The Postal System either drinks heavily or needs to start drinking heavily

I would not trust the USPS to get a post card from my house to across the street in less than a week-if at all.

I have had two packages delivered by USPS in the last two months - both ridiculously late - both missing their estimates by days or weeks. At least one of the senders paid extra for second day delivery.

This is why people say mail delivery should go private; it's the perfect example. We've all heard the horror stories of UPS drivers peeing in bottles so they can make their deliveries. The USPS would never do something so draconian - they don't care when or IF your mail arrives.

Frank Zappa had an IQ of 174. That explains a lot.

Today is a quiet day. Or was a quiet day.

I had meetings. Naturally it got noisy. Very noisy. In fact the neighbors decided to have some trees cut down. Consequently the neighborhood is listening to Concerto for Chainsaw and Falling Tree Parts. I paid the men a visit and subtly encouraged them to go with something a bit more quiet - like explosives and large sheets of metal. I didn't speak Spanish so they just stood there and looked at me strangely. Oddly this is the same effect I have on English-speaking members of the public.

 Quantum computers only work if no one is observing them.

Wild beaver release approved for England

Eating wild beaver is good for your teeth ....

 

Failure, Rinse, Repeat: Why do Both History and Security Seem Doomed to Repeat Themselves?

I have been saying this for years. No matter what we learn we are doomed to re-learn it with each new technology.

 

The 2022 Nose Hair Games

 

Your love is like   vegetarian meat loaf

Officials, experts call for masking as illnesses slam US ahead of holidays

With Lord Fauci gone, who do we turn to for random guesses?  

Today I identify as  a left wing extremist, trying to ban reality shows

WordPress debated taking down the New York Post Hunter Biden story

WP is a purveyor of software full of holes and a blog host. They wanted to pull the story from the NY Post. Faceyspaces and Twitter came right out and censored it (at the behest of the government). This is what I mean by Big Tech controlling the narrative. This is why it's important to seek out different (truthful) viewpoints. All you'll get from Mainstream Media is Official Talking Points, which have a strange relationship to the truth.

I've had my.... slippers..... for a few weeks now. Much as I feared, I'd rather just wear my sneakers. Plus I keep getting flashbacks to my grandfather. Or some other old dude who wore slippers. I'm just not advanced in age enough for this. Plus if the neighbors see me, they'll have flashbacks of me wearing slippers, and they're damaged enough. It's just not working. Wife, who suggested them years ago, seems to think everything's fine, but we're married; how would she know? I don't want to say they're unpopular, but even the dog won't chew them.

You see, the slippers are where it starts. It then rolls downhill, at great speed:

• You begin waking up early, even though you have no reason to
• You hit the diner at 4:00. Maybe they have specials. Maybe you're just hungry because you woke up early
• You spend an inordinate amount of time gardening. Considering it took an act of God to get me to mow, I don't see this happening.
• AARP card, Medicare
• Don't drive at night
• a walker
• death

No thank you. I'm stayin' off this rollercoaster.

The president has vented to allies about how often his age is mentioned in the press "You think I don't know how fucking old I am?" he said to one earlier this year.    -Politico

Uh, no, Joe. By all means, run again. As you know, the democrats have a very low bar.

In 2024, the democrats will stay with their current slogan: "This is the best we've got."

The republicans have a new slogan: "Trump has done wonders for the economy - democrats are buying guns!"

Pope warns he has seen 'omens of even greater destruction and desolation' for mankind

But he's not going to tell you what they are. Just keep sending him money and he'll keep saying stuff about God giving us his firstborn (and ignore the priests with the little boys).

Government Remains Americans' Top Problem in 2022

according to a poll by our friends at Gallup.  [sniff.... sniff...] Maybe there's hope for us after all!

Nah, just kidding: we're going down.

I have this great legal concept that has been applauded on social media (who TF cares?) and needs to go to all legislators: each and every piece of legislation must be tested for Constitutionality before it's sent for a vote. And while I'm at it, each piece of legislation can only be on ONE topic. No added pork. This could save us billions.

The next time you hear a Congresscritter speaking about legislation, ask yourself (and them) "What abut the deficit?" This should give both of you an indication of how idiotic the legislation is.

"Officer - they're beating an old lady!"

I don't have time: people are going 2mph over the speed limit and someone has to punish ticket protect and serve them.

• I really think this blog needs some sponsors. Unfortunately I don't think Rolo, Yoo Hoo, and Fender guitars are brave enough. Perhaps an explosives manufacturer. Or one of those companies that cleans up blood after a murder.

Tom's Hardware did a comparison called Best PC Cases 2022. How in the universe do you test cases? Most at home next to plants? Least likely to get knocked over by pets? Coolest LEDs? Most floppy drives? Most likely to knock over people when thrown at them? So noisy it will keep you up at night? 

Wieambilla: Grief and questions after deadly shoot-out shocks Australia

But you're not allowed to own guns in Australia. This couldn't have happened. I call fake news.

 It's surprisingly quiet in the neighborhood. Neither of the neighbors is making a sound, which, quite frankly, makes me nervous. It's like they're getting ready to unleash something big. The patio is done, but I think he's tuning up his trash lids for a little concert tonight. The other side received their 12hp Noise-O-Matic yesterday, and is probably trying to figure out how it works. They're in a contest with the manufacturer to see who can make the most noise. Their secret weapon is the dog. As soon as the Noise-O-Matic starts up, 150lbs of Lab will go off with it. He has a bark that demands attention, like a religious figure speaking from a mountain or something. Back in those days, religious figures had to develop massive voices, because they were always speaking from mountains and elevated locations to a crowd that was very far away. If their voices weren't sufficiently loud and deep, the entire announcement would devolve into an audience saying "Huh? What did he say?" The message tended to get lost that way. So make sure your dog has a loud, deep voice when barking.

