Somebody is Drugging my Emotional Support Elephant

 

Your love is like blue cheese that started out yellow, then turned blue

It's the little things. They pile up. They gang up. They multiply.

Until they fscking eat you.

Today I identify as a 2nd grader, fighting my parents, who keep telling me I'm transexual.

Seen in your inbox: The meeting on effective scheduling of meetings has been postponed.

Laundry 

Around about 2 weeks ago, I put my winter blanket in the dryer. As we know, I have night terrors over operating the washer and sometimes the dryer. After drying, I assumed, foolishly, it would somehow make it to the actual bed. I mentioned it was foolish, right? While the wash process was happening, a different blanket appeared on the bed. Wife put it there (I hope). The blanket is not just heavy, it can protect you during arctic expeditions. I do Weird Stuff in my sleep, but to the best of my knowledge, I do not have arctic expeditions. I don't even go as far as North Dakota. So although the blanket is very comfortable, I sweat in my sleep. I can't remember if sweat is supposed to be full of manly hormones to attract women (or my wife) or it just makes me smell. Out of an abundance of caution, I asked for my original blanket, which doesn't make me sweat (or make me attractive to anyone). 

Have you seen my blanket?

It's in transit.

This could be the single silliest thing I've heard about how things happen in the Thermionic Mansion. In transit? Does it get loaded into the semi and get hauled to the bedroom? I could imagine it would have to be signed for at every stop, like Fedex, because I would dearly like to track it. I wonder if she has one of those cute little tablets with all the tracking info on it. I wonder how much it cost me. Is there a url I can check to track it? I didn't get a tracking number, which is how the system will get out of actually giving me the tracking information.  Was it Linus that always carried his blanket around? Well I don't carry it, but I really like it on my bed. I know I'm being unreasonable, but if she asked, I'd have carried it up the steps to avoid it being eaten In Transit. Must be with the missing dark wash. Tomorrow it's socks, so I'm prepared not to see them again for weeks.

For Halloween, Army base Fort Sill loaded up and fired its High Mobility Artillery Rocket System (HIMARS) full of candy. Over 275 children were killed or injured. Or both.

Halloween was rough this year. Due to Supply Chain Issues, we had to give out the smaller candy bars (and I had to keep my hands out of the bag). Neighbors walked by and talked to each other about my  scary costume (I wasn't wearing one). Other neighbors stopped to tell me they thought I didn't live there anymore because they never see me. Mrs. lefty was welcomed, as always. A 'Halloween tree' appeared on the lawn (so long as I don't have to mow it, I don't care). I begged to be let out of Candy Distributing Duties, but alas... The scariest costume was Joe Biden. He had to keep being pointed to wherever he was going by the Secret Service costumes. My neighbor came up with the greatest costume ever: a vaccination. There was an awesome green alien. I asked the kid if he wasn't supposed to be gray. Perhaps that was over his head. Perhaps I shouldn't be allowed to interact with children. 

Since we are where we are, it rained for a good portion of Candy Day (the only holiday endorsed by the American Dental Association). Smart Wife bought chocolate candy I don't like, so it will stay around a while. I have never seen so many nice people before. The same people who would stab you in the back were wishing us a Happy Halloween and thanking us for the candy. I must live in a good neighborhood (in spite of me) because I never recognize any of the kids; they are dropped off.

Smartphones "have made it easier than ever to avoid interacting with the people in our immediate environment

Can't argue. Wouldn't want to. 

Besides.. if you wanted to interact, you could text them.

UC Berkeley is in the news again, this time because of an IRS audit. The IRS wants to know, given 3,000 students, why there are 5,000 listed Jew/intolerance monitor deductions. They say the math doesn't add up. UC Berkeley will allow the fascist invasion of their books, but not if the examiners are Jewish. If so, they will not be allowed on campus.

After monitoring this blog for a month, UC Berkeley decided it needs to start picking on a different group, because 'the Jew thing' has gotten too much mileage here. They're debating on which group is next; Christians, astronauts, pregnant women, waste processors, or pregnant men. If you try to point out that men cannot get pregnant, YOU will not be allowed on campus. 

What are the evolutionary origins of nose picking?

Fifty bucks the Smails kid eats it.

What are the evolutionary origins of ass grabbing? Ball scratching? Michael Jackson? 

We're getting to that time of year. The time where I check my Use or Lose vacation time and realize I should have started taking off already and will basically not be working the month of December. I'm trying to take it easy on my coworkers, because this year most of them know my name. They are likely to be upset if I take too much time off because it will force them to speak up in meetings and answer actual questions. Some have volunteered to pay my vacation days if I still come in. It's not that I'm any smarter than they are (I am); they just don't speak up. Ever. With 15 people in a meeting, it always sounds like the boss is having a conversation with me.

