Don't Hurt that Concrete with Your Face

Your love is like  green eggs with no ham

So I'm minding my business, performing an activity I'm proficient at: napping. The fancy knock at the door indicates Wife is home. She seems to consider me her electric door opener. It must be something from childhood.  Anyway, I open the door for a salesgirl who wasn't Mrs. lefty and Penny goes running out to greet her. Then the neighbor happened to be walking by with his dog, that Penny has gone after twice. Well, make that three times.

Now awake from my nap, it no longer mattered that I didn't have any shoes on; I took a huge leap out of the house, ran onto the grass, and within a second of my socks hitting the grass, my head hit the grass. It was some sort of Olympian feat that I had no way of understanding. It must have been good, because the guy with the dog and the salesgirl kept asking if I was ok. I did hit a bit of sidewalk, but there was only minor damage (to the sidewalk). So I'm a little sore here and there, with abrasions on elbows and my butt. The strange thing was that I didn't land on my butt. Perhaps it was complaining or jealous that it never gets the attention. The most amusing part of the exercise was that I had to put a towel on the chair so I didn't bleed on it. It's the little things.

Today I identify as  a traffic light that's green on both sides

There is a bag of chips magnetically attached to the refrigerator.

This, I guess, goes with the bag of chips in the refrigerator.

I cannot find any salsa or dip.

Like most things, I don't know why, but choose to just let it be, like the 70s Camaro positioned vertically in the dining room. It's what's referred to as a Monolith. The first day, it appears. After a day or two of ignoring it, it becomes part of the room and nobody sees it anymore, kinda like the ICBM in the basement.

The chips are somewhat difficult to make out, because of the sheer volume of refrigerator magnets attached to it. I never heard this, but I think all that magnetism on the outside does something to the guts inside, causing the refrigerator to be referred to as the fridge, gaining a 'd' in the process. Attached to the magnets are all sorts of funny sayings (funny being in the eye of the beholder). I normally manage to ignore this 'art' but I'm having trouble finding the fridge handle. It's kinda like not being able to find the bed, between the dog's toys and my wife's stuffed animals. I stopped trying to put them back because they kept magically reappearing, like our Zombie Dishes<tm>. I'd sleep on the sofa, but it's full of chips and fridge magnets too.

• I'll bet you like your Chrome browser - most people do.
• But check out how Google builds a profile of you when you use Chrome...

Busy in our newsrooms since the 50s at least, the CIA has been feeding us false info about Ukraine. Trumpie wasn't completely wrong when he claimed 'fake news.' Yes, our government is feeding us whatever they want us to believe, via the news. Are we seriously paying for this? Are we seriously being governed by this?

Speaking of draconian Texas anti-abortion laws, a woman accused of self-induced abortion was jailed for two nights before murder charges were dismissed.

Remember: You own You.

A California (of course) lawmaker is pushing for a 4-day, 32 hour workweek.

"to create a better work-life balance for workers."

California's residents are up in arms, refusing to go to 4 days (from 3).

California's businesses are tired of the government's paws in their businesses.

I heard noise here and there and discovered some guys taking trash away from my ex-neighbor's house. Her patio, which held her rocking chair and plants all over the place, was bare - barren. I'm sure they're cleaning so they can sell it. 

• The guy who shot up the New York subway is in custody. He worked for Doordash and Amazon for a while. Amazon - that explains it. 
• In another rail incident, a former train engineer for the Port of Los Angeles, derailed a train in 2020. His defense team is going with 'studying QAnon and hopped up on caffeine.'
• Hopped up on caffeine? That could describe half the country on any given morning - you don't see them derailing trains....

The Taxing Problem

The system is beyond broken. Remove the IRS and make it simple. Don't forget - Congress got it to where it is. The income tax was 'temporary'.  It never goes away.

Coastal cities around the globe are sinking

When you have lemons, you make lemonade.

