Your love is like shaved ice in the winter
So I had to go into work today, for the first time in almost a year.
This meant I had to put on pants. I hate that.
The car DINGS to alert me there's a possibility of snow on the roads.
How does my CAR know this?
Apparently the car doesn't know snow is forecast for tomorrow. Maybe my car is special. Maybe my car should shut up. Jeez- I'll bet it's telling me all sorts of things and I'm just not looking.
- Asshole Ahead
- Asshole Behind
- That was a pretty good tune, who was it by?
- You should really hit your wife up tonight - she's in the mood
I have my music over BlueTooth, plenty of gas, and I'm off. Speaking of Bluetooth, I need to find a really interesting Bluetooth name. The name of the car is too obvious. NSA Spy Van might work. Or Undercover Police. That way when anybody needs to connect, Undercover Police will show up. Better yet, IRS Collections.
Having gotten to work, I remembered how stressing it was on my body: all the standing, kneeling, walking, and standing and walking again made me really sore. Then the driving... mein Gott.
We made the server room Super Secret Access - it's incredibly safe. It's incredibly safe because we made it Super Secret Access and didn't bother to tell anyone, specifically me. The people who lovingly put everything in the racks did a wonderful job, as always, but they have a new way of doing things that involves hiding things in the rack. Even if you find them, you need a stool, 2' more height, and a nice suite of floodlights to figure out what's going on. Sometimes a seeing eye dog. If you put your phone in flashlight mode, it laughs at you, like that's going to help you see anything.
Then I made the ridiculously optimistic move of calling Mrs. lefty, to see if I could pick anything up for her on the way home. I say optimistic because she'll never hear the phone ring, whether it's the house line or her phone. Twice today I watched her walk out of the room and immediately, the phone rang. It makes me feel better that she's not ignoring me. She has her voicemail set up to tell everyone who calls that it's full and they can't leave a message. She shut voicemail down on the house line, so the only way to get her is if the phone is in her hand. Since she never knows where her phone is, you simply can't get in touch with her. She also doesn't receive texts from certain persons, #1 being me. I've tested this, so don't go telling me she's ignoring me. I've mentioned stapling the phone to her forehead, but if she answers it, she'll forget to re-staple it when she's done.
- Now I know two people with the Flying AIDS. A coworker had a bad headache, went to the ER, and tested positive. Since he was otherwise asymptomatic, they sent him home and told him to take ibuprofen if necessary.
Today I identify as Bridget Jones
Flying AIDS News
Omicron is not mild and is crushing health care systems worldwide, WHO warnsFlorida’s COVID cases and hospitalizations are surging, but the state has the second-lowest death rate in the nation.but they can't agree on whyCDC updates are straining already-pressed public health departmentsSupreme Court appears poised to block Biden's vaccine and testing rules for businesses
Teacher put 13-year-old son in her trunk while driving to testing site for fear of COVID-19 exposure Gawd bless America!
CDC Pushes Flawed Study on Kids, COVID-19, and Diabetes
Covid-19: Common cold may give some protection, study suggests
- Pope Francis says choosing pets over kids is selfish
- So is molesting little boys and covering it up, pedophile
Sinead O'Connor's 17 year old son committed suicide after he simply 'went missing' from suicide watch at a hospital. They both suffer from bipolar disorder.
I can't speak for Ireland, but if you're on suicide watch in the US, you either have someone sitting next to you or you are visited every xx minutes. The place is locked down pretty well, too. And the US has a pretty poor system.
Our most sincere regrets go to Sinead.
We still don't like her music.
- Did you know there's a book called "Breasts - A Natural and Unnatural History"? I'm shocked the author didn't send me an advance copy.
Just saw a commercial for athletic socks.
I can see I'm going to need them, to help me get out of bed, down the steps, and to the couch. Athletically. Because the regular old socks just aren't helping me athletically.
Next up:
- athletic shoelaces
- athletic condoms
- athletic supporters
IRS launches Tax Center to educate taxpayers on paying a fair amount of taxes.
Tesla’s ‘Full Self-Driving’ beta has an ‘assertive’ driving mode that ‘may perform rolling stops’. Also...
- If you use Norton or Avira antivirus, they just installed a cryptominer. It takes serious CPU cycles and Avira gets 15% (not sure about Norton). Avira was just purchased by Norton. Advice: go into settings and turn it off.
- if you have a QNAP device, get it off the internet NOW, per article. These things shouldn't be touched with 10' poles (opinion based upon constant issues)
RIP Bob Saget (65) unknown causes
I really thought that one of the Olsen twins was going to become famous in a bad way. Drugs or something. I never watched the show, but from the pictures, I thought the slutter-looking one was cuter (of course).
Well, it's winter, it snowed, and it's time for CLEANING!