It's almost frightening but I have some good news to report: after the Great Phone Debacle of 2022, I switched to a prepaid plan with my provider. I started out paying less than half of what I paid normally. Due to incentives, the time of year, and the fact we had an actual sunny day this week, they keep lowering the charge. I think it's around $30/m now and will go down further when the Cloudy Day Loyalty discount kicks in. You might want to check with your provider to see if they have a prepaid plan. Or other carriers. Or TracPhone. Disclaimer: I have the cheapest plan, with 5M data, because I don't get out much.  You will still get a much better deal with better plans. The only difference is that you cannot 'finance' a new phone. Ask first.

I've about had it with pr0n. Well, not with pr0n (phew), but with the right wing evangelicals who believe they can legislate it out of existence. Historically these people complaineth too mucheth, and are usually discovered knee-deep in it. Religion tends to do bad things to the minds of certain people, with power making it worse. Legally speaking, pr0n is here to stay. Any attempt to ban it would be a violation of the First Amendment. And you can take my word for its legality because I have a blog (you can also check the Supreme Court's ruling on it). Second, these misguided hypocrites need to stop trying to legislate their beliefs. Ohio senator Jim Vance said he wants to ban pr0n nationwide. Pr0n has been blamed for everything from masturbation to antisemitism. Apparently Kanye west is also pushing for an end to pr0n. That should pretty much end his 'musical' career. Another similarly-addled congresscritter blames feminism for driving men to pr0n. This is categorically false: they don't have the buses, plus men are fully capable of driving themselves. Won't he be surprised when he finds out women like pr0n too. Like when he checks his wife's browser history.

These lunatic legislators and their buddies are causing trouble elsewhere too. Religious groups are pressuring financial concerns, resulting in banks and online payment processors refusing to do business with adult performers. The groups have all sorts of concerned-sounding names and don't mention religion at all. Remember the First Amendment Cry: I may not agree with what you say, but I will fight for your right to say it. Censorship of one of us is censorship of all of us (eventually). 

So I ordered additional RAM for the only laptop working at the moment. On Ebay, I was happy when I discovered the shop was 30 minutes from the house. I figured it won't take as long as across the country (or across the water) to arrive. Sometimes I'm naive, sometimes downright stupid. I'm generally realistic - I know a 30 minute drive does not equal a 30 minute ship. The first thing I got was a thank you email from Hong Kong. My fight or flight reflex went directly to BALLISTIC. I was going to call Mr. Ebay and tell him about this. I was also going to have SWAT raid the alleged store near me. The tracking information said it left from the store near me, so it was only an hour or so before the adrenaline wore off and I could think straight and hold things without smashing them. The following day I checked the tracking and the package was expected to arrive 4 days after I ordered it. 4 days for a 30 minute drive. It had to go to the local hub, then on a truck to my house. Simple enough for city council to grasp. But no, this is me and this is the USPS. MOTTO: We may get it there. Eventually. 

Here is the tracking information:

Day 1: printed out label

Day 2: picked it up

Day 3: package felt kinda meh, so we left it alone for 24 hours

Day 4: put it on truck for delivery

Day 5: customer wants to know where it is

Day 6: lie and say it was delivered

Day 7: customer wants to see where he signed for it

Day 8: Atlantis just returned from space.... maybe it was aliens.

Day 9: customer has a mailman in his basement

Day 10: open an extensive investigation into this matter. Call us back in 60 days. 

Day 11: customer says fine, you'll get your mailman back in 60 days.

Day 12: investigation concludes early - it was found up some warehouse guy's nose. please give mailman back.

Day 13: customer still wants to know where the package is

Day 14: it could take up to 4 days, like we said when you bought it.

Day 15: customer opens up his own memory manufacturing plant so he can get some 12 year old memory chips. Because he's a one-man manufacturer, Biden refuses to give him a few billion to do it, saying the government only bolsters large, established businesses.

Day 16: customer changes business plan to arms, easily convincing Congress to give him 25 billion.

Day 17: customer nukes USPS

Day 18: customer drives 30 minutes to pick up his RAM chips, like he should have in the first place

EPILOGUE:

Found out that the memory really shipped from Hong Kong.

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?

China can get a package to me one day faster than the local postal system.

Privatize mail delivery.

My Service Elephant's Packages Haven't Arrived via USPS Either

Your love is like  the exhaust at NASCAR races

 

Yeah, it's not only me, even though I'm more amusing to read complaints from.

Firing up my trusty duckduckgo.com, because Google tracks you, I looked up who regulates the Post Office. You'll love this - they're called the Postal Regulatory Commission. If you have a complaint, send it to them. I figure we can start here, then go further up the chain if necessary. Where further up the chain is, I have no idea. Might be a chipmunk. Might be The Regulatory Commission of the Postal Regulatory Commission. Might be a Congresscritter on a commission. I figure it's time to do something. The squeaky wheel gets.... silenced.

You're not gonna believe this.....THE PACKAGES ARRIVED! Only 32 days after they were mailed. It's a new USPS speed record. In fact, the USPS is implementing a new standard: if your package is not received in 30 days, there will be no charge for the receiver.

So it looks like the huge government hack was the Russians after all.

We need to use this for every little thing we can squeeze out of it:

• No, Dear, I wasn't screwing that girl - it was the Russians.
• The dog didn't chew up your $800 purse - it was the Russians.
• I vacuumed, but the Russians dirtied it up again.

See how this works? Leave me a comment stating how the Russians did it to you.