I was replacing a part in a server yesterday when I saw something. I had to shake my head and rub my eyes to make sure I was getting correct information. In our server room, there was an actual woman, of the female persuasion. This was unprecedented. In my entire time at this job, I have never seen a woman in the server room. This has nothing to do with gender or hiring - it's just that I have never seen one. I have also never seen a Corvette or gila monster in the server room and I would have been almost as surprised. We have women and minorities out the wazoo, it's truly a diverse environment. Just not in the server room. Attractive IT women are like ugly Victoria's models.

Now, lets get down to the nitty gritty: not only was she female, she was very attractive, made almost to my exact specifications. This sort of thing just doesn't happen. She asked a few questions, so I spent another minute or two with her. Sigh. It appears that I'll be going into the office a lot more in the next few months. But then I went back to my car and remembered my wife's strict No Dating policy. Sometimes she's most unreasonable.

After the fully-vaccinated head of the CDC got the Flying AIDS, it returned. 

But by all means, get the shots. Do your patriotic duty. If not, do your duty to Pfizer's shareholders.

• CostCo ran out of Halloween candy
• It was a great secret, kept from 99% of their employees. We asked where the candy was, and they had no idea. Normally this could be explained by Product Shifting. After they close, everything in the store is moved around, so even the most frequent shoppers can't find it next time. The product shifter is a real sadist, putting the cases of soda all the way at the rear of the store.
• I am told we got Rice Krispies treats. They're much harder to 'modify' than the candy. Now with the flus and Flying AIDS variant Q, the hospitals are full and unable to xray the candy for the kids. What have we come to as a society?

Moon has been drifting away from Earth for 2.4 billion years, rocks reveal

This must explain Trump's Space Force. They were formed to drag the ungrateful bastard satellite back into its proper orbit. Get ready - I think this is going to cost us a LOT of money.....

SHTF at Twitter after Elon Musk purchased it. He sent executives packing, will reinstate Trump's account, and says the blue check might cost monthly. COST will be a fun thing to watch. The whole thing will be fun. Since Big Tech is controlling the narrative, maybe this will be a break for speech and opinions. It will be interesting to watch him start fires without batteries....

Comcast, one of the greediest companies on the planet, wants to raise prices, again, because they're not getting enough new business. I've had Comcast since day one, for something like $25. I don't expect to pay that little today, but it's gotten out of hand. They claim the average customer pays $136, which doesn't sound right to me. There are special plans for low-income people. I don't even use tv and shouldn't be paying that much. I'm sure the fees and taxes are ridiculous too, but I can't even get one of my state senators to respond to me, yet he wants my vote. Don't forget Amazon and Google for the Greedy-Fest.

New neighbor has a leaf blower. New neighbor is home during the day. Therefore new neighbor uses leaf blower during the day. First time today. Therefore exactly when my work meeting started. What new neighbor doesn't know is that *I* have a leaf blower too. I would not stoop so low as to use it, but I will spend some amount of time tuning it to be LOUDER. It's probably electric (probably because I spend no time with it at all and simply take Wife's word that we have one) but I will find out whatever engineering the manufacturer did to keep it quiet and reverse each and every bit of it. I know we're all going electric, but maybe there's an electric to gas conversion kit somewhere, on a back shelf. We could go with gas, then I'd 'forget' to install the muffler. If I spent as much time doing as I did plotting...

One of the frequent arguments against a government agency that studies UFOs is that it would leak. Consider the Stealth airplanes. They were made in absolute silence and the public did not know about them for 15 or so years, when they saw them fly. And The Bomb - the public knew nothing of it. Coincidentally, one of the bomb-handling sites was Roswell Army Air Force Base: there was no separate air force at that time. Yes, the government can keep a secret. 

Now that the jury was dismissed, I thought Darrell Brooks, of the Waukesha SUV murders, should waive the penalty phase and go with a good, old-fashioned ranking with the judge. The judge has been over patient with his antics, so she might be up for it...

Mr. Brooks, are you ready?

Your Honor... your mom's so ugly, politicians won't shake her hand.

Mr. Brooks, you have the legal talent of a dead squirrel.

Your Honor... both your parents are blonde - did your mom screw a skunk?

Mr. Brooks, go ahead and claim Darrell Brooks isn't your name. Were you hatched?

Your Honor - You so ugly, your parents didn't touch you til you were 5.

Mr. Brooks - Yo mama is so loose, you probably had many uncles.

Your Honor - you need to go back to school to learn how to rank. I'll plead guilty.

I was watching the news and a suspect was picked up in a 5 year old murder of two teen girls. They were out walking, there was no cell signal, and they were killed. I wonder if their parents could sue their cell carrier, along with everyone else involved. Cell carriers should be held responsible for their alleged service, or lack of thereof. We must pay our bills in full every month, no matter how horrid the service. My text messages now take up to 24 hours to reach my wife. Tell me that shouldn't have been solved by now. Our condolences to the parents, relatives, and friends. The saddest thing in the world is burying a child.

