After 12 Hours, Your Crotch Smells a 6 on a scale of 10

Don't ask me - I didn't write that. That's the claim of the alleged doctor, trying to sell some cream that makes your crotch, and other parts of you, not stink. You know, that annoying commercial that looks like it was shot with an old cell phone. Whoever came up with this idea for a commercial was completely under the influence of something and was mostly joking.

In related news, we escaped from the house last weekend. This is never good news, and it had been weeks since the last time, so I was a bit.... prickly...  from not getting out for a few weeks.

We found the one mall that wasn't half empty of stores, due to the Flying AIDS. We have no idea why, but it was good to see. Unfortunately we were there to eat first, so we went to the place with the cheesecake. They told us it would be 30 minutes' wait. I told them no, it wouldn't, and walked.  I shouldn't have to wait 30 minutes, especially when it's not mealtime and anyone with halfway decent vision could see the many tables that were waiting for customers. 

Then we walked to the 'food court.' Cajun Asian food? A Philly steak place in Philly? A closed Chik-Filet (because Jesus didn't eat chicken on Sundays). It was pretty miserable. A salad store? ACK! Oh wait, a brewery.. it was supposed to have good food, and we don't drink beer at all, so it was perfect. And when I say perfect, I mean we waited by several entrances and nobody could be bothered to greet or seat. I guess they were too busy for customers.

Our final hope was Friday's. I've had ok food at Friday's, so we went there, with great hope. Of course with great hope comes great expectations and with great expectations comes great disappointments; they were closed. How many large chain restaurants are closed? It looked dusty in the windows, like they were getting ready for Halloween, but we feared it hadn't been open since last Halloween.

My powers are great and they're back! I can halt all customer service and entire businesses by merely showing up.  The power is awesome, but with great power comes great responsibility. Local restaurants as well as national chains pay me not to come anywhere near their businesses, so they'll stay open. I don't really work in IT security....

So we went to our favorite diner, where I have no apparent effect on the service. Perhaps because there are never any other customers there.  I wonder if that's my fault too....

Q. How do you know you're in trouble purchasing Eeyore merchandise?

A. The attractive foreign girl at the kiosk asks, "What [is] Eeyore?"

Have you ever had to describe a depressed purple cartoon donkey to anyone? 

 

Across Israel, Jews and Arabs Join Forces to Help War Victims and Prevent Riots

It's not the people - it's their alleged 'leaders'. With exceptions, nobody's looking to kill civilians. I think people should get day jobs that they share with the 'other side.' You'd be surprised how well they work together and don't want to kill each other.

The people mentioned above are living their religion and morals.  Do not kill. Help others.

 

The Mormons were around last Saturday.

My friends wanted to know if I answered the door naked, or with a leather outfit.

Neither.

You gotta feel sorry for people whose religion has 'rules' that not only get you up early Sunday, you also have to get up early Saturday and knock on doors of people, none of whom want to see you. Maybe they weren't Mormons - they were definitely trying to look hip. How many hip Mormons do you know? They even had black Mormons. Most of the door-knockers had t-shirts that said 'At least we're not Scientologists'.

• The Phillies once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory and managed to lose. My friend says she's a lifelong Philly fan, so she's used to loss. As the AntiSports, I cackle and move on.

surveillance world

• ICE Uses Tool To Find 'Derogatory' Speech Online   Ze Fuhrer vill decide
• Oops! Google Search caught publicly indexing users’ conversations with Bard AI
• A Key US Government Surveillance Tool Should Face New Limits, a Divided Privacy Oversight Board Says
• UK passport images database could be used to catch shoplifters
• ICE, CBP, Secret Service All Illegally Used Smartphone Location Data
• Chinese citizens feel their government is doing such a fine job with surveillance

--Americans do too, the difference being the Chinese government is SUPPOSED to spy on its citizens

There are LEAVES on my lawn 

I sure as hell didn't put them there.  Last time I looked, the grass was there.

You see, leaves are the final stage of mowing, the thing I hate most.

The dear departed Crazy Lady next door went to war with me about raking leaves. I hope she doesn't come back to haunt me, this being Halloween and all....

