But Wait - If You Buy Now, We Won't Ship You Anything

Wildfires are leaving small towns almost destroyed in California and Washington. BLM claims they're 'peaceful' wildfires.


Your love is like  bathing a cat



Dear Hollywood:
I know none of you have an original idea, so why not a biography of Tiny Tim? It has everything: OCD, being born again, Howard Stern, left handed ukuleles, peeing in a bottle, marriage on the Tonight Show, and a singing voice that could shatter metal, but still isn't as bad as turning on the radio. The story writes itself, but who will play Tiny? Johnny Depp! That's going to take some serious makeup.



Dear lefty

• What can you tell me about this flashlight I bought?
• it runs on batteries or brain power. You'll need batteries.

Russian interference in the upcoming election continues: subscriptions to Election Hacking magazine have quadrupled.



Vivaldi, a newer browser based on Opera, is introducing a feature that will blank the browser to remind you to take a break.  Umm... Vivaldi... if we wanted to take a break, we'd take one. We use browsers because we need to browse... you know.. important sites.. hamster pr0n and the like. If we need to take a break, our tired, sore wrists and eyes will let us know, thank you.



They turned him loose. Yes, for the 2nd time this year, lefty has been allowed to leave the house. This was a particularly auspicious occasion because he was going to put his money where his mouth was, or at very least, his mouth where his money was... or... his money where the restaurant was.

We haven't been to one of our regular restaurants since at least February. They have an open dining room, so we were off. I was happy because you don't have to wear a mask. It would make eating a lot more interesting if you did. Mrs lefty insisted I needed a mask to walk in the door and looked at me like God was going to strike us dead because I disagreed. She has a t-shirt that says "I survived Catholic school."

The menu, normally a 47 page, multicolor book with video, was down to a 2 sided placemat. They type was so small I had to ask her to hold it up in the light, across the table, so I had a chance at decoding it. Drat and tarnation - I left my spyglass and telescope set at home again. Everything went smoothly, as it always does. Even the other guests were fine.

Since the restaurant was in close proximity to a mall that I kind of grew up in, we paid it a visit. Or rather, paid one store a visit. We go to malls and if there is a certain anchor store, Mrs lefty becomes anchored inside it. We have gone a number of times and never made it into the mall. They frequently have to 'gently remind' her that they're closing (about an hour ago). She was very nice to me and only spent a few hours there, making sure we could go into the actual mall. I'm still a little on edge, trying to figure out why she's so nice to me.

The first time I caught my reflection, I got a little weak and almost insisted we leave. Most people are uncomfortable with my reflection, but that's ok. I think the enormity of it all finally hit me.

I got to lookin' around, as this was my first time after the onset of the Flying AIDS. Granted, the crowd was quite thin, but everybody had their masks and I heard not a peep about anyone not wearing one. A lot of people agreed that there's no point in wearing a mask. I could tell because half of them didn't have their nose covered, with their mask ON. Everyone was suspiciously well-behaved. When was the last time you saw that? Social distancing wasn't a concern, except on the signs. If you went near shoes, the sign said to ask an employee or wear gloves. I like that - neither associates nor gloves were available, which made everything feel like normal.

The mall is particularly weird, in that 2 anchor stores closed (years ago) and the rest of the occupants are a few national chains and weird stores, some really low rent. Even that would have been normal, except a ton of the stores were gone, perhaps a third or more. I was stunned and sad. In conjunction with the owners of the closed stores, I would like to thank Idiot Governor for grabbing the power and keeping the state 'safe', even though we don't know what safe IS to this day. People lost their businesses and jobs because of this politician. It happened all over the country. There's a special place in hell for politicians, whoever let the Flying AIDS loose, and the people up the chain, who are seeing how well we do what we're told. I am sad for all of us.  Stay safe.

---------------------------------------------------

Imagine it's 2001.
Imagine seeing pictures of your familiar local mall in the year 2020. Everything looks normal except everybody has some sort of face covering. You're looking at the pictures, trying to figure out why... gas attack? Viral agent? Perfume bomb? Have we choked ourselves with pollution, like China? Have the wildfires in California spread across the country to the other coast? What could possibly have happened in 20 years? Do we want a future in which people have to wear masks outside?

---------------------------------------------------

• I'm hearing all sorts of odd noises from my stomach. I think my body is revolting. 
• Many others have told me this. How did they know, so far in advance? 

A lot has changed (no really?). First, people had to work from home. Now children have to school from home. This produces many unforeseen consequences...

