Chicken Nuts Contain No Nuts -- New York Times

 Your love is like   standing right under the Space Shuttle rocket as it launches

With all the news about supply chain shortages, parents the world over are giving up on buying gifts for Christmas, saying they'll just let Santa deal with it. 

• Santa won't have supply chain shortages. 
• He will be able to fly right to his destinations.
• Santa won't have to deal with the mafia Teamsters at the piers
• Even Amazon will have supply chain shortages, so there's no point going online
• It's always safer to rely on a mythical figure than the US Postal Systemt

Today I identify as    a doodie face

My buddy has only been married for little while, so they're literally in their honeymoon phase. He told me about the time he took some whipped cream into the bedroom with them.

What his wife forgot to tell him was that she gave the dog and cat whipped cream, so every time she sprayed some, they heard the noise and both came running....

Indianapolis Motor Speedway To Host Autonomous Car Race

This will look different from the normal races held at Indy.

• half of the Teslas will spontaneously combust, followed by Tesla stating they aren't fully autonomous and drivers shouldn't be masturbating instead of driving
• the other half of the Teslas will run right for the emergency vehicles with revolving lights and crash into them
• the Waymos will get halfway around the course and turn into the pit stop lane, then wait patiently for traffic to go by before getting back on the oval
• the entire race will grind to a screeching halt when a piece of trash flies across the track

We moved my mom across the country recently. 

Because of where she's moving, she didn't need a lot of things from her apartment. One day, she looked at Mrs. lefty very solemnly and told her she wanted her to have this ice cream scoop. She bought it a long long time ago and it was present while we were growing up. Ok, so I have an ice cream scoop.

So that's only a little weird. The weirdness intensified when my siblings called to congratulate me on getting the ice cream scoop. I got the feeling there was a lot of jealousy there. Like maybe they would trade all the expensive carvings, furniture, and silver they took for the scoop.

I am far from greedy and don't ask for stuff. I literally got the scoop. But sometimes I feel like Charlie Brown on Halloween: "I got a rock."

(Bloomberg) -- President Joe Biden said he doesn’t think there are enough Democratic votes to raise tax rates in a deal on his economic agenda

But there were enough votes to raise our taxes to pay for his ridiculous spending bill....

• former President Trump revealed plans to open his own social network
• membership is open to everyone, provided you're not a democrat or member of the press

CDC director: U.S. may change definition of "fully vaccinated" as boosters roll out

May also change definition of "definition"

Covid-19 Vaccine Mandates Are Surviving Nearly All Court Challenges

That's right - the government owns your ass 

COPS

After watching too many British police shows, I feel competent to contrast and compare...

British Police	American Police
cuff perp, wipe dirt from shirt	kick perp in chest
say "STOP or I shall say Stop again"	"I'll shoot you, bro!"
it's too fast to chase	SPEED UP! (except California)
OMG he's got a gun!	FIRE!
Racist language- jail him	Go home-we have crime to fight
[after crash]How you doing?	"GET OUT OF THE CAR!
take walking drunk home	"Do I look like a taxi?"
"Take him to hospital"	"Take him to the hospital"
Do 3 electronic drunk tests	Walk a line without falling on your face
arrest for drink driving	arrest for drunk driving
"He's got a knife-arrest him!"	"His plate light is out-look for drugs. Machete? Cut him loose"

Based solely on the drink driving/drunk driving difference, I'll stay in the US, thank you.

[They're mostly great people doing an impossible job]

In May, Texas raised the minimum legal age for working in a sexually oriented business from 18 to 21.

More ridiculous, illegal, religion-based harassment of adult businesses. People can choose where they want to work. Unless the government owns your ass

• Italian flight attendants strip off to protest working conditions
• This is why everybody hates America. Excuse me while I book a flight...

Facebook AI moderator confused videos of mass shootings and car washes

AI is a reflection of human intelligence. Who among us hasn't confused a mass shooting with a car wash?

Recent acts of terror:

• America: gun in store
• England: van into pedestrians
• Norway: bow+arrow

Are you seeing a trend here?

We're a violent species, and will attack with any means at hand.

Also: 2 out of 3 were Islamists

Lawsuit Claims Wellesley Schools Excluded White Students From Events, Banned ‘Blue Lives Matter’ Phrase