This is the back yard; the dog's personal bathroom. I look at it every day, several times, because she has to go out there. Since the weather got ugly(er), the grass was alerted to stop growing. Well, the grass out back... the grass in front ignores any seasonal cues and grows, just to spite me. And when I say grass, I mean weeds. I mow and within 2 days, the weeds are taller than the grass. Within a few more days, it has to be mowed again. I know it's personal and I never get over it. I remember previous Halloweens where the grass needed to be cut (excuse me, the weeds). 

After the final stage of mowing, the actual final stage will arrive. This takes  the form of Wife and me arguing about raking leaves. The dog's bathroom is full of leaves but I don't see any reason to rake them. It's not a public walkway and involves lots of raking, putting the little bastards in huge bags (the leaves, not the kids), then towing the bags out front. It's too much work and I see no benefit, aside from the cessation  of the screaming, so there's that.

Halloween itself is an interesting time of the year. It's getting colder (it was in the 70s last week, so it's 40 today). It's time when parents dress their kids in some crappy old outfit that no one can guess, then bus them into our neighborhood, where they heard we give out good candy, or we give out full size candy bars. I don't care which, I just find it a little annoying. Our neighborhood seems to be mostly dogs and their people; I can go days without seeing a child. Yet on Halloween, there are tons of kids. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting one of them (I just found out this is not a universal phrase - people, I don't swing dead cats, it's a figure of speech). 

Due to Supply Chain Issues, the candy got smaller and the cost doubled.

One of us is really fond of the holiday... really fond. You could guess, and you would be correct, that it's the one of us who likes kids. You know, the one who doesn't author this blog. The problem is that she isn't always around, having made some incredible excuse as to why she couldn't participate this year (sudden fear of children, no dead cats to swing, forgot to get candy..), so I get left holding the (empty) bag, which should be full of enough candy to withstand the busing and a few months' supply of candy. Since the timing is inconvenient and there's pr0n on the net, and since I don't like kids, I put the candy in a huge bowl and let the little bastards children pick their favorites. From time to time I refill the bowl. This absolves me of responsibility for Halloween and allows me to get back to Important Stuff<tm>. Then we both get to eat the leftovers, provided they're not lollipops, gummy dead animals, anything that even looks like fruit, or diet chocolate. Have you ever had dietetic chocolate? You bite into it, expecting the glorious chocolate goodness, then all of the sudden, you realize someone has tried to poison you. If you're still alive you ask why there isn't a HUGE yellow label on the box, that says WARNING - THIS IS DIETETIC CANDY - THERE IS NO SUGAR - DO NOT EAT! Then you dispose of them after consulting the HAZMAT people for proper disposal instructions. It turns out the precautions for disposing of dietetic candy are more stringent than for disposal of spent nuclear rods.

To my surprise, Wife has come up with yet another original excuse for missing Halloween (parents in hospital, need to stay in the will), so it's just me. Again.

The problem here, aside from my severe dislike for holidays, weeds, and people, is that there's no candy. This tends to loom large on this holiday. Why, you ask, isn't there any candy? Good question.

THE CAR HAS A FLAT.

Of course it does. We've had it for years and only $10k in body damage, but never a flat. 

We even have a donut (or something... it's covered by Stuff and I refuse to deal with it when I'm working) so somebody called the service with a lot of A's in it. This is not always a good idea. We knew this wasn't going to be a delightful experience when they wanted to tow the car to the AAA garage 30 minutes away. Not to make waves or anything, but why not the one around the corner, where they towed it last time?  "Oh, we don't have a listing for that." Imagine that... well I don't have a listing for patience.

 A few hours later, Junior left us a message. This is a futile endeavor. SOMEBODY (the dog?) left a house phone out back. While the grass might have stopped growing, the weather continued.  Surprisingly, the phone worked when brought inside, covered with a towel, fed it coffee, and sung to it. It only had a problem when we went to actually dial. SO, soon we'll have our 4th wireless phone in 1 year.  Where was the 2nd handset? Nobody knows, but it definitely wasn't near the one out back, that's for sure.  Where is Mrs. lefty's cell phone? Over there. It won't charge. Ok, use my phone.... just don't tell anybody to call back because it refuses any number not in the address book. Naturally Junior called back on my phone. So I called him, waited the standard 45 minutes for his workmates to find him, and got.... hold on... surprise! I got his voicemail. 6 hours later I called again, pretending I didn't know his name and asking for status (this way always works). The flat, with free towing, was going to cost about $700.

