So I'm Just Sitting There, Braiding my Nose Hair....

Pity me
I'm getting Windows 10 forced on me at work. I tried begging, whining, doctors notes, and faking death, but I can't get out of it. Before it arrives, I figured I'd need to know how it works (if it works). The best way is to download a VM (virtual machine), so I can run it in VirtualBox, where it won't interfere with my system. You can do this too - it's free and runs on all OSes.

I got ahead of myself, though. As soon as my system found out I was downloading Win 10, it started groaning. Then my stomach started groaning. When I went to ms.com, my browser refused to go. The cherry on top was when the (6g) download stopped for no particular reason. Yeah, this is Windows.

While we're on my favorite software company, Outlook 365 just told me I have Analytics! I'd rather have no lytics, thank you.  This little piece of.... software... notes what you do and recommends things. What kind of black arts are they forcing on us now?  If you are unfortunate enough to be subjected to this too, go to 'manage addons' and unselect it. People seriously want to know why I don't love Microsoft.



Twitter Headline: Trump impeachment proceedings started November 2016.


If we accept that nuts are in some salads and cream is in some salad dressings, then my huge-ass nut brownie with ice cream and whipped cream is a salad.


Don't you hate when you hear this?
This is your captain - don't panic, but does anybody have any flight experience? There is no need to panic.

• Egypt will be launching its first satellite.
• The payload is secret, but it will fire on Israeli satellites.

Hey Joe...
Every now and then, you hear some lyrics that apply, to you or others.

TOMORROW  - Joe Walsh

Tomorrow
Makin a list of things to do
And when I wake up
Gonna cross off a few

There must be millions of reasons
Try and explain but you're never through
When they give you 24 hours
Only so much a man can do

Tomorrow
Made up my mind
Gonna get busy
Come from behind

Today
I'm staying right where I am
Break a few rules
Make a few plans

There's thousands of things
Keep you from doing what you wanna do
And if it isn't this then it's that
Back where it's at and you're never through


There must be millions of reasons
Thousands of things, just to name a few
I'm gonna spend the rest of today
Making a list of things to do
But I'll do em all tomorrow




Dear lefty

• What do you think of the debates the other night?
• What debates?

Doctors are harnessing the power of Artificial Intelligence to watch porn while pretending to look at xrays.

Objective reality doesn't exist, according to a quantum experiment.

So remember, while you're reading this, that neither you not the blog exists.

Today I identify as  one of those round, tubelike bumps on your power cords.


Batman and Robin are set to update, and they've gone Full SJW:

• Robin wears a bitchin frilly costume and identifies as the 234th gender
• chapter title- Batman and Robin: 2 Men in Leather
• Batman Lets Robin Drive
• Batman and Robin shoot the evil gun-owners
• Our heroes join the protest against white men in the comic book genre
• Robin identifies as black: black groups say No Thanks.
• Batman PSA - "Kids - never leave the cave without your Bat Rubbers"

Just so you know, Steve Winwood's brother is Muff Winwood.




Security and Privacy

These 2 are Sadly Related Required Reading. There IS no privacy, but you need to know why....

How Knightscope's security robots surveil the public

The fantasy of opting out



No thank you, I'd rather politely ask the goog to stop tracking me.



So about those search engines.... we know not to use goog. We know I like duckduckgo.com. After reading this, you won't use Startpage. Let's guess that being bought by a behavioral ad company makes the confidentiality and results suspect.




Heroes of the Stupid

A suspicious vehicle tried to enter the White House Grounds, but was quickly stopped. Driver rumored to 'look a lot like Joe Biden.'




SJW Standings

"Perhaps I am mistaken...
but it seems like the majority of go-fund-mes are for the Extreme Left.  Many are getting rich, without a real cause."  - Twitter


The San Diego Public Library system discontinued fines to alleviate inequity.
Next week they will give books away to obtain peace on earth.

Welcome to the Snot Factory

Sometimes a man can get in trouble, through no fault of his own.
Like when your girlfriend answers with a simple hello, and you're in the shower and it's your wife on the phone...  Joe Walsh - Certain Situations

• In these times of ubiquitous surveillance, it's important to have and use all the tools to keep you relatively safe. Toward that end, PornHub has come out with their own VPN (virtual private network). This is the thing to use at free wifi spots and anywhere else, to keep your data safe. Available for android, iOS, and Windows, the app comes in free and paid versions. It is not restricted to PornHub use.
• I have not checked out the policies of the VPN, so if you want to install it, I highly recommend that you look at them first. One of the most important features is no logs.

Your friends at Faceyspaces just want you to know that they're not paying for the theft and misuse of your data by Cambridge Analytica. Oh, and by the way... they knew about this last year, but didn't say anything til they got caught in March. Lastly, Zuckerberg has a special message for all of Faceyspace's users: 

Nyah nyah, I'm not paying you for SHIT - all your data is MINE and I'll sell it to whomever I want and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

• I wanted to be the first to bring you the news: a new study by the Goodman Institute for Public Policy Research says the reason any Americans are poor is they're not working.
• I have advanced copies of next week's studies, where we discover: the reason she suffocated is that she wasn't breathing; the reason Americans are tired is they're not sleeping; and the reason men are so horny is they're flipping men.

