Captivity - Day 61 Your Mother Stole my Car

And speaking of dreams, all of this working at home has produced a pattern: I noticed when I sit down, I fall asleep. When I stand up, I am awake.

Today's forecast: gray, with minor periods of yellow, and occasional jackets.


Free money! Free money!
The president and Congress want to give you money.
Who will pay for it all?


The latest 'science' tells us that a slight breeze can carry the Flying AIDS 18 feet in seconds. Somewhere in the White House is a group of former cartoon writers, paid to make this stuff up. 90% of the time, other White House workers avoid this office, because there's screaming and laughing coming from it.

• Hey Jim - let's tell them the air can carry it up to 18' in seconds!
• Wait, I got it - we don't know what it is, buy you have to wear masks (nah, that's just cruel).
• One day it's lethal to people with compromised immune systems and the next it's lethal to teens.
• Let's have Trump put out an order about the staff wearing the goofy masks but he exempts himself and Father Pence from it!
• Guys - listen up: we'll have New York citizens threatened to be yanked out of the water if they go in!!!!
• Married people will have to socially distance, even if they live in the same house
• Everybody must get tested - but we don't know what we're testing for!!!!
• Horses will be prohibited from swimming!

The models predict a quarter million dead by August.

Victoria's Secret Closes

New dating app for singles drops STD tests and looks for clean Flying AIDS tests. The company went out of business because of social distancing,

The day after the dog helps by piling up dead branches, today she's outside, installing holes in the backyard.

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But seriously, folks....

At some point recently, the blog reader stats went up.

I thought it was people trying to get to other blogs through this one.

Perhaps I'm starting to offend people in other countries.

In any case - thank you. I mean it.

Teaching Ravens to Fly Under Water

Continuing the ThermionicEmissions hatred and coverage of selfies, we have an 18 yeard old Florida woman who police said took selfies as she was having sex with her pitbull. Not known was whether the pictures were posted to Faceyspaces or Instagram.

• While we're continuing, here are the top ten passwords from the Ashley Madison hack: 123456, 12345, password, DEFAULT, 123456789, qwerty, 12345678, abc 123, pussy and 1234567. ThermionicEmissions readers know better than to use these kinds of passwords.

Husband bites estranged wife's nose off and eats it after she fails to return his calls. "When I said 'eat me,' what I meant was...."

• Countdown to Popemageddon continues: US sex victims say Church remains obstacle to justice. 
• A pastor committed suicide six days after his name came up in the Ashley Madison hack. 
• Men of God, all of them.

As it turns out, reports of Monty Python Terry Gilliam's death are premature. He has not joined the choir invisible, he is not pushing up daisies, he was not nailed to the perch and no one will have to come home from holiday to a dead Gilliam. For his part, Gilliam apologized for being dead.

• Dereliction of Parenting Department: Irish Dad sues Facebook after eleven year old daughter sent provocative pictures of herself to men and had chats. Ummm... Dad... if your eleven year old daughter behaves like this, Facebook might not be her only issue, eh?

California legislators approve bill allowing doctors to give patients suicide pills. They should give this over to the Pentagon's 'secure' virus labs. Perhaps they'll send them to DC by mistake.

• Both Chrissy Hynde (Pretenders) and Grace Jones have had their say about today's female stars: “They dress up as though they are challenging the status quo, but by now, wearing those clothes, pulling those faces, revealing those tattoos and breasts, singing to those fractured, spastic, melting beats – that is the status quo."  If you told me I'd be quoting Grace and Chrissy, I'd tell you that you were driving the short bus, short a few wheels.

Pentagon computers hacked again - this time it's the Food Court!  Never mind the Office of Personnel Management - this is WAR.

• When they came to tax my salary, I was silent. When they came to tax my drinks, I was silent. When they came to tax my internet, I was silent. Now who is going to speak up for me, now that they have come to tax my porn?  Yes, Alabama, rather than fixing their problems, has levied a massive porn tax.

America gets a D in science: 22% confuse astronomy with astrology. We are a nation of morons. Now ask yourself who this benefits....

• Tired of the endless iDevice hype? This puts it in perspective.