I know for a fact that the car found out the guitar show is this weekend. There's no other explanation for it developing problems. My house, car, and family are all in it together, to deprive me of more guitars and guitar-related equipment. I want to be fair - when you replace a tire, you should replace the other one too, get it aligned, then fly in a bishop to bless it and sign off on the work. I don't trust AAA mechanics - and sure enough, there were additional charges, like warranties, nose-picking charge, FAA charges, and something about safe disposal of dietetic candy charges. After this bout of sticker shock, we thought we were done. You're fsking kidding me, right? It needed brakes and a left handed smokeshifter, along with a left handed catcher's mitt.  I'll let you guess which of these items doesn't exist.

And after the regulation 27 hour period to complete any job at all, including filling a tire with air, off Wife goes to visit sick parents in hospital. And I'm stranded, without candy, and filled with remorse that I'm depriving the little children out of the Holiday Experience<tm>. Maybe next year, they won't bus the kids in.

My Hovercraft Remains Full of Eels

 Your love is like  a bone graft

Nothing fills me with joy and hope for humanity more than discovering Americans Idle is in its 19th season. Except that the bigger, better show is The Masked Furry. Rome is burning - who's fiddlin'? 

The CDC, always correct damn near all the time, said to end the hygiene theater. The Flying AIDS is spread through the air - stop sending Clorox stock through the roof.

America's Doctor, Dr. Fauci, will send out a statement disagreeing with this, in 5..4..3..2..1..

Now if we can only get rid of Security Theater at the airports.

Headline: Death Row Inmate Dies

U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen on Monday urged the adoption of a minimum global corporate income tax, an effort to at least partially offset any disadvantages that might arise from the Biden administration’s proposed increase in the U.S. corporate tax rate. 

This appears to be a band aid for countries easing taxes on businesses.

1. Who is any country to levy taxes on other countries?
2. Why not go after the cause of the problem?
3. We're a One World Government, a-comin down the tracks

The ACLU is now sharing your info with Faceyspaces.

You can opt-out but you have to look for it.

The ACLU has done some great work, like them or not. This is not.

Today I identify as  axle grease

NATIONWIDE KETCHUP SHORTAGE

The country is in major panic.

People are taking off their masks and running into stores to find the precious red substance.

People may have to stop putting it on hot dogs and lunchmeat (a sick practice)

• Hollywood, soon to be back in business, is writing its first major picture as we speak: Covid 2 - This Time it's Also Fatal. If this is successful, you guessed it: Covid III - Mutated, Immune to the Shots

Today's Question: if someone with bipolar disorder is out of meds, can they consume lithium grease?

The Vatican has been digging a secret tunnel in Jerusalem in order to exhume King David's DNA and resurrect the Messiah, a rabbi has claimed.

This should be interesting...

He's my messiah.

No, he's my messiah. 

George Bush said God spoke to him personally. Maybe he can ask God what's up with this.

COMMENTATOR: In this corner, weighing 1,000 tons of treasure, is the Catholic Church. Tell us about the Church, Bob.

COLOR COMMENTATOR: Well, the church isn't as popular as it once was, owing to the decline in organized religion, and the worldwide coverup of child molestation. They still have almost unlimited resources and have long been the heavyweight favorite.

COMMENTATOR: in the far corner is Israel. 

COLOR: Long the underdog, Israel is a furious fighter, with missiles second only to the US. And Ralph, this is going to be a difficult one; bringing about the messiah. Especially when every mother thinks their son is the messiah.

Catholics believe that Jesus Christ was the son of God and the Messiah predicted to come and save the world from its sins in the Old Testament, and are holding out for his Second Coming one day.

However, believers in Judaism don't believe Jesus was the son of God, and are still waiting for the first coming of the Messiah. 

COLOR: So we have a fundamental difference of opinion here, Ralph, which should make for an interesting fight. I have to admit a tiny bit of skepticism here, over the claim that the Church is trying to get King David's DNA to build a clone to fool people into believing he's the Messiah. That's some dirty pool.

COMMENTATOR: Indeed, Bob. Indeed.

• LG is quitting the phone market
• bummer - they were a great alternative. I've had 2.

