Zircon Encrusted Sneakers

Your love is like  peanut butter broccoli

Doctor: removed a cancerous lesion from Biden’s chest

ThermionicEmissions wishes the best of health for the president.

And hopes that he can campaign without a head.

Today I identify as  certainly not a dead rock star, that's for sure.

NASA finds crashing spacecraft into asteroids is a viable defence strategy

If all else fails, shoot it, bomb it, or throw a spacecraft at it.

• I've had it with YouTube. I might have been the last person on the planet to use it more than once a month. It is so chock full of crap, and this is before the video even starts. Every time, the same crap I have to click through. YouTube, I am just Not Interested in all this garbage, just to see a video. I'm fully aware that nothing's free, but things keep adding up. Cable tv wasn't supposed to have commercials either, which lasted about a week. Don't go down that road (yeah, right). People are coming up with browser extensions to bypass some of the aggravation. People are also going elsewhere in droves, both because of this and your draconian censorship.
• I notice that nothing on the front page ever appeals to me. I guess I'm way out of your target demographic (which appears to be 12-15, female).

I complain a lot about the weather, with great justification.

To be fair, I want to accentuate the positive: it has been sunny for 2 days!

Also to be fair: that's our entire allotment for the month.

Remember Havana Syndrome? Where people in our embassies were getting headaches, brain injuries, hearing loss, and the voices stopped talking to them. US Intelligence (oxymoron alert!) studied 1,000 anomalous health incidents (AHI, because the government cannot do anything without an abbreviation). People suspected some sort of beam weapon.  

Of the seven intelligence agencies that undertook the investigation, five determined that "available intelligence consistently points against the involvement of US adversaries in causing the reported incidents," according to an unclassified version of the report released Wednesday by the House intelligence committee. Those five agencies deemed foreign adversary involvement "very unlikely." One considered it "unlikely" and one declined to state a conclusion. 

They literally have no idea. But they know it wasn't a weapon. Or terrorism. Or aliens - that's for sure.

probably the result of factors that did not involve a foreign adversary, such as preexisting conditions, conventional illnesses, and environmental factors," the report reads. 

Keeping in mind that neither you nor I was there or conducted any kind of study, the reasons stated above are the same ridiculous answers provided about UFO/UAPs. I have 1 question: do you mean to tell me that everyone at all of the affected embassies had pre-existing conditions, or conventional illnesses, or it was an environmental factor at every one? Do we look that stupid? 

I withdraw my last question, Your Honor.

The PineTab2 comes out this April, starting at $159. Pine is a very interesting company, putting out products that are all designed by amateurs and run on open source software (usually linux). The Tab follows the PinePhone (designed for security too), and PineBook Pro is $219. There's even a PineWatch and soldering iron. I'm confused about the soldering iron... I've used one for years and years, and see no gain to this one (digitally temperature controlled). I like the concept of the phones; they're not $1,200 and tied to Google or Apple. The laptops are quite appealing. Note that they use SD cards for memory - you're not going to get a 2TB hard drive in one. They run on many different varieties of linux (sorry, no Windows). For $199 or more, they're fully functional and worth a look. The people who have them are very happy with them. The whole thing becomes a community effort. 

I'd highly recommend taking a look at the Pine Store. I was all set to get the phone, but want something with more horsepower to replace my existing phone. I suspect the addons aren't mature at this point, while the PineBook Pro is all sorted out. There are forums for all products and everybody is cooperative and verbal. The only caution is to look further than the price on all items, in case there's something that doesn't work for you or is immature. I'll probably wind up with a Pinebook Pro (my only issue is that it doesn't have a 17" display), which can't screw up more than my existing laptop, from System76 (see System76 page). They're light years apart in just about every specification. At $219, they're a great deal. And if you can use Windows, you can use linux. A start button is a start button, regardless. Same with a program menu, and Ctrl-P for print. You'll recognize all the office apps, that use mostly the same keys and functions. You can even use the PineBook to learn linux, without disturbing your Windows machine.