Forty-two percent of registered voters think Hillary Clinton is the presidential candidate most qualified to protect the United States from cyberattacks. Occasionally there is a headline so stupefying that I have no choice but to reproduce it. We not only fail to remember last we - we actively ignore it.  What was I saying about a nation of morons?

• A few weeks back, at work, I was in the men's room, doing what one does in the men's room. Also in the men's room was another fellow, doing what one does in the men's room. He starts singing, which I found weird, as well as being outside of the Accepted Rules of Rest Room Etiquette (ARRREQ). "Oh Sara... Oh Sara... Oh Sara..." he went on. After a few of these, it began to seem that this guy had a problem, ostensibly named Sara. He sounded hurt. I felt sorry for the guy - we've all experienced this. Not so sorry that it wouldn't make it to the blog, of course. Unless I completely forgot.
• Today I was back in the men's room, doing what one does in the men's room, when I heard some dude talking to the loo. No, not talking - singing. "Oh Sara...oh Sara...oh Sara..." he continued, with the familiar tone of sadness.  Along with his singing, I hope he wasn't also practicing his dancing.

Japan's crippled Fukushima nuclear plant Monday began releasing previously contaminated water into the sea. Previously contaminated? Is this some sort of code? New math? Triplespeak? Rest assured that whatever comes out of TEPCO (Japan's nuclear authority) has been marginalized and homogenized to within an inch of its life, much like American politicians. From the initial incident, TEPCO has sought to minimize any impact. Yet here they are, inventing the state 'previously contaminated'. Do you suppose all of the nuclear waste we bury in Yuma, AZ, is previously contaminated? Would you mind it being dumped in the ocean?

• Obamacare enrollees must double to make budget projections work. Ain't socialized medicine grand? I'd love to give you an 'I told you so,' but I'm paying for this just like you.
  

Two Muslim fundamentalist preachers were discussing the question of “whether wives should be beaten or not” when two topless activists jumped onstage. Ummm... if it's feminist to not believe women should be beaten, call me feminist. In yet another case of extreme journalistic bad taste and incompetence, the Telegraph put black bars over the women's breasts. All of the news, guys... censorship will not be tolerated.

TECH

• Malibu Phone Home: Chevy reports to parents on teens' driving habits.  If this car can report on your teen...
• Oops - GM performed a stealth update because of a long-term vulnerability (2010-2014) to OnStar. The only way to truly fix this issue is to completely disable the hardware (it's easy).
• Remember this blog reporting on California optical internet cables being cut about eleven times? Systems of the US Department of Energy were breached more than 150 times between October 2010 and October 2014. I believe this need some serious study. What would happen if either went down? Shades of the east coast US power blackout, allegedly caused by a squirrel. I hope to be mistaken here.

As if Windows 10 isn't enough of a pervasive, spying data sinkhole, Windows is now downloading it to your computer, even if you didn't ask for it. Just in case, you know.

Make with the Music

Superstar is frequently used but not frequently earned. In this case, I'm sure you'll agree that Queen neatly embodies the term. From their humble beginnings to stardom beyond expectations, this incredible band of audio and video experts truly entertained.

Queen could not have been without the outrageous frontman and composer, Freddie Mercury. Born Farouk Balsara, he could certainly command attention. Less publicized is his ability to musically direct the band in the studio. He sometimes came in with complete musical scenarios, which the band ably saw to completion. Freddie's personal life is fairly well known and a biography turned up a great line: Freddie's parties were truly something to behold, but I can't say more without the advise of my attorney.

Brian May, the guitarist who built his own guitar, is responsible for large amounts of Queen's sound, with his wall of amplifiers and multitracked, delayed harmony guitars. Yet somehow he manages to carry the excess off live. Brian is also a doctor of astrophysics, perhaps the doctor with the tallest hair of the title. `39 is a more acoustic song that Brian sings. It deals with the very interesting, and sometimes sad, topic of time travel and time relativity. The chorus harmonies are right out of the Queen playbook.

The spirit of show business shines through on The Show Must Go On. And it must*.

Successes are complex beasts but often have a great sense of humor, not to mention boundless creativity. I Want to Break Free is a good example. I can't say I'm crazy about the song, but the video is absolutely hysterical. I understand it was popular in Britain but didn't translate well Across the Pond. This does not strike me as requiring any translation at all.