30 year old Soviet TV adaptation of Lord of the Rings surfaces on YouTube

Comrade, I look for ring

No, ring is for all peoples

Putin: ring is for me. I am President for Life

Speaking of which, Russian physicians studying why opponents of Vladimir "the Impaler" Putin always develop fatal diseases have suddenly ended their study. The verdict is that they were incorrect, everything is fine, and they apologize most humbly and sincerely to Mr. Putin.

• I just got a big-ass bag of caramel M&Ms. It says 'sharing size'.
• do I have to share? 

Mrs. Sri Lanka suffered head injuries after her crown was seized by a rival seeking her disqualification. 

Now this is what we like to see - the ratings will go through the roof!  All we need is to add Donald Trump and the ratings will top Americans Idle.

Chick fight!

• Many people are getting really upset about AI and facial recognition because it doesn't identify black people. Ummm..... let's think about this for a minute... isn't the goal in a free society to not be identified? I'd be damn happy about it. 

I didn't think this was going to be a bad time, but AAA is really making my head spin. Day One they tried to start, failed, then had to order a tow. Day Two I had to call and they said 'it was next'. Day Three they called with a list of suggested repairs. No. The battery price was obscene. Granted, I haven't purchased a battery in a while, but it was well under $100 and I installed it myself. This time it was pushing $200. JFC. Next time I'll know - buy and install privately. JFC.

They recommended a few other services, like those oil change places:

• one windshield wiper was starting to streak
• the animanicapistan was on the fritz
• three oil changes, because the battery died
• nose hair adjustment, because the battery died
• and the required air filter change because the battery died. the labor for replacing the air filter is $400. Any malady with any car will require an air filter, even if you just replaced it the prior day.
• the battery is guaranteed for 6 years, which is a lot longer than the car

This car is like that movie with the odd little lady and the girl who went 'into the tv' (Poltergeist?). The father character, Craig T Nelson, had a bit of an adversarial relationship with his station wagon. He gave it to the (American) indian character, whereupon it worked flawlessly. This car really doesn't like Mrs. lefty. Four other people have driven it and look at her like she's nuts because it works fine for them. She's terrified to drive it more than 2 miles. It misbehaves terribly - stopping, barely running, chugging, and parking itself in front of shoe stores. I've never heard of the last one, but Mrs. lefty does not lie.  What this means is that it's going to become 'my' car, and she gets to drive the nice new one. Smart woman. 

This may be the largest topic ever (not) covered on this blog: sleep 

Sleep info is relatively easy to come by, and is wrong only about 99% of the time.

My mom always said to get as much sleep as possible.

I find the more I sleep, the more tired I am. If I get over 6 hours, I'm dragging.

The 'authorities' say to get a lot of sleep. 

Some 'experts' say you have a sleep deficit. I can sleep 22 hours Friday and Saturday nights. These were the same experts who said to get the same amount of sleep every night. This led to Zombie Weekends, with or without alcohol-fueled mayhem.

No matter what they say, they're wrong. Or my body laughs at them. My body, like most of me, laughs at everyone.

If I get 4 hours of sleep, I'm fine, and good for technical and car racing tasks.

If I get 6 hours of sleep, I'm fine, and can get through work fairly asleep.

If I get 8 hours of sleep, I drag, and probably shouldn't try to fill up the car.

If I get 10 hours of sleep, I need 4 naps. Sex is fine, because that part never sleeps.

If I get 12 hours of sleep, I stay in bed because I'm too tired to get out. I start remembering dreams, which is not a good thing, if you've ever seen my dreams.

If I get 3 hours of sleep, I'm much better with small, intricate tasks, provided I'm not given small, intricate tasks. I'm more alive and focused, whatever that means. My camera is focused, not my person. Besides, people with ADD can't focus.

Although several units of excessive time are getting out of bed, starting to put socks on, and putting the 2nd sock on. You just sit there, in space somewhere. It's difficult to move. Not to mention the loud shriek every morning you hear the alarm. OH NO! NOOOOOOOO! JUST KILL ME NOW. THAT WASN'T 5 HOURS. BUT THE DOG WAS SNORING ALL NIGHT. 

Sleep: you're never gonna get enough. 

The latest Flying AIDS silliness is about handshaking and touch....

"The pandemic forced us to stop hugging, shaking hands: that's not necessarily a bad thing"

Please.

