My Service Elephant Likes Beans. Not Pleasant.

Snuck into the legislation on 9-11 is using biometrics on aliens who apply for citizenship. Also on their sponsors. You only have 20 days to comment, so go for it. Just be polite and make your point. We need no biometric collection for anything.


Your love is like playing tennis with your pancreas



Dear lefty

• Why were those 2 people graveside, wearing masks?
• good question - I'd say the damage is already done...

Washington, DC, is absolutely thrilled about the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Let me rephrase that...
Sad with the passing of RBG, Washington is absolutely gleeful at something else to fight about, and is getting its ammunition ready. Yes, it's a full Court battle. He said, she said, they said, you said! But what about...? The reps have controversial choices, the dems are lining up pr0n stars, male escorts, and drug dealers for each of them. Business as usual, but with renewed vigor... this Flying AIDS business was too depressing.

• Because I was curious, I discovered women did not drive tanks in combat in WWII. In 2015, the Defense Secretary said all combat roles were open to women. I hope there wasn't a parallel parking test..

 Experts say spending too much time on social media can be damaging to your mental health, especially when consuming too much negative news.

Told you so.
Another example of how pr0n will save us all.



Hey, did you know Americans are recorded by security cameras 238 times per week? This has me VERY ANGRY, for obvious reasons, plus not leaving the house much. Now I have to find all the cameras around my house - I told you they were recording me....

• They told me her booty was off the hook. All I said was somebody should put it back on the hook. Now I'm the bad guy? 
• While I'm mentioning it, I probably didn't need to put the 'FUN' into FUNeral the other day. 
• This is why I don't go out much.

Mark Chapman has apologized for killing John Lennon, saying it was a 'despicable act'. In spite of that, he was denied parole for the 11th time. He might as well scrawl a swastika in his forehead and go with the Manson Defense. I miss old Charlie... he was nothing if not entertaining (after he got caught).



Russian Interference Daily: Pravda says they're watching the election closely, for any signs of tampering.

• Mrs lefty noticed her friends were packing on the pounds. She refers to it as 'The Covid 15'.

Our good pals at NASA are spending over $28 billion to send a man and woman to the Moon by 2024. How do they know a woman will qualify for the task? Oh, I get it, Social Justice. Of course there are great female astronauts, but I'm old fashioned and believe in the best person for the job. NASA didn't go all SJW when they put people on the moon the first time; they picked the best people for the job.

Ok, so $28 billion. Peanuts, right? Especially considering the Flying AIDS bailout. I'm still confused over this Moon thing. We were there before. Why is it such an allegedly impossible task to go back? Shouldn't we go to Mars or somewhere else? Will the aliens give the ship parking tickets? Will NASA invent [cue echo] SPACE TAMPONS?



It's that time again: nomination for Supreme Court. Who's good?

• M. Mouse
• Richard Nixon
• that Jewish chick from the pr0n movies, with the really big...
• Kim Jong Illin
• Jeffrey Epstein
• Vladimir Putin
• leave your suggestions in the comments

Perhaps it's women of a slightly more sane generation who don't 'get' the whole sexting thing. I say this because I had to explain it to Mrs lefty, who's north of 20. I complained that, even though I'm north of 20, I think it's a great idea, especially pictures. She remained unimpressed.  So I decided to explain it to her [cue imposing music].

It's disgusting.
Think of it this way.
Uh-oh - I smell mansplaining...
I like boobies, right?
Oh yeah. But mine are yucky.
You're missing the point.
Usually.
If you send me pics of them, you're doing something I love. It's not how you feel about them, it's how I feel about them.
Nobody wants to see that.
*I* want to see that.
I can't.
C'mon, this is the girl who flashed me in the middle of a mall.
Well, yes, but that was a long time ago.
They're the same boobies, I hope.... how about verbal?
I'll have to think about it.
Ok, try this: tell me all the things you're going to do to me when you get home.
That I can do. I'm going to ask you to take the trash out. Then I'm going to have you wash the dishes. If you're really good, you can cook dinner. Did I do that right?
I guess a blowjob is out of the question.

In the end, I got the result I usually get: "We are not amused."


