG SALE.

The third place only took 47 minutes to release its secrets.

I'm a huge technology guy and if I can't find this stuff, what hope do my parents have? Perhaps I have it wrong and the sites are set up for The Great Unwashed, and anyone with more than a few brain cells can't figure out it. This may be giving myself too much credit.

So on a Sunday, 3 connected stores were open at 9, 10, and 11:00. While this crisis doesn't reach the level of nuclear winter, the coordination and planning behind it is fun; like the class of ADHD students writing down the date of the next test. Look - a FENCE!


We took The Parents. You have not lived until you've seen Mom and Mrs lefty spend ten minutes going over the vagaries and precise details of work gloves. I didn't want to be unreasonable by demanding they return to the planet, as I'm only really horrible online. Of course I was thrilled because they had tool chests in blue. It takes all kinds.

When I told Mrs lefty to speed it up a bit (please), she said she was doing her best. Doing her best? How? Doing her best to discuss gloves, chatting about relatives, stopping to look in a window, more Glove Talk, more windows to check out. I'd hate to see her not doing her best.

Then there's Cigarette PTSD.
If you know a smoker, you'll understand. They're always the last out of the car because they're getting their cigarette ready. They're terrified they'll never have another cigarette. Logically, this is plain stupid, as they just got done paying $27.89 a pack for tobacco with urea and huge banners that say SMOKING WILL KILL YOU.

Once they're out of the car, they're the last in the store or destination because they have to smoke the little things. And if there's a walk involved, they can smoke another one, delaying the entire busload of cancer patients another ten minutes.

I was at a mall with Mrs lefty and her sister. As we were leaving and approached within 50 feet of the exit, they both had their ciggies ready. In fact, the PTSD was so bad, they only made it to the first set of automatic doors - both of them. By the second set (15' away), they were already enjoying burning plants with toxic additives and putting the nicotine goodness from it into their lungs.

If you watch police shows, you'll notice they arrest the perp for shooting 47 people and raping kittens, and the only thing the bad guy will say is to beg for a last cigarette before they take him to jail.


Other scenes from a mall

When the ice cream guy hands you caramel ice cream and strawberry cheesecake ice cream, why do you have to taste them first to figure out which is which? When you tell him someone dropped an entire cone on your side of the counter, he asks small or large.

The frozen lemonade stand looked interesting. It would be more interesting if they had actual lemon-flavored lemonade, as pictured. This is what I call Unreasonable Expectations.

The place that has [James Earl Jones voice] THE MEAT, doesn't tell you THE MEAT doesn't extend to the outside of the bun. But hey - curly fries. There's apparently a bell by the door you're supposed to ring if you thought the food was delicious. If anyone ever rung it, it would develop a crack larger than the Liberty Bell.  I guess if you didn't think the food was delicious you'd need to signal your thoughts, perhaps with a long, pronounced fart.

Speaking of long, pronounced farts, have you seen that Payless Shoes is going out of business? Now's the time to hit the stores. That is, unless you're my size or like what I like, in which case there aren't any shoes. When I had determined there were no shoes for me in the entire SHOE store, I was tying my shoes and some lady asked, with great difficulty, if she could use the seat to tie her other person's shoe. Well, sure, but they'd have to wait for me (I'm funny that way). While waiting, the other person, probably on the autistic spectrum, let out a long, zippy kinda fart. I was waiting for the entire aisle to fall over, but everyone politely waited til we left the store, before doing verbal impersonations.


All in all, it was a great day to swear this is something you'll never do again, then forget and do it again.  At least we procured a tie with functional piano keys on it, so the day wasn't totally shot.

Coke and M&Ms - a Manly Breakfast

Overheard at the mall: "did you have your comb for the dinosaur?"

Overheard at most of the mall's cell phone stores: WOULD YOU PICK A PHONE, DAMMIT? We have to eat sometime this week.