(don't tell anybody, but we've been cleaning for about 20 years and it has only made things worse)
Dear?
Yes?
On the stove is a bunch of stuff I found in the prep area that might not be needed.
Cool. What?
A set of wrenches, several packets you pour into water to flavor it, hubcaps from a 1974 Datsun, half-empty medicine bottles, some xmas presents, and $1.74 in change in the sink.
Ok, thanks.
Do ya think you could do something with all that stuff? The hubcaps are worth a lot, plus we could use the prep space.
Wait, wait, I'm doing something.
You probably don't remember, but we agreed not to leave non-kitchen-related things in the kitchen.
Nope, but I'll leave them there get them tomorrow.
Thanks. I don't want to go as far as to say we're getting organized, I just want to maximize the square foot of prep space so we don't have to move the elephant every time we want to cook.
Who's this lady?
What lady?
On tv.
I'm in the kitchen.
Well come in and see.
That's Jennifer Lawrence. I believe she's the highest paid female actress at the moment. I would like to have her babysit when you go away.
I've never seen her before.
To the best of my knowledge, they don't need to check with you before they decide on pay. Besides, your movies rarely have color in them, so it's understandable you might have missed her. So, about her babysitting....
When I was younger, I bought books on organizing and clutter.
And now they're piled up so high, we can't get into the kitchen.
Part of my problem was we were poor when I was little, so I'm overcompensating by buying lots of stuff.
No wonder Every Shopping Network<tm> calls to check on you weekly. We're putting their kids through school. Is it possible that money could have gone to better places?
It did. To cigarettes.
Small wonder we're broke. So, about cleaning....
The doctors told me to work on one spot til it's finished.
And?
That's not the way I work.
So there are 17 half-finished projects in every room.
I'm working on it.
And how's that working out for you?
Maybe the doctors were right....
The kitchen and attic both need work, but it's probably not productive to remove only half the nuclear reactor parts from the kitchen, then spend quality time half-wiring the attic.
Look, I have to do it my way.
We both have a problem with clean, flat spaces. We simply cannot leave them alone. Every unoccupied space must be filled as soon as possible.
Why do you say that?
That spot on the coffee table where my laptop sits? The moment I pick it up, there are 3 remote controls, strawberry Quik, and some batteries popular during the Truman administration sitting there.
It's a compulsion, like keeping all labels toward us.
No, that's obsessive compulsion.
NO IT ISN'T. Everybody goes through gallons of hand cleaner a week and keeps the tv volume only on even numbers.
So if the doctors were right about one task at a time, how do you think you're going to change?
I'm still thinking about it. STOP BULLYING ME.
I stopped discussing any of this with you after last time.
What happened last time?
I cleaned up entire flat surfaces in the living room.
I don't remember that.
No matter, they were re-cluttered within hours.
What about your contribution to the mess?
I will cop to the guitar stuff, anything elephant-related, and the vertically-oriented Camaro in the dining room. The rest is mostly clothes. You have more shoes than some small countries. And you hang up clean clothes in places the elephant goes, so they're always on the floor. Or on the elephant, and trust me, he doesn't look good in some of your dresses. They're too small and he can't figure out how to put them on. It was only a matter of time til we had the world's first cross-dressing service elephant. I have to keep the LGBTQ+ people away - they want to celebrate his uniqueness and he just wants to be a service elephant. He says he really can't be a cross-dresser because he doesn't wear clothes in the first place. He insists he'd be more of a costume dresser and the other elephants would laugh at him. So he's in a good place now.
Did you say something? I was spackling the oven.
I felt I hadn't had enough grief and aggravation, so I went food shopping with Wife. She's feeling a bit sore, so I had to carry the heavy stuff. Naturally it's raining. In fact, the rain got heavier as we parked the car. Oddly, the only thing we've had approaching sun lately was after it snowed. I hate it here.
It was, as expected, a course in Supply Chain Issues.
Oddly, it was more a course in lefty Supply Chain issues. If I wanted it, they didn't have it. At one point, I didn't get too close to shelves so maybe there would be something I wanted.
Can I have some cherry yogurt?
Sure, out of the empty spaces for 100 different kinds, there are exactly two, so long as you want strawberry.
I see. How about some vanilla ice cream?
There's Philadelphia Vanilla.
WTF is Philadelphia Vanilla? Is it more highly taxed? Does it have pieces of cheesesteak in it? How about some frozen pizza?
Not a single one we eat. Some look decent, though. Look at this.. stuffed cheese and bacon.
What is it you say? Yeah, no.
But it rises in the oven.
Oh, the Exploding Crust Pizza! By all means.
I can't find the tomato soup.
You're right - I can't find a single can of it either. Imagine... tomato soup... wait - here's one.
