Watch Out for Flying Enemas

 Your love is like  reading too much of this blog

I have a smart nephew.

My smart nephew is also funny.

The teacher announced they would be playing German dodgeball.

My smart nephew asks if this means they only kick the ball at the Jewish kids.

He sat the entire game out.

Smart kid.

He's back to school physically, five days a week. He told me they had to attach things to each other in the bathrooms because people were stealing toilet paper holders and urinals. Apparently this is a TikTok thing.

In my day, we didn't bother stealing urinals. We lit explosives and flushed them down the loo. What's wrong with kids today?

Today I identify as  a nipple clamp. the left one.

CDC director Dr. Rochelle Walensky decides to overrule her own agency’s advisory panel and recommend boosters for workers who interact with the public a lot, calling into question the administration’s simplistic and often inaccurate slogan, “follow the science”

• 'The Wire' star Michael K. Williams overdosed on cocaine, heroin, fentanyl accidentally: ME
• That's an awful lot of drugs to accidentally overdose on 
• dammit.. did I take too much fentanyl with my cocaine and heroin?

Arm the Homeless

A homeless man went into Shake Shack in Canoga Park, CA, got loud, and was asked to leave.

He returned and opened fire on the store.

Fortunately no one was hurt, although the shakes had a metallic taste for a few hours.

• An elderly Michigan man is accused of trying to bomb phone stores to stop the spread of porn.
• He was from "The Coalition for Moral Telecommunication" 
• The only question is whose morals
• Next week he will be trying to bomb hairdressers to stop wars

News from Occupied Australia

Australia Police Goes Door to Door: "Are You Aware Of Any Planned Protests Or Events Coming Up?"

• Over here we put food on a plate, we do not plate food

Check out "Nona and the Carefully-Placed Listening Devices" - a great lesbian spy noir romance, taking place in beautiful downtown Detroit. "Detroit sure has changed," Nona thinks to herself.

Nona's love interest is Stevie. Stevie looks around and says to herself, "Detroit sure has changed."

They meet at Van Dyke's, a popular bar for spy noir romances. They're both dressed in suits and ties, causing some concern, because the dress code says only one tie per couple. It is decided only Nona will wear the tie. To meet in the middle, she puts on Stevie's tie too. Nona mentions she's a spy, and Stevie says no way - she definitely looks more like a grass mechanic and part time yield sign. They commiserate over the face that no one yields anymore..

"Well, grass mechanic is my cover for spying," intones Nona.

"Who are you spying on, and for?" asks Stevie.

"If I told you, I'd have to...."

"Kill me?"

"No, shave your body hair."

"Shall we leave?" asks Stevie, face flushed.

In their hotel room, the tv is playing a commercial... Ladies... is your nipple hair so long you can braid it? Try new Nip-Ex! Spread it on, the hair's gone. Bring a friend. Have Nip-Ex parties. Try it on your husband!

Stevie asks if Nona has noticed the general decline in the level of advertising these days.

"It started when Bruce Jenner died," said Nona.

"Bruce Jenner never died. He just changed sexes."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. He went from the cereal box straight into the operating room. They even shaved his adams apple down. But strictly between us, he doesn't make a very fetching chick. I hear they modeled his vagina on Oprah's."

"Let me see if I have this correct: Bruce jumped the fence instead of the hurdle. The Kardashians only date black men, and Bruce's vagina is black."

"This is why you're such a great spy. You pick things right up and you know the color of a vagina. Would Bruce date black men too?"

"I like black women but not black vaginas. You?"

"I've never seen a woman with a different colored vagina."

"You need to get out more."

Stay tuned for part 2 of  "Nona and the Carefully-Placed Listening Devices" on this here blog, As the Stomach Turns.

• Paralympic swimmer Nadine Grossman died yesterday when she fell into a pool

Your tax dollars at work 

After 47 years, the Tennessee Valley Authority will give up its construction permit for its unfinished nuclear plant.

Refund checks to the taxpayers will be issued next week.

Heh heh heh. Refund checks.

We know I'm the Anti-Sports. We know it was fascinating and enraging when I discovered projected/artificial lines over hockey and football fields. What would we like to see?

• tiny pictures of Princess Meghan naked
• long urls to pictures of Princess Meghan naked
• minute-by-minute earnings of team owners
• biggest secret of each team (pictures of the front 4 in women's clothing)
• who has the Flying AIDS and is still playing
• whose wife is about to catch him and with what
• fake nudes of Princess Meghan

With a few minor modifications, maybe sports will be tolerable after all...

Nah.

Wouldn't it be cool if you could remove your head? Like a hat... just take it off.

Think of the hijinks!

• scare the bejesus out of most people who see you  (except morticians)
• give new meaning to 'getting some head'
• become a ventriloquist without practicing
• constantly repeat "I'd lose my head if it weren't attached to me... oh."
• make sex really kinky
• have fun riding horses
• prove you're not talking out your ass and it's impossible to put you head up your ass
• finally be able to perform oral sex on yourself   (don't tell me you never thought about it)

Happy birthday Moon Unit Zappa

gag me with a spoon

• One of my delightful coworkers told me if I hated Windows 10, wait til I saw Windows 11
• I feel all warm and tingly now 

I just sat next to my silent phone in the office for 8 hours.

I got up to get a Coke and when I came back, I had missed a call.

This is why I don't get invited to parties.

According to new stats from Public Health Wales:

-99% of people who tested positive for Covid in the past week were under 60 years old

-63% were vaccinated

-87% of COVID hospitalizations were vaccinated.

Interesting numbers.

• Karen Croake Heisler: 67 year old forner Notre Dame professor says "damn the unvaccinated," dead 12 days after third Pfizer mRNA injection

President Taxit has included in his infrastructure bill, fines and enforcement for vaccine mandates. Think about that for a a minute...

Know what's creepy?

Going into your browser and it saying "Hi lefty" up top.

Why did that happen?

Because it's MS Edge, yet another differently-abled MS browser. It's shoehorned in so tightly with Windows that it knows your login and greets you. NOTE: Firefox does not greet you.

MS software is getting worse and worse this way. Between Sharepoint, Office, and Teams, everything's aware of what you're doing and almost anyone can look at the history of what you've done with the software. NOTE: this can also be controlled by system administrators, but it's there

I'm not sure how many degrees of Public Separation this is, but Dog the Bounty Hunter has entered the manhunt for Brian Laundrie, boyfriend of the late Gabby Petito. Hopefully Doggie has his shoe lifts all tuned up. No, wait, that's not fair. Hopefully he has his mullet tuned up. No, that's not fair either. Hopefully he has the camera crew in great shape.  Regardless, Dog -  Do the Laundrie.

I live in a 7 ring circus. The number of rings runs from 5-7, unless it's a particularly weird day.

I do not want my circus taken away.... I'd just like the rings taken down to 3 most days. If the circus went away, I'd have to create my own mayhem, and we wouldn't want that.

[on phone to me] I didn't realize it was so late

and we're tragically down to 37 clocks 

• There are 3 lanes for takeout at the Chik Filet
• the car in front of me turned into a submarine
• a 17 car pileup because someone's car figured out how to fly and everybody looked up
• an intersection closed down because there was a car with flashing lights on (before the Tesla hit it)
• the dog drank my milkshake
• traffic isn't moving because somebody got out of the car to walk their alpaca
• my straw broke in the car and I couldn't drink anything

And this is normal for "I just have to run an errand"

[Judge]  I understand you do charitable work

[defendant] Yes, I work with poor children

[Judge]  What do you do?

[defendant]  I take them around and show them other parts of the city. Parts they'll never be able to afford.

[Judge]  GUILTY!

Butt Plugs of the Rich and Famous

 Your love is like  intestines hanging out an inconvenient hole in your stomach

This week's best headline: Young Scandinavians Are Sticking Nicotine Pouches Up Their Asses
Also on their foreskins. 

This is so mind-bogglingly stupid that it will only take days til it hits social media and colleges will be filled with cancerous students.

Sir, we're going to have to amputate your penis.

But Doc, how will I smoke?