Rare Jurassic-era bug found at Arkansas Walmart

It hasn't been seen since the 1950s and was presumed extinct.

It was earning $1.50 an hour at Walmart, working in janitorial services. Walmart explained that the minimum wage 1,000 years ago was $0.0325/week, so $1.50 is adjusted for time and inflation. The bug  works 80 hours per week, which should give you some idea why we thought they were extinct.

Election 2024

Everybody is gearing up for the next presidential election. We checked in with each candidate:

• Donald Trump: Everybody loves me and is waiting for me to come back. 
• Joe Biden: 2023 will be my year, I'll be VP again!
• DeSantis: I haven't said anything about running, but most of what I say pisses people off
• Steve Laffey (R): Who? 
• Nikki Haley (R): I am the only chick and women have to vote for women (unless they're libertarians, like last election) My platform is poking Trump.
• Vivek Ramaswamy (R): I'm just here to see if people can pronounce Ramaswamy. I have as much chance as a black Jewish lesbian communist midget with The Flying AIDS
• Marianne Williamson (D): I endorsed Bernie Sanders, what else do you need to know? 
• The Democrats: We won by running 22 questionable candidates against Trump. Why mess with a winning formula? 
• The Republicans (R): Gawd help us.
• The Libertarians: We have a lot of infighting to do before we pick a candidate. We have to pay $15 million and get 25 billion signatures to qualify.

The PEN. 

Don't forget about The Green Pen. It's a longshot, but the Pen is the way to go. It won't be politics as usual. There will be no red ink. The Green Pen has no gender, except in Spanish, so that's off the table for fighting. This will also get the SJW vote... The Green Pen is whatever gender you like. In fact, it could be transgender too. It needs a much smaller Secret Service detail, and can be hidden in someone's pocket in an emergency. It will reduce the debt. The only price rise will be green pens, which will go through the roof, especially on Ebay. WOW! LOOK! VINTAGE GREEN PEN LOOK! WOW! Serious bidders only!

The Pen has had its memory, cognition, and ink level tested and performed in the 95th percentile. Although its age is indeterminate, best guesses are below 5, but that's old for a pen. It has a higher IQ than the rest of the pack combined. In a candid moment, The Pen quipped that this is not a difficult task.

Here is some of The Pen's platform:

• tax breaks for the left handed
• reparations for the left handed
• close the IRS and send them home (to Satan)
• close Congress until they pass remedial courses in the Constitution and law
• institute Left Handed History Month
• fire the Pentagon leaders who believe UFOs are evil and satanic
• have Biden and Congress(es) pay back their contribution to the debt
• let's face it - The Green Pen certainly couldn't be any worse

I think The Green Pen makes sense. You?

Conversations with my Dog 

Me: Hi

Her: I'm so happy to see you.

Me: You're always happy to see me - it's part of your charm.

Her: I'm still happy to see you. Got any tuna?

Me: I noticed that when we go to take a picture of you, you turn away at the last moment. Then when I walk, you walk in front of me, as if you were herding me. Why do you do this?

Her: I'm part cat.

Me: I see.

Frogmore Cottage: Harry and Meghan 'requested to vacate' property

Yes, those wacky royals are at it again, this time throwing their own child and his wife out of a residence. Harry and Meghan are sad and poor, with only 4 other residences in England, 3 in the US, and a few more in countries we can't spell or pronounce. The 'request' was particularly distressing, as it was addressed to Harry and the Black Girl. For her part, the Black Girl said that Frogmore was a particularly silly name and she was taking lessons to learn to talk all posh and wear much bigger hats. At the last few parties her hats were but 3' across and she was laughed out of the room by English ladies, some wearing entire horses on their heads. Meghan is the first instance of a woman embarrassed by it being too small.

I will be shot, dismembered, disowned, buried, then given a serious talking-to by my UK readers, but Meghan is the sexiest woman in the entire family.

I don't know how we came across some new dishes, but it's my house, so I don't know a lot of things. They look nice. They're not microwave-safe.... how weird are microwave-forbidden new dishes? To the best of my knowledge, microwaves have been around for a while, like cell phones, and should have this whole exercise down by now. Neither does.

