Vagina Beef

Your love is like   toe fungus - hey, mushrooms are a fungus and you eat them..

• A bunch of Montana TikTok users don't care that China gets all their information because they already gave it to Faceyspaces. If they don't prevail in court, they threatened to fly to China and give them military secrets. And their personal information.

Today I identify as  a quantum nothing 

Dontcha Hate it When....(COPS edition)

• A cool car chase happens. The criminal uses his turn signals.
• It's always hysterical to watch them taze a perp. Repeatedly.
• ALL stops end in a drug search
• car chases are called off because the perp is driving too wildly and the police are scared of running down innocent citizens. C'mon - this is Death Race 2023 - extra points for old ladies and strollers
• calm suspects are cuffed, then the police say STOP RESISTING and beat him to a pulp
• the perp won't let the police cuff him and keeps asking WHAT I DO, WHAT I DO?
• DAT NOT MY DRUGS, DAT NOT MY CAR, DAT NOT MY PURSE, DAT NOT MY PANTS
• I din do it. I wasn't driving.  But you were the only one in the car.
• the drug dog always finds something, even if the cops can't
• Why did you run? Because you were chasing me.
• People with severe head wounds always refuse an ambulance
• when police 'have one at gunpoint,' they never shoot him, even accidentally.
• The police can smell marijuana whether it's there or not.
• Nobody wants to be filmed, but the cops say "They're doing a documentary on me" and the criminals believe it.
• People don't know blinking lights and sirens mean to PULL OVER.
• You get up early on a day off.

For some reason no one can explain, I found myself up at 6:30am on a Saturday. I was shocked, ashamed, and my Rock and Roll spirit was crushed. What's next - mowing and planting flowers? Taking an interest in keeping the house clean? Being nice to my wife?  I better head this off at the pass while there's still time.

Being awake and alone (even the dog stayed in bed) gave me time to think and reflect. I've mentioned that my wife could be called Billy, from an old comic called [I Can't Remember - Family Circus!]. Mom or Dad would call him and little Billy would say, "I'll be right there!"  Only Billy's definition of Right There was slightly different. The comic strip showed his extremely roundabout trip home, and being Right There. He'd stop to visit neighbors, pet dogs, chat with friends, jump in mud, then eventually he'd be Right There. My wife IS little Billy. Never mind the gender or the humongous slight age difference. The woman couldn't get out of a burning building with a week's notice.

Believe me, I've worked on the problem, pretending it's mine. I've brought in specialists, read books, and loaded up on nuclear weapons, but it continues and continues to make me murderous very upset. I figured out a long time ago that I represented her father, with the exception of wisdom; wisdom and a mustache. Sadly I represented her mother too, also with a mustache. Only Wife had to obey her father, but she had a permanent hall pass with me. No wonder she was so happy to get married. I thought she was happy to have met her (scrufty, irascible) prince.. no, she was happy she didn't have to listen to anybody anymore. Sigh. The tears from her family were also lost on me. Wife told me that they were happy to get rid of her: she way my problem now. So much for that idea. Oh well, 'happy marriage' is another to add to the Oxymoron Pile, with Microsoft security and Congressional ethics. 

Honey, are you ready to go?

Yup, I'll be right there.

Uh-oh. I'll just build a small barn outside, then dig a trench from the basement to the barn. That should be enough time to be ready. Boy, wasn't *I* the stupid one? By the time the barn was built, she had made it to the bathroom. Well, everybody has to go - I can't fault her there. I came in for some water (I had started to sweat, which was very odd for me) and found her still in the bathroom. Just for fun, I yelled through the door...

READY YET? YOU SAID NO PROBLEM.

[The dog barked, because she gets upset when I yell.]

I'm almost ready. 

 What are you doing?

Cleaning up a bit.

You told me we couldn't be late.

We can't.

You were up 2 hours before we were supposed to leave.

I got busy and forgot.

Go fsck yourself

WHAT?

I said. "Don't forget to tuck in your shirt."

Ok. I'll be Right Out.

I'll just dig that trench and make some concrete walls for it. Right next to the Panic Room.

Ok, I'll be Right Out.

Right after George Washington comes back, looks around, and shoots himself.

What?

I said I just can't wait.

[dig trench, install concrete walls, order servers and computers, wire everything up, with NOTHING in The Cloud]

Why is there a soda can upside down in the sink?

Because I was emptying it out before I threw it away.

It seems to have missed the Throwing Away stage.

I had to drain it first.

How did you miss the Throwing Away stage?

I left it there because I went on to do something else.

Why didn't you just wait the 3/4 of a second for the can to drain?

There were other things to do.

And now I get stuck throwing it out.

Oh, would you do that? Thank you.

You're ready now, right?

I'll be there in a second.

How exactly do you measure time? You being ready takes about the same time as the doctor keeps you waiting in the waiting room. Are you secretly a doctor?

HEY, don't call me an asshole! 

So you're ready?

I'll be right there.