Sorry, Sir, you have butt cancer. You'll have to stick those pouches up your nose instead. Or maybe even in your mouth.

Today I identify as  arm hair

GODDAMMIT - best of health to a reader with the Flying AIDS

One of the biggest causes of divorce, after shootings, is lack of communication.

I'm told one of the largest communication issues is pronouns:

HER: And we went to the store with her.

HIM: Which her?

Then there's the "Why don't you know what I mean?"

HER: I went to the place with the thing. 

HIM: The thing?

HER: The thing. You know.. the thingy thing.

Then there's US. While our problems include the above, they also have a component that cannot be identified, other than to say "What I say is not what she hears."

What I say: "Good morning."

What she hears: "Why didn't you scrub the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush?"

What I say: "It would be a good idea to deal with that issue."

What she hears: "This many years of therapy and you have nothing to show for it. I don't like your family."

What I say: "I ate the last piece of the cheesecake."

What she hears: "You ate 2 cheesecakes, a couple boxes of Tastykakes, and a case of Coke. That's why you're so fat. That dress doesn't make you look fat - you make that dress look fat." 

Granted, a large part of the miscommunication deals with Catholic guilt and General Abuse. But there are some exchanges....

What I say: "215-444-9372"

What she hears: "449-444...."

What I say: "Perhaps we should cut back on our non-essential spending."

What she hears: "Here you go, spending all our money on crap. You're trying to bankrupt us and I won't be able to retire til I'm 87."

-or-

What I say: "I like the solid gold swing set in the back yard."

What she hears: "I don't like the way you treat me. And the car needs to be vacuumed."

Instacart Workers Are Asking Users to #DeleteInstacart

Make sure to aim the gun carefully at your foot.

Police Announce Huge Bust of Mafia’s Cyber Crime Operations

This is so rich in humor.

• Hey Vinnie... have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?
• Whaddaya mean unplug the router, you meatball
• I dunno how it works - ask Tony "The Encryptor" Mariani
• "Dat's a nice hospital you got there. It would be a shame if all its files got encrypted"
• Hey Louie.. we gotta take a break for a bit. Congress is getting upset that we steal almost as much as they do.

Project Veritas: HHS Whistleblower Reveals Federal Gov’t Hiding Vaccine Side Effects Data

• Second best headline:  People are worried about going back to the office because they don’t want to poo at work
• no, they're worried about not being able to take 45 minutes to poo at home, then pick up a Happy Meal
• ... after which they're back on the loo.

Meanwhile, down under in occupied Australia:  

Melbourne police fire pepper balls, pellets to break up COVID-19 protest

Australia, where the most dangerous things are not poisonous spiders and snakes - it's the government.

New Zealand Cops Arrest Men Entering Locked-Down City With ‘Large Amounts’ of Illicit KFC

How do they know it's illicit?  

The case was dropped after the police 'lost' the evidence.

Sex robots with AI to become 'super intelligent' by 2050 and see owners as 'slaves'

Of all the potential dystopian outcomes in the future, we could do worse.... I mean if we're gonna get fscked.....

Or the robots can just decide they don't want to do what they were made for, in which case its called 'marriage.'

Hey, wanna vacation in Haiti?

Go down to Texas and hang out with the migrants - you'll get a free flight!

The body found near Grand Teton National park was Gabby Petito's. It was ruled a homicide. What's left is cause of death.

People did a little amateur investigation: they noticed that the boyfriend, Brian Laundrie, had changed his Spotify playlist and they made a TikTok video with their findings.

Consider what leaving your information out where people can see it can do....(aside from marketing). 

Most ThermionicEmissions readers have not murdered anybody (send me email if you have), but no one needs to know what they're up to online, Spotify or social media. You can also be tracked by phone, even with Location off. You'd have to turn the phone off completely.

• We bought some memory supplement vitamins.
• We can't remember to take them.         (credit to Mees)

Taliban ask to speak at UN General Assembly in New York

They wish to discuss certain improvements they're making in Afghanistan:

• beheadings cut down to 125/day
• new opportunities for women - see above
• anybody who asks can leave the country (provided we haven't killed them yet)
• Taliban doesn't do drugs - will make a deal with CIA on poppies
• all women must grow beards

Told You So

Navigating without GPS is one thing – so let's jam it and see what happens to our warship

You had better be prepared to perform your duties without electronics. Have at least two ways of doing things. People have been known to sail without GPS, or so we hear.

US Congress ponders setting up permanent UFO investigation office

[singsong child's voice] We're being bushwacked, we're being bushwacked.

This is so wrong, plus it's going to cost us via Congressional appropriations to run the office.

I have been screaming from the rooftops that we're being diversioned. [I just made that word up]

We have been studying UFO/UAPs since at least 1941. The group is top secret compartmentalized. Any wreckage goes to Wright Patterson AFB in Ohio. Find out who runs this project and you'll have all the answers we have to the UFO/UAP phenomena. This goes way above the president.

A public group is merely hocus pocus to pull attention away from the real procedures and the real knowledge. The new group will be ignorant of 80 years of knowledge, and likely impotent or purely for show.

• Apple Is Working on iPhone Features to Help Detect Depression, Cognitive Decline
• I have a work iPhone, and it's already pretty depressing 
• I'm certain this data will be kept to the owner of the phone only. I'm sure.

After taking a recent harassment prevention course, I now understand it is not right to say these things:

• I'd definitely harass her
• you mean this isn't a how-to?
• c'mon, baby.. it's only harassment if it's unwanted
• wanna fsck?
• I know my penis well - would you like to?
• Would it make you feel better if I massaged your breasts?

Wife is starting to get agitated because of my frequent and intensive napping.

I don't pick on her bobbies - why should she pick on mine?

I truly appreciate my wife, though.

I found out, after we got married, all the many things I wouldn't know without her...

• I liked chocolate covered grasshopper last time she bought them
• I asked her to remind me when it was time to mow 
• I told her to go shoe shopping for her birthday/labor day/Tuesday
• It's my step-uncle's 2nd wife's wedding anniversary today
• we just can't afford new guitars
• yes, it is still my turn to do the dishes
• no, I still don't have a 6 pack. I have a one pack and that's good enough for me.

Two Catholic monks from the Rhône region in southern France have been charged with setting fire to 5G phone masts amid concerns the mobile technology could pose a health risk to humans.

Hey, if it keeps them away from little boys.....

Didja ever feel there was so much wrong with the world that you started ejaculating out of your butt?

Doctors say it was an improperly placed catheter, but can you imagine what you'd be thinking....?

Gee, Doc, I know I've had nothing up there...

No, really. I'm straight.

No hamsters, no light bulbs, no power tools...

• IF you were both vaccinated, Oregon health officials say you can kiss on dates again
• Oregonians desperately await word on anal sex....

The misandrists at Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC) have approved an amendment to the game's laws to use the gender-neutral term 'batter' instead of 'batsman'.

The MCC, which is recognised as the sole authority on cricket's laws since its foundation in 1787, say the changes will take immediate effect.

They had other suggestions, you know....

• batcunt
• bat-twat
• bats-n-balls
• baby batter
• that dick

Jeff Bezos says traveling to space changed how he thinks about nature

"Mow it all down and put up Amazon warehouses" 

Coffee to the Desktop App

 Your love is like  prunes

The 2021 Emmys Were a Thoroughly Modern (Mostly-White, COVID-Unsafe) Disaster

We need a mandate that black shows win Emmys, regardless of whether they deserve it. 

In fact, I present next year's Emmy to the new Wonder Years (black version). Is it on yet? Doesn't matter.

Today I identify as   a CIS hetero furry

FDA advisers greenlight Pfizer boosters for people 65+ and at-risk groups

Went to a car show the other day.

There were a lot of cars. 

The most wonderful car we saw was a 1990 Buick Roadmaster station wagon, fully loaded, great condition. You could fit a 3rd grade class in there, with room to move your house. I told the owner "SOLD" but he refused. I'm not sure, but I think I saw a coffee maker and fridge in the back.

