Penis Migraine

 Your love is like  colon polyps

Today's Olympic News: to save money, teams ordered to use same balls for all sports

• Ya know those black stripes on the back of your credit cards?
• Mastercard will be phasing them out. 
• They plan to go with either a chip on the card or a chip in your forehead

Audi is coming out with a shape-shifting car. It has a self-driving mode and expands 10" in that mode.

Megan Fox not available as an option. 12" not available as an option. Audi should check with Tesla on self-driving mode.

Today I identify as  one of those nifty cups that keep hot liquids hot and cold liquids cold

• Secret terrorist watchlist with 2 million records exposed online
• Department of Defense believes it is no longer secret
• it had no password on it 

Hive ransomware attacks Memorial Health System, steals patient data

They had to go back to paper.

$25 million contract to teach people how to use pencil and paper still cheaper than ransom 

• everybody's second favorite social media joke, Twitter, found it imperative to hire a design firm to redesign itself. The design was causing headaches. Now the redesign will get a redesign.
• if they really want Twitter to stop causing headaches, they should take it down several times a week

In Cambridgeshire, England, a sinkhole was reported at The Butts Street

making it The Butts Hole 

• Faceyspaces continues its ban on Taliban-related content
• can't read the language 

Updated Flying AIDS booster news  

Prediction: in January, you will need a booster for the booster

It's been days since my last Collision Repair Limbo update. Like two.

Not only is the collision repair in limbo, any updates from collision repair are in limbo.

It turns out that the entire collision repair industry goes on vacation from June to May, or any time I need a collision repair. 

This has been a complete nightmare. Every. Single. Part. The one non-explosive event was that the Backup Car stopped hating Mrs. lefty. This car had it out for her. Every time she took it out, it would make strange noises, which inevitably got her pulled over by the police. After a while, they got used to it and stopped pulling her over. It would cough, spit, and bark, and this was before she started it. She would get warning lights that we didn't know we had. None of them appeared in the manual. One of them looked like a sheep. Then I'd get in the car and it would be fine, except I'd get pulled over just for fun. So anyway, the car has been very nice to her. Except for the hatch thing. None of us can figure out how to get it open. We looked inside for a release, under the plate, hidden under various spots in the body, under the back, and in the basement. Nothing. I remember one night, when my dad was an awful lot more vertical than currently, there were four of us, all trying to get it open. My brother finally succeeded, but no one saw him do it and he can't remember. Dad won't answer our pleas for info. RIP Dad. And by the way, do you remember how to get the hatch up?

Always an enjoyable email from Renterprise, lowest of the low, in where they charged my insurance for whatever some idiot did to the rental. There is a $100 service charge. Renterprise has a service charge for talking to you, handing you the keys, returning the keys, checking to see if you left the correct amount of gas, and seeing that there are at least 4 tires on the vehicle. Judging by the $998 total, there is a $1,000 maximum insurance payout. We know smoke starts to appear when I walk past an Apple store - Renterprise will be added to the list. They're so slimy, you have to shower after dealing with them.

• the Philly transit agency (SEPTA) installed bench seats at weird angles. Once it got out, people claimed it was to deter the homeless from sleeping on the flat seats or benches. No, no, SEPTA said - it was for COVID spacing. Sure it was. We swear.

I noticed the lady across the street coming home from food shopping. She has 2 bags. She has a family of 5.  When Mrs. lefty comes home from food shopping, I have to surrender my lunch hour to bring the bags in. It must be the Pupperoni, I dunno. I just file it in the humongous accordion file of stuff I don't understand and it's better not to ask. Like her cane. We call it the Attack Cane. It pops out of her hand all the time. If she's not using it, it will attack whoever walks by it, by falling onto them. We bought a bottom piece to keep it stable: it fell over. She puts on the wrist strap: the cane trips her. Fscking thing is deadly.

I had a small bit of sandwich left over from lunch. I figured it was pretty harmless, why not give it to Penny? Wife stopped me and told me to break it up. No, it's processed turkey, she'll have no trouble breaking it up. "But she thinks she's getting more when you break it up." ---> file of stuff I don't understand and it's better not to ask.  Funny, though... she napped the entire day. I thought about this when I was making the sandwich. Then I looked down and BOOM - there she was, my Canine Assistive Device (CAD). She never misses the chance to be of assistance when things are being made in the kitchen. My Canine Assistive Device does not have the prestige of those other dogs that blind or seizure people have. 

• So Afghanistan fell to the Taliban, no great surprise. But there's one poor dude who just didn't get the memo. A British college student claims he went to Afghanistan for the weekend and got stuck.
• he was working on a business plan... an Afghanistan travel agency. Come to Afghanistan for vacation, stay for life! Afghanistan: see how the other half lives. Afghanistan: have you ever really MET the Taliban?
• He never really finished his vacation, which also included Yemen, Iraq, and Syria.

Speaking of Afghanistan, the Special Inspector General for Afghanistan documented our failure for 12 years, but nobody listened.

"It's like Vietnam, but more recent"

OnlyFans just put its SFW app on iOS/Android, as it tries to shake its adult image

They expect to get a lot of traffic to both of the non-adult pages.

CSI: New Jersey

 Your love is like  xxx parmesan, left out in the sun for 3 weeks

Amazon’s Plan to Track Worker Keystrokes: A Sign of Controls to Come?

It's been days since the last report of Amazon's somewhat draconian effort to watch their workers. Today's is keystroke logging. This is where every single keystroke is recorded so Amazon can see what you typed. This is more a malware tool than workplace spying. 