• Manilla first floor properties now boast 'a unique unlimited underwater vista'
• Tianjin, China, says cities are not sinking at all; it's just Western propaganda. The Tianjin Planning Department issued this statement from the first few floors of its building, where they're training octopi to type. They figure they can get more out of them with eight arms.
• As for Karachi, Pakistan, they're very upset because they get no press. No one can find it on a map

Everyone's up in arms after Elon Musk offered to buy Twitter for an absolutely obscene amount of money (half the US budget overage). Elon is concerned about free speech on the platform. Twitter has gone down the shitter in terms of free speech, along with all the major social media platforms. It's funny and ironic to watch Twitterites all of the sudden abandoning their beliefs on freedom of speech and endorsing monitoring.

Assuming Musk is taking this literally, it would be great to have actual free speech on this platform, as you can currently get banned for an incredible number of infractions, including posting old actual news from an 'official' source. Social media has a narrative and you had better abide by it if you want to play.

*As a private company, there is no guarantee of free speech, regardless of ownership. The First Amendment guarantees that the government shall make no laws; it doesn't cover private businesses. Your place of business is free to say you can't use the word 'semprini' during business hours.

The rush to regulate social media is obscene and should be resisted at all costs, even if you agree. Further on down the road, it will be you that gets your speech regulated. 

• Zero Calorie Treat: if you mix Cocoa Krispies with Cocoa Pebbles, a quantum reaction occurs and the cereals disappear.

Working at an Amazon Warehouse Got Even More Dangerous in 2021

After an intensive review, Jeff Bezos, Amazon Owner, Top 3 richest people on Earth, man who sent Kirk into space, ordered the following discontinued, effective immediately:

1. Throw the Packages at the Spinning Blades
2. Knife Your Neighbor
3. Parking Lot Whack-A-Mole
4. Cafeteria Stab Yourself in the Eye with Fork
5. you no longer have to Hit Fingers with Hammer if you're written up. It has been changed to 'if you're written up more than once,' for your safety.

Mr. Bezos hopes this will make the Amazon warehouses a safer place to work, or at very least, get off the public stats for unsafe warehouses.

NOTE to the dog out back: stop doing your impression of my dog. This causes me to run to the door to let her in, even when she's already in. It also gets my dog in trouble with the neighbors because they think it's her barking. Ha ha very funny.

She was soooooo ugly.....

HOW UGLY WAS SHE?

She was so ugly, when she said she wanted to be tied up for sex; I tied her up and ran.

Shouting at Basements - or - Forced Vacation, Day 3

 Whoo... another rough day.

At least I'm trying. I put incredible amounts of energy into getting up by noon.  Well, I didn't exactly set an alarm or anything, but I somehow found myself not entirely asleep at 11:30 and poured everything I had into being awake and physically at least close to extracting myself from the bed. feel the burn

Today was the day I was to finally leave the house. I've surpassed my old record of 7 weeks, attempting to go somewhere on weekends and failing beyond miserably. We were both in that 'going' mode and she asked me where I wanted to go. Then she laughed, scorchingly, at my idea, telling me there would be a real mess at the stores and traffic all over the place. One of the things I really hate is traffic - I will stay home before I sit in it. So stay home we did.

Over seven weeks. At this point, it's personal.

After the first few naps, I could hear my stomach jamming along with a song I didn't recognize. Ah, I should probably eat breakfast before five. Yes, I have been eating a good breakfast for years, so off I went, to find the Ben&Jerry's Caramel Sutra. There is simply nothing like the taste of a great ice cream, plus the naughtiness of being an adult and eating it for breakfast (at 5).  

Wife mentioned one of our favorite restaurants should be triangulated on our outing, so I am seriously missing that place. It's another place we can eat like adults: the frozen strawberry daiquiris with sugar on the rim (I drink like a girl) are a tremendous warmup for the hot brownie with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce. It turns out they have entrees too.