• Scientists invented a quantum watch. This way, it can be 1:00 and 2:33.

If you shop on Ebay, Amazon, or anywhere else online, check your privacy settings. Not that you wouldn't anyway. The companies will get your preferences and personal info, but you need to make your purchases private, lest some of those items come back and get you. I had a buddy tease me because I bought Eeyore items, including underwear, for Wife. If he ever found out I bought that dual-headed... hammer, I'd never live it down. Although it sounds like my friend needs a real hobby.

UC Berkeley is prepared to strike, pending the decision on whether or not Eeyore is Jewish.

Hey lady... yeah, you... I'm glad you took your health in hand and started jogging - good for you. You should try it on the sidewalk, not the street. Street for cars, sidewalk for joggers. Because if you got in the way of my car, I would somehow be responsible for your injuries.

You really need to keep up on local politics. Here's an example: we have a road that is always a mess. The road got fixed, and now we have a bicycle path too. Why do we need a bicycle path? The road narrows for the bicycle path. This creates a dangerous situation for the bicyclists. This is getting ridiculous, especially as these are highly congested areas. Although you have to thank bicycle manufacturers for using much lighter materials, so they fly farther when you hit them. 

Oh Lord, please deliver us

Provide us with a tracking number, 

and keep us out of the hands of the USPS.

Hunting the Wild Anvil

Your love is like   used Twinkies

How to delete your Faceyspaces account

Today I identify as  a fairy prince

So I'm not sure how, but we got out of the house last weekend. It's a pretty cool area, with two actual guitar stores. One actual guitar store had hundred of guitars, but they were all backwards (no lefties). The other actual store did a fine job, with about seven lefties. It was moot, as I didn't like any of them. I'm pickier than a woman with 27 channels of NFL football.

The thing that knocked me out was the customer service, in almost every store. Truly pleasant and helpful. One of the guitar store guys went way beyond and did some digging to find some answers for me. The makeup store girls got upset because we were obviously interrupting their gathering by the register. I didn't take it personally; I'm sure it was a very important, secret business meeting to discuss stuff customers shouldn't be privy to. 

I was also happy to notice that there weren't a lot of closed stores. And there was a Cinnabon, which is kind of a place of worship for us. Get yourself a mochalotta chill to drink - bon optional.

Because we had our first 80 degree day earlier in the week, it was 96. Could be worse. Could be tomorrow, where the forecast is 92 and rain. This means it will probably snow.

One cannot take a trip out without the Major Fun of people watching. I haven't been out in a while, so I almost forgot about it. To show you how long it's been, I even fell for Wife's "I'll just pop into this store for a few minutes." Wife Math is very different from actual math, where 45 somehow equals 5. I would have been happy to go in, but there was a NO DRINKS sign, so I got to stand out front with a drink. People were coming by and using me as a seat. I wouldn't mind, but they kept leaving their trash in my lap. I always wanted to go into a store with a NO DRINKS sign and wait for a helpful employee to stop me and tell me NO DRINKS. I'd remove the plastic cap from the drink and spill it on the floor. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." Instead I stood. And stood. And watched people. Because it was 96, one guy was wearing shorts and a wool hat. He didn't have to worry about heat, obviously because he was so cool. The second guy with a wool hat had EARS on it. I'll just never be cool enough to pull this off.

We saw men in sandals and socks. This used to mean I'm a foreigner, but now it's apparently an acceptable uniform. We saw men in skirts. I'm not poking fun - I like a nice skirt (provided she's wearing it when I'm getting into it). 

In Victoria's, I pointed out some cute panties to Wife. She politely suggested I wear them before she would. Ok, but there are none in my size. She's a lot easier to fit. I was informed that certain underwear feels like dental floss between your cheeks. She doesn't seem to understand that it doesn't matter what it feels like... it matters what it looks like (to me). This became moot because there were only 97 people at both of the open registers. Don't repeat this, but I know Victoria's Secret: how they get so many to pay so much for so little.

Since I need glasses, Wife suggested I look at Warby Parker, online. I did, and discovered that there were 100 pairs that were all the same, but different colors. Lo and behold, we found a Warby Parker actual store. You won't believe this, but we went in and there were over 100 pairs, that were all the same, except for color. Who would have guessed? 

There was a smoothie store, which looked good, given the temperature. I spent 5 minutes looking at the extensive menu, getting frustrated. There was no fat frozen yogurt, acai, grass, other green stuff, and things I couldn't pronounce. I got rid of my frustration by trying to get the lady to make me something I'd like.

I'd like a strawberry smoothie, please.

Yes, that comes with no-fat frozen yogurt bananas, and apple juice.

I'd like a strawberry smoothie, please.

