ASSUME NAPPING POSITIONS

 Your love is like  vegan chicken

• I ask for so little, and that's exactly what I get

Today I identify as  a normal guy  

Deep Thoughts 

The best thing about not getting around to putting your Christmas tree up is that you don't have to take it down.

• LibreOffice, the free, open source office suite, will support Klingon in the upcoming release.
• Until you have normal people writing software, this is the sort of thing you'll get. But normal people don't write software, so it's an endless loop.
• If you're going to take the time to author a language based upon a tv character, why not Baywatch? Let's use a little forward thinking.... whenever you think Klingon, you think one of those ugly fellers. If you had used Baywatch... 

Today's Tesla Item

Teen hacker finds bug that lets him control 25+ Teslas remotely

DON'T hook anything to the net or allow any signal outside of the car.

FedEx wants to equip some aircraft with military-style missile countermeasures

Either they're really serious about getting your package there, or incredibly stupid, but well-insured.  They claim the point of this exercise is to destroy anything fired at them (in hostile areas or from hostile customers).

• UPS wants to put those hub spikes on their tires, to shred any other traffic.
• DHL is looking at heat-seeking laser technology for its trucks.
• I want a tank. That's not so unreasonable, is it?
• The White House wants FedEx planes to fly in front of Air Force One.

Doggie Laments 

Marshall was curious about why he didn't have buttocks.

Penny is upset that evolution did not equip her to use a straw, especially after I got that cold coffee drink.

Marshall was very smart: he figured out how to get the lids off the coffee. This did not work well when I was driving. I put the cup down, he removed the lid and went face-down. I put the lid back and he took it off again.

Penny... well.... she's very pretty.

• I just saw the phrase 'famous YouTuber.'
• Now my stomach is upset and I can't go out for fear of emptying it in public
• Andy Warhol is spinning in his grave because there just isn't the time in the world for everybody to get their 15 minutes.

Flying AIDS News 

Body temperature may not be an effective gauge of covid-19

Fourth Pfizer Dose Is Insufficient to Ward Off Omicron, Israeli Trial Suggests

China tells citizens to avoid mail from abroad and open packages with gloves, claiming that Omicron is spreading through foreign post    China wins Best Excuse for Covid award

Pregnant people are still not getting vaccinated against COVID

Pfizer and Moderna expect seasonal booster shots after omicron wave

not tied to earnings - we swear!  

Covid vaccine: Your concerns answered  [BBC]

Doctor loses license, must have psych evaluation for COVID falsehoods, board says       She's a witch - BURN HER!  This is some sick shit here.

Well, since China says the Flying AIDS could come from international mail, we did some more Science to find where else it could come from

• new tissues from Australia
• oil changes
• licking toads
• all varieties of cardboard
• right breasts

Saving Money 

I keep seeing reminders to make sure the fire and smoke detectors are up and working. After 20 years of trying to get Mrs. lefty out of the house, it's apparent that there's no point in having a smoke detector: she will die first, before she even gets to the door...

BZZT BZZT BZZT

FIRE! FIRE!

We have to get out - the house is on fire.

I need my pocketbook.

HURRY UP!

Wait, where did I put my phone?

All they'll find of us is a pile of carbon.

I need a cigarette.

The dog and I are leaving...

What do I wear to a fire? 

We're going out the door!

You stand outside and I'll start throwing shoes.

I read that you don't die from fire - you die first from smoke.

Where's my..... [THUD]

• The airlines and phone industries would like to let you know that the new 5G phone service won't/may/will affect plane altimeters. All the industries have rushed to get ahead of this potential problem (in the press) and have put their best people on it. Thus far they have done exactly nothing.
• After a very large cash payout, the airline industry says how high the plane is isn't really all that important.
• So if one of those large commercial jets seems waaaaay too low over your house, don't worry - at least you have 5G phone coverage.

It's flipping snowing again. I know this because I walked by a window.

This snow in the winter thing must go. Who do I talk to?

There's just too much involved in moving someplace with a real climate, so the Snow Must Go. Final Sale! Up to 90% off!

Because it is snowing, I must assume the weather forecasters said it was going to be sunny. My phone's weather app told me it would snow. I never have to fire well behaved apps. Weather forecasters never get fired.