Amazon will not stop there, no sir. It's cooking up some more schemes to monitor its workforce

• bathroom scales and timers, to monitor your input, output, and time spent producing it
• time spent not typing
• audio monitors to hear if you're talking to someone too much - AI to figure out who 
• rabid dobermans to monitor you making sounds and getting up too much
• urethral and anal catheters, to avoid nasty bathroom breaks....

Today's Olympic News: the Russian ladies ballet team was accused of beating up the Dallas Cowboys, as well as spying on all the other teams.

Apple defends iPhone photo scanning, calls it an “advancement” in privacy

Nazis defend concentration camps, calling them an "advancement" in fighting antisemitism

Biden administration defends multi-billion dollar tax hike as "advancement" in allowing people to keep their own money

Today I identify as  a 767, hijacked to Nebraska

• We'd just like to say hello to whoever now owns Afghanistan; probably the Taliban
• in 20 years of American deaths and payments to the Military Industrial Complex, nothing has changed

Collision limbo

I expected this part of the aggravation to be the least aggravating. This just goes to show you that the glass is always half empty, even if you decide to go with the half full explanation. They were in touch weekly, hence my ease with the process. Only now do I realize that they're just like the rest of the people we've dealt with lately, only they hired a very friendly phone representative to call me and tell me things are going well and on time. Only he stopped calling and giving me Finished By dates when we got two weeks beyond them. The last excuse was someone ordered or delivered the wrong parts, and somebody had to learn Swahili to get the parts exchanged.

This only makes me wonder what the next problem will be, because you know everything that happens to us will only become a struggle and wind up in limbo. 

"Oh gee, yah, we're really sorry, but we only have 3 tires on the car right now. We had to reorder the 4th tire because they sent us three car tires and one farm tractor tire, which winds up being a few feet taller than the actual car. We can install it temporarily, if you want, but you'll probably get pulled over by the police, because your tire obstructs 100% of the view on that side of the car. On the positive side, you'll never get caught in mud or snow.

I shiver to think of what would happen if I had to take the car in for a broken heater knob....

Dealer: Well, we fixed the heater knob - it was just a fuse

ME: a fuse for a knob?

Dealer: happens all the time. However....

ME: however?

Dealer: when the heater knob broke, it sent a spike up the electrical system and fried the car's brain.

ME: does that make my car... brainless?

Dealer: so brainless, it could work in DC

ME: and how long is THIS going to take?

Dealer: no prob, mon, we do this all the time. Should be a few weeks to six months maximum.

ME: SIX MONTHS?

Dealer: yeah, your car is special. It takes longer. Plus the chip shortage has hurt us all. Might even push it out to a year.

ME: I've owned the car for 2 years, of which I've driven it 3 months.

Dealer: yeah, that's how it works sometimes.

ME: hey, ya know that large check I'm giving you?

Dealer: yes.

ME: It could take 6 months to a year.

Dealer: Oh, here comes your car now. All done!

• the Feds seized thousands of fake vaccination cards
• it's great that the Flying AIDS has created income for so many - first Big Pharma, now fake jab cards

Tropical Storm Henri could be forming in an atmosphere near you. So far 16 countries have come together and refused to participate in storms until they're given proper names.

• President Giveaway II has boosted the food stamp benefits 25%, the largest increase in history
• Lovely. High unemployment benefits and nobody works. Will high food stamps cause people to stop eating? 

Couple caught having sex on Bondi beach cliff top in front of shocked sunbathers during Sydney lockdown

Now this is how you celebrate the Flying AIDS! Knowing Australia, they were thrown in jail and will never be seen again.

 The U.S. government has opened a formal investigation into Tesla’s Autopilot partially automated driving system after a series of collisions with parked emergency vehicles.

What could Teslas have against parked emergency vehicles? Are they just flouting authority? When will they start catching fire and exploding? Teslas are good at catching fire and exploding.

Surprisingly enough, Tesla is being demonized for its autopilot; not because of crashes (it's not supposed to be used as a true driverless car), but because it doesn't spank the idiot drivers enough when they treat it like a driverless car.  In other news, the Biden administration has decreed all forks produced from 2021 on must have engraved on them: WARNING - DO NOT STICK IN EYE.

• The Cure Bassist Simon Gallup Announces Departure From Band
• took 40 years to realize band's output was ....  bad 

At a certain point in my musical development, I developed a very large, very loud amplifier called a Marshall. It was 50 watts (British watts are louder than American watts) (no they're not) and had four 12" speakers. This was legendary for me and loud for my parents. As soon as I got going, I'd hear TURN IT DOWN. 

But Mom, the Marshall tube amp sounds better the louder you turn it up, due to the even-order harmonic distortion and power sag from the output tubes.

Mom was sympathetic, as she had to put up with me all my life, but it wasn't entirely relevant to her.

It was completely irrelevant to my idiot neighbor, who called the police. What could we expect from someone who painted their concrete steps? The nice policeman also failed to understand my electronic explanation of why the amp sounded better louder, so I explained using his toaster. It turned out he largely didn't care, and told us if he had to come back, he'd be upset.

  *this was a common Philly Police trick - intimidate the victim

Mom asked the policeman if the very large police station had any practice facilities for bands with loud amplifiers, also failing to impress the fine fellow.

Years went by. My brothers grew up. 

I got louder.

Now I pass cars that make my car vibrate with their sound systems. Without thinking, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is, "TURN THAT NOISE DOWN."

G-bus, I have become my parents.

Could be much worse...

• 80% of Pennsylvanians have received 1st dose of Flying AIDS vaccine.
• said the CDC, throwing around more random numbers 

So I'm sitting in the lefty office, feeling like Advanced Death, when the dog stops by. I'm impressed that she's sitting with me, trying to guard me. Until her mom walks upstairs, then she's off like a shot. 2nd place is better than last, I guess.