Funny I should mention the mall and phones, because we just came back from the phone store at the mall. One of the financial Einsteins in the house realized that if we both have the same carrier, the bill would be considerably less. I had problems with her carrier, so I fled. Years later, she's joining me. Or is supposed to. Her phone developed what can only be called encephalitis.... it scrambles the contacts' name, phone number, picture, and bra size. It does this randomly, so she can never be sure who she called. While this may work for people who like to make new friends, they don't live in our house and are not welcome. I tested her phone for virii and it's clean. I looked online and talked to Phone People, none of whom had ever heard of this, so it was time for a new phone. In some sort of ironic happenstance, I sometimes come up as her gynecologist. Or at least her last name. Bless her, she somehow knows who the phone thinks the contact is.

After calling AAA and ordering one of those flatbed trucks with a winch, I got her into the car to get a new phone. She sat down on a comfy chair, as did I. We continued to sit, while I pointed out some features of the 4 non-iDevices she could buy. For a major phone carrier, there isn't what you'd call a good range of phones. You can have a flip phone, a midline phone, or a $1,000 Samsung. I should have stopped talking because she was obviously in mental contact with them, figuring out which would be best for her. By all means, don't listen to the guy who researched the hell out of the available phones before buying his. Sometimes, 30 minutes too late, I know when to shut up.

ME: What are you looking for - a large screen?
HER: that's part of it.
ME: what's the other part?
HER: ('what am I doing here?' look) I like my phone.
ME: if you like playing "Guess the Contact" each time you have to use it, I won't argue. The new ones are all faster and larger than yours.
HER: ('am I still here?' look)

Since everyone gets nailed by a salesperson the moment they walk in the door, we were left alone the whole time. We had to locate one, but two were busy with customers and the third with his Faceyspaces account. Eventually he got bored with cat pictures and offered to help us out. She couldn't transfer her number without several Super Encrypted, Triple Secret Probation numbers, known only to the phone's owner, meaning no one had ever seen them before. She called her carrier and got disconnected 4 times. It almost hurt to not say "See, this is why you need to change carriers," but I value my reproductive apparatus too much. The numbers were also in her carrier app on the phone. Only no one had ever operated the carrier app. Is it always this difficult buying a new phone? Her carrier also has a store in the mall, as required by law.

So we went up to the 40th floor of the mall and passed the carrier's store, as required by law.  We were both really hungry, so against better judgment, we went to the food court. Well, we were supposed to, but everyone wanted to stop and look in each store, then each window display and didn't I see those red sneakers and we'll have to go back for those pink flamingo bedsheets and .. AREN'T WE HUNGRY ALREADY? Yeah, but did you see those red sneakers? The mall redid the food court a while ago, and they did a great job, except in filling it with stores that you'd buy food from without fear of poisoning. The only place I'd eat at was closed, this being the Lord's day. We had our choice of Nonames Pizza, Sushi Ptomaine Palace, Chinese Great Restaurant, and Cajun Chinese Great Restaurant. And naturally, Starbucks. This is the only mall in which a Wendy's closed. Of course this was the Wendy's that told me they ran out of ketchup. The next time I went, they ran out of fries...maybe closing was a gift to consumers. How does one of the largest fast food chains on the PLANET run out of fries? Did the health inspectors find roaches that the employees were smoking? Were they deemed too stupid to remain open? Since there were no ice cream stores, we gave up. In spite of me telling Faceyspaces Salesman to hold til we got the requested info, I got a new phone plan, but there's still only me on it. I got 4 gigs of data, but have yet to use 1. I have unlimited texting and talking but never text or talk. I'm the perfect cell phone customer.... so long as the phone works, I'm ok. I don't really use anything I pay for.. I wonder if there's an internet only device that doesn't make phone calls and allows 10 texts per month. Oh wait, there IS a device like that - a tablet. Fortunately I'm not fat enough to have the size pockets required for a tablet.

While I sit here sweating, with frozen feet, I start wondering why I'm sitting here sweating, with frozen feet. In bed, I need a blanket over the bottom 12" of me. Go ahead - make something of that. The other day was fun: I was freezing at warm home temps. By the end of the day, I felt fine, and it was cold in the house. Perhaps my internal thermostat is having a silent argument with the house thermostat. It certainly wouldn't be the weirdest thing happening in the house, by far, especially since the glass that took a leap off the table as my friend walked by. Or the way the house seems to move away from the street, in almost imperceptible increments.