SINCE I am not allowed to go out, I am ignoring the trashcans that must be moved back to the house. Well, not ignoring, but since I'm not allowed to go out, I'm not allowed to go out and get the cans. My area spent a lot of money ordering special garbage trucks. They made sure they got the special metal that RANG when something was put into them. Garbage trucks, unlike Hess trucks, are about the loudest thing that rolls through the neighborhood. The city wanted to make absolutely certain that no one would miss them, especially those sleeping in because they're on forced vacation. It took years of research to find the loudest metal, the loudest doors, the loudest lifting mechanism, and hiring the loudest crew. The latest trucks are electric, but were out of the running because they didn't make any noise, like the HUGE diesel engines. In fact, the stock trucks had gasoline engines, but we upgraded to diesel because they made that much more noise. In the old days, the trash guys had to bang two garbage can lids together, to add to the cacophony. Today they can just bang on the truck, which, as you remember, is made of space-age LOUD metal. A diesel motor was added for when the truck compacts the garbage, in case all the other upgrades failed to wake the masses. A state of the art p.a. system was added, to broadcast the most noxious noise possible, usually the Top Ten Hits on the radio. We are lucky - we're at the beginning of their route, so the trucks start around five minutes before the alarm goes off. I can make an educated guess that this is one symptom of the reason for our ridiculous taxes.

• Congresswoman Mary Gay Scanlon was the victim of an armed carjacking near FDR Park in Philadelphia.
• Another questionable form of participative democracy

Philadelphia officials announced the return of the New Years Day Mummer's parade.

Mummers must show proof of triple vaccination, have their temperature taken rectally, and be quadruple masked (especially the horn players). The CDC and Lord Fauci never mandated rectal temperature taking, but Philly always likes to give it to you up the butt.

• My brother asked me how vacation was coming. I told him. "Just like normal, but more of it."

When men buy a house or get to a certain age, they have 'my chair.' It can be anything at all their butts will fit on, but it's hallowed ground. If there are children, they are told from infancy, "Don't sit on Dad's Chair." They go through life afraid to sit on chairs; most can only sit on couches, if at all.

Normal Stuff doesn't usually happen to me, but somehow I wound up with a chair. It reclines. At first I didn't want to feel that important or old, but eventually I adopted it. Wife won't sit on it, but sometimes I have to remove Dog, whose favorite spots are where my butt was last located. I get the feeling My Chair wasn't well-made, especially because I put it together. Also because it should have cost more than a new couch, which I've wanted for over twenty years. This week I noticed the fabric on the seat is starting to rip from the rear. Since there's no actual pillow there, I'm thinking the chair will shortly be used to bang, loudly, against a trash truck. I could go Full White Trash and duct tape it, but I never inherited the White Trash Gene, nor can I get out to buy duct tape. As such, it will have to go. Which leaves me the Life Sucking Couch, where I used to sit. Five minutes in that seat and you're ready for sleep, even if you just consumed a pot of coffee after getting out of bed.

Wife says we need a new chair. Technically she's correct, but I don't want to see what she'll come home with. The current chair matches Penny, but how she knew we were getting a red dog years before we got a red dog, I'll never know. And it would make my head hurt to think about it. I've never purchased expensive furniture, but I'm guessing it doesn't require assembly. My Chair arrived in a small cardboard box, with sub-Ikea directions. Does good furniture arrive in a small cardboard box that you sprinkle water on and it grows to full size? With leather? Oh, I've just been advised that good furniture arrives by truck and actual men bring it into the house.

So this leaves disposal. My area has gotten trash wise, and charges a fee(!) for large items. A tv is $50. No idea what a chair is or if you get a discount for more than one. It doesn't seem right to me, so here's my plan: put it on the curb, set fire to it, and have the firemen put it out. Firemen take stuff away, right?

Oh.

• Amazon workers have walked out in protest to demand better treatment and higher wages during the holiday rush.
• Jeff Bezos, personal friend of God, told them to get back to their stations, or to expect a 'Kentucky-like weather event' at their factory.

The Ionosphere is Full of Trees Today

 Your love is like  an epidemic of STDs

After the Meghan and Harry interview, everybody is coming out of the closet to say how much they understand Meghan's plight. I want to say that I understand Meghan's plight, being Martian-American. I don't understand Harry at all, but that's not such a big problem: he does what he's told.

She said something about running for office. This could be a brilliant effort on the part of Politics. People will be so busy looking at her, she can say any old thing she wants. They'll never hear it. Let's face it: you listen to everything Nancy Pelosi says.

Today I identify as  a particularly efficient 900MHz yagi antenna that I constructed, right before I found out my area just went to 700MHz

• Tinder will soon allow you to do background checks
• although why would you want to do a background check on a stranger you're about to have sex with? 