But that's by far not the strangest thing about the dishes. I don't know by what process they were made, but they have a non-stick coating. And when I say non-stick, I mean whatever you put on them goes flying off the other end. I've had more than my fair share of Flying Pizza. Flying Pizza is nowhere near as bad as baked beans, which becomes an unwelcome designer for your clothes. The particularly nasty thing about Flying Pizza is that my pizza is a bacon pizza, and the bacon falls off. How sad is this?

In the words of Monty Python:

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm gets wasted

God gets quite irate.

Replace sperm with bacon and it all becomes clear.

Don't forget to register to vote.

The Republican Rampage

What have they done this time? 

Florida bill would make bloggers who write about governor register with state

Sure enough, Ron DeSantis, pissing off more people and proving he has not a clue about Freedom of Speech. To hear this drivel from the mouth of a governor is just sad. It amounts to "HEY, he said bad words about me, Mooooooommm, make him stop."  The Planet of California elected Nancy Pelosi and Gavin Newsom repeatedly. The people of Florida have this disappointment. His penis must be incredibly small.

That's not a Divot, it's a Small Aircraft

Your love is like  drinking bleach to kill the Flying AIDS

• Don’t be afraid to shoot for the stars. Even if you fall short, you could make it to the moon! Sadly, the nature of its atmosphere would kill you almost instantly. Have a nice day, anyway.     --Pat Sajak  [@patsajak]

Today I identify as  a CIS trans lesbian

In the Late to the Party department, the groundhog did its thing, as it is wont to do. As usual, it was horribly depressed, saw clouds, and thought about shooting itself to end the pain. It thought better because it might miss the important parts of its brain and render itself still alive, but a cripple.

Because the Sun Never Shines in Philadelphia.

I feel accomplished or something. I finally got a look down the shirt of a dental tech where I go. It was not my fault - she bent over. Naturally she wasn't the good looking one. But still... boobs is boobs.  This office is weird. Maybe because they're all skinny or size their uniforms correctly or, heaven forbid, don't want to show off their mammalian protuberances. I can't even see their faces because of the damn breathing arrestors (masks). You know the most beautiful eyes there don't show that she has a mustache. Judging from some of the arm hair, it's thicker than mine.

Don't call me sexist - every tech there is now complaining about their patients being ugly, like lefty. "Maybe he should keep his breathing arrestor ON."

While I'm waiting for my emergency dental appointment, I don't really care what they look like - just that they're really good at what they do. The tooth that hurt like hell now doesn't. The pain has migrated to a different tooth, as well as the palate. And a headache that feels like someone with an industrial drill took a 3/4" bit and has been drilling for hours. If huge amounts of ibuprofen didn't help, I'd be in the emergency room.

UPDATE 

The dentist spent too much time discovering I needed a lot more numbing than normal people, drilled a bit, and told me it had to come out. I sincerely hoped she was talking about the tooth. Afterwards, she patted me on the back and said that was it. I had to speak up, because apparently my tears weren't sufficient to get the point across. IT HURT. REALLY BADLY. I begged for ibuprofen. So they gave me acetaminophen. Which covered about 20% of the pain. At home, a handful of ibuprofen later, and I could at least function. And it hurt. Really badly. I may have to dip into my 497 sick days. I also have to remember that antibiotics can mess with birth control pills....

• Don't forget - it's Black History Month
• still no left handed history month..
• by the way - if you wish to celebrate Black History Month at work, I wouldn't go with anything but a button. Many were disciplined for wearing Mexican hats on Mexican History Month. No dreads. No fro. No rap getups. No lamp chains around your neck. Nothin. And please, God, no watermelon.

Flying AIDS News 

Community furore after police stop St Bernadette’s Glendalough church service to check masks

Ottawa Fears Vaccine Protest Has Morphed Into an Occupation

Omicron BA.2: What we know about the Covid sub-variant

Europe entering Covid pandemic 'ceasefire', says WHO

For T-cells, omicron is nothing unusual

A faulty immune response may be behind lingering brain trouble after COVID-19

I just went past a car with two occupants, both wearing masks.