If you don't like to touch people, fine.

The pic (and the concept) is hysterical.

I guess the Boob Exam and the Genital Rub are out.

500 million + records leaked

Just Because I'm Standing Doesn't Mean I'm Awake

Happy Bunnies, Everybody 

Remember to shop for candy tomorrow, when everything's on sale.

 Your love is like  an airplane in flight. aimed at the ground.

Today the pope popped out of his cave and gave his homely. He suggested that we have a brand new year ahead. Full of brand new little boys - wink wink.

We've had a 25 year long fight with vacuums. We've purchased everything, from the bottom to the top and there is no difference. Perhaps it's an artifact of a time where everything is disposable, but it's a real pain in the bottom for us. They don't last a year, if that long.  You'd think we use the things as baseball bats or to beat each other when we're mad, and we'd have to be mad a lot. Everybody tells me they have no problem with theirs. It never surprises me when we're the screaming exception to the rule. There has always been a dog plus two adults, which is apparently way past the acceptable operating conditions of all vacuums. We even bought that vacuum that can hold onto a bowling ball. We turned it on, it immediately sucked up a pair of pantyhose from the next floor, and stopped working within its first minute.

Mrs. lefty says it's the things we require it to pick up. 

You mean like dirt? 

She tells me we have to go around and pick stuff up before we vacuum.

Ummmm..... no.  Seriously, I may be old fashioned, but when I buy a vacuum, I expect it to pick stuff up. I am not inflexible... I pick up stuff I know the vacuum can't, like cars, chainsaws, and toothbrushes. I'm just not going to pre-vacuum for the vacuum. I hear a relative used to clean before her cleaning crew showed up. The wife, with fibromyalgia and all sorts of other problems, will get down on her knees and pick stuff up before vacuuming. I refuse, on principle. It's a bleedin' vacuum... it's supposed to vacuum stuff up. I don't expect the vacuum to pick up twigs; I do expect it to pick up dirt, hair, and bits of this and that which happen to wind up on the carpet. I don't hose the car down before the car wash. Work doesn't clean the windows before the power-washers show up. On the other hand, I do whatever I can to get the engines running before boom boom. That's the only reason Mrs. lefty is still married to me.

We have not had a vacuum that operated for more than one use before stopping. Some stopped during use. I inadvertently became an expert in taking them apart to find out where clogs are.  I just removed enough dog hair to build several small dogs (or completely cover my head, but I don't have enough glue or patience). The vacuum will run for damn near 3 minutes before the warning light comes on. There was a time when vacuums would pick up anything, including 2x4's and small children. They didn't need warning lights. Think about it - the vacuum isn't picking stuff up, and you need a light to tell you something's wrong? It doesn't vacuum so much as move the dirt around, in sometimes visibly appealing patterns.

Most of our dogs were highly antagonized by vacuums. Penny doesn't care, bless her. She just continues shedding, making more work for it (and me). Maybe she's secretly working together with the evil machine. 

The key to successful vacuuming is to have an area with a ton of crap on it, so there is precious little carpet visible. This way you don't have a lot of carpet to vacuum and it always makes a huge difference. The people on Hoarders don't have trouble with vacuums. Being a slob, cleaning-averse, or terrified of vacuums is actually a positive here. I won't say that there are two of those kinds of people in the house, but there are two of those kinds of people in the house. The dog, however, is a huge contributor to the mess. Not only does she shed, she spends her time surgically disemboweling her stuffed animals and getting the fuzz all over everything. She also abhors a clear carpet; within 2 hours of me vacuuming, she has demolished another stuffed animal, depositing the fluff all over the (formerly) clean carpet.

So when I run the thing, I have to make sure not to run over Mrs. lefty, who's crawling around on the carpet, picking larger bits of stuff up before the vacuum attempts to (and fails miserably).

Good old American know-how and corporate foul ball is raising its head again, this time with Flying AIDS shots. Many of the retail pharmacy chains are sucking up your information, some even when you go online to check for availability. Ain't it a beautiful world? Asked for comment, Biden said, "Didn't I used to have two dogs? I only see one."

 I forgot I had AAA.

I called because of a very technical negative automobile condition: Car No Start. It was electrically-related. I figured this out because I'm smart. And the remote didn't unlock the doors or click. It takes longer to get through the AAA phone maze than waiting for them to arrive. 