RIP Duane, Berry, Butch, and Greg

Cold Pop Tarts with a Warm Service Elephant

 Your love is like  watching Dr. Phil Drew Oz

• Remember: It's not art til I say it's art

You all know that dream, right? The one where you're in front of the entire school, without your pants? Apparently Glaxo Pfizer does too. In the commercial for their diarrhea pill, the entire band is onstage, then the singer has to run off to do some 'offstage singing'. The band stands there, touching themselves and waiting for the singer to come back so they can start playing. Life imitates art-art imitates life.

I actually had this happen to me, on the radio.

The singer was occupying a stall, which is great, when you have to. Unfortunately, the rest of us were waiting, counting down the seconds of a commercial, until we were to go live on a morning radio show. Fortunately for us, he made it with 3 seconds to spare. Maybe he shoulda taken one of those pills.... just sayin...

Stuff like that used to happen to us frequently, by which I mean a certain band member wasn't entirely with the plan. One guy would leave his wallet at gigs. Another, his pants. It's ok- he would change first. We would often have to have colleges send back his pants. Sometimes asking them to mail back pants was more fun than performing there. 

In an old band, a keyboardist walked off the stage in the middle of a song, to the bathroom. This was not normal behavior for band members, even my band members. I hoped he was ok, because he was a nice guy, and mostly because I couldn't play keyboards. Fortunately he returned. Unfortunately he had the sniffles. Not cold sniffles, induced sniffles. There was still some powder on his nose.

We used to do a lot of clever and up to date political material. We played at Princeton and were astounded when they loved us and turned our 30 minute set into over an hour. We realized we had to play for people with brains, which left out 96% of our audiences. The next gig was way up in Rhode Island. It's not like these folks weren't Princeton-level, but instead of laughing, they clapped along with the music, as if we were a band. And wore dirty white shirts.

So as long as we said penis a lot, they laughed. And poop, which is why we need those pills, so we weren't naked onstage.

When Joe Biden was informed of the MAGA rally, he immediately stood up and gave an impassioned speech. In the dark. Naked. 

The Secret Service is changing its mission. Instead of protecting the president from us, they're protecting us from the president. Kamala will do all the public speaking. If Joe tries, the Secret Service will surround him and cart him off, promising him he can fondle some constituents.

Today I identify as  Ed Gein's lampshade

I need help.

Of course you need help, you say.

Not that kind of help, thank you.

At some point in the day, in my office, I sometimes get tired. I've tried more coffee, which is usually the antidote for most things, but it doesn't work. I start nodding, while working. While this isn't explicitly frowned upon (and I have seen it when I used to work at the office), I don't like it. While napping is also not explicitly frowned upon (the lady who used to lay back in her chair and snore loudly is no longer there. She got promoted.), I'd rather not. At that point, it becomes a game of Try to Keep lefty Awake. I can sleep while standing, so that doesn't help. Someone suggested exercise, but I don't exercise (because it causes cancer). Eating sometimes helps, but if I ate when tired, I'd look like one of those hotties from My 600lb Life. At this point, it becomes self-abuse. No, not the kind you do in the bathroom. Snapping a rubber band against myself, hitting myself with a hammer, popping Mrs lefty's bra strap, driving small nails into my leg, phony threats to the White House, that sort of thing. Here's the weird part....  the moment I clock out, I'm wide awake. I like my job. There are many things to do. I even stopped harassing HR (although they keep inviting me back).

I read about a power nap, which is 20 minutes. This is just silly... there is no power in a 20 minute nap. In fact, all the other naps laugh at it because it isn't long enough, just like all your coworkers will laugh at you for sleeping at work. A 40 minute nap is a sleep cycle - I can do that on my back. But we just wake up, wanting more, which is why this is an Intermediate Power Nap. If you lay there for an hour or 2, that is some serious napping, yessir.  Plus your reputation at work will be well worth it. This Ultra Mega Nap will refuel your engines and is highly recommended if you don't like your job. The only downside of this type of nap is that you won't be tired at bedtime, and will wind up taking it out on those closest to you, like your spouse. This can fail spectacularly.

So I keep asking me why I am no longer tired. Perhaps after 5 I'm Stealth Tired - I'm tired but just don't know it. Since I have no answer, I nap, just in case. The public school system does not go into napping, which is but 1 of its many shortcomings. 

• The CEO of Waymo says building driverless cars is harder than rocket science.
• their internal motto is Mow em Down  

I'm a simple man. A simply complex man. A complexly non-simple man. A man who should get on with this thought ASAP...

We love our phones.. most of us. The thing we don't love is spam, specifically the calls. The worst are the calls where the phone numbers are spoofed with your prefix (if your number is 215-512-4555, the calls show up as 215-512-xxxx).  Yesterday I watched one spoofer try over ten numbers. Each was blocked and my phone never rang. I was deliriously happy (it doesn't take much). 

Yes, it's the little things.

Mainstream or Pr0n: Suggestible You, I Suck at Table Games, Made in Bangladesh, The Idolm@ster Cinderella Girls

As it expands to 12 more states, Comcast data cap is blasted by Congress.

You know me - business shouldn't be interfered with.

However, Comcast got into cities with sweetheart deals, so there would be little or no competition. We have some of the most expensive cable in the world for this reason.

• Verizon delayed its decision to shut down their 3G network.
• Probably because their 4G and 5G networks are so flaky.

Dell's new monitors come with a dedicated Teams button. If you're too lazy to push it, you can use the built in mic and Cortana.