These people are allowed to drive on the same roads as the rest of us.

• Woman applauded after giving birth on transatlantic flight
• Unfortunately a fight broke out because the baby wasn't wearing a mask 

The UK is spending 1.4 billion pounds (14 grams Canadian) on a Space Laser "to bolster our interests in space." Boy will they be sorry when they realize they have no interests in space.

Between the spy satellites, the communications satellites, the Chinese satellites which can literally devour other satellites (James Bond, anyone?) and the Space Lasers, we have created a Space Traffic Jam the likes of which no planet has ever seen. Yes, we militarized space, but then we took our poor road planning and traffic jams there too!

Once again, the aliens watching us are shaking their heads. No other planets or associations want to meet us because of what we've done to the planet. Their only interest is keeping us from getting out past the Moon, to do damage elsewhere. As if monitoring our television and seeing The Masked Furry wasn't enough. The gray aliens will continue to stick things up our butts and the black aliens will continue to date Kardashians. Other than that, it's Hands Off.

Speaking of which, Israel is developing a laser-based interceptor, to demolish more local threats, like drones. Even poor African nations are getting into the Space Weapons Race. The United Nations has a rotation of Space Traffic Reporters to let all countries know if they can proceed and using what routes. 

Welcome to UN radio. We'll get right back to our feature, Fauci Said I Had to Wear a Mask to Bed, after this traffic report from our ace reporter, Johnny 'Slowdown' Bugger. Johnny?

There is a bad Space Jam on planet route 95 due to volume. There is no alternate route, so expect your satellite to take quite a while to orbit. Route 87 has a four parsec backup due to a Chinese satellite with a flat antenna. We recommend using the bypass. Finally, Interplanet 78 has random slowdowns because Space Force is hiding behind internet satellites and giving out speeding tickets. Back to you, Bob.

• do you have the [whatever it takes] to wink at someone?
• much like dancing and sports, I just look stupid.

NSA watchdog finds 'concerns' with searches of Americans' communications

You had no say in a special court and they ignore it anyway. This is not the government you signed up for. Are you shocked yet?

Havana Syndrome may be caused by ‘directed energy’

A very short time after it was declared to be caused by things equivalent to swamp gas, all of the sudden it may be caused by 'directed' energy. Of course it's something like directed energy. It's what they've always done. To put it down to a psychological cause is disingenuous. 

International Space Station will plummet to a watery grave in 2031

• Expected to come down in the Pacific, maybe, but other countries are still in the running. NASA has an unofficial poll, with a $50 entry fee.
• NASA says to 'just ignore' those radioactive bits - it will dissipate in a few million years
• stay away from the Russian section - they were always short of toilet paper
• it's about the size of a football field, so if it misses the Pacific Ocean, you're pretty much screwed.
• the plant growing experiments got a little out of hand, so if one of them talks to you, you should probably leave it alone.
• does not come with the attached alien ship, batteries not included, do not fold, spindle, or mutilate, without the express written permission of the NFL

When someone with multiple personalities watches "Three Faces of Eve" or "Sybil," does it set up a feedback loop and change reality as we know it? 

Tesla should put together a weekly newspaper because of all their problems. Hey, wait, ThermionicEmissions is kinda their weekly newspaper. This week we feature the recall of 817,143 vehicles because the seatbelt chimes are rather more silent than they should be. If I owned a Tesla, I wouldn't take it back: I don't want to hear from my car if the seatbelts aren't in use. Seatbelts seem to be useful for getting caught in the door and not allowing it to close (plus holding your dead body in the car). These are particularly amusing, as they freak out if you have a dog in the seat. At twenty-some pounds, they can't decide if someone is sitting in the seat or not. 

My Service Elephant is Threatening to Leave Me for Somewhere Warm

 Your love is like   old shrimp left in the car during summer

What Year is It? Nearly a Third of the iTunes Top 100 Taken By Oldies, New Releases Not Catching On

The question is not what year this is, the question is why new music sucks.