So you bought one of those Amazon Alexas because they're so gee-whiz futuristic and it will listen and answer you, unlike your family.  As it turns out, it certainly does listen. It emailed and entire conversation a couple had to one of the people on their contact list. Amazon confirmed that's what happened and they're "taking steps to avoid this from happening in the future." It is extremely rare.

Before we proceed with my analysis, let's get one little thing out of the way: I TOLD YOU SO. Anything you can talk to that has a microphone in it can listen. These days it will listen. Anyone who has watched tv or read online news knows about devices eavesdropping. Anyone who reads this blog knows about it, in even greater foreboding detail.

The device is supposed to hang out, doing nothing, until it hears "Alexa", at which point you ask a question or tell it to do something. Then it goes back to sleep. Now Amazon tells us it definitely listened and definitely recorded a conversation that was not preceded with "Alexa" and definitely sent it to a contact on their list (because you gave it permission to access your contacts). Furthermore, it's rare, meaning it has happened before. 

Then there's the box from Google, which is trying to surpass Microsoft for Most Evil Corporation. Make no mistake - these boxes aren't there for your convenience. You are paying Amazon or Google to collect your conversations, emails, purchases, and whatever else it can mine.

• there was a police call today described as vehicle vs building. I wonder which one won.

Are you ready for more happy privacy news?
On the heels of the discovery that Securus was providing/selling cell phone tracking information to police, another company, LocationSmart, had an online feature that would, with the user's permission, give you their location information. However, and there is always a however, a Carnegie Mellon University PhD (Piled High and Deep) candidate discovered that you didn't have to use credentials at all to get the information. The feature was very accurate, from 100 yards to a mile. It was removed from the website.

They also store other technical data such as speed, heading, and IP address information among others, to provide accurate geo-targeted promotions for marketers, IoT assets, and tracking of business personnel in the field.

Now read that again.

We have at least two companies that track your cellphone. One did it quietly, without a warrant. One asked for your permission. Wanna bet there aren't more? It stores all sorts of information for marketing and tracking. No one is trying to hide it.... this is already built-in, unlike security. 

And this, me hearties, is how the system is going to fail everybody except its owners. In a mad rush to track and store all information possible on you, all sorts of sneaky projects will get launched, with all sorts of bugs. The ability to validate input (limiting input and making sure it can't fake the system) is junior level programming. 

Then there's Internet of Things (IoT). Because security is an afterthought here too, your light bulbs can be the way hackers get into your network. There is no serious use for internet-connected light bulbs. Or your toaster won't toast because your internet is down and it can't contact its server for updates. Or because some junior level programmer forgot the safety controls.

The Remaining Rant is that nothing that's happening is a real secret and hasn't happened before, in some variation. We've known about hacking forever, long before the personal computer was around. With each new technology, it seems we failed to learn the basic issues from the previous cycle. Plus the data hoarding is out of control. And you're paying for the privilege of being tracked.

• Isn't it cool that you can come for the sarcasm and stay for the security news? Please don't answer that.

Our president has taken the unprecedented step of making Twitter his official announcement platform. As is his wont, he blocked a number of people. As is their wont, seven of them sued under the Knight First Amendment Institute at Columbia University. Two courts upheld the sevens' opinion, on First Amendment grounds. The courts held that, since Twitter is the official announcement platform, blocking them results in a violation of their First Amendment rights

"is a kind of digital town hall in which the president and his aides use the tweet function to communicate news and information to the public, and members of the public use the reply function to respond to the president and his aides and exchange views with one another”

I didn't expect this to go to First Amendment, especially the right to shoot replies to an elected official. Perhaps being excluded from the announcements, though. This can be remedied by not logging in to Twitter.   In addition, it would be smarter to mute these people, rather than block them. Muting shuts down any tweets from the muted individual and they are not aware of it.

Opinion:
I concur with the decision, but it's so ridiculously small a point...

The idea of "exchanging views with one another" is complete nonsense. These people are just butthurt that they can't be total assholes in their replies to the president. They happened to find a legal loophole that will allow them to sue and direct more negative attention to Trump. It's a pretty smart ploy.

Have you seen some of the crap directed at Trump on Twitter?
By way of observation, no other president had to deal with this level of nasty, down to death threats. Whether or not you agree with him.
As with most matters, I'm inclined to go with the law.

• Hillary Clinton says she wants to be the CEO of Faceyspaces because it's the largest source of news in the world. I think it's a match made in heaven. Zuckerberg is quietly evil; Hillary is overtly evil. Faceyspaces is in the middle evil. In addition to the largest source of news, it's the largest database of what people had to eat (with pictures), cat gifs, and when they're going on vacation (while listing their home address). It's the front page of the NSA - who better than Hillary to be in charge?

The good news: scientists have discovered the next superfood

More good news: it's non-dairy

Potentially bad news: it's cockroach milk crystals.

Question: Do you want to milk them?

• Seattle mussels have tested positive for opioids.
• Seattle Mussels is a football team, right?

Molestation, Thy Name is Weinstein

Good old Harvey is back in the news, as if he ever left.

He was arraigned on rape and criminal sex charges. 

What that means is that someone put reigns on him for some sex that was so good, it was criminal.

As a result, he must wear an electric monitor.

On his dick?

He posted a $1 million bail, because the judge did not want to see him in a place like jail. It's horrible there.. 

he'd be likely to become a participant in some rape and criminal sex.