• Ebay wrote to tell me they have a lefty Ed Sheeran guitar on auction. What is an Ed Sheeran guitar? Should I be afraid? 

California, the Land of Weird, never fails to astound the world. In fact, aliens from other solar systems routinely tune in California because even they can't believe what goes on there (and they travel using wormholes, which are about to be outlawed in California). Governor Jerry Brown (D - The Happy Place) signed legislation 'that fights childhood obesity by mandating that restaurants and fast food spots may no longer list sugary drinks on their kids' menus.' The only drinks they can list is(sic) water and milk.

The Californians who don't defecate in the street are very happy about this. The other 49 states just shake their heads and continue mumbling. The aliens are howling. 

As for me, I'm naturally torqued off about it. It is not the job of government to look after health by mandating stuff on or off menus. They can't produce usable health insurance, outside or through the government, so I don't trust them to take on the herculean task of Menu Mandating.

The ever-helpful legislators say this is necessary to keep children healthy.

Yes, because the air quality is certainly fine. Only about 1% of them defecate on the street, and they're in northern CA. Hot dogs, burgers and deep fried salted potatoes are perfectly healthy - just not sugary drinks.  Mind you, parents can still order the deadly sugary drinks for their children, but if they're listed on the kids' menu, it could cost the restaurant $500. The thinking man's solution is to stop providing kids' menus. This won't work because California legislators don't think. Because they don't think, they don't understand the repercussions.. what's going to happen when children, who are told there's no soda, see their parents drinking soda? The howling and screaming will be unearthly, which will force legislators to mandate hearing protection or sound-absorbing walls.

Even sadder with be the people holding up banks.... Give me all the money: I have a sugary drink and I'm not afraid to drink it!

A few years back, some miscreant in high office in New York made soda cups over 32oz illegal (to fight childhood obesity, even though adults buy them).  Ebay opened a market specially for vintage large cups. Before that, Philadelphia mandated calorie count on all menus... if you don't know that Deep Twice Refried Battered Onion Loaf Bits are a heart attack on a plate, perhaps you should keep stuffing your face with them. It's ok - the restaurant has the mandatory defibrillator.

I don't know about you, but I'm a big boy, entitled to and capable of making my own decisions about what to shove into my amazingly huge trap. This BS legislation is silly interference in business, like forcing a bakery to bake a cake for two same-gendered goldfish occupying the same bowl. Not only is it silly - no one told the goldfish you can't eat cake in water. But seriously folks, you produced your kids (most of you anyway) and it's your job to raise them as you see fit. All the information you need is available for you to make informed decisions. This is yet another intrusion, putting the government in place of you, the parents.  Meanwhile, have you seen these legislators? They need laws to protect them from Adult Obesity.

Hi, we're from the government and we're here to help you.

• Iran wants the world to know it's mad, and it's doing so by burning the American flag. Whenever Iran (or Iraq) is mad, they burn the American flag. When the Lord High Kahkah is constipated, they burn the American flag. When some other country that doesn't matter invades Iran, it burns the American flag. I smell a Trump joke in the making.
• Iran has a Special Peoples' Revolutionary Rabble Squad for just this purpose. 99% of the time, their streets are empty. When there's the slightest sign of unrest or the Lord High Kahkah sneezes, they call out the Squad. They show up with Iranian flags, lighter fluid, and crates of American flags (made in China).  Except for Iqbal. Iqbal is a Special Iranian, and tends to show up with the wrong flag or peanut butter instead of lighter fluid. They bring him along because it makes them feel better (and the peanut butter is mighty tasty).

Speaking of Iran, I'd like to make an appeal for sanity around US politics.

            _____Yes, I'm aware of what I just said.

We're of different faiths, locations, and degrees of baldness, yet we manage to get along (or quietly don't get along). The recent and current situation is downright disgusting.  In case any of the troublemakers read this blog (stop laughing), I mean NO VIOLENCE. The end does not justify the means. You have no divine right to commit whatever crimes you wish. As in war, God is not really on your side.