That's Healthy soup.
Oh. Here's one.
That's no salt.
Perhaps they stopped making good old regular tomato soup. Maybe there's no demand for it... heh heh.
Ok, pick out a few.
I want bean with bacon. It's right up there, in the empty spot.
Look on the bright side - there's cream of mushroom, cream of broccoli, cream of cream, and cream of onion. They're not the healthy or low salt varieties either.
Of course they're not. Those cans have been here since WWII. If anybody bought cream of celery, the registers would ring, sirens would go off, and the customer would win a million dollars.
Really?
No, I'm making it up, but it's not far from the truth. Geebus - my M&Ms caramel are fourteen dollars a bag! Maybe I'm higher maintenance than I thought.
Look, they have bologna.
Cool, I love buh-low-me. {do not use this pronunciation around kids}
Look - soda is buy two, get two.
Oof, that's still expensive. Almost as expensive as water. Dammit, no matter which side of the soda box I pick up, the handle is on the other side.
Law of physics.
Have you noticed only a few people are wearing their breathing arrestors?
Yup, there was no sign. And they took out the 6' spacing signs.
Maybe they know something.
Or they just gave up.
Or that stupid robot-thing running around sucks up the virus.
Is that what that thing does?
I'm not sure, but there are definitely a lot of missing children around here.
Why does that magazine say Betty White turns 100?
Because some editor is about to be fired. Can I have some of that seasoning I like?
No.
Why not?
Because they have eleven varieties, but not yours.
Would it be easier if I stayed in the car?
No, you're not good when left alone, and I don't want to bail you out like last time. Remember: it's ok to watch those movies on your phone, but it's not ok to show your appreciation without pants.
You're as stuck up as the rest of them.
No, I'm the one who bails you out. Again and again.
We also went to the place that rhymes with Home Repo.
They required breathing arrestors. This caused me to not smell that woody smell the store has piped into the air. Because of this, their Competent Ray didn't get to me, and I didn't feel that if I bought tools, I could build stuff. That's how they get you: you come in for a screw and walk out with a complete $600 battery-powered drill and auger set. You had never seen an auger before in your life. It's a good thing you missed the plumbing aisle... heaven knows what you would have done to the toilets.
The thing that really got me was that the extremely friendly, helpful staff asked if they could helpful us with anything. She said no thanks, stood there, then walked right to the shelves she needed. She had never been in that store before. This has me worried. Out of all the superpowers....
Our last task was to get keys made. This sure has changed. There's an entire wall full of silly character keys you can buy. Hint: do NOT buy them. They're made out of a super dust polymer that breaks on its 25th use. It only looks like metal. There are regular key blanks available. They're proudly displayed by the second key machine, in the locked drawer, beneath the bags for the finished keys. Again, the employees were friendly and helpful. Especially Bob. Bob was hired to prove to the world how progressive and woke Home Repo is, by hiring an old man who is the only one who doesn't know he needs hearing aids. I suspect Bob has never seen wood either. The customer in front of us asked questions, Bob looked confused, and said things like 'Uhhhhh' and 'Green' a lot. By the time everything was over and the fire was put out, the time-saving, customer-operated key machine required three employees (and the firemen) to operate. That there is some time-saving hardware. If the employees can't operate it, the customers are better off trying to build their own houses. Even with the adorable little display that gave you instructions, that the third employee called over told the second employee to ignore because sometimes they're wrong. I was pleasantly surprised the key worked. At least I think the key worked. There was no screaming when she used it, so things must be ok. So far we've been through two Eeyore keys and one of those things that looks like a Twinkie but has 13 movies out...Minions? I suggested real metal keys, so she got Twinkies. We'll be back for another key in a month. The only thing that confused me is that there were six Customer Service ladies at registers and one cashier. She was all sorts of bright and happy, telling us, in detail, about her cats. The way she described one, I think he was a dog, but I didn't want to ruin her day by telling her. When you go to adopt a cat, hearing a BARK is a pretty definite indicator. Although having a cat that barks would be pretty cool.
When we got home, she wanted dinner. She suggested the cheese-infused pizza. I wanted the Philadelphia Vanilla ice cream. We combined them.
And still no trip to Guitar Center.
I am very high maintenance and highly demanding.
I always thought I was cheap and easy.
- Good: You bought a Mercedes
- Bad: The hood is locked. No user serviceable parts, etc
- Question: when was the last time you saw a Mercedes owner under the hood?
- the way some of these people drive, the doors should come locked too
I should probably have Tesla send me their press releases... I couldn't write this stuff every week....
- gives the finger to other drivers
- blows the horn at other drivers
- aggressively passes if drivers in front aren't going fast enough
- stops using its turn signals entirely
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