Dell starts with D. Know what else starts with D? Drugs.

• The Grammys have been moved back to March due to Flying AIDS fears. 
• Now you can wait til March to say Why does anybody watch this shit?

Conflict has made Afghanistan an unlikely tourist destination. 

Tourism in Afghanistan? Only the CIA visits Afghanistan. And way too many of our troops, but not for tourism.

Come to Afghanistan for the Realistic War Noises, Stay for the Poppies

• With the historic election in Georgia, the New York Post's main story is Kim and Kanye splitting up. Are you starting to get it yet? At least mainstream media used to pretend it was relevant. Now all the pretense has been dropped.
• Meanwhile, Wendy has gone live until the crisis passes.

In yet another twitter apology, someone mentioned 'the privilege of not living an an abusive family.' Do you think Victim Culture has perhaps gone too far? Your uncommon and very unfortunate happenings do not confer privilege upon me. I sure as hell feel horrible for the victims and their families, but I do not enjoy the privilege of not being murdered. You?

That Flying AIDS vaccine?

The Moderna vaccine was developed with federal (our) dollars, then we get charged $15 per dose, x 2 doses. Initially Moderna wanted $32-37, then it got shamed down to $25-27, then shamed to a final price of $15 per. Pfizer did not take federal money and charges $19.50 per.

Someone recently lamented the time it will take to vaccinate all of our area. Mrs lefty piped right up and said no problem, they can have hers. How can you possibly argue with a woman like that (in spite of her taste in men)?

The CDC said severe allergic reactions to Flying AIDS vaccines are extremely rare. They also said everyone gets cotton candy and a $20 bill with their shot.

Here's something you don't see every day: liquid glass discovered as new state of matter.  Also discovered: Mexican food farts, which differ from regular farts. Vegetarian farts, which differ from Mexican food farts. Frog in a Blender (guacamole). 

Amazon, paragon of virtue and leader in fair treatment of its employees, will direct $2 billion in loans and grants for affordable housing near 3 cities where it employs thousands of workers. This is quite fair, and a real public relations coup. The only quibble is in definitions:

• Affordable housing: under $2 million per house in California
• Near 3 cities: within 160 miles, with no public transportation or public bathrooms
• $2 billion in loans and grants: $1.95 billion in high-interest loans, $.05 billion in grants
• Grants: loans

Jeff Bezos is so phenomenally wealthy, his ex-wife wants to marry him again. 

Then divorce him again.

SJW Simplitude 

How schools can reduce excessive discipline of black students.

"The line of supposed troublemakers skews black and male."

Wait, let me step in with a wild guess: because the troublemakers were black and male? Also notice that no notice was paid to reducing excessive discipline of male students.

I used to do this - I wound up with huge dental bills. But I never wound up putting that look on women...

Don't Fart in Church - it Keeps Me Awake

Here's a smartphone app to detect credit card skimmers on ATMs and gas stations.

And you told me there was no such thing as a butt plug hacker.

If you have an iDevice, you may be infected. I'm not kidding.

Do you use Chrome browser? A neato bug is causing a fix to be rushed.
This raises many questions: which browsers are also affected because they're Chrome-based? Chrome is based on the open-source Chromiun, which is probably affected. Many popular browsers are built on Chrome. Don't use Chrome - it's a goog product



BREAKING: President Trump wants to buy Greenland.
I have to question the intelligence behind this.. can't we buy a country with a decent climate?

We're at least 22 trillion in debt; why are we talking about buying a country?
I'll tell you why...


Top 10 Reasons to Buy Greenland

1. Because it's there
2. Asked how he found America, John Lennon said, "Just turn left at Greenland." Imagine how much easier it would be now.
3. How about those Kardashians?
4. Keep the military home from Afghanistan fresh - they can just take it.
5. We can change its name to Booger.
6. Send California there.
7. It's half the cost of Iceland per square foot.
8. Even the trade imbalance with Denmark. (Denmark owns Greenland)
9. Zero Population Growth - who wants to do it where the temperature never goes above 50 degrees (17 grams centigrade)?
10. Are you f-ing kidding me?

Dear lefty

• How do you categorize people?
• It all comes down to cocktail or tartar sauce on seafood.

Up to 10% of Texas drivers are uninsured or underinsured.
Philly: Don't be a pussy - we're at 50% on a good day.

Pennsylvania ranked 18th on the top friendliest states.
Its neighbor, New York, ranked last. Very close was its other neighbor, New Jersey.  Imagine if they ranked cities.... Camden, Manhattan, North Philly (scene of the recent shooting).

• Every now and then I find a particularly interesting piece. The parrots want to tell us something. The ones that aren't dead parrots, of course.

This study shows handler beliefs affect scent detection dog outcomes.
Now explain that to the policeman.

• Here's a little light reading on the CIA mind control experiments. Yes, the Manchurian Candidate is non-fiction.

When you see an airplane on tv, how can you tell it's a commercial?
The people look comfortable and the refreshment trolley takes up less than half the aisle.





The British are a Riot

Insipred by the riots in Hong Kong, the British have decided to take up rioting (on a limited basis, if that's ok).

They urge caution, so most will be protesting at home. Some of the more brave Britons will protest online. The bravest promise to leave their homes, slowly, but can't agree on a suitable venue to air their grievances. The riot had to be postponed four times, because of a series of meetings to figure out what their grievances ARE.

The novice rioters are urged to start with small steps, such as grumbling in public. The more intrepid rioters are going to get Really Serious, with a series of strongly worded emails. If you are leaving your house for the riot, practice in small increments: take two steps, say, "We just cannot have that sort of thing here," then run back inside. You will be ready for full revolt in only a few years' time.