These words do not denote any particular political affiliation, although republican and democrat spring to mind. This time it's the followers, not the politicians. A potential nominee shouldn't require Secret Service protection, nor should the children of other potential politicians. This is ugly and nasty, and we're talking American politics here. 

Our system has ways built in to deal with dissent. Protest, bothering your reps, and even voting. First Amendment protections don't apply to blocking streets, buildings, or bridges. Nor rioting or burning down buildings. You have no right to make anonymous threats, in person threats, threaten family members, or organize violence. We have incredibly dirty politics and some really shameful examples of pols screwing the people, but this is beyond the pale. Let the politicians be slime: have some self-respect.

My brilliant wife observed that the violence will continue in order to get their candidate into office, so the new bitching can start, along with the efforts to get rid of THAT set. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity (attributed to Albert Einstein). So go vote for democrats, get pissed, complain, then vote for republicans. Then complain, so replace them with democrats.  This has been going on as long as there was voting, yet we continue to expect a different result. Everybody wants CHANGE, yet no one will vote for it. The government continues to get bigger and bigger, spending more of your money every year. Civil rights are being eaten away. You are a subject of the government, not its boss. Your words, typing, surfing and phone calls are subject to unwarranted spying. Even when there's a warrant, it's complete BS. This is the result of voting for who we've been voting for. Does no one see this?

Hey, maybe those Libertarians deserve another look.
There are other parties too. None of them will get into office until you vote for them.

• During work, I listen to music, to quiet the internal voices. You don't want them out, trust me. Observations:
• A man who got his due around Woodstock but should be a household name: Leslie West (Leslie Weinstein, Mountain). He's done a lot of work, with a lot of friends, lost a leg, and plays those notes so tastefully. They sustain. The man means what he plays.
• Another word for Stone Temple Pilots. The band that made all sorts of albums with Scott Weiland up front. No two songs were alike. In fact, no two songs sounded like the same band. They had a talent for impersonation too. They could do the Doors, jazz, way too screamy rock, and really beautiful melodies (that didn't make the radio). They had all sorts of odd harmonies, which Scott continued on his solo albums. It was weird in general, but pleasantly weird. Very different from STP and most other bands. The song I heard today sounded close to Bob Dylan (Robert Zimmerman) and so unfamiliar that I had to look to see who it was. There's a new lead singer, as Scott overdosed and died, but I haven't heard much of them. He could definitely sound like Scott.

We men are shallow, sometimes stupid, and very easily manipulated. Show us a pair of boobies, even promise to show us boobies, or just a pretty woman, and we'll do whatever you want.

Although I'm generally different, I'll admit to being easily manipulated.

There's a commercial that annoys most sentient beings, for something like a credit card, but I never remember the product in ads. I discovered one female in the background who knocked me out: tall, leggy, big hair, heels. Unlike the rest of men on the internet, I did not go searching to find out who she is, but rest assured others have, possibly erecting (sorry) a web page in her honor. Dammit, now I have to look. Only I don't remember the product, still. She was carrying a pizza, automatically making her more attractive. I traced this back to one of the commercial's earlier scenes, with people eating. 

I don't know this woman. I will never know this woman. But I put a few ounces of actual effort into looking at her. I can't even turn my head from the tv when it's on. Yes, I'm a guy - a really sad but normal example.  What kind of Stupid Stuff do you do? I know of one female reader, but she's immune to advertising too.

• Pro Tip: If you happen to find yourself 60' in the air, on top of one of those high rise building size fuel refinery tanks, don't smoke. Actually, go ahead and smoke, but make sure everybody in the blast radius is evacuated first.

I have this theory that when a person hits an incredibly high degree of stupidity, they self-immolate. Either no one has hit that level yet or my theory requires more thought.

• Don't forget the Philly Fall Guitar show, which isn't in Philly, and doesn't feel like fall. The date has already passed, but I wanted to remind you for next July and November. I already attended it, unless it was canceled. I cried because there were so many vintage lefty guitars I couldn't afford. Then I woke up.

The good news is that GAB, the right-leaning social network, is back up. They secured a new provider which supports free speech. Again, like them or not, we have a duty to protect free speech. Ever Vigilant.

