Discuss: Brian Wilson was Terrified of Sand

 Your love is like  an accidentally bifurcated tongue

Ransom Disclosure Act would give victims 48 hours to report ransomware payments

Biden wants to tax them

Good News

Our reader with the Flying AIDS is well again. Thanks for your kinds words, prayers, wishes, and offers of chocolate.

Today I identify as   unhealthy

• Plane flying ‘will you marry me’ banner crashes, killing the passenger and injuring the pilot
• Further proving that marriage is fatal.

Leaked Grant Proposal Confirms Chinese and American Scientists Planned to Create Novel Coronavirus

Most serial killers are male. 

I know this is a fact that has occupied a lot of your time. We're all shocked that there aren't more marches and calls for Serial Killer Equity. That no one noticed the male serial killers get paid more than female serial killers. That no one has called for hiring quotas for more female serial killers.

As usual, you're gonna ask yourself how I know this stuff.

Easy, I don't. Wife does.

Facts tend to slip in and out of my head with regularity, but my serial killer knowledge is cemented in there. This is because Wife is a bit of a serial killer groupie. She has stacks and stacks of serial killer books. She watches the tv shows and movies. She knows how to get rid of the bodies too, so if I ever go missing for more than 48 hours, they won't find my body. Ever.

In the end it comes down to this: there's no challenge in it for the women.

If you're a male serial killer, you have to make plans. Come up with believable scenarios. Lure your victim. Women have heard every line in the book, so you have to do one better to manipulate and entice your victim. Play on their responsibilities and fears. Nab them at just the right moment.

Whereas with men, it's so simple as to be boring.

Science has proven that less than one inch of cleavage has more power over a man than a pocket full of hundred dollar bills. And this starts at twenty five feet. More than an inch of cleavage has power of the cube squared. Anything over a C-cup will enslave a man (and some women) for hours, sometimes years. Men will follow women anywhere, including doors with "DANGER: You are going to your death" on them. They will hold the knife while the female killer ties them down, thinking this will get fun-kinky. Sometimes something that just looks like a wink is enough. After a while, females just got bored and decided to go into more challenging areas, like golf and fashion.

A surprising victim (sorry) of this has been gay men. Statistically, if you're going home with a guy, he's 99% or more likely to be a serial killer than if you went home with a woman. Screwed if you do, screwed if you don't...

I gotta go - I think that blonde over there just winked at me....

• Finally, Dildos are Getting Safety Standards
• I'm wondering if sex toy research is something we want to be involved with
• not that we want the govt involved here - you need a license to cut hair and permission to own your car
• Related: the 20 year patent on teledildonics has expired

GM’s next driver-assist system will be hands-free in “95% of situations”

so long as the car isn't moving

• South China Sea: US submarine collides with unknown object
• Because our phenomenally expensive submarines, which are phenomenally equipped, cannot detect an 'unknown object.'
• The object is not another submarine - we don't know what we hit, but it was not a submarine
• I hope it didn't hit a torpedo...

US Senate averts crisis by voting to extend debt ceiling

Of course they did - the lowlife, tax and spend, big govt do-nothings

But it's ok - it only lasts til December, when the whole thing will start over again....

It's nothing but Debt Theater

No one said a word about paying it down...

• Microsoft has committed to Right to Repair
• unfortunately not the OS

I'm pretty well known for my mouth; I have no filters.

It's not like I'm not trying... it's just that I lost my last two filters in a tragic verbal attack.

Realizing that I'd probably need them, I asked around and found a pair of really cheap filters.

I don't start out trying to offend people, it just happens. So I figure the filters will help. Thus far I haven't insulted any pregnant women or people with dead relatives, so that's a start.

Looking back, I figured out I must be around some pretty liberal, tolerant people, because they turn me loose. I don't know if this is because they find it hysterical when I get going, or they just believe lefty is lefty and they can't do anything anyway. I have never been disinvited anywhere because of my filtration situation. In fact, I sometimes have trouble getting myself disinvited from places I don't want to go. I tried to find times when people said (behind my back), "Gee, we probably shouldn't invite lefty, for obvious reasons." Or maybe they're hoping that, with my superior talents, I get myself fired, disinvited, excommunicated, or canceled. And to this date, it hasn't happened. I'm told there was a small volunteer group at work that used to go around and apologize for whatever I just said, but I never saw it. I used to do roasts of outgoing employees. Some of them jumped through 5th floor windows, rather than hear what I had to say..

My family learned a long time ago. I'd simply show up and tell them exactly how I felt. Hey, I thought you were supposed to share your feelings, not keep them bottled up inside. It's unhealthy, I'm told. The family used a trick on me: saying "That's our lefty." Unfortunately for them, it backfired. If they accepted everything I did, mistake or not, I'd simply try harder. After a while, I simply stopped showing up. And when I didn't show up (again), they'd say "That's our lefty - he's his own man." Now I'm a little older and don't want to bother with the effort to try harder, so I have Mrs. lefty thank them for me.

It's more difficult when you have the social skills of an anvil.

The typical introvert will sit in the corner at a party and read a book, terrified that someone might come over and talk to them. The typical introvert will work diligently not to be invited to parties, or have some really great excuses why he cannot attend:

1. the dog ate my invitation
2. the dog ate my pancreas
3. something or other is in retrograde
4. I have a phone call that night
5. extrovert lessons

Then it will all be over when they apply guilt. No one can stand guilt, especially over time. Einstein put together his Special Theory of Guilt, but it didn't get near the press that relativity did. 

G=T+W

Guilt equals time plus whining.

Yes, it actually grows.

So bring a really good book (or three) to the party.

If you bring pr0n to a family event, everybody over 40 will leave you alone. Or will pretend to.

• WATCH: Philly Fans Get Arrested for Having Sex in Bathroom Stall During Eagles-Panthers Game
• this could not happen in Philly - anyone not watching a game would be beaten silly(er)

Mrs. lefty slipped in the yard (I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP) and I was called to help her up. Blasting out of the house, I found her flat, not really damaged, and smoking a cigarette. I get the impression if she somehow cut her arm off, she'd figure out how to light a ciggie while waiting for the ambulance. Reattaching the arm would be touch and go because they don't let you smoke in the ambulance or at the hospital.