Ok, I'll build that full-scale train set you got me for xmas. See you tomorrow.

[busies herself in the kitchen. Goes upstairs to bedroom. Comes back down. Goes back up, having forgotten her shoes; the reason she went up in the first place]

Do these sparkly turquoise sneakers look ok with this dress? 

You're asking ME? The guy who can barely get his black t-shirts to match his black jeans?

You're always honest.

Yes, so long as I like it. I'm still recovering from that time I said it didn't look right.

Don't be sarcastic.

Then I'd never speak.

Oh, you figured it out? 

By the way, the house is on fire.

I just have a few more things to get.

The dog, who is normally attached to your legs, has run out for her own safety. When was the last time the dog went somewhere that wasn't following you? That dog would rather sleep in the bed with you all day than come say hi to me. But at least she's got enough sense to run for her life.

Do you think her coat matches the fire? Did I leave my phone somewhere? The car? Target? The pool? 

See those flames by the tv? You have about 10 seconds before you go up like the tv.

I've just got to do a few more things.

Like what?

Clean the bathroom.

You just cleaned the bathroom when you went, 6 hours ago.

But it needs a serious, full cleaning.

So the ashes are clean?

I don't want the firemen to think we don't clean regularly.

I see.

Where's my pocketbook? 

By the door, where it always is. The door through which you should be running several hours ago.

Not that pocketbook - the black suede one with the fringes.

The normal one isn't good enough?

I will not be seen by the firemen looking like this.

When did you become so vain? You probably thought this blog was about you.

I am not vain - I just care about how I look. A lot.

Look, I got dressed, didn't I? 

You're not going out like that. Your shirt is all wrinkled.

At least I'm dressed.

I just need a few more things. Try one of the new shirts I bought you.

You bought more shirts?

The other day.

So that's where the money goes.

You didn't expect me to wash them, did you? 

That explains why I have 427 pairs of socks. The fire has cut off the steps. We'll have to go out the window!

Did you put in that fire ladder I asked you to last month? 

Yeah, about that.....  I'll put it in right now. I'm almost ready....

Being up at 6:30, the time I used to come home when I was young, had me ready for breakfast by 7:30. 7:30 is NOT when I have breakfast. I have breakfast anywhere from 10am to 6pm.  Having breakfast when the Normies do is embarrassing. At least we have Chocolate Frosted Flakes. I liked it better when the Flakes had those Irish marshmallow-like treats, like the commercial. That lasted about 1 week before being violently pulled from the shelves in the store. They'll get my Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Lucky Charms Marshmallows when they pry them from my cold, dead hands.

We got them at Ollies. Ever been to Ollies? It's pretty damn cool. It's where all unsold merchandise goes to die. Everything from bed sheets to children's bible books and Chocolate Frosted Flakes, which were also pulled from the shelves last year. Check the dates, folks. The depth of stuff you can find boggle the mind. There are even foods. These are the most interesting, because you see stuff that made it to market for a few days or weeks. Stuff you didn't know existed, but within date. They had pet aisles too. PLEASE do not buy any food or treats made in China. They have no controls and almost killed Ren (aka Satan). We had to take him to the vet constantly. Let's see, there's plastic kitchen utensils, bunches of stereo wires, actual toaster ovens and coffee makers, and hilarious signs featuring the character of Ollie. Don't mistake me - it's a fun place to vist. They even have huge amounts of coffee k-cups. All of them suck, and are in at least packs of 401, so you have no choice or way to return them. Since they're plastic, I usually just set them on fire in the yard, along with some of the neighbors who have outlived their usefulness, if they ever had any. The guy who invented and got rich from them, said he wished he'd never come up with them. There's not enough plastic to recycle, so they wind up with the other trash, in a 1,452 mile wide swirling pile of trash off the Atlantic. Federal courts have ruled the businesses can continue dumping in the water because to actually clean things up would constitute too heavy a penalty and too much profit loss for the corporations. President Giveaway is studying the matter scrupulously, not to decide its Constitutionality, but to determine how many billions to give them.

Oh yeah, Ollies.... the store had changed from last time. Some sort of explosive or nuclear device had gone off, rendering half of the merchandise open, half of it irradiated, and the other half on the floor. The only good news was that all the food was free from unsightly growths and critters. Even the staff was infertile. The half life of the radiation was much shorter than the shelf life dates on the merchandise, so everything was safe to pick up (unless it was out of date). There was one moth flying around, though. It had small human legs, a nose, and told us to get out of there if we were at all concerned about the shelf life of the religious books. Religious loons come in many flavors. We ignored the moth and went to the checkout line, even after it told us it was an employee too - the manager. We found out that every employee was a manager. We believed it because we only saw one employee the whole time.