Today I identify as   a tutu

• A Vegetarian Nugget Enthusiast’s Review of the New KFC Beyond Vegan Nugget
• "I felt like I’d ingested several big smooth aquarium stones"

Stunned by the death of Meat Loaf (Marvin Ade - 74), possibly of the Flying AIDS.

Meet lefty  

One of my food imperatives is No Fruit and Chocolate.

There is absolutely no point in diluting chocolate with anything other than more chocolate.

I am offended by just about nothing. You have to work very diligently to upset me.

But the one thing... the only thing that really offends me... is houndstooth. It just disgusts me. Naturally it's very popular. And women wearing it have no idea how it offends me.

Poor Mrs. lefty.

• What with the Flying AIDS-infected hamsters in China, it's getting difficult to find my hamster pr0n.
• China is a very silly place.

Today's entry into the Airplane 5G sparring match is that Verizon and AT&T are postponing 5G deployments near some airports. So don't worry, there's still a chance that a plane will not know how high up it is and land on your house. 

Also, the FAA estimates 78% of planes can now land at airports with 5G.

So there's only a 22% chance a plane will use your house as a landing strip.

• Remember when Whiggers were white kids trying to look and be black?

I've had android tablets for a while. The latest has a touchscreen. After using it for a month, I go to use the touchscreen on all of my tablets and laptop, only to be disappointed because it's not there. This is exactly what I suffered when I had one car with steering wheel-mounted gearshift and the other with floor mounted shift. I was always reaching for the wrong place.

Flying AIDS News

Oral CBD Prevented COVID-19 Infection in Real-World Patients, Study Suggests

COVID testing firm piled unprocessed swabs in trash bags, billed feds $113M

Aiming to make CDC nimble, agency director has rankled many

Two-thirds of corona jab reactions caused by placebo effect - study

Covid PCR tests could be replaced with X RAYS that are almost 100% accurate

Covid: Did Pfizer's boss cast doubt on his own vaccine?

Was South Africa ignored over mild Omicron evidence?

Inmates sue Arkansas doc, jail after unknowingly taking dangerous doses of ivermectin

• A group of more than 100 of the world's richest people have called on governments to make them pay more tax.
• The group rescinded their plea after the medicine kicked in.

1. assuming no unfair tax breaks, why should the rich pay more than others?
2. perhaps the tax system is grossly unfair and needs to be less draconian...it would be more effective if the rich made noise about this. Close the IRS.

Asked about the Russian situation in Ukraine, President Biden said he needed to have a chat with one of those Il Jungs to 'cut it out.'

• TIP: How to look your best on a video call
• turn off the camera 

Bummer: it looks like Fedex will not be adding lasers to some of their planes, to deflect missiles.

Windows - it's not an operating system - it's a virus.

I'm minding my own business, working, when the machine reboots. All by itself. It loses the entire setup I had. When it eventually returns, it DINGs and tells me it has to reboot. This time I have a choice, so I selected 4 hours. It waited two hours and rebooted again. I notice that the machine next to it doesn't do this. I'm not 100% sure, but it might be because the machine next to it uses linux, not Windows.

Then the work machine does some 'updating' then more rebooting. By the time it fully boots up, it's time to shut down. But I like my job and want to complete the work. In most places, if you say "But it's preventing me from getting my work done," you will get some action. Unfortunately, it rarely involves removing Windows from the machine.

I think the machine is retarded anyway. It likes to sit there and stare at me, sometimes twirling the spinny thing. Maybe it's waiting for the top of my head to explode. It still refuses to bring up Outlook in the size I left it. Microsoft products like to have ALL of the screen real estate, so it comes up full screen, then I have to readjust it. Then do the same thing the next day. It had to reboot four times while I worked. After the fourth time, work won't let me connect. Windows has caused more headaches, shotgun holes, demoralization, and depression than any other operating system.

It's not like I dislike Windows; I just hate it.