That comes with no-fat frozen yogurt bananas, and apple juice.

Can I have just strawberries?

You want a strawberry smoothie with just strawberries?

You nailed it! Thank you.

But how would that work?

Well, you'd put only strawberries in it.

Who would want to have a strawberry smoothie without no-fat frozen yogurt and some weird grass we pulled outside?

*I* would. I'm not asking for your extensive knowledge of stuff you put in drinks. I just want something *I* can drink.

[thinking.........] I don't think we can do that.

How about you try this: put strawberries, ice, and some strawberry juice in the blender?

BLEH!

You don't have to like it - you just have to make it.

No, I'm sorry, we just can't make that.

Why not? This isn't California.

How about the strawberries, ice, and apple juice?

I'm allergic to apples.

Ok, strawberries, ice, and no-fat frozen yogurt.

Got any vanilla ice cream? Vanilla hi-fat frozen yogurt?

[shrieks] Why would we carry that?

Candy bars? Stockings? Cheese?

Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave the store. You're just too weird to eat here.

But the real surprise was learning that the universe was listening to me: TUBE TOPS are back! 

• I haven't spent much time on the Depp trial for obvious reasons, but today's tidbit is that Kate Moss will be testifying. It is of no consequence whatsoever, other than I think she's cute.

Just so the prior outing didn't feel so alone, I made the mistake of trying for another smoothie. They had 16 varieties, which I knew could mean only one thing: I wouldn't like any of them. I shouldn't be so picky... they had coconut, dirty motor oil, and peanut butter. So I asked for a plain strawberry and the guy said no problem. But yes problem. It tasted like half a strawberry. I asked if there was some way he could make it sweeter. He said NO SUGAR but offered Splenda. No thank you, I prefer to get my cancer other ways. I asked if there were some juice that would help. He kept jumping up and down to assure me there was no juice in the smoothie. I realized there was a language barrier; he was speaking accented English and I must have been speaking Swahili again. Sometimes I slip into it without realizing. I keep asking Wife to tell me when my language changes, but she's so used to it, she forgets. But goddammit, she loved her smoothie, and that's all that mattered. It's a mixed bag being my wife: yes, I treat her like a queen, but on the other hand, she has to be married to me.

Dolphins Recognize Friends by Tasting Their Piss, Scientists Find in Wild Experiment

This could go horribly wrong if applied to humans, no? 

 

Hey, is that you, Johnny?

Yeah.

Could you piss a bit, so I can be sure?

Hey, Bob, squirt some my way! 

Sometimes a piss is just a piss, guys

Things are weird round the old hood....  we had our favorite neighbor pass from the Flying AIDS. The house is for sale. Now the Crazy Lady, on the other side of our place, has gone to a facility. I think she'll still outlive us, but I guess you get more fragile after the age of 480. As they put her into the ambulance, I heard, "..and your little dog too." So now there are two houses for sale next to us. Is it too much to ask for a hottie that plays guitar? Or is really impressed by guitar players? Someone who can babysit when Mrs. lefty goes out of town for a few days? A new friend for the dog? Vanessa Hudgens, looking for a place she can get away? Linda Fiorentino, doing research for her new movie? I figure the chances are much better because there are two houses for sale. Maybe not... I don't want that kind of temptation. Mrs. lefty would get suspicious because I'd leave the couch and the house.

Along these lines, there's a trashcan in front of the Crazy Lady's house. If she's not there, whose trash is it and who put the can out? I ask the tough questions.

• the dog doesn't like noise, like cycles and loud cars. Neither do I.
• she's currently barking at a plane. Like everyone else here, she needs therapy.

Where's the ketchup?

Hmmmm...... I thought I saw it by the shelves.

Nope.

Crap.

Crap indeed. I like it on my burgers.

Use barbecue sauce.

Yes, I understand, but I like ketchup on my burgers.

Well, I'll have to look for it later.

        ------------------------

     [a few days later]

I found the ketchup.

Great - where was it.

Outside, on the grass, under the window.

Dammit, why didn't *I* think to look there?

I'm making fish tonight.

Oh, there's none in the freezer. You should look under the tree in the back yard.

• $5.19 for gas today

Word Updates 

• still no progress on Game Changer 
• Easy Peasy easing off nicely
• We're all sorry, but Supply Chain Issues will be here for a while
• there is still no specific slur for Malaysians

Run to the store - any store - and get Ghirardelli white chocolate caramel squares.

• Ok, kids, this may or may not be relevant, but New York City just removed its last payphone from service. Some would argue they were never in service. That aside, it's kinda sad. Now Superman will have nowhere to change.

The city just made part of my street a bicycle lane.

I'm ok with it - it makes it easier to hit them, because you'll always know where they are.

• 'Democratic' jackdaws use noise to make decisions
• out of 30 decisions, they come to one very bad one

#Libertarian