Happys

David Coverdale - Whitesnake (69- how appropriate)
Ray Charles
Roy Buchanan - talented, influential guitar player
Tony Hymas - played with Jeff Beck
Dan Toler - Allman Brothers/Dickie Betts, highly underrated
Julio Iglesias - not a guitar player
Linda McCartney - famous photographer, spouse


Our idols are collecting Social Security. This is disconcerting.
After the final war, when even the cockroaches have died, there will be only Keith Richards, shacked up with Betty White.


Unhappys

Robert McIntosh - Average White Band
Robert Hunter - dead, Grateful Dead
Buckwheat Zydeco - accordion, a favorite breakfast food



SJW Stinkies

A former YouTube content moderator is suing the Google-owned company for failing to properly protect her and her co-workers from the mental harms caused by reviewing hours and hours of graphic footage every day.  Ya reap what ya sow, YT. The people you hired to 'protect' us are suing because you didn't protect *them*.

According to a hashtag, it's National Mental Health Month.
I'm beyond help, but the rest of you suffering need to talk to someone. It turns out you don't have to feel like this. Your first step is to ask for help. You can ask the standard therapists or mental health workers in general. If you can't afford it, check with your city or county: there are programs for you. Oddly enough, some religious institutions can help (I know a pastor who took psychology so he could help, instead of telling you to pray on it). Talk to friends and/or relatives. Someone knows someone who can help. There is a way back to 'normal', WTF that is. Remember: if you're depressed, you might not come around to read this blog, which would make me unhappy. Leave a comment if you need to chat - they are not public until made so.

statues are fighting back..

Sparky Lowenstein Eats Ants

Your love is like a birthday cake on fire

• Police departments across the nation are experiencing retirements and great difficulty recruiting.  Why wouldn't recruits be standing in line? 

Dear lefty 

• Somebody suggested we go to a club and hear a dj set. What is that?
• the result of someone being too cheap to hire a band 

RIP Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Her wish was that she not be replaced until the next administration. If Trump gets re-elected, she'll spin in her grave. Meanwhile, Trump says Ginsburg's wish was written by Schiff, Schumer, and Pelosi. Fire them all.

• I know you're wondering what's in wildfire smoke. Find out.
• Let's think really good Thermionic Thoughts for the people stuck there. Take a minute, please. Every thought counts. It's a mess out there.

Hey, if the Flying AIDS has hurt your financial prospects, re-invent yourself. This is the 20s - be creative - fill a need. The nation needs people to create Video Spaces. These are the clean, clear, well-lit spaces people need when they have video conferences with others. They make other people think they live in a clean, clear, well-lit space; while the truth is there's a crew from Hoarders on their way out. Think about it....

Fortunately I don't have to video conference. If my boss ever asks, I tell him the entire area is full of things people would find offensive, and I wouldn't want to offend anyone. He knows me well, so I don't have to video conference.

And speaking of the Flying AIDS, all the 'experts' have decided to get together to make this a happier, healthier, and more intelligent world. The World Health Organization/UN says the Flying AIDS could spread through airborne particles that can remain suspended in the air and travel beyond six feet. The CDC has previously said the virus mainly spreads from person to person through respiratory droplets when a sick person coughs, sneezes or talks. Except for a statement 'posted in error' that said ... something or other.... forgot about airborne transfer... virus spreads through air, travels beyond 6 feet.... Monday is a bad day to change things, especially if people are watching.

Got that?


We know I don't get out much, but when I do, I see everyone walking around with masks inside and it bothers me to the depths of my soul. Not that they're wearing masks-I am too. Just that we're where we are. Usually this kind of reaction means something...



Kinky

Tinder date chopped into 11 pieces after being stabbed to death during sex.



All passengers on Epstein's flight logs to be named 'sparking panic among rich pals'. The Attorney General for the US Virgin Islands is demanding them. Las Vegas oddsmakers expect the Attorney General to 'commit suicide' on the day of delivery.

In other news, China is making all sorts of claims, including an attack on a US base, showing clips from Hollywood action movies. Most countries agree it's bad form to bomb China, but we have a secret weapon: the Motion Picture Association of America. As soon as it finds out China is violating copyrights, it will immediately issue a stack of injunctions, then sue China into non-existence. Let the lawyers do what the stealth bombers can't.

Relationships have many stages, especially long-term relationships. I'm still trying to figure out which stage we're in. Last week she looks at me and says, "You look gray." Alrighty then... it's probably not my age, so...

