Unicorn Sightings Are Rare These Days

Peter Fonda's in the news, after he posted a tweet suggesting Barron Trump be ripped from his parents and put in a cage with pedophiles.

Melania Trump called the Secret Service.

Fonda deleted the tweet and apologized. We are assured that the Secret Service visit had nothing to do with the cracks in his skull, black eyes, and individually broken fingers.

We checked Twitter for Other Tweets Peter Fonda Deleted:

1. Obama is black, the bastard
2. Watch me put my penis in this pencil sharpener
3. DAMN my daughter is hot
4. I've got snails in my rectum

ABC has apologized for a graphic declaring Manafort pleaded guilty to manslaughter. What they meant to say was "Manafort builds model cars." Anyone could make that mistake.

• Many have predicted that the apocalypse will occur on the summer solstice, for some reason or another, ranging from Billy Graham dying to Kelloggs discontinuing Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows. As the solstice has passed, some are starting to doubt the dire predictions. The people who predicted the tragedy said they made a mistake and pushed the date forward, but refuse to tell us when.
• Hollywood blames the NRA for the Apocalypse's failure to occur.

Speaking of proof of God's existence, Star Wars sequels have been put on hold after the most recent cash grab flopped. Also, there is only one treehouse show left on tv.

• Janet Jackson revealed her battle with depression.
• My wife is bipolar and has never bared her nipples onstage.

A woman is suspected of serving her ex-lover's remains at a barbecue.

Guests said, "He tasted like chicken."

• A Kansas man was charged for repeated attempts to have sex with a parked car's tailpipe. 
• The man's blood alcohol was four times the legal limit. His lawyer said, "There is no legal limit for having sex with a tailpipe."  Asked for comment, the man said, "It was a really hot tailpipe."
• Florida's Governor proposed a new state motto: We're messed up but least we didn't try to have sex with a tailpipe.
• Peter Fonda blamed Trump. Democrats called for gun control.

Canada has announced that it will not be attending the Philadelphia Guitar Show this year. The prime minister will be dress shopping with Celene Dion. A spokesman for Dion said she hopes to find him something nice and not too splashy.

• Guilt is twelve times stronger than gravity

Software tip: if you're looking for linux software that does what popular Windows software does, check out AlternativeTo - it also works for other operating systems. OS Alt finds open source alternatives to closed source or commercial software.

My new old office at home is proving quite useful, if for nothing else, escape from humanity. There is a phone on my desk, which makes me feel important. It isn't connected to anything, which also helps in my quest to remain invisible. It still has its original dust, which has kept the insects from taking over. One of the little buggers had developed speech and says stuff to confuse me during evening hours... it can successfully imitate my wife and gives conflicting orders, successfully imitating my wife.

Nothing has fallen and injured me, which is a very pleasant surprise, suggesting that the room exists in a parallel universe. The door, which doesn't shut fully, is actually the portal into the alternate universe. Thus far, everything is the same in the new universe: a profound disorganization, inability to find a single thing that I need, and every flat surface taken up with Stuff. This is precisely the kind of place Hoarders would put on tv, but there is no such show in this universe and the original show won't touch it because their union won't cross universes.

I have a new fan, with six speeds.. I feel so decadent using it. And it has a remote control, so I don't have to reach three feet over to adjust it.  My bigass old tube shortwave boatanchor receiver still works. Pro Tip: do not leave anything with batteries on top of this radio unless you want to see what happens to batteries when heated. In the winter, the radio will heat the entire office, if not the entire alternate universe. Still not answered is the question of why there is an odd number of speakers. Just like in the universe you know, the room eats screwdrivers. Unlike the universe you know, all the pens write. 

I need to speak to someone about getting cold running Snapple and hot running coffee. Somewhere is an old black and white tv. If I try to move it, one of the piles will fall on me and they'll never find my body. There are new popsicle sticks on my desk. There is a great story about these, but I don't know it.

The only serious difficulty occurred when I moved the wireless router into the office, rendering the rest of the house unable to connect. Unfortunately the wireless signal won't cross universes...

• A woman stabbed a stranger in the head with a high heel in a Queens subway brawl.
• Taken to Bellvue Hospital, the man required several staples in his head. A week later he was back at Bellvue because he tried to take them out with a staple remover he had on his desk.
• Democrats, England, and Canada demanded something be done about Shoe Control. Hollywood was strangely silent.

Saudi Arabia's ban on women driving has been lifted.
Saudi comics have requested American comics send them women driving jokes.

• In a nationwide phenomenon, people are dying in Walmart parking lots I told you that shopping there was dangerous.

California Congressman Maxine Waters, founder of Fairness in Politics, has ordered people to harass Trump officials in public places. "The thing I want you to know is that we're not desperate.  If anybody asks, blame it on the Russians."

Maxine also ordered the military to make fun of Trump's hair at White House appearances. "Nyah nyah should be enough to get our point across."

Asked for a quote, the republican party could not comment because it was rolling around on the White House lawn, tears of laughter running down its face.