Today I identify as  a boy demanding to join the Girl Scouts

SERIOUS NOTE: rape is rape, regardless of who's doing the raping

Hey lefty - what Zappa concert are you watching right now?

Funny you should ask if Humor Belongs in Music. The answer is, of course, ABSOLUTELY. If you ever wondered what a conductor does, watch Frank's arms. He's So Gay is hysterical.

Frank died of prostate cancer, a very treatable cancer. The docs screwed him over and didn't catch it til too late. Get yourself checked - ask your doctor. If you die, that's one less reader for the blog. I can't afford that.

Dear lefty 

• I fell down on my backside and the doctor said I broke my coccyx. Now my girlfriend won't give me any without a doctor's note. What do I do?
• buy her a dictionary and get her really drunk

Can onboard rollercoasters save the cruise industry?

I need to get a consultant job in cruising. I could clean up.

Let's start with the Flying AIDS thing. You put a load of people on a boat at this time, and it will return with many people infected with the Flying AIDS. This is kind of an important thing. Once past this minor hitch, I predict cruises will return to popularity. Business will actually improve, as people, sick and tired of being cooped up in their houses, will pay exorbitant amounts to be cooped up in a very small cabin on a ship. But at least there's shuffleboard.

Rollercoasters are a great addition to a ship, as well as other amusement park rides. There will be the requisite cameras to catch your face, as you plummet down the track. The cameras will also catch the spectacular effects when these rides fail. Can you imagine the rollercoaster having a 'bit of a problem'? The cars will be sailing out into the sea. The log flume will be spectacular, the way it flies down the track, right into the sea. Of course there will be pictures. The pictures will be even better when they get your face realizing you're about to hit the water and the chances of drowning are incredibly high (you can't swim). There's a great chance for a room upgrade, as some of the wealthier passengers plunge to their death on one of the rides. Somebody forgot to secure the track on the bumper cars, so they too go right into the sea. The children? We didn't forget the children. The very slow train jumps the tracks and, you guessed it, falls right off the end of the ship, into the sea. On the odd chance the children are saved, they will probably want to do it again. The captain advises against it.

Yes, my consulting gig will net me millions. In lawsuits.

Mainstream or Pr0n?:  I Am Not an Easy Man, The Nice Guys, Bus Simulator

• Faceyspaces is removing content supporting the belief that the election was stolen from Trump. If you type "stop the steal," it will be removed. Thank you, Faceyspaces, for protecting us from more words. Drop the FB. No matter your beliefs, you're allowed to believe them. And comment on them.
• An Idaho internet service provider blocked Faceyspaces and Twitter because of censorship. Subscribers would have to opt-in to access them.

The tech that will put your car's gauges on the windshield is interesting, and not without its critics. I'm willing to take a look.. perhaps the fact that it is in your line of sight will be helpful, instead of looking down at your dashboard. I don't necessarily see this as a problem. However, the input for X-Box games IS a problem.

• Yelp will now allow you to tattle on places that don't enforce masks and social distancing
• I have yet to have a positive experience with Yelp, and will page down to purposely get past it. It's a virtual home for trash to get back at a restaurant that didn't bring them enough napkins fast enough or refused to properly fellate the diner.

Trumpie has gone quiet since the rednecks ravaged the Capitol. In his case, quiet is worse than noisy. Doesn't it make you wonder what he's up to? Has anybody checked the ICBMs? Have they been repointed recently? Check the Biden/Harris inauguration chairs for superglue. Batteries still in Pelosi's breathing unit? Any flat limo tires? Toilet paper left in DC?

The FBI warned that Trump supporters are planning armed protests ahead of Biden inauguration. This means the FBI has been handing out a lot of weapons lately. Hint: check for MAGA hats, d00ds.

 

In an effort to make friends and generate positive press, Whole Foods (where one cannot buy an Oreo) is cutting workers' 15 minute breaks to 10 minutes.

We are standardizing our expectations for meal and rest periods across the company to maximize Team Member safety and productivity... 

I don't have the necessary lack of IQ and cruelty to get into Manglement, but I was wondering exactly how safety is maximized by taking away break time. Is Whole Foods saying their employees get less drunk on a 10 minute break than a 15 minute break? 

In totally unrelated news, Whole Foods is cutting insurance for its employees to make them safer. The theory is that if employees are not insured well, they'll perform their jobs more safely. The corporation also cut salaries for all retail employees for safety, security, and job satisfaction reasons. The entire retail employees union is breathlessly awaiting the explanation on this one. Next week, the Amazon-owned corporation will announce timers on bathroom stalls for job safety.

In an online scanner group, I watched people rush to help a guy with autism. Recently, I saw a guy ask a question, embarrassed because he was heading into senile dementia. The answers were fast and many, the guy was overjoyed. This is the real power of online interaction.

Reddit is Satan's Shithole, but I've seen some incredible acts of kindness. 

Twitter is Hell in under 300 characters, but at least you can get some abuse from someone, all day, any day. If the generic insults aren't good enough, you can always get your sexuality questioned. And no matter what you type, you're wrong.

Social media..... it's great!

Ipswitch, Australia has approximately 1 female garbage truck driver. The local council is designing a new female-only driver program to attract more women to the waste industry.

Why? Is anyone stopping them from applying?

SJW SMOKIN'

Not only isn't Google keeping up with its promised black hiring, it isn't hiring from historically black colleges and universities. Wow, that's impressive. Google not only has to hire a minority, but from certain schools. America's the best.

as if the Flying AIDS weren't bad enough..

Glass of Water for Mr. Grainger

Your love is like bunyons

 

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale....

I saw more news coverage of Dawn Wells dying than peace in the Middle East.

And while we're at it, Bond Girl and Mrs. Pinciotti (70s Show) Tanya Roberts has left the building. 