Harvey's lawyer, in a well thought out strategy, said that Harvey didn't invent the casting couch. 

THAT was his defense? He didn't invent it. He sure as hell took good advantage of it.

• Another day, another school shooting. Does it occur to anyone that these things are coming fast and furious? That they're too close together to be statistically probable?

An Indian man needed a six inch shower head removed from his rectum. because he slipped and fell on it.  Ummmm..... let us ponder the mechanics of this, shall we? Your typical shower head exists at a level of roughly six feet. If this fellow slipped, he should be in the Olympics, as some sort of gymnast/contortionist. So he slipped and either turned around 270 degrees or slipped and levitated about four feet. His target accuracy was exemplary. The doctors removed the foreign object with gentle anal stretching. Perhaps the gentleman went to the emergency room for this procedure. Fortunately the piece of plumbing lodged up there came out easily, as the fellow fell on a bottle of lube before falling on the errant shower head. The article features x-rays, so you should get on over there.

• Chelsea Manning says mass surveillance is 'getting worse'
• With insight like that, the NSA should snap her up immediately. We can't afford to have her fall into the arms of the Russians.

Sexism in Hockey

A student activist group at the University of Michigan is demanding a 'No Whites Allowed' space.  Gee, this sounds an awful lot like... hmmm... what's that word? Oh yeah, racism. Martin Luther King is spinning...

• Very interesting article on three types of propaganda (Russia, China, and Milo) and how to counter them.

Someone (I can't get to the link) thinks white men should pay 5% more taxes because of their white privilege. I think we've reached Peak Stupidity. Or at least I hope we have. Personally, I gave up on this when I couldn't get a right-handed privilege tax enacted.

• Cool program alert: Privazer. This runs under Windows (boo) and cleans up a lot of garbage, from the Recycle Bin to temp files to Win and IE history. There is also a portable version, which doesn't technically install, for PCs you don't have install rights to (of course we never do this).

Over 820,000 user accounts were exposed, as well as potentially every voice communication recorded by a breach at CloudPets. Why?  An unsecured (no password!) database was discovered. The company was alerted multiple times from December 2016 onwards and did nothing.

Hmmm... what happens when you connect something (for children) to the internet and ok it recording everything you say? It records everything you say and sends it up to a server, which gets hacked, whether from gross incompetence (like not passwording your database) or general hacking.

I. Told. You. So.
It gives me no joy to say that.
Who am I kidding... there's nothing quite like an 'I told you so'.

Whether it's kids' toys, Alexa/Echo/Siri/Google stuff you put on your table or in your house or your cell phone to talk to.. this is what is going to happen. Also, every bit of data will be mined and used 'to make advertising more relevant'. And possibly mined by 'other' companies.

• What's next on the Fail Parade?  Air France, with its login password being 4-6 characters, NOT to include special characters. 4-6 character passwords? That's a Nope, Captain.

Ack - FURRIES!

It is not ours to judge.

It is ours to point and laugh hysterically.

• Congrats are in order for Carlos Santana and Joe Walsh, who won Vintage Guitar Magazine's User Award.

Actor Bill Paxton passed, from complications of an operation.

• A car plowed into a Mardi Gras parade in Gulf Shores, Alabama, sending eleven children from the marching band to the hospital (3 critical). I am not fond of marching bands either, but I just don't watch them. It never occurred to me to mow them down.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I'm relating this strictly for amusement. All will be well:

It's been a highly interesting few weeks/months. With all the drama surrounding my mom and the Furry One, it's been a whirlwind.

• Marshall has had ear issues for months. We finally got him to the Doggie Dermatologist, who scheduled a procedure under anesthesia. Marshall went under and his O2 sat dropped (technical thingie meaning Something Bad Happened). They brought him back up, having barely started on an ear. Now he needs diagnostic work from the regular vet to figure out why this happened, then back to surgery again. He has pain medicine, which works well.
• The hole in the large pipe in the basement was patched in short order and remains solid.
• Car #1 went for inspection, will take a week, cost half what we expected.
• Car #2 waits for inspection, runs flawlessly
• We now have an 'interesting' leak in the roof. Insurance will take care of it.
• Mom is a bit fragile, but nowhere near as batshit as before.

What doesn't kill you probably makes you hurt a lot.

Knock Someone Out for Boxing Day

A nice and considerate new reader pointed out that this blog hurt her eyes (which was only fifty percent of my intention when 'designing' it). That the image of ThermionicEmissions remained emblazoned on her retina, making it difficult to see the next site she went to. This is great news... everyone who leaves this blog will see it in front of them for a short (or long) period of time! If a reader trips and goes down on his eyes, heaven forbid, the image of ThermionicEmissions may be the last thing he sees. Or it might be the only thing he sees for the rest of his life.  Do I need to rethink this?

• One way to introduce invasive new technology is to put it in sports stadiums; where fans have already proved they will swallow humongous ticket prices, fifty dollar parking, regular player strikes, and state money paying for the stadiums. Fingerprint and iris scanners are in place in several stadiums, as a kind of line-bypass, like our friends at the TSA offer pre-screened fliers (and now some stadiums) - because metal detectors and bag checks weren't enough. In addition to identification, this allows tracking of fan behavior and purchasing habits, raking in even more money for the stadiums. To add insult to injury, you will pay $179 for this privilege. Yo, sports fans... bend over... again. It's for the children.

