Friday, October 15, 2021

Superman - a Bundle of Sticks

Your love is like   cholera

  • Superman Comes Out, (as bisexual) as DC Comics Ushers In a New Man of Steel
  • Making Superman bisexual is 'bandwagoning not brave' - actor Dean Cain
  • 70 years in the closet is a long time  

Amid drop in covid rates, Dr. Lord Fauci encourages outdoor trick-or-treating and says 'enjoy Halloween'
Says it will be safe, with the following provisions:
  • masks must be worn under and over Halloween masks
  • must stay over six feet from other trick or treaters and houses.
  • people in houses must throw candy at children's bags, six feet away. Whatever goes in they keep.
  • all candy must be vaccinated


Today I identify as  a number three pencil


WARNING
  • Laser vagina menopause therapy shows no benefit in trial


California's been busy, as usual, doing Weird Shit.
Sales of gas-powered lawn mowers and leaf blowers will be illegal. GET YOURS NOW. Soon only criminals will have gas-powered lawn tools!  You could make some real money, trucking them in from out of state.

Governor and head of Light Entertainment, Gavin Newsom, hath decreed that large toy stores must have an aisle for non-gendered toys. No pink or blue. No sense.

Stealthing: California bans non-consensual condom removal
also bans sneezing, murder, and running people over with bicycles


  • Pentagon says hypersonic weapons are too expensive
  • hang on... when was the last time the Pentagon said something was too expensive?
  • They must be going with an even more expensive weapon


The Faucet

Finally having retrieved the faucet from the car, where it was hiding, I opened it carefully, lest it think I was a newbie and go SPLOING, sending all its minuscule parts all over the kitchen. Looking at the instructions, I should have taken them to the Reading Room and spent a week ingesting its wisdom.

I don't do plumbing. I've seen it done, but preferred to leave it in the realm of Magic. I prefer electricity. I'd rather change a light switch with the power on than try plumbing. They say homeowners become plumbers, electricians, and general handymen. Others say they have to, because plumbers, electricians, and handymen don't return calls or show up. Still others recommend calling the company that rhymes with Moto Scooter, who always show up, but only for plumbing. If I remember correctly, Moto Scooter has a flat fee system, wherein they tell you what the fee is and you go flat. I think sinks are $400.

The box said easy installation - all you need is a screwdriver, wrench, and a left handed smoke shifter. I was overjoyed, as all these tools were within easy reach and with 3 tools, it couldn't be too difficult! They lied. All you need is a screwdriver, wrench, left handed smoke shifter, and a plumber.

This process was kicked off by the hot water knob breaking off. Since even I won't use pliers to turn the hot water on, we needed a new faucet. The instructions were well-illustrated and in three languages, so I knew they were serious. It looked mildly do-able, plus all my friends and family said it was almost idiot-proof. You know when something is idiot-proof, they just make a better idiot, and here I am. The first issue seemed to be the traffic jam we created by running separate hot and cold into one lane. This worried me, but I decided to have faith (this one time) in the instructions.  The long and short of it is that you plug the faucet's lines into the shutoff valves.

BZZZZZT - there are no shutoff valves. 

I suspect I need the wet suit from the bedroom (don't ask).
The problem with my house is my the builder of my house. Everything is rigged and every shortcut was taken. Of course there are no shutoff valves. There may be one on the toilet, but I've never found it. I think the house did not originally have a second floor, making it very difficult to get to sleep at night. At any moment, the second floor could take the express elevator and become the first floor. The only thing I'm sure of is the humongous joists and concrete floor. Unfortunately the concrete floor is on the second floor, not the basement. We have a swimming pool, but it's more of an unintentional pool and only operates when it rains. Fortunately it's not on the second floor.

So now I've come to the first difference between the instructions and Real Life<tm>. This is very bad because my plumbing knowledge is only slightly greater than my ballet knowledge and opera knowledge combined.  I decided to flout the instructions, and start out doing things the Man Way. This means I tried ripping it apart.

BZZZZZT - the large nut holding the hot knob down also turns the hot knob. Even after I cleaned it out, every time I tried to get the nut off, the hot water turned on. Fearing this was a warning of exactly how this was going to proceed, I did the smart thing and gave up immediately. I thought this was a two man job perhaps, or at least a one man job for someone who knew what they were doing. Since the men in the house totaled one, I had to wait til the woman got back from the shoe store, where she was praying to find me alive (or dead) when she got back. (if I were alive, I'd die when I saw what she bought)

They say there is always a silver lining and there was: I got all the dishes washed without hurting myself or the dog.


  • Windows, aka The Great Titanic, needed to reboot on the work computer, making it so much easier to type this. You cannot stop it, not even with a note from the principal.


The first Arab mission to Mars is yielding significant data.
There are a few minor problems, though... 
  • ship can't figure out which direction to turn to pray
  • kept firing on the Israeli satellite
  • backup computer kept getting fouled with beard hair


Chevy Bolts have been recalled, for new battery packs. They, too, have been spontaneously combusting, and they didn't want to be outdone by Tesla.  In fact, Chevy is boasting more battery fires than Tesla already. Remember the days of the internal combustion engine (last week), where there were no fires? Twenty years from now, auto manufacturers will boast about their battery-powered vehicles, stating there was a small period where they had to get the battery technology right...


  • Study reveals Android phones constantly snoop on their users
  • SHOCKING


In an interview, Paul McCartney finally let loose that John Lennon actually broke up the Beatles. He wanted to fly solo. When reading the interview, it reads best if you substitute Yoko for every instance of John Lennon.


  • Germany unveiled the first self-driving train
  • Germany is very efficient: more dead if the train crashes vs self-driving cars


France: Train kills three migrants lying on tracks
Hey, let's lay on the train tracks - what's the worst that can happen?


Flying AIDS News
  • Southwest Airlines, the military, and more are Very Angry about vaccine mandates. Southwest crew is suing, no one else has gotten them. Southwest. 
  • Speaking of Southwest, they are experiencing their 5th day of serious cancellations and have yet to convincingly explain why.
  • 911 System In Jeopardy As First Responders Reject Jab
  • Texas Governor Greg Abbott bans mandatory vaccination in state
  • Wisconsinites plan to sue “every school board” that ignores CDC’s COVID advice


Her: Come look at this in the basement
Him: I can't see. Gotta flashlight?
Her: let me remember where I put it. Oh, here it is.
Him: battery's dead.
Her: let me find another one
Him: You have 52 flashlights, there has to be one that works
Her: sorry
Him: ok, we need batteries. Let me put them on the list. Gotta pen?
Her: Can't find one.
Him: You collect pens. We have more pens than individual specks of dust. Why can't I ever find one?
Her: Your socks are still here, in pairs, so maybe the pens go wherever the socks would go....
Him: I need a drink. Please tell me you can find one..



There's a war brewing. You want to keep your head down because it gets nasty.
Yes, I'm talking about jimmies vs sprinkles.
We've always called them jimmies. Never heard of sprinkles til recently.
Wife is very upset.
I just want to stay out of firing range.


So William Shatner finally made it to space.
He had comments....
  • Who in their right mind would send a 90 year old man into space?
  • Dammit.. why didn't Sulu fire on Earth when I ordered him to?
  • Somebody tell them I'm an actor - I've never really been in space
  • What do you mean Spock's dead?
  • If you don't behave, I'll sing... I swear
  • can I get a nurse to clean me up, please?


India man jailed for killing wife with cobra in Kerala
The snake bit the sleeping woman but not the guy who carried it to the bed?
Didn't he have the smarts to be 'out of town' when this happened?
Death penalty demanded: no mention if for husband or snake







No comments:

Post a Comment