BUT WAIT... her representative, who said she had died, now says she's still alive, but "It does not look good."

ThermionicEmissions remains flummoxed that people still have difficulty telling the difference between alive and dead. It doesn't require a medical degree: sometimes you can tell by, you know.... heartbeat.

HOSPITAL: she's in ICU

REP: she's dead

HOSPITAL: she's not dead

REP: it doesn't look good

HOSPITAL: we're beginning to see a recovery

REP: the recovery was temporary and short-lived

HOSPITAL: she's out of ICU

REP: It won't be long now

HOSPITAL: she's recovering, we sent her home with medicine

REP: she has gone home to die

Monty Python/Eric Idle: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD

AND FINALLY: Tanya Roberts has expired, per her boyfriend.

Because if he didn't know, who would? 

So hey - how is the USPS delivery of your packages coming, lefty?

Still 1 promising that it's coming - the USPS just doesn't know where it is.

The other, the USPS just gave up and doesn't send notices anymore.

I feel bad canceling my purchases...

• Tesla delivered a record 500,000 vehicles in 2020
• aside from bursting into flames, they're great cars 

Mainstream or Pr0n: Devil in Salem, Building "Java" Programs, Feluda.Pherot-Chhinnomostar.obhishap

Today I identify as a monocle

A giant black hole keeps evading detection and scientists can't explain it

I'm telling you, it's the aliens: "Hey DJ#&@NS%, move the black hole. Daily. That'll confuse the hell out of them."

• China did a great job, bringing back samples from the Moon. Joe Biden is worried that they also exported the Flying AIDS to the Moon. Future American astronauts will be required to wear masks.

the Atlantic's executive editor penned a scathing warning that vast social networks like Facebook "can harm society just by existing..."

But there aren't enough moderators speaking enough languages, working enough hours, to stop the biblical flood of shit that Facebook unleashes on the world

and I've been saying this for how long? 

But this person's ideas aren't going to work, because if you put a windshield or a keyboard in front of a person, you get Instant Asshole<tm>. A plea to 'play nice' won't go very far, nor will a place where niceness is enforced.

• Research on finishing a project once you start it shows that you need to cut your goals in half.
• We could have told them that. If you set your goal halfway, not to finish things, you'll be successful 92% of the time.

Remember how I used to say, "It's not a heart attack, it's a cardiac event?" The press is using it now.  It's getting to the point where I want to get paid for this stuff.

• As if the Flying AIDS isn't bad enough, Microsoft is planning 'sweeping visual rejuvenation of Windows to show that Windows is BACK'
• That's about right. One of the many problems with Win 10 is the complete redesign to fool users - hey, let's hide everything! Why not again? Microsoft keeps its fingers on the pulse of the world, to make sure they're doing something else.

My coworkers are all back from vacation. I can tell this because nothing is getting done. No, wait, that tells me nothing...their in-office indicators tell me they're back in. I'm not saying I do a lot of work: I'm saying they don't do a lot of work.

Dear lefty 

• My girlfriend and I are in love. We plan to marry next year, but she insists on holding out til then. My entire body is blue. What to do?
• ghb you 2 need to have a serious conversation, maybe some counseling. What kind of anachronism is she? What if you find out she lays there like a dead fish? These are the kinds of things you need to know before you get stuck together for life. If all else fails, tell her you're having 'pretend sex' - that way you didn't really have sex and she'll be ok til the wedding

There is a new prototype of the largest wind turbine ever - 4/5 the size of the Empire State Building. What gives me an industrial mega-wedgie is that there are guys required to get on top of the pole to attach the propellor. That's beyond scary. If this thing ever hits you, there won't even be a small red splotch on the prop to pull some DNA.

In related news, the Empire State Building is damn tired of being used for measurement. It says there are taller buildings - use them. It's old and just wants to live out its time quietly.

"A woman is dead after the car she was traveling in crashed .."

"Investigators say the driver failed to make the turn, hitting a pole head-on."

Doesn't sound like the car crashed at all, does it? Cars get all the blame. Or maybe the GPS told her to take the next pole.

RIP driver.

Another market being killed by the Flying AIDS is cocaine, although people are smoking more weed. Yet another example of how businesses are hurt by mandatory closures. Maybe one of those food delivery services can pitch in... 

Hello, Food Hub.

Where can I order from?

McDonalds, KFC, Olive Garden, or Dr. Ron's

Dr. Ron's?

Yeah, the doctor makes you feel better.

Does Dr. Ron's have fries?

Most people order Dr. Ron's and McDonalds.

How much do you charge for delivery?

$5 for McDonalds, $25 for Dr. Ron's, for bail.

Speaking of 5G, a bunch of people were convinced that Bill Gates was going to put a 5G chip in them; a schematic of the chip was provided. After a little study, the schematic turned out to be for a guitar pedal, the Boss Metal Zone. What a cool idea - the voices in your head can be all distorted. The only problem is that distorted vocals are almost unintelligible. We suggest you stick to the unmodified voices.

• Definition of Unsettling: during a 1 man space flight, a Chinese astronaut heard banging on the outside of the capsule. Fortunately it was not accompanied by Let Me In.

Let's stop the horrible news and get on to something arty: a 33 metre (4.5 gram) vagina sculpture in Brazil has the right pretty pissed off, so to speak. Man, you could get lost in there for days...

The CIA is rebranding to attract more diverse operatives.

So now if your government falls, or important people have 'heart attacks,' it may be because of a more diverse employee at the CIA. 

The Philly 76ers are ahead in their division. 

• Half of Philly said WHO?
• Half of Philly said Are they our minor league soccer team?
• 1/3 of Philly said And this matters why?
• I said Who cares about football? 

