OMG, I Can't Even, Fam

Language is weird.
Stuff sometimes crosses from social media to the real world.
It's really sad for people who rarely venture into social media, and people who do venture into social media. In fact, it's sad for everybody.

I'm sitting there, minding my own business, as I tend to do a lot, when I hear "O. M. G. I can't believe it."

Excuse me?

O. M. G. I can't believe it.

You don't say OMG in real life. You say Oh My God. OMG is a shortener so you can fit more words in a text. And because many people can't spell Oh My God.

Nu-uh.

[I strap myself in, sensing this is going to be a long chat]
I'm just trying to help. If you say OMG outside the house, people will think you're....  a little slow.

Nu-uh.

[This is going to be worse than I thought.]
Have you been on social media recently?

No.

Then where are you getting this stuff?

Nowhere. I'm not tellin.

It's daytime tv, isn't it?

I'm not telling.

It's that 6' tall black woman, with the size FFF implants, who looks like Frankenstein, right?

Don't pick on Wendy - she's hip.

She must be - she says OMG.

Hey - she have the down-low on the high-ups. She dishes. OMG - did you see her yesterday?

No, I was having elective dental surgery. I don't care what she says. The show is a close competitor to TMZ for worst show on tv, 1954-present.

What EVER.

Are you auditioning for a Disney sitcom?

No. You're a hater.

That's old news, Bae.

Well, yesterday on the show, she said, right after she said OMG, that...

I don't really want to know what she said, and I'm working on something right now, so could you please give me a few minutes?

Well, she said OMG, Fam, you need to see this picture of....

Excuse me. EXCUSE me. EXCUSE ME.

What?

I asked you very nicely for just a few minutes.

I was just sayin'..

Yes, of course you were just sayin'  - you won't stop just sayin'

But I was just sayin'

[Writing this phrase down as a probable issue]
Can I please just have a few minutes of silence, while I finish this proposal for world peace? It's kind of important.

Whatevs.

[Dear Lord, from the top of this bit til now, they updated it. This will not end well.]


-->a few minutes of silence later <---


Thank you - Kissinger and the trilaterals want that by midnight.
Did you hear what Wendy said today?

No.

She said she's not going to say OMG anymore, cuz that's so last week.

Shut up.

No, I saw her.

Nu-uh. Stop spreading lies.

They showed the clip of it on TMZ.

You trippin.

Nope. Just sayin...


Announcer: Tune in next week, when our darling precocious child keeps trying to explain what 'fly' means, to an adult who keeps telling her it's what you do on a plane.

• Rosario Dawson came out as LGBT+ in a new interview.
• Does this mean she's all of them or just one?
• How will this affect Cory Booker?
• Does this make her hotter or notter?

I have this strange admiration for Jimmy Carter. Not as a president - as a human being. As a wish, 10 year old cancer survivor Jimmy Carter (yes) got to meet the more senior and more former presidential Jimmy Carter. They both had cancer, they both have the same name, and younger Carter was co-president of his school. Senior Carter is a gentleman who walks the walk, teaching Sunday School.

“The secret of freedom lies in educating people, whereas the secret of tyranny is in keeping them ignorant.”   - Maximilien Robespierre

I pick on SJWs, as I should.
Now I'm asking you to read this story about sexual harassment.
It isn't from some crazed feminist harpie; it's from a coder, recently employed at Uber. This poor lady got it from all angles, from college all the way to Uber. When she looked for help, none was forthcoming. When she finally blew the whistle on the widespread misdeeds at Uber, you can guess what happened. As with government whistleblowers, she suffered greatly.

I was getting ready to do an Uber rant, but the article said it better: "..the contempt with which the employees were treated mirrored the contempt with which the customers were treated" (mine would have mentioned rape and killing).

• If you need a laugh, just remember; Disney owns the domain name “Muppet F**ker”

Question on college:

Daughter #1 receives nice letter from Yale saying to apply. Includes cost calculator. Cost for her is $306,000. 

If she invests 306k and surfs for 30 years she ends up with 2.5 million (age 48) 5 mill at 56 and easy 10mil at 65.  Why would she pick Yale?

One blind, aquatic salamander may have sat mostly still for seven years

-continues to represent Pennsylvania in Congress.

• One of the reasons I predict Nothing Good from the Internet of Things was illustrated the other day, when a 'connected' car in California couldn't reach its server and would not start. Would. Not. Start. Every other car in the multiverse starts with a key. IoT cars require phoning home before they start. This has also happened with kitchen appliances. Now add the lack of security and you start to see what's going to happen. It's a very slow motion train wreck.

Crown Royal has done a great job, branding itself as a special, high-end whiskey (wheskey if you're a Scot). You even get that boffo blue velvet bag-like thing. I remember when I was tiny, I made a Crown Royal for my grandfather, when he got home from work. I remember it being horribly strong and bad-smelling. I'm sure nothing has changed. The marketing is more effective than you think, making people question themselves: Gee, I must be crazy for not loving this liquid that takes the coating off my esophagus. Smoooooth.  Or beer. When I was a teen, friends said to keep drinking - I'd develop a taste for beer. Well, it's been 30 years and I still haven't developed a taste for beer. Or dirt.

