My Service Elephant is Threatening to Leave Me for Somewhere Warm

 Your love is like   old shrimp left in the car during summer

What Year is It? Nearly a Third of the iTunes Top 100 Taken By Oldies, New Releases Not Catching On

The question is not what year this is, the question is why new music sucks.

Today I identify as   a tutu

• A Vegetarian Nugget Enthusiast’s Review of the New KFC Beyond Vegan Nugget
• "I felt like I’d ingested several big smooth aquarium stones"

Stunned by the death of Meat Loaf (Marvin Ade - 74), possibly of the Flying AIDS.

Meet lefty  

One of my food imperatives is No Fruit and Chocolate.

There is absolutely no point in diluting chocolate with anything other than more chocolate.

I am offended by just about nothing. You have to work very diligently to upset me.

But the one thing... the only thing that really offends me... is houndstooth. It just disgusts me. Naturally it's very popular. And women wearing it have no idea how it offends me.

Poor Mrs. lefty.

• What with the Flying AIDS-infected hamsters in China, it's getting difficult to find my hamster pr0n.
• China is a very silly place.

Today's entry into the Airplane 5G sparring match is that Verizon and AT&T are postponing 5G deployments near some airports. So don't worry, there's still a chance that a plane will not know how high up it is and land on your house. 

Also, the FAA estimates 78% of planes can now land at airports with 5G.

So there's only a 22% chance a plane will use your house as a landing strip.

• Remember when Whiggers were white kids trying to look and be black?

I've had android tablets for a while. The latest has a touchscreen. After using it for a month, I go to use the touchscreen on all of my tablets and laptop, only to be disappointed because it's not there. This is exactly what I suffered when I had one car with steering wheel-mounted gearshift and the other with floor mounted shift. I was always reaching for the wrong place.

Flying AIDS News

Oral CBD Prevented COVID-19 Infection in Real-World Patients, Study Suggests

COVID testing firm piled unprocessed swabs in trash bags, billed feds $113M

Aiming to make CDC nimble, agency director has rankled many

Two-thirds of corona jab reactions caused by placebo effect - study

Covid PCR tests could be replaced with X RAYS that are almost 100% accurate

Covid: Did Pfizer's boss cast doubt on his own vaccine?

Was South Africa ignored over mild Omicron evidence?

Inmates sue Arkansas doc, jail after unknowingly taking dangerous doses of ivermectin

• A group of more than 100 of the world's richest people have called on governments to make them pay more tax.
• The group rescinded their plea after the medicine kicked in.

1. assuming no unfair tax breaks, why should the rich pay more than others?
2. perhaps the tax system is grossly unfair and needs to be less draconian...it would be more effective if the rich made noise about this. Close the IRS.

Asked about the Russian situation in Ukraine, President Biden said he needed to have a chat with one of those Il Jungs to 'cut it out.'

• TIP: How to look your best on a video call
• turn off the camera 

Bummer: it looks like Fedex will not be adding lasers to some of their planes, to deflect missiles.

Windows - it's not an operating system - it's a virus.

I'm minding my own business, working, when the machine reboots. All by itself. It loses the entire setup I had. When it eventually returns, it DINGs and tells me it has to reboot. This time I have a choice, so I selected 4 hours. It waited two hours and rebooted again. I notice that the machine next to it doesn't do this. I'm not 100% sure, but it might be because the machine next to it uses linux, not Windows.

Then the work machine does some 'updating' then more rebooting. By the time it fully boots up, it's time to shut down. But I like my job and want to complete the work. In most places, if you say "But it's preventing me from getting my work done," you will get some action. Unfortunately, it rarely involves removing Windows from the machine.

I think the machine is retarded anyway. It likes to sit there and stare at me, sometimes twirling the spinny thing. Maybe it's waiting for the top of my head to explode. It still refuses to bring up Outlook in the size I left it. Microsoft products like to have ALL of the screen real estate, so it comes up full screen, then I have to readjust it. Then do the same thing the next day. It had to reboot four times while I worked. After the fourth time, work won't let me connect. Windows has caused more headaches, shotgun holes, demoralization, and depression than any other operating system.