David Brewis: Tracking Down Jimi Hendrix's Wayward Gear

How I discovered Jimi Hendrix's psychedelic Flying V

some fascinating articles on finding and verifying some of Jimi's gear.

[sigh] some day....

I haven't gone to onlyfans.com but am reading an interesting article. Apparently their terms of service fluctuate often, with the latest casualty being outdoor sex. An outdoor sex performer got a Taken Down notice out of the blue. They suspect it's the payment processors, who don't like the boom boom business. This is going to wind up hurting onlyfans and the performers, as well as affecting the entire industry.

My stance remains the same: private businesses should be allowed to do what they want, without (government) interference. While payment processor interference is perfectly legal, their prudish attitudes are hurting the entire industry. Interestingly enough, you can perform a lot more sex-related activities than 'hateful speech', which will get you banned, period (see: Gab). It must be difficult to operate any business when the Terms of Service keep changing.

Betcha didn't know you were sleeping on the couch tonight..

HIM: you've been really naughty

HER: what do I get for it?

HIM: naughty girls get a spanking

HER: ooooh.. I hope it doesn't hurt

HIM: It shouldn't, with all that padding...

• The Google Nest hub now knows how well you slept.
• And you keep paying Google for the privilege.... 

Russia and China say anyone will be able to use their south pole Moon base for 'peaceful' science and exploration

• Except for America and those warhawks in Canada.
• They promise to cooperate and share all tools. Except the hacking tools - bring your own.
• The Moon's south pole has 180 consecutive days of sunlight. Philadelphia and London are thinking of relocating- they have less than 80.
• Rules: don't f- with the aliens on the dark side, no requests for Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon - we've heard this 1,000 times already and the station isn't even built yet
• Saturday nights we play "count the 'communication' satellites in orbit around Earth. Pretend to get targeting vectors."

Apple has done something decent with iOS: required privacy transparency. All software must tell you about data it collects. The Google example will make your head explode

I was feeling a bit under the weather, because who feels over the weather, and decided to sit and rest a bit (that's 'set a spell' for our southern readers). I never fail to mention how smart, courageous, and sweet Mrs. lefty is. Sometimes I forget to mention that no one had better mess with her, if they enjoy living. Their body will never be found. Then there's one level down: don't piss her off. I'm not sure what I did to piss her off, but as I sat down, I noticed TMZ on. "TMZ - gays making fun of straights since 2008."  

Well, she put it on and she was there first. I tried for a UN Humanity Exemption, but no dice. It's against the Geneva Convention. It's absolutely the worst example of what humanity has become. How can a show have less than zero content? You found it.

Being the definition of ADHD, she got up to smoke or do something. No matter how many times I've begged and pleaded, she will not turn off the tv or mute it when she leaves the room. I'm married - I've done some serious begging and pleading. The compromise we reached is that when she leaves the room, I mute the tv. Oddy, me having to do what I asked her to do does not show up as 'compromise' in any dictionaries, online or offline.

Thus far, I'm feeling unwell and sit down for a rest. She's watching the worst show ever put on tv, then gets up and leaves. She has hidden/lost the remote. Is this passive aggressive or just downright evil? I cant imagine what on earth I've done to displease her. I buy her flowers and cook regularly. I mow all winter. I totally respect her No-Dating Policy, and mention it to any female who is in any way slightly attractive (just in case).

Yet there I sat, not feeling too good, with TMZ on tv, muted. This is the 2nd best way to watch it, the 1st being with the tv off. "Why didn't you just turn the effing tv off, you whiny bastard," you ask. Because the replacement remote control does not turn the tv on or off and I cannot bear the 15' trip across the room to turn it off. So I (don't) watch a lot of tv with it muted.

Unfortunately, my head turns in the direction of motion or blinky lights, so it keeps turning to the muted tv, when I remind myself I'm not watching that garbage. Eyes on sofa, then POOF - back on the tv. This is especially annoying during sports, which I don't like at all. It's also the reason I never eat in sports-themed places, unless the tv's are broken.

I think I got a passive-aggressive break when She Who Must Be Obeyed went off to take a nap. Mind you, without muting or turning off the tv. Maybe some day I'll find out what I stand accused of, even if it has to be used against me in a court of law.