The only reason I know this is that I saw it on Channel 69 Sports. 

I saw it on 69! I saw it on 69! I'll never get tired of saying that.

Badminton

 I'm sorry to have to use that word, but things are getting serious.

Shuttlecock, tits, and blue boobies are all things that fly.

Boeing 737 MAX does not fly.

Your love is like a quickie sex change

The meatloaf sandwich had a slice of meatloaf so large, I almost had to unhinge my jaw to get it in my mouth. You're just waiting for me to say "now I know how Mrs lefty feels" but I'm not going to do that.

I'm happy to say the house is now decorated, as is the tree. It looks fantastic; more fantastic than I could ever make it. Presents were exchanged the other night. There was great tittering about the Eeyore onesie. Onesie is a stupid word, with an even more stupid spelling. Yes, we need a new word for it, but let me explain: it's almost Eeyore pajamas that you step into and zip up. We have Eeyore shirts, mugs, sweatshirts, overalls, jackets, and even panties. There are no Eeyore bras (I looked).

There are multiple (haha) advantages of living with a dissociative. It's always Christmas, because they don't always remember getting the present. You can ask one what the other would like. They're also not likely to remember what they told you they like or what they told you to order, so it's new again!

A short while back, I wrote about the evolution of PONG and video games in general. What should appear but a box with a 3' tall Pac-Man game. I'm more impressed with all the ways you can mount it - they did a great job. There is approximately 1 video game enthusiast in the house, although I haven't asked the dog yet. "But who do I play against?" Yourselves? "They suck."  And I'm going to be any better? I don't even like video games.

"I'm going to take a nap and set my alarm. When I'm done, we can play video games."

I see. And what time are you setting your alarm for?

"Well, the first one for 1:35, the second one for 2:25, and the 3rd for 2:45."

I see. And why do you need 3 alarms?

"In case I miss one."

I see. Wouldn't you be better off setting them for 5-10 minutes apart because you're not likely to be in the same sleep cycle?

"NOOOOOOOOO - this is the way we do it."

I see. Enjoy your nap.

Today I identify as  mace - the spice and the pointy implement you swing around to cause great damage

I got a thing for xmas. It's really difficult to describe. Take a tv soundbar and shrink it down to about a foot. Then plug it into your tv (or laptop). There's a setting to emphasize speech frequencies, in case I'm going to have a problem with my hearing.

The thing sounds really good plugged into the laptop, which is just not made for hifi sound. I even tested the speech emphasis, which does exactly what it says it does. It's not that I'm not grateful, I just want to know the mindset that produced this product as a gift for me. As far as I know, my hearing's ok. I hope these people aren't psychic...

Mrs lefty, however... it's difficult to tell how much is hearing loss and how much is Space Cadet. I have banged on a door she's sitting against, then scared her when I spoke. I have taken to trudging through rooms so she'll be aware I'm coming. When I say hello, she levitates 6". This became a very popular party game with the nieces and nephews. They'd creep up behind her and say HELLO, and she'd leap. I believe the winner was the one who got her to leap the highest. The sad part about this is that even without knowing about the party game, the kids (and my brother) would still come up behind to watch her levitate. I think it's abusive, so I stopped (last week).

Ever see the stamps dot com commercial? Sure you have - everybody has. If you know anything about the final lady with the big hair, leave the info in comments, please. Just for science, of course.

Where are your packages, lefty?

UPS continues to give insights into the never-before-explored area of Package Delivery Dynamics (PDD). One box has spent 3 weeks taking trips around the seller's state. Several more are in the Abyss. I understand this might've been a volume issue, but it's not like the Flying AIDS was a secret and nobody knew people were buying online. Didn't we discuss this during the election, with mailin votes? People have long advocated privatizing the post office. This should be the final nail. Roughly half of my gifts are still in USPS Delivery Uncertainty Hell. These gifts were guaranteed to be here long before xmas.

Mainstream or Pr0n: I'll list a title of a recent release. You tell me if it's mainstream or pr0n. SpongeBob SquarePants Battle for Bikini Bottom Rehydrated

So Hoarders is on. I have no idea why Mrs lefty watches this. Maybe she wants to feel better about us.. you can see carpet and there are pathways in our house. This 1 poor guy hoarded and had OCD - he hit the jackpot. I feel terrible about the issues these people face. Either that, or I'm terrified the city will come around and demand we clean up or else... or else... Idiot Mayor will mandate masks inside the house.

Of course I'm kidding. I take the trash out and vacuum on special occasions.

OCD is rough. My sis-in-law has it. Twice. She would make sure the cereal boxes were in alphabetical order, then arrange the pots and pans. I have no idea how someone with OCD arranges pans, but there's a fair chance if we find out, we'll explode. Her young child picked up rearranging the pots and pans and did it as a form of play (not as OCD). This might be the first ever case of OCD by Proxy. I just made that diagnosis up.

Before the Flying AIDS, there were compulsive hand washers. Look under the sink, people. If there's a gallon jug of hand cleaner, there might be an issue. If there are several gallon jugs of hand cleaner, one of those tv therapists from Hoarders might be convinced to come by. OCD is compoulsion to do stuff. Like pulling the door shut 3 times or you can't go anywhere. Or pulling the door shut on your foot, in which case you can't go anywhere, but as the ambulance is carrying you away, you're SCREAMING that you have to go back because you didn't pull the door 3 times. Another is having to come back to the house 4 times to make sure you didn't leave the gas burner on. This is particularly interesting when you're late for work. What you don't know is the neighbors are standing at their windows with stopwatches, timing and counting your returns. The one who comes closes wins a prize. Hint: don't go to the neighborhood fair. That's where they present the prizes.