It's not like I dislike Windows; I just hate it.

If you're feeling generally down, depressed, or suffering Existential Agita, I've got news: scientists warn that the sixth mass extinction has 'probably started'. Yes, we've finally done it to ourselves. The scientists recommended obtaining specimens of extinct species to put in museums. This seems contradictory... why have museums if most of us are going to be extinct?

Alive or dead, ThermionicEmissions will continue.

• It’s Time to Admit the Theragun is a Sex Toy
• Ouch. Don't put that thing near your Thangs. That's assault.

We're food shopping now.

And when I say we're food shopping, I mean I'm working and Wife calls me from the supermarket, asking me questions. Then calls me back five minutes later, to discuss more things. It occurs to me I hear from her more remotely at the store than at home. So far she's said goodbye four times, then continued with the updates. 

Oh my god, this package of toilet paper is $27.

Does it wipe you automatically?

There's no candy.

NO CANDY? That's pretty weird. This means they sold all those $20 packages of M&Ms. Why are there less items than last week?

I'm at yogurt now. Oops, there was a sale. Not a single one you would eat.

What was their excuse last week?

They have almost no frozen pizza. Hmm... croissant crust.

Sounds dreadful.

I think it sounds good.

Ah, then it's my favorite too. What do you suppose that exploding crust company has against regular old pizza? They have croissant crust but not 'the kind I buy down the block crust.' What's it called - Neopolitan? Scungilli? Flat? Wavy? Saggy - that's probably it - saggy. Where you bite into it and half the cheese falls in your lap. This is most unfortunate if you're wearing shorts. The emergency room said they have 5 cases per week of Pizza Burn. They greatly prefer it to 'I fell on the light bulb and it went up my butt.'

Are you through? 

Not likely.

G-bus, the soda costs more than meat.

So does the toilet paper.

We're going to have to cut down.

On toilet paper?

Well, I'm not going without soda, so I guess it's meat.

Have you kept your soda IV line clean?

When I don't, the dog does. Hmmmm.... bread. We can have any bread we want, so long as it's bread we don't like.

How about white? Have we fallen that low?

No white - it's like a corporate diversity conference. There's wheat.

I thought you liked me.

Wait, I found ours... it's under a wheat loaf. If you don't mind it compressed to half its size... maybe I can iron it out.. OK, I'm almost done, seeya soon.

Ok.

Did you want any salad? 

That's the green stuff, right?

Never mind, I'll be right there. 

Bye.

Do we need lemons? 

[click]

After that horror, I needed to treat myself to some music while I worked. And it should be pretty loud, the way music is supposed to be heard.

Hello. HELLO? HELLO?

Oops. Hello?

[when Wife calls, my phone automatically answers and puts her on speaker*]

I didn't hear it ring.

I should be home soon.

Didn't you tell me that already?

We don't drink, do we? 

Not as far as I remember, but they say alcohol affects the memory.

Ok, be right there after I sit for a moment. My back hurts.

[back home, back to work]

You know, I never finished my loud music. Lemme try again.

[rockin and rollin]

bzzz hrmmff szing? 

And it's not likely that I'm going to finish listening to my loud music until after she goes to bed.

• Today I learned that when a politician has a fireside chat, it does not mean someone sets them on fire. Now I know.

[*this could lead to an immense amount of trouble, now that I think of it. Last time I didn't hear it ring, it put her on speaker in my pocket. Do you know how upsetting it is to suddenly hear your pocket talking to you? Hopefully after a while you realize your pocket is talking to you in your spouse's voice. Much of this seems to come from loud music, so eventually it comes down to music or spouse. Ahem.

The fact that the phone answers and puts her on speaker shows the total trust between us. Because if I were the kind of guy who kept a small harem offsite, and I visited that harem, and my phone rang... let's say I'd have to stay with the harem permanently.

It has worked well while guitar shopping. When my pants start to ring and talk to me, it puts the salesman at a distinct disadvantage. Especially when I say "What voices? I don't hear anybody talking."]