I prefer to see antique cars, which, in my state, is any car over 25 years. There were a whole bunch of recent Mustangs, hopped up to hell. Not impressed. It was interesting to see 1950s cars hopped up. One had an engine so bright and shiny, it was cleaner than my dining room table - you could eat off it. There was a Studebaker - ever see one? I liked the 50s and some 60s cars that were stock. American cars were the Stuff and we haven't come close since the 80s. Now everything is smaller and bumpy. There was a huge old Lincoln with suicide doors. An incredibly early El Camino.

No car show would be complete without completely irrelevant booths and activities.

They had all sorts of mobile rides, which largely involved getting into a harness and jumping. If you jumped in the right spot, it would vault you directly to the hospital.

There were political booths. Interesting to note that any political signs had the person's name, but not party affiliation. There was also a Tea Party booth... that's odd, although anything's an improvement where I live. There were cheerleaders with a booth, or so Wife tells me. I dare not look in that direction.

Out favorite truck was The Dog Bone Guy. He has all sorts of frozen fresh bones for your dog, as well as cat goodies. He always has a few Bernese Mountain Dogs with him, one laying on a fan. Penny is a huge fan of the bones. Did you know that catnip mellows dogs out?

• 2 injured after ejecting from Navy jet near Fort Worth before crash
• Look. Up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. 
• It's a plane.
• Hey Jimmy - what's that in your house?
• It's a plane.

The Endless Faceyspaces Apology

"Faceyspaces is the new cigarettes: It's addictive. It's not good for you."

• Researchers Defeated Advanced Facial Recognition Tech Using Makeup
• Yay - one for the people!
• The AI has a bad time with black people. Will makeup make the system work better?

Our local convenience chain (Wawa), which dropped their mask requirement after vaccines, has reinstated the requirement. There is no mention of social distancing.

Pennsylvanian's are serious about their baby showers

HOW SERIOUS ARE THEY?

A fight about gifts broke out at a Pennsylvania baby shower. The expectant father shot 3 guests, police say.

• Several streets in Philly were closed for the filming of an Adam Sandler movie.
• The citizens were in a near riot state, threatening to physically unseat the mayor for bringing further disgrace to the city

We went to a flea market, with a small guitar show.

It was said to be under an hour's drive.

With directions and phone in hand, we discovered it was no way near an hour.

In fact, it took two hours.

Two hours and a lot of screaming.

One thing we noticed when we got together was that we agree on most things.

We discovered the only thing we didn't really agree on was directions.

ME: I left the page up with the directions

HER: FSCK YOU. 

ME: Huh?

HER: Oh, sorry, I'll copy them down. Now that I've copied them down, can you give me the minutes between directions?

ME: FSCK YOU. 

HER: Huh?

ME: Did you miss them when you were copying the directions down?

HER: Never mind - I'll just use my phone.

This is before we've gotten in the car.

HER: This is where you want to get off. Stay to the left, stay to the left.

ME: I am staying to the left.

HER: I just wanted to make sure you stayed to the left.

ME: I heard you.

HER: I was just sayin...

ME: Well maybe you should stop sayin...

ME: Look - there's Forty Foot Road! Do you know the history?

HER: Huh?

ME: Do you know the history of Forty Foot Road?

HER: Where's that?

ME: We're passing it.

HER: Oh.

ME: It's from a time where everything was dirt, like North Philly. They managed to put together forty feet of actual road.

HER: Really?

ME: No. But you know you're out of the city when you cross Forty Foot Road.

HER: You're a dick.

ME: So what are we looking for?

HER: Route 37.

ME: and about when should we be looking for it?

HER: Soon.

ME: I see.

ME: I don't mean to aggravate things, but I still haven't seen a Route 37.

HER: I'll look it up on the map. I need cross streets.

ME: Main St. Hollows St. Route 34.

HER: Ok, what are the cross streets?

ME: Start with the three I just called out.

HER: WELL MAYBE I WASN'T READY YET.

ME: Brown St. Eviction Ave.

HER: Ok, checking... it says there's no Eviction Ave.

ME: In spite of us just passing it.

HER: Yes. Ok, look for route 36 instead. Have you seen it yet?

ME: No, because I wasn't looking for it.

HER: [hissing of air] Pull over at that gas station and ask.

ME: YOU ask.  Won't matter.

HER: And why not?

ME: It's closed.

HER: [hissing of air] WELL STOP AT ONE THAT'S OPEN. OR SOMEWHERE.

ME: It's EARLY IN THE MORNING, perhaps we should have called the stations to be open and ready for us to ask directions. Hey, is that a phone in your lap?

HER: Yes.

ME: Then WHY is it taking us forever to find simple streets? You've got more power in that thing than the Space Shuttles. They managed to make it to space and back.

HER: YOU DO IT.

ME: I'm driving, which leaves me short an appendage or two.

HER: You know it annoys the hell out of me when you breathe that way.

ME: What way?

HER: THAT way. I know you're doing it on purpose.

ME: If I had known breathing annoyed you so much, I'd have done more of it.

HER: We're looking for Hill Ave.

ME: We're ON Hill Ave. Turn the phone around. You were smart as a whip when I met you. What happened?

HER: You had hair. What happened?

ME: Was that Route 36?

HER: I dunno. I wasn't looking. TURN THE CAR AROUND!!!!

ME: Screw this. I don't want a divorce. I'm turning around and going home.

HER: No - wait ... that's the street we're looking for. The flea market is on the left! Right before it is the dairy where we're going afterwards, for fresh ice cream!

Meeting us, you'd never know.

I've often said that living with a multiple is like driving a bus full of first graders.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE POTTY!

I'M THIRSTY!

I'M HUNGRY!

All I want to do is get to the guitar show.

The first problem is that parking is about half a mile from anything. The flea market is that big.

Eventually we located all the necessary places to keep everybody quiet and happy.

The small guitar show was.... small. It was a nice place to pick up your first no-name guitar, built in a country that you can't pronounce, using child labor.

After 15 minutes' eyeballing, I was done.

And now, breakfast.

There were two food stalls. I don't know what they had, but they were identical in the humongous lines to purchase food. The voices were starting again.

The location is pretty far out into the non-city regions.

I was pretty good looking, compared to the rest of the crowd. This should alarm anyone.

The vendors were really friendly. They kept trying to talk to me. I suggested next time, I wear the invisibility cloak.

An old foreign fellow talked to Wife, completely unbidden (and completely unwanted). He said he should've gotten there the day before so he could see everything. He smelled like he had been there a few days.

There was just acres of Stuff, some inside, some outside. Every individual piece had the distinction of being completely not interesting to me. Plus my nerves were regenerating from the car battle, so I kept my mouth shut before something really bad came out of it (as opposed to generally bad). 

We finally ate. The three of us... Her, me, and the bee. The bee was incredibly interested in my sandwich. I was going to suggest she swat him away violently, but decided better of it. Then she went pale anyway... 

HER: Did I bring  my wallet?

ME: Am I supposed to answer that question?

HER: Yes, the blue one.

ME: Where did you pull money out of?

HER: That's the other wallet... the smaller one. Have you seen the bigger one?

ME: Errrrr.... no.

HER: I have to go back to the car and check.

ME: And you want to know what happened to my hair? They don't even have a shuttle going to the lot. 

HER: YAY! It was in the car. Now we can go back and shop.

ME: YOU can go back and shop. I'll just sit in the car and touch myself to this copy of Vintage Guitar. 

HER: Ok.   [disappears]

[returns]

HER: You have to pull the car up to the 32nd row.

ME: Good God, what have you bought now? A lawn tractor?

HER: No, its a tree that you can decorate.

ME: Ok, you showed it to me and explained it and all it looks like is black blinds.

HER: No, you decorate with it.

ME: I see.  So, everybody ready for ice cream?

HER: YAY!!!

We pull into the dairy. We notice there will be no trouble at all getting as much ice cream as we want. Provided we wait four hours until the place opens.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Do you know how hard it is to clean exploding cranium from car ceilings?

This was the cherry on our sundae, so to speak.

And on top of this, we still had between one and two hours of advanced arguing and screaming to get home. I picked a bad week to give up sniffing glue.