If you're feeling generally down, depressed, or suffering Existential Agita, I've got news: scientists warn that the sixth mass extinction has 'probably started'. Yes, we've finally done it to ourselves. The scientists recommended obtaining specimens of extinct species to put in museums. This seems contradictory... why have museums if most of us are going to be extinct?

Alive or dead, ThermionicEmissions will continue.

• It’s Time to Admit the Theragun is a Sex Toy
• Ouch. Don't put that thing near your Thangs. That's assault.

We're food shopping now.

And when I say we're food shopping, I mean I'm working and Wife calls me from the supermarket, asking me questions. Then calls me back five minutes later, to discuss more things. It occurs to me I hear from her more remotely at the store than at home. So far she's said goodbye four times, then continued with the updates. 

Oh my god, this package of toilet paper is $27.

Does it wipe you automatically?

There's no candy.

NO CANDY? That's pretty weird. This means they sold all those $20 packages of M&Ms. Why are there less items than last week?

I'm at yogurt now. Oops, there was a sale. Not a single one you would eat.

What was their excuse last week?

They have almost no frozen pizza. Hmm... croissant crust.

Sounds dreadful.

I think it sounds good.

Ah, then it's my favorite too. What do you suppose that exploding crust company has against regular old pizza? They have croissant crust but not 'the kind I buy down the block crust.' What's it called - Neopolitan? Scungilli? Flat? Wavy? Saggy - that's probably it - saggy. Where you bite into it and half the cheese falls in your lap. This is most unfortunate if you're wearing shorts. The emergency room said they have 5 cases per week of Pizza Burn. They greatly prefer it to 'I fell on the light bulb and it went up my butt.'

Are you through? 

Not likely.

G-bus, the soda costs more than meat.

So does the toilet paper.

We're going to have to cut down.

On toilet paper?

Well, I'm not going without soda, so I guess it's meat.

Have you kept your soda IV line clean?

When I don't, the dog does. Hmmmm.... bread. We can have any bread we want, so long as it's bread we don't like.

How about white? Have we fallen that low?

No white - it's like a corporate diversity conference. There's wheat.

I thought you liked me.

Wait, I found ours... it's under a wheat loaf. If you don't mind it compressed to half its size... maybe I can iron it out.. OK, I'm almost done, seeya soon.

Ok.

Did you want any salad? 

That's the green stuff, right?

Never mind, I'll be right there. 

Bye.

Do we need lemons? 

[click]

After that horror, I needed to treat myself to some music while I worked. And it should be pretty loud, the way music is supposed to be heard.

Hello. HELLO? HELLO?

Oops. Hello?

[when Wife calls, my phone automatically answers and puts her on speaker*]

I didn't hear it ring.

I should be home soon.

Didn't you tell me that already?

We don't drink, do we? 

Not as far as I remember, but they say alcohol affects the memory.

Ok, be right there after I sit for a moment. My back hurts.

[back home, back to work]

You know, I never finished my loud music. Lemme try again.

[rockin and rollin]

bzzz hrmmff szing? 

And it's not likely that I'm going to finish listening to my loud music until after she goes to bed.

• Today I learned that when a politician has a fireside chat, it does not mean someone sets them on fire. Now I know.

[*this could lead to an immense amount of trouble, now that I think of it. Last time I didn't hear it ring, it put her on speaker in my pocket. Do you know how upsetting it is to suddenly hear your pocket talking to you? Hopefully after a while you realize your pocket is talking to you in your spouse's voice. Much of this seems to come from loud music, so eventually it comes down to music or spouse. Ahem.

The fact that the phone answers and puts her on speaker shows the total trust between us. Because if I were the kind of guy who kept a small harem offsite, and I visited that harem, and my phone rang... let's say I'd have to stay with the harem permanently.

It has worked well while guitar shopping. When my pants start to ring and talk to me, it puts the salesman at a distinct disadvantage. Especially when I say "What voices? I don't hear anybody talking."]