Make sure to get your cereal and other boxes lined up alphabetically. Or is that size order? You gotta have this right or you can't go on to making certain the toilet paper comes off the right side. Not that anything like this would happen in our house, but we were food shopping once and I was throwing cans on the slider. I was informed that the labels had to be pointing OUT. Because I'm a complete bastard, I kept pointing them in other directions, causing great consternation. This is but a tiny example of the horrors of living with me.

But I want to defend us: we're not hoarders, we're putting-it-back impaired. If we put stuff back, the place would look almost normal. Mrs lefty doesn't hoard shoes - she just keeps buying new ones before she's worn the old ones much. I am certainly not a hoarder - I just have Guitar Acquisition Syndrome (GAS). What if I need to make a certain sound or tone? I have equipment for that. Even if I don't play with a band or record at all. I'm not a hoarder - I'm extremely well prepared.

Some of these people don't throw out trash. There can be rats, mice, or deceased pets in the mess. Thus far no deceased spouses, but it's early in the season.

What causes hoarding? Lack of sex.

C'mon, lefty, you blame lack of sex for everything.

Do you really want to prove it isn't?

Oh. Ok.

Sometimes it's trauma. A death. An abandonment. Some ass turning all your labels the wrong way. The takeaway here is that you get help for the issue before you're swimming in 5 year old UPS boxes you never opened, swimsuits 5 sizes too small, a kitchen you can't get in to cook, and several cries for help that are getting progressively softer by the day.

Uh-oh.

Just as I said that because of sex robots, women had better be nicer to men, it appears that for procreation, men had better be nicer to women.. parthenogenesis: how females from some species can reproduce without males.

What of Windows?

How, you ask, is my favorite operating system?

When I shut it down last week, it gave me no option to update, so I  shut it down and it updated. Now that I boot it up this morning, for WORK, it decides it has to update some more. So far I'm 10 minutes late for work. My coworkers are chuckling - "I'll bet old lefty's Windows had to update some more! He's probably red with anger and ready to launch the laptop into the stratosphere. Heh heh." [general laughter]  It's been at 84% for 5 minutes. 84 is a sacred number with Windows (unless it gets stuck at some other number). As if to mock me, it says not to turn off the pc and "it will take a while." 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 LIFTOFF! We have liftoff, one laptop, on this historic lunar laptop trip. Bob, this will be the 1st time Windows has been to the moon. Yeah, Frank, although many suggest that's where it belongs.

It finally allowed me the privilege of logging in, after which it just stared at me and said 'preparing Windows'. What kind of preparation does an operating system need? Does it go around the corner for some coffee and donuts? If it does, it never got ME any. Linux never got me breakfast either, but then again, it never makes me wait while it prepares itself. Women make you wait while preparing themselves, not operating systems.

After 30 minutes, it allowed me to get to work. And when I say it allowed me, I mean I was technically connected, but moving like Congress through a pay cut. It tells me the disk is 100% in use, but the listing shows about 5%. The recent 'updates' changed the task manager and put a search bar in my task bar (HEY - you've got your search bar in my task bar!). Yes, I turned it off, but I didn't need it there. Next update will be an IoT toaster meter, which keeps track of anything in the toaster, whether I have a toaster or not. STOP HELPING ME, WINDOWS. That's a persistent cry.

Science is a wonderful thing.

The astronauts on the International Space Station grew radishes in a microfarm.

Sometimes you have to sit down and ask Science why? 

The group of people who stole the monolith in Utah, on their way out, came across another group, on their way to destroy the monolith - "That's exactly what we didn't want to happen". For those of you following along at home, the thieves didn't want the destroyers to destroy the item they thieved.

The thieves discussed the matter with BLM and had quite a shock when they realized they were talking to Black Lives Matter, when they needed to speak to the Bureau of Land Management. For their part, Black Lives Matter pronounced the monolith a tool of white supremacy and racist, before asking what a monolith was.

President Trump signed the Flying AIDS package into law.

What you don't know is that the president is in Walter Reed Hospital, after a heart attack.

Congress came up with the $600 per person bill and sent it to the president.

The president said it was rubbish, and suggested $2,000 per person.

Nancy Pelosi and the democrats were jubilant, and lined up squarely behind the president, for the first time in 5 years.

The president had a heart attack.

Exercise Causes Cancer

I'm annoyed by the exercise mirrors. I'm annoyed by most things, but that's not relevant now. You've seen the commercials... impossibly fit people exercising in front of a mirror, some impossibly attractive, while the offscreen instructors' voices urge them on. Some riding bikes. Some lifting weights. It's a horror movie for me; not only for the privacy invasion, but for the exercising. Those people are sweating. Is this the kind of thing you want to do with your day?

The devices are impossibly expensive and depend on your home's wireless internet connection. The moment you start using them, the kids are going to start hurling sharp, pointy sticks at you, because you're interrupting their torrenting, Kardashians, and pr0n. You're not going to win here. Nothing good will come out of it. I should be one of those offscreen instructors (or offscreen destructors)..

What's it today, coach?

Warmups. Warmups are essential before any exercise. Sit on the floor, legs crossed.

Ok, now what?

Take out your tablet and surf a bit. We're working on both mind and body.

[15 min later] Ok, I surfed.

Very good. I was watching and liked the way you did that. Now stand.

Standing.

This is the final part of warmup. Stand there and feel your vibes. Locate each part of your body, and make note of any that are missing.

When do I start exercising?

You are exercising, Grasshopper. You can't blow up a building without Thermite.

What does that even mean?

Are you sure you want to exercise today?

Yes, I'm sure.

This is your day off, isn't it?

Yes.