One employee also happened to be the number of cashiers present. They had space for 5 cashiers, but in their infinite wisdom, only had one operating a register. From the 15 minutes we spent in line, with the same customer at the register, we figured she was definitely a manager, although managers are not generally that helpful - they usually get in the way of any progress or work. We started our countdown clock, which is a relatively new feature. Generally a 5 minute timer, it is started so that we know to leave in 5 minutes or less without any help or progress. I was getting ready to use one of their squirting automatic machine guns, when I realized the manager was a minor, so I dropped the weapon before the police arrived. It turned out my desire to wipe the manager from the face of the planet was premature. I listened in to the conversation between the 2 person team slowing everything down and realized it was entirely the customers, not the employees, relatives, or representatives of the NFL. Apparently the one hag even managed to piss off the less-aged hag, who finally kept saying, "Mom, it's ok, let her do her job so we can confound a cashier in the next store over."  A-HA!

I think we surprised the hell out of the scheduling manager. Yes, they're all managers to make them feel important (impotent). The scheduling manager didn't think there would be any customers on a holiday weekend, particularly a Saturday with wonderful weather, so he only scheduled a single manager for the register. She started shrieking something into the p.a. system, vaguely sounding like a cry for help. Her shrieking went so high, we thought she was talking to the moth. Ten minutes later, a bearded, bedraggled manager appeared, looking every bit the manager in charge of napping in the back room. And he was NOT happy about being awakened. He regaled me with stories of the 3 managers they lost that month. followed by the mass exodus of lesser managers, who left by threes, for jobs that paid a few dollars more. The store managers got a kick out of this, because the lesser managers found out they were getting more per hour, but were only allowed to work part-time. The manager who was telling me this asked for my loyalty card. What would I be doing with a loyalty card; I'm hardly the type to be loyal to humans, no less a store. Then he asked for my social security number. I told him he could have mine, but only after he gave me his. He wanted me to sign up for a loyalty card then, because I would get 3.4556% off this cart full of no-longer-radiated merchandise. He tried another tactic and asked for my phone number. I gave him the one we always make up whenever we need to give out a phone number and discovered we were already in the system. Hmmmm..... apparently I DID have a loyalty card. This will NOT go well at the country club. People would interrupt me during the gig, where I spent 4 hours tuning my guitar. I took breaks, though, so the union didn't send Mario and Luigi out to have a 'chat' with me (screw you - that's their names).  The union's policy is that you must take your breaks or else you make every other union member look bad. And if you thought the chat with Mario and Luigi was going to be bad....

Now, about that loyalty card. I suspect it was the reason for the calls and discount cards they kept mailing to us.  I swallowed it up, just like the discount cards from Shoe Warehouse.  She never thought I'd notice, but she never noticed the discount cards from Guitar Center. I'm just kidding - Guitar Center never has anything I want, specifically nice left handed guitars. Maybe it's because they're bankrupt (morally and monetarily).  At a guitar show, I was apparently so funny about something or other, a Guitar Center employee gave me a 25% off card, or maybe a $25 gift certificate - I remember 25 being on there somewhere. I suspect my constant whining about never having any money had actual basis in fact, and the constant 'roof repairs' failed to explain why the roof leaked. Perhaps the roofers belong to a union too. 

• Precisely at 12 noon, the air conditioner came on. It doesn't have a timer. It ran til 12:01 then turned off. It could be like one of those tests of the emergency air conditioning system that always interrupt your favorite shows. Or not. It's not even near the top of the list of strange things that happen in ThermionicMansion on a daily basis, so I don't want to spend much time questioning it.
• One of the things near the top of that list is the refrigerator. Actually I don't know if it's the refrigerator - it just happens at the refrigerator. For 2 days when I open the door, a bottle leaps from the shelf, either trying to commit suicide or having been pushed, perhaps by the CIA. Both times I wasn't wearing shoes, so it created powerful memories, as well as depressions in both feet. It's hard to do that because my feet are like Swiss cheese, from constantly shooting myself in them.  The bottles weren't positioned precariously and in no way would they fall. I smell conspiracy. Aliens. Or a podiatrist.
• Mrs. lefty has a bad back. This is why I stopped questioning her on why the sofa moved across the room while we slept. I just go with it these days. It's easier and less stressful to believe it just happens, as opposed to not liking the real reason why.
• Your furniture moves around too, right?  Please? 

In a complete shock to no one, the budget farce was passed by Congress.

Every time it's the same thing: debt theater. They should all be removed from their jobs and forced to pay for what they voted for.

• the debt ceiling was suspended til 2025, so the thieves can continue to plunder and raise the debt even further.
• think I'm over the top? Per the article  "This allows them to pay their bills until that date and know that the next fight over raising the ceiling will not interfere with the presidential election."
• shockingly, the only clear winner was the Military Industrial Complex, with $886 billion.
•  Biden agreed to cut $20bn from the $80bn to the IRS, but divert that cash to other non-defence spending. President Giveaway strikes again.

No mention of the other pork loaded into this mess, but rest assured, it's there.

Chicken Nuts Contain No Nuts -- New York Times

 Your love is like   standing right under the Space Shuttle rocket as it launches

With all the news about supply chain shortages, parents the world over are giving up on buying gifts for Christmas, saying they'll just let Santa deal with it. 