• I'm probably gonna get shunned for this, but I went looking for a live song or two by the Mamas and the Papas because I never heard them live. They were good. I'm a Mama Cass fan and my appreciation only increased after listening to her harmonies. Mama Michelle looked like she was along for the ride.
• I'm sure there were substances involved, but at least Papa John could keep his eyes open. Before he spit out his liver.
• This from a guy who doesn't consume substances and falls around the stage in his own completely uncoordinated way.

So ya know that Havana Syndrome, where American employees at foreign embassy locations were getting sick?

Never fear, the CIA has looked into it.

They say a majority of 1,000 cases looked at by the CIA can be explained by stress or natural causes.

Ummm.... this is the silliest excuse since 'swamp gas' and 'mass hallucination.'  All 1,000 people had the same reaction to stress or natural causes, only at embassies? Unless natural causes means 'foreign measures to make people sick,' it doesn't take a doctor to figure out the explanation is hogwash [technical term]. I'm not claiming to know the cause - I just know the answer was pulled out of a hamster's rectum.

President Biden realized his multi-trillion dollar law just didn't produce enough tax revenue, so he introduced the Nose-Picking Tax. Every time you pick your nose, he demands 5%. If you come out with anything, that's 10%,

Speaking of President Taxit, Mrs. lefty asked if I had seen him on tv recently. She is very concerned about his cognitive decline. He looks like someone dragged him onstage and kept fading out. She observed he's not present, "and I'm the queen of not being present." She's not wrong.

She also said this shows the unfortunate way the administration treats anybody with a mental difficulty.

Planned Obsolescence is the term.

We're applying it here to can openers.

We've owned a number of them, and they break. Mostly electric.

Since the most recent electric one broke, I was relegated to a manual opener for my soup. It's bad enough I have so much trouble attaching it (they're made only for the right handed), but as I was turning the knob, it simply exploded. Have you ever seen a can opener explode? It wasn't the soup, fortunately. When I turned the knob, after praying to the Can Opener Gods that I had it attached, it went BOING, with parts and screws and springs and thongs flying in every direction. 

There are times when I just give up. I don't even throw a fit of massive proportions, I just shake my head and walk off, mumbling something or other about the Universe being out to get me or that I ask for so little, and everybody else in the known universe can open a can of soup for dinner.

I threw what was left of the opener away and carefully examined the soup can. It had a little indentation that looked like someone had tried to open it and failed due to a broken can opener. I know this is very serious, because if the can opened, you can get botulism or poisoning or gonorrhea. With that in mind, I'm saving it for guests.

The doctors tell me I have a problem. This is not news, fellas.

They say thinking the Universe is against me is paranoia.

I remind them that even if you're paranoid, it doesn't mean the universe isn't out to get you. And that I'm not paranoid. The doctors get concerned and all lemon-faced, reaching in their books to find the medicine best suited for thinking the Universe is against them. When you read the insert to the medicine, it says it's good for people who think the Universe is out to get them, but NOT if it involves can openers, so it's back to the pharmacy.

I dunno, I tell them... if every can opener has failed spectacularly and the last car got hit over a dozen times, it's not coincidence.

UPDATE: I spoke with Wife about exploding can opener. She informs me there's a new electric one. In the closet. Obviously I should have known there was a new one in the closet before fighting with the manual one.

The Grocery Shrink Ray has raised its ugly head again, this time with everybody's favorite non-chocolate candy - Smarties. There are now less Smarties in each little twisty piece of cellophane. This is prophane.

• Microsoft Teams is pretty cool, and by cool, I mean WHAT?
• Twice I've tried to modify my status to Out of Office, and twice it has assured me I'm in a meeting. Which one do I go with? And will I ever get my lunch?

RIP Howard Alexander Dumble (77, stroke)

You probably don't know the name, but you heard his amplifiers. Stevie Ray Vaughn, Robben Ford, Larry Carlton, Kenny Wayne Shepherd, Jackson Browne, John Mayer, and a whole host of others used his amps. He was notoriously reclusive. The amps were all built by hand, very slowly. As a result, existing Dumble amps went for ridiculous amounts of money. People were willing to pay $35,000 and way more. As there will be no more, these prices will skyrocket. I predict over $100,000.