Today I identify as  spam

We have a good relationship with one neighbor (not the 439 year old one).

She's such a sweet older lady. She was Marshall's buddy - they used to hang out together when she was planting. When she moved to a different spot, Marshall moved with her. They'd chat (or at least one of them would). Mrs lefty found out they like cupcakes, so she bought a package of 6. On the way home, it inverted, gracing the lid with bunches of icing. A day later, I went to the store and procured replacement cupcakes. These inverted on the way out of the car, but lost considerably less icing. No matter, they can't go to anyone like that. Yesterday another 6 cupcakes appeared. This morning there were 5. One of the kids required one emergently, at 3am and no one told her these were for the neighbor. We'd get them a cake, but we can't deal with the mess when it inverts.



SJW Snorkeling

Homophobic, sexist and racist patients could be barred from non-emergency care at NHS trusts, under new rules from April

It's January Already

I'm getting a new phone at work.
I found this out today, while completing a software update. Because everyone knows that when you update the software, it becomes moot because you're getting new hardware. I found this out from the Software People, because the employees apparently don't have a Need to Know.

The last new phone I got was an iDevice. I begged my poor boss to get me an exemption. He's gotten very good at humoring me, like my wife and parents. He said perhaps if I got a doctor's note. Since I couldn't forge get a note in time, I got stuck with the iDevice. It's a silly little phone with only one button, which inevitably does the opposite of what you're looking to do, that could be accomplished with a second button. Like... ummmm... what's that called.. oh yeah - android.  Credit where it's due: it has a nice display and the charge lasts a long time (especially as it sits there, not being used). The first time it rang, I was so shocked I couldn't figure out how to answer it.

Now I'm getting a new one. Either that or we're changing carriers or the color we bleach our nose hair. No one seems to know. No one also knows what kind of phones they will be, although most Techie-Types are hoping for androids. The people who have personal iDevices get 'that look' in their eyes, signifying they're about to go full Judge Judy on me. Knowing the way my employer works, it will be a Windows 10 phone (sound of people leaping off tall buildings).

• Speaking of phones, our darling dog is displaying all sorts of new, interesting behaviors. She now whines when her mom leaves, which is turning into screeching. No bath poofy scrubby thing is safe from shredding. This is a little strange because we didn't know we had any poofy scrubby things.
• Her first vet appointment is this week. Her first day of obedience school is next week. I can't go because obedience school is afraid of me.
• Recently Penny saw her first snow. She came in, shook herself off, and declared she wanted to go back to her foster mom, where it never snows.

Perhaps because of the weather, the inside of the house has been free of ants.

Perhaps because of the lack of ants, there has been a lack of polar bears and the rare Elephant Squid. 

Further chats with our good neighbor have been enlightening. She talks about the time she used to spend with Marshall, even when she wasn't feeding him. Apparently both have cataracts, although hers are getting fixed (and he doesn't have them anymore). They used to sit outside and keep each other company. I had no idea. She misses him too. She was shocked to meet Penny, who isn't black  like the last three. And she has a longer snout, as English cockers do. She says Penny's really nice, but not 'her Marshall.'  I don't even know what to say.

• After the Australian universities banned sarcasm, the Special SJW Squad came out, in no uncertain terms, against mince pie. They threatened to take the bones out of their noses if the world continued to sacrifice the lives of those poor minces.

Colleges, Identity Politics, Victim Culture, and Safe Spaces
If you think professors are liberal, try school administrators. Op-ed in the New York Times vs microaggressions, understanding white privilege, and the right not to hear anything that upsets you, Victim. This is some sick stuff, and it's happening on your local college campus.

• The shopping season is here! Remember these tips before you shop online: Don't.

There is something very tasty about network cables. I have no idea what it is: ask the dog. This also applies to phone charging cords.

Speaking of charging cords, newer phones are coming with USB C jacks, which won't allow you to use your old cables (USB micro). Some clever person came up with adapters that use your existing cables. Even better, they come with little attachment bouzokis so they won't get lost. Sheer brilliance (thanks to the Linux People for the idea).

While you're shopping for adapters on Amazon, remember that you can buy products from Oprah's Favorite Things. Because the horribly wealthy ex-talk show host who gave away cars obviously knows what you'll like. You have so much in common. I kid - you just reflexively buy what she recommends, like her book club. This woman is so rich, every time she farts, it comes out as money. She lights her daily breakfast birthday cake with $100 bills because she has to get rid of the small ones. Oprah had a tiny complex built in California (she called it Los Angeles). There was some controversy over the city paying her $100,000 each time the sun came out, but it was put to rest when she assured them it was ok.

• Black Friday has either come and gone or will arrive early, depending on which retailer claims when. The trend seems to favor the early, with Black Friday being moved up a week, followed by Puce Weekend, and Chartreuse Monday. Christmas decorations went up the day after Labor Day. Next year, Black Friday will see another minor bump, to the first Friday after Valentines Day.