You should treat yourself... go back to bed and get up when you're done resting. You work hard. You deserve it.

Look, I paid $4,000 for this bloody exercise mirror so I could exercise.

Open the freezer, Grasshopper, and grab some Haagen Dazs.

Ok.

Have a spoonful.

Ok.

Have another.

Ok.

Isn't that good?

Yes, but I eat too much of it.

Have another.

Ok, one more.

Have another.

Coach, I can't.

Dig down deep and find the strength to have another spoonful. I know you have it in you.

Mmph....groan..... I DID IT!

I'm very proud of you. Now take a shower and a nap. I'll see you next week.

I don't know why or how this would happen, but let's say someone left one of these torture devices at my house one day....

Hi, you're new. It's lefty?

Yup.

lefty, what's your end goal?

For Bob to get his mirror the hell out of my house.

What's your end goal for your body?

Ummm... lots of attractive women touching it?

lefty, be serious.

I am serious.

Let's warm up.

It's 75 degrees outside. The air conditioner's about to come on, Why on Earth would I want to warm up? Let's cool down. Besides - exercise causes cancer.

lefty, what would you like to work on?

mmmm... I already did napping... hey, I know, my sleep is interrupted a lot lately. Whatcha got for that?

Well, we have an exercise that...

HOLD on.. you can't exercise before bed or you won't be able to get to bed.

What should we work on - arms, legs, abs?

Penis.

Penis?

Penis.

Why do you want to exercise your... thing? 

Well, it thinks it's busy all the time and needs to be convinced to rest. It doesn't get half the fun it thinks it does. All the ladies at work call me Tripod. It's embarrassing,

I'm sorry, lefty, we have no exercises for your... genitals. Say, you're looking a little scrawny, with a small beer gut, how bout some sit ups?

Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how difficult it was to sit up in bed before I got in front of this mirror?

Have you ever done any lifting?

Tons. With my fork.

Why don't you try the bicycle?

Why don't you try the bicycle? Besides, it doesn't go anywhere.

It's not supposed to go anywhere, it's a fitness bicycle.

Well what's the point of that? You put all that energy into pedaling and you don't go anywhere..

How about jogging in place?

Same thing, isn't it?

Chin ups?

Oh man, I always hated those. One time in high school I did one.

Push ups?

Too much like having sex by myself.

You sure are creative.

So I'm told.

Especially when it comes to not exercising.

It's my life's work.

lefty, how about we get you one of those impossibly fit. attractive models to demonstrate the exercises - would that be ok?

Perfect, thank you.

How would this affect your views on exercising?

No change. She'd go through the exercises, I'd sit there and evaluate her performance. Please be sure to send a clipboard.

I hear your wife has a strict No Dating policy.

Only below the belt. Please don't send a fat one.

Can you imagine being my parents?

If you ever feel you're not getting enough out of the USPS mangling your delivery, sign up for alerts. You already know from looking at the tracking info, the package has gone "into the system" and no one will ever see it again. I just discovered that the package sent 3 weeks ago from one state north has just shown up: one state east. Perhaps it needs to complete the entire compass before arriving. I'm signing up for alerts for the rest of the packages that never showed up. I desperately need the entertainment.

Hey, lefty - how's the new car?

I'm glad you asked. I was handed the quick start manual the other day, because manuals are Men's Jobs. You know you're in trouble when there's a quite start manual for your car. Suffice it to say the description of the car on the website was... somewhat.... lacking.. in a good way. Not that I remember a single thing I read (ever), but there's a lot of stuff in that car. I think what they do is use a template: car comes complete with 4 wheels, seats, 5 cylinder engine, and trunk. Going further might hurt someone's coffee cake. 

I mentioned remembering old Lincoln commercials where seat positions had 2 different memory settings for different drivers. Check. Auto-start - check (with app). What kind of car requires an app? Turn off backup camera (suck it, neighbors!) - check. Other ridiculous stuff - check. I feel like I bought a luxury car. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Hyundais, but they're not exactly luxury cars. Mrs lefty loves it already. I was allowed to drive it once. The problem is that there's some connectivity to the outside world. This is an extreme no-no. Things like GPS and OnStar-like services have to GO. And this isn't a new car. They're tracking beacons. Since the cars are more electronically controlled, they're easier to find and easier to remotely operate. Now I have to find the bloody modems and rip them out. Wanna buy a modem, anybody? Maybe we can switch, so your Ford identifies as a Hyundai and vice versa. I just don't need that kind of connectivity....  Unfortunately this will require some kind of sleuthing and mechanical ability, so I'm pretty much in trouble...  

Before the previous Hyundai, we experienced Sticker Shock when buying new tires. I bought tires for my land yachts for $60. Hyundai tires were $250! And they had considerably less rubber, perhaps with considerably less comfortable ride. And need to be replaced more often. Do car makers own the tire companies?

Text Me

Texting is the Next Big Thing. Yes, we've been using it all along, but businesses are getting into it. Doctors are texting to burn up the coverage for the year, so they can start burning up next year's coverage next year. Phone carriers text. Quite frankly, I'm all for it. When you text, you have to keep it short and you don't have to talk to anybody - what greater gift could there be to humanity and agoraphobes specifically? I'd rather spend twice the time scheduling office visits than actually call the office. Now there are a bunch of businesses (and people) you wish would get on the texting bandwagon... (definitely not politicians) like...  your relatives. The older they are, the more fun they are in text. Some sign them - Love, Aunt Martha. If they like to dictate them, it's even funnier - And the mask is tomorrow love you Fritos.

Houthi and the Blowfish

RARE TECH ITEM
Every now and then I veer off this blog's satirical/sarcastic bent to mention a tech item or two (not doing so is what got me thrown off my last platform).  Let's start with Windows.

