Your love is like the great taste of razor blades
AI completed Beethoven's unfinished tenth symphony.
It sounded like a combination of Sinatra and Megadeth
Historians (and AI) are reasonably sure Beethoven knew Sinatra. There is some debate about Megadeth.
Today I identify as a broken coffee machine - the saddest thing on earth
(and why can't the British spell?)
It's not in the Koran, but Muhammad was a jolly dude who had his one little 'thing'. You know... all of us have that one 'thing'. One little hangup that almost sets us apart, that people can point to and laugh at. Muhammad didn't like his picture taken, therefore you can't picture Muhammad.
The problem here is that nobody knows this, so they can't use it as an excuse to burn stuff and cut off body parts. [have I been canceled yet?] Quite frankly, I don't like to have my picture taken either, and I get kinda choppy when somebody tries to depict me.
Muhammad and Jesus haven't come back and I don't blame them. When they see what is being done in their name, they will have a cardiac event.
- There’s a Multibillion-Dollar Market for Your Phone’s Location Data
- your data is out there being collected and sold, and you certainly aren't benefiting from it
- law enforcement too....
This is the best thing to ever happen to Internet of Things devices: Security through Suicide!
The device looks like some weird futuristic electric dog that follows you around. Add the spying for Amazon and you have another $42 billion for Jeff Bezos.
This thing wouldn't last 13 seconds in my house, even if it didn't spy. The dog would see it following her mommy around and promptly disembowel it.
- In a major outage the other day, Facebook, along with its sibling sites, WhatsApp and Instagram, became unreachable for hours. Real-time website status tracker DownDetector received over 14 million reports from users who couldn't use the social media giant's apps and services.
- only 14 million?
- work productivity around the world went up 66%
- entire families went silent; people were forced to talk to each other
- everyone had to go to Twitter for cat pics
- people walking around with blank stares, not being able to upload their selfies
Fun in the Workplace
Someone, way up the chain, who gets the Executive Pharmaceuticals, decided everyone must get a Flying AIDS shot.
This was not a popular decision for everyone up the chain under the decider.
The amount of tiptoeing and purposely not commenting but commenting is amazing.
The supervisors made it plain that if you have questions, ask the decider, not them.
We know how I feel about mandates.
There's no reason in the world I should be mandated to receive shots - I work from home every day, do not go into the office, and do not come in contact with any coworkers or customers. I don't even need a frickin' mask. This is precisely the governmental overreach we need to vote out. *I am not saying you don't need a vaccine - YOU make that decision. I am saying I don't need a mandate (or a vaccine).
You voted this in. I keep paying for it.
The Car?
You thought we were done with Car Repair Hell.
Well, we were.
Now it's Inspection Hell.
All of the necessary paperwork was in the glove compartment at the time of the accident.
The inspection garage says there's nothing there.
Of course there's nothing there.
We can't walk to the mailbox without things falling from the sky or having to fill out paperwork online and paying a fee.
So we call the insurer to send a copy of the insurance.
They haven't returned the call.
I noticed that they never answer the phone. I leave a voicemail and they call me back. I think they have better things to do than do their jobs, like maybe doing their other jobs. Pretty soon it will be leaf-raking season. Tutoring their kids at home. Something to do with Pokemon.
Then we do the one thing everyone hates, the thing that makes Roman gods, Superman, and the president quake in their boots: go online to the DMV.
The DMV site was put together by bid, with the winner being the lowest bidder. The Bargain Bidder learned his lesson (Bob, at Bob's Web Sites, Inc.) by having to sit with DMV personnel, to make it impossible, as well as relatives of the late Dr. Josef Mengele, to make it extremely painful. This resulted in a site that nobody can use. Nobody can even traverse it. In fact, you're lucky if you can pull it up at all. The server that houses the site is an old android phone, in Bob's basement.