A British gang member started shooting out of an apartment window, declaring he'd never be taken alive. The police and the UK version of SWAT - PWAG (Police With A Gun) arrived and surrounded the building. The bullhorns bellowed and negotiations broke out - "Come out or we'll ask you to come out again!" By the end of the day, negotiations stopped, while all agreed that it was getting dark and everyone should go home for the night to sleep. This continued for two weeks: the British are a patient people, who avoid bad publicity at all costs. Finally the gang member fired at the police, who became slightly miffed, which is the most dangerous state available in police, and ordered him to stop it, this minute. Eager to make a point, the gunman set the apartment on fire and died of a 'self-inflicted' gunshot. The police congratulated themselves on a peaceful operation. At no time did they mention guns, because whenever you say guns, the entire population of England runs around in mass panic, puts a bucket over its head, and says how much safer they are with no guns.

Meanwhile in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, America, city employees wet their pants with laughter, because they'd remedy the situation by dousing the apartment with gasoline and dropping high explosives from a helicopter. Ah, the good old days.

• I like to watch UK and Canada tv, to make fun of the accents, yeah? Eh?

It's fun to hang out in special interest groups on the net. I belong to a vacuum tube group full of people who are old enough to have invented tubes. I'm kidding, but they were early adopters. There is a lot to learn and no shortage of genius in the group. Having achieved age, there's a ton of other wisdom. Recently there was a discussion on how to make Bakelite, complete with several methods, cautions, and what happens over time. The current topic is heating the room in which you listen with a tube radio. Yes, it started as a joke, but the full engineering crew was out, working on this Serious Problem. They got out their calculators and punched buttons for all they were worth. Someone asked whether heating the rest of the room kept the temperature steady. Not to be outdone, someone else suggested that for the questioner's area (he looked it up), the temperature was 58 degrees, so geothermal might be the way to go. The plan involved digging down 12 feet, running copper tubing, filling it back up, and running water through it to both heat and cool the room. The only small consideration was the hole had to be larger and deeper than a swimming pool. This was simply out of my depth (Pun Alert), as is most tube information.

• Bulletin for anybody going to Ireland: leave your countersink drill bits at home or they'll be confiscated. Makes perfect sense: you could get on the plane and put it in the drill you're also not allowed to carry. Remember: if you can bring countersink drill bits on planes, the terrorists win.
• Also prohibited: clear tape dispensers with plastic cutters, personal lubricant, artificial body parts (leave them at home), round food, and Sinead O'Connor.
• "Ireland: Even Sillier Than the US"

Speaking of Ireland, a civil war is brewing, after the Irish government passed legislation mandating pronouncing 'th'. For example, 'three' must be pronounced 'three,' not 'tree.' Violence was immediate. The IRA changed its name to the IRS. The US State Department strongly discourages travel to tis area at tis toyme.

(Tis is why I don't have more readers)

• A judge has asked Amazon to hand over home recordings of their Alexa device in a double murder case. 

The court finds there is probable cause to believe the server(s) and/or records maintained for or by Amazon.com contain recordings made by the Echo smart speaker... 

• In a previous case, Alexa recordings were handed over. They were not conclusive of a murder.
• The article is remarkable for what it doesn't say: what Alexa records. It is only supposed to respond to “Alexa,” “Computer” or “Echo”.
• It is absolutely shocking that a listening device installed in your home listens.

Somewhat of a really long time ago (high school?), I fell in with a good crowd, to the surprise of my parents. I met my best friend, who is with me to this day. He was a songwriter and I came onboard (because all the applications for Rock Star<tm> had been filled out). We practiced at his house, where I met his family. His house was a great place because of the people who lived there, most specifically Mom. We spent a lot of time there, because we needed the practice. Mom became a second mom to me; a truly delightful person. Through the years it's always been great seeing her. 

I just received word she was hospitalized and passed today.

Peace, 2nd mom. 

And thanks for all the cookies.

This is a Different Post, Just Like All My Other Posts

Over in England, the Ministry for Measuring Things has noted a 90% increase over last year's sales figures for cassettes. Yes, those things you couldn't wait to get rid of after you got a cd player for your car.

Every now and then I come up with an amazing idea and here's one: I am going to put my entire collection of Vintage Original cassettes on the market. They're worth a fortune! I will even include a few Vintage Original blank cassettes. The reason the Vintage Original cassettes are better is twofold: firstly, they have Vintage and Original in their title; secondly, over time, the magnetic particles have aligned with each other for smooth Vintage Original sound that one cannot approximate with New Non-Vintage Non-Original cassettes.

I won't be able to count my money fast enough. Either the tone of this blog is going to change or I'll stop blogging entirely. On the other hand, the guilt of abandoning the six of you would be too great. I will stay.

Just wait til I whip out my 8 tracks and reel to reel tapes!

