Horton Hears Voices

A Florida man was arrested after going on a multi-state crime spree, ending with him being found naked, inside a chicken coop in New York. This sounds like meth: discuss.



Dear lefty:

• If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
• The one down the block that has huge branches falling down randomly, because it's being eaten by some bug no one can identify.

We bid fond farewell to Dr. John (Mac Rebennak - 77) who passed from a heart attack. If you don't know who he is, you probably remember his hit "Right Place, Wrong Time." He was a very influential musician (piano and guitar, gruff vocals) and helped keep Louisiana on the musical map.

• Remember Ring Dings? The small round chocolate cake with white filling and chocolate covering? There's now a vanilla covering and white cake. Trust me on this, they're worth a try.
• You don't get this kind of information from normal blogs...

This week's imaginary reader participation exercise:

Moon landing: true or hoax?

• Ancient Jewish curse: may your in-laws be Joan Rivers, Rosie Perez, and Fran Drescher

My life would be even better if I never heard these words or phrases again:

• guac
• game changer
• no brainer
• imma
• easy peasy
• not tonight
• the best EVer
• your dog has cancer

Dear lefty:

• As a future Miss America, how will you make the world a better place?
• sue the Miss America pageant until they allow men
• fix everything for the children
• remove the stigma from having facial hair and wearing ball gowns
• eliminate abortion after birth
• legalize drugs - mandate them if necessary
• put an end to the scourge of doorbell-licking
• tube top Tuesdays!

Penny's Corner

The chemotherapy continues. Everyone is very happy with her progress and she might not need the final treatment - they're going to re-evaluate her. How does one re-evaluate chemo? Yes, the dog continues to not have cancer? Additionally, this might mean not having to take a third mortgage on the house.

The chemo has been no help whatsoever with her licking my pants and sofa cushions. Mrs lefty doesn't even lick my pants, why should the dog?

Penny loves spending time in her yard. Currently she's installing some large holes in the lawn. She's much more excited about installing holes than I am, but then again, everybody is more excited than I am.

• In a controversial decision, the BBC has decided to stop airing news. They discovered that some people were sad and others triggered by events in the news and the BBC apologises for any offence it might have caused. Instead, there will be a constant display of puppies, kitties, and shrubbery.

I've been to a total of two car shows, so I'm what you'd call very experienced and opinionated. Actually I'm opinionated to begin with, hence this blog. Also hence the way people remember they had something to do when I show up. 

I like car shows, but have no idea why. The cars are nice, many of which were made before my mother ever had the idea she could make babies. Some before my mother ever had the idea she existed. 

Strangely, I have only one complaint: next to the 58 Chevys there are always the 2012 Camaros, with more chrome than a dealer's lot of new cars. The engines inevitable have dual quad carburetors and that blower thingie that requires cutting a hole in the hood. How do you drive with that monstrosity blocking your view? Apparently you don't.  It turns out the size of the owner's penis is inversely proportional to the height of the engine (or so I hear). In any case, I don't want to see these things (or their penises) - the older cars are more fun to look at. 

At one point I saw something I've never seen before. It was ancient. It had wooden tire spokes. The windshield was a round piece of glass, attached to the steering wheel column. There were no doors. Turned out to be a Ford Model T! It won the award for the oldest car I've ever seen. The old folks who came with it looked like they worked on the assembly line. The sponsor has an ambulance standing by, in case any of the entries died. There's a contingency plan to get the bodies out of there without anybody noticing. They do this by disguising the ambulance as the car from Ghostbusters, so it passes unnoticed.

We remembered that the cars of our youth were not stock if there was a huge engine that came through the hood. Some cars were jokes and junk when they originally came out but now they're old and vintage, like my guitars (and me, sometimes). The restorers truly did a great job, down to the seats and covering. Seeing the late 50s cars made me wistful for the guitars made those years (no, I was not around then). If I can find a late 50s lefty, it's somewhat expensive, in the way houses are expensive. Many of the transmissions on the cars are lacking PRNDLs - instead they have numbers like 1 2 3 4. I don't like that kind. Real men are secure enough to have their gears shifted for them. 

Be skeptical when you see people in high places speak against Fake News. They try to make it sound ridiculous, like newscasters talking about people seeing UFOs. It is a fact that the CIA infiltrated newsrooms, like the one with Walter Cronkite, and planted stories as an experiment. They even had people on the payroll. From very early, there was a gentlemen's agreement not to print certain 'interesting' behaviors of presidents (JFK for one). So fake news isn't a recent phenomenon. There are YouTube videos with snippets of newscasters all speaking from a script - all using the same words. 

The news now just pushes agendas. You will see certain themes, among them inflammatory stories of people doing damage with guns. You will not see stories about someone with a gun saving others. You will see the talking heads laugh off UFOs. You will see a great emphasis on sports and social media input. Local news is somewhat less biased but generally fluff and downright stupid. If you want news from an alternate viewpoint, you can tune in news from a different country, but they're also pushing an agenda - it's just harder to see. 

Some news networks have been caught making things up and staging national news, but they're local and on a set, trying to look like they're on scene. Most news networks are against the president, except Fox. This says people up the food chain are scared. Of course Fox just waves the flag, so they're not much better.

Don't laugh off claims of Fake News. Trump did not invent the claim - he's just the first to verbalize it. You've been consuming it forever.

I am gross and perverted

I'm obsessed 'n deranged

I have existed for years

But very little has changed

I'm the tool of the Government

And industry too

For I am destined to rule

And regulate you

I may be vile and pernicious

But you can't look away

I make you think I'm delicious

With the stuff that I say

I'm the best you can get

Have you guessed me yet?