Unless this was a Noreaster. For some reason, all the stops get pulled out for Noreasters. Even the forecasters aren't completely sure what a Noreaster is, but the coverage on it is 24/7. Bread and milk were sold out days ago, because it might be a Noreaster. I guess one positive thing for some inveterate weather watchers is the greater screen time given to the Large Breasted Weatherlady. What fans of the Large Breasted Weatherlady don't know is that all they see onscreen is her face and her prodigious mammalian protuberances. Below her waist is a pair of buttocks that requires backup beepers. I know some guys are into this, but if she stands in front of your 50" tv, she will block it out like a solar eclipse. Scientists have not spent much time studying the Butt Eclipse and can you blame them? If I worked at NASA, I'd much rather study the Breast Eclipse, wouldn't you?

A friend in Texas said they were reeling from the cold - it was only 60 degrees.

I can't move there - I don't have a pickup truck. Or guns.

Based upon my one trip there, I'd move. The people were frighteningly nice.

And most importantly, the lefty guitar shop is in Houston.

• There are over 100,000 disappeared people in Mexico.
• Long a sacred place, tourism spots now see violence.
• I'd probably avoid a Mexican vacation (unless your relationship isn't going well)

With the Russia-Ukraine dispute heating up, we'd like to tell you there are greater peacemaking operations happening. Dune buggy races on Mars! Any country with a buggy on the red planet is competing. This is what makes humanity great.

There are times......

Cloning my Service Elephant

I've mentioned the Ring doorbell cameras.
So has Amazon: to the police. They gave the police a 'heatmap' of all devices in an area. While the feature was removed, you can be sure that Amazon would never do it again, nor would police expect them to.



You know how some kids were always the last to be chosen in sports? I was that kid.  No, wait, I was next to last. The fat kid was last. The joke was on them because the fat kid knew way more about sports than I did. That was probably a consequence of growing up without a father. I can't blame my mom for not teaching me about sports (even though she still knows more than me to this day).

I played with the neighborhood kids. They gave me the basic idea and I played along. It was fun - we were little kids, we had a huge drive, and it was very hard concrete. My philosophy on sports (philosophy???) is all applied to the one sport I almost liked; bowling. We can face the fact that nobody, except maybe Einstein and famous supercomputers can score, but bowling was good for me: pick up the heaviest round thing* you could find, and throw it as hard as you can toward the white things. You had to knock down as many as possible. I applied this to baseball, tennis, football, and whatever else we played on the concrete. Because I had no fear, public school gym class was.... interesting. I led a strange tribe, called lefty's Lunatics, who jumped over various pieces of equipment, then (here is the important part) landed on their heads. This explains an awful lot, no?

* you have to find a left-handed ball. You think I'm making this up? Nope - it has to be drilled so the left hand can pick it up.

One day the local kids got skates. This was a little foreign to me, plus I didn't have any, so I'd watch. One day I got skates. Needless to say, I wasn't very good at them, probably because I couldn't apply my bowling philosophy to them. It was all I could do to stand. So there I am, in my non-moving state, and I notice the neighborhood smartass coming in my direction, on his skates. So this is the second time I've been on skates and I didn't have the chops to move out of his way. This little bastard was a few years younger, but everyone knew they were going to find dead animals buried in his yard, after they finally pinned the mass murder charges on him.

Think quick, lefty!
I stood there, arm extended, fist closed.
And the little bastard literally punched himself in the nose with my fist.
He went crying to his mommy that I punched him. Can you see me, barely standing there, trying to explain to Mother Mary that The Anointed One ran into ME? This was a good lesson, although I didn't know it at the time. There's always one asshole, who turns out to have a tiny penis and takes it out on the rest of humanity.

The moral of the story?
There is no moral of the story.
The moral is that if you don't like stories without morals, complain in the comments section.
If you like blogs without morals, bookmark this one.



A Dutch politician is facing 3 years in jail for hacking women's iCloud accounts and leaking nudes.   Sure, one politician who finally does something useful, and they want to jail him. We shall need to see the evidence.



I'm thinking of a new career..... . I want to be a Porn Critic. Just like those fancy d00ds and d00dettes in those New York fake news papers and magazines. Go ahead and review the latest Nora Ephron movie - I'll review Nora's Nasty Nuns (God Never Had This in Mind). One of the movies is demonstrably better than the other. I'll let you decide....