Maxine also proclaimed God is on our side.
Reached for comment, God was really mad. He said a little birdie told him Maxine should make sure her affairs are in order.

Riding Out the Apocalypse at the Zoo

Yippie - we're all still here!
Or at least I hope we're all still here.

Much to everyone's surprise, the Rapture failed to occur.
In fact, it failed to occur precisely to the moment.  Call me a sage.

In any case, we decided that the zoo was a great place to spend our last hours together.  To make it a proper and fitting goodbye, we invited the parents.  Family time is together time.  Never mind that my siblings had convenient excuses: living across the country and some crap about a wedding.

I am a member of the Philadelphia Zoological Society, through no fault of my own.  It actually started at work one day.  I took off to go to the zoo and it rained.  The next time I took off to go to the zoo, it rained again.  It got so that I tried taking off without saying why I was taking off, but Mother Nature got wind of it and it rained.  One day I even took off, specifically noting that I was not going to the zoo.  It did not rain, so we largely put it down to me going to the zoo.  My old boss noted that I could make a lot of money by visiting drought-ridden areas and going to the zoo.  My wife, although for the idea, was kind of sad, as she really loves the zoo (as do all of the internal folks).  For my birthday, my coworkers got me a membership to the zoo, as well as a pair of raincoats.  The bastards.

There is this show on what's left of broadcast television on Sundays called Animal Exploration.  I get the impression that it's a few years old but the host, Jarod Miller, is a hoot.  He's a small, manic zoologist who visits zoos all over the country and talks about the animals.  It's an amusing show for kids and larger kids (like me).  I prefer mania to poor Steve Irwin (RIP), whose main tactic seemed to be poking at anything in front of him until it tried to attack, in defense.

In any case, Jarod and crew did a few segments at the Norristown Zoo, right outside of Philthydelphia (it's always better to be outside of Philthydelphia).  We had heard that there was a zoo in Norristown but kept driving around it for good reason: you don't want to get out of your car in many parts of Norristown.  It might be the county seat but this particular seat needs a good cleaning in spots.

So naturally it was decided that we'd all visit the Norristown Zoo.  We packed our sunscreen, water, parents, and Kevlar vests, then set out on our journey.

At this point you're probably saying to yourself that you know this is all made up because we packed sunscreen.  After seven straight days of rain, Mother Nature either got tired or had her period, allowing the sun to peek out and providing the area with a rather nice day.

Signage is surprisingly good in Norristown, allowing us to find the zoo without difficulty.  And it's a good thing, too, as the zoo is incredibly well hidden.  It looks like any other nice residential area.  The only delay was caused by taking my father's directions.  Dad used to drive by the place every day on his way to work, or so he said.  I had temporarily forgotten about Dad's sense of direction so we listened to him (at first).  Fortunately no one forgot about Dad's driving, so we took our car.

My parents lived in Arizona for a few years, meaning we used to spend a lot of time visiting.  Within two or three trips, I could navigate the area better than they could.  This would have been funnier if we didn't have to give them directions so frequently.

Meanwhile back at the zoo, the kids wanted to know if Jarod would be there.  I assured them he wouldn't.  There were more cups of Dunkin Donuts coffee there that we didn't bring to make us take notice.

This definitely was not the Philly Zoo, although I suspect they keep the animals there in cages to protect them from some of the Philadelphians.  Right out of the gate we saw a beautiful eagle, just kinda perched there.  And many not-so-beautiful people, pointing at the fish swimming around in the muddy water.  I did have to announce more than once that this was a special No Screaming Baby day at the Norristown Zoo, after which things quieted down a bit.

We immediately came across everyone's favorite lawn ornaments, who get that way from the shrimp they eat.

Walking along, we came across this little fella, who the ladies named Fred.  Fred was a bit camera shy, although we met his cousin later, who walked right out in front of us.  Of course all the good shots are on my wife's camera.  These are from my Droid.

Not being a traditional kind of guy, I don't do traditional types of pictures.  Take this one:

There were some empty stalls and this was taken around the back.  I have no idea why the animals required a bowling ball but why ask why?  Perhaps there was some sort of Norristown law that stated that there must be one bowling ball per twenty seven animals - who am I to question their alleged wisdom?  Maybe the Bowling Lobby got to them before we did...




We saw quite a lot of animals.  This is an especially fortunate thing, this being the zoo and all.  The ones that had the biggest effect were the bison.

Talk about up close and personal.....

These were some majestic beasties, alright.  Also quite personable.  And they'd pretty much have to be, as there wasn't exactly a lot between them and us.  And the neighborhood, for that matter.

I'll post the good pics if my wife ever retrieves them from the camera.




Overall it was a great day.  The Norristown Zoo, while small, is a great place for kids and people who maybe can't stand too much time out.  Or adults who can't walk long distances.  Or people who don't like to wait in an hour of stopped traffic to park at the Philadelphia Zoo.



Last but definitely not least...

This is a purple Swiffer.  My wife loves purple and didn't know they came in that color.