It's been four days. The only one talking to anyone is the dog.

• Today President Biden sat on the White House lawn. Nobody had the heart to tell him it wasn't a water park.

Someone said one cannot argue there is no female privilege when a female can go online and show her asshole to pay the rent. He's right, you know.

I mention this because one of the sites I visit has a banner featuring online beauties, whose cams you can visit.

I have to admit there are some real stunners.

How can I put this tactfully? I can't.

There are some real woofers too.

Mostly woofers.

I'm not talking about "I like blondes but they're not brunettes" woofers.

I'm talking about "she's so ugly I need to hit myself with an iron skillet first" woofers.

Some are merely overweight. Some are grossly overweight. Are there that many chubby chasers?

Some the plastic surgeon said he couldn't help.

Some the plastic surgeon kicked out of his office.

I wonder if there are stats on their cams. I'm not going to the site to find out.

I think what happened was their parents always called them their gorgeous little princess and they took it to heart, like when Cindy Lauper's parents told her she could sing like an angel.

In the end, I hope they're all doing well.

The Flying AIDS has crippled income for too many. Get it where you can.

• ‘Extremely troubling’: Investigation launched into border agents on horseback seen chasing migrants
• This is America, where we leap to deal with small visual issues, while we pretend the larger issues don't exist. It's not ok to allegedly whip migrants. But what are we doing about the migrant situation?
• The Department of Homeland Security, a gift from 9-11, said they were extremely upset over the situation (getting caught) and said there will be discipline (for getting caught). They will do whatever they can to avoid this situation in the future (getting caught).
• The whipping was stopped immediately (as soon as they got caught) and other forms of crowd control were used, such as making sure no one could take video of what they were doing. Also using half paper clips attached to rubber bands, sledgehammers, poison darts, anvils, and baseball bats.
• The Biden administration has promised to get on the situation immediately, by creating a diversion in another country, possibly by taxing Afghanistan.
• If all else fails, Dick Cheney will be brought in to bomb the migrants.

Amazon is rolling out driver surveillance cameras.

The drivers are up in arms. Here is an early list of observances:

1. drivers cursing the existence of Amazon
2. drivers leaving packages in the rain
3. drivers leaving expensive packages out in the open, with notes pointing to their obvious location
4. drivers trying to disable the cameras
5. boom boom breaks with unattractive retail workers (if the truck is rockin, don't come knockin)
6. cars cutting off the trucks and honking at them
7. a surprising amount of masturbation
8. more middle fingers than imaginable
9. more than one potty break per day

That's Not a Freckle, it's a Game Show

Your love is like   fuzzy blue cream corn

Wife is watching yet another disaster of a remake of a game show.

Because there is not an original idea in Hollywood. Ever.

I hear they're digging up Monty Hall and digitizing him for Let's Make a Deal VII.

The host is wearing a dress... she is female, so that's a good start. Let's just say it looks good on her from the neck to her boobs. After that it hugs her body. And after looking at it, people don't want to hug her body. Her body goes drastically wide; the dress doesn't. That's the end of my fashion knowledge. So I figure either she owns the show or they later found the producer, hanging from the rafters, with a note pinned to his body.

The game shows do auditions for contestants. You can't just show up and get on the show. Well, maybe you can with this one, I dunno. The producers are looking for Game Show Contestants. They want bubbly and outgoing. You can even dress in sweats - they don't care, so long as you're bubbly. This one guy, in his sweats, is jumping up and down, hugging the host, and telling heartwarming stories. This kind of behavior is usually reserved for women, so he's a genuine unicorn. The wife is not as bubbly, but told a heartwarming story about her husband checking all the boxes on the list that girls make for husbandly characteristics. Everybody say AHHHHHH. But if he hugs the host one more time, he'll be in divorce court, with not a penny to his name, while she gets the house.

On the other paw, they are not looking for contestants like... me.

HOST: Hi - tells us about yourself.

ME: I'm lefty.

HOST: Hi, lefty. What do you do?

ME: Sit.

HOST: Do you have a job?

ME: Yes.

HOST: What do you do?

ME: Sit. I already told you that. Are you listening to me?

HOST: Are you married?

ME: Are you with the IRS?

HOST: Not at all. Are you married?

ME: Yes.

HOST: Tell us a little about her!

ME: She's over there.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

HOST: How did you meet?

ME: She sold adult leather goods.

HOST: How long have you been together?

ME: Yeah.

HOST: You're not very descriptive, are you?

ME: Yeah. Hey Bob, after the audition I'm going to 2736 Marlock St, in Los Angeles. I hear there's a real hot piece waiting for me.

HOST: Hey - that's MY address!

ME: Locking up your wife won't help - she will still get out.

BUT WAIT.... The Wonder Years is coming back.

Of course it is.

But this time it's the black Wonder Years.

Ya know, people who insist on this stuff are hypocrites. They complain, then go off and do the same thing. We got ta get together. Don't let the race-baiters and SJWs run things.

[this space would be reserved for a parody of black Wonder Years dialog, but I never saw the show]

Today in Olympic News:  we're pretty sure they're over, so I don't have to come up with any more Olympics shit for another four years. The last event was the 100 yard broom push, performed by the Japanese Janitorial Team.

Today I identify as  male and female, and I demand to use both bathrooms, at the same time

I'm going to mess this up because I'm doing it from memory, but I read in the Wall Street Journal that an established pediatric group has made the decision that if a child says they don't feel right in their body, a course of acceptance and encouragement should be given. They are so set on this that no one is allowed to have any other opinion. If there is a conference and you wish to disagree, you are not allowed to speak or even have a table.   SHE'S A WITCH - BURN HER!

There is no debate permitted.

We, once again, fail to learn from history. Many many things were shut out by Modern Medicine and later found out to be scientifically verifiable. Depression, multiple personalities, fibromyalgia and chiropractors were all shut out with no debate permitted.

My problem with the subject is that six year olds are not capable of making their own decisions in this matter. Sometimes their parents aren't either. Hormones and puberty blockers? We've gone beyond way too far. "Hey, didja see the boobs on that seven year old?" - "Nah, they're implants."

I get a weekly email from Duckduckgo with privacy tips. You can too.

• There's no escape from Faceyspaces, even if you don't use it
• 4 things you need to do before deleting an app
• Deactivating Facebook Isn't Enough. Here's How to Permanently Delete Your Account.

Teeth Donation 

Off I went to my new dentist, to donate 3 teeth. They told me there are children in the third world who don't have teeth in my size, so I was asked to donate and donate big. I wonder if these are the same children in the third world who are starving... I forget to ask the pertinent questions sometimes....

I asked for nitrous gas because I was told it helps people whose bodies are desperately trying to escape the chair. Then I asked for it again. While I waited, I got the gold treatment from the dental tech, whether I wanted it or not. For no reason whatsoever, I noticed that none of the staff was over 20. Plus their uniforms were not conductive to looking down their shirts. Either that or their upper measurement was not sufficient to cause a nice view.  I don't care about size, so long as there are an even number of them.

The nitrous eventually showed up. Since I also unfortunately showed up, I suggested to connect it to me. It came in through this tiny device that went over my nose only, so it didn't look like something from Alien, attacking my face. I waited a while, wondering if I would sound like Cheech and Chong. The doc couldn't tell me, but it's because he was relatively young. He couldn't tell me what band Jimmy Page was in either.  I let him work on me anyway.

My voice continued not to sound like Cheech, Chong, or Jimmy Page, so I waited. I noticed that most of my body parts had stopped trying to escape the chair or even defend myself from the doctor with nuclear weapons I carry in my pocket, next to the Rolos. The single exception was my pancreas, which tried with all its might to GET OUT. It was screaming really loudly, but only I could hear it. It might have been funny if everybody else could hear it too, but I digress.