One of my favorite Queen tunes, from the Sheer Heart Attack album, is Brighton Rock. Unless you're a rabid fan, you might not know it. As if you didn't know why I like it, the reason might start around 1:50 in. It's a solo symphony.

Freddie and the band will live forever in our ears.

After Freddie's death, Queen toured with the great Paul Rogers singing (an unfortunate mismatch), then Adam Lambert. One day, after viewing Adam, Freddie's ghost was heard to say, "Unh-uh. No way. Too gay."

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen cocker?

* RELEVANT ANECDOTE: Back in my musical comedy performing days, I had a weekend show in Bumfukt, PA. Hungry, we set out for some local food pre-show. A pizza place was down the street so off we went. I ordered a meatball sandwich because it's harder to screw up, plus gray meatballs were a favorite target of mine.

After the show we went home, as we were wont to do after shows. The next morning, I begged my girlfriend for help in stopping the bed from spinning rapidly, in the opposite direction that the room was spinning. Things got no better from there, at which point we made the difficult diagnosis of gray meatball-induced food poisoning.

As the spinning was getting faster, we called our agent, requesting he put in another act. Ever accommodating, the agent told us there was no other act.  As a result, I had to stand onstage, buffered on each side by a group member. While there was great internal debate about the hilarity of projectile vomiting, I decided against it. Afterwards they packed me in with the gear and took me home. Eventually the room stopped its rapid rotation.

The Show Must Go On.

Houthi and the Blowfish

RARE TECH ITEM
Every now and then I veer off this blog's satirical/sarcastic bent to mention a tech item or two (not doing so is what got me thrown off my last platform).  Let's start with Windows.

Microsoft products are unsafe at any speed by design. Fact-based reminders that Windows is not designed for security, regardless of version, patching, day of the week, or whether the NSA is itchy or not that week.

• We interrupt this tech segment to bring you urgent ancient music news: have you ever noticed how bad the snare or snapping sound is on Tom Jones' It's Not Unusal is? It's way up there in the Annals of Bad Sound.  That aside, you can hear the guitar semi-clearly too and it's a good thing: Jimmy Page (you know, Led Zeppelin) played it. Jimmy and John Paul Jones were on a huge percentage of hits out of England around this time.

AUDIO TECH ITEM

I'm not what you'd call a fan but the Grateful Dead were certainly tech pioneers. No, really. From mass communications to tapers and p.a. systems, the Dead were at the forefront (even though some of them were occasionally waaaaay at the back).

• Back to the TPP. As you may remember, the president has negotiating power for really bad trade agreements and Congress has a Yes/No vote. This was rushed through and I can't imagine why. It turns out to be a gift to Big Pharma (Big Surprise). This document was kept secret from the public (the most transparent administration in history). They really need to go.

I ordered some stuff online. It took about a week. Then I ordered something else from the same place. Today I got a confirmation that my order had been updated to Shipped status. Great, I thought... I'll get the item quickly. Oh, wait a minute, they used USPS tracking. I checked online and found out that my item had been shipped and arrived in my mailbox six days ago.  Yes, six days later, I got confirmation I received the initial package. Such speed and efficiency.

• I don't know if it's circumstance or simply taking notice, but I have heard the word peculiar quite a number of times this week. Give a listen for it. It's not the sort of word one hears often, yet it plagues me like the past, in which Tom Petty haunted me no matter where I went or what I was listening to or watching.

My dog wanted to perform a bit of science the other night: he wanted to know if I could fly. This took the form of standing up as I was carefully walking around and over him. As it turns out, not quite as carefully as I had at first thought. The science proved that I cannot fly so much as plummet, slipping on some handy papers and bouncing off the coffee table onto the floor. So the dog has his answer and fortunately I have nothing but a very painful (and near-fatal) knee scrape to show for it.

• Speaking of cats, have you ever noticed that cats have a sixth sense? They know where you're going to be and place themselves there a split second before you do. As was recently suggested, it's because cats are assholes. This also explains why the cat drapes himself over the path to any door so the dog won't cross him. The dog would gladly walk a mile in the wrong direction rather than cross the cat. This is extremely puzzling, as the dog will walk right up to the cat's food bowl and nudge him out of it.