Microsoft products are unsafe at any speed by design. Fact-based reminders that Windows is not designed for security, regardless of version, patching, day of the week, or whether the NSA is itchy or not that week.

• We interrupt this tech segment to bring you urgent ancient music news: have you ever noticed how bad the snare or snapping sound is on Tom Jones' It's Not Unusal is? It's way up there in the Annals of Bad Sound.  That aside, you can hear the guitar semi-clearly too and it's a good thing: Jimmy Page (you know, Led Zeppelin) played it. Jimmy and John Paul Jones were on a huge percentage of hits out of England around this time.

AUDIO TECH ITEM

I'm not what you'd call a fan but the Grateful Dead were certainly tech pioneers. No, really. From mass communications to tapers and p.a. systems, the Dead were at the forefront (even though some of them were occasionally waaaaay at the back).

• Back to the TPP. As you may remember, the president has negotiating power for really bad trade agreements and Congress has a Yes/No vote. This was rushed through and I can't imagine why. It turns out to be a gift to Big Pharma (Big Surprise). This document was kept secret from the public (the most transparent administration in history). They really need to go.

I ordered some stuff online. It took about a week. Then I ordered something else from the same place. Today I got a confirmation that my order had been updated to Shipped status. Great, I thought... I'll get the item quickly. Oh, wait a minute, they used USPS tracking. I checked online and found out that my item had been shipped and arrived in my mailbox six days ago.  Yes, six days later, I got confirmation I received the initial package. Such speed and efficiency.

• I don't know if it's circumstance or simply taking notice, but I have heard the word peculiar quite a number of times this week. Give a listen for it. It's not the sort of word one hears often, yet it plagues me like the past, in which Tom Petty haunted me no matter where I went or what I was listening to or watching.

My dog wanted to perform a bit of science the other night: he wanted to know if I could fly. This took the form of standing up as I was carefully walking around and over him. As it turns out, not quite as carefully as I had at first thought. The science proved that I cannot fly so much as plummet, slipping on some handy papers and bouncing off the coffee table onto the floor. So the dog has his answer and fortunately I have nothing but a very painful (and near-fatal) knee scrape to show for it.

• Speaking of cats, have you ever noticed that cats have a sixth sense? They know where you're going to be and place themselves there a split second before you do. As was recently suggested, it's because cats are assholes. This also explains why the cat drapes himself over the path to any door so the dog won't cross him. The dog would gladly walk a mile in the wrong direction rather than cross the cat. This is extremely puzzling, as the dog will walk right up to the cat's food bowl and nudge him out of it.

According to just-released court documents, Bill Cobsy purchased Quaaludes in order to give them to women before having sex with them (does anybody remember 'ludes?).  I guess groups of over twenty women aren't imagining things.  In an effort to make amends, the Cosby Estate is offering Rape Mansion Tours, complete with 'vitamin pills' and free drinks. Rape victims and women in general are encouraged to make appointments for personal tours.

• Wanna know what makes the country go round?  An agreement to curb Iran’s nuclear program could create a bonanza for U.S. defense contractors who already are benefiting as the Obama administration tries to assuage Israeli and Gulf Arab concerns by cutting deals for more than $6 billion in military hardware.

HOW ABOUT SOME MUSICAL MALFEASANCE?

Sho' nuff. This weeks installment of The lefty Report features that little old band from Texas, ZZ Top. Jimi Hendrix referred to Billy Gibbons (gtr, voc) as a great up and coming guitarist - isn't that enough of an endorsement? 

Sure, I could go with the hits and videos everyone knows but that would be boring and atypical. I'm heading for the more obscure stuff that shows another side of the Top.  Let's start with Manic Mechanic, a great tune from the Deguello album, featuring his signature pitch changing effect on vocals. ZZ likes to throw in some humor from time to time, along with some really cool musical tricks. Next we have Heard it on the X, a great tune about Down South Radio, a studio tune included on Fandango, a live album. Give it a listen for some smokin' Texas bbq from earlier in their career.

Check out Live in Germany for a great insight into the pre-MTV band. Pay particular attention to Fool for Your   Stockings, a favorite at the leftystrat household - Those stockins are a real cross you must bare.

Joyful Depression

Today's dose of realism and sarcasm is brought to you by the Drudge Report.  Please go there and catch more hilarity than I have excerpted.


COPS: Beating of white man by 6 black men may have been racially motivated...

Trust me, this came from some of their best people.

Mail carrier busted for delivering drugs along her route...

This is called initiative.  It's what the USPS lacks.


PRAVDA endorses Obama...
Calls Romney 'foul-mouthed, big-headed oaf'...

I strongly object (to endorsing Obama).


Scalia invokes 8th Amendment against reading 2,700-page Obamacare bill...

Cruel and unusual punishment to make him read it (although he'd never be covered by it)


COPS: Man Kills Wife After Dog Defecates In House...

Apparently this is wrong(?)


ALBINO RHINO beer draws human rights complaint...

Never had I imagined we'd have to watch out for the albino lobby too.  Fortunately the Stupid haven't organized (aside from Congress).  It's still politically correct to be a stupidist.


Congress urged to pass drone privacy law...

Sure - we completely disregarded your rights and allowed drones in the air.  Now we want to appear to be concerned.  It's a win-win.


Half of US Homes Own APPLE Products...

Here at ThermionicEmissions we're proud to be in the other 50%.
Friends don't allow friends to use iDevices.  Don't be an iHole.

TSA FOLLIES

TSA Manager Arrested for Running Prostitution Ring...

COPS: TSA agents trashed hotel room, fired gun from window...

The day wouldn't be complete without the latest from our uber-competent Friends in Groping.