Oops - the nitrous ran out. That was encouraging. It really helped relax me for the root canal, but the teeth donation was next. You can see how this might have caused unrest, can't you? I highly recommend it. Rest assured your insurance won't cover it, so be prepared to pay for it. So, as the mad panic and escape plans returned, Doc said there would be no extraction tonight. He explained why, but I was too busy being in panic. That's a trick they use: "Mr lefty, your fourth lateral thingamajigger is askew, so we're going to have to move the extraction to next month." Meanwhile, your entire body, plus your spouse's, is trying to leave the office, through the window if necessary. I talked to the doctor about this... "Hey Doc... you know that describing the upper incisor just confuses people. Try saying 'the one on top.'" He agreed. Also, 'extraction' 'is a great word, because you don't have to say 'pull your fscking tooth out.'

So all the terror I had built up had dissipated slightly, but gave itself an additional two weeks to regroup. I expected it to start giving me dreams of blue-scrubbed men chasing me around with pliers. It will have trained my body to levitate four feet whenever it hears 'extraction.'

At least I got to wear some wicked safety goggles. That almost made up for the sheer terror and bank-drain. Cosmetically, I went from looking like I was in a nasty fight in which many front teeth were broken, to a smaller fight, in which two teeth were broken. Only time will tell if Mrs. lefty gets all hot over my new look. So far she hasn't noticed (even after she drove me home from the appointment). 

If you look at this process from the outside, there's fear and pain, for which I'm paying dearly and going back. It's like owning an iPhone. 

I got that really comfortable, soothing blanket while they took final xrays. Through my nose. So only the bottom of my brain would be exposed. This sounds like the TSA all over again. She pointed the thing at me and I gave her my wallet. We laughed. I actually gave my wallet to the biller.  It was a change from giving it to Wife.

I mentioned that the girls up front probably held pom poms more than once in their lives. There's an automated system that sends a text, reminding the patient of their appointment. They suggested I respond, just to say HI. They get the texts and will respond to me. They're really sweet, but we don't come from the same planet.

• apparently it's Hispanic Heritage Month. My workplace misses nothing. Nor does Google, which is celebrating Latinx Heritage Month. One of these can't spell..
• I think my local convenience store is celebrating too: they added burritos and tacos to their menu
• Still no left handed history month
• a Florida town celebrated with a dancing taco gif - OUTRAGE!

I'll bet you didn't see this coming: When the Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin with Neil Young

If 

you're out and decide you need to vacuum the car

then 

you realize the car could use a washing too

pro tip:

close the windows in the car

• a newly discovered Vincent Van Gogh drawing has been discovered
• keep an ear out for it

Instagram internal info: "We make body image image issues worse for one in three teen girls."

Remember the Olde Days<tm>, when parents would talk to their kids? 

• FBI: $133 million lost to online romance scams this year
• suggests scammers transition to ransomeware, where the Big Bucks are 

Nothing stupid about California has been in the press for a few days, so here goes:

Marathon runners in San Francisco are required to wear masks. Also

• to carry 60lb backpacks
• to make an environmental statement if any press is near
• to walk during part of the marathon, to protest something or other
• to wear business attire, especially shoes

Speaking of the president, I've noticed that all the non-US citizens who had their noses in the US' political business when Trump was in office, have fled and have absolutely nothing to say about Biden. I wonder what the late shows are talking about...

• Ladies and gentlemen, we have finally solved all the worlds' crises: I give you Boozebrella!

My Emotional Support Elephant is Wiccan

 Your love is like  a bottle of herpes

• TikTok is removing educational hacking videos
• Watch the dance videos. Drool. Be a good citizen.

Today in Olympics news:  George Harrison disqualified from Paralympics when judges ruled death does not qualify as a handicap

President Taxit wants to create hundreds of thousands of jobs with a civilian climate corp.

priorities as young adults find work installing solar panels, planting trees, digging irrigation ditches and boosting outdoor recreation... 

This will obviously cost nothing. Obviously a government function. Boosting outdoor recreation?

Out of control.

Today I identify as  a womb

A Generation of American Men Give Up on College: ‘I Just Feel Lost’

Yet somehow this is bent around to being discriminatory to women.

Or something. There's a lot of statistics.

In the end what they're saying is to wait a while then go to college, when the women far outnumber the men. You chance of scoring goes up exponentially. Lesbians too.

• Singapore Police to Deploy Snitch Bots That Search for 'Undesirable Social Behaviors'
• I don't live in Singapore but this is pretty frightening 

Sex can relieve nasal congestion, and other work honored by 2021 Ig Nobels

So, uh, get to work....

• immutable law of physics: if you have two keyrings in your pocket, you will always pull out the wrong one

So there's one day til my dentist appointment.

He's going to do something to me that I haven't had done before.

The procedure rhymes with 'pull'.  Or "I'm going there to donate teeth."

I'm scared shitless. I hope the chair is non-stick.

I asked what can help nervous patients. I suggested not showing up, but he poo-pooed that idea. I asked about sleep meds, and he said no, because he likes to see the terror in patients' eyes. I asked if getting drunk would help. They only have nitrous. I want the happy gas, dammit! I want to be knocked so far out that I want to have the procedure.

They gave me a choice of what I wanted done with the hole. This would normally be an easy shot, but we're talking about my mouth here. It's usually open, so I want to be careful. Doc offered me one of those plate things. I have this repeating nightmare of taking care of a plate for the rest of my life. Then he suggested the Drill and Screw and Glue option, wherein they take a metal screw and put it in your jaw, then put a tooth-like substance on top of it. There is no dental insurance in the world that's gonna pay the $2,000 per screw. Plus I get the Screaming Heebee Jeebies (aka the douche chills) about screwing something into my jaw.  

When he found out my favorite color was green, he said he could glue in a green metal tooth. I suggested maybe hot pink. He parried with a grill. I told him I don't listen to the kind of music that requires grills. He suggested a barbecue grill, which got my attention. I asked about smokers... I like my meat smoked, so why not my teeth. He said insurance will cover 50% of grills but not smokers.

He told me about a thing called a bridge. I asked what the toll would be, and would the monies go directly to me. Apparently they remove a tooth and build a superstructure between the two adjoining teeth. He thinks I'm stupid, though... he wants to remove 2 adjacent teeth, which would require a suspension bridge, which would twist frighteningly in the wind.

There's these veneer thingies. This is where the dentist brings in his kids, some tooth-shaped material, and some super glue. The kids attempt to get the fronts on the teeth before the glue dries and the teeth go on sideways. This either makes the kids enthusiastic to go into dentistry, or decide on a safer career, like cow inseminator. 

To make all of this worse, I found out the doctor is a lefty, which is rare in dentistry. Are you reading me here? All of the equipment is backwards. So I'm going to let a dentist do stuff to me with equipment designed for the wrong hand. That's reassuring. 

• those of you who work.... in any talk with superiors, mention AI. It's the current buzzword. It will make them aware how forward-thinking you are. It doesn't even have to be anything intelligible - "I was thinking AI would really give us good ROI on the sanitation project." It will only be a matter of time til your promotion. Or til your boss takes credit for your idea.

There are a ton of HD external cameras available for your computer.

Most laptops have cameras built-in.

Trust me - the last thing you want is your colleagues to see you in Hi Def....

Most of us don't wear pants

• Biden and his staff are exempt from the vaccination/testing mandate
• hmmmmm.......
• NEW - Dr. Fauci: Proof of vaccination or negative test for domestic travel within the U.S. "is on the table for discussion."
• Which countries are vaccinating children and why?
• Tension over boosters rises as FDA regulators quit and publicly blast Biden’s plan - side with WHO on boosters, citing insufficient data

Hypergiant Industries is trying to launch satellites to search for UFOs on earth.

That's a serious duplication of effort and waste of money. Don't you think existing satellites track incomings? The answer is classified, but you can start with NORAD.

• According to Science, the world now sees twice as many days over 50C
• Quite frankly, I'm not taking climate change seriously until they start measuring temperature in Fahrenheit

Cows toilet trained to reduce greenhouse gas emissions

...taking the world by storm:

• airplanes taught to hold it in - "I told you to go before we left"
• Mexico closes after beans outlawed
• people taught to use toilets (except San Francisco)
• remember: if you outlaw poo, only outlaws will poo
• cats refuse all training, but nobody seriously expected that to happen

The doctors told me it's bad form to kill people.

It's been 2 days.