• Santa won't have supply chain shortages. 
• He will be able to fly right to his destinations.
• Santa won't have to deal with the mafia Teamsters at the piers
• Even Amazon will have supply chain shortages, so there's no point going online
• It's always safer to rely on a mythical figure than the US Postal Systemt

Today I identify as    a doodie face

My buddy has only been married for little while, so they're literally in their honeymoon phase. He told me about the time he took some whipped cream into the bedroom with them.

What his wife forgot to tell him was that she gave the dog and cat whipped cream, so every time she sprayed some, they heard the noise and both came running....

Indianapolis Motor Speedway To Host Autonomous Car Race

This will look different from the normal races held at Indy.

• half of the Teslas will spontaneously combust, followed by Tesla stating they aren't fully autonomous and drivers shouldn't be masturbating instead of driving
• the other half of the Teslas will run right for the emergency vehicles with revolving lights and crash into them
• the Waymos will get halfway around the course and turn into the pit stop lane, then wait patiently for traffic to go by before getting back on the oval
• the entire race will grind to a screeching halt when a piece of trash flies across the track

We moved my mom across the country recently. 

Because of where she's moving, she didn't need a lot of things from her apartment. One day, she looked at Mrs. lefty very solemnly and told her she wanted her to have this ice cream scoop. She bought it a long long time ago and it was present while we were growing up. Ok, so I have an ice cream scoop.

So that's only a little weird. The weirdness intensified when my siblings called to congratulate me on getting the ice cream scoop. I got the feeling there was a lot of jealousy there. Like maybe they would trade all the expensive carvings, furniture, and silver they took for the scoop.

I am far from greedy and don't ask for stuff. I literally got the scoop. But sometimes I feel like Charlie Brown on Halloween: "I got a rock."

(Bloomberg) -- President Joe Biden said he doesn’t think there are enough Democratic votes to raise tax rates in a deal on his economic agenda

But there were enough votes to raise our taxes to pay for his ridiculous spending bill....

• former President Trump revealed plans to open his own social network
• membership is open to everyone, provided you're not a democrat or member of the press

CDC director: U.S. may change definition of "fully vaccinated" as boosters roll out

May also change definition of "definition"

Covid-19 Vaccine Mandates Are Surviving Nearly All Court Challenges

That's right - the government owns your ass 

COPS

After watching too many British police shows, I feel competent to contrast and compare...

British Police	American Police
cuff perp, wipe dirt from shirt	kick perp in chest
say "STOP or I shall say Stop again"	"I'll shoot you, bro!"
it's too fast to chase	SPEED UP! (except California)
OMG he's got a gun!	FIRE!
Racist language- jail him	Go home-we have crime to fight
[after crash]How you doing?	"GET OUT OF THE CAR!
take walking drunk home	"Do I look like a taxi?"
"Take him to hospital"	"Take him to the hospital"
Do 3 electronic drunk tests	Walk a line without falling on your face
arrest for drink driving	arrest for drunk driving
"He's got a knife-arrest him!"	"His plate light is out-look for drugs. Machete? Cut him loose"

Based solely on the drink driving/drunk driving difference, I'll stay in the US, thank you.

[They're mostly great people doing an impossible job]

In May, Texas raised the minimum legal age for working in a sexually oriented business from 18 to 21.

More ridiculous, illegal, religion-based harassment of adult businesses. People can choose where they want to work. Unless the government owns your ass

• Italian flight attendants strip off to protest working conditions
• This is why everybody hates America. Excuse me while I book a flight...

Facebook AI moderator confused videos of mass shootings and car washes

AI is a reflection of human intelligence. Who among us hasn't confused a mass shooting with a car wash?

Recent acts of terror:

• America: gun in store
• England: van into pedestrians
• Norway: bow+arrow

Are you seeing a trend here?

We're a violent species, and will attack with any means at hand.

Also: 2 out of 3 were Islamists

Lawsuit Claims Wellesley Schools Excluded White Students From Events, Banned ‘Blue Lives Matter’ Phrase

A Three Hour Tor

TOR, otherwise known as The Onion Router, is a reasonably secure internet platform. When I say reasonably secure, I mean it's safe to route all of your traffic through it, but if you have incredibly sensitive information, you run a risk of being discovered. That aside, Snowden and Assange use it and the NSA is having trouble spying on it (but still manages). The safest way is to boot from and use the Tails operating system. The link has some good basic information on TOR. You can try it out with the TOR browser. Download the browser here. It's Firefox, so you already know how to use it. Give it a shot. Try not to install any extensions/addons because some of them leak information, rendering the browser unsafe.

• Over 460 models of HP laptops come complete with a keylogger. This means that every letter you type could be logged. Fortunately, this 'feature' is disabled by default. It exists in the touchpad driver. If anybody gets access to the computer, they can turn the keylogger on.