A New York to France flight had to be diverted because the toilets on the 767 were all broken. With all of the in-flight backups airplanes have (all systems in triplicate), in the end it was toilets that grounded the plane. It's shit like this that makes passengers mad.

• Last night was the Kennedy Honors. Among others, the Eagles were celebrated. At one point, Steve Vai joined others for a note-for-note rendition of Hotel California. As much fun as this was, the real attraction was watching the stone-faced Eagles and the outgoing president at times.

This past year has had no shortage of hilarity emanating from California. Guess what... the year isn't over yet! The San Francisco police union is suing the city for the right to choke citizens and kill fleeing drivers, citing the recent overseas attacks where vehicles were used. Because the "new policy will hinder officers' ability protect themselves and the public from killers behind the wheel."

They coulda just said It's for the children. Knowing California, it's a small miracle that they didn't outlaw trucks and cars.

The next piece of legislation will require police to identify lawbreakers and give them a ride home or to a Safe Space of their choosing because we wouldn't want to hurt their feelings or make assumptions as to their race, color, what species they identify as, or sexual orientation.

• As if enough people had not left the planet in 2016 thus far, someone took advantage to hack Britney Spears' Twitter account to post a poorly-worded tweet, allegedly from Sony, that she expired. To back this up, they hacked Bob Dylan's Twitter account to send condolences. And just a few days left in 2016...
• Speaking of death, there is a Kickstarter to raise money for a person to guard Betty White. He will guard her in any way necessary. If Mrs White decides this service is not necessary, all the money donated will go to a designated theater charity. Noting Betty's ability to stay alive thus far, I don't think she'll need any help.

A Tacoma, WA. Cheesecake Factory refused to serve some armed police officers recently. One of the officers posted this to Cheesecake's Faceyspaces page, prompting a statement from Corporate, apologizing for the mixup and blaming it on the restaurant manager's misunderstanding of the policy, which stated that uniformed and armed officers were allowed to possess arms. I guess the manager mixed up allowed to posess arms with not allowed to possess arms. Heh heh, simple mixup anyone could make. It's like celebrity death: Britney Spears is dead. Oh wait, we got that statement mixed up with Britney Spears is not dead. A simple mixup.

• There is a place in Asia called Johor Baru. This is less important that the fact that a man there is seeking a refund for an exorcism, because the exorcist failed to drive off the spirits afflicting his father. Hey, do you suppose we can get refunds for wives and other relatives?

One cannot, and I can't emphasize this strongly enough, eat a steak sandwich with a straw. Along these same lines; no, I don't want to go to the doctor tomorrow to see your ear wax. These were two things that happened today and I am not going to say anything more.

First selfie with found object - 1940

Concert Tickets

This is an incredibly busy concert season. In fact, it's the busiest season I've ever seen. So many great tours that it's a matter of selecting which we can and can't go to.

I have tickets for Generation Axe and am going with a raft of metalhead guitar players and one wife.
Life would not be complete without Jeff Beck and Buddy Guy.
And next on the stage is the last time on the stage for Black Sabbath.

I have no real feelings about Black Sabbath. Tony Iommi, their guitar player, is a lefty, which is always nice. Wife, however, is NUTS about Ozzy and grew up with Sabbath. All I remember about that time is hanging around with my dirtball, pot-smoking friends and listening to music. I don't remember a lot and it had nothing to do with pot. Or anything else.

So we 'needed' Black Sabbath tickets.
I have a sneaky technique when I don't want to do something: tell Wife she's responsible for researching and procuring it. She'll generally forget and I'm off the hook. Wife keeps asking ME to do it. I remind Wife, frequently, that it's HER job. Wife, who generally forgets, manages to forget it's her job. And eventually I get stuck with it. Wife is much smarter than me (although her taste in men is suspicious).

So she seeks to relive teenhood, as if she could remember much of it anyway (dissociative disorders can leave large memory holes). And again, it's my job. It's funny... she never thinks the internet is going to bite her except when it involves purchasing tickets. She nas NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER with Amazon. In fact, Amazon calls her to see if she's alright if she hasn't ordered something in two days. The upshot (where did that word come from?) is that I have to go online and purchase something(s) *by which I mean that I have absolutely NO memory of the last time I tried to go online and purchase something(s)*.

Things are a little different in my house, which is akin to saying that things are a little different in Syria. I always forget that ordering online involves four browsers, much patience (which I lack in the extreme) and much yelling (which I am most proficient at). The first thing these heartless bastards require is the nightmare known as Internet Explorer. The evil beauty of this is that they neglect to TELL you this, so you're forced to find it out the hard way. This task is made more difficult because there's no Internet Explorer on linux (thankfully).

I have no less than four browsers (maybe more) in various stages of lockdown for this very event. And no matter which of the four I use (sometimes all four), something goes wrong. Generally browsing occurs with Firefox, which is locked down so well that even web pages can't get through. When I know there is going to be a purchase, I open Browser #2. When Browser #2 fails, which it always does, I use Browser #3, which has no restrictions whatsoever (PLEASE HACK ME!!). Even this does not satisfy the site fully, although it sometimes allows me to purchase something.

