Captivity - Day 79 Shove the Mask Up Your...

It's magnificent outside. This is just another magnificent day. It's been like this, except for the day 400,000 people lost power. All this great weather has people happy. Naturally I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Luck like this always comes with a price tag: I'm just looking around, wondering what the next weather aberration will be. We had a mild winter, and we're just above middle Atlantic, so it could snow. We did hurricanes and tornadoes last week. Rain is as present as bad game shows (redundant, I know). Maybe all the leaves will fall overnight, producing quite a surprise tomorrow morning. The dog is running around her yard, keeping the area safe from motorcycles and rodents. She's also eating birds, and her latest snack; bumblebees.

I'm reading last night and Wife puts on a bad game show called Tag. Tag. Tag?
I watched parts of the player intros, and boy were they scary. Men with more muscles than hair, women with more muscles with hair. Some of the women were downright... what's the word..... frightening. People can bench press hundreds of pounds, but I don't want a woman who can bench press me. Or whose penis is bigger than mine.

If Tag becomes popular, expect Celebrity Hopscotch, Washed Up Celebrity Charades, World of Wiffleball, Congressional Hide and Seek, and Military Eyebrow Plucking! This is just the first week.

Currently, Mrs lefty, who might have bumped her head, is watching the Game Show Network. Game Show Network ain't what you think. In fact, it has a surprise: the game shows are reruns. Reruns from the 1970s. You can watch strangely-dressed people, bizarre washed-up 70s stars. and prizes that will have you howling.. a Ford Pinto. A stereo console with separate speakers and an 8 track player! A washing machine. A plaid sofa (that looks like it got burned in a fire). As a history project, it's hysterical. Otherwise, it's like archaeology: the people doing it don't always understand what they dug up. You also make a fairly good assumption that the contestants, hosts, and washed up stars are all dead. You're watching history! The contestants are almost uniformly ugly, and their 70s clothing makes you want to crawl up the ceiling, like when you try to do your tax returns. 1 in 40 are actually kinda cute. Think about it: the cutie contestant is now a great grandmother. Or dead.*

I'm told there's a current one called Match Game. Once again, there is not an original thought in Hollywood. Match Game ran through the 70's, I believe. The title differed by the year... Match Game 73, Match Game 78, etc. Hollywood is reviving a game show that's roughly 50 years old. I can't wait for Star Wars 97  - The Latest Sequel. And Star Trek 104, where Kirk discovers Viagra; Spock gets phased (on stun), loses his memory, and makes a nice home with Sulu.



* I try to be scrupulously honest, so I want to make a correction: all of the celebrities on the game shows are not dead.. one was Betty White.

** In post-nuclear 2051, the cockroaches will be the only ones left alive. Except for that one house in Hollywood, where Betty White is shacked up. With Keith Richards.

You Gotta Love Blonde Asians...

An Australian lady went to Vietnam. Upon return, she got pulled aside for inspection. Turns out her boyfriend, a plastic surgeon, installed buttock implants in Vietnam.

Say it again: buttock implants.

We know they're not new, but think about it..it's inserting something pillowy in the body. Like breast implants... a few years back, a woman was arrested in Philly for doing butt implants, one of which killed someone.

Epilogue: the butt implants contained large amounts of drugs.

• A man proposed to his girlfriend in court. That's so romantic, ain't it? She was in court for stabbing him 13 times. That should be some marriage... all lawyers in the court gave him their cards.

This probably went viral last week... the 16 year old girl who called 911 because Daddy took her cell phone away. The policeman sternly explained that 911 is for real crimes and went on to tell the child that everything really belongs to Dad anyway - she's a minor.

I think she's due for a Learning Opportunity. She will work in a 911 center, shadowing operators and listening to actual 911 emergencies. Hopefully this will help her understand the difference. While she's there, she can help out by cleaning the bathrooms. 

Dear lefty:

• I try really hard to get my boss to like me. What else can I do?
• Nothing. Your head is already so far up her ass, when you sneeze, she burps.