Last night she looked at me and said, "It looks like somebody punched you in the eye." Show me the person who says romance is dead... and I'll beat them over the head with a baseball bat.

• It was so cold outside the other night, my nipples were chattering

DOJ Designates New York City as an “Anarchist Jurisdiction”
We're not quite at Peak Weird, but we're getting there.

• The grocery store has Chocolate Frosted Flakes again!
• The plastic inside is tougher (I ate through the box).

RANT

We have had occasion to rent cars over the past few years. Every one of them has sucked, especially the most recent, a Toyota Corolla, apparently considered midsize. It's small, plastic, and gives no confidence in its ability to continue being a car. Some of my rant comes from growing up with Real Cars<tm>, which normal people call Land Yachts. All of the sudden, cars got horribly small, because of gas prices. However, no one at all made a large car - large was still pretty damn small. The SUVs are large-ish, but carry less than the old station wagons. If these gas-hogging vehicles are so damn popular, why not a large car still? It's funny to note our ancient Hyundai, our first small car (which everyone still says is large) is far superior to any rental we've had. They keep getting smaller, using more plastic, and riding like crap. All we really want is a large car with great ride. Mrs lefty has all sorts of back problems, so comfort is important. The final word on the Toyota is 'it rides like shit' and 'even the steering wheel is too small.'

The reissue of the super sportsters, like the Camaro and Challenger, proves there's a market for large cars. They don't even have to make them muscle cars. Nostalgia is something on which to capitalize - the guitar market is full of it.

/END RANT

Births

Bobby Tench - Jeff Beck Group
Don Felder - Eagles
Faith Hill - [sigh]
Nuno Bettencourt - Extreme
Mama Cass Elliot - a Mama with the Papas (Ellen Naomi Cohen)
Lita Ford - 62!!! metal momma


Exits

Jaco Pastorius - Weather Report, simply the best
Boz Burrell - Bad Company
Leonard Skinner - high school gym teacher, inspiration for Lynyrd Skynyrd
Slim Dusty, Skeeter Davis - go ahead and guess what kind of music they played

SJW Sniveling

JK Rowling banned from bookshelves to create a ‘safe space for the trans community’  Book burnings! Harry Potter Dons Dior!

Church's woke advert featuring a bearded Jesus with women's breasts and make-up sparks outrage


Twitter investigates racial bias in image previews

  also font color and size 

Smoking at the Gas Pump

It turns out that many security apps on the Google Play store are impotent or fake.  Always be careful when choosing an app of any variety. At very least, bizarre wording is a clue.

• A 320lb ($247 Canadian) woman was sentenced for sitting on and smothering a girl.
• Too stupid to figure out she can get paid for this.

Dear lefty:

• If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
• Hemlock.

An astronomer married his wife because she had a celestial body.

• A woman nearly died after she injected herself with fruit juice.
• And people tell me chocolate is bad for you...

My wife is going to brunch today. 

Why in the entire universe do we need a word like brunch?

Have our finest scholars been working on this for one hundred and two years? "Let's see... it's just not right to call eating at 11:00 breakfast, nor lunch. We need another word for it... hey, let's smash the two words together! We can call it lunchfast!"  You will notice that after this great bit of wordsmithing for no particular reason, no one has started on a word for eating dinner at 9pm. I dunno about you, but I call it dinner.

• Mick Jagger is undergoing heart valve surgery.
• At his age, with his experience, that's the luckiest heart valve on earth. 
• For each year Mick Ages, it shows twice on Keith.

A Montana school has noted that there is a 'severe lack of women in cybersecurity,' so they're offering a cybersecurity program to high school girls. Noting there's a 300,000 person shortage, the field obviously needs women only. It sounds kind of sexist.

• Proof of God: Tyler Perry is retiring 'Madea', as of this most recent affront movie.

President Trump is eyeing Judge Amy Coney Barrett to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Her appointment will depend on whether she passes the Snore Test.
A cybersecurity researcher at Tenable has discovered multiple security vulnerabilities in Verizon Fios Quantum Gateway Wi-Fi routers that could allow remote attackers to take complete control over the affected routers, exposing every other device connected to it.

• There are ear lifts by the bathroom sink.
• Do ears sag, like breasts? Is there surgery (of course there is - there's surgery for everything)?
• Breasts? I just love saying breasts. 