Finding tickets is always an interesting process. Generally the site won't let me see the venue or seating until I tell the bastards to just go ahead and find me some seats. After the seats come up, I always allow for a loud exclamation and several moments' loss of consciousness after I've seen the prices. This is not the Final Tour, this is the Final Cash-In. Why am I complaining - I'm seeing the final Sabbath tour! It's only one hundred fifty dollars per seat - a bargain at half the price.

This was only a prelude: the real fun comes when it's time to pay. Having selected the seats (after a quick remortgage), I am given a 9 minute timer in which to complete my transaction before the tickets are released for sale. No problem - I type quickly and I have a Stubmonger account (but still  pressure). Go ahead - try to sign in. I have a password vault so I never forget passwords. Plug them in and BZZT - wrong password. It's not the wrong password, stupid, it's the one I always use. No matter, his the FORGOT PASSWORD link, which takes me to a page that says SOMETHING HAPPENED and nothing else. Ah, progress (in that there is nowhere to go).

It does tell me that I can use my Ticketmonger account, which somehow lets me in, like a magic mushroom of sorts. I fill out all the necessary information (including mortgage account) and SUBMIT. Oops - it didn't like something. Unfortunately I did not have a Need To Know what it didn't like, so I had to guess. Ah, no place for my MasterVisa - only branded cards. Fantastic! Yelling! The little clock says six minutes. Pressure!

The card type was incorrect because I had no indication it scrolled. Way to make your page readable in any browser, kids. After yelling some more and cursing the thieving bastards for their very existence, I filled out the rest of the information. Three hundred dollars. Wife had better be EXTRA NICE to me for the rest of the year, at very least.

But wait! If you buy now, you have seven delivery options, from printing your own (a $3 surcharge) to two day delivery ($49.95) all the way down to Send Me The F-ing Tickets In The Mail (only $5 each). More screaming. I am not sure how this happened, perhaps New Math, but the total was $350. Somebody is making Big Bucks because they're forcing us to PAY Big Bucks.

Apparently Wife's fear of purchasing tickets is way worse than thirty minutes of listening to me scream, curse, and make several things airborne.

And it ain't over yet, because there's still Joe Walsh/Bad Co and Peter Frampton/Skynyrd.
Oops, yes, it IS over... Walsh is $150 per seat and Frampton is $125 per seat.

One way or the other, you'll probably hear me from your house.

Help Save the Texas Prairie Chicken

In Backwards World: at the recent Democrat debate, Hillary interrupted Bernie. Bernie told Hillary that he was not done speaking yet. The social media-sphere went crazy, proclaiming Bernie sexist for interrupting Hillary.

• Rescuers are still valiantly searching for Flight MH370. Huffing and puffing. Using their best people. They remain hopeful.

I'm going to go ahead and be un-PC, as if this blog were anything else, and state flat out that Curvy Barbie is NOT curvy; she's fat. The fact is, skinny and average women can be curvy, yet larger women seek to co-opt the term. I don't care what size you are and if you claim it's a preference or result of some malady... facts are facts. Big is big.

• Today we celebrate International Women's Day. Also International Breast Awareness Month. Also International Higgs Bosom Month.
• Apparently it's also National Pancake Day. Another incursion by the Pancake Lobby.

So how about that Trump?  You have to be doing something right when your entire party is conspiring to beat you in the election. Like him or hate him, he's made waves.

In other election-related news, Michael Bloomberg will not be running for president. Essentially this means our large sodas are now safe.

• Sportscaster Erin Andrews has won $55 million in a lawsuit over illegally taping her in the nude. Man, I can't even get my wife to tape me (not that she's got a spare $55 mil laying around).

Ex-Rolling Stone Bill Wyman has been diagnosed with cancer. Hopefully he'll be ok. Cancer has been getting way too many headlines these days, including a brother-in-law.

In other music news, AC/DC is rapidly approaching Lynyrd Skynyrd status in terms of luck. Their drummer is accused of murder, a guitarist developed early dementia, and now their singer is close to complete hearing loss. The tour has been canceled for some reason.

In even more music news, this time very good, Joe Walsh and the original Bad Company have announced they're touring. For info, go to joewalsh.com or pollstar.com. See you there.

• Further proving absolutely nothing goes unpunished, Boston bombing survivor Victoria McGrath has died in a car crash.

The US gun industry want to have silencers reclassified as hearing protection devices. I fully support the Second Amendment, but this is pretty funny.

• Apparently a football player called Peyton Manning has retired. Naturally I don't follow sports but I recently saw a picture of him. I truly want to know if his forehead was Photoshopped. You can run movies on it.

It's a shame that the World Anti-Doping Association doesn't go after the real dopes. Meanwhile, if Maria Sharapova feels really bad, we are here for (immoral) support.

• Kardashian: it's not body-shaming to point out that your ass is the size of Texas.

A man has been arrested in the shooting of a pastor who just led prayer at some politician's rally. Let's say it was Cruz's, because he wants to rule a theocracy. Any normal person would abhor shooting an innocent man. But there were mitigating circumstances: the shooter said the pastor was a Martian and was destroying his life. 

And speaking of shootings, the leader of the occupation of an Oregon wildlife refuge was shot three times in the back, as well as many others. The FBI can't account for some of the shots. The county prosecutor called the shooting "justified and necessary:" Like RFK, I guess.

• Black feminists at the University of Missouri feel their Safe Spaces invaded by feminists who aren't 'black enough'. This school will shortly eat itself.