Children now have a home classroom, making it extremely difficult to be disruptive or Class Clown. 'That kid', who sits in the back and eats paste, will miss out on the opportunity to be laughed at and bullied, because no one else in 'class' will see him. Right off the bat, the entire social structure of school has been disrupted. Other children will also miss out on learning how to point and laugh; usually the ones who pick on the very tall and short people in line, because the kids can't line up. Kids also can't make fun of other kids who don't have purple hair or who dress like heterosexuals or may be smart (nobody likes a smart student who knows all the answers). Everybody is going to be quiet during question time in hopes that Johnny will raise his hand. Johnny's father has a horrible temper, so whenever he answers, there's an unending stream of cursing in the background. The class listens intently to pick up some new phrases they can use on their parents. Susie's parents communicate exclusively by fighting, so they're also very interesting. This is a learning experience for future relationships. For the safety of the children, Susie's mic is muted if her parents' start to communicate with furniture or sharp objects. Little Barbie, formerly Bobby, loses the boost in self-esteem she'd get with the other students complimenting her on her transition and developing fashion sense.  There will be no way for the entire class to pick on a single student, which is a hallmark of any class at any school. This is the kind of rich student experience the kids will be missing out on. Nobody can pass obscene notes, because the teacher can't catch you doing it in email, where you also discuss the answer to #3 on the test. Of course you only have the class window open - you'd never use a browser to cheat - you're insulted by the accusation. You can't say 'your mother' because now everyone sees her pass the camera.

Working from home presents its own challenges. They start with garbage trucks, lawnmowers, ice cream trucks (with constant notice from students), and spousal input. Dogs are a handy disruption, because of barking, then people asking to hold the dog to the camera so everyone can see him. This can also be followed by the screaming after the dog bites because he doesn't want to be held up OR the person breaking their back, trying to lift 150lbs of labrador.

The screaming, laughing, and abject horror that comes from forgetting to MUTE the mic can come from either side. Everybody needs to remember to mute their mic when making fun of the teacher or boss. This is a lesson you don't want to learn the hard way.

• Remember thousands of people receiving packets of seeds in the mail (from China), with no idea why they got them? Hundreds have planted them.
• If the package had WARNING: ANTHRAX SEEDS in big red letters, hundreds would still have planted them. This is why our country is in the shape it's in.

You're going to be shocked, but Amazon is pricing their spy devices Alexas so apartment complexes will install them before you move in. After that, you will be required, by Amazon, to get the devices implanted in your anus, with all of your credit history. In spite of how horrifying this is, when Amazon wants something, you can show them your ass. I do already.

A Wisconsin priest who condemned Catholic Democrats has the support of a Texas bishop.

Father James Altman, pastor of St. James the Less Catholic Church, lashed out at Father James Martin, who participated in the Democratic National Convention. In a 10-minute video posted to YouTube, Altman called the priest a “hyper, confusing spreading heretic” and had harsh words toward Democrats.

He stomped his foot and ran out to his next appointment, at an all boys school.

Speaking of prayers, ours have been answered: the Kardashian show is off the air after 20 seasons. Our spiritual joy must be tempered by vigilance: you never know what they're doing next. They don't do well out of the limelight.
Suicide centers in Los Angeles are on alert and ask that the Great Unwashed do not have any emergencies during this trying time. Kaitlyn is so upset, some reports say she's changing back to Bruce. Hopefully she'll donate all her fabulous clothes to charity. The girls are reportedly so shicked, they're cheating with white guys. The mother is holed up in her mansion, too depressed to go for a facelift or, heaven forbid, shopping. The stores along Rodeo Drive are even offering to pick them up. It's a bad time in California, further proving the trickle down theory of economics. People of the world are begging Governor Newsom to pass a law, allowing the Kardashians tv shows in perpetuity.

The only way this could get any better is if I could make a living doing it.

White supremacy 'most lethal threat' to USA, 'Homeland' says...
Nope. That honor goes to our government.

SJW Stalls  

Italian designer Stella Jean says more needs to be done to tackle racism in the fashion industry.  

She's way off. We need to address the sexism in fashion. Go into any clothing store. 90% of floor space is dedicated to women. The men's section is over there, in a corner, next to the snow shovels.

Covid-19 is already the third-leading cause of death for African Americans this year. Why?        The virus is obviously racist.

But Wait!! The virus is also sexist, worsening gender inequality in the workforce. Hardest hit were childless married women. Parentism!!!!

Calls to boycott Mulan rise after Disney release

Something something... boycott... something something... Hong Kong police... something something... transgendered  

Why we're using 'womxn'

No, that's not a typo: 'womxn' is a spelling of 'women' that's more inclusive and progressive. The term sheds light on the prejudice, discrimination, and institutional barriers womxn have faced, and explicitly includes non-cisgender women.

