Graham Chapman is Still Funnier than Jerry Seinfeld

 Your love is like  noticing it's starting to rain. as you're at the picnic.

In the latest We Have No Idea What We're Talking About - Flying AIDS Division:

US officials publicly question AstraZeneca’s COVID-19 vaccine data

“may have provided an incomplete view of the efficacy data,”

America's Doctor (Mengele), Anthony Fauci, said

The announcement may contribute to some unnecessary hesitancy around the AstraZeneca vaccine

 the public said

OMG, are you f-ing kidding us. Again?

 the American Association of Bicycle Repairmen said

Eh, somebody's not telling us the truth. Hand me that wrench?

 the World Association of Drug Addicts said

and they're upset at the stuff WE put in our veins....

 Douglas Adams' note to self reveals he found writing to be torture. He was so good at it. The man was hysterical.

The man who wrote The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe had a lot of anxiety around writing.  You can get in on the crowdfunded hardback book, to be published in 2022. I will.

• To the shock of absolutely no one, President Biden has already jumped up to call for gun control, in the wake of the supermarket shooting.

Endowed by their creator... life, liberty, pursuit of happiness... etc..

The First Amendment acknowledges that Americans are already endowed with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

The Second Amendment does the same for guns.

They are pre-existing rights.

"Common sense gun control" is a phrase to catch people who don't think critically and don't know or care about their rights.

It is up to all of us to guard our rights. They're being taken away by bits... soon we'll have few, if any...

• Miami has overreacted with the emergency curfew (black leaders)
• agreed
• It's so bad, 2 on spring break were bitten by sharks
• the sharks are obviously racist

Today I identify as  Jimi Hendrix. It's done wonders for my playing, but not much for my respiration.

• Lemmy Kilmister was one of the baddest asses in rock. He had his ashes put into bullets, given to his closest friends.

There are hierarchies to everything in life.

For instance, the UFO people comb the tv networks and internet for news and documentaries.

While combing, they come across Bigfoot documentaries. This is beneath them. These people are nuts. Bigfoot! Imagine.

There's that Tsoukalos guy... ALIENS! Aliens built the pyramids. C'mon.

While I haven't checked with any particular groups for their reaction, I just came across a documentary on Latina trans beauty pageants. I have no thoughts or ranking of these folks - they deserve their own, like everyone else. But the guy with the large wig, 5:00 shadow, and lisp, is somewhat obvious when you hit that channel. There is an episode of COPS when they pull over a guy on his way to a female impersonator contest. Be honest - he looks like he did his homework. Except for the full beard. To keep the hilarity going, the cop asks about pageants.

So I'm going to take a step and rank trans beauty pageants a step below 'conventional' beauty pageants, which are already below Bigfoot level.  

Before anybody gets upset or offended, if I can poke fun at UFOnauts, Bigfoot hunters, and beauty pageants, trans pageants are fair game. 

So we've established that I've never sued anybody, and that I'm not offended. 

Not much of an American, am I?

I feel kinda....  small.

I seek your help. Please send suggestions, via Comments, about what I can be offended by. Not your niggling little offenses that I write about. A really GOOD offended. A take to the streets, write to the editor, blind rage, red-in-the-face, cancel culture offended.

Thank you.

• Just to make things more interesting on the Flying AIDS front, some of the hand sanitizers that people hoarded contain a carcinogen called benzene. We were told to wash our hands like Obsessive-Compulsive hand-washers.
• Apparently benzene is ok, then. You know, aside from than cancer thing...
• yet another reason to scrap most of the government - they're useless and only suck up tax dollars.

Speaking of which, the gunman, Ahmad Alissa, was known to the FBI.

The FBI: known for setting up acts of terror then arresting the hapless perpetrator...

So the NSA, which is not allowed to play on American soil, taps every conversation in the country, but the FBI knows of an Islamist, who has made ridiculous Faceyspaces posts... his own family said he was mentally ill.

Scrap most of the government. Peacefully. At the voting booth.

• The Flying AIDS has caused a rise of 7.4% in streaming music revenues
• hasn't done a thing to make music better 

Wow.... just above I mentioned the First Amendment and rights disappearing.