If I were one of those snotty reviewers, my entire job would involve writing two words: "Lacks plot."  Being a porn reviewer, who loves the milieu, I can say anything I want and mean it, without being snotty or holier-than-thou.

• While the anal scenes were spot-on, the fisting lacked realism. 
• When the 12 guys abused the hell out of that 5'2" girl, she kept crying, "More! More!" This is the kind of in-your-face moment that had me rewinding to see it again and again.
• No. I refuse. No clowns. A porn reviewer has to have his standards.
• This reviewer has never beheld a movie with such dedication and reverence for the form: of course I'm talking about Greta Does The World. It's the heartwarming story of an (of-age) girl, driving around the world, going around the world. Spreading her message of spreading in many countries. Becoming a world celebrity for f_ckng. It was 90 minutes of pure joy (and countless money shots). Of special mention was the scene where she tried to fsck the entire United States. People argued for and against her message, but her message of love got out, as did many other things. SEE THIS MOVIE.
• Quick review of Barbara's Bouncy Balloons: normally I enjoy any movie with semi-naked women sitting on huge balloons, bouncing, but this one just didn't... finish. The balloons were all wrong, and Barbara had the rhythm of a child with cerebral palsy and the verbal output of someone with Tourette's Syndrome. Avoid.
• Very few movies take women into mind, but here's one: A Hard Man (Is Good to Find). The men were all over 10" and the women vacillated between frightened and wide-eyed with naked lust. Ok, it lacked plot. Ok, it might have been unrealistic in spots. But foreplay went on for 43 minutes per scene. A must-see for women. Men should consider it a training film.

Our good friends over at DHS want facial recognition scans used on Americans, in addition to existing scans on everyone else.  Who could have seen that coming?



Remember?

• computer shows?
• on the steering column gearshifts?
• bright light switch on the floor, under the emergency brake?
• touch tone phones with no # or * key?

"This Entire Century Has Been An Unmitigated March In The Direction Of Stupidity"   @zerohedge

• 5 ways to protect your privacy on Chrome
• Like it or not (I don't), it's the most popular browser, whether by itself or built upon.

Just in case you need surgery, you should know that docs are now consulting YouTube for direction(s).  This means that if you're good at printing fake diplomas, you can be a surgeon too!

• I'm over the moon delighted that this blog has gotten past its 2-6 hits per day, so if I need to feel disappointed, I just check ThermionicMalware, which has 15 hits over its lifetime (ok 2 weeks, but still.....)

Hey, how about that opioid crisis?
Related article: Suicides associated with forced tapering of opiate pain treatments.

• Wife's new acquaintance called six times and texted four times last night.
• I have a strange feeling about this one... some sixth sense tells me it may not work out well.

How to keep a cat off a Christmas tree
Long time readers may remember Ren, our exceedingly intelligent FDU (Feline Destruction Unit). We got him when he was a few weeks old and he was a precocious little bugger. We only had one cat before (Fred) and he was pretty well-behaved, but died early. Ren grew up and grew and grew, to where he was almost as large and 10 pounds shy of Marshall, the wonder-cocker. Ren would torture Marshall, whose main wish was to be an only child. Ren would also hang from under Marshall, yet they'd sometimes nap together. For some reason, Ren was highly antagonized by the xmas tree. We had one that went up in stages.. maybe he wanted a real one, but he would get into it, push off some very expensive baubles, rewire the lights a bit, and eventually disembowel the tree. It became too much of a problem so I decided to meet him halfway: I took just the 12" top section of the tree and hung it from the ceiling, so he couldn't get it. He tried leaping but failed. We won!!!  Well, not really. By later that day, he figured out how to get it off of the ceiling. We lost. No more trees til he left us. Marshall left the trees alone, unless there was food under them.

• Best book title this week: Ask Me About My Uterus
• Best audio title: Bonny Tyler - the RCA Years    Huh? Was there more than one year?
• Best job title: Ethical Hacker.  Ethical?

Dammit, I hate to be serious, but here goes.