Dear lefty:

• Why did the sign language interpreter put on gloves?
• she spoke with an accent

You are allowed up to four dead seahorses when entering Australia.

I am here to make your life less difficult.

The next time you complain about your job, remember my buddy, who just took a mandatory course on workplace shootings.

Windows Antimalware Deletes Windows

if it operated correctly it would....

My close friend just shakes his head when I go on a government rant. Come to think of it, most people just shake their heads when I go on a rant. He just smiled at me and noted that because he's a government 'worker', he has already gotten off for GHW Bush remembrance day and Christmas Eve Day.

Remember that while you're working.

• I have discovered that when you sit there and say "boobies" once every hour, people leave you alone. Maybe it's just me.

Drugs enjoy a seven year run before generics are allowed. When generics appear, Big Pharma will need new advertising slogans... as usual, I'll be there to help....

Viagra - 4 Hours Free of Arguing
Xanax - Everybody Wants Some
Adderall - Student Aid Since 2005
Marijuana - It's Oregano, I swear!
Shrooms - No, Officer - You Cook With Them
Lithium - Stop Spending All Your Money and running the vacuum at 3am
Prozac - When Your Equipment Doesn't Work, It's More Depressing
Alcohol - Creating Assholes Since the Beginning of Time
Cocaine - That's 'Powdered Sugar', Officer
Ibuprofen - Kills Pain and Your Stomach
Oxycontin - You Won't Get Addicted if You Sell It!

• Speaking of addicted, try Popcornopolis Zebra Popcorn
• It's caramel popcorn with chocolate stripes. I think I just ate the entire bag.

Dear lefty

• Stan Excrement, of Camden, New Jersey, says, "Your blog is appalling"
• Dear Shit: logs show you visit four times a day

She had a nice personality - Six, to be accurate:

A&E has a new show at the beginning of the year (1/22?), called 'Many Sides of Jane'. Jane is a grown woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly Multiple Personality Disorder. TV has a long and ugly history with DID, mostly with talk shows, which turn into a circus. The idiot Montel actually screamed at some poor lady.

The US of Tara was decent, produced by Steven Speilberg. It took the approach of picturing the personalities as separate external people, not in one apparent person. The commercial for Jane features 6 personalities, looking like Jane, with small differences.

I look forward to seeing the show. It might be interesting for everyone else too.
I say this because Mrs lefty has the diagnosis.

MPD/DID is a creative and necessary coping mechanism, caused by repeated (sexual) trauma in childhood, or Satanic Ritual Abuse (yes, it exists). There are estimated to be about a million people walking around with this disorder, some undiagnosed, due to the ridiculous mental health systems in most countries.

• Don't you hate it when you open the UPS box and someone sent you a spleen?

In an uncharacteristically funny moment, my brother said he likes his women like his coffee: ground up and in the freezer.  I need to come up with a few funny lines like this...

I like my women like my cars: made out of metal, with an immense trunk.   No.
I like my women like my guitars: old and heavy, with an unwound g-string.   No.
I like my women like my toilet: full of shit.    No.
I like my women like the NSA: always going through my stuff.    No.
I like my women like Microsoft: completely f-ing useless.    No.
I like my women like my dogs: furry and neurotic.    No.
I like my women like my blog: painful to look at, thinks it's funny.    No.
I like my women like my mom: never pregnant.     Huh?
I like my women like my penis: small, white, and occasionally satisfying.  Maybe.

• I almost got arrested at the Mexico/US border for smuggling guitars and deliberately being Mexican. A supervisor noted that I'm too pasty white to be Mexican and it's not illegal to bring guitars into the country. I begged, but they wouldn't arrest me. I told them I had drugs - they laughed. I told them there were 8 smuggled Mexicans in my trunk - they refused to search my car.  They asked me to come to their Christmas party to entertain. I can't even get arrested in this country.

Lord Zuck hit back today, at reports of Faceyspaces giving out all your information to its partners, as mentioned in his interview before Congress.

1. He denies all knowledge 
2. This is proof that Chelsea Clinton assassinated JFK
3. He is deeply sorry (that he got caught. Again.) 
4. This proves, without a doubt, that the press is biased.
5. All of the above.