A doctor is up on hate crimes charges for using an ethnic slur. This, while not particularly nice, is still free speech. The SJWs are gutting #1A. The doctor's behavior was reprehensible, including keying the man's car. Again, sometimes free speech is ugly, but that's the price of free speech - sometimes you disagree with it. These laws need to be tested in courts.

• RIP George Segal (87) - complications during bypass surgery

Mike Ditka is shilling for life insurance.

The kind where you can't be turned down.

Best of all, there's a 60 day money back guarantee.

If you buy life insurance, how could you possibly use a 60 day guarantee?

I want my $10 back. 

Why?

Ummm..... just cuz.

Why?

Discrimination.

We do not discriminate. 

Yeah... but... you don't offer it for people over 100.

I'm going to rush you your refund. If you're local, I'll personally bring it by.

Why?

Because no business wants you as a customer. Entire customer service manuals are written about the likes of you. They all say to get rid of you, as quickly as possible.

I want my $10 back.

Why?

Substandard coverage.

You signed up for it.

Hidden clauses.

You had every clause on the papers you signed.

It was in 10 point Roman. 

That's the most readable font.

It's too small.

Operators are available 24/7 to read it to you or for any questions.

I didn't like it.

How can you not like life insurance? Did you have a chance to use it? 

Ummm... no. 

Then what's the problem?

Can I get it in a different color?

It's life insurance. It doesn't come in any color.

I want my $10 back

Why? 

It doesn't work right.

Doesn't work right? 

Doesn't work right.

In order to use it, you have to die. 

Oh.

Have you died within the last 60 days?

Er... no.

Then how could you say it doesn't work right?

I almost died.

Almost died?

I had an operation for a hangnail, which didn't go right, and almost died.

We don't cover almost died. 

But I had a Near Death Experience

Did it cost you anything to get there?

Well, no.

Then we don't cover it.

I wet myself.

Unless you actually died and your beneficiary makes a claim, you haven't used the insurance. 

I don't like it.

What about it don't you like?

Tuesday.

Do you have any serious complaints?

I found another company that charges $4.99 a month, instead of $5.

REFUND PROCESSED - you're worth whatever it costs to get rid of you 

• How much financial damage could you possibly do by shooting yourself?
• If you're an F-35, that would be $2.5 million in damages. Yes, the plane shot itself.
• the most expensive weapon ever made, at $135 million each. Expected to cost more than a trillion over its lifetime
• The Pentagon kept news away from Trump because they wanted to keep warring in Syria. And we've been in Afghanistan for how long? Are you starting to get the picture? It has nothing to do with 'defending our freedoms.'

Dear America:

We need $250k this week to buy some hacking tools to spy on you. 

That's on top of the regular budget, of course. Please. It's for the children.

Love,

the FBI

[the FBI's 2020 budget request was $9.31 billion, plus $144.9 million for 'program enhancements']

• After AstraZeneca's announcement that its new vaccine was 79% effective, the government smacked their little peepee and explained why this figure was incorrect. As a result, Astra downsized their result from 79% to 76%.
• And you said the Feds taking 30% of your income was too much.

Jay Leno is sorry for making at least 9 jokes about Asian-Americans in his career.

How does a comedian with that many years of work behind him make such a stupid statement?  OHHH.... Media Action Network for Asian Americans targeted him.

ThermionicEmissions' statement:

Comedy is comedy. We will make no apologies. Everybody is fair game. Comedy is no longer comedy when there are sacred cows of which we are not allowed to make fun. Comedy is about making fun of sacred cows.

We are in no way responsible for the actions of maladjusted, hate-filled miscreants and we condemn any and all violence. This is not the fault of the entertainers. The abusers need to take personable responsibility for their actions.

We will not be silent.

(he says, with upwards of 20 visitors and nobody saying anything to him about his content) 

George Carlin had that great bit - 7 words you can't say on tv

They are: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

We are saddened by George's passing but need to update the list for 2021:

fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, nigger, and asian

Also remember: stereotypes do not appear from a vacuum.

We don't make jokes about Asian drivers because we don't like Asians.

We don't make jokes about Asian students being so smart because we don't like Asians.

We don't make jokes about Jews being in high positions because we don't like Jews.

We don't make black crime jokes because we don't like blacks.

etc.

