Glass of Water for Mr. Grainger

Your love is like bunyons

 

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale....

I saw more news coverage of Dawn Wells dying than peace in the Middle East.

And while we're at it, Bond Girl and Mrs. Pinciotti (70s Show) Tanya Roberts has left the building. 

BUT WAIT... her representative, who said she had died, now says she's still alive, but "It does not look good."

ThermionicEmissions remains flummoxed that people still have difficulty telling the difference between alive and dead. It doesn't require a medical degree: sometimes you can tell by, you know.... heartbeat.

HOSPITAL: she's in ICU

REP: she's dead

HOSPITAL: she's not dead

REP: it doesn't look good

HOSPITAL: we're beginning to see a recovery

REP: the recovery was temporary and short-lived

HOSPITAL: she's out of ICU

REP: It won't be long now

HOSPITAL: she's recovering, we sent her home with medicine

REP: she has gone home to die

Monty Python/Eric Idle: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD

AND FINALLY: Tanya Roberts has expired, per her boyfriend.

Because if he didn't know, who would? 

So hey - how is the USPS delivery of your packages coming, lefty?

Still 1 promising that it's coming - the USPS just doesn't know where it is.

The other, the USPS just gave up and doesn't send notices anymore.

I feel bad canceling my purchases...

• Tesla delivered a record 500,000 vehicles in 2020
• aside from bursting into flames, they're great cars 

Mainstream or Pr0n: Devil in Salem, Building "Java" Programs, Feluda.Pherot-Chhinnomostar.obhishap

Today I identify as a monocle

A giant black hole keeps evading detection and scientists can't explain it

I'm telling you, it's the aliens: "Hey DJ#&@NS%, move the black hole. Daily. That'll confuse the hell out of them."

• China did a great job, bringing back samples from the Moon. Joe Biden is worried that they also exported the Flying AIDS to the Moon. Future American astronauts will be required to wear masks.

the Atlantic's executive editor penned a scathing warning that vast social networks like Facebook "can harm society just by existing..."

But there aren't enough moderators speaking enough languages, working enough hours, to stop the biblical flood of shit that Facebook unleashes on the world

and I've been saying this for how long? 

But this person's ideas aren't going to work, because if you put a windshield or a keyboard in front of a person, you get Instant Asshole<tm>. A plea to 'play nice' won't go very far, nor will a place where niceness is enforced.

• Research on finishing a project once you start it shows that you need to cut your goals in half.
• We could have told them that. If you set your goal halfway, not to finish things, you'll be successful 92% of the time.

Remember how I used to say, "It's not a heart attack, it's a cardiac event?" The press is using it now.  It's getting to the point where I want to get paid for this stuff.

• As if the Flying AIDS isn't bad enough, Microsoft is planning 'sweeping visual rejuvenation of Windows to show that Windows is BACK'
• That's about right. One of the many problems with Win 10 is the complete redesign to fool users - hey, let's hide everything! Why not again? Microsoft keeps its fingers on the pulse of the world, to make sure they're doing something else.

My coworkers are all back from vacation. I can tell this because nothing is getting done. No, wait, that tells me nothing...their in-office indicators tell me they're back in. I'm not saying I do a lot of work: I'm saying they don't do a lot of work.

Dear lefty 

• My girlfriend and I are in love. We plan to marry next year, but she insists on holding out til then. My entire body is blue. What to do?
• ghb you 2 need to have a serious conversation, maybe some counseling. What kind of anachronism is she? What if you find out she lays there like a dead fish? These are the kinds of things you need to know before you get stuck together for life. If all else fails, tell her you're having 'pretend sex' - that way you didn't really have sex and she'll be ok til the wedding

There is a new prototype of the largest wind turbine ever - 4/5 the size of the Empire State Building. What gives me an industrial mega-wedgie is that there are guys required to get on top of the pole to attach the propellor. That's beyond scary. If this thing ever hits you, there won't even be a small red splotch on the prop to pull some DNA.

In related news, the Empire State Building is damn tired of being used for measurement. It says there are taller buildings - use them. It's old and just wants to live out its time quietly.

"A woman is dead after the car she was traveling in crashed .."

"Investigators say the driver failed to make the turn, hitting a pole head-on."

Doesn't sound like the car crashed at all, does it? Cars get all the blame. Or maybe the GPS told her to take the next pole.

RIP driver.

Another market being killed by the Flying AIDS is cocaine, although people are smoking more weed. Yet another example of how businesses are hurt by mandatory closures. Maybe one of those food delivery services can pitch in... 

Hello, Food Hub.

Where can I order from?

McDonalds, KFC, Olive Garden, or Dr. Ron's

Dr. Ron's?

Yeah, the doctor makes you feel better.

Does Dr. Ron's have fries?

Most people order Dr. Ron's and McDonalds.

How much do you charge for delivery?

$5 for McDonalds, $25 for Dr. Ron's, for bail.

Speaking of 5G, a bunch of people were convinced that Bill Gates was going to put a 5G chip in them; a schematic of the chip was provided. After a little study, the schematic turned out to be for a guitar pedal, the Boss Metal Zone. What a cool idea - the voices in your head can be all distorted. The only problem is that distorted vocals are almost unintelligible. We suggest you stick to the unmodified voices.

• Definition of Unsettling: during a 1 man space flight, a Chinese astronaut heard banging on the outside of the capsule. Fortunately it was not accompanied by Let Me In.

Let's stop the horrible news and get on to something arty: a 33 metre (4.5 gram) vagina sculpture in Brazil has the right pretty pissed off, so to speak. Man, you could get lost in there for days...

The CIA is rebranding to attract more diverse operatives.

So now if your government falls, or important people have 'heart attacks,' it may be because of a more diverse employee at the CIA. 

The Philly 76ers are ahead in their division. 

• Half of Philly said WHO?
• Half of Philly said Are they our minor league soccer team?
• 1/3 of Philly said And this matters why?
• I said Who cares about football? 

The only reason I know this is that I saw it on Channel 69 Sports. 

I saw it on 69! I saw it on 69! I'll never get tired of saying that.