The FDA has approved a pill with an embedded sensor that can report when it is swallowed.  This is very interesting and, as I understand it, only one pill. Let's put on our Thermionic Tin Foil Hats.  Any invasive technology tends to come disguised as a benefit: 

• "Oh - we'll know if Gramma took her medicine!"
• "Stupid drug addict brother didn't take his methadone today."
• "Yes, as you know, Doctor, I took my meds, but I'm still hearing the voices. They do not like you."

The pill sends a signal to a patch, which sends the information to an app on your phone. You can send the results to a number of people if you like. How is this wrong? Let me count the ways...

• Bluetooth: hackable in the vicinity
• Sensor: is it really safe n your body? Do you really need it? 
• App: fitness apps and most others transmit information up the line to the software's author, advertising, and Google or Apple.
• No one really needs your information.

British television seems to consist largely of a bunch of overstuffed people sitting on an overstuffed couch, talking about nothing but using a lot of words to get there. No wonder they like some of our shows (Seinfeld).

• Over thirty email clients, including webmail, have a pretty serious flaw that will allow a Bad Guy to spoof the FROM address convincingly. Read this to see if yours is affected. Several were fixed before the flaw was announced.

In the 1980s, AT&T asked a consultant to estimate how many cell phones would be in use in the world by 2000. They concluded the total market would be 900,000 units. This persuaded AT&T to pull out of the market. By 2000, there were 738 million people with cellphone subscriptions. So close....

• a thirteenth human foot was found washed up on Canada's west coast. No one is sure why this happens but no foul play is suspected. No foul play? How many appendages, organs, and severed heads have to wash up before foul play is suspected? And what happened to the fourteenth foot? Isn't Canada supposed to be friendly? Does this sort of thing go on all the time in British Columbia?

Time grows near for the FCC's decision on whether to keep or jettison the Net Neutrality rules. While they haven't explicitly stated it, the FCC really doesn't care what you think and has no problem clinking drinks with Big Business. After having found millions of fake comments on the topic, the FCC is blocking any investigation into the comments, which, incredibly, were from dead people and were against neutrality. Nothing at all is suggested by this wild coincidence.

• A bunch of years ago I went to a guitar show with a Gibson Custom Shop display. I asked the guy if they had ever built any lefty doublenecks. He said he was aware of four, and at that date, they would cost about $5,000. Right handed, of course, was less. Today I finally located a Custom Shop lefty Doubleneck on Ebay, for the bargain price of $8,000. Ok, everything this shop sells is pretty damn expensive, plus shipping from Asia. I'm sure I can get it cheaper by ordering locally.
• I know, I know, you don't care. But Jimmy Page plays one.
• We got what we wanted most for the holidays: Marshall, alive. Because of this, we've had to cancel Christmas.
• But a new guitar (or three) sure would be nice. 

Gibson Custom Shop lefty EDS-1275

In Road Wars, a British COPS-like show, they pulled a car over, checked the trunk, and found 'herbal cannabis'. Herbal, pronouncing the 'H'. When I was young, I did my share of substances, but I am not aware of any variety other than herbal. Did they invent some sort of Imitation Cannabis? Why in the universe do they call it cannabis when 'Pot' is one syllable?

One day on COPS, an officer found "some sort of green, leafy substance; possibly cannabis." Do police recruit from just one pool? Has someone been peeing in it again?

• A Harvard student recently made a bold public declaration, admitting that, while at a bar with friends one time, he talked about the attractiveness of the women in his class. What a brave man. If anybody overheard him, he'd be publicly lynched.

Researchers, which is a term for anyone having more than one account on a website, have estimated that up to one percent of sites on the web have been hacked. For those of us who like math (and I know no one who meets this description) that's about 10 in 1,000 of the most visited websites. This statistic proves nobody is above or immune to hacking, and you will probably visit one of these sites, if not the entire one percent.

• I have seen into the future. Come next June, a newspaper headline will read "America Saves Millions as Half of Congress Arrested for Pedophilia"

The Great Trash Conundrum

I don't know what it is about trash, but I hate it.
Not the idea of trash... taking it out and putting it at the curb.
Come to think of it, I have always hated trash, just not as much as mowing. Now that we have hired a child (damn near) entrepreneur to do the mowing, I can concentrate my hatred more efficiently and totally on trash. This simplifies the entire operation.

It starts a few days before actual trash day. I see the trash in the house and can start to hear it mocking me. It is not pleasant. It starts to grow over the top of the can. A day later it is actively mocking me. I do my best to ignore it because it's still not trash day and to actively see the trash would mean I had to carry it outside and I'm having no part of that. This Active Ignore process is usually ruined by The Commandant, who gently 'reminds' me to take the inside trash outside. This just creates another problem, in that I have to put the wife on Active Ignore. Some people spend most of their marriage with the wife on Active Ignore, justifiably or not.

Due to the expanded load of items on Active Ignore, it becomes too much to bear and I can again hear the trash mocking me, this time even louder, with derisive laughter (Bruce). If I'm very lucky, this process has eaten up enough time that it's the night before trash and I can put everything out anyway.