• I like my neighbor the schizophrenic. He's a genuinely nice guy, who manages to spend most of his time on the planet with the rest of us. After he told me about the lasers shining on our house the other night, that looked like gun sights, he said he's really sorry and he knows we must be missing our little guy. 

It's a bad time to be an administrator or citizen of two municipalities in Alaska. The Alaskan Borough of Matanuska-Susitna (Mat Su) and the City of Valdez have both been hit with some really nasty ransomware. Let's say a few systems are down, like the electronic door key swiping system, nearly all of the workstations, 120/150 servers, email, property querying, library system, landfill weights and fees application, and animal shelter’s computers. The saddest part of this is that they had to dig out their typewriters. I'm sure there were courses available for the kids who had never seen one before. "Most" of the data is safe and credit card data was not stored there. Over 200 organizations have been hit.

The IT Director said:

I will tell you is that this isn’t some kid in his mother’s basement. This is very sophisticated and well-funded.  It would come from somewhere I believe outside the US. When we call it ransomware, that’s not its purpose. I believe its purpose was to disrupt our way of life.

ThermionicEmissions has done some digging in some very dark places and came up with some information: it's the Chinese, messing with the Russians. 

• Seeing a .DOC, .XLS, .PDF, .ZIP, or .7Z "paperclipped" to an email message should always tell you to proceed with extreme caution. These are the most dangerous extensions potentially used by malware authors.
• Remember: Don't

A Security Dood on Twitter has one smart bulb in his house. He found out the company went out of business months ago. The last settings he made are now permanent because the app no longer works. The Internet of Things became The Internet of Things That Don't Work.

• John Cleese, of Monty Python fame, is in Deep Doo Doo because he used the word 'poof' on British radio (poofter: slang for homosexual). Apparently this is a terrible thing to say. In response, Cleese said Graham Chapman was a poof and dead, so he's a double minority. Terry Gilliam, Python and filmmaker, said he identifies as a black lesbian in transition.
• The BBC has dedicated itself to finding comedy of color, so it's not six white guys, like Python. Because non-white comics are genetically funnier than white comics.
• Hopefully we'll all be alive to see this stop.

If you're a Gmail user, you shouldn't be.

Having said that, they offer a new feature called Confidential Mode. It should be called, more accurately, Sometimes Confidential Mode. Let's say that its somewhat confidential from most, except the biggest culprit last time: Google. Google can save and read all your email. Again. Still. Protonmail.com

• Just heard on tv: Don't put your penis in the cooking stove.

Folks... I hope you don't feel like I'm bleeding all over the blog, but I have to try to get this out somehow. Losing a 13 year member of the family you saw every day is traumatic. We're trying everything to get back to (ab)normal, but only time will help. There hasn't been nearly enough of it yet.

Dear Marshall:
I don't know if you read blogs wherever you ended up, but I'm putting this out there to the Universe.  There's a lot of disruption in the wake of your leaving. It's been 4 weeks but feels like forever. We miss stuff... stuff like..

• not being able to go on vacation. We now have the freedom to go anywhere (which we haven't)
• keeping doors open a little
• your food lady misses buying hot dogs for you and jumping when you bark
• tripping over you in the bedroom
• the shrieking to go out, in, or when you didn't get what you wanted
• Quality Time: when I got in bed and you'd come up and lay next to me, demanding attention til one of us got tired. The best time of my day. Mom was jealous. Was the extra cuddling because you knew?
• hell, we miss running to vets and paying the bills - we'd gratefully do it again for you
• the supervision and assistance we got whenever cooking or cleaning the kitchen
• looking at you and scratching your itches

I wanted to tell you how much we miss you but I think you know; you probably miss us too.

Snakes Damn Near On A Plane

Lest you think I have only doubts about the TSA's ability to find its hand in front of its face... a woman traveling from Miami to Barbados was stopped because of 'biomass' inside an electronic device. Investigating further, the woman had put a ball python inside a hard drive (must've been a really large hard drive). So let me make amends to the TSA: The TSA cannot find its hand in front of its face, but they are perfectly capable of finding a snake in a hard drive. They also nailed my mother with too much water to take on the plane. She could overhydrate.

• Yeah, we're not all that fond of Google, but occasionally they hit the nail on the head: their phones are updated. They're now working on eliminating junk phone calls, unsolicited or robocalls. Some of the industry solutions not only keep you from being bothered, they actively bother the caller. They keep the phone spammer (human or machine) on the phone so long, it can cut into their profits. This is a uniquely annoying and hilarious bit of revenge.
• Remember, unless you have a previous business relationship, a company may not call you. Robocalling is illegal. Put yourself on the Do Not Call list.

A hacker from a South American country put some files up for sale on the Dark Web. Investigation was done and the files turned out to be important information on IEDs, a Reaper drone, and an Abrams tank. He couldn't sell anything because he didn't know what he had, where to sell it, and how to price it.

The takeaway here is that if you work on a military base and your computer is hooked to the net, change the default user login/password from ADMIN/PASSWORD to something else. Anything else. You blithering idiot. The captain had just completed a cybersecurity class.