• a man coming into an Irish airport had his luggage searched and was questioned in depth about the metal thing in his bag. It was a faucet from a sink and was confiscated because it was considered a weapon. Is their water that bad?  The next fellow lost his hacksaw blade. They're not well in Ireland: security OR people who carry hacksaw blades in their luggage. And they don't come with live subtitles.
• Me own mudder was stopped with a tretening amount o water and some weapons grade hand moisturizer.
• There's an interesting airport security job I saw on tv. Travelers are allowed to have porn on their laptops, but obviously nothing illegal (like anything involving children). The security person has to go through all the porn to make sure it's legal. I inquired about the job, but there's a backlog of 1,117 applicants and there is no salary. Plenty of benefits, though.....

Very recently, Muslims formed a human shield around synagogues, to prevent violence (Israel, I think). They raised $200k for victims. That's some good stuff. My hat is off to them. Even the Jews aren't shielding their synagogues. Quite frankly, I'm not human shielding any building, at least until I get automatic weapons.

• It's black and rainy outside today. Still. There's no light coming through the windows. The neighbors asked us to close the shades because we're letting all the light out.
• But I need to include something positive, lest you think I'm 100% negative: it went from 53 and raining to 63 and raining. I feel much better now.
• It was much nicer on Mars.

My dear new dog turns out to be even smarter than we thought... I asked if she likes the space heater, and she turned around and looked at it. She's starting to realize that my leg, with which she wants to be more than friends, wants little to do with her, so she's taking it out on a sofa pillow. The sofa pillow I use for naps. Perhaps we should wash it or something.

This is the only dog I've seen who does not lay on the floor. It's the couch or a chair for her. It's fun to watch, until she comes in from the rain and mud.

Since she was a stray, we don't have an age, other than 3-5 years. So she winds up to be a 3-5 year old hyperactive puppy. She's into absolutely everything. At least she's an equal opportunity shredder: the other night I removed a hardback book from her shedding. So she went to the magazine behind it. When I took that, she went after the weekend circulars. She loves her new home, even when parts of it need to be removed from her mouth.



Faceyspaces is at it again, and this time it's a real winner:  People You May Know. It suggests people who have been physically near you. This stuff is getting sicker by the month. Read it and weep. All sorts of new information about you will be revealed to other Facebookies (and stalkers, police, friends, enemies, ad people, information brokers, etc). The author tells of a father who went to a meeting for suicidal teens and one of the teens popped up as someone he might know. I know we don't have any Facebookers here, but tell your friends and family (that actually listen to you). Some say privacy is dead, but there are steps you can take to prevent things from getting worse. I'm not sure turning off Location will help here, as FB can (and will) get the location information from cell towers. The only sure way to prevent this is to turn the phone off [shudder]. While pondering this, read about the larger view of Faceyspaces.

Which reminds me - if you use wireless, you want to turn that off on your phone the moment you leave the house. Let's say your home network is called BOB'S HOME NETWORK. When you leave the house, your phone gets to feeling abandoned and keeps asking for BOB'S HOME NETWORK.  Are you BOB'S HOME NETWORK? I need to find BOB'S HOME NETWORK. Oh, BOB'S HOME NETWORK - where are you?  It will keep doing this until you get back home. All wireless systems (and hackers, and listeners, etc) have access to this. Stores are now collecting this information and matching it to other information they collected, building the perfect profile of you, then selling the information for profit. You're not getting a penny, by the way.

• While we're talking about information, I want you to stop before you type any information into any site on the web. Ask yourself if putting this information into the wild is safe (even if you're using https). When you have a text chat on Faceyspaces, in private, assume it will be monitored or at least looked at. If you like sexting someone directly, the service will read it. If you talk about doing something nasty, they have direct access and will read it. Never assume privacy the moment you type something. Always assume it will be read and behave accordingly.

Hey - how about a nationwide privately-owned biometrics system? One company has fingerprint data, the other facial recognition data. There is a reason I tell you about this stuff. The future is here and it's worse than you imagined. Worse than some novel about a dystopian future, featuring tumbleweeds, a tv that watches you, and mechanical comfort elephants that talk. I leave no one behind me when I stop being alive, but you might have children...