The alcoholics say "One day at a time."

Unfortunately, I'm not an alcoholic.

• Know what sucks?
• many many things
• among them is staff meetings, eulogizing lost coworkers

I like to learn the hard way.

In fact, I insist on it.

So I report spam.

Yesterday I reported spam from an Outlook account.

Today I got a notice that the email violated Outlook's terms of service and they took appropriate action.

It must've been swift and severe, because I reported the same spam last week.

I am currently at war with my ear. In order to maintain anonymity, I'm not going to tell you which one.

For no apparent reason, it gets itchy.

So I scratch it.

This morning all was well, so I told myself I wouldn't scratch.

So naturally I scratched it.

And it started itching.

So I scratched it.

When it stopped itching, I noticed my hand reaching up to scratch it.

This went on all morning.

I may have to wear an ear guard. Or a hand guard.

My dental insurance sent me an email with teeth health tips.

The absolute best was to avoid sugar.

If I avoided sugar, I'd have nothing to eat.

When I was a little bastard, I'd eat Sugar Snacks. When we were out somewhere, I'd open a sugar packet and eat the contents. The parental response was priceless. I should probably stop that sometime soon.

• The Teamsters File for First Union Election at an Amazon Warehouse in Canada. Canada is in no way ready for broken windshields, slashed tires, verbal harassment, broken limbs, and all the other joys that come from the Teamsters. After about two days, Canada will tell Amazon to get it's stuff together and tell the unions to leave.

Miss Ireland 2021 is the first black winner of the crown.

A case of whiskey was delivered backstage, after which a huge brawl broke out over someone's mother and because Miss Ireland didn't sound Irish enough.

• Remember the shutdown of Gatwick Airport in England because of a drone?
• There was no drone, except for the police drone, looking for the offending drone
• miscreants and jokers kept calling in alerts
• I continue to smell shenanigans

[Scientists] Boffins say Martian colonists could pee in buckets, give blood if they want shelter

Honey, I smell something.

Oh, you always smell something.

It's only during the day.

Sure it is. What do you smell?

I'm not sure, but I think I smell pee.

You smell pee?

Yes.

During the day?

Yes. And why can't we get blue bricks?

Because they're all red - you know that.

I'm beginning to think this living on Mars thing is way overrated.

I don't know what you're complaining about. Aside from no breathable atmosphere, no plumbing, no food, and making shelter with blood and piss, what's wrong? Try being grateful for once in your life. We only paid $4 million for this honor.

• It's almost predictable: watch out for Flying AIDS spam or phishing

Michelin now has an airless tire. The reviews are in:

• Flat
• Not as square as one would expect - (Science)
• Flatter than an anorexic at a food-tasting event
• Flat - (Auto Trend)
• Flat Flat
• Mostly round, except where it's flat
• They should have considered air, like all other tires
• Flat - (Batman)
• What is it - a Tilt-a-Whirl? - (Joe Biden)

There's been a whole lotta noise lately about 'right to repair'. If you don't know what that is, allow me: Tesla wanted $22,500 to replace a battery in an out of warranty car. An independent repair shop fixed it for $5,000. Many companies want to be the only ones to do any and all repairs, like Tesla and Apple. This is why. The government is going after the giants to allow right to repair. Please consider this if you're considering a Tesla. Is even a $5,000 charge ok?

Napping Upside Down

 Your love is like  finding gray hairs

• News sites are liable for defamatory Facebook comments, rules Australia’s High Court
• oh c'mon - news is news, even if Faceyspaces doesn't like it. Australia is becoming a draconian, dystopian nightmare
• Faceyspaces apologized after AI labeled black men 'primates'
• will there be a major protest, shaming, and closing of accounts?
• stop it.

Today in Olympic news:  27 athletes denied competition because they didn't have man buns

Yes, it's back to the dentist time. My main work was done by the guy I semi-affectionately call Dr. Mengele. We didn't see eye-to-eye so I decided to go elsewhere. And when I say I decided to go elsewhere, I mean sit home and not go to the dentist. You see, I'm beyond terrified of the dentist. I used to be perfectly fine, then something happened. Aliens? I have no idea. I just know fight-or-flight kicked in and the bottom half of my body spent most of its time trying to escape from the chair. This did not work well with the very top of my body being worked on with all sorts of tools and nauseating sounds. Wanna know how terrified I was? I didn't even look down the dental tech's shirt when I had the opportunity (yes, she was a she).

Putting on my big boy pants, I found another practice, Fly by Night Dentists, Inc. The moment I walked in the door, I smelled cheap, disorganized office. When they were being dishonest, I told them to give themselves a screw-in partial permanent crown hat, do not pass go, and pay $1200 deductible to start. 

At that point, I took another 'break' from weird dentistry and doctors who I couldn't understand when they spoke. And when I say break, I mean sat home in only mild panic.

Deciding to try again, I looked for a local dentist who took my (very common) insurance. Several told me I had to pay up front and I could keep the insurance payment. WTF is this? So I have an appointment. My break from insurance was interrupted by a toothache in a nasty-looking spot. By the time I'm done, I will have paid for the Dentist's new vacation house in Aruba. And why not - I already paid for the vet's car, her daughter's car and education, and two vacation homes. I'm a walking charitable foundation and get not a cent off in taxes.

I have that toothache numbing liquid. I couldn't get it to stop the pain as directed, and it turns out drinking it also fails to help. I was wondering about that fire whiskey stuff. Or allergy/sleeping pills. Either would put me out of commission at work, but I'd just look like all my coworkers. 

Today I identify as  a lamp with a halogen bulb and no federally mandated fire protection

• President Taxit has struck another blow for huge government by declaring all federal workers must get the vaccine(s). Can't he just go to the Home and live out his life?
• Oahu and Maui will start ‘vaccine pass’ programs.
• CDC tightened masking guidelines after threats from teachers union, emails show (who's running this whorehouse anyway?)

On boosters.... 

"has already drawn criticism from US experts who say the medical need for third doses is not yet clear, and the decision to offer them overstepped review by the Food and Drug Administration and expert advisers for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention."

Still. No. Idea.

At the dentist's office, it was very nice. 

The ladies at the front desk were wonderful.

And loud. And incredibly helpful. In high school, they probably did things that involved pom poms.

Things have been modernized to the extent that all paperwork to fill in is done on a tablet.

Unfortunately an iTablet, so naturally we didn't get along.

Fortunately an ex-pom pom user happily helped me. She assured me it wasn't my fault, even though the tablet or I was producing smoke. 

My tech agreed that the ladies out front were very helpful. And loud. And motivated. And were probably well acquainted with pom poms.

NOTE: we all need pom pom people. I am not saying they're bad. Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, ok? 

At almost no time did the lower half of my body try to escape from the chair.

This probably had something to do with nothing getting done.

Dentistry is weird.

You can walk in with half of your face blown up and they'll ask you what brought you in.

You tell them there's so much pain, you can barely function.

They'll proceed to take xrays, wherein you get that boffo heavy blanket.

Then other xrays with some weird thing they hold.

Then still other xrays where you stand up and things spin around, unrelated to pain or medicine.

At this point I'm thinking either my tech or I should be taking the other out for dinner; I just can't figure out which. She knows my mouth way better than I do and I'm trying to figure out whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

She disappears to check out your xrays and make purple marks on them. This is a time-wasting exercise - they don't use these xrays.

The next set she goes over with you, telling you some Dental Stuff.

While half your face continues to hang off your head, she numbs you and starts doing some Other Stuff.

The she says you need Deep Cleaning. This is called many different things at many different practices, and actually only serves to annoy you and your gums. Most insurances pay for it anyway, so it's just revenue enhancement for the practice. You need a cleaning even if you have dentures. There are enough xrays to prove your dog needs a cleaning too.

You find out all sorts of Interesting Dental Information, such as the high school the tech went to, how she has a second job washing cars topless, and that she can do your job better than you.

At this point, you notice that your jaw hurts so much you're seeing stars, and you're still on cleaning.

Your appointment was for five, and the dentist appears around seven.

He pokes, prods, and pokes again, making Thoughtful Noises.