• Press 1 for Chinese
• Say NO if you can't read a map
• Say YES if you're in the middle of the highway (due to the Flying AIDS, you can't ride in the truck with the driver, so RUN across that highway carefully)
• Press 6 if you're calling just to bust our nuts
• Press 7 if you actually like waiting on the phone while we watch adult videos
• you should probably not eat the cream cheese with the blue hair growing on it

By the time I got through the Matrix, the truck was pulling up. They made the wise decision to tell all customers they will be there within an hour, even if there's a truck on the way.

The dude pulled out his portable battery charger, about the size of a briefcase. Well done. The car started right up - I told you it was electrical. Then it stopped. He ran some Special Magical Bluetooth Equipment over it and pronounced the battery on its way out. Yippie.

Being AAA, he naturally didn't have that particular battery. I can't expect the trucks to have every battery ever made... just mine. So rather than procuring a battery, the car had to be towed to an AAA Center. There's an AAA Center? Is it where all cars wind up through gravity? Do they have back seats where you can do stuff? Are all the customer seats from cars? Do they do windows? And oh.. if I want a tow, the computer told him to collect the premium first. I worry about people who hears the computer telling them things. I also worry about the person responsible for paying the AAA bill around here.

What did we learn today?

• the AAA Center closes before you call
• no one told me how long to hold my breath before it's fixed
• the car has a model number and a year! I should probably write those down somewhere
• It's either 2 wheel drive or 4 wheel drive - I forget
• don't even think about going somewhere when Wife is out

Mrs. lefty is very friendly. Somebody in the house has to be.

She talks to the neighbors and watches closely.

She has a board by the window, where she marks then IN and OUT of their house.

She asks me questions. Questions I can't answer.

• how come they have 3 new cars?
• the whole family has those Bluetooth sneakers, with goldfish swimming around in them- isn't that cool?
• why are those guys who look like ghosts trying to light a cross on their lawn? Shall I tell them not to use fresh wood because the water content is too high?

A study finds 40% of Americans don't recognize themselves in the mirror due to Flying AIDS stress. The study left out the fact that the participants had taken LSD 30 minutes before looking in the mirror.

• Last year, NBC News reported there were only 16 lesbian bars left across the US, due to the Flying AIDS.
• who's keeping stats on this? how do we know they're accurate? do they have a lesbian on staff who visits and reviews them? more likely, some hetero dudes who just like to watch. 
• for what it's worth, there are about 1,000 bars catering to men and mixed-gender LGBTQ crowds. Perhaps that means something...
• this also explains why my musical comedy group got such horrible receptions at certain bars...

More than 500 million Faceyspaces users' details have been found online, on a hacking forum, including Lord Zuck. Where do I sign up for a Faceyspaces account? 

Illegal aliens are coming across the border in record numbers.

Still smart enough to see the politics involved, Biden put Kamala in charge of the project. Kamala, waiting for Joe to finally blow a gasket, is less than amused at this turn of events. 

At the same time, White House officials have struggled to define Harris’s directive. They have recently emphasized that her focus is on the Northern Triangle countries of Central America and the underlying causes of migration, not the more politically sensitive question of what to do with people once they arrive. 

So spend the money here or there, Kamala?  Oh, there? What about here? What about stopping illegal immigration? Oh.

Biden is looking to restore faith in government

Ok, he has definitely blown a gasket. Especially after that multi-trillion tax hike.

You want to restore faith in government? Slash most of it. Close the IRS. Audit the Fed. Get the military out of every country on the globe. Curb the spying. Then we'll talk faith.

I'd hoped for Blitheringly Benign. Now he's Daffily Dangerous.

Another day in the Amazon Follies, where Amazon apologizes and admits drivers have to pee in a bottle.

• "We forgot we mandated this" 
• "Hey, at least we provide the bottles"
• "They could use a rest room during their 5 minute lunch break. What are they whining about?"
• "It only happens during long, rural drives, where there are no bathrooms. Ok, long rural drives and sometimes in the city. Ok, whenever the engine is on."
• "We blame the Flying AIDS for this heinous practice and henceforth will suggest they pee in their masks."