The people at the very top don't. The people in the middle can't, even with classes. The Great Unwashed has no clue whatsoever and just doesn't care. This is why we have a cybersecurity problem. This and really crappy devices from manufacturers that don't care.

• My sweet elderly neighbor likes to sit in her yard and soak in the atmosphere. One of her talents is the ability to do this while completely ignoring our atmosphere. I can tell when she's out because there's a bright red Hawaiian chair she sits in. Today I noticed she changed the Hawaiian cover to a blue one. This woman changes her outdoor chair cover. I can barely change my clothes.
• She is the one who fed Marshall all these years. She'd lob hot dogs at him. When he couldn't see her, he'd WOOF and she'd come out. We had to explain to him that it didn't work at 2am.

Marshall's ashes are ready. He'll be coming home soon. 
He will sit in the living room, where he can keep an eye on us.
It still hurts in ways I can't describe. 

Because I made the mistake of registering for a seminar, I've been receiving no end of spam. Since it's major company spam, I look for the opt-out link, even though I never opted in. Good, I think to myself... the end of these emails. And then they send me an email to confirm I won't get more email.  Is it just me?

• Another in the increasing spate of unbelievably annoying commercials: "I drink Diet Coke. It's super good."  Super good? Whatever the ad agency was on, please keep it away from the rest of humanity.

Among the many people I don't like is Jeff Goldblum. It was almost instant. Everything worked out really well because he's a movie star, so unless I went to a movie, I was unlikely to be annoyed by him.  In a bid to outwit and frustrate me more, he's doing tv commercials. Some stars do it for the money... not Jeff. No, Jeff's doing it to annoy me. He doesn't need the money. Smug bastard.

• I'm getting a lot of traffic from Russia. I hope they're not using ThermionicEmissions to influence the next election.
• Sorry about that.
• Welcome, people from Russia. You probably got here by mistake.

We're at the 61st anniversary of the crash at Roswell. The city is jammed with celebration and people from out of state. Sadly, it was announced that this is Stanton Friedman's last hurrah; he is retiring. I don't begrudge him retirement... he's been working on the ufo mystery ever since he was young. He's the grandfather of ufo research; a nuclear physicist who applies scientific principles to the study. Stanton has done unbelievable amounts of research on Roswell. Next time someone tells you it was any of the three things the government took turns blaming, remember there are about 400 witnesses and interviews.

Stanton is about 84 and recently had some heart difficulty. He'll remain a very popular figure in the ufo research field. Godspeed, Mr. Friedman.




According to the History Channel, Thanksgiving didn't go entirely as we learned. The Indians were not invited; they showed up in twice the number as the Pilgrims. There was no turkey; the Indians brought a gift of venison. The Pilgrims would have been in church that day.

History, as they say, is written by the victors and can't be trusted. History is also not set by the History Channel. It has nothing to do with aliens, Giorgio.

I can't reveal my sources but this is how it went down: the Pilgrims invited the Indians. The Indians brought cold cuts and beer. It took quite a while to explain the meaning of 'orgy' to the Indians. So they all smoked peace pipe, got down to (everyone else's) business, then feasted on cold cuts and root beer, with enough fermentation to wipe out most of the guests. Then the time of the Great Napping began. This was actually relayed down the years in Indian history. Since the Indians pass down history in song, we had to decode the meaning of this special song: "Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight. Get down tonight."

Another myth dispelled by Indian lore is the story of the YMCA. There was no Indian in the group, and if there were, he was totally straight.

• I got a text from my cell carrier, saying I was signed up for Program X, and I could go to this url to set my options. It was legit so I went to the site. Some new exciting program that looked a lot like an old boring program was mentioned. It looked halfway ok, then I discovered there was a monthly charge. I was not happy.
• It took about half an hour to locate a correct service number. When I called, the very polite service person told me that I had opted in. No, Dear, I'm not what you'd call an opter-inner. She told me to check my texts. I humored her and didn't find a text. She claimed she had the text and apologetically offered to cancel everything.
• So be careful about this. And by all means, go online to your providers page, create or sign into your account, then look for the privacy section. SHUT DOWN all BS about advertising and anything else you don't wish to happen. The carriers assume you opt-in and you have to manually opt out. This happens because they're greedy and have lobbyists with stacks of cash. I was signed up to have my location shared with a third party.

Faceyspaces has been fined $663,000 for failure to protect its users' personal information.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Boy, Zuck is going to feel THAT.

Morally, if not legally, they didn't fail to protect its users' personal information so much as sell it for their own profit.

Why Do You Think It's Called a Strip Mall?

Two relative strangers met and hooked up in California.  While this no doubt happens all the time, it rarely happens in front of a strip mall.  Hey, when you gotta hump, you gotta hump, right?

Now the NSA is really in your computer.  Our good friends near DC have been caught sneaking malware into the firmware of hard drives, as discovered by Kaspersky.  This also brings up the fact that the drive manufacturers allowed this. These are some evil folks, folks.  Lady Gaga or Beyonce had better do something fast...