 

So things all over are higgledy-piggledy because there's a ship stuck in the Suez Canal. Seriously. It's affecting shipping worldwide, because the canal cuts 11 days off going around the continent. 

Turns out the captain was Asian, trying to make a u-turn in the middle of the canal.

[how's THAT for topicality and timing?]

Resolving Not to Resolve

Continuing the embarrassment, Work replaced the iDevice 6 with an iDevice 7.
When they gave me the 6, I asked my boss to get me an android. He said he was ok with that, but I needed some sort of doctor's note. This time I figured I'd approach it differently: I asked the tech handing out the phones how much of a bribe he'd need to give me an android. He told me to go to the next department, where they all had androids.  HEY.....!!  I'll take a bag phone at this point.

So I got stuck with another iDevice.
It feels quite inferior next to my personal phone, both in operating system and size. Don't let anyone tell you different: women like big phones.
Work being what it is, I got a phone. Just a phone. Mind you, they went the extra distance and charged it for me. So the phone powered on, but the Ultra Triple Secret Logon is so secret, I don't have it.  We changed carriers recently, from the reliable one with great coverage to the One That Doesn't Work. Because of the change, over 2 months ago, no one knew to send out the new information. It was a total surprise.

So the bad news is I can't use my phone.
The good news is I can't use my phone.

P.S. one week later, still no Ultra Triple Secret Logon.
P.P.S. three weeks later, a minor miracle happened - it worked without intervention!
P.P.P.S. I had a guitar adapter that plugged into the headphone jack so I could play through the phone. The iDevice HAS NO HEADPHONE JACK. Just one of the many reasons I hate Apple.

• Let's talk life insurance. There are 2 kinds: the one that you pay for and the one you get when you haven't bought enough for your spouse to do away with you.

One of my favorite people I never met is the never-equaled and never will be Frank Zappa. Check this article out - it's a very good, light overview. Zappa would have been 78 on 12/28/2018. I wonder what he'd be up to....

• My friend offered his wife her favorite: a foot massage. She said no thanks, her feet hurt. He asked if her breasts hurt too.

Dear lefty

• Will you resolve to lose some of that weight?
• Will you resolve to lose some of that ugly?

The new 'networks' showing ancient tv shows leave no doubt about the kind of people still watching broadcast tv. Magnum PI is back. My wife shrieks and turns the channel because his shorts are shorter than a Kardashian. I'm sure they didn't seem odd at the time, but neither did sawing off limbs without anesthetic.

Precisely one hour after I wrote the above, I discovered there's a remake of Magnum PI coming to your tv. We are doomed. Can't they make it a cartoon and put it on 6am Saturdays?  "Hey Mom, WAKE UP - why are his shorts so small?"

• Is it a sign of affection when a dog belches in your face?

Why Stunning Ukrainian Women Are Seeking Men Abroad.

Wanna know what's wrong with your country?

Wanna know what's right?

The owner of a website that hooks Ukrainian women up with western men answers questions. The answers are alternately hilarious and frightening. The main answer deals with standard of living (and hygiene).

It might be worth a trip to the site, but do so using the Private browser tab, in case you have a wife or girlfriend.

• a Las Vegas customer ran over and killed her manicurist to avoid payment.
• This is a perfect example of Americans getting more stupid: everybody knows nails are cheaper than dents.

A fitting end to 2018

One of the kids telling Penny she'll love this treat.. it's the kind Marshall ate when he was dying.  Ahh, children....

• it turns out the dog can't say "fungal spore"

Dear lefty

• Where do you get the crap you type?
• Your mother.

Don't you hate it when your hotel room has a GSM (cell phone) listening device? A person in Wales found it behind an outlet. What he was doing behind the outlet, I have no idea - maybe planting his own

I hate to have to say this, but our first 2018 Rock Death is Roy Sawyer, better known as Mr. Eye-Patch in Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show. Their biggest hit is "When you're in love with a beautiful woman", but their most fun hit was "Cover of the Rolling Stone." He was 81, no cause of death listed.

• a fisherman in Florida (of course) found a 60lb package of cocaine. He immediately reported the 40lb package to the US Coast Guard.

The truly important news of 2019 can be summed up thusly: there is a gadget for brownies that looks like an old ice cube tray divider. It allows you to get brownies already cut, and all can be ends, if you like.