Your love is like reading too much of this blog
I have a smart nephew.
My smart nephew is also funny.
The teacher announced they would be playing German dodgeball.
My smart nephew asks if this means they only kick the ball at the Jewish kids.
He sat the entire game out.
Smart kid.
He's back to school physically, five days a week. He told me they had to attach things to each other in the bathrooms because people were stealing toilet paper holders and urinals. Apparently this is a TikTok thing.
In my day, we didn't bother stealing urinals. We lit explosives and flushed them down the loo. What's wrong with kids today?
Today I identify as a nipple clamp. the left one.
CDC director Dr. Rochelle Walensky decides to overrule her own agency’s
advisory panel and recommend boosters for workers who interact with the
public a lot, calling into question the administration’s simplistic and
often inaccurate slogan, “follow the science”
Australia Police Goes Door to Door: "Are You Aware Of Any Planned Protests Or Events Coming Up?"
- 'The Wire' star Michael K. Williams overdosed on cocaine, heroin, fentanyl accidentally: ME
- That's an awful lot of drugs to accidentally overdose on
- dammit.. did I take too much fentanyl with my cocaine and heroin?
Arm the Homeless
A homeless man went into Shake Shack in Canoga Park, CA, got loud, and was asked to leave.
He returned and opened fire on the store.
Fortunately no one was hurt, although the shakes had a metallic taste for a few hours.
- An elderly Michigan man is accused of trying to bomb phone stores to stop the spread of porn.
- He was from "The Coalition for Moral Telecommunication"
- The only question is whose morals
- Next week he will be trying to bomb hairdressers to stop wars
News from Occupied Australia
- Over here we put food on a plate, we do not plate food
Check out "Nona and the Carefully-Placed Listening Devices" - a great lesbian spy noir romance, taking place in beautiful downtown Detroit. "Detroit sure has changed," Nona thinks to herself.
Nona's love interest is Stevie. Stevie looks around and says to herself, "Detroit sure has changed."
They meet at Van Dyke's, a popular bar for spy noir romances. They're both dressed in suits and ties, causing some concern, because the dress code says only one tie per couple. It is decided only Nona will wear the tie. To meet in the middle, she puts on Stevie's tie too. Nona mentions she's a spy, and Stevie says no way - she definitely looks more like a grass mechanic and part time yield sign. They commiserate over the face that no one yields anymore..
"Well, grass mechanic is my cover for spying," intones Nona.
"Who are you spying on, and for?" asks Stevie.
"If I told you, I'd have to...."
"Kill me?"
"No, shave your body hair."
"Shall we leave?" asks Stevie, face flushed.
In their hotel room, the tv is playing a commercial... Ladies... is your nipple hair so long you can braid it? Try new Nip-Ex! Spread it on, the hair's gone. Bring a friend. Have Nip-Ex parties. Try it on your husband!
Stevie asks if Nona has noticed the general decline in the level of advertising these days.
"It started when Bruce Jenner died," said Nona.
"Bruce Jenner never died. He just changed sexes."
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely. He went from the cereal box straight into the operating room. They even shaved his adams apple down. But strictly between us, he doesn't make a very fetching chick. I hear they modeled his vagina on Oprah's."
"Let me see if I have this correct: Bruce jumped the fence instead of the hurdle. The Kardashians only date black men, and Bruce's vagina is black."
"This is why you're such a great spy. You pick things right up and you know the color of a vagina. Would Bruce date black men too?"
"I like black women but not black vaginas. You?"
"I've never seen a woman with a different colored vagina."
"You need to get out more."
Stay tuned for part 2 of "Nona and the Carefully-Placed Listening Devices" on this here blog, As the Stomach Turns.
- Paralympic swimmer Nadine Grossman died yesterday when she fell into a pool
Your tax dollars at work
After 47 years, the Tennessee Valley Authority will give up its construction permit for its unfinished nuclear plant.
Refund checks to the taxpayers will be issued next week.
Heh heh heh. Refund checks.
We know I'm the Anti-Sports. We know it was fascinating and enraging when I discovered projected/artificial lines over hockey and football fields. What would we like to see?
- tiny pictures of Princess Meghan naked
- long urls to pictures of Princess Meghan naked
- minute-by-minute earnings of team owners
- biggest secret of each team (pictures of the front 4 in women's clothing)
- who has the Flying AIDS and is still playing
- whose wife is about to catch him and with what
- fake nudes of Princess Meghan
With a few minor modifications, maybe sports will be tolerable after all...
Nah.
Wouldn't it be cool if you could remove your head? Like a hat... just take it off.
Think of the hijinks!
- scare the bejesus out of most people who see you (except morticians)
- give new meaning to 'getting some head'
- become a ventriloquist without practicing
- constantly repeat "I'd lose my head if it weren't attached to me... oh."
- make sex really kinky
- have fun riding horses
- prove you're not talking out your ass and it's impossible to put you head up your ass
- finally be able to perform oral sex on yourself (don't tell me you never thought about it)
Happy birthday Moon Unit Zappa
gag me with a spoon
- One of my delightful coworkers told me if I hated Windows 10, wait til I saw Windows 11
- I feel all warm and tingly now
I just sat next to my silent phone in the office for 8 hours.
I got up to get a Coke and when I came back, I had missed a call.
This is why I don't get invited to parties.
According to new stats from Public Health Wales:
-99% of people who tested positive for Covid in the past week were under 60 years old
-63% were vaccinated
-87% of COVID hospitalizations were vaccinated.
Interesting numbers.
- Karen Croake Heisler: 67 year old forner Notre Dame professor says "damn the unvaccinated," dead 12 days after third Pfizer mRNA injection
President Taxit has included in his infrastructure bill, fines and enforcement for vaccine mandates. Think about that for a a minute...
Know what's creepy?
Going into your browser and it saying "Hi lefty" up top.
Why did that happen?
Because it's MS Edge, yet another differently-abled MS browser. It's shoehorned in so tightly with Windows that it knows your login and greets you. NOTE: Firefox does not greet you.
MS software is getting worse and worse this way. Between Sharepoint, Office, and Teams, everything's aware of what you're doing and almost anyone can look at the history of what you've done with the software. NOTE: this can also be controlled by system administrators, but it's there
I'm not sure how many degrees of Public Separation this is, but Dog the Bounty Hunter has entered the manhunt for Brian Laundrie, boyfriend of the late Gabby Petito. Hopefully Doggie has his shoe lifts all tuned up. No, wait, that's not fair. Hopefully he has his mullet tuned up. No, that's not fair either. Hopefully he has the camera crew in great shape. Regardless, Dog - Do the Laundrie.
I live in a 7 ring circus. The number of rings runs from 5-7, unless it's a particularly weird day.
I do not want my circus taken away.... I'd just like the rings taken down to 3 most days. If the circus went away, I'd have to create my own mayhem, and we wouldn't want that.
[on phone to me] I didn't realize it was so late
and we're tragically down to 37 clocks
- There are 3 lanes for takeout at the Chik Filet
- the car in front of me turned into a submarine
- a 17 car pileup because someone's car figured out how to fly and everybody looked up
- an intersection closed down because there was a car with flashing lights on (before the Tesla hit it)
- the dog drank my milkshake
- traffic isn't moving because somebody got out of the car to walk their alpaca
- my straw broke in the car and I couldn't drink anything
And this is normal for "I just have to run an errand"
[Judge] I understand you do charitable work
[defendant] Yes, I work with poor children
[Judge] What do you do?
[defendant] I take them around and show them other parts of the city. Parts they'll never be able to afford.
[Judge] GUILTY!
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