A Tinder app is said to enable flings at Carnival in Rio.  And let's face it... if you've gotta go down... {ahem}, Rio isn't such a bad place to do it.

Mystery Mars haze baffles scientists. Well, it's not so much haze as the Martians steam-cleaning the rovers for us.

STUDY: Dogs are smarter than people think.  Not watching tv helps.

Show-winning dog semen sells for $2,000.  Further proof that I'm in the wrong business.

Rowdy women attack man at 50 Shades.  So I'm thinking to myself that this is my golden opportunity: stand outside the theater and clean up!  Right up until we discover that the man in question asked the ladies to lower the volume a bit and got the wrong kind of head.

Woman pulls gun on man after being denied sex. Wow, I didn't know we could DO that!

======================================

It's Snow Time in the old neighborhood. Again. This time the forecasters called for three to six inches. Within hours, it was one to three.  In an extreme slip-up, we got three to six.  What are the odds that a weather forecaster will be correct?

As a result, I worked from the couch, where I am generally headquartered.  I was treated to the somewhat altered-state neighbor shoveling early.  I strongly suspect he has some sort of noise-enhancing attachment built into his shovel. Still, this is better than last year, with the snow blower. Snow blowers, while a great concept, bother me almost as much as lawn mowers.  Let's face it - they require so much care and maintenance that they're unlikely at best to be there for you when you need them (as one could argue about a wife).

After work, I shoveled. It wasn't bad at all (especially as I didn't have to start a snow blower). Then I heard this loud noise, incredibly similar to the neighbor's amplified shovel.  This is largely because it was the neighbor's shovel, this time being powered by the 437 year old being from hell who owns the place.  In the autumn, she has some sort of laser-powered Leaf Alarm to tell her when our leaves hit the ground.  I'll bet you she also has a laser-powered Snow Detector too. As soon as it starts snowing, she forces the tenant into Snow Bondage.  Apparently his snow job was not sufficient, as she was out there again, probably cataloging and cleaning individual flakes from the tarmac.

-------------------------------------------------

I thoroughly ruined someone's day today, or at least I hope I did.  

I don't get out much and I don't have anywhere near enough fun, so I have to get it where I can (kinda like sex).

There's a street on the way to work that has a 25mph speed limit and they're not kidding. I suspect half of the town's revenue comes from speeding tickets. I was warned early to obey and obey I do.

Not everybody obeys and this is where the fun starts.

Sometimes people don't want to do the speed limit, so they pass you in great haste. The only problem here is that it's only a two-lane road, so they cross into the wrong lane to pass you. While I have yet to see anyone ticketed (or beaten) for this, hope springs eternal.  When I drive a higher performance car, I speed up while they're trying to pass: it amuses me.

Today's idiot was a special breed.  He got right up my tailpipe from the start. When this happens, I naturally make sure I'm doing exactly 25mph, if not 24.  This did not impress Sparky, who stayed in close formation. Trick Number Two: brush the brake pedal so the brake lights come on. Sparky backed off a bit but in short order, he was trying to climb into my trunk.  Firing up the brake lights again only pissed Sparky off and he blinked his lights at me.

Imagine - he blinked his lights at me.

A brief glance at the speedometer told me I was doing 1mph over the limit, so I slowed down. Sparky backed off.  Not for long, of course, despite passing several 25mph signs.  By this point, Sparky's face was no doubt starting to turn red and veins were popping out of his head.  In fact, he got more aggressive and would not back up, even with the Brake Light Treatment.  

Finally some sense must have seeped in and he backed off. I suspect he might have seen some speed limit signs.  Oh no, he was back again, this time weaving all over his lane, as if he were going to somehow rocket past me.  I smiled and continued to do the speed limit in a nearly offensive manner.

At this point, Sparky probably had to give the steering wheel to his passenger, as he was having a Coronary Event (formerly heart attack).  He finally got around me because he had to get into the turning lane. He shot me a look.  I smiled.

I won.


And as I close this episode, I have but one wish: that both the cat and the dog stop farting.  I'm going to asphyxiate here.

The Unemployment Files (#4)

Greetings, friends and neighbors, fellow bloggers, readers, and everyone here from the Wide World of Water Sports.  This is the next in the Unemployment series, otherwise known as Episode 4 (or Why Am I Still Typing This Shit?).

As you know by now, I remain without work, unless you count the constant drone of the wife, barking out orders for me to do menial tasks like carrying stuff, cleaning stuff and mowing. I'm a knowledge worker - this kinda stuff is beneath me.

SEARCHING

You have been privy to all of the interesting search results I've gotten as well as all of the lovely recruiters who have called and emailed.  This installment's Best Of would have to include the offers for work in Houston, New York, four counties over, and of course, the three month consulting arrangement in Arkansas.  Come to Arkansas, work three months is their new state slogan.

A friend suggested a new game: collect all the coins for the states for which we're invited to work. The one with the most coins wins.  No, I don't know what.