I'm the slime oozin' out

From your TV set

You will obey me while I lead you

And eat the garbage that I feed you

Until the day that we don't need you

Don't go for help . . . no one will heed you

Your mind is totally controlled

It has been stuffed into my mold

And you will do as you are told

Until the rights to you are sold

That's right, folks . . .Don't touch that dial

Well, I am the slime from your video

Oozin' along on your livin' room floor

I am the slime from your video

Can't stop the slime, people, lookit me go

I Am the Slime - Frank Zappa

Why Are There Lemon Bars?

When you first come upon ThermionicEmissions, after the shock and horror has worn off, please check out the Pages, found right above this text. Recent additions are the timeline for Hillarygate and Windows 10 cautions.


In a recent survey, 88% of adults said that they have sexted with someone -- 82% in the last year. So prove the psychologists right and get busy with those phones. Sext someone today. Your SO, your mistress, your relatives, random strangers...

• A Microsoft study finds technology hurting attention spans. Walrus!

Here's a Sad and Funny: Imagine if everything were priced like cable service.

• The Army wants you to watch more tv! No, really... the freedom of our nation depends on it. Read about how the crap that passes for entertainment fits in with the Army's plan... specifically mentioned was Americans Idle.... I told you so.

On the one year anniversary of the Ferguson riots, fifty people looted a beauty store, after an otherwise peaceful day. The residents are apparently upset because the police are infringing on their right to riot.

• Who woulda seen this one coming? London's gay establishments are closing due to tolerance. It's almost no fun being gay anymore.

China has been reading the emails of many top US officials. Not their secure government emails... their Gmail and other provider emails. Why are government officials using Gmail? Why did Hillary have her own server for official government businesss?

• Bob Guccione Jr has declared that today's music is no good. Stars are more interested in their social media strategy than their music.  Are you serious Bob?  Did you just come to this momentous conclusion?

Ready for the Internet of Things (IOT)? Already there's a drone that can map and hack it. Watch out what you're plugging in at your home.

• Greece has reached a deal for third bailout. What could possibly go wrong?

Hillary Clinton says all work-related emails from her private server were provided. She went on to emphasize that Bill did not have sex with that woman.

• The EPA has apologized for saying that it was cleaning up abandoned mines in Colorado. What they meant to say was that it dumped a million gallons of toxic chemicals in to the Animas River in Colorado, causing the water to turn a bright yellow.. In other news, the EPA has apologized for saying that a million gallons of toxic chemicals have been dumped into the Animas River in Colorado. What they meant to say was three million gallons of toxic chemicals have been dumped into the Animas River in Colorado. Fox reporter Megyn Kelly has blamed the spill on Donald Trump. UPDATE: the EPA says it was 'very careful' (when spilling three million gallons of toxic chemicals into the Animas River in Colorado).

In North Carolina, a man in a clown costume swung an axe at a woman. The woman was not hurt, recognized the man and swore out an arrest warrant. What has this country come to when a man can't dress as a clown and swing an axe at a woman? Isn't this why Ben Franklin fought the Germans? 

• President Obama issued an executive order calling for a massive boost in the power of supercomputers. The president also called for repeal of gravity and quantum adult novelties.

In a banner day for politics, California Governor Jerry Brown (ex-Linda Ronstadt) signed a law banning the word alien from the state's labor laws. Also banned were the words elephant, dingleberries and sanity.

• Astronauts declare the first space-grown salad awesome. California Governor Jerry Brown immediately signed a law banning space lettuce from the state, saying it disenfranchised undocumented lettuce-pickers.

Three people were hurt when pranksters entered a theater in Newport Beach, brandishing a leaf blower. A common thread in these attacks is theaters. California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a law banning theaters from the state. The governor refused to comment on leaf blower legislation at this point.

• Meghan Trainor (All About that Bass) has cancelled the rest of her tour due to 'ongoing problems with her vocal cords'. In other words, even Meghan realized there is nothing there.

Why yes, there is a machine that turns poo into water. Watch our presidential race flow (further) down the drain!

• Think you live in a funny place? Try Licking, Ohio.

Padi the labrador's fate is in the hands of a judge. He is accused of biting a 4 year old child. The child chased the dog and threw things at him. The only fair solution is to put the child down.

• Marijuana farms have been engulfed by the fires in California, releasing smoke in the area (causing a marked increase in the number of flights over the farms).

A woman used her Fitbit (heartbeat measuring device) during sex and posted the results online. The Fitbit “started after foreplay, so the preceding 20 minutes are untracked,” (she bragged).

DR WHO?

I'm going to take a left hand turn, being a left-handed kinda guy. Most of the musical treats here will be guitar players. Today is a rare piano player, although he does technically play guitar (rarely). I give you Mac Rebbenack, aka Dr. John. Dr. John has been around forever and is a fixture everywhere, no less in his Louisiana neighborhood. I saw him open for Little Feat, which was my pleasure.

One of my favorite Dr. John tunes is Iko Iko. This song tells the story of the collision of two tribes of Mardi Gras Indians. The words are flat out impossible to understand or write out, without visual aids and copious amounts of New Orleans Hurricanes (the drink that's just to the right of the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster). 

Iko. Iko. Iko Iko unday. 

Jockamo feeno ah na nay

Jockamo fee nah nay.

I strongly suspect it means I've fallen and I can't get up.  Another translation is Respected gentleman, your mother is a garbage truck.

The next tune came up on my player's rotation. In a Sentimental Mood caught me completely by surprise. Completely free of guitars, I was not prepared to like this song so much but it leaped out and hit me over the head, gently.  Lastly, you know this song. If you don't, you're either ten years old (and shouldn't be reading this blog) or you missed it while you were at the Miley Cyrus concert. I used to sing this song with my not-so-talented cover band. Listen to the tasty guitar solo... (I had to get one in there).