You are presented with a myriad of choices, making you think you can do these things or get somewhere on the site. You spend 30 minutes looking for the button that says "copy of registration," only to find out there is no button called "copy of registration." You continue to putz around the site, eventually settling on Registration. You are presented with a bunch of options you can perform in reference to your registration: buy a new one, buy a personalized new one, pay for other stuff, and eventually, get an instant copy. Yay - you found it!
No you didn't. There is no link to get an instant copy, merely the assurance that you can.
Thinking, in spite of the massive headache brewing, you take a silly wild-ass guess (SWAG) and hit Online Services. Believe it or not, there's an option to get "copy of registration." They want your credit card number, eye color, and nostril diameter. Ok, that's doable. They also want your plate number and title number.
Oh, geez, the plate number will be difficult to see because the car is 20 miles away at the garage, which isn't open whenever you need to call. The title number... well... WTF is a title number? Strangely, title number has a link. Even more strangely, the link goes to an explanation of what a title number is and where to find it.
Where do you find the title number? On the registration slip.
THE REGISTRATION SLIP YOU DON'T HAVE AND NEED A COPY OF.
Welcome to the DMV. Leave brain by the door. Do not pass go. Pay $200.
Incidentally, The DMV has been responsible for more divorces than cheating. Either way you get fscked.
Where IS all this paperwork we need?
Well, it WAS in the glove compartment.
When the car got hit, it was given to the tow driver.
It hasn't been seen since.
It is in Tow Document Limbo.
Call the inspection garage and catch them between off hour blocks.
Oh, you're going online? Good luck with that. Phew.
Oh, and by the way, I just wanted to let you know... when we DO the inspection, you have a plate light out. It is placed strangely. WE WILL HAVE TO TAKE OFF THE BUMPER TO REPLACE THE BULB.
Sometimes I wonder if there are cameras following us around. This stuff is too whacked out and too numerous to happen to normal people. We are a tv show.
Speaking of us, I was asked whats wrong with the hot water.
This is typical of the questions I receive and can mean anything from 'there's no hot water' to 'there's not enough hot water to wash your service elephant'. In this case it meant 'the hot water knob fell off the faucet.'
My ancestors did not do plumbing. There was nothing to pass down.
My dad could do a lot of stuff, but there's no way to get his assistance, being dead and all.
My brother replaced a toilet paper roll once.
My mom got a new kitchen.
So you see, I'm screwed.
This being 2021, one can take a picture of the damage and ask the helpful folks at [insert home repair megastore that doesn't have enough staff to ring purchases, no less suggest plumbing repairs].
Wife: my faucet broke. I have pictures.
Cashier: I see.
Wife: what do you think?
Cashier: were those 2 for $5?
Wife: about my faucet
Cashier: [looks at pictures] Yes, that's definitely broken. In all the pictures.
Wife: do you have anybody who has ever seen a plumbing part working today?
Cashier: [popping chewing gum, sexting boyfriend] Ummmm..... no. Due to the Flying AIDS, we're horribly understaffed. Would you like a job? You get a 10% discount on screws.
Wife: Nah, I'm already feeling kinda screwed, thanks.
Now comes the everyday difficulty in communication between wife and me:
What I said: Please go to the store and ask if it can be fixed.
What she hears: It's time to get one of those spiffy new faucets, with the wand so I can shoot you for getting too close to me in the kitchen. They have BlueTooth and let the entire internet know when they're passing water. [I thought about something to let the entire internet know when I pass water once...]
What she said: I got this great deal on a faucet at CostCo.
What I said: how much?
What my brother said: it's so easy even you can do it, provided the valves are ok
What I said: What's a valve?
What I said: Where did you put the faucet you bought?
What she said: It's in the trunk of the car, where it's staying tonight.
What I heard: I'm strengthening my resources and looking for earplugs for when you start to install it.
The only faucet mildly interesting to me is Farrah. She shares my dad's complete failure in the respiration department.