As I type this, Betty White turns 97.

After the nuclear apocalypse, there will only be Betty, shacking up with Keith Richards.

There's a great article on a new treatment for PTSD. This poor Seal Team Guy has been experiencing all sorts of horrible PTSD, causing all sorts of horrible problems. He walked in, had a treatment, and walked out, happier than he had been since before joining the service. There are variations of this treatment, but it's basically shooting very minor electricity at your brain, via a small wand the doc holds. You are not physically touched, and there's a small noise inside. Some people don't get full relief immediately. One variation is in use, although who knows if insurance covers it. The name contains 'transcranial'. I can remember this, but have no idea what I had for breakfast. Or lunch. Or where my keys went. Did I remember to use protection? Will prayer be needed?

The funny thing is that the Seal described some of his major symptoms and I joked that after seeing the list, I must have PTSD. Somebody close, who shall remain nameless (but married me) looked at me as if I were a complete idiot (a look I see often) and said, "Duh - you scream PTSD. Sometimes literally."

Well gee, it would've been nice if at least one of 15 therapists told me this, before they all committed suicide.

• BULLETIN: The Canadian Winter Festival was cancelled due to heavy snowfall.
• The Pennsylvania Winter Festival was cancelled due to cold weather.

It was so cold yesterday...

HOW COLD WAS IT?

It was so cold, I had to run my hands under cold water to warm them up.

It was 7 degrees outside.

The poor dog, who came from down south, has never even heard of this temperature before. She never saw snow til recently. She wants to go back.

It got better later, when it finally hit 13 degrees.

It's not a climate - it's a plague.

• Today I beheld a tool that looked like a small chainsaw that goes on a pole. It looked like it might be fun at parties.
• At least it didn't take up more room than the hedge trimmer in the bathroom.

Dear lefty:

• Quinn Quinones, from Queensland, asks our opinion on climate change.
• Dear Quality: are you out of vegan shampoo again?

Arizona state Representative Gail Griffin(R) proposed a bill to require all computers sold in the state be locked from accessing porn. Users would pay a $20 fee to unlock it, which would go toward The Wall.

• I think the technical term for this is Blithering Idiot
• You cannot regulate access to porn anyway - it's impossible. Too many varied sources, with new ones popping up all the time. This is why filters don't work well.
• I believe regulation of access by the state is a 1st Amendment issue.
• If you build your own computer, will each piece be taxed? Will your video card be taxed more because it allows you to SEE porn? Will your mouse be protected from porn too?

I LIVE IN THE INDIGNATION

I often hear what my wife's watching on tv when I'm in the next room.
Most of the neighborhood can hear what my wife's watching on tv.
The 'news' provided some sickening material recently...  it was largely about viral videos. There is one about a high school kid smirking at an Indian guy and another about a large child dancing shirtless in a stadium.

I'm looking at this from as for above as I can... we are a nation of morons. I've said it before. Frequently. We're fiddling while the country burns. Think about it - we're absolutely fascinated by online videos, to the point it makes the nightly news. This also says something about the news. We are sitting wherever we sit, looking at a huge video site, picking out videos that amuse us. It's like a worldwide sport - all we're missing is Sports Hooligans rioting in the stands, although that would be a viral video too. Everyone's free to do what they want with their time, but we essentially watch Stupid TV to amuse ourselves. We have become fat and lazy, amused by video-lets. Does America riot when taxes are raised or levied? No, we're busy being hypnotized by YouTube, which is the next step from being hypnotized by the Boob Tube.  The people Up Top benefit from this. Less resistance to subjugating the Proles. Our tv's already watch us.

Having said that, YouTube can be an incredible asset: aside from entertainment value, the knowledge passing how-to videos are priceless. Never fixed a dryer before? There's a video for that. Oven's paint peeling? There's a video for that. Car making a noise like a pigeon being strangled? That one's about to be uploaded. Dads dancing, Guitar lessons, how to apply makeup for the cosmetically-impaired. How to dress like a ho and how this celebrity dresses like a ho. People hanging from very tall light poles, during a riot after a Philly team won a championship? It's all there. And viral.