Then he gives you the news. There will have to be Deep Dental Procedures proceeded.

You have a choice of different procedures per tooth: you can have it drilled, removed, disinfected, put in a post, or just generally drilled for fun and practice. In fact, my body didn't try to escape until he mentioned putting in posts.

So I'm still sitting there, certain parts of me fused to the chair, and he mentions I said I was suffering greatly, with pain up into my scalp.  He sounds somewhat concerned, so he does what any healer would do: sets up a Plan, finds out what insurance will pay, and comes back with the Whole Deal. You find out that, with really good dental insurance, it will only cost you two grand. 

HUH?

Two grand ain't nothin, I was assured.

Two grand is something, I was assured, by Wife.

So I quietly mention I'm still in horriffic pain.

Doc tells me to schedule the appointment so we can begin The Plan.

Dentistry is funny.

If you take a pneumatic nail gun and nail your forehead to a 2x4, it's fairly obvious, plus you're in a bit of pain.

Whereas with half your face hanging off, dentistry wants you to make an appointment, next week or so. Or next month - whatever works for you.

But Doc, I'm sitting here in unbelievable pain.

Take some ibuprofen.

For the next week or month? 

What else would you like me to do?

MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY - THAT'S WHY I'M AT THE DENTIST'S OFFICE.

I told you to schedule an appointment so we can get to you as early as possible.

By the laws of physics, as early as possible is RIGHT NOW.

And, conveniently, here I am, right in the very chair I would sit in to be worked on. Imagine that.

I'd stick with soft foods and we'll see you later, lefty.

As much pain as that entire routine caused, it does not compare to the pain of coming home:

HER: How was it?

ME: It was the most recent visit to the dentist ever.

HER: Did he make the pain go away?

ME: No, but he told me when he will.

HER: let me guess - next week?

ME: Exactly.

HER: and how much is this going to cost you?

ME: Do I hear the phone ringing?

HER: No. How much?

ME: Is dinner ready?

HER: Of course. How much?

ME: dwrgtjjjdtrrs

HER: Stop mumbling

ME: I said two grand.

HER: TWO GRAND? How are we supposed to come up with two grand? Shall I whip it out of an orifice to be named later? Or whip it out of the mortgage payments for the next few months?

ME: errr.... I don't know?

HER: Don't you have really good insurance?

ME: Yes. You should have seen the price without insurance.

HER: Did you at least get to look down the tech's shirt?

ME: I wasn't panicked enough to forget, but she had a heavy sweater on, dammit. On the bright side, every one of them was born here, so I could understand them. Except during the dance segment.

Why tell the doctor where it hurts, when you could use emoji instead?

Because people have become so simple, they can only communicate in tiny pictures?

Uhhh... guys.... we're going to need emojis for 

• the dog ate my insurance card
• afflictions of the pancreas
• colonoscopy
• nose hair calamities
• diarrhea
• STDs
• I shut the car door on my penis

Revealed: LAPD officers told to collect social media data on every civilian they stop

but..but..but... I have to post these pictures of my cat doing something cute, along with my social security number!! 

Things are getting even more hairy aboard the International Space Station, specifically the Russian section. After last week's 'mistaken' firing of Russian boosters, this week the smoke alarms went off.

US: What are those alarms? Smoke alarms?

RU: Must be time for battery change.

US: Battery change is one beep, this is constant.

RU: It is not.

US: Yes it is.

RU: We hear nothing.

US: Why is there smoke coming in from your side of the station?

RU: Is nothink.

US: It's right there.

RU: Oh, dat. Uh, Sergei burnt Pop-Tart.

US: Nuh-uh. Pop-Tarts burn horizontally, with color dependent on the flavor.

RU: Maybe Leonid smoke ceeg.

US: The rules state cigarettes can only be smoked outside the ISS.

RU: But can't light outside.

US: Then don't smoke. Hey - that looks like flames.

RU: Isn't.

US: Is.

RU: Isn't.

US: The temp has gone up 30 degrees  (40 kilometers Russian).

RU: Is ceeg, I tell you.

US: does that look like molten metal?

RU: No. Look like joke - ha ha.

US: it just set off the sprinkler system, so you better be ready to go swimming in 5 minutes.

RU: Nooooo. Not at all. Boris is taking bath again.

US: We don't have enough air til we can send for the Chinese

RU: Goot. Esk for #42 Moo Goo Gai Pan.

US: You better fix whatever it is, before we wind up in a David Bowie song.

RU: So sorry. Did I say bath? No, Leonid make small trajectory adjustment with monkey wrench. Not heppen again, I promise.

• President Taxit: a woman's body is her own
• President Taxit: unless she has the Flying AIDS
• Executive overreach

'Black national anthem' makes its debut at the NFL

Stop dividing. Come together.

[Can also function as the left handed national anthem]

It's nice and sunny outside. Naturally I am inside. I don't actually have a desire to be outside, but I'd like some representative sun to appear inside.

The person who built my (Sears, no, really) house made sure to orient it so no sun got into it, no matter where the sun was, and no matter the season. 

I've got two friggin' windows in my office. I can sorta tell it's sunny out, but that's the end of it. I was thinking about turning the house around, but I've got too many responsibilities already, with working, sitting, blogging, and making sure the dog's comfortable on the bed. Her sleep number is 65.

How in the world do you orient a house so no light gets in?

Oh, wait, there's exactly one window on the east side. Most are north-south.

This will become important as we go to the cold season. We only have two seasons here: hot and cold. Somebody flips the switch and we go to the other season. I'd like to have more light during the cold season. It tends to get depressing and the neighbors really want to chip in and get me more light, any way it has to happen. They prefer the summer lefty to the winter lefty.

Did you know that most of the musicians who have lefty in their name don't play guitar lefty?

I think we'd have to install new windows on the east-west sides, which would mean WALL DEMOLITION!!! The only problem is that the Crazy Lady's house would still block the light. HOUSE DEMOLITION!!!  This is why the city stops by for a soda once a week or so.

This just proves windows is good for nothing.

• Definition of chutzpah: potential juror shows up to courthouse in black t-shirt with RIOT in big letters and black balaclava.
• we need more of this in America

The public hoo-ha over Britney Spears' finances came to a head after her father petitioned to be let go as the conservator.

Buoyed by this news, Britney got engaged! 

We wish Ms. Spears and Tupac the best of luck

Period facilities are needed at live events

also needed:

• removing items from rectum labs
• somewhere to go to the bathroom
• places for wine. chilled to the correct temperature
• wiping sweat from forehead stations
• diarrhea treatment and resources
• lactose intolerant booths

No Rest for the Wonderful

 Your love is like   a choir of kidney stones

You knew the car coming home from the body shop wouldn't be the last of it.

And it wasn't. 

It has a flat.

Today in Olympic news:  the US Trans Bodybuilding team won everything. Everything.

I'm going to blame CostCo for the flat, the last place the car was.

The place poor Mrs. lefty got badgered and literally assaulted by some crazy lady, who accused her of stealing her cart. Yeah, the lady with the cane stole your cart, then whizzed away so fast you couldn't see her, right?  The police showed up, whereupon the crazy lady started yelling at them. They sent her away with a few pieces of paper.

I have never wanted to be at CostCo, but I wanted to be there at that moment. Lady, if you slap my wife one more time, I will break every bone in your hand, slowly. I will make you count them as I break them. If you do not appear sufficiently contrite, I'll start on the other hand. 

After the police leave, you will write weekly letters of apology, and do 47 hours per week charity work. for the foreseeable future. You will also take college level courses in anger management.

If you fail to make one visit, I will get mad. You do not want to see me mad.

Today I identify as   a pair of cheap computer speakers. I am everywhere hahahahHAHAHAHA!

But we clean. No, really.

Every now and then we get the Cleaning Bug<tm> and have at it.

This time I discovered the Cleaning Bug<tm> can be cured with antibiotics or chocolate.

Actually the bug was cured by attempting to clean.