Tesla said it was not aware of any non-crash "battery fires associated
with fast charging in the United States or any other country" other than
those two in China. "And F- China." Tesla added, "We're only aware of twenty five spontaneously appearing fires, but they don't count because they're not traveling on roads, therefore not covered by road safety agencies."
An Air India plane learned some more about physics, specifically that you can't take a seven foot plane through a six foot underpass.
Asked for comment, Air India said the plane was scrapped and sold, and is not their responsibility.
And even if it was, their technical staff at the Delhi airport is all new and has ADHD, so they tend to miss stuff every now and then. Small things like sixes and sevens and the word 'not.'
Many drew parallels with a similar incident which reportedly happened in
the state of West Bengal in December 2019 when an abandoned Air India
post plane got stuck under a bridge. The word in India is that if you buy a scrapped Air India plane, you cut it up and fly it out.
- Sometimes it's just better if Nemo isn't found
It's not like I don't hate Windows enough... it just keeps giving me reasons to hate it more.
I got a large notification that there was an update and was going to reboot. I snoozed it for 3 hours.
15 minutes later, it informed me it was going to reboot. It had a SNOOZE button, but it was grayed out. This is my work computer, so I kinda need to work. Then it's going to take 30 minutes to apply the updates I am not 'allowed' to refuse. Then it will reboot and continue updating. By allowing this alleged operating system to exist, work have tacitly informed me that working is not necessary; indeed it is secondary to vagaries of the operating system.
Windows: it's not an operating system, it's a virus.
It's that time of the year, when rodents get cold and figure out how to get in the house. This is as opposed to ant season, which I don't have the strength or desire to go into. This is a great time of year to have a cat. Since our cat has been dead for many years, the dog has stepped up. She has caught a number of mice, but outside. She has also caught birds, squirrels, and candy bars. In impersonating a cat, she has developed one of the most annoying cat behaviors: she knows where we're going to walk and is there before we are. It's like herding people. The other day, she heard something, so she went on the hunt: she stood there and barked at it. This was about as helpful as a barking cat. Of course if cats could bark, they would do it all day, just because it was annoying.
This caused the unintended effect of Alert Status.
The dog goes into Hunt Mode.
I go into Sleep Mode.
Wife gets serious and gets armed. There's a helmet, a vest with pockets, several small arms, and a surface to surface missile she drags behind her. The insurance company told the mortgage company, and now I have to limit the amount of explosives in the missiles. Bastards.
We also have every type of mouse trap ever made. None of them work, and are just an exercise in making the purchaser feel better. Sometimes they just eat the bait without triggering the trap. Mostly the traps just sit there, hopefully out of the dog's range. If she started barking at the traps, we'd have to move.
I'll naturally keep you up to date as events proceed. My goal is a picture of the little bastard, with a spike through its head (fsck PETA).
- ‘It’s Bad, It’s Bad’: Proctor Teens Say Students Used Item To Sodomize Teammate, Shared Video Online, causing Minnesota high school to cancel its football season
- I think these students showed great initiative: this stunt is so incredibly stupid that they are already showing signs of Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). This is pro football at the high school level!
Speaking of Traumatic Brain Injury, two white tv anchors were suspended for wearing afro wigs on the air.
Seriously now... who, from the anchors to the head of the network, could fail to predict the outcome of wearing afro wigs on the air?
A Turkish man did the right thing and joined in the search for a missing person.
It was only a short while until he discovered he was the person being searched for.
He got drunk, slept at a friend's house, and his wife reported him missing.
This story is laced with postitvity: at least his wife missed him enough to call.
They completely blew this... they should have given him a Tesla. It would only be a matter of time until the car spontaneously combusted, taking care of the problem and saving them almost $100,000.
- An 88 year old South Carolina man died in a freak lawnmower drowning: the beast overturned into a creek and he was stuck under.
- And you laugh at my fear of mowing....it's deadly!
Taking the SJW to Space
SpaceX’s Satellite Megaconstellations Are Astrocolonialism, Indigenous Advocates Say
Givenchy criticised for noose necklace at Paris Fashion Week
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