STFX

ThermionicEmissions - the (un)official blog of the illuminati 
we're not proud - we'll take it any way we can get it

Cockroach Sexing in the Workplace

Because I care:
Ergonomics, in these days of working at home.
Adjust your chair so your elbows are at a 90 degree angle.
The most important part: keep your wrists relatively straight. As soon as you start to bend them up or down too much to use the keyboard, you're setting yourself up for trouble - pain or Repetitive Stress Injury, like carpal tunnel. Take short breaks. Try to get some sex (this applies when you're not working or not at the keyboard too).


Your love is like when Vito breaks your legs



I just got an email from my House rep, asking how she's doing.
I thought she took me off her email list, for fear of my responses.
I disagree with many on politics - it's no surprise or alarm.
This lady, however.... we disagree on every thing she says. It's astounding. I try to like at least one thing she does, but it hurts too much. Usually there's something to like about everyone, but this person... let me try to be positive: she's not at all unattractive.



Dear lefty:

• How do I snag a Playboy Playmate for a girlfriend?
• Be incredibly wealthy and carry a puppy.

Didja learn anything in the sexual harassment training?
Yeah, I picked up a few good how-to's.


Bob goes to sexual harassment training after getting hired at Bra-CO.

The instructor gave a scenario and said there would be questions after:

Instructor Ted supervises Bill. They're having lunch in the cafeteria.
Bill sees a woman walking by, looking lost. He says, "Hi, I'm Bill." She introduces herself as Marsha and says it's nice to meet him. Bill says, "Nice tits, Marsha," and turns to his boss, Ted, and says, "This is Marsha. She's new. She has nice tits."

Marsha blushes and tells them it's nice to meet them both, then asks where the ladies room and the H/R office is.

Later on, Instructor Ted finds out he has a new person in his department, named Marsha. Ted goes over Marsha's duties with her in his office. He apologizes profusely for Bill's behavior. He explains that this department is full of Bills and hopes she doesn't mind. If it's bothersome, he suggests Marsha ask for a transfer. He can make that happen immediately on a quid-pro-quo basis: you scratch my back, I grab your tits. Marsha smiles and winks.

Shaquanda is messing with Hymie out on the floor, telling him how the Jews own everything. Hymie says if he owned everything, why would he be working here. His cousins own most of the banks, though. The floor breaks into laughter.

Jose is telling an old joke: "Hey, did you hear about the Puerto Rican fireman? He named his kids Hose-A and Hose-B." His buddies boo then laugh.

McSweeney asks what's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a sober Irishman. Answer: There is no difference - neither of them exist.

Wanting to blend in, Marsha suggests a new sexual harassment process. After you get harassed, you are required to rate the harasser on harassment and style. Her suggestion is put into place within a week.

Jeffy pokes ShaNayNay, "Imma axe you bout Beyonce."  ShaNayNay drops her soda on the floor, laughing.


Instructor Ted is finished with the scenario and it's time for his questions:

1. What did Bill have for lunch when they met Marsha?
2. What size are Marsha's golden globes?
3. "This was a trick. There was absolutely no sexual harassment in this scenario. Sexual harassment is only sexual harassment when it's unwanted. Marsha obviously wanted it."

Told You So

Wireless phone charging is pretty inefficient. A recent study showed wireless took 47% more power. Any transfer from electricity to something else is inefficient. Speakers are grossly inefficient in transferring electricity to motion.

I asked lots of people, who told me wireless charging's penalty
 wasn't significant.



I just watched a YouTube video where a woman claims to be a Super Soldier and had lived on different planets in the 1800s. That's a lot to swallow. I had to turn  it off when she said 'hella'. I can't believe that.


Michelle Obama said she has 'low-grade depression,' blaming it on the Flying AIDS, racial tensions, and the Trump administration. I have sympathy for the woman - depression sucks. Blaming it on Trump, however, indicates a different problem.

There are many treatments for depression: medical, talk therapy, diets, a plant, and others. You do not have to feel this way. Consult your primary doctor, a therapist, a psychiatrist, a religious counselor, or ask a friend what they did.



Attack of the Phone

It was a dark and stormy night. No, wait, it was a dark night, as nights tend to be. I was in bed, trying to drift off early, for my early meeting. This, of course, meant the circus was in town. Mrs lefty was performing her tennis moves, only instead of left-right. it was upstairs-downstairs, at regular intervals. She, like most spouses, has a way of knowing just when I'm nodding off to sleep, and picks that precise moment to BANG through the door, allowing the dog on the bed, where she spends the next 5 minutes licking my forehead, until she has to be pried off (sadly, the dog, not the wife). Strangely, this does little for my sleep.
You have to admit, she has impeccable timing.