A tissue thought to be from an airplane washed up on the British shore yesterday.  This might be tied to similar tissues on Flight MH370.

• I'm flummoxed but this week a gun killed someone, a car drove into a pole, and the Elvis estate is suing a Las Vegas casino. It's been a banner week for inanimate action!

COPS is filmed before a live studio audience

• When it really needs to be out of this world, the pros use linux. On the International Space Station there are seven laptops running linux-based software. On the Russian Segment, there are about seven laptops, which are also linux-based. The Curiosity rover, doing its thing on Mars, is remote-controlled with the help of a linux machine from Earth.

I learned about haggis from the source that taught me most important things in life: Monty Python. In spite of the fact that I urge you not to click on the link, curiosity will get the best of you (and you will live to regret it). Haggis is a Scottish dish and the Scots have been trying forever to get haggis into the US market; the problem being that sheep lungs are banned from being imported.  Sheep lungs. Say it slowly.. s-h-e-e-p  l-u-n-g-s. Savor it. This delectibly delightful main ingredient has been on the no-no list since 1971. The Scots are suggesting that the recipe be 'tweaked' to allow import to the US - we owe this to our Scottish brothers.  What do you suppose is a similar experience to sheep lungs? Goat intestine? Elephant brains? Eye of newt?


Students demand and receive resignation of University of Missouri president. Students further demand that Niger change its name because it's racist.

•  Movies: I don't do movies often, possibly because I have the attention span of a gnat. Somehow I managed to take in the latest Mission Impossible, the one co-starring Simon Pegg. Lots of great action, as one would expect (and I'm not a Tom Cruise fan). Also an unexpected bit of fun called Rikki and the Flash. Try to imagine Meryl Streep as an aging rocker, fronting a band in a dingy bar, with all sorts of family issues. She's a hell of an actress.

Smartphone injuries: 43% of people have walked into something while glued to their screen, while 60% have dropped their phone onto their face while reading. And this is before selfie-related injuries (SRI). 16% have fallen off gym equipment, 44% burned themselves ironing, 35% tripped over their pet, 28% hammered fingers, 27% fell off curb and 27% walked into a glass door.

• Russia is denying reports about state sponsored athletic doping. This is the difference between Russia and the US: Russia uses dope - America puts them on tv.

The Missouri University Police Department has urged students to report any hateful speech they encounter on campus.

• A change in sense of humor can signal a sign of impending dementia. Symptoms include laughing inappropriately at tragic events, loss of inhibition, and more impulsivity. Many developed a dark sense of humor.  Well, folks... see you the next time around - it's been grand. I gotta go soil myself.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is visiting President Obama to mend US-Israel ties. They both agreed that a few billion more in financial aid should do it for the time being. University of Missouri students march, demanding Obama take sensitivity training.

• SeaWorld is going to replace the 'Shamu' killer whale show in San Diego. Kim Kardashian's ass not available for comment. BaZINGa.

The president is coming dangerously close to fulfilling a campaign promise, requiring immediate attention. The promise to close Guantanamo Bay is controversial, but the president has come through again: he has promised to close the prison and send all the inmates to Dick Cheney's basement. A brief poll of inmates reveals that they have no problem with Guantanamo Bay at all, thank you, and look forward to spending the rest of their lives there. University of Missouri students march, demanding free waterboarding.

• Do you own a Vizio smart tv? It is the worst spying offender yet. The tv that watches you back.

OK Faceyspaces users:  Facebook has decided it doesn't pester its users enough, so it's going to use its facial recognition technology as the basis of a new nag-screen.  The ad network is testing a feature in its Android app that will scan a user's recent images for photos that look like their friends. If it spots a match, it'll ask if the photos should be shared with other people in them. It is being tested on the Australians first.  Just thought you'd want to know.

• President Obama says he didn't break his promise by sending ground troops to Syria. Because when he said, "No boots on the ground," what he meant was, "JFK was the first Jewish president". It was a simple misunderstanding.

Hassan Rouhani, Iran's president, said that US-Iran ties could be restored but the US must apologize. And when choosing for sports, the US must wait til after the Fat Kid gets picked. University of Missouri students march, demanding the US create a 'safe space' for Iran.

• Sony is ceasing production of Betamax tape. Stock up!

• High Thermionics: You should NOT take micro-doses of LSD while you're at work. Who could have seen that coming?
• Dolphins get high on puffer fish and pass them around. Don't bogart that puffie.
• Catnip only works on 70-80% of cats. University of Missouri students march, demanding catnip work on ALL cats. But only the black ones.
• When you give drugs to spiders, unusual web patterns ensue. So don't give drugs to spiders.

From an alien viewpoint, we are a primitive society whose major activity is tribal warfare - Stanton Friedman, father of ufo research

• In case you haven't had your sugar for the month, Ihop has Caramel Bon Bon pancakes. I'm a chocolate guy but these things were really good. Think caramel topped pancakes with creamy, sweet globs between them. One bite and you'll spit out your pancreas. University of Missouri students march, demand Free Ihop Franchise per Student.

MUSIC AND POLITICS?


Here's a timely tune called Vote for Me, by Joe Walsh. It was released a long time ago but some wag added pictures, featuring special guests Vermin Supreme, Ron Paul, and Pat Paulsen (for you old folks). The lyrics are written out. Enjoy some reality hilarity.