The brave rioters staying home are urged to march in step with the people actually attending the riot (both of them). The riot will be televised, but you're out of luck if you haven't paid your licence fees.

The grievance committee also has to approve signs for the rioters. Suggestions thus far run the gamut from "Oi" to "Man United or Death!" to "I am strongly against this sort of thing." The political subcommittee has also approved "Fuck Trump" signs. Although there is no specific relevance, it has become fashionable to carry them. The Boris Balloon has been rejected because the Chinese are too busy rioting to complete it on time.

The largest hurdle facing the Brits is that they have to be taught how to riot. History shows they're not very good at it, unless there's an interruption in the flow of tea or Eastenders. When advised rioting includes things like not showering, being rude, and flouting authority, the grievance committee decided on a more nuanced approach: postponing the riot indefinitely and holding more meetings.

• Police in England carry a device that lets them check if car windows are tinted too darkly.  From tinted windows to people saying bad words, you're protected.

Headline: A man suspected of planning an ISIS-style knife attack in New York is in jail today, courtesy of the FBI.

Real Story: some incompetent boob was nurtured and encouraged by the FBI, then 'caught' right before committing the act.  This happens so many times, your first instinct when you hear FBI should be 'they set up another one.'




Heroes of the Stupid

Lindsey Graham is advocating for a peace deal in Afghanistan.
Yay!
His only prerequisite is that US troops are allowed to continue fighting.
Ummm....


A South African bank says that password managers play a useful role but cautions against the use of them for your bank account.

'Hundreds of thousands' of users are still using compromised passwords - worse still, they're using those same passwords for multiple different sites.


Jed Foster (20) is in court for the murder of policeman Andrew Harper. He says he's not guilty - he wasn't even there. He did not drag the policeman under the car.  The policeman was not married for only 10 months. Foster wasn't even in the country on that date. In fact, he was on the moon on whatever date he allegedly killed someone. He couldn't have been there because he denies being born. This should be an interesting trial.


Elizabeth Warren gave a speech in front of Native Americans, where she apologized for claiming she was part Native American. She is actually African American.




SJW Situations

[Twitter @PaulLeeTicks]
As much as a monster as Ted Bundy was, just keep this in mind: Ted Bundy killed 30 people, over a span of 4 years. Whereas Donald Trump is responsible for the mass murder of 31 people - in just one weekend.

I'm a little bit country... and she's a little bit rock and roll...

Harvey Irma Jose

Feeling under the weather, I decided rest was indicated. Anyone with all but the most acute powers of observation will not be able to tell the difference between Rest Mode and Non-Rest Mode. My neighbor felt sorry for me and decided to begin a large, noisy, external home improvement project. The banging was quite accomplished, but the loud machinery really drove the point home. Somehow they even managed to produce a loud noise that sounded like they were hammering chains into my walls, for what seemed like weeks, but in reality was just every hour I was awake.

Next day was much better. They waited til I was awake to start (7am). At certain points I felt my house literally shake, as if they were performing surgery on my house instead of next door. One day I'm likely to look out the window and find out what they're doing.  I have cataloged many separate and delightful noises emanating from this project: the Mowing Noise, the Pick on Concrete Noise, the Sledge into Bricks Noise, the Entire House Shaking Noise, and the Repeated BOOM Noise, which only surfaced when I used the phone.

Just for fun, there's a lot of noise coming from the other next door.  Both of my neighbors are elderly: the one who Marshall trained to feed him treats, and the one Satan crosses the street to avoid.

• Once again, a hurricane brought out the best and worst of humanity. Irma hit Florida with a vengeance and long before it hit, the volunteers were out, manning the help lines and trying to get help from more volunteers in the field.
• While the flood of volunteers manned the lines, an army of trolls did their best to interrupt communications. I have never heard anything like this before- with every request for help was one of these young miscreants, yelling obscenities and racist comments. This was completely unlike Hurricane Harvey communications. Maybe the Troll Alarm was sounded, and all the poisonous examples of subhumanity left their caves.
• All through the communications, there were less toxic examples of humanity, who wanted information on the weather, gas, and store openings in their personal neighborhood. These people were genetically incapable of using a search engine to check the information for themselves.
• Comcast and another local provider opened up their wifi hotspots and brought in mobile hot spots, allowing everyone unlimited access.
• People were posing as the electric company and robbing houses.
• While the storm was in its early stages, the looting started. One must note the can-do American spirit of the looters, who got out there, without consideration for life and limb, in the wind and rain, to steal things from other people. To feed their hungry families by stealing sneakers. To protect large screen tv's by taking them home.

Wife comes down the steps, says, "You're going to think I'm crazy" and disappears into the bathroom.  Ok, I'll play...

• Billions of Bluetooth-enabled devices are vulnerable to attacks across all operating systems. Google and Microsoft have released patches. I got a linux patch already. iOS before 10 is affected. Samsung smart watches, Smart TVs, and refrigerators also... This is Serious Stuff<tm>, people. Best practice is to keep Bluetooth turned off except when you must have it. Antivirus systems are unlikely to catch it. The beauty of this is that it shows us how unprotected we are and how manufacturers are unprepared to patch all their devices. The only positive here is that Bluetooth has a limited range, so it's more difficult to exploit.  Bother your vendors for a patch now.

Over in Afghanistan, three people died as a result of a suicide bomb blast in a cricket stadium. I told you sports are dangerous.

• The entitled are out again, this time demanding statues of people they don't like be taken down. And localities are acquiescing.
• My Demands:
• Being left-handed, I demand all statues of right-handed people be taken down. And that we get proper desk chairs in schools.
• I am also entitled to have statues taken down because I never got a statue taken down and others have.
• I want the Rocky Statue taken down because it's stupid and it's Philly's idea of culture.