 Scenes from a Cleaning

• pick up trashcan in house, 4 things attack me, trash spills
• Mom comes to help, walks into dust, isn't seen til time to leave
• HONEY.... I can't put together the clutter organizer you bought because there's too much clutter
• We've got to clean off the table. Ok, where do you want this box? Put it on the table
• This week in vacuuming: it picked up everything. Except the red dog hair. It used to pick up dog hair. Maybe it needs a new bag. It takes bags? Yeah. Where are they? Stop asking stupid questions. They'll pop up. Eventually...
• why are there six car trunks from 1957 Chevys by the table? You don't wanna know. Anything interesting in them? You definitely don't wanna know. Repeat after me: these are all factory new...
• I don't want to say you don't listen to me, but I said 1957 left handed Stratocasters, not 1957 Chevy trunk assemblies. Meh, I guess they're close enough to get mixed up...
• remember the paper boy who went missing in 2004?

Fortunately Wife will deal with the flat. I'll work. Working provides structure. If I don't have structure, there's no telling what I might get into. Or who.

Still, one must wonder what the fsck is going on here.

• All the crashes to the last car, and now it's starting on the new car. We do not hit people - they hit us. Frequently without insurance.
• Tri-plumbing emergency.
• 2 cancerous cockers
• a house that knows when I get a few dollars and breaks accordingly

It has been one after another for at least ten years.

Can somebody explain this shit?

One of my friends absolutely poo-pooed any thought that it's personal. 

I asked him if this happens to him or anyone he knows.

Well...

I don't want to think it's personal - that's just weird.

But the shit falling is so regular and predictable, it certainly feels this way.

"You get more than your share."  When I hear this, I feel better. Nothing is sweeter than validation.

But I still have to pay for it...

We just bought 16 cases of sage. We're going to do the car and the house. So if you hear a lot of fire engines looking for flames, it's probably us.

BUT WAIT!

a friend dropped off some incense that's supposed to help.

C'mon now... incense? My friends burned that stuff in high school. I hated the smell.

Try it.

Does it smell like vanilla ice cream?

No.

Dammit. Does it smell like pumpkin spice?

No.

SOLD. What is it?

Frankincense.

I see. I don't suppose any myrrh will be involved...

No, just frankincense.

No babies - you know I hate kids.

Nope.

Camels?

No.

Mangers? I'm allergic to hay.

Negative.

Am I still a wise man?

That is up for discussion.

So I just burn this stanky stuff when some planet or other goes into retrograde?

And Mondays.

You have to figure that even things we can't see don't like Mondays.

And put this in your pocket 

Dare I ask what it is?

It's a quartz crystal.

I see.

No you don't.

What does it do?

Protection.

Oh, wait, I got this one... if anything bad happens, I take the stone out of my pocket and wing it at someone, right?

You have just split the physical and the metaphysical.

Hey, I'm just that kinda guy.

You must recharge the quartz monthly.

Does it use the USB-C plug or the old one?

[sigh] No good deed ever goes unpunished. TO THE LIONS!

Speaking of BlueTooth speakers, it appears they're mono. Every one I've seen, anyway.

Without arguing whether it's necessary, I find it interesting.

• Rutgers banned unvaccinated students from attending virtual classes
• another institute of higher learning 

The beatings will continue until "health" improves        - @mkibbe

• The president of game server company Tripwire stepped down over support for Texas abortion law
• stop it already. So he has an opinion. I disagree with it but support his right to have his opinion. The only thing I'd be concerned about, if I gave a rip about games, is if he did his job well.  More witch hunts.

In 8 US states, Apple will begin storing driver’s licenses on the iPhone

What could possibly go wrong? 

What about android phones?

• Coronavirus can spread among vaccinated people
• No it can't.
• Ok, yes it can.
• Get your booster.
• Still. No. Clue.

US states that had some of the worst Covid-19 case rates in past week also reported the highest rates of new vaccinations

Android sends 20x more data to Google than iOS sends to Apple, study says

Google: no we don't. Ok, we do, but we're 'improving' the situation.

Internet shutdowns by governments have ‘proliferated at a truly alarming pace’

Of course they have. Governments need to be kept away from the hardware/software. This is part of Full Control. Heaven forbid anything serious happens, rest assured there will be connectivity issues. Also watch for back doors in encryption.

The government is already monitoring everything going through the net via humongous taps in carrier service rooms. This is fact.

• California bill takes aim at Amazon’s productivity-tracking algorithms
• this tells us that the government is meddling in Amazon's business, plus Amazon has productivity-tracking algorithms. Neither being too surprising.

My cousin got her shots. Upon completion of the second one, the pharmacist said, "Great, now we can schedule your booster."  She was not amused. Her arm hurt for days and she was out of it for a day or so.

People around eastern PA like to visit the Pocono Mountains.

If you're from southeast PA, it's pronounced mou-ans.

A relative has a cabin. For some reason, that was entirely hunger, a bear took a fancy to it.

The bear ripped the screen door out and punched out the glass in the wood door.

The bear has obviously done this before. Are there Bear Universities where they learn this stuff?

Don't feed the animals, people.

Get some bear repellent, loud noisemakers, and a gun to fire up in the air.

Don't be bear food. I recommend against it.

• I've been trying to figure out what I hate about Teams, aside from everything and it's Microsoft.
• I think a great start would be to make all bleeps and popups opt-in and optional. Most of them are extremely annoying and not needed. Every meeting dropping notes into the Teams chat is silly, and I don't need to be notified every time it happens. I don't need a BING and large blue notification when someone starts a meeting I'm scheduled for in 5 minutes anyway. I didn't ask for them, yet they popped up anyway.
• Microsoft - you should take notice. When somebody who doesn't like your software makes a suggestion, there may be value in it.
• and while you're at it, when someone highlights text, why not make it an automatic copy, like linux? It does away with an extra step.

An astrobiologist suggests viruses may form a vital part of ecosystems on other planets.

Fauci, the FDA, and the CDC are petitioning NASA for immediate flights to these other planets, to give them shots.

Celebrate! 9-11

 It's been 20 years.

20 sad years.

We lost around 3,000 people.

The event was used as a pretext for invasion.

The event gave us the Homeland Security industry for spending money and violating rights.

We got an investigation almost as laughable as the Warren Commission.

To this day, most believe the conspiracy theory that two planes brought down the towers.

Big Tech Has Made Billions Off the 20-Year War on Terror

FAA tapes destroyed

Hijack 'suspects' alive and well

Alleged Hijackers May Have Trained At U.S. Bases

A New Look at the 9/11 Commission

9/11 Commission Heads: We Still Don't Know the Whole Truth of 9/11
2006-08-09, CNN News

Book: Sept. 11 panel considered Pentagon probe

World Trade Center Collapse Investigation

A NATION CHALLENGED: THE SITE; Engineers Have a Culprit in the Strange Collapse of 7 World Trade Center: Diesel Fuel

Architects and Engineers for 9-11 Truth

• Dick Cheney knew the plane was coming for the Pentagon and had standing orders - Scty Maneta
• Bush/Cheney stalled the investigation and would not appear in court
• The explosive thermite was found in the wreckage, which burned for days
• The Dancing Israelis were discovered to be Mossad and had a video camera to document the event
• The buildings were designed to take an airplane hit
• Explosions were heard by a maintenance man, underneath one of the towers - heard on Howard Stern
• BBC announced the fall of Building 7 almost 30 minutes before it happened
• The evil villain was known and circulated immediately
• A major newscaster said it looked like a demolition. Once. Then never again.
• No planes flew. Except one Saudi plane containing friends of Bush
• there are several good documentaries on YouTube - there was a lot of science done
• There was no plane crash in Pennsylvania - it was pure theater
• the airport screenings are security theater
• the day before, Donald Rumsfeld announced they couldn't account for trillions of dollars
• Environment Protection Agency head Christie Whitman assured everyone the buildings' asbestos was safe to breathe

Who benefitted?

The Military Industrial Complex, as usual

The Homeland Security Complex founding and buildup, which continues its expansion today

Man, that's a lot of reference material.

Don't believe me - follow the links and research for yourself.

20 years later. We've done nothing. We bend to all invasions of freedoms - it's for the children.

It's never too late....