Definitely Maybe

Bohemian Rhapsody celebrates its 40th birthday on October 31.  Queen guitarist Brian May still rocks out to it in his car. How was it made? I'm glad you asked. From Freddie's concept to the stages of recording to video to radioplay to live performance, it's a great story.

• Somebody call Goodyear!  A $2.7 billion Department of Defense unmanned blimp got loose and floated over Pennsylvania for a few hours (and when I say 'got loose', I mean it got confirmed shot down). The purpose of the balloon is to detect a missile attack, although Spy Machine is certainly another mission. To keep things interesting, the steel mooring cable dragged along for the ride, shorting out power wherever it went along the way. A recent investigation by the Baltimore Sun found the program "hobbled by defective software, vulnerability to bad weather and poor reliability." Apparently this is not a new phenomenon - they have gotten loose in Afghanistan on a number of occasions. IT'S COMING FOR US. AND OUR WALLETS!

A West Virginia [uh-oh] assistant prosecuting attorney has been suspended for pulling a pistol on fake spiders decorating his office. In my professional capacity as an amateur blogger, I suggest that this man's meds be re-evaluated.

• lefty has a credit card with a $5,000 limit. lefty has run smack into the limit. lefty calls the credit card company and negotiates, over seven days, a new limit of $7,500. lefty fully plans to spend up to the new limit and start the entire routine again in six months, claiming he'll pay his balance down (with a wink).  Congratulations! lefty has just explained the national debt and what Congress just did in passing its 'budget'.

There is now a Zombie Disease.  Called Cotard's Syndrome, it makes a person think they're dead. Why the hell can't we have a disease that makes people stop taking selfies? Where Cotard's makes people think they have no brain, the new syndrome installs a proper-size brain. Come to think of it, I used to walk up to automatic doors and they wouldn't open. I wonder if I'm a zombie....

• An Italian doctor has been suspended from practicing in the UK after failing an English language test. In America, we promote them.

Apparently the Chinese targeted Anthem Healthcare to learn about US healthcare.  What's there to learn? Pay a lot of money to a huge corporation with solid political ties. The corporation then tries (and succeeds) not to pay a single cent in compensation. What's so complicated?

•   Hundreds of immigrant families caught illegally crossing the Mexican border told U.S. immigration agents they made the dangerous journey in part because they believed they would be permitted to stay in the United States and collect public benefits, according to internal intelligence files from the Homeland Security Department.

The school president of the University of Louisville, KY, has apologized for staff wearing Hispanic halloween costumes.  Apparently putting on a sombrero is racist and the entire staff now has to take diversity training. Colleges now designating Halloween costume sensitivity consultants.  Scottish Diversity Committee has decreed a no-kilt policy.  Jewish Anti-defamation League forbids rabbi costumes. Paranormal Response Group says NO GHOSTS.  ACLU is suing, claiming bias against witches and pagans in general. Muslims offended over birkas. Christians say ignore halloween. In fact, the only group that isn't complaining is the American Dental Association.

In other news, Walmart has its own SWAT team to prevent 'embarrassing' Halloween costumes from hitting the shelves.

• Robot buses are coming to America!  The only question is how they will get the buses to drive as poorly as human bus drivers. Can you program a bus to go through a red light?  The buses are made in France, so at least they'll be full of disdain for American bus-riders.

It's better to burn out than it is to rust?  My wife came to me, in an upset state, to inform me that our stove was rusting. Of course our stove was rusting - it's been so quiet lately. Technically she's correct; that little panel under the display has rust spots. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? Well, you can take it off, scrape and sand the entire thing down and repaint it, perhaps in your spare time. As for me, it's on my list, but waaaaaay down at the bottom, under dusting.

• You know that feeling of relief you get when you drive through an intersection and the light changes, but you made it ok?  Relief always turns to outrage when you check your rearview mirror and find that another car went right through the light and is just about inside your trunk. Bastards!

China wishes to remind its citizens that the new Two Child Policy goes into effect in March, therefore the One Child Policy is in effect until then. American math, hopefully similar to Chinese math, indicates that prospective parents can start fucking now: whatever arrives will do so after March.

• Japan and Korea have agreed to accelerate talks to resolve a row about Korean women forced to work in Japanese brothels during World War Two. Reportedly, Japan has offered to return them to Korea no later than this weekend.

Hacking group Anonymous is planning to reveal the identities of 1,000 KKK members, as obtained from the Twitter account of a clan member.  Wait - the KKK has computers?

• Sometimes a man can get in trouble, through no fault of his own. Like when your girlfriend answers with a simple hello, and you're in the shower and it's your wife on the phone - Joe Walsh, Certain Situations.

Hero of the Great Unwashed, Mark Dice, has another video, this time asking Hillary supporters if they support Sharia (Muslim) law in the US. And you know they do....

PRIVACY:  A popular iDevice encryption app has just been released for android.  I figure if Edward Snowden uses it, it should be good enough for me. It's called Signal and is available from the Play Store.  I'll assume none of us has information that's so critical it needs to be encrypted. But this isn't about criticality; this is about the right to privacy.. the right to NOT have your communications intercepted and put in a file somewhere for future use. I'm using it now.