Because she watches a lot of tv, so do I. I'm a heavy passive tv watcher. Think about this for a second... passive tv watcher. The main thing I've noticed is that the Flying AIDS has absolutely ruined what was left of tv. 

• There are newscasts where each member of the news team is broadcasting from their den (or the only place where there aren't rude items on the walls and shelves). Hey Bob- you might want to move your dildo collection down a shelf, or even to another room. We're getting a lot of emails about it. No, wait, never mind - they want to know where you got them.
• Game shows. It's great to say you've changed things up so you can still go on the air, but...  the 'audience' consists of 6 people, where there were 125, because they're all socially distanced. You can't jump up and down and molest the host, even if you have a mask. Some of the contestants are playing from home, usually over bad connections, in small, dirty little rooms, with their little ankle-biters running in and out, plus the cat barking.
• Judge shows. Flying AIDS or not, why are there so many judge shows? There may be a small audience, in their little welder's masks, but the plaintiff and defendant are, you guessed it, virtual. The effect is incredibly cheesy. Moreso. Audience or not, some of these judges should be put back in their cages and never let on tv again. They're obviously not socialized well enough to be near people.
• Any show that keeps cutting back to a person to explain things has to go regardless of pandemic. No one needs to know how you feel. No one needs to know how smart you are or what you did. Just shut up and let us figure it out by ourselves, unless it's a particularly good practical joke that requires a setup.
• Sports are kinda like game shows, in many ways, but they set a horrible example for the youth. No social distancing or masks on the field at all. What are children supposed to think? The audience consists of about 6 people in the entire stadium, with banners covering the rest of the seats, so the poor advertisers have somewhere else to see their names. They pipe in cheers and applause. In Philly, they pipe in boos, screaming about the cost of a beer, and have special machines to throw things at the players. They have pictures of bags full of money so the players will keep moving.

But if you make me miss my one show (9-1-1), I'll shiv you in the back.

• How a metal with a memory will shape our future on Mars
• one of the items recovered from Roswell and others is a metal that you can bend and it will return to shape.
• is this the same metal? I dunno. Interesting, though.

Speaking of Asian Americans, we're seeing a wave of attacks against them, in retaliation for the Flying AIDS. WTF is wrong with these people? Are these the TMZ audiences? We get a nasty virus from China, so these people verbally or physically assault Asians. Koreans! Even with my public school education, I know that Korea ain't in China. These Bubbas need to finish 3rd grade.

The best line was, after a horrible string of massage parlor shootings, the Atlanta chief of police said, "It appears they may be Asian." Obviously because the all black massage parlors were closed that day. As were the Caucasian cleaners. The Indian dentists had better watch out too, in case the assailants mistake them for Asian. The real brain-buster would be if they got mad at England... who would they shoot? Maybe themselves....

There is a reason other countries laugh at us. This is the one I agree with.

• IBM's CEO and outgoing exec chairman take home $38m for 2020 despite revenue shrinking by billions
• why is this any of our business? they obviously signed for it. the only function of this headline is to inflame.

Age Crisis 

We all know the stereotype of a man with a middle age crisis... motorcycles, skydiving, affairs with younger women, fast cars, Yahtzee. If you stand back and look at it, you realize it's not just middle age. We (and society)  have somehow imposed crises upon ourselves. It's not like anyone said, "lefty hit middle age - he really should be screwing around with much younger women," because if they did, Mrs. lefty would see to it nobody found their bones.

We could absolutely continue living our lives without crises. Until we figure it out, here are the expected crises for certain ages:

• 30s: time to grow up, leave your wild drinking days of youth behind. Celebrate with wild drinking.
• 40s: middle age. Wild drinking, set up a much younger mistress in an apartment, date a few others, sleep late, wear your wife out (with repeated requests for boom boom), finding out you can't drive formula 1 cars, finding out you can't drive a Volkswagen, finding out you can't drive the mistress
• 50s: propositioning every neighbor up and down the block, propositioning barmaids as you find out you really shouldn't (and can't) wild drink, discovering the meaning of little blue pill, discovering what happens when you forget the little blue pill, discovering what happens when you take the little blue pill and have nothing to do and nowhere to go and no available targets, 
• 60s: huh? Weren't you supposed to retire soon - that's a real worry. Unfortunately you have to work til the next crisis before you can retire. Wild drinking now consists of 2 beers or 1 cooler. Women you'd like to chase, if you could get out of Your Chair, would laugh hysterically at you. Younger women cross the street when they see you coming because you're a Dirty Old Man. You discover your dirty reputation may have something to do with your junk hanging out of your shorts. You want boom boom but your wife says she doesn't do that anymore. Meanwhile, your parents are in the old folks community, getting STDs, because they're boinking anything in sight. Why can't you remember that word... you know... car keys? Sometimes you take the little blue pill to watch what happens - maybe give yourself something to do for the rest of the day. You call your grandchildren, only to discover you don't have any grandchildren. Meh - your dog listens to you. Sometimes.
• 70s: 70 is the new 50, say people who are 70. It's getting easier and easier to forget things. sometimes requiring no effort at all. You develop your own distinct shuffle. Your hobby is going to doctors' offices. A grand day is getting a procedure done. You wear your magnifiers on top of your regular glasses and you can't find either because you're wearing them. The news is on at 4 - dinner time. You finally got the discount at restaurants. You remember really enjoying boom boom. You start doing weird things in public, like picking up food and slamming it down on the table in restaurants. You call your wife Mother. Your liver enzymes prevent wild drinking, so you reduce it to weekends. Online pr0n is a memory and you don't have many of them these days. Trying to decide between Don't Tell Mommy We're Doing Her Boyfriend and Black Ass Suffocation is insurmountable, so you take a nap. If you could compete, you'd be a World Napping Champion.

.

Captivity - Day 86 The Mosquitos Ate My Tree

They tell me it was nice outside.
Unfortunately I only had one nap. It ran from noon to 8:28.
Going to see if I can get one more in before bed.


As a result of all the protesting, I'm only watching porn with a positive message.


My BFF had some odd tremors. He went to the doctor and got some medicine for it. They told him to take the pill carefully because it could cause sleepiness. He slept the entire day. Then he slept most of the day. In fact, he slept most of the week. He went back to the doc, complaining that the pill put him to sleep. Doc said it worked perfectly: he was not bothered by tremors the entire week.



Pro Tip: If you're going to have sex at work, don't use the room with the only color laser printer. I had no idea so many people print in color. errr... what I meant was I had to print in color and......




One of the Big Things we will all ponder and face, is 'what's it all about?' Why am I here? What am I supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to leave a legacy or get out so quietly that no one notices?

While I'm meandering all over the place, I found the results of a study that said volunteering may add years to your lifespan and improves overall well-being.

I have none of the answers, but I suspect volunteering belongs in there somewhere. It comes under 'Do Good.' This doesn't directly answer the questions but it may be helpful as you continue to work on them. At very least, it's good for whoever you're volunteering for, as well as yourself. Volunteering is an all-encompassing word that covers many things. You can volunteer at a shelter, an animal shelter, zoo, children's organizations, local charities or projects... the list is endless. I kinda like 'Do Good' more. The smaller or more-personal level stuff is rewarding.

Someone suggested a Big Brother or mentoring thing. Good God, do you really want your poor child to be mentored by or spend time with a fairly 'different'  blogger who studies conspiracies, has the maturity of an adolescent, and thinks that most people on the planet are idiots? Teach the child about ufos, interesting approaches to sex, the Kennedy assassination, and how our rulers are going to ruin life for us all? How to lockdown his phone and stop using Google for anything because they're coming to get us?  Don't these organizations screen volunteers?

Ok, so maybe that's not for me.
I could give guitar lessons (if I didn't have the patience of a pregnant gnat).
Mentor in computers (provided they forsake Windows)
Teach swimming  (it would be more of a teaching to drown- I can't swim)

They say that the teacher learns from the student. They could teach me:

Social media
How to talk to girls
Behaving in public  (just a little bit)
Vegetables
A great love of current music

Perhaps I need to rethink this volunteering thing...



The doctor said to cut down on caffeine.
I was horrified.
He took one look at me and suggested, "Why don't you just spill more of it on your shirt?"