Whither Kaprinsky: Kaspersky Antivirus (Kaprinsky or Kasper Sky, according to the Great Minds at my former employer) is up against the wall these days. The government has been ordered to replace it within ninety days because of alleged connections between Kaspersky and the FSB (formerly KGB). While no definitive connection has been established, the fear is that the FSB can request/compel them to provide data on systems 'protected' by it. Kaspersky has been given the opportunity to address the issues.

My natural inclination is to hold the phone until a connection is proven, but in the interests of safety, maybe this is a wise decision. Antivirus has privileged access to your files and operating system, so it would be a good way to obtain (or leave) data or programs. On the other hand, hackers are no doubt already in government (and other) systems. Having worked with quite a number of antivirii on a corporate level, I can safely say the all suck, in terms of deployment and operation. Best Buy will not be carrying it either.

• The new iDevice includes facial recognition, although I'm told it didn't work during the Big Announcement. While The Authorities may have trouble guessing your PIN, holding the phone up to your face is certainly convenient. Rest assured the law will be convoluted to make this work. It requires eyes to be open, so it will be more difficult to use on a dead body (make with that what you will). There is also a panic disable, which requires pressing a switch five times, that will disallow facial recognition unlock. There are other legal complexities around being compelled to give your fingerprint but not your PIN.
• This latest exercise in Apple Excess can be yours for the low low price of $1,000. Start lining up around the block, drooling, wide-eyed, wallet extended, to get yours now! We used to think $150 sneakers were ridiculously expensive.
• One of the latest flagship android phones is expected to hit $1,000 also, bringing up some questions... What the hell do you get for a grand that you didn't get for half that price (or less) on your current phone? 
• You'll certainly get a better camera, but I have not a qualm about my two year old phone's camera - the pictures are wonderful. One device has two cameras with different focuses.
• A faster processor: this would certainly be an incentive, although mine is pretty snappy.
• Better battery life: I hope. This is a huge one for most of us. Removable is a good feature too, so you can keep one charged as a spare. It's a shame you have to.
• Bigger and/or Prettier screen: some people aren't happy with the size of their screen (or much else)... larger or smaller. New layouts, for people who don't use their own launchers (Nova Launcher recommended-free).
• Facial recognition: if I didn't use eyeball tracking, imagine my thrill with facial recognition. Hint: it's probably in use on your driver's license.
• Sleek new case: please.
• Is it worth that price tag for the Latest and Greatest? I say no. In fact, if you wait a few months, there will be bigger and better, or you can purchase a gently used version at a considerable discount.

The most recent episode of South Park set off Google Home and Alexa devices. Go Matt and Trey!




As usual, I was minding my own business online, when things ground to a total halt. No amount of rebooting and troubleshooting turned up a cause. My cable modem indicated everything was fine. In situations like this, I love nothing more than interacting with Comcast (or most anyone else).

The automated service told me that my issue had nothing to do with any outages and actually sent me to a human, after a commercial for the NFL. Let's forget for a moment that I can't stand sports and concentrate on the obvious importance of an NFL commercial that you cannot bypass, while waiting to repair your internet service. The attempt to reset my modem had failed, then tried again and succeded. This was not particularly effective, as the modem did not indicate it was doing anything other than failing to go online, but they told me to wait ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, with no progress at all, I called again. This time the automated voice told me there was an outage in my area and expected restore time was four hours. So messing around with the modem earlier was a total waste of time.

Do you know the sheer hell visited upon you by being without internet for four hours? I'd rather go to the dentist than be sans internet for four hours. Fortunately my cell phone had lots of data, so I could tether my computer to it. Unfortunately, no matter what I tried, I could not get the computer hooked up to the phone. Connecting with a cable failed miserably, as did every single option I tried inside the phone. There is an actual button for wifi hotspot, that failed immediately, as did everything else.

Ever try using all your apps from a huge display on a cell phone? It worked, but not in a particularly useful way. Good thing I had many other things to do (that had absolutely nothing to do with porn).

Upon calling Comcast again, I was shocked beyond belief to speak to an Indian service representative (no I wasn't), but at least this lady spoke really good English and wasn't reading off a script. After re-rebooting the modem, it clearly showed there was an error. Mrs Service helpfully suggested that someone return the modem to Comcast and get a new one.

Because I'm that kind of guy, I had an upgraded modem, which seemed to surprise my rep, as she kept trying to get me to bring the defective modem back. After a bit of reiterating, I finally got her to accept my solution. I had to give her the new modem's MAC address.

At about this point, I discovered that I had a modem but not a manual, power supply, and whatever else came with the device. Mind you, I had the box it came in. This modem has been sitting around for a few weeks, migrating from this spot to the other, but always together. Not now, of course. Stuff just happens in my house. This was followed immediately by screaming. Unfortunately, screaming had to be modified, as I was doing it right into the phone.

One thing I note as I get older is that I cannot read small print. I used to be able to read things written on a grain of rice. Now I need Serious Magnification to read six point type. It's even more difficult after 12am, with very little light in the house.

Having solved the MAC issue, the rep told me to plug the device in, then started asking me questions about my router. Lady, if I had router issues, that would be my problem, not yours. If you get my modem set up and get signal to it, I'll handle any issues post-modem.

Apparently simply hooking a modem up and repeating a MAC address four times is not sufficient to restore internet service. There are things called hooks, put in somewhere to allow the original modem to work, and these need to be removed. Hooks.... somewhere at Comcast, there are a number of fish hanging on a line, each with a hook. They had to remove the fish and the hook so they could hang different kinds of fish, corresponding with my new modem. This is all because the old modem was brown and the new modem white.