You sure picked a bad time to be Catholic.
If I were Catholic, I'd be out for blood (sorry). There's nothing wrong with the religion - it's the Upper Corporate Administration. Never mind all the secrecy, the trillions in goodies in vaults, and the politics.. they allow and turn a blind eye to pedophilia. This is not acceptable (notice my gentle phrasing, which you don't see often here). This 'secret' has been out in the open for God knows how many years, yet nothing is done.

Pope Francis has accepted the resignation of Buffalo bishop Richard Malone following reports that he kept a secret binder full of the names of accused priests in a closet in his office.

It's so far out in the open, it might as well be featured on a Kardashians show. This is enough proof for anyone, yet nothing will be done.
I'd like to suggest that Catholics, who are innocent of this, jettison the corporate structure. Find different places of worship. Let the collection plate go empty. Most importantly, call for a legal investigation into these evil practices. One child abused is one too many.

Isn't it time?



The good news: NASA satellite found India's Moon lander
The bad news: AAA does not send tow trucks to the Moon.




Heroes of the Stupid

L.A.'s Head of Homelessness resigned after a 33% increase in people sleeping on the streets.  They expected him to hit at least 50%.

Kamala Harris is out of the democratic race for president. If she continued, she'd have to spend her own money. I'm serious.



SJWery

One huge drawback of nuclear power is that it doesn't dismantle systems of oppression - it only produces clean energy.   Next up: how air is racist


I left Greta Thunberg alone. The situation needed to simmer a bit. And sure enough, it germinated and grew an SJW:

After all, the climate crisis is not just about the environment. It is a crisis of human rights, of justice, and of political will. Colonial, racist, and patriarchal systems of oppression have created and fueled it. We need to dismantle them all.


San Diego State University launched an online portal for reporting incidents that include "messages of bias."  They also launched a "free speech" website, where students can learn about their First Amendment rights.  Strangely, there are some clashes between the two.

Operation Dirty Navel

Philly denizens are in a bad place (besides Philly).
We're coming up on three days in a row without rain. This tends to confuse the hell out of the people, who run outside, sometimes frolicking, without jackets. To add to the confusion, it's 20 degrees outside, causing frostbite on unfortunate body parts and setting off a mass flu epidemic.

Pennsylvania: the state bird is a cloud

• Faceyspaces fined $11m in Italy for misleading users about how their data will be used. They're unhappy that the account defaults are set at the most invasive, and that features are opt-out, not opt-in.
• Heh heh heh, Faceyspaces. You know they're feeling that $11m hit. That's a lunch bill.

A second major bug in Google+ is hastening its demise.

Google: It's ok, we have your data.

• Bravo to the city of North Bend, OR. They managed to get infected with ransomware demanding $50k and did not pay because they had everything backed up and could restore it.

If you're unfortunate enough to use Twitter, you get promoted tweets. This is another phrase for advertisement. Why does a jeweler advertise to technical people (professional geeks)? This is all part of my Mess with the Metrics campaign.

Dear lefty

• Rita Aaaaaah of Lincoln, Lincolnshire, asks why is your heater so small?
• Dear Small: you should have your dreams analyzed. 

We are headed up to The Holidays, as one would expect in December.

A long time ago, I moved into my house. It was a time to make my own traditions, starting with decorations. I bought one of those Charley Brown Christmas trees, about 2' tall and fake as they came. It took a while and some interesting hook techniques, but I eventually had the only tree in the neighborhood, possibly the state, with floppy disks, CDs, and vacuum tubes hanging from it. Wish I had the pics. Now that I'm married we have either a large fake tree with dog ornaments or nothing, because we can't quite get it together to put one up. Aren't you lucky that I still get the blog updated?

• For some reason I don't even want to know, Wife watches Wendy. She says she can't believe Wendy has been on for ten years. I say I can't believe Wendy has been on for ten minutes.

College Hijinks

A small group of male students are attempting to remove porn from their colleges: this started in Notre Dame, and migrated to Georgetown, Harvard Princeton, and the University of Pennsylvania.  When they say 'get rid of porn', they mean install a porn filter on the school's WIFI.  I think they should start urine testing.

The Great Porn Panic of 2018.

This is sick. 

Does it sound familiar? It should... 

The Great Alcohol Panic.

The Great Marijuana Panic.

The War on Drugs.