In my own searches online, I have come across a few winners also. Business to Business insurance sales, wound nurse and my absolute favorite: lactation consultant.  I have to tell you that the last one had me considering a career change.  I'm somewhat of a subject matter expert in that general area anyway, going pro wouldn't be that difficult.  I can already properly size a bra and check for lumps, so I know wherefrom I speak.  Ok, I am a bit lacking in lactation - it's simply a fetish better left for others.

THE HIRSUTE CANINE CHILD

The dog has been enjoying the hell out of having me home full time, according to my wife.  As I type this, he's sitting next to me, putting his nose under my arm and insisting on all attention being provided to him and him alone.  Unfortunately all the attention has spawned more of a little monster... when we go somewhere, he becomes Spaniel Detective and hunts down anything edible, no matter where it is.  He used to be such a good dog when we left.  Last week he got half a bag of my Reese's Pieces (the bastard).  This was doubly evil, as my wife was supposed to get me Peanut Butter M&Ms, not Reese's Pieces.

He's defintely acting out.  Yesterday he ate half a loaf of wheat bread... the kind with all that sawdust on the top.  Wheat bread.  No matter how bad chocolate is for dogs, he will consume whatever he can reach.  Fortunately it doesn't bother him (it bothers me though).  My wife, who is sometimes forgetful (like it's sometimes humid in PA), left a whole bag of trail mix on the floor.  Strangely, the dog has left it there.  Yes, we've finally found the single substance that the dog won't touch. Remember - this is the guy who has eaten raw brussels sprouts.  Just not trail mix, please, Dad.

Meanwhile, the cat is also enjoying more attention.  The fastest way to get one of them to come is to call the other one.  Sibling rivalry at its finest.

Speaking of the cat, he has developed a new talent.  If you remember, the dog has trained the (good) neighbor to come out and feed him upon his command (bark).  The cat, no slouch himself, saw what was going on and figured he needed to get in on the action. So he, the cat who makes no noise at all, now sits on the fence and goes meow...Meow... MEOW and the neighbor comes out and feeds him too. We have unleashed two beggars upon the neighbor.


THANKS FOR THE HELP

The neighbor with the good intentions, who last time asked if the house was going up for sheriff's sale had another piece of wisdom the other day.  He saw my wife smoking on the front step and lectured that she must stop smoking; it's costing us too much money.  Of course the guy is one hundred percent correct; he's just lucky he didn't get a Subaru through his thorax.  The wife is a little jumpy where ciggies are concerned.

Armed with this great information, my wife decided to save us some money on cigarettes.  Whenever I hear 'save us money', I start to shake.  This usually means that she has purchased two of something 'because it was on sale' or 'because it was cheaper'.  When she gets home, she tells me how much money she has saved us.  I volunteer to save us even more money.... Guitar Center is having a sale and I can get two guitars for just a bit more than one.  Think of the hundreds I can save us!  Oddly enough, it is at that exact point that her math fails her (as well as her sense of humor).

Where was I?  Oh yeah, cigarettes.  She saved us loads of money by buying.... are you ready?  can you guess?  wait for it...  Roll Your Own cigarette parts.  We now have a tray table dedicated entirely to assembling cigarettes. Or rather, a tray table dedicated entirely to holding all the paraphernalia required to assmeble cigarettes.  I figure this is a practice best done when she has enough ciggies already. The moment she's out, she'll run shaking to the tray table, try putting together a single cancer stick, fail miserably, and run screaming to the store to buy a carton of regular old cigarettes (for $77 plus taxes).  In fact, it turns out that the tobacco companies are the ones that started the Roll Your Own movement.

INTERVIEWS - WE GOT INTERVIEWS

Hey, I haven't spent the entire week sitting on my ass.  I've spent the entire week looking for jobs, while sitting on my ass, thank you very much.  I have to admit I've had a decent amout of 'hits' on my resume lately, some from actual caucasians (who aren't Indian and trying to pound me into any job they can fit me into).

The prospective employers are getting smart about things, as I mentioned, and doing phone interviews (screenings) to weed out the bad prospects before calling them in physically (if not mentally).  I have had a bunch of phoners, as I call them.  Each one teaches me something, namely that I hate interviewing and that I can learn from my mistakes. And I make rather a lot of them.  And I insist upon making each one of them repeatedly.  Getting feedback helps to learn what to do next time.

So I've learned a lot, largely by failing.  Some call it Trial and Error.  I call it Error and Error.

This week I got a call from a recruiter for a job that turned out to be pretty damn local.  If there's anything I like (besides not having to mow the lawn), it's a very short commute to work. So I sat on the phone with the recruiter, very patiently, and answered questions. Very early in the process it became apparent that the technical recruiter had absolutely no concept of technical matters.  It would only make sense, you know.  I was charming and helped with technical acronyms.  Having gotten through that, I was informed that there was another phoner with their actual technical person.

A few days later, their actual technical person called, only he wasn't entirely technical either; he just knew all of the terms and acronyms. I suspect I was less charming this time but I passed muster. I know this because I was then invited to meet him in person.  In a small county, one state over. Tomorrow, if I didn't mind. For anybody keeping score, this was two phoners and an in-person, just to get past the recruiter.  The visit was pleasant, he asked great questions, we all talked about pets, kids and the coffee situation brewing (get it?) in South America, causing prices to rise exponentially.  I must have been in good form because I passed muster again.