According to just-released court documents, Bill Cobsy purchased Quaaludes in order to give them to women before having sex with them (does anybody remember 'ludes?).  I guess groups of over twenty women aren't imagining things.  In an effort to make amends, the Cosby Estate is offering Rape Mansion Tours, complete with 'vitamin pills' and free drinks. Rape victims and women in general are encouraged to make appointments for personal tours.

• Wanna know what makes the country go round?  An agreement to curb Iran’s nuclear program could create a bonanza for U.S. defense contractors who already are benefiting as the Obama administration tries to assuage Israeli and Gulf Arab concerns by cutting deals for more than $6 billion in military hardware.

HOW ABOUT SOME MUSICAL MALFEASANCE?

Sho' nuff. This weeks installment of The lefty Report features that little old band from Texas, ZZ Top. Jimi Hendrix referred to Billy Gibbons (gtr, voc) as a great up and coming guitarist - isn't that enough of an endorsement? 

Sure, I could go with the hits and videos everyone knows but that would be boring and atypical. I'm heading for the more obscure stuff that shows another side of the Top.  Let's start with Manic Mechanic, a great tune from the Deguello album, featuring his signature pitch changing effect on vocals. ZZ likes to throw in some humor from time to time, along with some really cool musical tricks. Next we have Heard it on the X, a great tune about Down South Radio, a studio tune included on Fandango, a live album. Give it a listen for some smokin' Texas bbq from earlier in their career.

Check out Live in Germany for a great insight into the pre-MTV band. Pay particular attention to Fool for Your   Stockings, a favorite at the leftystrat household - Those stockins are a real cross you must bare.

Rip My Face Off. Please.

A short time ago, the wife looked at me and asked what I thought about a beard.  I told her that it probably wouldn't look too good on her at this time.

After we got that straightened out, she explained that she thought it would look good on me and, equally important, would work well with my intense dislike of shaving.  I'm one of those guys who has baby smooth, highly sensitive skin.  It's irritable, like me, making shaving a real task.

So I went with it.  I knew that, sooner or later, I'd started the Dreaded Itch.  The Itch of Death<tm>.  A solid week in, I did not itch.  But I knew it was imminent.

A few days later it hit.  And when I say hit, I mean I wanted to shred my own skin and scratch my face with a concrete block.  My wife, ever helpful, suggested a number of skin care products, the best of which stopped the Itch of Death<tm> for up to five whole minutes.  I even tried hair conditioner in the shower, to no avail.

Then I did what all red-blooded citizens do - I went online.  I located a number of sites with helpful and largely not-so-helpful suggestions.  `Man up and deal with it for the magnificence of a beard' was often repeated and the least helpful of the bunch by far.    What do you mean it only lasts a week?

Shortly thereafter, I tried conditioner again and it worked.  Sort of.  I continue to monitor the situation because if I have to deal with this much longer, I might as well shave.  Meanwhile I'm getting all sorts of comments about the new, rugged, outdoorsy lefty.  Yes, that's me, the new, rugged, outdoorsy lefty, from the Great Indoors.

My dad said he didn't dislike it, which is odd, given that he's not fond of double negatives.  Mom liked it too (because she has to) and my boss took about two weeks to figure it out (and I sit right next to him).  It's ok, he has other things on his mind (and let's be honest, I don't need his comments to make my life complete).

So I have a beard.  And a communique from the Big Boss, sent to everyone via email.  Unfortunately I am unable to discern its meaning.  After asking around a bit, it would seem I am not the only one who cannot decipher the missive.  It is written in thirty point type across seven pages, with each paragraph taking approximately its own page.

Most people would say I'm not stupid, so it kinda smarts that I don't have the smarts to decode the Boss' email.  Our local scholars ascertained that all of the words are current English and have decent sentence structure.  On the whole it appears to be in English that anyone could understand, only no one can.  This led to rampant joking about the Big Boss having a taste for cannabis.

For the sake of science (and sociology), a coworker is going to do an experiment.  At her husband's next social gathering, where much cannabis will no doubt be consumed, she is going to print out the email and see if any of the Muddled Masses are able to understand or translate.  This should tell us, for better or worse, the alleged state of the Big Boss.

If the experiment proves positive, either the Big Boss will have to compose while straight or get a medical marijuana waiver for the entire corporation so we can understand his writing.