Twenty minutes later, the helpful service rep sent what's technically known as The Magic Bullet to my modem, making the lights go all blinky and restoring service. Halleleujah! Only five hours to a solution.

He Reminds Me of a Penguin

In a move that has rocked the entire northern hemisphere (and parts of New Jersey), President Obama has 'extended the Afghan military presence.'  Support our troops - bring them home.

• The US State Department suggests that Israel might be using excessive force to confront a wave of Palestinian stabbings. Israel is not amused. Meanwhile, US state program to put police in armored personnel carriers with automatic weapons to shoot pet dogs and random others is on track for the year.

Technology scares the hell out of people, survey finds. Survey also reveals that it's cold in the winter and Rosie Perez's voice can peel the paint off cars.

• PUMPKINS? What in the universe is up with pumpkin? Yes, we're approaching that season, but this is excessive. Pumpkin coffee (my wife's favorite at Dunkin Donuts), pumpkin bread, pumpkin beer, other pumpkin baking products, pumpkin alcohols and pumpkin sex toys. I see it all over the place - my wife assures me it's been going on all along. Yet more proof that I either don't care or don't get out much (both, most likely).

If you're not paranoid about your privacy, you're crazy. Don't rely on my rantings - read this article and see for yourself. Read this sitting down.

• I said gum, stupid!  A Kyle, Texas, student caused mass panic when he asked someone for some gum and another student heard gun. A letter had to go home to all parents, explaining the situation.  PANIC!!!

The male brain is programmed to seek out sex over food. ....and to whom is this news? Our Central Processing Unit is centrally located.

• A man dressed as a priest stripped down and performed 'a sexual act' on the altar stage. Police and the church are looking for the man (he forgot to fill out his job application).

A Minnesota man killed his 84 year old grandmother for blowing her nose at the dinner table. Manners - use them or die.

• PLANE JUSTICE: Things got interesting on an Aer Lingus (that sounds dirty) flight, when a man bit another passenger then died. Not to be outdone, a Southwest traveler choked another passenger for reclining a seat. Any of us who have flown will agree that choking is too good for people who do this, as well as parents with screaming babies.

CIA Director John Brennan had a secret AOL account. SURPRISE - it got hacked. Now let's get serious here - in the first place, no one with any clearance at all should have an AOL account. Second, the guy is a CIA Director. Where do we get these people? But wait - there's more! Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson's Comcast account was also hacked by the same miscreant. These poeple are 'protecting' us. Do ya feel protected today, punk - DO YA? You will notice that the hacker got in trouble, not the people who are supposed to know better. So there's Hillary, John, and Jeh - it sounds like a really bad 60's folk group.

• MATH TIME: 

• The federal penalty for not having health insurance will rise in 2016 to $695 or 2% of income.
• For the subsidized, taxpayer subsidies pay roughly 70% of monthly premiums 
• The subsidized pay roughly $100 per month
• I pay over $100 per week (with a $5,500 deductible) 
• If I just pay the $695 penalty, it would pay for itself in under two months and I'd still wind up paying for my own visits, just as if I had a $5,500 deductible.
• These blithering Keystone Kops were supposed to fix health insurance. It is broken beyond measure.

NATIONAL HISPANIC MONTH: So it's National Hispanic month, as you can tell from the bold letters that started this. Take it from me, ok?  I work in an interesting place, which shares but a few oddities from the last VERY interesting place, one being Happenings. Both places have public-ish spots where they host events. Events at the old place included dances, fashion shows, and beauty pageants. The newer place seems to have its share of events but I haven't gotten a feel for what they are. Until yesterday. I was walking down the hall, minding my own business, when it became impossible to continue minding my own business, due to the insistent, LOUD, semi-rhythmic pounding on a drum. I was half aghast and half amused. My coworker just shook his head and said, "National Hispanic Month." Due to the flyers strewn about, I agreed. Then I saw the drummer and the featured entertainment: a scantily-clad guy with a cardboard Indian headdress. He was chanting HUH HUH HUH HUH, the way you'd chant it to an insistent, LOUD drum. I turned to my coworker and told him I just knew someone was going to be offended by this. The problem, at this point, was figuring out who.

Meanwhile, I still can't get National Guitar Month, National Left-Handers Month, or National Left-Handed Guitarist Month flyers or events or corporate-wide emails.

• Federal tax collected set a new record this year, at $3,248,723,000,000. That's $21,833 per working person. Yet we have a $438,900,000,000 deficit. This is what happens when you vote republican or democrat. This is why they're two sides of the same coin. Go ahead and argue R vs D - you're gonna get screwed either way (except the dems will insist you get free lube, then raise taxes to pay for it and the reps will require lube, benefitting their lube donor corporations). See where your tax dollars are going.

The Vatican is denying that the pope has a small tumor. Gee, I wonder who could have started that rumor...

• TODAY's QUOTE: “One cannot be exposed to the law and order of the universe without concluding that there must be design and purpose behind it all. And kill the Jews.”
  Wernher von Braun

TECH

Tighten up and secure your browser(s). All browsers, all operating systems.
NOW.

TUNES

Today's special is on another wunderkind: Jonny Lang. He started very young, in the Stevie Ray Vaughan mold and the hits kept coming. Jonny was a part of Experience Hendrix, which we attended last year.

The first time I heard Lie to Me, I wondered if it was a Joe Cocker song I had somehow missed. This little dude has a voice like an old, whiskey-soaked veteran. A buddy said the veins on the side of his neck looked like they were going to pop when he sang. And he can play! The little bastard has his own Fender signature guitar.