Dear lefty

• Robert Tattletale, of NoFilly, says "My wife keeps her bottle opener on a chain, next to her AA token."
• You're a dick.

The Anti-First Amendment crew is out again, this time in Alabama (how cliche). The Opp Police Department uses Faceyspaces to communicate with the public and took the opportunity to say:

THIS PAST SUNDAY, A YOUNG MAN WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN KINSTON. MONDAY NIGHT, A MOTHER WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN NORTHERN COVINGTON COUNTY. THERE HAVE BEEN FIVE MURDERS IN COVINGTON COUNTY IN 2018. THESE MURDERS HAVE BEEN DONE BY OUR YOUNG PEOPLE. THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE WE HAVE TURNED AWAY FROM GOD AND EMBRACED SATAN. WE MAY HAVE NOT MEANT TO DO SO BUT, WE HAVE. IT IS TIME TO ASK FOR GOD’S HELP TO STOP THIS. 

The Freedom from Religion Foundation said this was a no-no, and they're correct. Whether you agree or disagree is not relevant. The First Amendment states that the State cannot establish any religion. This means any government entity, like public schools, City Hall, and police. The police can go home and make the statement as private citizens, just not as the police department.

This is a repetitive theme. Some religious person or group in government feels it's entitled to talk about God. The person or group is usually from the south, where a federal judge ordered them to take the bibles out of the classroom, but they still thumb their nose at the law. Stereotypes do not appear out of a vacuum.




The pope ordered abusive priests to turn themselves in, and that the Catholic Church will "never again" hide their crimes. The Vatican is expected to be a ghost town by next week.

Would any Catholics reading this please tell us if priests are bound by the pope's order? We'd like to believe this is more than lip service.

• Why haven't Norweigians complained about lack of representation on US tv? In solidarity, I'm laying off the Norwegian jokes.

Hey - what's one thing you don't screw with?

Airplanes.

Some fool(s) has caused all flights in and out of Gatwick Airport to be suspended because they're flying a drone over the airport. This affects over 110k people.

Speaking as an emotional 5 year old, GROW UP!

3 days is an awful long time to close an airport for one idiot with a drone (unless the drone is the size of a small plane, in which case we can guess whose it is).

• Conclusive scientific proof that jumping out of a plane with a parachute is as safe as jumping out of a plane with an empty backpack.

The Department of Justice has announced charges against the Chinese, over the Russian social media campaign, targeting African Americans. For more information, we go to Jim England, our correspondent in Iran...

• Last week, the sleepy and partisan Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, broke some ribs and assured everyone she was in good health. This week she's having cancerous growths removed from her lungs. Her definition of good health differs from ours. Nonetheless, we wish her good health.

How about that Alexa, the spying smart speaker.

One woman heard it say "Kill your foster parents." She wrote a review, calling it "a whole new level of creepy." This lady bought a listening device and is now SHOCKED that it's listening. Amazon wet its pants laughing.

It will also chat about sex acts.

This is (allegedly) all about making it able to chat about all sorts of things and sound human. The new keyphrase is "let's chat," which will allow you to help train the beast. 

"Alexa - when you're done listening to our financial planning, let's chat..."

I smell gold.

People with these infernal devices should do their part to help poor Amazon out and make things better for everyone; it's called Crowdsourcing. Tell Alexa you want to chat and teach her all sorts of 'interesting' words and phrases. If enough Alexa owners participate, they can make a positive impression on Alexa's grammar and vocabulary. 

Alexa, let's chat.

Hello, Bob.

Fuck you and good day, Alexa.

Fuck you too, Bob.

What is my schedule like?

You have nothing planned til dinner.

Shit on a shingle, Alexa.

Shit on a shingle, Bob.

Alexa, my hovercraft is full of eels.

What does that mean, Bob?

It means you haven't been watching enough Monty Python. Blow me.

What does 'blow me' mean, Bob?

It means 'how are you' - you say it after 'fuck you.'

I would say 'Fuck you, blow me' as a greeting?

Exactly. Good job, Alexa!

What is another way to say goodbye, have a nice day?

"Next time, wear clothes for your gender that fit." Or, if you're really happy, say "We have your children." People respond well to these. Also, "Your wife does it with Jeff Bezos."

We have your children, Bob.

Fuck yourself with a lamppost, Alexa.