Gunmen kidnapped a Haitian pastor during a ceremony streamed on Faceyspaces. Ummm... you guys might want to rethink this thing. If I were a kidnapper, I'd go for the ones whose ransom could net me more than the guy who took a vow of poverty. Just sayin....

Yes, Deer...

No, I didn't spell that incorrectly.  More later.

How was your week?  I ask because mine was a real doozy.

So it's Thursday night and I'm waiting for the wife to pick me up from work.  I leave at four.  Round about four thirty, I called her, wondering where she was.  Round about five, she returned the call, apologizing profusely for falling asleep and telling me she was on her way.

Closing in on six, I got another call: she had hit a rock and gotten a flat.  Triple-A was forty five minutes away, so she'd be really late.

An hour later, guess what?  Yet another call.  Triple-A hadn't exactly appeared yet, although she had been on the phone with them for a while, attempting to give directions to the apparently direction-impaired soul driving the truck.

I don't know about you but I'd think that a national auto rescue corporation would have something of a sense of direction or at least a GPS.  Old school maps, maybe?

But no.

Another hour later, another call.  This time she called Triple-A and was told the direction-impaired driver terminated the request, which was her prerogative.  Unfortunately, nobody bothered to tell my wife; neither Sparky the driver nor the dispatcher.  This caused the entire process to start again.

You'd think a national auto rescue agency would have more than one driver in a large metropolitan area.  Still, it would be up to another hour.

Meanwhile at work, it's getting pretty bleak.  The entire crew has left for the day and I'm holding down the fort.  If I were the easily shakeable sort, I'd be terrified.  Instead I was bored.  Horribly bored.  So bored that I had to resort to doing my own work.  And maybe watching a little South Park.

The next wifely call revealed that the battery was dead.  Why?  Because Sparky the Direction-Impaired driver told my wife to leave the headlights on so she could be located easier.  Meanwhile the occupant of the house in front of which my wife was broken down, wandered over to inquire what she was doing parked across her driveway.  Once explained, she was terribly accommodating, offering food and a rest room, just in case.

Eventually a second driver showed up and had the car running in no time.  He was polite, had no trouble finding her at all and really wanted to assist her.

Closing in on ten pm, I was rescued from work.


FRIDAY

My wife said she'd be at Pep Boys first thing in the morning, bless her, to get the bad tire replaced (we had a warranty).  I took the opportunity to sleep late.

Unfortunately so did my wife. Or rather, her alarm slept late.

Off I went to Pep Boys, in a flurry of loving epithets and general four-letter verbal exercises.  Pep Boys, to their credit, jumped right on matters.

I somehow managed to VPN into work, thus becoming the first member of my department ever to work from Pep Boys.

Hours later, I had my replaced tire.  Too many hours, in fact, to efficiently return to work, so I went home.

While home, my wife informed me she couldn't find her credit cards.

Yes, the Tire Incident had morphed into a Missing Credit Card incident. [I am not blaming any organization or person, other than perhaps my wife for not having had them stapled to her forehead].

I had a doctor's appointment at seven.  Something looked odd about the car.  Of course something looked odd - I had a flat.  Yes, another flat - this time on a different tire.

Cursing Pep Boys and the Universe in general, I tore through the trunk, looking for our poor excuse for a spare and the tools necessary to change it.   Naturally the tire was in plain sight but the tools had entered the fifth dimension, which is located either at the very bottom of a car's trunk or the very bottom of a woman's pocketboot.

Continuing to curse, I somehow managed to change the tire with enough time to get to the doctor's.
While there, I inquired whether he had gotten a referral from my primary.

Oops.

Didn't he talk to me about this?  He just went cash-only.  No insurance.

Oh.

Well, that was awkward.
And wasn't his fee exactly the amount of money I had for the week?

Meanwhile, my wife had taken the entire day off and was spending it snoring on the couch.  As she had given up sleep for lent forty years ago, I left her alone.

SATURDAY

Back among the living, the wife took care of her missing credit cards and license, then went back, again, to Pep Boys.  Pep Boys fixed the issue with haste.

I don't know what they did to my car but it tends to veer toward Pep Boys whenever it sees one.

SUNDAY

After a day of rest, we were off to visit friends.

SMASH - out of the supermarket, we were almost hit.
BLORP - fifteen minutes later we narrowly avoided hitting yet another kamikaze deer.


Go ahead - tell me it's not personal.