I put my phone on the shelf, with a small lip to prevent it getting too far away. Plugged in an earphone, which is wonderfully broken - only one side exists. That's ok, my ear can only listen to one side at a time. Put on my favorite nighttime listening and prepared to softly go away. Sometimes I sleep so soundly, I sleep through the dog leaping on me and licking my forehead. And walking on my chest. I chose precisely that moment to move 1/4" too far and my phone took a near-suicidal leap from the shelf, ignoring the small lip that allegedly stops it from getting too far away. Oddly, it didn't produce any noise, but I did. It started as a minor grumble and quickly escalated to muffled cursing and calling the phone's mother names. The dog has developed a pleasing new habit of BARKING when I raise my voice, so I'm reacting, she's BARKING, and now it's Wife who's having trouble getting to sleep.

I swept the carpet for the phone. Nada.
If it fell from a shelf, physics dictate it couldn't have gotten too far on the floor. Unfortunately, physics in my house are slightly... different. Perhaps it floated down, like a 5 pound feather, and landed on a different floor. Perhaps it had to go to the bathroom. Maybe it blipped into another dimension; all of these things were up for consideration, as I ran my hands over the carpet on the floor. As I continued to fail to locate it, I'd come up for air and each time, hit my head on a shelf. It was the perfect Three Stooges-Homer Simpson cartoon. Bang-OH. Bang-OH. Bang-OH. Did I learn anything from this? Hell no.

Again I grumbled. Again the dog 'reminded' me not to grumble, via BARKING. Once she starts, you can't get her to stop, even with threats of canine aviation.
All of this jolly noise got the attention of Wife, who asked me what I was looking for. Ummm.... my phone? I continued sweeping the floor and banging my head and grumbling. I continued to not find the phone. The dog continued to BARK. I continued to tell Dog what she could do with the barking. Finally, Wife can take no more and asks what I'm looking for. Well, it's the same phone I told you I was looking for 5 minutes ago. Can I have a flashlight, please?

Ah, flashlights.
Wife has a Flashlight Thing<tm>.
Wherever we go, if we see different flashlights, she has to buy them. We have approximately 5,247 different flashlights.  We have military flashlights, we have small LED flashlights, we have large LED flashlights, we have around the corner flashlights, we even have those 10 pound police flashlights that helps them 'subdue' dissent.  Strangely, we cannot locate ONE of them. Are you still paying attention? People with PTSD will recognize it when I say she bought 3 large tape measures, for 3 floors of the house, so she will have one there if she needs it. So what about the ($&#ing flashlights?  They're in a different dimension, perhaps with the phone.

30 minutes later, she returns with a flashlight.
I start looking under the bed, only the flashlight is pretty dim.
I have spent entire nights replacing batteries in flashlights. It's become a replacement for sex. Yet I can barely see, in the total dark, with this flashlight. I saw tissues the dog chewed up, certain leather and rubber items, various unimportant body parts, and a 1957 Chevy I was restoring (it's a tall bed).  There was still no phone. At this point, I could stand no more, and gave up, wondering if its alarm would wake me for work. As I wondered, the dog BARKED, for no apparent reason. If she gets tuned into what's in my head, she will shortly spit out her larynx.

Right I was: of course I got up about 17 minutes before the alarm, out of spite, and faded off, at which time I heard the alarm. It was loud and sonorous. So I searched. And searched. And dimly used the dim flashlight. And searched. And cursed. And listened to the dog BARK. I hoped she was under the bed, helping look for the phone, when I felt something fuzzy brush my leg. I really don't want to think of anything else that could be. The alarm went off for 5 solid minutes, during which time it succeeded in not being found. Ever helpful, Wife suggested I GO DOWNSTAIRS AND GET ANOTHER DAMN PHONE SO YOU CAN F'ING CALL IT. I suggested I pull the bed out after work, frustrated from trying. The dog just sat there, contemplating her next BARK. In the bathroom, moments later, I hear a knock. Wife found phone. Wife wanted to give it to me RIGHT THEN. I had something different going at that time, which would be very difficult to put on hold while I took the phone from her. She was not impressed, and kept insisting I take it NOW. With great effort, I stopped what I was doing and took the phone. Apparently the cord knocked the phone off the 3rd shelf. It flew down 2 shelves, at an impossible angle, and cleverly hid itself inside a children's toy, way at the back of the shelf. It went DOWN 4 feet, then made a LEFT.

I don't know what I'd do without that phone. Ok, that wife too.
I need some aspirin - the pain in my head is making me see stuff. Unpleasant stuff. More unpleasant stuff than normal. And I'm looking around wearily, waiting for Wife to drop the other baseball bat.

Right as I'm finishing work, Wife will go upstairs for a nap. I will decide to take a nap on the couch. Just as I'm drifting off, the phone will remain where it is, but Wife will come back down because she couldn't sleep. My entire life is like the Addams Family. On acid.