Baron von Frankenstein - pitchforks and torches

Society has an annoying tendency to cycle. This isn't seriously different from other panics, past or present. What they all have in common is one loud group attempting to control the behavior of others.  If you have a problem with porn, don't go to porn sites. Stop trying to tell everyone where they can and can't go. 

You're going to be shocked by this, but most of the people and groups pushing for a ban are religious. This is in spite of studies' inability to link porn with the bugaboos the religious claim.  These throwback zealots give religion a bad name. Perhaps their time would be better spent doing good in their communities.

This would be an incredible teaching moment for the schools. "We are not going to censor what you can access and here's why...." Of course if they did this, there would be SJW Rioting, the likes of which we haven't seen since conservative speakers attempted to speak on campus. Oh yeah, a loud group attempting to control what students have access to.

• But it IS Christmas, when the fancy of all young men turns to sex and guitars. 'Turns to' is a little misleading, as young men think about sex and guitars ALL the time. Or is it just me?
• Not that it matters - my toys are way too expensive.
• Although I found a great deal the other day: only $15,000 for a lefty 1958 Stratocaster. It's really cheap because someone refinished it. I told Wife I will gladly live with the refinish because this is such a great deal, and I saved her tens of thousands of dollars. Fortunately she learned a long time ago to humor me.

Emergency Update:

Three students at the University of Pennsylvania have attempted to get horseradish mustard banned from campus.

Are they allergic?

No, they just don't like it and think no one else should be able to eat it either.

Dear lefty

• Long time reader (2 weeks) Rita Ummmmm, of Bristol, PA, and Bristol, UK, asks why this blog is so ugly.
• Your opinion is very valuable to us: hold your breath while we fix the ugly.

Hollywood has stuck again: this time with the fourth version of A Star is Born. Add ten more and they'll be in competition with Rocky. They will.

The original featured Boris Karloff (because everything during those years featured Boris Karloff), and one of those black and white actresses. The second featured Barbara Streisand and Jimmy Stewart, as Rollo. The third featured Barbara Streisand and Kris 'Kris' Kristofferson, as Kris.

The latest fiasco features Barbara Streisand and Lady Gaga, as Steve. It has already won several "You're F-ing Kidding Me" awards, plus some other award with a statue.

Little known fact: The latest fiasco was supposed to be called A Star is Porn, but the University of Pennsylvania protested and mailed a white powdery substance to Harvey Weinstein (who wasn't involved with the picture). 

In other Hollywood non-news, Transformers is back for the 43rd time, rivaling Rocky. They have cleverly left 'Transformers' out of the name, hoping people won't think a huge yellow thing that turns into a small yellow Volkswagen has anything at all to do with Transformers. Harvey Weinstein's only question was were there any little boys in it.

• Definition: fireplace - a hole in the bricks that sucks all heat out of your house.

The always on the ball ticket agency wants to know if I'd like to become a member of the Slayer fan club.  Dammit... if I weren't busy chewing razorblades, I'd jump on that sweet deal.

• I saw some kid with a mullet the other day. It's just as funny now as it was ten years ago. Now, back to man buns.

While you're out gift shopping, make sure you pick up a pair of Purple brand headphones. They feature unlimited playback time, due to their battery-free design.

This is brilliant. This is also a real commercial.

• The new Chevy Econo features unlimited heat, due to its air conditioner-less design.
• Google's new Mega 3.57 phone features incredible savings on airtime, due to its tendency to completely fall apart in the user's hand.
• Not to be outdone, Samsung's S33.47q features almost unlimited battery time, due to the fact that you can't turn it on.

Say - what do the blog stats look like, lefty?
They look like a real f-ing nightmare in comparison with every other blog on the planet. This is actually a good thing.... Firefox is the biggest browser (62%), linux is the biggest operating system (67%), and there are 98 people who visit from somewhere that even Google can't identify. Oh yeah, I generate 34% of the traffic myself.

• It's holiday time and sadly, the singing Amazon boxes are back.  Mental health advocates worldwide are lodging complaints. The commercials cause two reactions: murder and medicine (raise the dosage).

At some point in the year we have National Mental Health Day.
Christmas has to be one of the saddest days of the year for people suffering from loss, loneliness, depression, and too many people trying to talk to them, rather than emailing. Please do a true good deed this season and check in on people who could use it.

Also make sure to shoot any of those bell-ringers outside stores. Do it for the children.