My city has weird trash laws. No, really... apparently they've got nothing better to do that legislate what time you can put out your trash (the afternoon before) and when the cans have to be off the curb (next morning, latest). Worse than the regulations are the people who follow them to the letter. This would consist of exactly one person, and I use the term 'person' lightly. It's the Crazy Lady, who uses her age (438 this year) to get people to do stuff for her. Some dude pops by at precisely the first moment you can put the bins at the curb and does so. He's obviously a nice guy to do this every week, but it also could be that if he doesn't, she'd talk to him. She has snakes coming out of her head, and most of her body parts have been replaced three or four times, so I wouldn't be in the vicinity either if she spoke. The entire neighborhood is composed of really nice people who do stuff for her. One guy was replacing the roof of her patio. I pleasantly suggested he place an anvil in the roof, ala Wile E. Coyote, and rig it to the door, so when she opens it, BOOM. He looked at me like I was nuts. This is a look that no longer bothers me, as I see it all the time. In fact, I have come to expect and cherish it. They don't know this monster, who has a red phone that goes directly to the city inspectors for when she thinks something is out of spec with my house. This is the lady who reported standing water in my back yard. Standing water was Marshall's pool. It is a rather large, purple-ish thing that leaves no doubt as to its function. I'm sure they had kiddie pools wherever she came from - even the depths of hell, where she might have ruled for a period of time.

Where was I? Oh yeah, trash.
So it's nine or ten pm, the night before trash day. All of the sudden, I remember that trash has to go out. While I still have the same complete lack of enthusiasm for the task, I have no choice. But wait!!! The cans are so incredibly LOUD that I don't want to disturb the entire block. But then again, it would disturb the Crazy Lady. No it won't, she's bloody deaf. Or at least she says she is. Having no choice, I get the trash out. This actually happens without too much grief and aggravation, except for noise. I keep telling myself that wasn't so bad, but by the following week, I'm back to Active Ignore and the process starts anew. 

You think I'm done, don't you?
Nope.
There's the small matter of paper/cardboard recycling. We haven't quite gotten the hang of this yet. Obviously we know paper and cardboard when we see it.. it's just the process. Wife puts the collection basket in a different spot than the trash. And we always generate a lot of paper, overwhelming the poor basket. So every time I go to take this stuff to its can, it all leaps out of the basket, all over me, then into the can, except for the seventeen small bits of paper that lands on the ground. This is only a small issue, as it's completely dark and I can't see the ground. At this point, I receive help from an unlikely source: another neighbor. This fellow is a paranoid schizophrenic and has motion detecting lights, to detect when someone is vandalizing his car. He's a very nice guy and there were people vandalizing his car - the embodiment of "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." His light guides the way to the bits of paper on the ground.  Every week, when this nonsense is done, I swear to the wife that we need a better system for this. And every week she agrees. And every week (for over ten years), I take the same basket out, with the same result.

And this is why we had to hire someone to mow; because if trash seems like an endless house of horrors, it's nothing compared to mowing.

Just don't get me started on cleaning the house.

• Another of the World's Smallest Books: Hot Policewomen on COPS

This week's Marshall news:  This was a between week, so it was blood work. He's been turning his head quickly, beating himself to death with his own flaps. This is indicative of ear problems. At the oncologist, we asked if they could look at his ears. The nurse said.. "uhhh..... no. That's a doctor visit - you'll have to call your vet."

WTF?

So Marshall stopped to visit the vet, with steaming parents. The vet takes a look, plays with her Vet Chemistry Set, and delivers the happy news: Marshall has not one, but three separate ear infections. He has single-pawedly generated three separate bills in one day. Not only is he incredibly smart, he's incredibly talented too.  Now, if he could only use these talents to make some money...

• I  have seen some weird stuff on tv, but the winner of the name contest has to be Peaky Blinders. I don't even want to watch it with that stupid a title. I did make the mistake of watching it with the wife, which was, as I said, a mistake. Good old fashioned (very old) fistfights with Irish accents. No thanks; I can see that at work every day.
• Speaking of television, this weeks award for Best Spoken Phrase goes to one of those pregnant teen shows for the line, "Nobody told me it was so easy to get pregnant." This was closely followed by one of the mothers of the teens, who said, "Quite honestly, I wasn't surprised."

Have you ever met a person named Ignatius?
Neither have I.

• Please look carefully at your email. Phishing is out of control this holiday season. A great rule of thumb, used by me personally, is NO. Just don't. Don't open it, don't read it, and don't click on it. Since I'm one of four people on the planet who do this, I'll make a few recommendations for the rest of you:
• if some huge retail outlet sends you an email offering free this or sale that, hover your mouse over the link to see if it really goes to where it says. Better yet, go directly to their website - do not click on the link. Anything they're trying to sell you will be on their page.
• if an email asks you for money or personal/credit card details, DON'T. Period. Whether it's a Nigerian prince or Sears, don't.
• be suspicious of bad spelling or wording. No legitimate concern is going to send you anything with bad grammar or spelling.
• if there is a file attachment, don't open it.
• if the email is from a friend and looks weird or has an unknown attachment, get in touch with them to make sure they sent it, instead of being spoofed or hacked.
• if the email is from anyone under 25, delete it. People under 25 don't recognize the validity of email, instead preferring Faceyspaces. They'll send you their dopey pictures and pithy ramblings online.