Breakin' Me is a nice mid-tempo song. Here's a live version.

Still Rainin' is another groove-filled romp, complete with cool female background vocals.

What did you expect to find on Mars?

Dyslexic Typing

News from Home:

Dear Mom,
Things are fairly normal here... as normal as one could expect. Today I came home to a dog with four wet paws. I asked the wife if there was any halfway decent reason that the dog had four wet paws. She didn't know, but she found out fairly quickly: he had taken apart a trash bag. In a possible attempt to cover up the mess, he spilled a container of bleach all over the floor. I'm just waiting for him to have four blond paws.

Not to be left out, the cat walked up to the table and started munching on a piece of buttered bread. I could see this from the dog but the cat??? The vet was right - he's a big dog in a cat suit.

I have to run now: the roast is ready and I want to get it out of the oven before the dog does.

Love,
lefty

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I have mentioned that Philly radio it the absolute worst in the nation. Poor countries with no radio at all have turned down the opportunity to listen to it. One has the choice between GONZO ZOO RADIO [canned applause], classic rock that plays the same two songs by the same six artists and NPR.  I switch stations a lot. The other morning it was NPR, as GONZO ZOO RADIO [canned applause] was running a marathon discussion of colored dresses. I have to admit that public radio turns me on to some interesting facts... facts that I am unlikely to come up with anywhere else.  This morning I learned of Afghanistan's absolute fanaticism for cricket. Who would have known?

Apparently the denizens of Afghanistan rush to bars and restaurants with televisions so they can catch up on the latest match.  As you can tell, I know as much about cricket as ballet, probably less.  I can identify ballet. Not so much cricket.  Actually I'm fibbing... everything I know about England comes from Monty Python. I remember a sketch with a bunch of guys dressed in white, throwing what looked like a billiard ball really hard at some tall wooden dowels. One was licking his lips suggestively, in slow motion.  There - my entire knowledge of cricket.

Think of the possibilities: game postponements because they have to clear the field of opium poppies. Game postponements because they have to clear the field of body parts. More game postponements because they have to rebuild the field after the latest round of freedom exportation via drones. The players must have nerves of steel because the cars in the parking lot keep exploding. And you never know which of the little Taleban/ISIS/ISIL/CIA children in the stands is a suicide bomber.  They start all cuddly but the end isn't pretty. Basically they have to have a squad dedicated entirely to rebuilding the field (wait - I remember - it's called a PITCH!) between bombings. It's odd but thus far, no one has thought of moving the action and excitement indoors (on Sunday Sunday SUNDAY!).  I hear Halliburton is going to get the no-bid contract to build the bomb-proof indoor stadium, at the bargain price of four hundred million dollars. Don't tell anyone you heard it here.

Meanwhile, excited to prove to the world how modern they are, the Afghanis have put together a women's cricket league.  Unfortuntately, through no fault of their own, the league has stopped playing for a few seasons, until they can get a few small issues under control. Between the bloody noses because the women can't see the balls, the hand-chopping-off for touching balls and the odd beheading, the games tend to run short (and bloody). Then there's the unfortunate bit about beheading the audience because women aren't allowed to watch sports.


You know, all this talk about blowing stuff up reminds me of something I might have heard on NPR: Congress has just passed a bill encouraging themselves to dress as suicide bombers for Halloween. This is the kind of legislation we can all get behind. Far behind.


Things are about to get (more) interesting at airports. As if rectal probes of eighty-year-old wheelchair-bound ladies weren't enough, there are now bomb-sniffing elephants. I suppose the TSA likes them because they work for peanuts (ouch) and are significantly more accurate than the minimum wage previous bag checkers normally hired by the agency. Frequent cries of "Get your trunk out of my trunk" ensue. I kid, though... the TSA isn't using them - the army is. If this ever goes wrong, the cleanup will be immense. Do you suppose they will get vests?


Lastly, scientific proof behind people driving expensive cars being asshats.

The War on War

War on everything is getting boring, deadly, and horribly expensive.  I propose the War on War.

-----------------------------------

Just in case you don't think your tax dollars aren't being properly transferred to the Military Industrial Complex, let's take a run over to Afghanistan, where the troops we're training to take over after we leave are killing each other.  You know, if they just stayed there and we just stayed here, they could keep killing each other forever, as they have been doing for longer than we have been a country.

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Marcus Banwell got caught shoplifting in a rather painful way - right after throwing up some Scotch Bonnet peppers (arguably the hottest available).  These peppers are so hot you need to cut them with gloves on.

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There was another shooting, this time in New York.  Before the gun-grabbers continue their insane wailing, I'd like to point out that Mayor "Please Protect Us from Soda" Bloomberg stated that some of the shooting victims were shot by the police.

Perhaps we need a War on Police.

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According to a study, full-frontal nudity on television is up 6300% this year.   Well, that's news to me.  I don't recall ever seeing full-frontal nudity on television, unless I was watching porn.    The key to the story is yet another group trying to save us from the evils of the semi-naked body.  Yes, they're referring to pixellated naked people, not real naked people.  By this logic, everyone on tv is naked - their clothes are in place of the pixellation.

Heaven help us from people helping us into heaven.

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The yahoos with whom I toil daily are having a fantasy football draft today.  If I hear one more word about sports today, I'm going to perform the Emesis Dance upon the lot of them.

People call me nerdy, yet they're spending hours arguing over sports teams that aren't real.  Perhaps when they're done (if they ever get done), we'll argue about whose god is better.

Meanwhile, I'm having my own fantasy porn star draft.  Who's winning now?