Knock Someone Out for Boxing Day

A nice and considerate new reader pointed out that this blog hurt her eyes (which was only fifty percent of my intention when 'designing' it). That the image of ThermionicEmissions remained emblazoned on her retina, making it difficult to see the next site she went to. This is great news... everyone who leaves this blog will see it in front of them for a short (or long) period of time! If a reader trips and goes down on his eyes, heaven forbid, the image of ThermionicEmissions may be the last thing he sees. Or it might be the only thing he sees for the rest of his life.  Do I need to rethink this?

• One way to introduce invasive new technology is to put it in sports stadiums; where fans have already proved they will swallow humongous ticket prices, fifty dollar parking, regular player strikes, and state money paying for the stadiums. Fingerprint and iris scanners are in place in several stadiums, as a kind of line-bypass, like our friends at the TSA offer pre-screened fliers (and now some stadiums) - because metal detectors and bag checks weren't enough. In addition to identification, this allows tracking of fan behavior and purchasing habits, raking in even more money for the stadiums. To add insult to injury, you will pay $179 for this privilege. Yo, sports fans... bend over... again. It's for the children.

A New York to France flight had to be diverted because the toilets on the 767 were all broken. With all of the in-flight backups airplanes have (all systems in triplicate), in the end it was toilets that grounded the plane. It's shit like this that makes passengers mad.

• Last night was the Kennedy Honors. Among others, the Eagles were celebrated. At one point, Steve Vai joined others for a note-for-note rendition of Hotel California. As much fun as this was, the real attraction was watching the stone-faced Eagles and the outgoing president at times.

This past year has had no shortage of hilarity emanating from California. Guess what... the year isn't over yet! The San Francisco police union is suing the city for the right to choke citizens and kill fleeing drivers, citing the recent overseas attacks where vehicles were used. Because the "new policy will hinder officers' ability protect themselves and the public from killers behind the wheel."

They coulda just said It's for the children. Knowing California, it's a small miracle that they didn't outlaw trucks and cars.

The next piece of legislation will require police to identify lawbreakers and give them a ride home or to a Safe Space of their choosing because we wouldn't want to hurt their feelings or make assumptions as to their race, color, what species they identify as, or sexual orientation.

• As if enough people had not left the planet in 2016 thus far, someone took advantage to hack Britney Spears' Twitter account to post a poorly-worded tweet, allegedly from Sony, that she expired. To back this up, they hacked Bob Dylan's Twitter account to send condolences. And just a few days left in 2016...
• Speaking of death, there is a Kickstarter to raise money for a person to guard Betty White. He will guard her in any way necessary. If Mrs White decides this service is not necessary, all the money donated will go to a designated theater charity. Noting Betty's ability to stay alive thus far, I don't think she'll need any help.

A Tacoma, WA. Cheesecake Factory refused to serve some armed police officers recently. One of the officers posted this to Cheesecake's Faceyspaces page, prompting a statement from Corporate, apologizing for the mixup and blaming it on the restaurant manager's misunderstanding of the policy, which stated that uniformed and armed officers were allowed to possess arms. I guess the manager mixed up allowed to posess arms with not allowed to possess arms. Heh heh, simple mixup anyone could make. It's like celebrity death: Britney Spears is dead. Oh wait, we got that statement mixed up with Britney Spears is not dead. A simple mixup.

• There is a place in Asia called Johor Baru. This is less important that the fact that a man there is seeking a refund for an exorcism, because the exorcist failed to drive off the spirits afflicting his father. Hey, do you suppose we can get refunds for wives and other relatives?

One cannot, and I can't emphasize this strongly enough, eat a steak sandwich with a straw. Along these same lines; no, I don't want to go to the doctor tomorrow to see your ear wax. These were two things that happened today and I am not going to say anything more.

First selfie with found object - 1940