Don't forget: there are only 400 days til next Christmas. Shop early.

• Researchers have discovered an unprotected database containing 1.8 billion posts collected by a Department of Defense contractor, who didn't secure the Amazon Cloud Storage correctly. This is why we do not ask the government to protect us. In fact, we need protection from the government.

There's a new method to lock your phone that uses your face. No, it's not the new one... it works like this: the phone takes one look at my face and locks itself out of fear and sheer terror. Unfortunately it also locks if you have ugly friends or relatives, or a particularly unsightly child.

• Here's a chilling headline: "Senators introduce USA Liberty Act." No good can come from this. The trick to deciphering any legislation is to read it. If you can't or won't, look at the title. The bill's effect will be the opposite of the title, hence Liberty Act is designed to take away your liberty, just like the Patriot Act. 

This week we said goodbye to that nice Charlie Manson. Unfortunately I haven't had time to put together a musical tribute, but he did present songs to the Beach Boys and others, plus he believed the Beatles were speaking to him (Helter Skelter).

The man was raised by wolves. Actually that's not fair to wolves. His (single) mom was a prostitute and not really present or a good parent. He was in California and happened to be close to a known CIA mind control facility. Considering his hypnotic influence on followers and famous people, along with the unbelievable horror of his crimes, you might consider that there could be more than a coincidence in his location. I do not know if any mental health worker ever spoke to him during his incarceration, as they did Sirhan "please call me Sirhan" Sirhan.

Who'd have thought that permanently scrawling a swastika in your forehead would get you denied parole every time?

• Speaking of goodbye, we bid a fine farewell to Malcolm Young, founder of AC/DC. Malcolm left the band recently because he was diagnosed with dementia and could no longer play. He was 67. For my money, he was the best rhythm guitar player in the business. The band is still touring. I believe his brother, Angus, of the schoolboy uniform, is the only original member.

would you eat a burger from this mascot?

Behaving is Overrated

Admittedly, I like watching car chases and COPS. Since police chases are the state sport of California, I get to watch them a lot. Yesterday I caught a stolen SUV, running through three districts of police, driving in a really strange manner, and winding up in San Pedro. The police called off the chase, as they do a lot lately, but there were helicopters in the air, including the one showing us the video (fox10phoenix.com always has video on very current events).

The guy pulls into a shipyard and starts driving from one end to the other, repeatedly. Someone driving like this is obviously not calm or well. The guy gets out of the SUV, letting it drive off by itself, finds some steps, and starts climbing. The police had arrived, but were not chasing the guy.

He climbs. And climbs. And climbs.

This facility has a massive set of really long cranes, for unloading ships that can't come closer. This fellow climbs all the way to the top of the crane, walks around the accessways, which have handrails. Then he leaves the handrails and walks out on the beam, about 100' above the water. Absolutely no fear. He continues to walk around, look down, shoo the choppers, and have conversations with people we can't see. He finally sits down and removes his socks. We're trying to figure out whether he's drunk or just not well upstairs. The different angles from the chopper were absolutely frightening and making me queasy. I didn't want the poor guy to fall (or jump). The police continued to leave him alone, which was probably the right idea.

The chopper had to go back for gas, so people from as far away as Chile were not able to watch further. I searched the following morning and unfortunately the fellow took all of his clothes off and jumped or fell to his death. No word on whether it was to the water or the street.

Why am I typing this?  I have absolutely no idea.

Meanwhile, I just saw that a van driver (terrorist) crashed into people on a sidewalk in Barcelona, killing thirteen and injuring many. There are gunmen on the loose.  That's why I'm typing this.... with the internet, we can see things in real time. There should be a Nobel Peace Prize for the net. It's much harder to pull one over on the masses when they can watch it as it happens.

• I was thinking of writing a book full of motivational advice - what do you think?
• Seek answers in the couch, Grasshopper
• Always deliver quality work: leave it for someone better
• If you shoot them, they'll never do it again
• When there is no room for failure, don't start

Some comic recently observed that a glory hole was not patriotic.

I think it depends on which side you're on... one makes you salute and the other just sucks.

• England's Jeremy Corbyn, having observed recent terrorist acts, has said that laws are needed to stop van attacks. Yes, somebody inform ISIS that driving vans into people on sidewalks is illegal - that'll do it. His Upper Class Twit of the Year trophy is on the way.

Maxine Waters just accused Ben Carson of being a White Nationalist. Please don't upset Maxine by reminding her Ben's black - it will ruin her day.