How did I know I passed muster again? The recruiter was going to pass my resume along to his client. IF the client likes my resume, there will be... hang on..... guess what?  a PHONER!  If he likes the phoner, an in-person will be scheduled.  For anybody still keeping score, I will have gone through three phoners and two in-persons before I know if I got the job or not.  And this is for a consultant slot.  This has city government or extreme corporate obfuscation written all over it. I hope they don't take measurements when I show up. I typically disappoint.

Then there was the other phoner/screener for a large retailer.  It was being gang-interviewed, possibly by monkeys, judging from the zoo-like background noise.  It felt like home because I used to work in a zoo.  Well, not a traditional zoo, but they were really loud and sometimes smelled like animals. The secretary's husband likened calling there to a soccer riot.

And there we are - this week's installment.  Although it would break my heart, I am perfectly willing to discontinue this series and get back to the (ab)normal stuff.

Neighbors - Can't Live With Them, Can't Blow Up Their Houses

I grew up in a row house in Philthydelphia.  Eventually we looked at townhouses but never bought one.  The difference between them is that a row house is in the city and a townhouse is in the suburbs.

Being in a literal row, you got to know your neighbors, in every sense of the word.  We had some really nice neighbors who would sit out on the steps and talk.  It was mostly a good neighborhood, except, unfortunately, for the next door neighbors.  It's not that they weren't the nicest, brightest folks in the neighborhood - more that they believed Jews had horns.  We didn't go further into their beliefs because we were afraid.  They also painted their concrete steps.  To this day, we do not know why.

We also had the requisite Old Lady (YOU KIDS GET OFF OF MY LAWN!) but so long as you weren't on her lawn, she was fine.

Come to think of it, my next door neighbors did have a few more annoying little traits, which I'd like to share with you.  They enjoyed a good, loud stereo and television.  And they enjoyed their good, loud stereo and television placed right up against our common wall.  No amount of verbal convincing would spur any volume-lowering action in that house.

Being curious about how things worked, I discovered electronics (right before I discovered girls).  With my little signal generator, I would determine what station my neighbors were blasting and jam the signal.  When they changed stations, so did I.  When they tried the tv, so did I.  They probably wondered why reception was so poor in their house.

Fast forward many years to a house of my own, in a really nice neighborhood.  It's not a row home but the houses are close enough for the neighbors to chat (if they want to).  My wife is good at chatting, not so much for me.  In the twenty years we've been there, my wife met all the neighbors and their dogs.  I know the one dude from around the corner somewhere who walks his Akita at night.

We live across the street from the Loud Family.  I've mentioned them before.  They are two loud adults who produced five or six really loud children (F-YOU, DAD!).  The children all bought really loud cars.  If the cars weren't loud when they bought them, they modified them so they were loud.  The one child who hasn't reached driving age has a little go-kart which is horribly loud and he likes to ride it up and down the street, making loud noises and screaming loudly.  They play loud sports and have loud friends.  I can't verify it but I believe they found a way to make their car horns louder than stock.  Only the house itself isn't loud but rest assured if there were a way to make the house loud, it would be a loud house.

Then there's the Crazy Lady next door.  Every neighborhood has one.  She yelled at my wife because the dog had the nerve to walk on her grass.  There was also some vague complaint about `our bees biting her' but that was a while back.  She has been observed vacuuming her lawn.  One day she put the street sign about leaf collection on my front step.  Mind you, my wife helps her out with medical issues now and then.

Then there's Sparky, the NOF (Nasty old F-er) who lives out back.  He gets upset when the dog barks.  Since the dog barks once to come in or go out, Sparky's constantly mad.  I have a sneaking suspicion this really isn't dog-related but I keep my opinion to myself.

The rest of the neighbors are sweet as can be.  No trouble.  We don't bother them and they don't bother us.

---------------------------

Last week I came home and discovered a card in the door.  It was from Township Code Enforcement.  My wife was out of her mind with all the possibilities of what the township was going to require us to do and how much it would cost.  It got so bad she insisted on me calling the guy.

This would not be our first run-in with the township.  Because of me, my township has a NO SLINKY Ordinance (don't ask).

So I called.  Really nice guy.  He seemed amused.  Apparently the township commissioner got a complaint about planting materials on the lawn.  He got sent out and found some planting materials on the lawn but nothing in the way of a code violation.  We laughed.  I told him about the Crazy Lady who vacuums her lawn, who probably lodged the complaint.  We laughed again.

So it appears that the Crazy Lady, who sends us Christmas presents, called the township commissioner to complain about planting materials on our lawn.  

And if her house blows up, *I* am the bad person.

I'm speechless. 

(like that will ever happen again)


But wait.. I have a solution: I am going to pile up all of the planting supplies on the line between our houses.  And spell her name with them.