Definitely Maybe?
My hero, Jeff Beck, released Definitely Maybe way back in 1972, on the Jeff Beck Group album. This is a wonderful instrumental. The thing that really does it for me, theme aside, is the multiple guitar tracks during the 'verse'. The way they're stacked and play off each other is really interesting and musically satisfying; for lack of better term, well-orchestrated (specifically at the end). It is also the only known (to me) use of a slide with a wah pedal.  The more than able keyboardsmanship comes courtesy of Max Middleton, who did most of the keyboards up to about Blow by Blow. Great stuff - it's a shame he's not with Jeff Today. As this is from an album, you'll hear a bit of click. Enjoy!

Dog Training

He Was Threatening to Hurt Himself So We Shot Him

You will be relieved to know that Pussy Galore is back in a new 007 novel. Or, as it used to be pronounced, Pushy Galore.

• As if the race to the 2016 presidential election weren't hilarious enough, Rick Santorum has thrown his bible into the ring. This embarrassment hails from Pennsylvania, my adopted home state (I'm Martian-American). Santorum, a Christian Conservative, is against abortion, gay marriage and sanity. If you want to keep your woman in the kitchen, vote for Rick.

The North Korean Defense Chief was just exectuted. A lot of people naysay the impact and importance of regular executions.

• Nasa's Messenger spacecraft recently ended its mission by slamming into Mercury. If there is indeed any intelligence watching our planet, they're not getting a good picture of us. Just a few years ago, we bombed our own moon.

Formerly secret Scotland Yard files reveal that the UK police feared that Trekkies could turn on society. Set phasers on stupid, Spock.

• Don't look now but there's a lawsuit against Yahoo for reading email. Surprise surprise... after the news that Google reads your Gmail, now we find out that Yahoo reads not only your Yahoo email, but email sent to Yahoo addresses. Remember: if the service is free, your privacy is the price.

The European Food Safety Authority has decreed that more than five cups of espresso can be dangerous to your health.  I suspect that the danger would result from bouncing off walls. If you drink more than five cups of espresso, you've got bigger problems anyway.

• The other day my ears came alive after I heard my wife say "You're too big - I can't take it all." She was talking to her dinner plate.

I just came across this... great words from Archbishop Desmond Tutu:

It doesn’t matter where we worship or what we call God; there is only one, inter-dependent human family. We are born for goodness, to love – free of prejudice. All of us, without exception. There is greater commonality in our belief systems than we tend to credit, a golden thread expressed in the maxim that one should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.

LISTEN HERE

Joe Walsh is without a doubt the clown prince of rock and roll. Brought in to ease tensions in the Eagles, Joe did that and more. Some of you may remember him from his days in the James Gang, featuring their 1971 hit, Walk Away. Aside from being hysterical, Joe is a great guitar player and has written some rock classics and some softer stuff that rarely sees the light of day.

Famous for his musical antics as well as his substance abuse, Joe recently got clean and has done some good work, notably his latest release, Analog Man. Check out Family.

Here's Joe at the Crossroads Festival, performing his well-known Funk #49. You'll notice that the bass player suspiciously resembles Duck Dunn and the other guitarist looks like Steve Cropper, both of Booker T and the MGs. The beginning of the song is not what you think it is.

One of my many favorite Joe Walsh tunes is At the Station. It's even better with headphones, as you can hear the Leslie whirring from one side to the other. The harmonized guitars make the song. Enjoy!

Joe Walsh - Analog Man

I'm a big Joe Walsh fan from way back.

It's rare to find a rock star who shares so many of my passions: tone, tubes, lunacy, ham radio, guitars, and writing.  It's also rare to locate a writer whose melodies stick inside my head in a forever kind of way.

We haven't heard any solo Joe since 1992's Songs for a Dying Planet, which would be our loss.  Joe's back with Analog Man, which was, of course, recorded digitally.  The title refers to being an analog man in a digital world.  There's a great line about having to ask a ten year old how to operate something.

Joe has loosely joined the extended Beatles family by marrying Ringo's sister-in-law (or something like that).  Ringo appears on two tracks.  But nothing says Beatles like being produced by the Invisible Beatle, Jeff Lynne.  Usually Jeff's sterling production is stamped all over the songs in a very sonically apparent way.  Fortunately this is not the case here.  Don't get me wrong - I like Jeff Lynne as a musician, writer, singer, and player.  And occasionally a producer - he has done some great work.  One Day at a Time is pretty heavy Jeff.  The combination of the acoustic guitars and too heavily compressed clean guitars leaves no room for guessing.

So what's new?  Joe has stopped drinking.  You can tell from the song titles and a bit of listening that he is a happy ex-drunk: Family illustrates this well but not in an over-the-top way.

I got on the mailing list so they notified me that today was the official release.  Joe himself will be appearing in New York, but unfortunately at an Apple store.  If I go anywhere near an Apple store, I may melt and don't want to take that chance.  My browser broke last time I had to go to apple.com and I'm still trying to clean out the smoke.

What I'm looking for from the new release is the same thing I'm looking for from any Joe Walsh music: some tunes that will not leave my head.  Melodies that get stuck and will be replayed forever, like Indian Summer and At the Station.

Want some familiar, radio-friendly Joe?  Funk #50 would be your tune, complete with hooks you might already know.


Joe: thanks for being part of the soundtrack to my life.  Stop by when you're in Philthydelphia (no dates scheduled) or drop me a line.  We'll talk tubes and you can try to convince me to learn code  :)