• My wife stood there, excitement on her face, and said, "Hey - who vacuumed the floor?" I thought about this carefully, looked around, thought about it some more, then pointed to the dog. 
• Did she think, perhaps, that someone broke in the house and vacuumed it for us?
• If we suspend disbelief for a moment, the vacuum is the Enemy of All Dogs Everywhere, so even if he could stand up and run it, he'd have to bark at it simultaneously, which would make a hell of a racket.
• It is relatively safe to say that nothing else in the house has evolved to the point that it can run the evil machine, no less want to. Including the dust.

How many years have humans had to evolve? We have finally arrived.

• When was the last time your cat chased a rodent?

After watching the antics of the antifa goons and the KKK, I find it sad that after one hundred years, we've gone from white dunce caps to black dunce caps.

• Firefox has updated itself to the latest version - the one they warned you about. Now almost none of your extensions will work. Extension People are allegedly updating their extensions. Since they do it in their own free time, it's bad form to complain. It is interesting to note, however, that only two of mine have been updated - with a large amount not updated.

Through no fault of my own, I came across a tv show that was telling the story of this overweight woman who opened her mailbox to find a note from a neighbor saying 300lb women shouldn't wear yoga pants.

Let's get the obvious over with: this is incredibly rude and inexcusable. Whoever did this wouldn't dare say this in person.

Now for the other obvious: they're right.

The victim of this horrible incident went on to talk about how she's always been large, because of a glandular issue. I feel for you, lady, I really do. But whatever caused your weight is no excuse for you to wear yoga pants. I don't wear tight clothes because it's damn unsightly, and I don't weigh 300lbs.

• Over 500 android apps have been found containing crapware that can download other programs. The issue is a plugin used by programmers, who did not know about the issue. The main target was Chinese teens, who downloaded rather a lot of these programs. Google rushed in and studied the issue, for three months, before removing the programs from the Play Store. Which programs were affected? Google hasn't chosen to share them with us. We don't have a need to know.
• How to avoid this? Very carefully.
• When you're searching for an app, read the reviews very carefully. Look for a lot of foreign reviews or really horrible English. Check how many downloads it has. Look for similar apps that feel less creepy, perhaps from a more reputable developer. See what else the developer developed.
• Whenever you install a program, pay close attention to the permissions it requests. A file manager doesn't need to make calls or send messages.
• Download Malwarebytes from the store and scan daily or on-access.
• ask

England has gone nuts (officially). The Crown Prosecution Service has just criminalized 'hate speech'. Call someone a bad word? That's a sentencing. Don't like homosexuals? That's a sentencing. Transexuals aren't real women? That's a sentencing. You're stupid? That's a sentencing. Priests don't approve of homosexuality? That's a sentencing.

The Director of Public Prosecutions said the guidelines are part of a broader conversation we need to have about tackling "extreme views" and finding ways to "prevent such opinions from gestating in the first place."

By policing speech, they're policing thought. Think about it - it is a crime in England to say something bad about someone else. The US takes its freedom of speech very seriously (except antifa). We would do well to guard against this type of government interference. In the meantime, I urge our brothers and sisters in England to do whatever is necessary, within the law, to have this repealed.

Things I Have Learned from Watching COPS

• Your policeman, soldier man and assaknot don't give you no break.
• No matter what the crook is caught with, `Dat not mines'.  If the police pull it our of their pants, the pants aren't theirs.  If they were driving, the car isn't theirs.
• People do not have needles, handguns, hand grenades or rocket launchers in their pockets.
• Police need to give every order two or three times, in their loudest voice, before people understand.
• Men with mullets commit more crime than anyone else.
• You have the right to remain silent, but you most likely won't.
• No matter how serious the crime, before going into the back of the police car, every criminal needs a cigarette.
• Inner Circle, who sings the theme song, just put out their second release.
• If there is an attractive woman on COPS, she is a meth addict (this might say more about me than them).  If there is an attractive policewoman, she was a minority hire.
• If it's 132+Bush, I've got them at gunpoint.
• `Put your hands behind your back' means `flail about wildly' in Criminal.
• Men never pick up prostitutes - they offer them rides.
• Names like Mitsuo Goto and Sandy Emiko Itao are in the credits.
• Nothing good ever happens in a trailer park.
• When the police dispatcher says `man with a gun,' the call will be about a woman hiding pork chops in her pants.
• Albuquerque is not a safe place for a transvestite truck driver to run around in a leopard leotard and lipstick, looking (and feeling) pretty.

Yeah, COPS is my one guilty pleasure.  This admission is particularly ironic in light of my recent visit from the county sheriff's office.  There I sat, watching COPS, when there was a knock at the door.  The fellow there, with the large gun, asked if I was me (which I was) and mentioned that he had a warrant because of an unpaid ticket.


Yes, certain townships within the county send the sheriff out for one unpaid ticket.  Let's face it, the reason I got the ticket in the first place was because that particular township uses tickets as a revenue stream, so it makes sense that they'd send someone to my house.


I will soon have a court date and will report accordingly.   And just in case you're curious, this is all over a parking issue.