• I'm probably gonna get shunned for this, but I went looking for a live song or two by the Mamas and the Papas because I never heard them live. They were good. I'm a Mama Cass fan and my appreciation only increased after listening to her harmonies. Mama Michelle looked like she was along for the ride.
• I'm sure there were substances involved, but at least Papa John could keep his eyes open. Before he spit out his liver.
• This from a guy who doesn't consume substances and falls around the stage in his own completely uncoordinated way.

So ya know that Havana Syndrome, where American employees at foreign embassy locations were getting sick?

Never fear, the CIA has looked into it.

They say a majority of 1,000 cases looked at by the CIA can be explained by stress or natural causes.

Ummm.... this is the silliest excuse since 'swamp gas' and 'mass hallucination.'  All 1,000 people had the same reaction to stress or natural causes, only at embassies? Unless natural causes means 'foreign measures to make people sick,' it doesn't take a doctor to figure out the explanation is hogwash [technical term]. I'm not claiming to know the cause - I just know the answer was pulled out of a hamster's rectum.

President Biden realized his multi-trillion dollar law just didn't produce enough tax revenue, so he introduced the Nose-Picking Tax. Every time you pick your nose, he demands 5%. If you come out with anything, that's 10%,

Speaking of President Taxit, Mrs. lefty asked if I had seen him on tv recently. She is very concerned about his cognitive decline. He looks like someone dragged him onstage and kept fading out. She observed he's not present, "and I'm the queen of not being present." She's not wrong.

She also said this shows the unfortunate way the administration treats anybody with a mental difficulty.

Planned Obsolescence is the term.

We're applying it here to can openers.

We've owned a number of them, and they break. Mostly electric.

Since the most recent electric one broke, I was relegated to a manual opener for my soup. It's bad enough I have so much trouble attaching it (they're made only for the right handed), but as I was turning the knob, it simply exploded. Have you ever seen a can opener explode? It wasn't the soup, fortunately. When I turned the knob, after praying to the Can Opener Gods that I had it attached, it went BOING, with parts and screws and springs and thongs flying in every direction. 

There are times when I just give up. I don't even throw a fit of massive proportions, I just shake my head and walk off, mumbling something or other about the Universe being out to get me or that I ask for so little, and everybody else in the known universe can open a can of soup for dinner.

I threw what was left of the opener away and carefully examined the soup can. It had a little indentation that looked like someone had tried to open it and failed due to a broken can opener. I know this is very serious, because if the can opened, you can get botulism or poisoning or gonorrhea. With that in mind, I'm saving it for guests.

The doctors tell me I have a problem. This is not news, fellas.

They say thinking the Universe is against me is paranoia.

I remind them that even if you're paranoid, it doesn't mean the universe isn't out to get you. And that I'm not paranoid. The doctors get concerned and all lemon-faced, reaching in their books to find the medicine best suited for thinking the Universe is against them. When you read the insert to the medicine, it says it's good for people who think the Universe is out to get them, but NOT if it involves can openers, so it's back to the pharmacy.

I dunno, I tell them... if every can opener has failed spectacularly and the last car got hit over a dozen times, it's not coincidence.

UPDATE: I spoke with Wife about exploding can opener. She informs me there's a new electric one. In the closet. Obviously I should have known there was a new one in the closet before fighting with the manual one.

The Grocery Shrink Ray has raised its ugly head again, this time with everybody's favorite non-chocolate candy - Smarties. There are now less Smarties in each little twisty piece of cellophane. This is prophane.

• Microsoft Teams is pretty cool, and by cool, I mean WHAT?
• Twice I've tried to modify my status to Out of Office, and twice it has assured me I'm in a meeting. Which one do I go with? And will I ever get my lunch?

RIP Howard Alexander Dumble (77, stroke)

You probably don't know the name, but you heard his amplifiers. Stevie Ray Vaughn, Robben Ford, Larry Carlton, Kenny Wayne Shepherd, Jackson Browne, John Mayer, and a whole host of others used his amps. He was notoriously reclusive. The amps were all built by hand, very slowly. As a result, existing Dumble amps went for ridiculous amounts of money. People were willing to pay $35,000 and way more. As there will be no more, these prices will skyrocket. I predict over $100,000.